Dreading today

Well, as usual when I'm stressed, I was up at 3:30am. My brain got on the hamster-wheel, and I couldn't get back to sleep. I just got up and decided to check my email, since I was curious about whether or not there was an email from H. There was. He was pretty cool about the whole blog thing, which was nice. I stayed up writing him back and fooling around online for about an hour.

I did get back to sleep, but it was kind of that half-sleep. I dreamed I was calling in sick today.

When the alarm went off, I felt like crap on a cracker. I made a cup of coffee that was both delicious and sorely needed. It wasn't enough. I had a cigarette on the front porch as well.

So, I'm sitting smoking this morning, and looked at these two trees across the street. One of them is decked in gorgeous Russet plumage (yay God!), looking absolutely resplendent; and the other is basically mouldering away. And I'm wondering which tree I am. I have gone through periods in my life that I felt I was aggressively growing. I could feel myself branch into the sky, feel the roots of my soul expanding outward to make solid base to grow from. I just kind of feel in stasis right now. And I don't want to be one of those people who feels that I have nothing to offer without a Man in my life. That's just crazy. I'm not some 1950's housewife (God knows - look at this place!) Further, I would be derisive of anyone who expressed such a thought (at least in my head, or on this blog), but that is kind of what I've been doing. It's time to get over that shit. Oh and the trees? I've decided I'm like most people, somewhere in between. But it's time for me to start working on my resplendency dammit.

But today I just have to summon up the energy to get through this day.

The combination of the caffine and nicotine, plus the butt-ass cold (as Bernadette would say) woke me up pretty handily. I knew I had to hit the ground running at work today, so I turned on some music to help get me going. "Baby Love" by Mother's Finest sounded so good I downloaded a bunch of their other songs to listen to while I got ready. I was pretty surprised to find out how racist a lot of their songs are - who knew?

I got in the car, took out my book on CD, and put in my special work mix CD that I save for when I need that extra jolt.

***

I got to work, and proceeded to beg, borrow, and harass the information I needed out of everyone and then sacrificed a small child (not to mention my nerves) to get the newly complicated-as-hell Wednesday slides done on time (10:30 a fucking m). Just in time to get an email from my boss postponing the meeting until 4pm. I tell you, there's not a jury of office workers in the world who would convict me.

I went on to do all my follow-ups, polishing them off in pretty much record time, since all the deadbeats are already off for the holiday anyway, home waiting for that turkey to lay an egg full of money. Yes, gentle reader, we have entered the season of what I call "Fervent Belief in the Holiday Miracle".

Accounts having problems seem to feel that "if I can just make it to (insert holiday here -Thanksgiving, Christmas, the first of the year)" that everything will be OK. And they seem to believe that they can draw me into the fantasy. This mystifies me. They apparently believe the turkey will work some magic, or It's a Wonderful Life will come true, or a Christmas Miracle will occur, Santa will deliver a sack full of money, or the New Year will mysteriously bring a flood of good fortune and checks, because they certainly aren't doing anything to resolve their situation. I haven't seen it happen, but that doesn't seem to affect the Fervent Belief. Maybe it's just they want a break from their problems, and think they'll come back fresh and make a New Start or something. Whatever the cause or logic at work, however, it makes it damn hard to get anyone to focus on anything practical from about Nov 15 to Jan 2, when everyone comes back disillusioned and cranky from forced proximity to those with whom they share DNA.

Oh, and at 4pm today? I get copied on a cancellation of the meeting I create the Hell Slides for. Someday...