Note for this morning

A) I slept for almost ten hours last night, and I'm feeling much better today.

B) I got a drunk email from my closet-case preacher this morning. Basically, he was explaining that he has to preach for five more years to retire with full benefits, and that he continues to work for the acceptance of gays in his church. He also feels that it will be a powerful witness for him to come out after running a very successful church for 20 years. I think that a lot of people will just see a man who has deceived them for 20 years. He ended by asking me out for next week. My response follows:

"I can certainly understand your wanting to stay on for your retirement. I'm planning my own and I know how that is. But by telling me that you are waiting to come out until after you retire, you acknowledge that a) if you came out, your church would turn on you; and b) that you are deceiving your church - rightly or wrongly. Do I think that gay people should be able to serve as clergy? - absolutely. But I have problems with us sneaking in there.

Before anything else, I feel that those who have a higher calling have a calling to live to a higher standard.

I know that clergy are still humans. I know that clergy still sin. But I don't understand how someone with a calling can instruct the flock while their own life - the most personal part of themselves - is a lie.

I know this sounds probably way harsher than I mean for it to. I just know the things I have done and the price I have paid because I refused to live a lie. It is hard for me to respect someone who has decided to take what appears to be the easy way. I personally don't think that it's easier. I think you pay either way. I can't imagine the strain of having to make sure that no one who knows you really knows you; of never being sure that you have one true friend.

I have been friends with several closet cases in my life, and their reasons are always compelling to them. The rationalizations are always easy to follow. Being openly gay in my own life has caused problems. If I had stayed in the closet until adulthood, I could probably have finished my college eductation - as it was, my father and I were having so many problems I had to move out as soon as I was able. I have given up professional opportunities (working in banking, or to teach elementary school, which I thought seriously about doing at one time) because I knew that these professions would be incompatible with my living a life as free of deception as I could make it.

Yes (H), I will try to be your friend. I would love to show you the movie (I offered to show him Before Stonewall - which I think should be required viewing for all gay people, and would probably do most straight people a lot of good for that matter). I think we are at the point now where we need to move beyond the God stuff - at least as it pertains to my trying to work out where your head is. I think I understand that now. I was a bit freaked by an active minister looking for a gay relationship that he would keep secret. But I understand that preachers have to eat too. It sounds as if you have a nice life.

But. I need to tell you now that we will not be dating. I may be unclear about some of the rationales in your life. But my own are crystal-clear. One of my primary tenets is that I will not be in a relationship with someone who is ashamed of me - or of himself. And on some level, all the closet stuff comes back to shame. There is no way I will hide for five and a half years, or be a "roommate", or "the minister's good friend". I have fought very hard not to be Howard Sprague, (H). I don't intend to go there.

I really can't introduce you to my friends, because I'm not sure that would be good for your secret. The more people that know, the more chance there is of things getting out. I know a lot of people.

So I guess if I've pissed you off or scared you with this email I won't hear from you again. If that is the case, I wish you well.

If you still want to be friends, dinner out Tuesday would be nice. And there's no need to defend your positon. In no way is this email me trying to tell you how to run your life. Those are decisions that you make. It's just me sharing my feelings, and those aren't going to change."

I guess life is a lot easier if you've never read "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand.