On the mend

Today went much more smoothly than yesterday. The challenge today was that I had to get everything washed, including me. The mattress pad needed to be washed, so I started with that, then put fresh sheets on the bed, washed my blanket, and myself. Man did that ever feel good. Then I put my robes in the washer.

I have to wash my sweats too, and then the sheets I've been through, but those can wait.

Justin called me tonight to ask me about a piece of depression glass he found, and I got out of bed to look it up, so I must be feeling better.

Another lovely day with Influenza

Well when I woke up this morning, my fever was only 100, and I hadn't taken any Tylenol since about 6pm yesterday, so I'm letting it go until I start to get a headache or the shakes. Now I have throat pain to add to the lovely cornucopia of symptoms. At some point I have to wash all the linens. But I'm afraid to tear the bed all up right now.

It's official - I have the flu

Last night was hard and scary. I woke up at 9pm, and checked my temp. It was 103. So I took some Tylenol PM and went back to bed, wrapping up well since I was freezing. I back up about midnight. Apparently my fever had broken, and I had sweated through the sheets and soaked the mattress pad. All the bed linens were soaking wet; and now I was cold because I was clammy. I had to get up, put my mattress pad in the dryer, and wrap up in my big terry robe while it dried out. Since I was up anyway, I ate some rice pilaf I had in the fridge, and thought I could keep down. I hadn't eaten any dinner, and knew I needed to eat something. Then I put fresh sheets on the bed and got back in.

When I woke up this morning, I had a fever again, so I took more Ibuprofen. I was sitting up in my robe when the fever broke, and I just started running sweat. I'm glad I wasn't in the bed or I would have had to change the linens again.

The doc ran a flu test, and told me it was official. Even on the ibuprofen, I still had a fever of 100. I haven't had the flu in years, because I always get a flu shot, but she said the flu shots this year weren't very good, and they had seen a lot of flu as a result of that. Now, I have to tell you, my doc and I have had some words before about her reluctance to prescribe any pain stuff for me, but she didn't stint me this time. She gave me Tamiflu, of course, but she also gave me a cough syrup called Tussionex Pennkinetic suspension MPI. Apparently this must be good stuff, because the pharmacist thought she had prescribed too high a dosage and called her about it. Apparently in higher dosage this stuff can cause respiratory suppression. They made me show ID, gave me a stern talk about how strong it was, and all but sent me to my car with a Brinks guard. It tastes like cream soda.

So I ate a bit when I got home, and went back to bed. I didn't take any fever stuff, since fever is part of your body's natural defense, and since this one wasn't high enough to give me the splitting headaches I have been having. I was sound asleep with my fever cheerfully cresting again when the tree service man showed up to give me an estimate on some work I had called them about a couple of weeks ago. I went to the door and talked to him, but of course by the time I closed it, I was freezing. I had full body shakes and chattering teeth. So I took more Ibuprofen and went back to bed.

I had noticed that not eating much and taking Ibuprofen on an empty stomach had been kind of making my stomach upset. Well by the time I woke up again, I was horribly, horribly nauseated. Every movement I made was making me feel like I had to throw up, even though I really didn't have anything on my stomach to throw up. I have Phenergan in the house, and some cola, and all I wanted was an icy cola to sip like Mama used to give me. But I just could barely move. Every time I got up, I got severely nauseated, and would have to sit back down in the floor. My house isn't that big, but that cola may as well have been across the state. After two emergency trips to the bathroom to throw up, and about an hour and a half, I finally made it to the kitchen, and got the Phenergan down, and made my cola. I got about half of it down, and went back to bed.

When I woke back up, my fever wasn't that high, apparently some of the Ibuprofen had stayed down, but I knew I couldn't take any more of it. I also knew I needed something on my stomach. So I called Dad, and he sent Mom over with some Tylenol, and a baked potato and some juice. That potato sure was good. I sat up for about an hour, then took some Tylenol, brushed my teeth, and went back to bed.

Where I stayed. I got up about 11 and took my Tamiflu and stuff, and slept through the night, amazingly since I had slept so much yesterday. I was in and out for parts of "Fiddler on the Roof", but mostly out.

It's a miracle

I never again have to doubt the existence of God. The fact that t I made it through this day is a miracle. I got almost all my month end stuff done, and crawled out the door at the end of the day.

I'm going to bed. I'm not even hungry.

Feeling like shit

Well I'm at work today. Just. I have a sweater on to keep the chills down, and a load of Dayquil in my briefcase to keep me upright. So I'm vacillating between drunk and feverish. And in either state, it feels as if someone has driven a railroad spike through the center of my brain, down my neck, and into the lumbar region of my back. Fun. Times.

Sick again

Well now I know why I felt weird yesterday. I was coming down with something. By the time I got home from work and baked my lasagne tonight, I was running a fever. I ate and just went on to bed. I know I have to go to work tomorrow, to do that twit report I have to do every Wednesday that upper mangement wants. Ugh.

Rainy morning

Well since I didn't bake the cake last night, I had to venture out in monsoon rains this morning to buy doughnuts to take to work. Still $9 vs. 2 hours to dispatch my obligation is not a bad deal. On the upside, I didn't have to pack a lunch today, since we'll be eating all day today. Unfortunately, I noticed this morning that the fat pants I bought after Christmas are fitting pretty damn well these days. Sigh.

I feel yucky today

Don't know why. I woke up blue again.

There was too much to do to mope though. Did some laundry, went to the grocery store, and put together a huge pan of what should be some pretty damn good spinach lasagne. I'll have to bake it tomorrow - I ran out of time.

I remembered about 6:30 as I was at the store that I have a cake I was supposed to bake for a food day tomorrow at work, but it was too late. I had too much else to do tonight, and hadn't laid my butter out and stuff. I'll just have to pick something up in the morning.

I also put an ad back up on Gay.com. That was where I met Michael in 2000, and the Bear411 thing doesn't seem to be working too well. I do have a conversation going with a nice professor in Columbia, but that is a bit far to start a relationship, and he hasn't seemed that keen to meet. I have been talking to one really cute guy in Asheville on Bear411, but he is a young'un, and frankly, I couldn't see him being that intersted in me in the long run. We have been talking back and forth for a while though, so I asked him if he wanted to come down to see me this coming weekend. If he does, we'll see how that goes. He is a very sweet boy, and cute as he can be. I have been wanting to date, and even if it doesn't turn into something, it would be nice to spend some time with a nice good-looking single guy, right?

The house is a wreck. My focus when I am home is on sleeping, now that I have been sleeping more poorly than usual. I have to get rest, but between that, and keeping up with social stuff, the house has suffered. It's all I can do to keep laundry done and keep up with the cooking. If I have a date this weekend, I am going to have to hunker down and make some serious dust fly around here.

A BUSY Sunday

"Royal Lace" butter dish in crystal, by Hazel-Atlas Glass Co, circa 1934-1941 - this one is in a bit better shape than mine

Russ, John, and Patrick wanted to go up to Barnyard today, and although I really wanted to go, I really didn't have time. Of course, I went anyway. We had a great time, and they bought a bunch of stuff. I found a treasure as well. A "Royal Lace" butter dish, with cover. Usually the butter dishes are the hardest pieces to find, especially in good condition, because they had to be ordered or purchased as part of a "completer set" for most patterns of depression glass. Usually plates and cups and things like that were given away as premiums, or sold very cheaply, so many people didn't buy the completer sets, therefore there are a lot less of the butter dishes out there. Royal Lace is a very pretty pattern, and is really beautiful in the blue, but for some reason, most of the pieces I find in it are crystal (clear), so that's what I have of that pattern. This butter dish is clear also. I first thought the bottom of it might be a cereal bowl, but after checking with Justin, I found out that is just the way the butter bottom looks in this pattern. It would not have been the first time a seller got "creative" with pieces. There was a woman who used to sell reproduction butter dishes, glued on top of matching candlesticks as "compotes" down in Anderson. That always made me laugh. They were very clumsily done, and the glue was all messy. According to Gene Florence, during the 70's, one enterprising dealer took plates and drilled holes in them to assmble tid-bits (multi-level servers) out of some patterns. These are now apparently purchased as oddities by some collectors.

Anyway, my butter dish is not in perfect condition. There are a few chips on the bottom, and a little mold roughness (or fleabite chips) on the top, but it is priced online at anywhere from $80-100, so I think it is well worth the $20 I paid for it. I saw a top advertised for $48 by itself. But Gene says you don't buy things like this for the value, you buy them because you love them; and I couldn't leave this piece where it was. Unusually for this pattern, there is a shortage of bottoms, and more tops avaialble. With most patterns, it is just to opposite (as Billy told me it is in the gay world; oddly, Greenville, SC apparently has the highest concentration of top men in the country, just my $%#@&&*#! luck). When I got it home, I saw the bottom had some sickness on it where some idiot had run it through the dishwasher, but it is light, and I think it will come off when I get that stuff that Justin found online. I really need to order some of that.

***

After lunch at Ruby Tuesdays, I had to head home to get ready for the Rick and James's Academy Awards party. They have it every year, and were trying to start early this year, since there is a movie trivia tournament beforehand, and Rick likes to have that over before the awards start. My team did the worst - act surprised. A lot of it is names of movies or of people in them, and of course I am terrible with names. I also don't know as much about movies as a lot of them do. Kimbley's knowledge is encyclopedic.

The best team from the trivia game has a playoff against each other for the trophy. The playoff this year was HARD, but they said not as hard as last year. I wasn't there last year. The playoff is done like the gameshow "Jeopardy". Three of the five categories in the first round were about sports movies (football, baseball, and basketball movies). Good thing I wasn't in the playoffs - all I would have been able to do was just sit there. Donnie was in the playoffs, and was flummoxed, and even Kimbley wasn't as brilliant as usual. But Matt, a gay guy won. He was just a machine. He was so far ahead that it really wasn't much of a contest. Well good for him.

The show this year was pretty bad. John Stewart seemed not to be able to find his feet. I guess the hasty assembly after the writers came off strike had something to do with that. But the main problem was there just weren't that many movies I cared about. "Ratatouille" of course took best Animated Feature, although honestly I thought that "Persepolis" frankly seemed more deserving, from what I know about it. Still, I was glad to see R. win. I was rooting for "Juno" for best picture, but after Ellen Page lost best actress, I saw the handwriting on the wall and went on home. It had been a long day. I do want to see "La Vie En Rose" now though.

Still, it was good to see the gang, although there were less people there than usual. Rick was very sweet, and went out of his way to make me feel welcome, and let me know they were glad I was there. It wasn't as wild a party as usual either. There were a lot less "hanger on" type people over there than there used to be. I wondered a bit about that. But James has transformed the "guy paradise" hangout into a Martha Stewart-esque game room, and I guess that didn't sit well with some of the guys. You can't even smoke in the pool room over there now. I thought that was kind of the point of having a separate pool room, was so the house didn't get smoked up. But then it's none of my business, and the pool room is very nice now.

Russ and Billy's anniversary party

was tonight. It was their 10th anniversary. I was a bit worried about how I would feel - it's been a rough week, but after 12 hours of sleep in the last 24, I ended up feeling pretty on and sassy. I had a really good time, and was feeling most loquacious. Ted and Kirkland were there, the two hotties from the Christmas party that everyone drooled over the whole evening. Of course they are happily paired and in love. Sweet Justin was there, along with Bill and Drew, Rick Smith and his apparent ex (I don't know what's going on there), the beautfiul Ben and his boyfriend James (who was looking good, and is a lot prettier than I remember). Marshall and John drove down from Gastonia for the occasion. It was a fun party and I had a good time, despite all the grief I took over a funny story I told, and then explained the punch line for. I won't repeat the story, since apparently is isn't that funny, but Justin found my explanation of the punchline hilarious. In my defense, I have told that story before and had people not understand the punchline.

Of course, I was the only single person there. I guess I'm just going to have to get used to that. When I was with Michael we kind of developed a mostly coupled social group. I'm not sure how to break out and find single men my age. Bear411 is nice, but it hasn't been working out, since there are only about 50-60 guys active on it in the area. When you remove the married, the insane, the IQ challenged, and the closeted/bi-sexual/downlow guys, there just isn't a lot left to choose from.

I made Dan'l's hearts of palm dip, but since the store didn't have any hearts of palm, it became artichoke dip. That went over pretty well. Only about 3/4 of a cup was left :)

A brighter, if foggier, day dawns*

I woke up feeling so much better today. Part of it was probably the 10 hours of sleep I got last night. I was so tired when I got home that I just made some popcorn and went to bed.

I woke up to thick fog at 6am. I put in "Dreamgirls" again, and was blown away again. It is a miracle to me that Jennifer Hudson did that kind of performance in her first movie. The song that resonates with me though, is the "Listen" song that Beyonce Knowles does. Her character is mostly a pretty singing doll through most of the movie, and I really don't feel she was a lead. But she has that one scene. Appropriately enough for a singer, her character is defined by song. They gave her the mic and told her to let it all out - all the things she had been waiting to say that she hadn't said; and she blew me out of my seat, just as she did the first time. I of all people can understand living with someone who won't change and begging them to hear you, because you can see it all slipping away. I saw that movie shortly after Michael moved and that scene made a deep impression on me because I identified so strongly with what she was going through. My pain wasn't nearly as beautiful and artistic, but she was singing the way I felt.

Lordamercy, how gay am I?! Beyonce as a path to inner strength?! I guess whatever works.

I made coffee and sat on the porch and smoked and thought. I felt clean and good, and strong. Apparently I've been through another bad patch this week. I wish I knew how long this is going to continue. But I'm ready to get to my feet again. I guess that's the whole secret isn't it? Finding your strength, getting up, and going on.

A long, long day

Today was strange. I was in kind of a fugue state all day.

I had another difficult run-in with a customer at work. We won't re-open his account, and so he has been sending me taunting nasty emails all week. I wonder what kind of perverse nature it takes to launch a campaign like that. He has convinced himself, of course, that the problems on his account were all our fault. Usually, I just let stuff like that roll off of me, but it seems I am increasingly unable to filter or compartmentalize things like that. Maybe it's just because I'm so tired. I woke up tired, and was tired all day.

I'm also contemplating the nature and cost of freedom. When I went on the cruise last year, the New York guys were amazed that I was living open and out in South Carolina. In some ways I have been very lucky. I am very good at something no one else really wants to do. But I spend my days holding in the need to tell some asshole off who really deserves it. It takes a lot out of me. More so than just speaking my mind and moving on.

But there have been costs.

- My college education, which my dad was originally willing to pay for, was derailed, and was never completed. My father couldn't deal with the fact that I was out of his control at school, so he pulled me out and brought me home to go to community college. After a taste of freedom, I moved back home and did as he dictated. During the time at home, I was required to lie to him, and supplement his denial to enable him not to deal with the reality I was gay. At that point, things were so hard, all I could really think about was getting OUT. But I persevered and got my Associates Degree. It's not much, but it enabled me to get my foot in the door for the job I have now. Part of that was being in the right place at the right time too.

- When I finally moved out, I told my father I would no longer be in his life if he would not accept all of me - even the parts he didn't like. Our relationship has it's ups and downs, but it has never been the same.

- I guess I'll never know the doors my being out in the workplace has closed. I have worked for the last ten years with no promotion. But I'm still working.

- Friendships have changed with people I know cared about me, but couldn't understand my demand that I be treated as an equal in every way. I am a gay guy, and have no problem with that, but I am no one's lapdog. I won't be party to someone else's denial about how all gay people should be treated with equality and respect. There are a lot of people who will be befriend you, but use that friendship as an excuse not to leave their mental comfort zone (i.e. the old "some of my best friends are gay" rationalization).

When I read "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand, I strongly identified with the protagonist, a man who sacrifices nearly all for his principals. He endures years of hardship because he won't sacrifice his vision. A bit more dramatic, but the parallel is definitely there.

I came out to my dad at 13. That could have waited, and would have made a tumultuous adolescence a good bit easier. I'll quote Fran Lebowitz here:

"Should your political opinions be at extreme variance with those of your parents, keep in mind that while it is indeed your constitutional right to express these sentiments verbally, it is unseemly to do so with your mouth full - particularly when it is full of the oppressor's standing rib roast."

If I had waited to come out, things might have been easier, but as an avid bookworm, I was in the library at 11, reading everything they had on gay people. The self-help books all agreed - to have an honest relationship with your parents, you had to come out to them. Of course I wasn't thinking at the time that these books were written for adults - hello. Another instance in my life where my intelligence overrode maturity and common sense.

The bottom line for me is that some of the doors I went through, I had to go through. Some of them I chose. But looking back, I would make the same decisions. I might make them later. Of the doors that closed, well one never knows, does one? I'm past them, and the opportunities are gone, so I guess you don't miss what you never had. Ultimately, I'm glad I chose the life I have. At the end of the day, what counts is that you can face yourself in the mirror every morning. Being single again has brought this home to me in a big way. Had I not stood up for who I was and am, I don't know that I would have the self-esteem I have today. But then people always imbue painful decisions with nobility.

For those of you who ever wondered what the gay equal rights movement is about, this is it in a nutshell. People should not have to make a decision about how much of themselves they can be. There shouldn't be a penalty for just being yourself. I know that everyone makes sacrifices to function within society. There are limits to everyone's freedom. But basic self acceptance should not carry such a cost.

The Bear Dinner for February

was tonight. It was really nice, as always. Russ and Billy were there. Russ had called me earlier this week also, because they hadn't heard from me in two Sundays. All the gang was there and it was good to see everyone.

The dinner this month was at Sonny's BBQ. That was a temptation. They make some of the best BBQ I have ever eaten, and their wings are divoon. But I have been eating like a menstruating Oprah this week, and after all the fish I have eaten, I wasn't going to order any shrimp. Besides I decided on the way over there I really didn't want them. I have eaten fish sarnies from Arby's, Chinese take-away, AND all those Reese's hearts my mom got me for Valentine's Day this week. Plus all those Sprats. So I had a salad and a baked potato; and while I didn't exactly eat diet (butter and sour cream, plus French dressing), at least nothing had to die for me to eat tonight - and I resisted the awful temptation of the wings.

At least I got some sleep last night. Thanks to dana, and some miracle elixir, I slept better than I have in weeks. I even slept for three hours with the CPAP on. Hopefully I'll sleep well tonight too. I know my tummy should be full enough for me to sleep well!

Off to Kat and dana's...

for dramatic renewal of purpose. For some reason, I have been really down this week. I don't know if it is Valentine's hang over, or lack of sleep, or a combination thereof, but I have been really feeling run down.

Miss Kat called because something she saw on TV reminded her of me, and because she had read on my blog about me not going over there on the 13th. I went on over tonight, since I have the bear dinner tomorrow, and wanted to see them. Plus I have been collapsing behind my computer at night and playing Qbees for hours just as a withdrawal. That's just not good night after night.

It is always good to see and talk to them. I love them both so much.

Even dana's confession tonight that she loves listening to Rush Limbaugh didn't change my feelings. If you had told me that a year ago, I would have laughed and laughed.

Happy President's Day

I woke up feeling like I was hung over from lack of sleep, so decided to take President's Day off. I can do that, it is one of three floating holidays we can choose from, and we have to use it by a certain time anyway.

Slept for a while, did some laundry, and ate two tins of Nova Sprats, for which I was suddenly ravenous. They are a kind of little fish like a sardine, but they are headless, and smoked for extra flavor.

More shopping, and then home*

Queen Mary or "Vertical Ribbed" candle holder by Hocking Glass company, circa 1936-1949

Mom and I got up ready for the flea market on Sunday morning. Unfortunately, it was overcast and windy, and the flea market wasn't really ready for us. There just wasn't that much going on. Still we had a look around, and I found a Queen Mary candlestick on a junk table for 50 cents! That was the deal of the day. It was filthy and crusted with cheap red candle wax, but fortunately, all that crap had acted as a protective layer, and it came clean in perfect condition. I did break my first rule of glass collecting (Thou shalt not buy dirty glass), but for 50 cents I was willing to take the chance. These are old book priced at $14.50 each.

Justin doesn't like those candle holders. He says they look like cacti, which I guess they kind of do, LOL. They aren't the most graceful of pieces. But I think they are kind of neat, and I love rescuing things that aren't being valued.

After that though, it was downhill all the way. We got cold and left to have breakfast at Lizard's Thicket, which is pretty good food, and great coffee.

After breakfast, I left and came home. I haven't slept well on the machine, and wanted to catch up on some sleep, but that beautiful plan didn't work out, and I just ended up being lazy and worthless all afternoon.

Saturday shopping with Mom

Lisa and baby Ava. This pic is from the christening last month.

Woke up this morning slightly hung over from sleeping pills (that machine is still running me crazy) and took Cole out to the local Starbucks for coffee, which he loves. After that, we made waffles and played with Baby Ava until Lisa and Carl (her hubbie, and Ava's father) got there. We opened our Christmas gifts, and Lisa was really tickled with hers, I think. She collects black cameos, and I got her a mother and child black cameo set in white gold. I thought maybe some day she could pass it down to Ava. Lisa got me a copy of "The Moosewood Cookbook" that I loved of Michael's. Unfortunately, one of the recipes I really liked has been changed enough that it is barely recognizable. I called Michael last night, to get him to send me a copy of the orginal recipe. But I was really happy to get the book, and I have never gotten a bad recipe from Moosewood. If the new ones are re-written to be more healthy, so much the better.

Ava is an incredibly happy baby. She hardly cried at all the whole 24 hours we had her. She is a beautiful baby too, with big blue eyes, but then of course I am just slightly biased. I think her eyes are going to stay blue. Lisa wanted Cole's to stay blue, but both she and his father have dark eyes, and Cole does too. But Ava's father has ice blue eyes, which I think that lucky girl inherited. She is an active and playful baby, frequently grinning and laughing, except when a camera is aimed at her, of course.

After they left, Mom and I went out shopping. There is a great and huge antique store near her house, and I had been wanting to go. Once again, my prejudice about antique mall pricing was proven false. There were several deals to be found. There was also one really great Depression Glass booth, but they had everything priced pretty high. They had the only "Adam" candy dish I have seen in real life, and it was complete with a lid, but it was too expensive for me. Sigh.

Still I found three cups for my set, at $3 each! There was a fourth, but it had a small chip, so I didn't by it. I probably would have (the chip was tiny), but I already have all my cups. I was just buying these because they were so cheap! The cups are priced in my old book at $7.50. I also found 5 berry bowls priced at $4 each, and they are old book priced at $12. I bought all of them, even though I already have all my berry bowls, because the price was so good. I have a dilemma about those though. I went with #2 berry bowls, since they are shaped similar to the sherberts, and I loved the #2 sherberts. But I am using #1 plates, and I like the similar edge on the #1 berry bowls. Can't decide if I should switch or not, but I have 11 #2 berry bowls now.

We went by Radio Shack, and got an adapter for Mom's old TV. She got a DVD/VCR from my sister for Christmas, and it still wasn't hooked up. That was my project for this trip. Fortunately, they had an adapter that made it work, and I was all proud of myself that I was able to get it all working.

We went for dinner at this Greek/Italian place that she knows about, and the food was fantastic. It was a really great meal. I also had a glass of excellent Pinot Grigio - the real stuff - not that Chardonnay wannabe that so many restaurants are passing off these days. Lovely.

Reese's, in an effort to keep me the size of Mama Cass, has now come out with a KING SIZE peanut butter egg which has TWICE the peanut butter in it. OMG, they are so good you could go sterile. But 340 calories each!! And 21 grams of fat, 7 of them saturated. Good thing they won't be making those year round.

Florentine #2 cup and saucer by Hazel Atlas, circa 1932-1935. This one is displayed under a black light enhancement to make it fluoresce. I am using #1 saucers with my set.

Florentine #2 4.5" berry bowl

Yay! Friday!

Work was smooth today, once I finally got there. Traffic was awful this morning. One hour to go 15 miles. I was so hot by the time I got to work I called SCDOT and gave them a piece of my mind.

After work, I beat the traffic and made it to Columbia in record time. Went out to dinner with my mom, and friend of ours, and earned back some uncle points by getting my nephew some crab legs, his fave. We had to peel my sister off baby Ava, but she got over it - she better. They're taking a cruise soon.

And it's over, I report with profound gratitude.

Things actually went pretty well tonight. I was so busy that I once again had little time for dwelling on things. After getting through the hell traffic to get home, which took about an hour (everyone was apparently trying to get home to their sweet baboo at the same time, or trying to make their dinner reservations), I stopped for cat food, choosing to overlook the involved “loser” factor – after all, I don’t do that every VD, right? I then changed and headed over to see BB. I took her some chocolate covered cherries, her favorite candy, and some tulips, her favorite flower. She likes white the best, but they didn’t have any white ones, so I had to make do with pink with white tips. She was surprised to see me, since I was just there on Sunday. I arranged the flowers while we talked for a bit, and then I headed out.

Apparently I made the right call on the Valentine for Michael. I didn't hear from him today, and I guess that's appropriate at this point. Still, I'd like to know whether or not he ever got his Christmas present.

When I got home I ate (profoundly grateful that I didn’t have to go anywhere near a restaurant tonight) and then started packing. I have decided to leave straight from work tomorrow to hopefully beat some of the traffic, so there was a lot to do. I loaded up all the Christmas presents for Lisa’s family, and some stuff I told Mom I would bring her. Since I still hadn’t wrapped one of the presents (kept putting it off, since I hate to wrap gifts) I had to get all the stuff down out of the attic. I didn’t do a fancy present; paper covering is going to have to do at this point.

I got done a bit sooner than I thought, so I called this great guy I have been talking to online in St Louis. I haven’t really let myself get too involved, because I don’t want to be pining for a guy who lives halfway across the country, but he is just irresistible. We talked for over an hour. The conversation went really well, I thought, and he is obviously very smart (my fave) to go along with the sexy package. We talked about him maybe coming for a visit, and I hope he will. It was a nice way to finish up the day.

Happy Valentine's Day & TG it's almost over

Forgive the pictoral allegory for the state of my lovelife.

According to CNN today, 8 million Americans have sent gifts to themselves on VD. That makes me so sad. What does this say? That appearance is more important than substance to many? Do they pretend that they have someone? I have to say, at least I have never thought of doing that. If I don’t get any flowers, then I don’t get any. Pretending to get some would just seem too pitiful to me. Although I have to get cat food tonight, and I did wonder about where that puts me on the "loser" scale - buying cat food on Valentine's Day? If I saw it in a movie, I would think that was pretty heavy-handed symbolism. I guess sometimes life does imitate even bad art.

Overall, it hasn’t been that bad of a day. Judi was tickled to get her candy, and Mom was really happy about her flowers. They were delivered early, as I was told they would be, and they were apparently what I ordered.

Work has gone fast today. I spent hours going over returns dating back to 2005 for a lawsuit we have going right now. A complete waste of time, of course, but it had to be done, to disprove the wild claims the ex-client has made to the court.

After that, I had a conference call, and then lunch. So I haven’t had much time to brood about this most hated of days.

But as much as I hate the way it makes me feel lonely to be by myself today, I really like the thought of people taking the time out to say “I love you.” Most people don’t do it enough. I know there is an aspect of materialism involved, and some people see it as a way to make a commodity of something that shouldn’t be commercialized; but people are pretty wasteful anyway, and usually not in a cause that can even remotely be construed as worthy. As for the rest of us, the lonely, well, it’s almost over. Last night at CVS, they already had Easter Candy everywhere.

I got a couple of Reece’s Peanut Butter Eggs as a treat for tonight. They are the BEST candy EVER, except for maybe the Christmas Trees. I love all those points. The novelty Reece’s are so much better than the regular cups, because there is tons of peanut butter in them. I could eat just that peanut butter as a dessert I think.

I chatted with an old friend on line today, and it was good to talk to him. It’s been a long time since we got together, but I’m glad he’s still hanging in there.

***

I'm also hopefully getting together a little surprise for BB. A friend of mine, Todd, used to cut her hair, and she loves him. She wasn't able to go to him any more after she stopped being able to drive. I told her I would take her over there, but of course she never called me. She asks me about him every time I see him. Anyway, I talked to him today about going over there to cut her hair. She would be tickled, I know; as much for seeing him as for the haircut. I hope it works out. I think it would mean a lot to her. I of course told Todd I would pay him whatever he wants to do it. I hope he'll take something from me. I'm afraid he is going to try to do it for free, and I don't think that would be right. This is a big favor. He's a busy and talented hairdresser, and would have to go on his day off, when he is usually caring for his mother who had a stroke.

Todd and BB fell in love before Lisa's wedding. All the grandmothers went to see Todd to have their hair done beforehand. BB walked up to Todd and said "Don't you make me look like an old lady! I want to look like a bitch." He complied. And she fell in love with him immediately. That was back when he first went out on his own, and was sharing a salon with a manicurist who worked part time as an Elvis impersonator. Only in the South. It's true folks, I can't make shit like that up.

Feelin' better.

Did some little things to pick myself up today. I did call Bi-Lo headquarters to tell them how nice the staff in that little store was to me last night. I talked to the manager of the store as well. They took my address, and I guess they’re going to send me coupons. I wish they wouldn’t. A random act of kindness is diminished if there is a reward, I think. Although you could certainly argue that anything I’ve done has been with selfish intent.

I’m looking forward to Mom getting her flowers tomorrow; that will be nice. I’m thinking I may take a few flowers over to BB tomorrow night. When I stopped for my prescriptions tonight, I got a little candy heart to give to Judi. She works with me and is a widow. I usually try to get her a little something on VD, since a lot of the other girls will be having flowers delivered and stuff. I’m looking forward to giving that to her tomorrow. So as hackneyed and nausea inducing as it sounds, usually the best way for me to make myself feel better is to make someone else feel better.

I also worked with BD to try to make that jerk account happy. Even if it doesn’t work, it makes me feel better that I gave it my best shot. Plus I worked my emails down to 39 today. I usually try to keep them around 50 if I can. When they go much higher, it means I have started to miss things, or that there are things in there that need to be deleted.

I also talked to Miss Kat. She said dana had a beastly day, so they weren’t up for company tonight, which was fine, and then she invited me over for tomorrow! I was like, “Um, tomorrow is VD.” Apparently, she had completely forgotten – not a good thing if you have a Sweet Babboo. But at least I reminded her before it was too late, so she can pick up a little something for dana.

So hopefully about this time tomorrow night, most of the VD madness will be over, and I’ll be packing for a weekend with mom and my precious niece and nephew. Since I forgot Cole’s (my nephew) birthday last week, I thought it was really important to go down this weekend and try to redeem some Uncle points. Also, I still have all their presents from Christmas, and I’d like to get those delivered. It will be good to see Mom too, of course. Should be a fun weekend.

Feelin' fragile

Well I woke up this morning still feeling drug out. I can't remember the last time the alarm woke me up. In total, I got 5 hours sleep last night. When I went back to bed I slept three more hours without the Torquemada machine on.

I still feel sad and bruised inside today. Maybe it is lack of sleep. Maybe I will feel better after VD is finally past. I've always hated it when I was single. I used to just take the day off work, but I have to save my time off for the surgery right now.

Maybe I'll go see Kat and Dana tonight. I don't know that I want to be by myself, although part of me just wants to crawl in a hole and not talk to anyone. I hope it is a quiet day today at work.

I already had the nasty customer from yesterday rear it's ugly head again today. They called a vendor to complain, and I worked with the BD rep on getting him some records to give them. I don't know that we really want this account this badly - they don't pay that well, and are obvoiusly a pain the ass, which is why the vendor is probably trying to shove them into the channel. But of course BD wants all accounts, no matter how crappy. Plus these people buy heavily from a product line we just started selling, and BD is anxious to make a good impression on the vendor and show that the line is a good one. Apparently the margins on this product are good.

I just feel like maybe I can't face the deck being stacked against me at work all the time any more. I work with problem accounts, so everyone is already unhappy before I ever pick up the phone. I feel like all the horrible things people say to me have stopped rolling off, and started taking little bites out of my soul. Is this a mid-life crisis? Or just a tough patch? I had three defaults last Friday, and some tough calls then too. I guess I'm paying for the pleasant account contacts I had over the holidays.

That @#$%^&*!! machine!

Well I must admit, a CPAP machine certainly does cure sleep apnea. You absolutely can't have sleep apnea when you CAN'T GET A SINGLE FUCKING WINK OF SLEEP! In the way that you can't get penile cancer if they just amputate preemptively. Imagine trying to sleep with a small, sadistic toddler strapped to your head, actively trying to pull your nostrils over over your eyebrows while blowing air into your face with a leaf blower fitted with a "dry ice" attachment, and you're pretty much there.

On the plus side, Crooner adores it. He is actively thinking (BEST. Cat toy. Ever.).

So after two hours of refreshing sleep, I'm wide awake and working on my blog.

But certainly not suffering from sleep apnea, modern medicine be praised.

A bad afternoon*

I had a really bad call this afternoon, and I don't seem to be able to shake it. One of those calls that just makes you feel like the LAPD has done the Watusi on your heart in spike heels. Usually, I can lay them down; I seldom take work home from the office, but this one is sticking. I needed to clear my head out before I went home, so I went and did some things after work. Usually, if I shop a bit, and go out and am extra nice to people it makes me feel better, but that was of limited success tonight.

I went to the library first, where they are always nice. We actually have a pretty great library system here. We have online access to allow to to track and reserve books, and you can renew online too. It always makes me feel good and grateful when I go to the library. How wonderful to live in a country where the government buys and maintains so many books just for people to use and enjoy. I got the third 'Thursday Next' book by Jasper Fforde, after finishing the second today. I will say it again. That man is a genius.

As I was leaving the library, a man asked me for directions to a place I had never heard of. Rather than just tell him I didn't know (I've had that happen, and it is so frustrating), I found out the address of the place he was going, and was able to get him back on track. I hope he found it. That made me feel a bit better.

Then I went to the grocery store. It's a little neighborhood store downtown that I used to live near, but I hadn't been inside in years. They are re-modeling the store, so it looked like a frustrating trip, but one of the guys working there recognized me, greeted me, and helped me find what I was looking for. Even the woman checking me out was really nice, despite the termoil the store was in, and the fact that they were busy. A man in the checkout line let me go in front of him, since I only had a few things, and his companion was helping an older woman steer her motorized chair out of a little jam she was in. As I was leaving, the off duty cop working security smiled at me, wished me a nice evening, and asked me to come back. It was the nicest grocery store trip I have made in months. I am going to have to call them tomorrow to thank them. So many people will complain, but so few will call in when things are nice.

When I got home, Mom had sent me a valentine, which I thought was very sweet. I'm glad I have flowers scheduled to be sent to her on Valentine's Day. I love to send flowers, and usually it picks me right up to make someone else's day like that. I have spent so many years sitting here with no flowers while the girls all around me get them. I won't have Mom doing that. I know what it feels like. Michael used to send me flowers, but of course I won't get any from him now. After the Anniversary Card debacle, I have decided not to send him a Valentine's Day card this year. We both sent them last year. I guess it's one more step apart.

Ordinarily, that good things that happened this evening would put me right immediately, but I still feel kind of burned out and bruised. I am hoping that a good night's sleep (hopefully with the CPAP) will make me feel better. I am really wanting to get that magical wonderful sleep so many CPAP users report having. Maybe since I won't be in a lab with all those wires attached it will work this time.

I made some nachos, but that didn't seem to be the lift it usually is either.

One more step in the road...

to my surgery. The guy came out to fit me for my CPAP (Constant Positive Air Pressure) machine today. He was a big ole purty bear guy with a shaved head and a goatee - WOOF. He was wearing shorts, and had great legs too. I would have loved a picture of him for my blog (or indeed just to have) but didn't ask. Unfortunately, he also had a big ole gold wedding ring. So he explained the machine and left. It's a lot smaller and a lot quieter than I thought it would be. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep with it on at home.

Also, I got the bill for the little pilot light episode. $110.00!! For a service call. Even Dipple Plumbing only charges $80.00. I called and talked to them today, but the woman said that is their "base rate"; and I'm thinking why in the hell is this place called Budget Plumbing?? Anyway, I will pay the bill, because they did what I asked them to, but I feel I've been ripped off. I put up a review on the oxymoronic nature of their name on both Yahoo! and Google. So there.

More BB Stories

Not surprisingly, BB is on my mind today. I've been thinking about some of my favorite BB anecdotes.

BB and the Bobbie Jonsers

The apartment BB lived in for a while was near Bob Jones University, one of the most conservative religious colleges in the country (lately of fame after the 2000 and 2004 election scandals). Part of the required curriculum there is that students have to spend a certain time going door-to-door witnessing to members of the community. This was a constant source of irritation and offense to BB, who believed that religion should be private. She started experimenting with ways to get them to leave her alone. She told one young man that she had been a dance hall girl who had "lain with men", smoked, and drank whiskey; and that it was too late to save her soul. This had rather the opposite of the intended effect, as the guy re-doubled his efforts to convince her that it was never too late. She eventually just stopped answering the door, although she did tell the occasional one who caught her that she was a devil worshipper. This usually got rid of them, although she did leave a few of the more determined still talking as she left in her car.

BB and the geraniums

When BB was in college, they had a very strict dorm mother who believed they should be training to be young ladies. BB and her roommate and best friend Doris (who became her lifelong friend, and was wonderful to me) had limited tolerance for that. Part of their rebellion was that they had an old bedpan in their dorm room they planted geraniums in. On sunny days, the bedpan was put out on the window sill so the flowers could take some sun. The dorm mother hated this bedpan being on the out where people could see it, much less with flowers in it! She thought it was undignified, and certainly unladylike. Any time she saw the bedpan, she would try to count the windows to see which room it was in. But as she headed down the hall, anyone watching would send a signal to BB or Doris, and they woulds stash the bedpan in the closet before the dorm mother got to their room. She never found it. Years later, BB took the back tank of a toilet and made a planter out of it, in which she proudly grew lush geraniums on the front stoop of her apartment.

BB and Marilyn Monroe

For a while my grandfather Poppy raced sulky horses. They often socialized with very wealthy people at the track. BB confessed to me that she was at a party with Marilyn Monroe once. I asked her if she had gotten an autograph "Oh no dear," she said "it simply wasn't done. But I always felt kind of sorry for her. She seemed such a sad little thing."

BB in the hospital

During one of the times BB was in the hospital, I went to visit her, and we had a long talk. We talked about the paths all of our lives had taken, and focused on my sister Lisa, at that time in the midst of a failing marriage, but still hanging on. I was talking about how I had tried to warn her before she married this man that I saw trouble ahead, but then I added that (since I am gay) I guess others would have chosen a different partner for me. BB looked me in the eye and say “I wouldn’t change a thing about you. Do you hear me? You are a fine young man.” BB is the one of only two people in the family who has said anything like that to me. Most of them tolerate me, but would change me if they could.

A visit with BB

I finally went to see BB (my grandmother) in the nursing home tonight. I have needed to go see her for a while, but one thing after another kept coming up. I’m glad I went. She looks old, but not that much different than she has for a while. She’s in her 80’s, and not at all worried about convention any longer, as well she shouldn’t. She refuses to wear her teeth. But once you’re already in the home, I wouldn’t wear mine either if I didn’t want to. It was good to see her. She was glad to see me, and contrary to the family’s belief and contention, she was sharp as a tack around me, as she always has been. I took her some of the brownies I made Saturday night. She tells me the food there isn't very good.

Family concerns, not surprisingly, are her main thoughts at this point. My uncle died on New Year’s Day this year, and he was always her favorite child. I was afraid she might be depressed over his death, and I know she misses him. She talked about him some. But despite all of that, and being sick for the last month (she was too sick to go to his funeral), she was in amazingly good spirits.

She is the first member of her family to go into a nursing home. She nursed her mother at home (with help) until she died at 86. It’s like a family pact has been broken, but by no means the first. She’s not bitter about it though, amazingly. Despite being more frail, she was much as she has always been. She’s making the best of her situation, and getting by as best she can. It’s amazing to me. She is the real example of “bloom where you’re planted”. She has not had an easy life, at least in later years.

***

The daughter of a wealthy widow, she was a debutante. My great grandfather (the second husband) ran for Senate, but was defeated in a landslide when it was released to the public that he was (gasp!) a divorcee with a second wife. This was during the 30’s, and that was pretty scandalous.

She went to college, more to have a good time than to get an education – her sister Margaret was the scholar, BB was the socialite. While attending Furman (this was when it was an all-girl’s school), she went to a basketball game, and afterwards met one of the handsome players, whom she later married. He was a Yankee, which led to some interesting situations:

- At one point, she ended up staying in his family’s large farmhouse up North during the dead of winter. BB had never had a fireplace in her room, and her fire when out when she failed to stoke it before going to bed. His grandmother later found her half-frozen, huddling in her bed wrapped in her fur coat. She spent the rest of the night sleeping with his grandmother.

- Her relatives were horrified when she picked and cooked field peas for the family – they were grown only for livestock food up North at the time. She was trying to make a good impression as a homemaker and good wife candidate.

- At parties, his friends would get drunk and have her read aloud in her Southern accent, to their great amusement.

- At one point during their courtship, he had flowers delivered to her. He ordered $50 worth of Gardenias, which at that time were hard to get, and very expensive and fashionable up north. When they pulled a lawn truck up in the yard, and dumped a load of Gardenias, my grandmother was infuriated and embarrassed that he would basically send her a load of what amounted to yard trimmings down here.

When they married, BB’s wedding photo was on the front page of the Greenville News. By all accounts, they were very much in love, and very happy together. He was very much a ‘man’s man’, but loved to cook, which worked out well, because BB didn’t really enjoy the kitchen.

Unfortunately, my grandfather’s business ventures weren’t very successful. He had not been raised to work, and one venture after another failed spectacularly. Eventually, they moved back down here, and lived with my great-grandmother. BB worked for a time as a surgical technician, and had some very interesting stories to tell about the goings-on in the hospital, but eventually had to retire early when she had problems with her eyesight.

My step-mother (hereafter referred to as simply Mom) and her brother (the infamous Uncle Humpy {a family nickname I will thankfully not inherit, however appropriate it may or may not be}) had a privileged childhood. They had a summer home at the shore, and a nanny/housekeeper. They weren’t really raised to work either.

The money in the family passed from woman to woman, in the form of a trust that was handed down. The women in the family (historically long-lived) lived off the interest from the trust. Unfortunately, that all ended when Uncle Humpy moved back home. He talked BB into overriding the trust, and spent the entire principal on a failed business venture.

BB had made the move from the big family homestead in Easley, SC, to an apartment, to be closer to us, and because the upkeep on the house was too much at that point. She was widowed and her mother had died – she wanted a fresh start. After the trust was gone, she had to declare bankruptcy and move into a small section-8 apartment, which she spiffed up with remaining family antiques. She made the best of it. The apartment was less than 500 square feet, but she told me that was all she needed. The woman who once had a gardener and a bank of prize camellias (hand-washed to keep them pest-free), went first to a patio garden, and then to a few flowers wedged in among the bushes in the two square feet of dirt under her apartment window. She set up housekeeping, and lived there contentedly until her health gave out.

My step-mom and her brother have fought for years, and things came to a head when he was hospitalized a few years ago. He was living with BB (again) at the time. He was not expected to live at the time. He was in a coma and liver and kidney failure. Mom talked BB into putting a no-code on his file. Amazingly, he lived and (after a bout of dementia) accused Mom of plotting with my sister Cindy of trying to kill him. This deepened a family schism which BB was already very upset about. There were heated words all around, and BB and Mom were estranged for several years. Cindy still will not speak to BB.

Shortly before his death though, BB, Humpy, and Mom had started talking again, and I am glad of that. She has need of Mom now. Uncle Humpy’s common-law wife (a whole ‘nother story) held the Power of Attorney, but after a falling-out over his ashes, she washed her hands of BB. So she continues, her favorite child and her husband gone, her health failing; but making friends with the staff, and finding her way to make the place her own. A notorious late sleeper, she has the staff bathing her last and letting her skip breakfast to sleep late. They bring her in coffee from Starbucks sometimes, since the coffee there isn't good. It made me smile to see the glimmers of the old her still inside this old woman that doesn't seem like my BB on the outside.

I face a moral dilemma, and come out of it pretty well, all the way around

The set of old gas lamps - these have been in my family for years. I have no idea what they are.

The glass just keeps rolling in. I can scarcely believe it. This is turning out to be one of the best collecting months I have ever had. Went on over to the flea market today to look around, as usual. Saw a Glasbake bundt pan, but let it be. I really don't want to start collecting that too. Plus it had a couple of bubbles in it, and wasn't etched. I also saw a clear bubble glass plate, but I have bought too much crystal lately. I love the blue though.

Then I saw it. I have a set of old gas lamps that were converted to electricity that have been passed down in our family. I have heard that they are worth money, but would never part with them. A woman there had one that matched my set. The reason this was exciting is that my sister Cindy wanted one of the set, but I wouldn't break the set, so she let me have both of them. This was in the wake of some bad blood between us, because I was promised a set of my grandmother's china, but she took it, and refused to let it go. So I thought I could buy this one, use it with one of the set, and let her have one of the family lamps. This was the problem. The woman wanted $20 for it, and she also had a lovely monax "American Sweetheart" chop plate that I wanted for $15. I had $24 in my pocket.

After asking about the chop plate, I told the woman she was really testing me. As I resignedly peeled off a twenty to pay for the lamp, I explained about the family story, and about how I collect Depression Glass. I told her although I loved the plate, I thought $20 was pretty cheap to help patch up some bad blood. I promise, hand to God, I was not telling her this to try to work a deal. I told her because I thought she might find the story of the lamp interesting.

She was a really sweet woman though, and sold me the chop plate for $9 (it is valued at $15 in my old book), and the lamp for $15. I was really surprised, and felt a little guilty, but I don't know how much she had in them, so I am hoping she still made money. If I had been trying to work a deal, I would have felt bad, but since I hadn't been pulling anything, I gave her all my money, thanked her profusely, and left feeling pretty damn good.

"American Sweetheart" 11" Chop Plate in monax, by McBeth Evans Glass Company, circa 1930-1936

I really think this is beautiful. I love how the color is translucent. I think I'll hang this one up. It will show up really well against my dark walls.

A productive day, with unexpected rewards

FireKing Philbe or "Blue Sapphire" 9" pie dish - because the "Fire King" logo is on this, it is most likely circa 1942-1945

Got up this morning determined to get some shit DONE. Lots of niggling little errands laying around here that I had been putting off.

- did a flea market run for produce, and exchanged some jeans I bought last weekend
- hauled off the recycling
- got the oil changed in the blue bomber
- dropped my navy peacoat at the cleaners to be de-Croonerized, and my suit to be cleaned and repaired
- mailed Michael's Christmas present for the third time, hopefully this is the charm
- hauled a load to the thrift store

When I showed up at the Red Ribbon thrift store, our local AIDS charity store, they were closed. I didn't realize they weren't keeping Saturday hours any longer. Fortunately for me, there was a very nice volunteer there working on some stuff and she let me in to take my donation. I had planned on looking around, but didn't want to trouble her more than I already had. She was really nice about it though, and told me to look around; she had to be there anyway. I had already looked at the Goodwill that day, and found nothing. Frankly after last weekend, I figured I had used up my glass luck for some time. I was wrong though. I found some really good stuff at Red Ribbon. They had two little crystal "Colonial" plates that I picked up for cheap ($2 each, valued in my old book at $4.50), and an old Glasbake dish $1.25) that I'm still trying to ID. The find of the day though, was a FireKing "Blue Sapphire" pie dish for $2.

I have been thinking for years that I would start a collection of that bake ware, because I think it is so pretty, but then I would think "Do I really need to start another collection?" Apparently Justin is rubbing off on me; but it was too good of a bargain to leave. I had to have it. And I love it. I'm really glad I went ahead and got it. So I guess I have started another collection. Sigh.

As it was, I wasn't sure I was right when I got it home. I have seen other pieces of this, and recognized the pattern, but the color was so light on this piece, I thought it was crystal. Justin has a book on Collectible 40's, 50's, and 60's, and when we looked it up it only came in blue and ivory. When I put it against the white stove, I could see the blue tinge, so I knew for sure. The book value for that piece is $10. But as I heard a dealer say, he never had a book buy anything. Still I was happy with the deal. I got at least $19 worth of glass for $7.50. Justin came over to hang out last night, so I baked brownies in the pie dish. As it turns out, it is the perfect size for a batch of brownies :)

In another surprise, some purple glasses my dad got for me ended up being listed in Justin's book too. He got them for me because someone told him they were Amethyst Glass. Well one look, and I knew they weren't, so I stuck them in the attic and forgot about them. Turns out I was right and wrong. They aren't antique Amethyst Glass, but they are a color made in the 60's called "Moroccan Amethyst", are now collectible, and valued at $5 each! I'm still using them, but I now understand how older people are so surprised that I am collecting Depression Glass. It's old stuff they threw out. Just like these 60's glasses. LOL

We used the Colonial plates for nibbles, and watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit on TCM. They are doing a month of Oscar winners. I knew it had been nominated for an Oscar, but didn't know it had won 4! In technical categories, but still. I went to see that movie at least 4 times when it came out. I was fascinated by Jessica Rabbit, without understanding why. She was my first drag queen. Her number in the movie is burned into my synapses. I put a poster of her over my bed. Dad was happy because she was a she, and I was happy because she was my hero. And Kathleen Turner's sultry voice was so glamorously wiskey-sexy, who couldn't listen to her over and over?

Colonial or "Knife and Fork" 8.5" luncheon plate in crystal by Hocking Glass Company circa 1934-1936

60's "Moroccan Amethyst" glass by Anchor Hocking. Who knew?

Friday night with Russ and Billy

Even though I was tired today, and even though I haven’t been sleeping well, I still didn’t want to just go home and do nothing on a Friday night. So I called Russ and Billy to see what they were doing. Good thing I did, they are going to Charlotte tomorrow night to go to The Eagle. I keep thinking I need to go with them, and I keep not doing it. I just hate a gay bar. They are just no fun to me anymore.

It turned out that Russ wanted to have hot dogs, and they just love my chili. So I made some and took it over, and we had veggie chili dogs and corn on the cob. We watched the beginning of a Margaret Cho movie called Bam Bam and Celeste. We watched it for a bit, but it really seemed like revisionist wannabe history. NO ONE is as cool and self confident in high school as these two ‘outsiders’ were. I think this may be more how Margaret Cho wished she had been in high school than she actually was. Billy lost patience with it early on and we took it out.

We ended up watching Clerks II, which was hackneyed, but watchable. The antics of Jay and Silent Bob were amusing (I imagine they would have been funnier high, but still), but the main drag on the movie was Brian O’Halloran, who I think can safely be described as talent-free. His acting is really bad; and the obviously and jarringly chocolate brown dyed hair and goatee didn’t help – part of the character or not. Rosario Dawson was as OK as the material allowed her to be, however, and her huge smile is infectious. I would enjoy seeing her in something else. I haven’t seen the original Clerks, and I hate watching things out of order. I might have enjoyed it more if I had seen the original.

Still, it was a nice evening, and good to see them.

***

But as usual, nothing for me is that simple.

We ate on paper plates again. I’m having a dilemma about this. Russ and Billy are my best friends, and they don’t recycle. I know a lot of people don’t, and I’ve been keeping quiet about it; but I feel really bad about eating on paper plates when they have a cabinet full of dishes and a dishwasher. So I’m debating on how much of an ass I would be to say something about this. I know they lead busy lives, and I know some days you just don’t feel like fooling with dishes.

I did some research online, and can’t find out how long it takes laminated paper to break down in a landfill. I know there are water conservation issues in Southern California, but in general the phosphates used for dish detergent break down to negligible levels before reaching the environment (I use environmentally friendly dish soap at home). The long and short of it is it just feels wasteful to me. I feel guilty for eating dinner off something that is going to take 40-100 years to biodegrade – especially when I don’t have to.

I run the gauntlet

Today was a long day, but then I knew it was going to be. Work first, of course, which went pretty well. There is much hustle and bustle in the office right now, because our national sales symposium is this weekend, and there are sales people from all over the country gathered in the office.

I left work early for another aggravating doctor’s appointment. Went to see the sleep guy. I have been waiting two months for this appointment. I thought today was CPAP day, and took my sleep study mask in to swap it out, since it is slightly smaller than the grill off a 1967 Cadillac. The doc is like “Why do you have that with you?” After I explained, he first was not even aware that I don’t have a CPAP yet, and next told me he can’t fit me for the machine, and had no masks for one. So I’m like “Why am I here then?!” “To discuss your sleep study.” He said. “It sucked.” I informed him. And that pretty much was the end of it. I also told him that I could get six hours of crappy sleep at home, without having to take Elvis-level sleeping pills or be hooked to a machine. He did tell me that the CPAP machine did correct the sleep apnea, during the 6 hours that I slept, and that I had no immune problems, which he had suspected. He then prescribed the CPAP machine, and told me they would have to come to the house to fit me. Great. More time away from the office. Grrrrrr. So I keep the CPAP for a month, then go back to the doctor for another evaluation, at which point, he will report to the surgeon whether or not I am a pass or fail.

Leaving the doctor’s office, I spent a half hour trying to get in touch with the agency rep I was meeting for dinner. They had one of the guys who works our account in town, and wanted me to meet him. I finally got that straightened out, met them for dinner, and consumed a lovely 1,100 calorie meal at Romano’s Macaroni Grill. Delicious food, but very fattening. They have the third best Caesar salad in town.

From there it was on to my boss’s retirement party, which was at least downtown, and on my way home. I hate stuff like that. I usually don’t go to any company functions. I know I probably should, but I hate making small talk with a bunch of people I mostly don’t find that interesting. But Tom has been good to me, and he has been a pretty easy boss to work for. Also, he made the opportunity for me to get my present job. The least I could do was go and make an appearance. The dinner wasn’t supposed to start until 7:30, but by the time I got there at 8:15, everyone was leaving. Apparently they had started early, and by the time I got there it was all over. But my boss was still there, and I got to offer him my congratulations, which was really the only reason I went. I watched them take the tablecloths off for a while, as he tried to eat, since he had been talking all evening. I finally told him I was going to leave him in peace – Tom hates a fuss or being the center of attention, and while I’m sure this was flattering, I am equally sure he was uncomfortable. He said some very nice things to me before I left. I was touched. He really is a nice guy. I have caveats here, but I am choosing to forget them. Overall, he has been very good to me.

I also missed the announcement about his successor. As expected, it was the protégé he has been grooming for some time. The guy is very young for the job, but he has certainly paid his dues, and I know that he is very dedicated to the company. If he doesn’t get Big Head Syndrome, and keeps some sense of perspective (he had a tendency to nit-pick), he should work out. I really hope he does.

After all this, I came home and gratefully collapsed about 9:15. What a DAY! I am so glad this one is behind me. Whew!

Who I am, and what I want:

OK, if you're reading this and enjoying it, that could be a sign that we should know each other better...

"If love was a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?" Anna and the King

My lover of six years and I ended our relationship in the fall of 2006. He moved out early in January 2007. Our relationship was a great life experience, and I learned a lot. But I'm not in stasis mode any more. It is time for me to get out there again. I would really like to meet a nice guy to go to dinner and movies with, or just hang out and snuggle on the sofa. Sex would be nice too. I’m lonely, but not desperate. I’m hoping to have someone to share my life with again, but if I do this again, I’m doing it right. I won’t go in to a situation that is wrong for me just because I’m lonely.

I embrace my sexuality as a vital part of my masculinity (translation – I’m a horn dog), but I don’t think it defines me completely. I try to be the best man I can be, which may or may not meet stereotypical expectations on a given day. I try to be a man of courtesy, compassion, and empathy. I try to make my part of the world a better place to be. My ultimate goal in life would be to have everyone I meet on this journey look back on our meeting as an enriching and positive life experience. I try to remember that it costs nothing to be kind. I try to be the man I AM, embracing all the facets of that person, and refusing to be forced into a box of societal expectation. Obviously, this is a pretty tall order, and on a good day, I hit it about 80%. On a bad day, I vow to try harder tomorrow. I am quick of temper, but quick to get over it.

I love gay people, and I love bears in particular, but the ‘cult of masculinity’ mentality troubles me. I love a hot scruffy guy in a flannel shirt as much as (or probably more than) the next guy, but I won’t demean someone or make someone feel unwelcome because they don’t look or act like a lumberjack. I like folks in general, and relish variety. My one criterion for my friends is that they don't bore me. In short, some of the bravest and toughest people I have known have been the nelliest, because they can’t duck when it’s convenient. It takes big brass ones to be out at the DMV on Monday morning. And I’ll get down off that soapbox now.

Obviously I am slightly opinionated. I smoke when I drink. I drink and smoke socially. I cuss way too much for a reasonably intelligent person.

I love bad movies, particularly at 4:20. I enjoy a broad range of music, but in general I have a limited tolerance for techno bar disco that sounds like Freddie Kruger’s heartbeat. I don’t do sad movies or books, because I’m too softhearted, and there is enough grief in life as it comes; I don’t borrow it. I love to read, and read both literature and crap. I enjoy bad books the way I enjoy bad movies.

I am unreasonably vain about my cooking. I don’t eat things that walk on land, unless they can express their appreciation for my having done so, but I really try not to be a obnoxious about it. I won’t lecture you about factory farming unless you ask.

Here are the things I have now figured out are crucial to me in a life partner:

- A sense of humor!! You must be able to make me laugh, the more the better; and you must get and appreciate my jokes, and just why I’m so incredibly witty.

- You must be a fundamentally happy person. Yes already. I expect you to be looking for someone to share a good life with, not someone to complete you or fix you.

- If you are looking for the perfect guy, please know that you have NOT found him. If you put me on a pedestal, I’m gonna fall off and hurt myself and probably you in the process. You should be looking for a real person, and be practical enough to know that I may ride in a white horse, but all that means is there’s a stable around somewhere that needs mucking out. If you can't deal with shit, you really don't want a relationship. I love romance, but hopeless romantics tend to be very disillusioned by reality and pragmatism. I need someone who can share and sustain love in the real world.

- You should truly relish intimacy. I am a toucher, and I like to be touched back, even outside the bedroom sometimes. You should be able to express and show affection in ways that are non-sexual also. You should not have a lot of stop signs on your body, and should be open to trying new things in the bedroom. If you like lovin in the morning PLEASE step forward!

- You should not be a jealous person. I am a shameless flirt and a very social person. You should be open to some level of an open relationship. I’m not going to be out running the streets all the time, but I refuse to base our man-to-man relationship on a model designed for straight people that doesn’t work for them half the time. If you want to know more about this, please IM me. I’ll be happy to go into more detail.

- You should be financially OK. I am not saying rich. I could care less if you have a vacation home or drive a new car. I’m saying that you should be employed, or employable, and have a financial plan for the future that doesn’t rely on winning the lottery. I'm a 40 year old Virgo, I need a man with a plan.

- You must be able to communicate effectively in a relationship. We should be able to talk about feelings and problems together, hopefully without too much yelling, and reach compromises, which we will both agree to and keep.

- You should be a fairly neat person. I like the place nice. Ideally, you like to work in the yard, cause I hate it.

- You need a have a face I can fall in love with. Of course, that is entirely subjective, and really no help.

Nice pics are great, but a nice guy who is a bit of a smart alek is going to get my attention.

I am a sucker for: men that make me laugh, beautiful eyes, a nice smile, a guy that knows the best sex starts in your brain, guys who post funny pics of themselves, a man who can carry on a conversation, and has read a book in the last 4-5 years. Oh, and if you have a fuzzy butt I can bounce a quarter off of, screw the chatting and just come to my fucking house.

Not much on: those who mistake inscrutability for depth, folks who take themselves too seriously, if you feel the need to put MASCULINE in your profile like 15 times in 3 paragraphs, guys who kiss with tight puckered mouths, men who use pics in their profiles that are apparently from high school or the womb, men who wear leather as a justification rather than an expression of who they are.

Happy Chinese New Year, and welcome to the Year of the Rat!

The Rat (Chinese: Chinese zodiac related to the Chinese calendar. Rat is associated with aggression, wealth, charm, and order, yet also associated with death, war, the occult, pestilence, and atrocities. The Year of the Rat is associated with the earthly branch symbol 子.

People born in the Year of the Rat are noted for their charm and attraction for the opposite sex. They work hard to achieve their goals, acquire possessions, and are likely to be perfectionists. They are basically thrifty with money. Rat people are easily angered and love to gossip. Their ambitions are big, and they are usually very successful. They are most compatible with people born in the years of the Dragon, Monkey, and Ox.

THE EARTH RAT 1948 AND 2008

The Earth adds solidity to the Rat's personality. An Earth Rat is conventional and a good achiever who likes to establish roots early in order to make a secure future for himself and his family. These Rats have the typical Rat ingenuity and mental capacity, but a strong sense of reality often eludes them preventing them from going after anything that could be impromptu. Earth Rats are honorable and love to be stabilized. Slowly and steadily acquiring wealth gives them a sense of inner peace. Although they are capable of being stingy with their finances, they do possess warm feelings for their family and friends.

And ya'll, it is really hard to find cool chinese rat pics to put on your blog.

Sloth, Gluttony, and other vices

Well I decided to go out for nasty ole Chinese Buffet to celebrate Chinese New Year; and because I just wanted some nasty ole Chinese Buffet and this was as good a rationalization as any. But I was pretty disappointed. The place we usually go wasn’t nearly as good as it normally is. Everything was dried out and had obviously been on the bar for some time, plus they had stuff in the wrong bins, so stuff was in the wrong place. I ended up putting some chicken on my plate, which pissed me off. I ate it. I usually eat mistakes, unless I’m feeling really pissy that day. My rationale is that the only thing worse than an animal living in misery and dying so I can eat is for that same animal to end up in the garbage. It really pissed me off though, because I had resisted temptation for something I really wanted earlier in the day.

We had a free food day at work, and they had chicken wings. I LOVE chicken wings. When I fall off the wagon, that is usually what I fall off for. I have been pescetarian (someone who eats fish, but no cow, chicken, pig, or other critters) for 9 ½ years now. When I started, I said that I wasn’t going to deny myself a bit of meat every now and then if I want it, but when I eat it now, I feel like a hypocrite, so I usually don’t do it unless it’s in private. It’s like a secret vice. Plus I just really hate facing those chicken trucks on the highway after I’ve eaten chicken that week. So I ate potato salad and green salad for lunch, and rewarded myself with a cookie. It really pissed me off that I denied myself the wings I wanted, and then ended up eating dried-out Chinese chicken lumps later.

After that, I was supposed to go home and haul off the recycling, but I didn’t do it. I was SO tired, and I know I have a really rough day tomorrow. So I did a load of laundry, and went to bed early. I haven’t slept through the night for the last week and a half, and I’m feeling it.

Movin' on up

Well the blog move is DONE! Yay! I finished moving the last of the old posts this morning.

A boring, boring evening, which I will not infict upon you. I'm trying to get ready for Thursday, when I have the gamut to run.

Happy Super Tuesday! I hope your candidate wins, whomever that is, unless you are a Dick Cheney fan. I'm feeling much better about John McCain right now. I read that Ann Coulter is threatening to campaign for Hillary Clinton if he wins the Republican nomination. Anyone Ann Coulter hates that badly has got to be a great guy. It would be worth voting for him just to a) see Ann Coulter stump for Hillary, or b) much more likely, castigate her endlessly for breaking her promise. Whatever the outcome, I am loving the voter participation. It's about time Americans got up off their fucking barka loungers and exercised a right we take for granted that others in the world are literally dying to try to secure.

Happy Mardi Gras! Hope all you folks down in The Big Easy (New Orleans, not my bedroom) had a great time, and are ready to be appropriately penitent tomorrow. I celebrated with a (veggie) chili cheeseburger.

How to succeed in business, without really having the sense God gave a billygoat

Returned to work today, only to be slapped in the face with the latest indignity.

We have a venerable old war horse who works here, and has been here from day one. The guy has paid his dues, and worked hard for the company. He is an ex-military guy who transferred the zeal he no doubt used to break unlucky privates to breaking unlucky newbie sale representatives. (For example: One of his management ideas was to make all the sales reps who didn’t make quota wear “Bob the Builder” hats every day at work for the next month. The company actually implemented this for a while.)

He was famous for the lectures he would drop by HR to give to new hires, one of which I was unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of (think old school “you should give prayers of thanks every day for having such a wonderful job” style management, and you pretty much have the tone). He has made his money, and started the trendy “second family” that so many executives are sporting these days. The problem is he has kind of outlived his usefulness. He is a sales manager of the Old Guard. He managed by threats, intimidation, and humiliation; but he did deliver results. Several years ago, due to the stress of the job, the overtime, and a diet consisting in large part of fast food fried chicken; he had a massive heart attack and almost died.

Because of his health, he couldn’t do his old job any more. Plus, they really needed to get rid of his management style there. But he didn’t want to retire, and I suspect that the powers that be couldn’t find out a way to get rid of him without a lawsuit. Who knows, there may even be vestigial consciences remaining in the people upstairs, although I usually see little evidence of it.

For whatever the reason, they re-assigned the guy to an office manager position. He’s in charge of keeping the building stocked and ship-shape, and watching for cost overruns in administrative maintenance.

The problem is that this old war horse won’t be put out to pasture. He has attacked the building maintenance and cost overrun shepherding with all the old enthusiasm he used to use to reduce sales representatives to tears and curses.

He has now decided that we spend too much on FedEx shipments, and that all FedEx shipments must be personally reviewed and approved by him before we allow them to go out. When I first started working for the company, FedEx required a supervisor’s approval. Next they all had to be reviewed by a VP. This is an office with over 300 people. Apparently we are all to be treated like 5-year-olds. This means that every time I want to send a letter overnight (which I do to all of my customers with balances over $5K, since I handle problem accounts) I have to get two approvals. Can you say “drowning in bureaucracy” boys and girls? Can you put in on a postcard? Lord have mercy.

Here are some other wonderful policy decisions this man has implemented:

- He decided we were spending too much on pens, so the company would no longer buy them. Since the vendors sometimes bring in pens as premiums, official company policy is that you have to stock up when the vendors bring them in, or buy your own.

- To save on carpet cleaning costs, he decreed that we would no longer be able to have open cups at our desks. All cups brought into the office have to have covers. The company does not provide paper cups for the water cooler. You have to bring your own cup from home.

- He decided that we could save cleaning costs by firing the cleaning staff, and having everyone “clean up after themselves”. The bathrooms and vacuuming were to be done by our mail guy, and our maintenance guy. The cleaning service was quietly re-engaged a month later.

- He campaigned (successfully) to have a dress code implemented, since he doesn’t like casual clothes in the workplace. This is a computer company. One of the main reasons I chose this firm was that we were allowed to wear casual clothes to work. I now dress like a corporate yuppie clone every day. Sigh. That one was hard to take.

It’s like the madness of King George around here. I just can’t believe they keep letting him DO this. What an ass.