Settling back in, still turning things over

I emailed back and forth with Joshua a bit today. I also ordered two books on puppy play. I had been meaning to order one of them for a while, and had just never gotten around to it. The other one was a sequel to that one. I don't know that I'm going to go out looking for a pup, but if a hot puppy boy ends up in my lap (this was my second possible close encounter with that possibility) I'd like to know a bit more than how to play fetch. I'd also like to know a little about what makes him tick.

When I got in from work, Miss Kat called. I shouldn't be surprised. I had been planning to go see her this week, and talk through some of the stuff that's been bouncing around in my head. We have some kind of connection that always makes her aware of when she's on my mind. Her spidey-sense, as usual, was infallible.

We discussed some of my thinking, and she related as best she could regarding switch mindset, considering she really doesn't have a switch bone in her body.

We also talked about my thinking about the possibility that "pure" service is somehow a higher calling. She reiterated to me, as has Lady Beth, that this is firmly rooted in sexuality, or at least in a primal place that is an essential part of defining who you are. While actual sex may not be a part of every scene, every scene has it's roots in sex.

I'm wondering now if I am looking for something more than sex, or nobler than sex, because sex has been somewhat cheapened for me lately. Sure I like the guys I have sex with, but there isn't really a meaningful commitment for more than that. Getting laid has almost become something on the chore list, like going to the grocery store. I may enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I'm generally relieved after it's over that I don't have to worry about it for a while. The itch is scratched, however temporarily.

After two hours of admirable patience from Miss Kat, I really wasn't much closer to sorting things out. But it was really good to have her to talk to about it. She says it will be interesting to see me "watch myself" through this. I notoriously do not trust my own analysis of things, because I know how good I am at rationalizing what I want to do, or what makes me comfortable, as what I should do. I'm just trying to go back to looking at it as a journey, and that I should enjoy it as such. It will be interesting to see where I end up.