A post in which I slept

Thank God. But there was a price to be paid. Sleeping pills suppress your REM sleep cycle, which is when you dream. Prolonged periods without REM sleep causes similar symptoms to schizophrenia. I suppose that is one of the many reasons I'm so crazy. But anyway. I did sleep through the night last night, but dreamed intensely all night, much of which was borderline nightmare. I woke up feeling drug out just from all the dreaming.

*dream sequence*

So an obscure relative had died. I was in his incredibly run-down house clearing it out with another obscure relative (who inexplicably looked like my mother's ex-brother-in-law Lane, only grown old and gray). The house was just borderline close to a shed, and full of old dusty stuff, some of which was worth money, and some of which was just crap. We were going through trying to sort it.

At some point, we stopped to eat. I prepared a noodle dish, and went out onto the back porch to eat it. One of this relative's cats had died, and the body had been cut up and put into a porcelain jar of some kind (similar to a canopic jar). In the dream I felt an overwhelming urge to eat part of the cat's brain. So I opened the jar, picked some out with my chopsticks, added it to my noodles, and devoured them. Immediately afterwards, I felt sick, and the compulsion left me.

Because this cat had been a pet, there was a terrible price to be paid. The ancient Chinese gods had been angered, and we had to endure a curse from them. Eventually they were mollified (I don't remember how), after a long period of us trying to figure out how to do that. I woke up because of something Crooner did, and was very relieved to be out of it.

*end dream*

So I was having coffee on the porch this morning, listening to it gently rain, and marvelling at the determination of the birds. The male birds were still singing out their territorial/mating songs even in the rain. The streetlights were kind of misty around the edges, and so was I. My brain was fuzzy this morning. I have been blaming the pills for that, but it may have just been overload this morning. I was kind of trying to figure out what the dream meant, which is kind of like trying to put a puzzle together with some pieces missing and no picture to tell you what it is.

I think it was my brain trying to work through my concerns about my dad and my own mortality, which I suspect have smacked right up against each other. It was probably also my protestant punishment-minded brain trying to work through why I had cancer, and some leftover guilt for eating chicken wings the other week. That was what I came up with anyway.

When I got to work, I had a return message from Michael. He has been planning to send me a more personalized update, but he's working three jobs (!!), going to graduate school, AND preparing to move to LA in June also. Small wonder he's having a hard time keeping up. I did feel better after hearing from him, and that I hadn't been just pushed to the side. I kind of had my feelings hurt about that.

On the way home tonight, I went through Garden Ridge to look for some new plasticware. Surprisingly, they have cut their excellent kitchenware section almost in half. It seems they sell mostly furniture there now. They didn't have what I was looking for, but I did get some new pillows for the sofa. I liked the old ones, but they've been slept on so much and can't be washed. Plus they're like chemo-cushions now. I liked the ones I bought tonight until I got them home. They're like a sage-y green color, but when I put them in the living room, they just look tan. Oh well. They are soft and comfy.

A post in which it is a long day

I was up at 3:30am this morning with insomnia. Ugh. Of course I did get sleepy again - just as I pulled into the parking lot at work. That makes for a long day.

In other, completely unrelated, work news, for some reason strange things have been turning up in the men's room. First there was a plastic fork in there right beside the toilet. Which of course made me wonder why in the world you would have a plastic fork in the toilet stall to start with, and if you dropped it why you would just leave it there? I guess I should be glad they didn't eat with it anyway. It kind of made me feel like I'm working in a crack house, but then plastic cutlery always elicits an overreaction of some kind in yours truly. Next a copy of US magazine ended up in there. Now I'm all about reading material in the potty, don't get me wrong, but I'm wondering a) who carried it in there; b) who is reading it (I know it is being read - I heard pages being turned in there today); and c) just how many gay guys do we have working here? It just seems like such an odd choice for a straight guy to take to the restroom. OK, sorry, enough with the men's room bulletins. I just wonder about these things.

I had a good lunch today - homemade white bean soup with a furkey and swiss cheese sandwich and red pear. Mmmmmm I thought about Justin while I was eating, because he believes that soup and sandwich is the best. meal. ever. I checked out the slow cooker blog again today. Part of me is intrigued, and part of me thinks that a lot of this stuff would be easier just to bung in the oven and call it a day. I am going to make that taco soup at some point though.

After much debate with myself about sounding like the whiny ex I emailed Michael today through Facebook. I didn't hear back from him when I tried to get his address at Christmas to send him a Christmas card. Then I found out that he sent Russ and Billy a Christmas card with a news letter in it for cryin' out loud. He hasn't been in touch about treatment and stuff, but I figured he was following my posts on Facebook about that. So I know he's moved on with his life and everything (he has a new husband and all), but I've still kinda felt pushed to the side. So rightly or wrongly, I sent him a message to find out what's going on. I decided that if I was worrying this much about it I should just go ahead. I wasn't accusatory or anything, it was just kind of a 'what's up?' kinda thing.

It was Tuesday, so the night for dinner out with the folks. When I got to the house though, Dad was in the bed and not feeling well enough to go. That worries me. This is the second time that's happened. I love my step-mom and all, and I don't mind going to dinner with just her, but I want to see my dad. Anyway, we went on to supper and had a nice meal and conversation. When we got back to the house I went back to Dad's room and visited with him for a bit. From his bed, he's worried about all the Coumadin I'm taking. I feel like the improved relationship with Dad is one of the big blessings I got from having cancer. I hate to feel like that blessing is going to be taken away. Dad just seems to be going down before me. He's on that shoebox of pills, has back problems, and now trouble with his hips. They're talking about doing hip replacements on him, but the doctor wants him to lose all this weight first. My dad has gained and lost the same 30lbs for years, but they want him to lose 50-75. If he did that, I think a lot of his health issues would abate, but I don't think he's going to be able to do it. Complicating this is his poor food choices, which of course I can't say anything about to him. I just feel so helpless. I don't know of anything I can do.

After a visit with him, I headed home early to turn in. I stopped on the way to get a birthday card for Lisa (her birthday is coming up very shortly) and drop it at the downtown post office in hopes that she'll get it in time. It's still up in the air if I'm sending Cindy a card this year or not. I'm thinking not at this point. It isn't an anger thing; but she never called, emailed, or sent me a single card during treatment. I could have died. I just don't see the point of trying to keep that relationship going right now.

I'm praying I sleep tonight. I'm trying to wean myself off of all the sleep stuff I was taking during treatment, but I knew this wasn't going to be fun. Last night I took pills and was still up half the night. Tonight I was so tired I just decided to go on to bed without taking anything. We'll see how that goes. I really need some rest.

A post in which it is a Monday

The week got off to a fairly nice start. Russ reminded me this past weekend next weekend is the Kindred gathering for inductions. We have four new family members - yay - but that also means that I needed to get on the stick and get some more cookbooks printed up. Fortunately I had already gone back and done the re-edit for type-o's and re-numbered the pages. So I printed it all out this morning and got it to the printers. The woman remembered me! I couldn't believe it, because I was last in there in December of 2010. But she did, and told me they could get the books back to me by Friday. It gave me a lift to realize again that I wrote a book. It's a hard feeling to describe. I'm doing a re-edit for vanilla folks, and hope to have copies of that bound for Christmas to give to Cole and to friends.

I stopped for groceries on the way home, forgetting to use the coupon I brought with me as usual. They still don't have my favorite yogurt back in stock, inexplicably. They have all the yukky flavors, of course. They did have two that I kind of like, so I got some of that. I checked the price on the he detergent, and I did get a good price on it this past weekend, which made me feel good. I became consumed with a craving for big soft pretzels and spent about 15 minute in the freezer section before I finally found them (it was worth it). I bought the stuff for my dish for Saturday night. I'm debating on whether or not to take a lasagna for lunch on Sunday. I'd like to, but there are other things I need to do Saturday, I don't know how many people would eat spinach lasagna, and I'm afraid that if I spend all day in the kitchen Saturday I'll be too tired to enjoy Saturday night.

I had hot dogs for supper and chatted online tonight while I caught up on the latest RuPaul's Drag Race. I'm talking to a guy named Michael who sounds promising, but I'm afraid that I'll send him screaming into the night. He seems pretty cloistered. But he's local, and cute as a bucket o' puppies, so I'm gonna try.

I had washed my new pants in hopes of wearing them this weekend, but they were still stiff as a board, so I threw them in with a jacket that needed washing, and washed them again. I was reflecting ironically tonight that I wish what I was putting in the pants would retain stiffness as well as the pants themselves are, but then also decided I don't want to go through life as a bonobo either (bonobos have permanently erect penii). I looked them up online today, and found that I got them for over 50% off. I had no idea Carhartts were that expensive.

I stayed up too late.

A post in which I return to the Jockey Lot

I was very excited this morning because it was to be my first post-treatment trip to the flea market. I was up early to check the weather on line, eat breakfast, and take my pills. When Russ got to the house I was ready to roll. Russ brought me coffee and pancakes Billy had made for breakfast - they were telish.

Although the weather was supposed to be cold, it was beautiful out, and ended up not being as cold as predicted. Because of the pretty weather, the place was packed with shoppers. I had forgotten how good the *ahem* window shopping is at the flea market. I found everything but a husband today, but I saw a coupla guys I wouldn't have minded auditioning for the part.

As soon as we got to the Jockey Lot I started finding stuff. We hadn't gotten out of the car really before I found a searcy for Rhonda. Then I bought a pair of tennis shoes. I really wanted to get rid of the ones I wore to chemo. I've never liked them (they make my feet look fat - I know, that's insane, but they do), and wearing them to treatment just added another layer of unpleasantness. I get a new pair of tennies every spring anyway. I remember reading a short story where the author talks about shedding the winter shoes, with their memories of cold and slush, for a new start in a bouncing new pair of boppers. I've never forgotten that. This year, of all years, I am ready to shed the old and bring in the new!

Next I found a big bottle of high-efficiency laundry detergent. I may have gotten taken there, but I'm using up the old detergent and needed some he detergent for the new washer anyway. It seemed like a decent deal. I found a depression glass platter that was nice, and at a good price, and a pattern I like; but I have one already, so I left that treasure for someone else. After some debate (and a small loan from Russ) I bought a pair of brown Carhartt work pants. The main reason I wanted them is because we know this guy named Ben who just looks amazing in his. If I could look half as hot as he does in them, I knew I wanted a pair, although I reflected ruefully afterwards that his are a good bit smaller than mine. But they are bought, and I'm kinda stoked about wearing them. I have fantasies of being a vision on caramel brown next weekend.

I got some nice yellow delicious apples to take for lunches next week. I'm tickled to be back to eating a good amount of fresh fruit again. Sadly, when I got the apples home, they had hidden the overripe ones on the bottom of the basket, so these weren't quite as nice as I thought they were, although they were fine.

We saw our friends David and Tom, and waved them down to talk for a while. It was good to see them. David is a really nice guy, and I had a bit of a crush on him at one point. Tom is terrifically sweet, and was very nice about asking how I was doing, and wishing me well. He's also a talented chef, and I love going to their place partially because the food is always wonderful.

Logan was leaving on business of his own, but we had lunch at the Pizza Dog first. Ironically, they were out of pizza today, which is what I usually get. Their cheese pizza is good, and a lot of times I have that for breakfast while I shop. I had a grilled cheese and some onion rings. It was fine. The main reason to be there was for the companionship anyway. Billy and Logan went with us, so it was an extra treat. Usually Billy would rather sleep in on Sundays than go to the flea market.

After lunch Logan went on his way, and Russ and Billy rode to drop me off. They came in for a visit, which was nice.

I took it pretty easy for the rest of the day. Although my feet and legs held up pretty well to all the walking, that was a lot of activity for me right now. I'm still building my strength and endurance back up. I did some laundry, chatted online, and futzed around the house for a while before having a late, light supper and turning in.

Lovely day.

A post in which I have dinner out with the guys*

I'm trying to wean myself off taking pills every night to sleep. It's tough. I was up with insomnia a lot of the night, but managed to doze off for a while this morning.

I woke up and started casually chatting online, ending up with a buddy coming over. Whoa. He was at the house for over three hours, and I'll just say that all functions seem to be back online at this point. He's a very beautiful younger man named Chad. About halfway through the visit the thought kind of wandered across the back of my mind that he wasn't a terribly lot older than my nephew, but I just kind of quashed that.

After he left I checked in with Russ, Billy, and Logan. We agreed to supper out 7ish, which gave me time to futz around the house some. I had to make tea, etc. There just seemed to be 7,000 little jobs that needed doing today.

We ended up going back to Kannika's Thai Kitchen for Thai food. After no one could make up their mind I suggested it. I tried a noodle dish the waiter suggested called Pad Kee Mao which was gorgeously delicious. After my experience the last time, I asked that the spice level be kept to mild. Logan had Pad Thai and I tasted it. Although it was quite good, it just didn't taste like Pad Thai, which traditionally has a peanut sauce. This didn't, but as I say it was good.

After supper we headed back to the house for a visit and a talk. We were going to play a game, but the events of the day combined with my bout of insomnia did me in. I had to go home and get in the bed. But it was still a very nice day.

A post in which I take my best girl out

Rhonda was puny last Friday and cancelled on me, so I made sure to make a date for today. The Secret World of Arrietty was showing in theaters here, but I knew it wouldn't be for long. I thought Rhonda would enjoy it and wanted to take her to see it on big screen. I wanted to see it too, but I know Rhonda doesn't go to the movies very often and thought it would be a special treat for her. I enjoy anime, and started showing her some of my Hayao Miyazaki movies when we were home during treatments. I thought she would enjoy his movies because his protagonists are usually girls, and because they are simultaneously cute and empowered (like her). She seemed to like them.

First though, we had to procure some supper. After a brief visit with Tony, we headed out. We ended up eating Mexican (I can't seem to get enough of that this week) at a place near the theater called Puerto Vallarta. The food and the service was good; and although it was fairly standard fare, after the last couple of experiences that was welcome. Plus they finished off the meal with complimentary cinnamon chips with chocolate syrup and whipped cream. They were so good I had the waitress bring us a plate of them. Yummy!

We had a bit of time to kill after dinner, so we did a little strolling, talking, and took a little shop through TJ Maxx, although we didn't buy anything. I want some new underwear, but didn't like anything they had on offer.

Arrietty wasn't directed by Miyazaki (although he did co-write it), but it is a Studio Ghibli release, so I knew the quality would be there. It was! The style was very different than Miyazaki. Arrietty was directed by Hiromasa Yonebayashi. The animation was lush and gorgeous, but looked more like a series of French Impressionist paintings than the incredible detail for which Miyazaki is known. The garden scenes were just really beautiful. The story moved a little slowly for me, but it was more accessible than Miyazaki's usual fare, being fairly straight-forward and not mixing in elements of Japanese folklore and the like. The plot made sense and came to a logical conclusion, unlike some of Miyazaki's movies, which many times kind of fall apart for me at the end.

Unfortunately my legs started hurting and I kind of squiggled through the second half of the movie. It is just hard for me to sit still that long any more, and movie theater seats just seem to be designed for differently proportioned people. Fortunately Rhonda didn't notice, or at least was nice enough to say she didn't.

It was a very nice evening, a lovely end to the week, and it was good to spend some good time with Rhonda. It makes me happy to do little nice things for her.

A post in which I have boy night

I went to the doctor today for a check-in. After doing my blood work, they found that I was almost twice as thin as they wanted. They want me at a level 2. Last week I was at 2.1. This week I was at 3.6. The higher the number, the thinner your blood. I asked the doc if the thin blood was the reason I was feeling so crappy and tired, but he said no. I was skeptical. I'm thinking that basically being told my veins are full of red Kool Ade can't be making me feel more peppy. But my arm doesn't hurt.

Next week I'm to see the surgeon to talk about getting this stupid chemo port out, which is what's causing the clot problem. Then the following week I see the oncologist again to strategize about blood-thinners before and after surgery. In the meantime, with my blood as thin as it is, I'm thinking I can have a freakin' salad if I want.

I had planned to go to dinner tonight with Logan for some boy time. Russ and Billy are both very strong personalities, and I think it's important that he have someone he can talk to about the relationship outside of the relationship. I think everyone needs that, but particularly as young as Logan is I think it's important. But things seem to be going smoothly at the mo, and Logan asked if Billy could come with us. Of course I said yes.

I got to the house, and Billy and I had a little discussion about boy time (among other things) while Logan went out for a run. He's really into the exercise thing, and good for him. Wish I was.

After some discussion, we decided to go to El Patron for dinner. This was another place I had heard about from Eve. It's relatively new, I just hadn't been there yet. She and Dad had eaten there and really liked the food. She also said they had a lot of veggie selections, and they did have a fair share.

After having been talked out of ordering nachos last night, I decided to order them tonight. That was provided we could get our order taken. The woman who was seating was also our waitress, and seemed to be having a hard time keeping up with everything.

We did eventually get drinks and get our orders taken. We had ordered guacamole because a) it was gorgeous on the menu (there was a picture); and b) there was a guacamole cart sitting in the dining room that seemed to hint that the guac would be made table-side, fresh to order. Sadly, this was not the case. We had a small order of very average-looking guacamole delivered to the table. It was pretty good though.

It took a while to get our food, although it seemed like longer because it had taken so long to get our order taken. In the meantime, I had eaten 7.5pounds of chips and salsa, guacamole, and complimentary bean dip. (Unfortunately also, Billy spotted a cucaracha in the floor of the dining room - we decided to stay anyway. Most all restaurants have them.) By the time our food got there, I was pretty full. My nachos were good. The cheese sauce was good, although it was poured over fried flour tortillas. Kudos to them for making the chips there, but flour tortillas are less healthy and have less fiber than corn, plus they absorb more oil, so they were a bit cloying with as much as I had eaten already. My nachos also unfortunately suffered from a very strong raw onion dice that had been thrown over it. Still, it was hot, and tasty, and had it come a little faster I would probably have enjoyed it a lot more. I'm willing to go back and give it another shot. Billy and Logan seemed much more impressed with the food.

After supper we were all stuffed. We went back to the house. Poor Russ was still at work. He came in eventually after a rough day, and we watched a couple of episodes of Big Bang Theory on TiVo before I went home and turned in. I just love that show! I did reflect briefly on the fact that I no longer start watching new shows unless Russ and Billy basically force me. Not good. It makes me feel like and old fogey. "No new shows!"

A post in which two sets of great expectations are dashed

I went to get my teeth cleaned today. I had called them first because of all the blood thinners I'm on, but they said come anyway, and they would just be careful. Joanne, the woman who cleans my teeth, is a sweetheart. She treats me like a little bit of a pet. She was just as sweet as ever today. I gave her the bare bones of what chemo was like, and she clucked and fussed over me and generally made me feel cared for. She cleaned my teeth and complimented me on how well I'd been able to maintain my oral hygiene during treatment. It really wasn't anything particularly heroic on my part, I just have this compulsion about not being able to go to bed until I have brushed my teeth.

I was home in plenty of time for a quick tidy-up before Justin got to the house. It was good to see him. I had ordered a platter to go with BB's china, and he oo'd and ah'd appreciatively. I did get a super deal on it, and it's in great shape. Justin is the only person I know who can talk about dishes as much as I can and enjoy it.

After some discussion, we headed to Rosalinda's for supper. Now I had heard about this place recently from Eve, who had heard that it got rave reviews. It's a little tiny restaurant tucked just off the beaten path. I'd probably driven by it a thousand times since I lived here, but had never eaten there. After hearing how wonderful the food was, my expectations were high.

The place was scrupulously clean, and smelled good, although the decor was pretty much early Salvation Army. The woman who came out to wait on us was one of the co-owners, and she was very nice. She answered all my questions knowledgeably and cheerfully. They had a whole page of vegetarian selections, so I was pretty stoked. They also had a dish called Mexican Curry! Now these days I am all about all things curry, and had never heard of Mexican curry. I was optimistic, but cautious. After a consultation with out waitress, though, I was sold. I ordered it. Justin ordered a pollo fundido and a cheese dip. I was further encouraged when my tea came out. It had a hint of cinnamon in it, and was delicious, as was the cheese dip. They had made the chips there.

Then our food came out. It was some of the oddest Mexican food I have ever eaten. There were a lot of vegetables (which I was expecting, hello, it was vegetable curry), but hardly any sauce, not a lot of cheese, and almost no curry. I had maybe two bites of the meal in which I could taste curry. Justin's food looked almost identical to mine, except of course there was chicken in his. The food wasn't bad, it just didn't seem much like Mexican food. It was more like an under-spiced stir-fry. There was white rice with it, beautifully cooked, but unseasoned, and some re-fried black beans which were quite good. Nothing was bad. It was just. Odd. We compared notes, and really couldn't decide whether or not we were disappointed.

After the meal, I asked Justin if he had been to Yogurt Mountain. I've been hearing about the place for weeks. I had passed it a couple of times and just thought it was a frozen yogurt place, but dana (who is not given to exaggeration or drama) had talked about the place as if it was the end-product of civilization. I was intrigued. It turned out Justin hadn't been there either, so off we went.

Now I knew from dana that you basically just got a bowl, served yourself, and then paid for your dessert by weight. They did give us a couple of tasting cups each so we could try a flavor before we committed. I tasted a couple, and really at that point had had what I wanted, but I would have felt guilty just tasting and not getting anything. I opted for a small serving of 'original tart', the flavor that dana had been really over the moon about. I was pretty much underwhelmed. The sweet flavors that I had tried tasted very strongly of artificial flavor, to the point that I thought they tasted like room-deodorizing candles. Justin tried several flavors and seemed happy enough with his. He got too much (the smallest cup was really pretty big) and I ate some of his, but was pretty much unimpressed with all of it.

As we were leaving, I thought of my friend Billy. A group of four teen-age boys had come in, and I hadn't paid that much attention really, teen-age boys not being my particular predilection. As we walked out though, I walked through a positive cloud of pheromones that whacked me in the head like a 2x4. After locating the source, I thought wow, if Billy had been here he would have been pulled into that like a bug-zapper. That was really the most memorable thing about the trip to YM, although I did notice a guy I presumed was a veteran with a prosthetic leg eating some by himself. He was cute. I wanted to talk to him, but of course had no idea if he was gay, or why he was by himself. It just made me vaguely sad. I hope he was just stopping off on his way back to a home full of folks who love him.

A post in which I have dinner out with the 'rents

I try very hard to see my dad and Eve at least once a week. It's usually on Tuesdays. It started because my friend dana lives with her mother, whom she loves very much, but who can be a difficult person to get along with at times. I thought that if dana could live with her mom, I could see my dad once a week.

Things have gone pretty well. Since I see him more often, there isn't so much pressure on when I do see the two of them. I was really glad I started doing that before I was diagnosed, because he knows that I didn't start coming to see him just because I thought for a while that I might be dying. Cancer had a strange effect on our relationship. I think that it took Dad thinking he might lose me to put some things in perspective. We had a talk during treatment that I wish we'd had years before. We're closer than we have ever been in my life, and we have a greater appreciation for each other. I've heard things from my father over the last couple of months that I never thought I would hear. I have thanked God for letting us both live long enough to get to this point. I have friends whose fathers have died without resolving things between them. Getting to resolve things with my dad is a great blessing.

When I got to the house, Dad was still back in the bedroom. That worries me. There are a lot of times now when Dad just doesn't get up, which of course worries me. He usually rallies when I come over though, and I was glad that he was up and ready, and prepared to go to supper with us. If nothing else, it does him good to get out of the house for a bit.

We went to Carrabba's, a place that I wasn't too impressed with when it first opened, but since then I've developed quite a taste for their food. That Pasta Weesie they make is just gorgeously delicious, although of course it is packed with fat and calories. But then most good things are. But that's my dilemma with going to supper with my dad. Although I think it does him good to get out of the house, I know that his pretty disastrous food choices don't do him any good at all. His health isn't great already, so it's kind of an impossible choice. It really doesn't feel right for me to critique his dietary choices when a) I'm eating something just as bad usually; b) he's paying for dinner; and c) it feels mean to take the pleasure out of food when that's one of the few left to him. Plus when I say anything, it just pisses him off. And he is, after all, a grown 65-year-old man, right? So I take the path of least resistance, say nothing, and feel vaguely guilty about it later. Oy.

In other news, Logan confirmed for boy time Thursday night, so last night was my only night at home. I'm kind of conflicted about that too. On the one hand I love having stuff to do, and keeping on the go doesn't give me time to get broody, but on the other hand I wonder if I'm filling my life so full that there isn't room for a possible boyfriend, should one present himself. Since the field isn't exactly crawling with candidates at the mo, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Not to mention that I should get this port out and finish up this health crap before I try to start anything anyway, I guess.

After supper we went back to the house and visited for a while before I went on home. It is good to spend some time with them.

A post in which I eat hot dogs

I've been craving them incessantly, but when you want veggie dogs and veggie chili around here, you're pretty much making them yer damn self. So I did. And man was it good. Big fat dogs slathered with chili, slaw, onions, mustard, katsup, and mayo. I ran by the grocery store on the way home and picked up some chips and dip too. It was a pig out! Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself.

I started off the day with insomnia. I finally just got up around quarter to four. That did give me time to go to CVS though, when there weren't 5,000 people standing around idly waiting for prescriptions, or trying to get public assistance from Milan or somewhere to pay for their meds. Plus there weren't scary old people driving recklessly through the parking lot. I'll have to remember that for future insomniac episodes.

Work was work. I made good progress on my write-offs. It's a light month, so I wasn't overwhelmed.

Ran by the grocery store on the way home because I was out of katsup (which is a defcon-1 level emergency at my house) and some fruit. I'm finally back to eating pretty much the way I used to. Since I'm on Coumadin though, and not supposed to eat anything green, they are forbidden fruit and therefore twice as delicious. Maybe they should prescribe it as a placebo to get people to eat their greens....

Tonight is my last night home for a while. Tomorrow it's dinner out with Dad and Eve, and then Wednesday dinner with Justin. I told Logan last weekend, I'm a hot ticket now :) He better reserve his boy time if he wants it.

I got disgusted with my hair at work today, and decided I was going to shave it all off again, but when I got home I changed my mind and decided it didn't look as bad as I thought. That fluorescent light in the bathrooms at work, coupled with the prison gray color scheme, would pretty much make Brad Pitt look like Ernest Borgnine.

A post in which it is a drippy Sunday*

But still a nice day. I slept in, then got up and had coffee and made a rich brekkie. A friend came by to see me for a while.

I spent the day washing bed-clothes and doing a bit of cooking. The sheets had to be changed, and I had to wash the mattress pad. You know how you just have to tear the bed down and do all that stuff every now and then. I made some chili for hot dogs this week. I've been craving hot dogs, and of course if you want veggie dogs and veggie chili around here, you pretty much have to make it yourself.

When I got through, the pills I'm taking had made my stomach kinda yucky, so I had a lie down and drowsed for a while. I woke up and chatted online until I realized that I was running out of time. I shifted things into gear and got ready to go.

There was a bear dinner at Lieu's Chinese Bistro tonight. Russ and Billy (and my parents) are just crazy about that place but it's just OK to me, and I think the food is a bit pricey. But I have found a couple of things I like, and I wanted to see the guys. The food at a bear dinner is kind of a secondary consideration for me.

Russ, Billy, and Logan were back in time to go to the dinner tonight, but I didn't get there in time to sit with them. I sat with other friends though, and got to see Vince and Rodney, who of my favorites. Plus our friend Don is in Hawaii (yeah, we hate him) so I got to watch his conspicuously gorgeous kinda boyfriend Adam tonight. He's a really nice guy. I hate that Don is seeing him, because if he wasn't...

The bear dinner was fun, and it was good to see the guys, but Russ, Billy, and Logan were too tired to visit at the house tonight, so when it was over, I went on home, made my bed, and got into it. The work week starts all over tomorrow...

A post in which I attend a birthday party*

I slept in. I had a bit of a hang-over from being out late last night, but it was fine.

I had arranged to see a guy I used to date about four years ago today and he came over for a while. He had moved out of state to give things with his ex another try. Since they hadn't worked out, he is back here. He's not a bad looking guy, but no beard, which is kind of a must-have for me. Plus, he had gained 72 pounds when he moved back with his ex. That's half a person. That's like being pregnant with a 7-year-old child. I guess it makes me superficial, but I just couldn't find myself as excited about seeing him again. He is a nice guy though.

After he left I started working. I had the groceries to make lunches for the week, and made a big pot of smother-fried garlic vegetables for lunches next week. Yum. I did some laundry and futzed around the house feeling very organized and prudent.

I also started trying to get in touch with Rick, my date for the party tonight. I sent a text and left a message on his voicemail. Crickets. Again. I decided he might still be asleep (he works third shift), and so just went about the business of getting ready. After an hour or so, I decided to try him again. I sent another text.

About a half hour before he was supposed to be at the house, he called to cancel. He pled a health emergency, but his excuse was so over-the-top gross and detailed that frankly my lie detector went off. I broke the social construct and just told him that if he wasn't interested to please tell me. He says he does want to see me again, all appearances to the contrary. After two weeks of this, I'm pretty much done chasing him. He's cute, seemed nice, and I'd like to see him again; but I'm not gonna beg the guy.

That resolved, I headed for Spartanburg. It was James's birthday dinner. I love James and Jeff to distraction, but they have such a huge entourage now that it's hard to get any face time with them. Tonight really proved no exception. There were at least 20 people invited to the dinner. I got there early enough to at least sit at the table near them (and next to Amanda and across from Justin, two of my favorite people), but between my voice, and the very over-crowded and noisy restaurant, it was pretty hard to hold any conversation. Added to this, I got things off to a lovely start by dumping a half-gallon of ginger ale into Justin's lap. Sigh.

There were two parties scheduled at the same time, so we had a hetero hoe-down, complete with kids, going on behind us. We did get some appetizers, but after that the kitchen locked down under the strain. We had been there over an hour when our food started coming out. We were going to the house afterwards, but some people weren't going, etc. We ended up being in the restaurant for about two and a half hours total. I was ready to pull my hair (what little there is of it) out.

When we got back to the house though, things improved. There was more room. You could actually hear low thunder. Plus I had eaten, and my blood sugar was better, so I felt better.

Justin and I had agreed to exchange our Christmas presents tonight because we hadn't seen each other since before Christmas. He seemed to really like his, and he really hit it out of the park with his gift to me. He gave me a Floral divided relish that I had coveted for lo these many years in his collection.

Floral handled 2-part relish dish in green, by Jeannette Glass, circa 1931-1935

The rest of the evening passed very pleasantly as we visited, caught up, and just enjoyed each other's company. I got home very late, but it was very worth it. Love those guys.

A post in which it was a good Friday

Aside from the work day being 8.5 thousand years long. This day just seemed endless.

When it finally drew to a close, however, I decided I wanted to do something fun tonight. Russ, Billy, and Logan are out of town. Rhonda turned me down for the movies tonight - get this - on the excuse of a headache. That kind of made me feel like a straight guy. I called Justin, but he had made plans already. With his ex. Yeah I was feeling really important. A lot of time of Friday nights I go to see Miss Kat and dana, but dana had called me earlier in the week to specifically ask if I wanted to do breakfast/brunch with them over the weekend, so I figured that they had other plans tonight.

The one thing that I knew I wanted was ficken tenders. There's a new (around here) brand called Gardein that started making them and they're really good. But I couldn't remember if I had any in the freezer or not.

I stopped to get some (and of course an almond croissant) and while I was checking out dana called. She invited me over, and I was tickled to go. We ordered in pizza and had a good visit. It was a very nice evening.

A post in which I buy groceries

Ok, I always enjoy going to the grocery store. I'll admit it. Even when I wasn't eating that much during treatment, sometimes I would just go in the store and wander around for a bit to visit with the food before I bought the few things I needed.

It feels odd to not have enough in the house to eat on, after having to freeze things and make sure the fridge was cleaned out for the last six months. This week caught me flat-footed with nothing much in the house for supper though. So I decided to stop on the way home and lay in supplies for next week.

I got things to make garlic smother-fried vegetables to take for lunch, and the fixins for hot dogs for supper. I've been craving them, but haven't been able to eat them. I also stocked up on some staples. That will mean if I don't have time to go to the store this weekend (it's a busy one) I'll still have things to eat. It's odd how much doing such small, normal things gives me such a sense of satisfaction.

I got almost home, and realized that I hadn't bought the one thing I actually stopped to get - some cheese for sandwiches that I'm taking for lunch this week. So I just stopped at another store. I got so excited about buying groceries that I forgot what I went for.

When I got home I wrestled it all inside as the next-door neighbor's dogs barked in vociferous joy. I am SO tired of listening to her ()*&(*%%#$!! dogs bark. Incessantly. I've talked to Dad about it, and he told me that the one time he complained to a neighbor about a barking dog, he wished that he hadn't. When my dad advises caution, I listen. He's not usually a cautious kinda guy.

Once I got in the house though, I barely noticed them. It just gets tiresome coming home to that every day. And every weekend.

In other, better news, Lisa sent me a new picture tonight of my darlin baby princess niece Ava playing dress-up:



Lord, if I was that cute I could rule the world.

A post in which it is a quiet night

It was a slow day at work.

On the way home, I decided to run in Whole Foods. My friend Vince works there and it's always good to see him, plus I needed some kombu. I'm also officially addicted to their almond croissants, which are heavenly. Vince wasn't working, but there is another guy there I know that I like. I saw and talked to him for a few minutes. And we flirted. It seems like such a minor thing, but it was so validating to be doing something so normal and pleasurable, and to have him respond.

I went home in a fantastic mood. Yay me. :)

A post in which I enjoy a celebratory meal

It was actually a good day all the way around.

I started the day by getting in touch with Rick. He's going to James's birthday party with me this weekend. So I have an actual date (!!) which is really nice. It's been a long time. I am pretty excited. My happiness is tempered only with the unpleasant news I have to share about the port complications and other things. I'm wondering how long I should wait before I expose all. That's always a poser for me.

I had good news at the doc today. He told me that a) my blood was finally thin enough (thank goodness, I thought I was going to have to purchase a large glass or something to carry my body around in); b) that he was taking me off the Lovenox injections for now; and c) that I didn't have to come in again until next week. Excellent.

I finished up the day at work and headed to Dad and Eve's house. Dad was taking me out for a celebration of the end of chemo. Since it tickles him to death to see me eat a piece of meat, and since I love them so much, I asked to go out for hot wings. I love buffalo wings the way a fat boy loves cake. Seriously. I just don't allow myself to indulge very often. We went to Quaker State Steak & Lube, in part because I went there years ago with some bears and they had the best barbecue sauce I have ever eaten. Unfortunately, they have discontinued that flavor (isn't that always the way it goes?). Still, it was all-you-can-eat wings night, and we proceeded to eat all we could eat.

Every time I eat chicken I see the chicken truck the next day, but I had already seen it Saturday night on my way home. I was thinking I was past the mojo, but no. Our waitress (at freakin' Quaker State mind you) was a vegetarian. During the course of taking our order, she found out that I usually am, and that I was falling off the wagon. So a fellow believer watched me sell out my convictions for buffalo wings. I decided to disregard it and ate them anyway.

Despite the bewildering array of sauces on offer, none were as good as the sauce I'd had on my prior visit (when I had buffalo shrimp). But since I love them so much I ate about 5,000 or so wings. Still, in future when the urge hits I'll be going to Sonny's in Powdersville. I think theirs are better.

After eating until we couldn't move, we adj0urned to the house for a visit before I headed home.

Usually, Valentine's Day gets me down. It's a reminder that I'm still single. But I don't feel so alone any more. Everyone has rallied round so well during treatment that it feels ungrateful and unnecessary to have a 'poor little me' party. I sent Valentines to Rhonda, Lisa, and Ava, and enjoyed that they would get a pleasant surprise. So the old VD didn't bother me so badly this year. Maybe my perspective has changed on what's really important. I sure hope so.

It was a nice evening.

A post in which it is a tale of two Richards

When I started this post, I didn't think that I was using the title as a clever euphemism, but on second thought maybe I kind of am. There's a male strip club in Atlanta called Swinging Richards, and although I really have never cared for strippers, I've always thought the name was most clever.

But first.

I started the day off by putting on a pot of beans for soup. I LOVE my crock pot. I bought it years and years ago when I first moved out, and paid what was at the time a lot of money for me (I was poor). But I've never regretted it - it is a wonderful appliance.

I have a great recipe for twice-cooked Tuscan bread soup, but it takes three days to make. The base of it is delicious though, so sometimes I just make the base and eat that, which is what I did today. It's white beans (the recipe calls for white kidney beans, or Cannellini beans if you're Italian, but it works fine with Great Northern Beans, which you can get at BiLo), fresh sage, cracked black pepper, fresh crushed garlic cloves, and virgin olive oil. It doesn't sound like much, but it turns out really delicious. There is a bunch of stuff you add to the base after you puree it, but I don't always have time to do all that, and there is stuff in the full recipe I'm not supposed to eat at the mo (like black kale).

With the crock pot loaded, I went off to work and caught up on some things today. It was pretty quiet.

When I gave myself my Lovenox shot today, blood came running out of the tiny beeny hole afterwards, so I'm thinking that surely my blood is thin enough now. I'll find out tomorrow.

I drove straight home to see to my beans because I was afraid they would scorch, but I needn't have worried. I had set the crock pot too low and they weren't done. So I turned the crock pot up and two hours later, boom - done. I pureed the soup, packaged it up, and put some in the freezer. So I made up for goofing off Sunday morning and felt very responsible and practical.

In other news, I was fooling around online tonight when I ran across another guy named Richard. He is a cutie. We saw each other about four years ago, and just when I started to like him he told me he was moving back to Pennsylvania to go back to his ex. At the time, I was rather put out about it. Well he's back now, he has fond memories of me, and he would like to get together.

The other Richard (I'm calling him Rick because my Dad's name is Richard, and it's just too Freudian for words). Is the guy that I liked two weeks ago, who went out of town this past weekend. I suspect I may be more into him than he is to me, but it's hard to tell. When I hear from him he sounds positive and glad to hear from me, but there are large chunks of time when he's incommunicado. Hard to tell if that's because of his job (he works third shift), because of lukewarm interest, or just because he's being a man.

So it's confusing. I suppose it isn't really good of me to see them both at once, but at the same time, I've been out with Rick one time, so it isn't like we're exclusive or anything. Dating can be so complicated.

But at the moment, I have two Richards. Well, two in the bush anyway. Not to objectify either of them.

A post in which we go to Columbia

Tuesday, February 7 is Cole's birthday. Although I had spoken to him on the day, what with the squinky arm and all I didn't get a card in the mail. I had heard from Lisa that we were tentatively scheduling a birthday lunch for today. When I talked to Eve yesterday, she said they planned to leave at about 10am. I accordingly set my alarm, got up, had breakfast and my pills, and got ready.

Then I found the texts from Eve from the night before that first everything had been up in the air again (both Lisa and Cole suffer from a real problem with scheduling), and then that the time had changed. We were having an early supper, and weren't leaving until 2:30pm.

Now there was a golden opportunity to make lunches for next week, or at least go to the grocery store, both of which needed to be done. Unfortunately I ended up squandering that time fooling around online. It happens.

We drove down and met Lisa, Cole, and Ava at a Japanese restaurant (huzzah!). Lisa looked great. Cole, bless his heart, has inherited the skin and acne problems prevalent in my mother's family (as did I). He's going to be a good looking boy when he grows out of it, but his face is pretty torn up at the mo. But he seemed happy to see us, and I was silently thankful for his evolving tastes. The meal today made up for spending his first birthday party at Chuck E Cheese being entertained by frightening animatronic animals that disconcertingly looked as if they slumped dead on the stage between shows.

We enjoyed a pleasant meal, and Ava seemed blessedly pretty normal after spending the weekend with her dad. She's been strangely subdued after her visits, and we've been worried. Maybe there is nothing bad wrong there and she's adjusting.

Today, she was climbing around like a monkey as usual, but suddenly stopped and said, "Uncle Steve!! You're fuzzy!" Then she started petting my head, chanting "Fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy!" Not only was it preciously cute, it emphasized that yes, blessedly, my hair and my beard are making appearances of trying to grow back out! I've really missed them. I'm also looking forward to having eyebrows and pubic hair again. I'm just sayin.

By the time we drove back home (Dad drove, in deference to my arm and the long ride) I was pretty tired, but I still had errands to run before I could go to bed. I stopped at two stores on my way home, ran to the post office, and then improvised something to take for lunch next week before I turned in.

A post in which I visit Russ, Billy, and Logan

Three of my favorite people in the whole wide world.

First though, I had to catch up on the 7,000 errands I had been to incapacitated to do the weekend before. I put together a list in my head and eventually started running errands. Although my arm hurt, and it was butt-ass cold, I did eventually manage to get it all done.

Encouragingly, I heard from Rick today. It was just to tell me that he was going out of town for the weekend, but the tone of his messages was encouraging, and hopefully I'll get to see him again. I'd like to.

Among the errands today was to go pick up my syringes of Lovenox and give myself my first solo injection, which I am happy to say went off without a hitch. The needles you use are really tiny and you barely feel them (they're like insulin needes), but you never know.

Afterwards, with cold-aching hands, I drove to the boys' house. We went out to dinner at a Thai Place I didn't remember even going to it had been so long. Kannikas Thai Kitchen is right on Haywood Road. Apparently the guys eat there more often than I do. I had favored a place here called Thai Sky before they went out of business. Royal Thai on Mauldin Road has great food, but the owner is such a jerk I hate going in there.

For some reason I apparently have an unquenchable yen for curry at the moment, so I elected for a Thai curry. They are pretty hot usually, but after talking to the waiter I ordered mine medium. I like spice, but don't want to cry at the table. The curry was delicious, but it was really, really hot. I wanted to eat it, but in the end I just had to give up. Everyone else seemed tickled with their food. I'll got there again, but I know to order mild next time. Live and learn.

Afterwards we went back to the house and I visited for a while. I talked to Russ, Billy, and Logan about that they had done for me during treatment. I had intended to do this Thursday when I took them to their Thank You dinner, but one thing led to another and I forgot what I had intended to say. When I went to their house, it was like they were tossing me little nuggets of blessed normalcy. I was desperate for that since I felt like my whole world was going crazy. Those little nuggets of my real life were like the pebbles Hansel followed home in the story. They led me through some pretty dark forest.

Except for my insanely hot curry it was a nice evening. It's always good to get some boy time in.

A post in which I'm out on the town with my best girl

I saw the doc today. I had managed to get most of my frustration under control by then, but I was still pretty flusterpated. Eve went with me to get the details. I was told that my blood was not yet thin enough, and that the daily injections would have to continue. But they agreed to give me the stuff and let me do the injections myself so that I didn't have to do the co-pay every day. He increased my dosage of oral thinners also.

So I went through 'giving yourself a shot' class with Fran, the injection nurse, who has been super nice to me. She was very patient and assured me that she didn't think I would have any problems.

I should be able to have the port out in about a month, barring complications, and I have another 3-4 months of blood thinners ahead of me. I'm thinking that once I get this port out, I'm not going to have any more problems, but taking an extra pill (or three) a day for a while is relatively small potatoes, although there are side effects and complications with blood thinners also, of course. Dad has been on Coumadin for years though, and many people are on it leading basically normal lives. Compared to chemotherapy, it's a freakin cake walk, I'll just tell you.

I called Rhonda from the doc's, and by the time I got over there I was feeling better.

We visited for a while, and checked the web for Vitamin-K rich foods (which are contra-indicated when you're on blood thinners). After being blown away by the sheer scope of foods I"m supposed to avoid, we decided to go to supper.

Tonight I took her to Saffron. I've rhapsodized about Saffron before, but after the last bear dinner a couple of weeks ago I had been pretty impatient to go back. The last time I went I was still afraid to eat spicy food, and I had to order my curry so bland that I was a bit disappointed. Not so tonight. My tummy is back at full strength, and I was able to order my food the way I wanted. I also ordered a sampling of their fantastic appetizers, and finished the meal off with the gulab jamun for dessert. They make the best galub jamun I have ever eaten. They are phenomenal.

Since Rhonda is a light eater, I ate most everything on the table. It was a huge meal, but one that we both enjoyed immensely. After we ate, Rhonda obligingly rolled me out to the car. We went back to her place and visited for a while before I went home and turned in. A capital Friday evening :)

A post in which I go to dinner

I heard from Eve today. She and Dad are back from New Orleans. They got in last night. I told her about my arm and what's been going on. I purposely hadn't told them while they were out of town because I was afraid that Dad would kill them or get a ticket or something trying to get home. Had they been here there wouldn't have been a thing they could do anyway. She didn't fuss at me, which I had expected.

After my shot today, I went by to see Dad for a minute at the house. He seemed in pretty good spirits, all things considered, and I left feeling better.

After several days of pain and difficulty I made my bed for the first time this week today. I felt encouraged.

I had planned to take Russ, Billy, and Logan out to dinner tonight to celebrate my first alternate Thursday with no chemo since last August (!!). I had considered calling off the dinner earlier in the week because I really didn't feel like celebrating. Also, I got some bad news today. One of the nurses let it slip that the daily shots aren't over tomorrow, as I had thought. That bothers me for two reasons.

First, it's a $25 co-pay every time I go over there. Since I've been over every day this week, that's $125 for the week. I can't afford that every week. For four weeks that's $500. That's more than my house payment. (I have a small house.)

Second and perhaps more importantly, that means this is just going to go on and on. I thought this was over when chemo was finished. It is SO discouraging to be going to the Cancer Center every day. And now this is just going to drag out and out. I felt very discouraged and frustrated, and frankly not a bit like celebrating.

Another source of frustration this week has been that the new guy, Rick, is not responding to me. I've sent texts and emails, and messages through Bear411, but crickets. So he's acting like a man. Dammit.

But Russ remembered that we had plans tonight, and I decided to suck it up and go on and do it. They've been wonderful through all of this, and I have a lot of thank you's still to do. Best to get one knocked down.

But the blows for the day weren't over. I got to the house and kind of unloaded on Billy and Logan. I am just so frustrated with this complication - I want my life back! Then Billy lowered the boom. Our favorite sushi place, our beloved Miyako, has closed. Well more precisely has merged with a place called Irashiai. Now back in the day, Irashiai was da bomb. It was the best sushi place in Greenville. But they changed locations, and things kind of went downhill a bit, and then the food wasn't as good, and finally I just quit going.

After some discussion. we decided to give Irashiai another chance. When we went in, we saw one of our favorite waitresses in the new place. She came over and spoke to us. She then sent the old Miyako manager over to speak to us. She in turn sent over the Irashiai manager to introduce herself. I have to say, we were feeling like valued customers. I felt like a visiting diplomat or something. But Miyako was really kind of a hang-out for us, and they seemed to understand that. The food we had was good. The Mussels Yaki were as good as I remembered. Some things we had were better than others. But we all agreed we would go back. Sadly, some of my favorite rolls may be gone forever. One may not make it onto the new menu (we were told that they were going to add some of the Miyako dishes), and one they were serving as a special that day, but it didn't taste the same. It was good, but not the same.

But we had a good meal, and I thanked them. Plus I felt better about the new complications, so it was a win/win I think.

A post in which I see the doc

By the time I got through my morning routine and to work I was hurting so badly that I really didn't feel like working on anything. Fortunately my desk is fairly clear right now.

I waited for a call from the Cancer Center. I had been assured that they would call me first thing this morning to schedule an appointment with the doc. I finally called them, only to be told that they most likely would not be informed of anything that happened over the weekend, and that I would have to leave yet another message, which I did.

They did call me back fairly quickly, and I got in to see the doctor. He scheduled me for another sonogram immediately, and got me an injection of blood thinners. He also told me that he thought the same thing that I did, but that the swelling under my arm worried him. If that was a swollen lymph node, that would be a 'bad sign'. I was scared and called Rhonda to go with me to the second sonogram.

The woman that did it basically told me that a) I do have a blood clot; and b) that she really couldn't believe they didn't find it this weekend.

So the blood thinner injections continue, and I have another meeting with the doc on Friday to see if my blood is thin enough, and where we go from here. The pain is supposed to be gone in a couple of days. Lovely.

A post in which my arm hurts

I got basically nothing done today. It was all I could do to get the sheets changed because my arm was hurthing so badly. I called the Cancer Center and begged the nurse practitioner on duty to do something, but she told me they couldn't give me any blood thinners (the treatment for a clot) until the doctor had seen me. I was very frustrated.

In the end, I wasted most of the day. I finally decided that I had to get up and get cleaned up, and that I could lay around at Russ and Billy's house and be pitiful as well as I could lay around my house.

After a very painful shower I headed their way. We ordered in Chinese food and I had some gorgeous curry shrimp. I'm so glad my tummy is back. I've eaten so much bland food I really have no time set to eat anything bland - like ever again. We watched some telly and I headed home. It was a nice enough evening all things considered.

A post in which complications arise*

I was thrilled to be out of treatment and had a lovely weekend planned. I talked to a new guy on Bear411 this morning and he sounded nice. We ended up meeting. Rick was nice looking, seemed just as personable in person, and things went well. I am encouraged.

Unfortunately as the day went on my left arm began to *twinge*. "That's odd," I thought. "if I were having a heart attack I think it would hurt worse than this." I went on with my day and ate some lunch. I started to get clothes together for the Ballet Trockadero tonight. But my arm started hurting, and then I noticed it was swollen.

It just so happened that a co-worker whose husband had been through chemotherapy two years ago had the extact same problem - which she had just told me about on Friday. I suspected I had a blood clot in the arm from the port. I called the Cancer Center and they told me to to go to the emergency room for a sonogram. Oy. The emergency room on a Saturday afternoon. I knew it would be a zoo. Also, Gaslight had just come on TCM and I wanted to see it. Why is it that they never put good stuff on TCM on the weekend unless there is no way I can watch?

Anyway. I signed resignedly and packed a bag to take with me in case they admitted me. I know how dangerous a blood clot can be, and I knew this had to be seen to.

The emergency room was of course full. I was there for four and a half freakin hours. I was on a bed in the hall for a while, but fortunately a woman one of the ER cubbies stopped pooping in it and they were able to move me in. Yeah. It smelled worse than the elephant tent at the circus, but at that point I was two and a half hours in and encouraged with any sign of treatment or progress. I missed dinner out with Billy, Russ, Logan, and some friends from Atlanta whom I really wanted to see. I missed the ballet and had to call and cancel.

I finally called Rhonda to see if she was free for dinner. It was looking as if they weren't going to admit me and I was starving. She got there about the time they finished with me.

I was told that I do not have a blood clot (after getting the sonogram from a very nice woman). They did blood work and told me that I didn't have an infection. These are the two most common problems with a port. When I asked why my arm was swollen and purple I was told that the emergency room checked for 'emergent factors' and that I didn't have those. I was instructed to get with my doctor on Monday. If the pain became 'excruciating' I was to come back, but when I asked what they would do that they weren't doing now I really didn't get an answer. Grr.

I was pretty frustrated, but at that point I had been still long enough that my arm wasn't hurting much and I was hungry. It was obvious they weren't going to do anything more.

We left and headed downtown, where Rhonda made an illegal u-turn. Right in front of a cop. Yeah. He pulled us over and checked her license, but nicely let us go with a warning when he realized we weren't drunk or anything. We proceeded to dinner at the wonderful Liberty Taproom, where I had some deliciously spicy buffalo shrimp, a nice salad, and a side of their gorgeous blue cheese cole slaw, which is one of the many reasons I'm glad to still be alive.

After a nice meal we went back to my place to visit and talk for a while. I really love spending time with Rhonda. It was a nice end to a frustrating day. I hate that I had to miss out on all the fun stuff I had planned, but sometimes you just get thrown a monkey-wrench.

A post in which there is a meeting in the ladies room

Well not quite. But close enough.

I had a call from our Matriarch today, and she pretty much smacked my nose for sending the email I did yesterday. I did know that there would be resistance, but they way I was reprimanded was particularly painful for me.

She told me I wounded her. That my email knocked her down. When I apologized for disappointing her, she corrected me "I wouldn't say you disappointed me. I would say you wounded me." Being our Lady, she was of course gentle, but it put me in a very bad place. One of the things I had a really hard time with during the breakup from my ex was that he had told me that I was insensitive. He told me that I hurt my friends' feelings frequently without realizing it. That was pretty hard for me to deal with. I had finally kind of started to come out from under that pronouncement, but the conversation I had today put me back there. For a bit.

I went to lunch, took a step back for perspective, and thought for a bit. I tried to think if there was any way I could make up for what I had done. I decided all I could do was send an apology, and when I got back I did so. I also realized that I don't think Lady Beth realized how saying what she did would strike such a tender place, and so I was probably overreacting. I decided I needed to lay that down.

Russ invited me to the shop tonight. Miss Kat and dana were going to be there, but when I got there there were a bunch of people there. That worked out perfectly. By the time I got there, I had mostly worked through my chagrin from earlier in the day. Before I went back to the shop I nipped home and wrapped Rhonda's thank you present. I knew she was going to be there, and after the day I'd had I needed to do something nice to make myself feel better. The timing of the gift was a little bit selfish, but she seemed to really love the present.

Rhonda collects little porcelain hinged boxes. Among such collectors, the Limoges Box is highly prized. She had told me at Christmas that although she still collected boxes, she had given up on ever owning a real Limoges Box. I knew little to nothing about them, but it seemed like relatively small dream to be able to make come true. After doing the reading and looking at literally hundreds of boxes online, I ordered her one. I had also bought her a pair of amethyst earrings, after finding out that she preferred them to diamonds. So I added the earrings to thetrinkets that came with the box.

I love to give Rhonda gifts. She loves getting them so much, and I got a really big reaction tonight that was most gratifying, and purged most of the sting from earlier.

We went on to have pizza and a lively round table discussion about some concerns we all have with the family before an emailed moratorium from our Lady abruptly ended the discussion. We're to have a gatherin' o' the clan on March 4 to hash some things out.
In the meantime, I went home and to bed. It's been a rough day.