Running errands - &^%$#@!! Christmas

I had things to do on the way home today. I decided after going three places and calling another, that I would just go to the big Wal-Mart on Woodruff to see if they had any lids. If not, I was just going to buy plastic freezer containers and call it a day. I hate going to Wal-Mart (sorry Robert). Not only are their employees underpaid, most of them have no healthcare, over-burdoning public services in the areas where they operate, and forcing the tax-payers to pay for the care of their employees. Also, they are responsible for all the small stores (where I might actually have found what I was looking for) closing down. Instead of a broad spectrum of merchandise, you are confronted with 7,000 of the same 5 limited choices. When I go, I feel like a sell-out. Well they had no lids. I finally found some containers that would work for me (size, shape, freezer seal, etc) and just got them. But so much for giving away apple butter for Christmas gifts. A little jar with a nice bow on it is a thoughtful homemade gift. A plastic freezer container is just giving someone leftovers.

Since I had already sold my soul, I decided to look around. I rarely go in. I ended up buying some soy-nog (much better than it sounds), a small container of milk (for making green bean casserole this week), a couple of boxes of snausages (they are cheaper here), some of that new miracle 24-hour lotion Gold Bond has been advertising (and which I kept forgetting to pick up), and a new dish drainer that almost, but not quite, exactly failed to fit my sink. I always look through the freezer section when I'm there, because they used to carry a broader spectrum of Morningstar Farms products than most of the grocery stores do, and I was really wanting some of the elusive MF Meatballs, which are wonderful, but no dice. If they can't move a thousand units a week of whatever, they just quit carrying stuff. I noticed the veg selection wasn't nearly as wide as it used to be. I noticed at the same time though, that the array of different veggie burgers just keeps growing. Veggie burgers are the fastest selling veggie product, and the companies are serving that market with a bewildering selection of flavors and types.

After about a half hour, I just couldn't take it any more. The Christmas music was playing the whole time. I have nothing against Christmas music in December. I have even made my peace with the fact that since Friday of this week is a huge shopping day and launches the season, they have to put things in place sooner. But whatever dildo chose the music for Wal-Mart this year apparently forgot to medicate before mixing. Never have I heard so many plaintive violins and schmaltzy sad Christmas songs in a row in my life. It is definitely music to slit your wrists and sit in a warm tub by. I just had to get the fuck out of there.

I guess I'm just not ready for Christmas again this year. I really had thought I was doing pretty well lately, and have felt much more like myself, but I underestimated the impact of once again being beaten about the head, ears, and heart by the Christmas Club. I guess for a lot of people, it is the happiest time of the year, and they just can't wait to get started. I used to really love it too. But now, everywhere I look, I see people buying huge carts of food for their families, and couples walking around hand in hand, or herding their children around. The commercials on TV all change over to sexy jewelery commercials. It's just like everywhere I look, I'm being told "You are nothing if you are single." It's like the whole world was invited to this huge month-long party, and you weren't.

Yes I have friends, and I'm very grateful for them. I do enjoy buying and giving gifts to my friends. I will go to the parties and I will socialize. At some I will even enjoy myself. I will see my family. But Lord, how I wish I just didn't have to. I hate trying to find somewhere to be at the holidays just so I don't feel like a loser. I hate not having someone special to do for. I hate the enforced gaiety. I hate wrapping presents home alone while the people on TV get engaged, smooch under the tree, and gather in grinning hordes to sing carols. I don't mind other people doing it. I'm really glad they're all so blissful. I just wish it wasn't forced down my throat. I just wish it all wasn't mandatory, ubiquitous, and piped in to every crevice of society. And yes, I hate feeling like a wet blanket for not wanting to do it all. I hate feeling like I'm spoiling the good time for others if I don't live in constant joy. I hate that it all just makes me feel sad and more alone on the inside. I hate the fact that I can't even hurt honestly, because that would be an imposition on the happiness of others. I can't even lick my wounds in peace. I'm required not only to participate, but to maintain a joyful facade while doing so. It's kind of like high school again. OK, enough whining.

I have decided, though, definitely not to put up the tree. My home, at least, can be some respite.

Appropriately, after that I stopped by the liquor store. I am out of vodka, which is pretty much defcon 1 at my house for the party season. I got some vanilla vodka, and some of that FireFly that I liked so much at Todd's. I also picked up a bottle o booze for my brother-in-law's Chistmas present. I know what he drinks, and my standard brother-in-law gift is anything that there is an excise tax on. Buying straight guy clothes is boring. Buying straight guy toys is mystifying tom me. And that's pretty much all they want for Christmas. Plus, I keep hoping that some folks will pick up the hint, and if they don't know what to buy for me, just get me booze. Something I can use.

I stopped and got some Lo Mein for supper since I had been craving it all day. That actually wouldn't have been too bad if I hadn't also gotten 800 crab rangoons to go with it. They were tasty though.

I had intended not to do the apple butter tonight, but since I have dinner with H tomorrow I won't be able to do it then. So I washed all the containers, filled them, put them in the freezer, and cleaned up all the stuff. Ordinarily, I am officially absolved of all housework on Monday nights, beacuase I really think just showing up to work should be enough. When the kitchen was clean, I was pretty worn out and ready to turn in.