Too pooped to party*

Russ was going to the Anderson Jockey Lot this morning, and came by to pick me up. He gets me coffee on the way over, which is nice. It's kind of like our little tradition now and I always appreciate it. He had to go down to set up logos and graphics for the new shop, but of course while we were down there we were going to look around. Still no glass. Just as well. I did pick up a few odds and ends I needed for the house. It's always fun to go and just boy-watch if nothing else. There were some good looking men down there! As usual. And we really appreciated them.

By the time we got back, it was about 1pm, and they were due at a birthday party at 3:30. They had finagled me an invitation, but the closer it got to time to go, the less I felt like going. I don't know why. I was just dreading this party. And I hadn't really been invited anyway. So, since I really didn't want to go, I bailed on it and stayed home. This kind of reminded me of last weekend, when I was at the event and just didn't feel sociable. I just didn't feel like I could face it.

Part of it, I'm sure, was being out so late the last two nights, and then being up early both mornings. Plus, the party was in Fountain Inn, and that's a quarter tank of gas to get out there and back. I can't decide if this is depression, or just part of the changes that have been going on for the last year or so. I just don't feel as social as I used to. I'm getting used to being by myself again. It worries me that I think I'm liking it too much.

I have a bunch of stuff I have been putting off doing, and it will all need to get done tomorrow now, since I was worthless all day again today. I just made a pizza for dinner, messed about on the computer, and went to bed early.

I am kind of hung over, I guess

I called dana this morning to go over to White Horse Road flea market, since she said she wanted to go. I didn't find a bit of glass, but we found all kinds of cool old bottles for dana to look at. I had no idea such valuable things were on offer at White Horse Road. We found two old brown coke bottles that are apparently worth $120 each, and a Civil War era whiskey ration bottle that was priced at $150. Another find was a #13 Ball jar, complete with a perfect glass lid, that I think was also priced at $150. Apparently the bootleggers would break all the #13s out of the numbered sets for fear of bad luck, so the #13 jars are very rare and expensive. It was quite an education for me.

It's just as well I didn't find any glass, since I continue to be incredibly broke. I just picked up some produce and some groceries to cook next week.

***

When I got home, I had a headache, and all I really felt like doing was laying around. I slept some, since I was up so late last night, but really didn't feel like doing much when I woke up. I was just plain puny.

I did manage to stir myself to change the sheets and do a few little things around the house, but for the most part, I was worthless.

Billy did call though, to invite me to go to dinner with him and Russ in Spartanburg, at the fabulous Thai Taste, and I was happy to go. I love that place. Plus I was needing some Russ and Billy time. I did't get to see much of them last weekend. Of course we re-hashed last weekend on the way up there, and caught up on gossip during the meal.

By the time we got back to their place, we were just ready to chill out, which was just what I wanted to do, and just what we did. We had a really good visit and talk. After a while, James came out (he had been in his room when we got home) and talked for a while. Bless his heart, he has had a very rough week. He and Ben broke up. I really feel for him, but there isn't much you can do except listen. On top of it all, he's having some health issues, and really didn't feel well tonight. I felt so protective of him, and tender for him. We put him to bed, and I just wanted to crawl in after him and hold him. I was just awash with all that caring that I have had on hold for months. But of course, I'm not the person James wants to look after him. So I packed it all back in and went home.

Invited to Miss Kat's*

Today was pretty much close to a red-letter day, for a work day.

I heard from Mitch! I was so excited. Unfortunately, his father had a heart attack after the time we met, and that's why I haven't heard from him. He invited me to lunch today, but I couldn't go. Also unfortunately, he is at the beach this coming long weekend. I had really hoped I would get to see him again, but it was not to be. Hopefully he will call me next week. He says with his dad his schedule is crazy, which I can understand, but I'm hoping things will settle down a bit and we'll be able to go out. Or stay in. Or something.

Miss Kat called me as I was leaving work, and said that dana was upset that she missed me this week. I of course couldn't let dana feel neglected, and went over to visit tonight. We had a lot to talk about, what with Sarah Palin being added to the Republican ticket today and all.

Miss Kat and dana are both fiscal (and somewhat social) conservatives, and because of that have a tendency to vote Republican, even if they don't identify as such. I, of course, am a big ole bleeding heart liberal Democrat, but it takes less to be identified as such in SC. Since I don't agree that all the queers should be lined up against a wall and shot, I am a liberal here. I have taken political position tests though, that show that in saner areas of the country, I am kind of a moderate. At any rate, I enjoy having the occasional evening of discussion on the issues with Miss Kat and dana. Tonight's discussion was interesting, since I was arguing a pro-choice position against two women who are anti-abortion. Miss Kat did say she believes in the right to choose in theory, but that she herself could never avail herself of that choice.

That came up because I believe that McCain's gambit to draw dissatisfied Hillary Clinton supporters to his camp with the addition of Palin to the ticket is going to fail. This because feminist Democrats are pretty avidly pro-choice as a whole, and Palin is avidly anti-abortion. I can't attack her bona fides on the issue - the fact that she knowingly carried a Down's Syndrome baby to term shows unassailedly that she walks the walk. I just think that any boost to the ticket will come from previously un-excited evangelical women, rather than ex-Hillary voters crossing the line. I also wonder how much of the core constituency is going to be turned off by a woman on the ticket. The polls will be interesting. If anything substantive comes out of the ethics investigation in Alaska though, they are screwed. They just can't afford a whiff of scandal on the ticket after all the stuff that has come to light in the last couple of years.

Anyway, we eventually changed the subject to less controversial issues, and just enjoyed each other's company, drank tea, smoked, and consumed an entire pan of delectable oatmeal cookie bars.

It was a lovely evening.

Out with the bears

I continue to have strange dreams this week. I guess I am catching up on my REM sleep from this past weekend. Last night, I was eating dinner in a restaurant with Divine and one other friend. When the waiter came over, he was really hot, so I started doing stuff to him. Divine ended up eating him - literally - and we all ended up going to trial for it. For some reason, we all wore full-length black eyelash lame` gowns with trim of cheap, bright red feathers to the trial. During the recess for lunch, Divine's got torn, so she just ripped it off. Of course she was naked underneath. In a sign of solidarity, we all ripped our gowns off and were running across the square towards the court-house naked when I woke up. Weird. Do other people dream about cannibalistic dead drag queens? I've never met any. And the stuff I dream about is never in the dream dictionary either.

***

I went to get my hair cut tonight after work. There were a couple of other bear guys stacked up at the shop. I finally got David's recipe for the Best Artichoke Dip I have Ever Tasted!! I was really stoked about that. I would make some this weekend, but a) I'm broke and b) I just ate 15 pounds of cheese in queso dip last week. I should probably give my system a bit of a break and eat a vegetable.

The cafeteria will be closed all week next week at work, and I'm debating between making more of that fabulous pasta salad, or continuing to take subs. I've had a craving for the old Red Barn subs I used to get when they were open, and I've been making them lately.

Dinner out was nice, as always. We went to Capri's. I just love that place. Since I've been in such a pizza mood lately, I didn't get my usual spaghetti. Plus, honestly, this pizza probably had less cheese on it than the bakes spaghetti does, plus it had some veggies. I was impressed that they used fresh broccoli on it.

After dinner, we stood around outside discussing movies, things that scared me when I was a child (which are legion), and possible future activites for the bear group. I'd like for us all to go to a drive-in movie. I think that would be fun. And there is one still running stuff up near Asheville, the last I heard. I also need to get the dates for the Anderson County Fair.

It was a nice evening. But Jinx was way pissed when I got home. Her dinner has been late twice this week, and she is over it. LOL

An unexpected visit

Well I'm out with the bears tomorrow night, and I'm getting my hair cut, so tonight was really my only night home. I had pizza makings, and made a surprisingly good mushroom and onion pizza, although when I figured up what it cost, it was about $10 per pizza, and I can buy them already made for about half that, albeit not with whole wheat crust and lots of veggies on top.

I also had to get going on laundry, since I brought tons of dirty clothes back from Augusta. Every time I walked out the door of my room, I was soaking wet (with either rain, sweat, or both) in about 10 minutes.

I had just gotten through eating and putting a load of clothes in when Justin called. He said he wanted to come over and talk. He also sounded really strange. I asked him on the phone, "Why do you sound like that? You sound like you're going to sell me a used car or something." He demurred, and said he would talk to me when he got to the house.

It turned out to be some drama/gossip about some things that have been going on. It was really good to see him; and since he considered what was going on to be a Big Deal, I was pleased that he chose to talk to me about it. We had a really good yak session, and I caught up on what he's been doing. I don't know what's been going on since his blog is completely private now. Although he was in a defiantly jovial mood last night, I can tell things have not been easy for him since Heath left, and it hurts my heart to think about it. But he has told me he doesn't like people around him when he is upset, and I'm honoring that and not sticking my nose in.

In other strange news, I got an anonymous and not very nice message from someone yesterday who appears to be very put out with me. He seems to be wanting recognition or acknowledgement of some kind, but since I don't know who sent the message, that kind of defeats the purpose.

I also heard from another guy that I had kind of decided not to go out with any more, but we may go out again. I don't see us as couple material, but he is claiming that he doesn't want a relationship anyway. Hmmmm. Thinking about that one.

Dinner out

The rain continues here today - and thank God for that. We are so dry we need all we can get! A few tornadoes moved through today, south of here, but none came close to work. Apparently there was enough of a storm to knock the power off over at Miss Kat's though. I was going over there tonight to visit, but she called me to say that she was stuck at work. She asked that I pick up Helen and meet her at a restaurant, or take Helen for dinner if she couldn't get away. Of course I didn't mind picking Helen up. I like her.

Helen was in high dudgeon when I got to the house, upset that the power was out, that her hair wasn't done, that she couldn't find her emergency supplies, etc. The key is to kind of make non-committal noises to show you're paying attention, and just let her blow off steam. She doesn't have anyone to talk to all day, and she needs it. After a few minutes, she was fine, and we went on to the restaurant. Miss Kat was able to get away, and met us there. We were all in the mood for seafood, which worked out great, since there is a seafood place near their house. Fortunately, by the time I picked Helen up and we ate, the power was back on at the house.

When we got back, Helen went on downstairs to her apartment, and Miss Kat and I settled in for a good visit. She has a lot going on at work right now, and dana is working on the road a lot, which makes that even harder.

We talked about the weekend, and the differences between the Trident Knights and LOCK. We talked about some people we know within the community and how they're doing. I talked to her about Joshua. He has continued to email with me today, and I really enjoy hearing from him. He also made a suggestion for a good book I could read. I may order it too after I get paid next week. We talked about pup headspace for a bit (we're both pretty mystified, for the most part, honestly).

I talked to her some about the dating thing. She was single long enough and recently enough that she can talk to me about it honestly and openly, without being condescending. Frankly, that is a huge relief. Most of my friends have been coupled so long they have completely forgotten what it is like to be single, and rely on platitude-laden advice that frankly at times makes me want to gnash my teeth in frustration, or snap at them - and I can't because I know they have the best intentions.

At this point, I think it would be easier for me to just give up. That's what I have been trying to do. When I meet someone like Joshua though, I start thinking hell, I'm only 40, and that it's a bit soon to throw in the towel. But hope is so much work. Meeting someone like Mitch, who awakens that hope and then just dumps me immediately, hurts. I'm asking myself if this is really just about not wanting to deal with the bullshit, or if I'm really just not strong enough to be back out there yet.

I've hit a patch lately where I feel more like myself. Or more like my new self anyway. There is no way my old self wouldn't have just dived into that group of men this weekend and met every one of them, rather than spend time reading in my room, and just stick mostly with people I know already. Last year, that would have really depressed me. Now, it just seems like acknowledging that I have changed. Since I don't have a rock any more, I don't fly as high as I used to. And I guess that's OK. I'm just having to get more used to not automatically being the most outrageous one in any given group any more.

I was really expecting that the last Michael tie being severed - the phone account - would put me in another bad place, but thus far it hasn't. My birthday is coming up. Sigh. That's always a bad time for me - especially when I'm single. So we'll see how I do with that. Also, the holidays are coming again. I do dread them, but not like I did last year. I was actually thinking about putting up the Christmas tree the other day. It's odd for me not to know whether I'm sea-worthy or not. But I guess that's just part of life. You don't stay the same.

***

In other news, the ENT doc told me today that I don't need the CPAP machine any more. I'm borderline, but he says as long as I don't gain more weight (please God no) I should be OK.

Mom also saw the doc and got out of her cast and into a walking boot. She is transcendent. She goes back in a month, and hopefully they'll take the boot off too. She has been instructed to bring shoes :)

Settling back in, still turning things over

I emailed back and forth with Joshua a bit today. I also ordered two books on puppy play. I had been meaning to order one of them for a while, and had just never gotten around to it. The other one was a sequel to that one. I don't know that I'm going to go out looking for a pup, but if a hot puppy boy ends up in my lap (this was my second possible close encounter with that possibility) I'd like to know a bit more than how to play fetch. I'd also like to know a little about what makes him tick.

When I got in from work, Miss Kat called. I shouldn't be surprised. I had been planning to go see her this week, and talk through some of the stuff that's been bouncing around in my head. We have some kind of connection that always makes her aware of when she's on my mind. Her spidey-sense, as usual, was infallible.

We discussed some of my thinking, and she related as best she could regarding switch mindset, considering she really doesn't have a switch bone in her body.

We also talked about my thinking about the possibility that "pure" service is somehow a higher calling. She reiterated to me, as has Lady Beth, that this is firmly rooted in sexuality, or at least in a primal place that is an essential part of defining who you are. While actual sex may not be a part of every scene, every scene has it's roots in sex.

I'm wondering now if I am looking for something more than sex, or nobler than sex, because sex has been somewhat cheapened for me lately. Sure I like the guys I have sex with, but there isn't really a meaningful commitment for more than that. Getting laid has almost become something on the chore list, like going to the grocery store. I may enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I'm generally relieved after it's over that I don't have to worry about it for a while. The itch is scratched, however temporarily.

After two hours of admirable patience from Miss Kat, I really wasn't much closer to sorting things out. But it was really good to have her to talk to about it. She says it will be interesting to see me "watch myself" through this. I notoriously do not trust my own analysis of things, because I know how good I am at rationalizing what I want to do, or what makes me comfortable, as what I should do. I'm just trying to go back to looking at it as a journey, and that I should enjoy it as such. It will be interesting to see where I end up.

Going back to the real world - eventually*

I was back up at 7 this morning, incredibly. I guess I'll pay for this later, but sometimes insomnia can be pretty convenient. I went to look for early risers again, and found at least one. I then moseyed down to the cafe for some coffee. The run schedule for this morning just said "coffee", and they were literal. Even yesterday's light fare was not on offer. So I took a cup back to my room and ate some of the snacks I brought, got cleaned up a bit, and read until it was time to go get Lady D up at 9.

I was at her room on the dot, as requested, with coffee. When I got in, it became apparent that dax wasn't going with us. I had already called Billy, and been told they were sleeping in. So I was going to have Lady D all to myself! Bonus!

We had a great time. I didn't get to look at as much of the stuff I was looking for, but that's kind of the way it is when you go with Lady D. She wants to look at everything. Progress is really slow. When I go with her, I just see it as a visit, and a chance to stroll and talk, rather than a real trip to the flea market. Good thing. We were there for over three hours and didn't even make it through the whole flea market. And that was really fine. I really enjoy her company, and making her laugh. It is all about her amusement. As usual, she bought all kinds of stuff, and I carried it. I had the backpack, and wasn't finding any glass anyway, so that was no big deal.

We finished up by getting produce, and thinking about something to eat. It was after 1pm by this time though, and the brunch was over. Fortunately, we had late checkout, so we had until 3pm. I got her and her stuff back to her room, and scampered back to mine for a shower and change before the drive home. Luckily, Joshua was still hanging around, and after goodbyes, I got on the road.

I needed something to eat though, and decided to stop in my little Augusta place on the way out of town. I was really lucky, and hit after the church crowd had left. Sadly though, the potatoes today weren't nearly up to par. They were too salty, and just not nearly as good as usual. Still, I had a good lunch, and headed home.

I had expected to be really sleepy in the car, but after a brief bit just after lunch, I did surprisingly well. It was good to get home though.

I unpacked and took care of cat things, and then was kind of at loose ends. I didn't really feel like doing chores. My legs were really hurting after being on a concrete slab all weekend, all the walking I had done both days, and spending a lot of time in my stack-heeled boots, which really didn't help. But it was too early to go to bed. I didn't really feel like going anywere. So I just read until bedtime, and took a couple of sleeping pills. Hopefully I can get my circadian rhythm set back to some semblance of normalcy.

***

It was an interesting weekend. I didn't really feel as at home with the Trident Knights as I do with LOCK people, although the people I met were very nice. The play here was weighted much more heavily with sex than it is at LOCK functions - although it is certainly present at LOCK functions. But I really don't have a problem with sex. On the whole, though, this weekend seemed much more about getting laid than anything else, though, and for that reason, it was kind of a let down to me. I didn't come home the way I usually come home from LOCK functions feeling.

I talked to Lady D today about why it is that several female Dommes have told me that they would just love to have a gay boy in service to them. She told me what others have. Basically, if there isn't the expectation of sex between the partners, then the reason that you are there is for "pure" service. It's a conundrum. This is basically supposed to be about sex, as I am told over and over. But it's also about service. It's about knowing who you are and where your place is - and expressing that role. It's about finding the place that feels natural and comfortable for you, even if the rest of the world doesn't understand that place.

This is even more difficult when you have more than one place. The more I do this, the more I am convinced that I am a true switch. At first, I thought I might have been clinging to this as a sap for my masculinity - the way many in our community view bi-sexuals; as people who won't own being gay. But I do own and acknowledge the submissive side of me. In the last several years, I have become more and more comfortable with that. It was odd, though, I have to say, this weekend. I was around women I felt in bottom headspace with and men I felt in top headspace with at the same time. Pretty confusing. I feel like I did pretty well at sorting through it, but it was a relief today to be alone with Lady D and not feel conflicted.

But then there are certainly men I feel like subbing for, and I have felt top headspace with some women as well. So I guess it's true what the bi-sexuals say - it really is about the person. Maybe they just respond more to energy than other things. I know that when I meet someone in the life, there generally isn't any question about how they make me feel; just as I have had bi people tell me they aren't confused about their criteria for attraction. I have to say though, that I understand it seems much more real when you feel it, rather than just hear someone else describe it. It sounds like rationalization to the cynical.

It rained on my parade, but I did't really care**

I slept pretty well last night, but it rained cats and dogs. It rained heavily enough that it woke me up at one point. But when I woke up, it was just overcast. I was pretty pumped about the Barnyard flea market down here, so I got on up, even though it was only about 7. I wandered around to see if any other early risers were out, but only found a couple of guys who had been up all night. I hung with them for a bit, and then went on to breakfast. Breakfast turned out to be fairly light. Some small bagels, cream cheese, some fresh fruit, and a selection of pastry and granola bars. Sadly, the coffee was really weak. But I partook. It was free, and I wanted to get going. I figured I could get something later if I wanted.

After breakfast, I got changed and headed for the flea market. I called Russ, since I told him I would, but not surprisingly, he wasn't up. It was ugly, so there weren't as many sellers at the flea market as usual, but there were enough that it was interesting. I found a woman who had a beautiful selection of plate and bowl stands, and bought a selection of those. The last ones I bought were pretty crappy, and I am always needing stands; but I really wanted to find some glass. All the pieces I found were damaged, and there weren't a lot of them. I saw plenty of stuff I recognized, thanks to Justin and his encouragement of my small knowledge of 50's and 60's stuff. I saw one cup that I thought was Aunt Polly, but didn't buy it. I went back looking for it later, just because I hadn't seen anything else; but when I found it again I still couldn't work up any enthusiasm about it. When I looked up the pattern later, I found out that Aunt Polly doesn't have any cups and saucers, so this was obviously a later look-alike pattern. I found a Dogwood plate, but it was chipped. I also found yet another white big berry Bubble bowl, but Russ already has two, and I didn't want it. Eventually, I just had to resign myself to the fact that there wasn't anything there, and left.

On the way back I stopped by a smaller, junkier flea market just to look around. Interestingly, I did find three glasses to match a set I bought at another flea market in Columbia. They aren't antique, just glasses that happened to strike my fancy, but I thought it was pretty interesting finding more of them here. I picked them up, and felt that at least it hadn't been a totally glass-free outing.

Back at the hotel, I decided I needed a nap. I had been out late and up early, and tonight would be the party night. So I read a bit, and slept for about two hours. I woke up to still cloudy skies, and got ready and went to lunch, thinking for sure I would run into Russ and Billy there. Lunch was pretty sad. It had been planned as a picnic by the pool, but it was drizzling rain. There wasn't much for me to eat. The entree was pork loin sandwiches and a fried chicken salad. Happily, there were some pimento cheese sandwiches. There was also some fruit, and a pretty uninspired cucumber salad. I got a plate and tried to find a place to sit. No one really wanted to be inside - the room with the tables was kind of gloomy and deserted. I made my way out to the pool, but still no Russ and Billy. Mostly couples and groups of friends had assembled in damp little groups to eat. I found a place and sat down. About halfway through lunch, the rain picked up, and a bunch of people were crammed under the overhang eating. I didn't really know anyone well enough to cram in the group, so I went on inside. Alone or not - I had been raised with the sense to get in out of the rain.

After lunch, I did find Russ and Billy, and talked to them for a bit. Russ was cutting hair all day. Billy and I walked over to his shop area. But Billy went to do something, and Russ was busy. So I went on back to my room to read. It started to monsoon. The rain just poored. I was laying there, reading, and thinking that I could really have just done this at home. I felt like I ought to go find people, but I didn't really feel like doing it. I really just felt like reading. So that's what I did.

Eventually, though, the light breakfast and lunch caught up with me. I was ravenous. Hungry enough that I decided to go into town for an early dinner. I called Russ, but he wasn't answering his phone. I figure they were probably taking a nap, but I was just too hungry to wait. Plus, I knew exactly what I wanted. I went to the little cafeteria in Augusta that makes the potatoes like my grandmother's. They were SO good - just like I remembered. I ate and read, and then went back to the hotel. It was still raining, so I decided just to lay up until a bit later.

I hooked up with Russ and Billy about 7, and we went over to the main building just as the dinner thing was wrapping up. The weather had cleared, finally, and it was turning out to be a nice evening. We found Lady D and dax, and settled in just to hang out and talk with them until the scenes and demos started. Daniel was there with Russ and Billy. He's the latest little BDSM boy that Russ and Billy have adopted. This was the first time he had gone to anything like this, other than one LOCK camp-out. He was staying with them, and since he isn't really intersted in guys, he was relying on Russ to act as a cock block for him. Which is kind of like hanging out with Freddy Kruger because you're afraid of Jason, but that's his life. In fairness, Russ wouldn't victimize him the way some there might have, but Russ is not averse to using his powerful gift o' gab to make things you never thought you would do sound like a pretty great idea.

While we were hanging out there talking, I met a really nice looking guy named Joshua. I had noticed him the night before because he was flagging for puppy play, but didn't seem like a puppy to me. I had thought about just going up to him and rubbing his head, but he was in a group of people. I didn't want to break protocol or piss someone off. He was very approachable, though, and funny and articulate. I ended up talking to him with Billy and Daniel for a while, as Lady D and Russ went off to set up their scene. I really like him. Eventually, we drifted inside to look at a demo of electrical and fire play. I wanted to see the violet wand work because I had never seen that up close, but the fire play I had seen before. The guy doing the demo was really good. He was patient and matter-of-fact, and he knew his stuff. I really enjoyed both of the things he was talking about.

Just as Joshua took his shirt off and got up on the table though, Russ came to tell me that he and Lady D were starting their scene. Joshua looked really hot on the table, and I was enjoying watching the electrical play on him; but he was there with someone else, and seeing Russ and Lady D do a scene together really wasn't something I wanted to miss. Also, it was an interrogation scene, and I hadn't seen one of those before and really wanted to.

It was pretty wild! dax had been told he was helping with a take-down and interrogation of another guy, but ended up getting pulled into the scene himself. I didn't know the whole premise of the scene going in. One of the Daddies there had a boy who had seriously disappointed him - to the point that he took the boy's collar. He had asked Lady D and Russ to set up the interrogation scene as a punishment for the boy.

The theme this year for the run was pirates. In keeping with the theme, the scene had been set up as an interrogation of co-conspirators about a stolen and divided treasure map. It was really cool. Surprisingly, Russ was in more of an instigator mood, and had stepped back to let Lady D and Billy run the scene. Billy is a wicked top. The scene went on for about two hours, and was fairly intense at places. I even got to help for a while. At the end, the Daddy, who was there with his boy's sister (she's apparently in the life as well), decided that he had done well, and gave him his collar back. It was very touching - all the more so to me because it was so unexpected. I thought it was very sweet.

Afterwards we all went downstairs for a post-scene smoke and discussion. Joshua met Lady D and asked her really good questions about setting up and running the scene. The tricky part about an interrogation scene is when to end it. Traditionally, it ends when the information is given up, but sometimes the sub is too out of it to rememeber, or may feel that he is letting the dom down by giving up, so the dom has to be very in tune with the sub to know how much they can take, or has to have someone there watching who does. It was very complex and very interesting.

Russ had a shaving scene going on then, and I went over to watch that. Billy was all charged up from the interrogation scene, and was bouncing and running all over the place. Although he had a problem concentrating, I did not. The shaving scene was HOT. I ended up taking a stroll on my own for a bit before going to say goodnight to everyone. Lady D and I set up a date to go to to the flea market in the morning. I got to bed around 3.

Kicking things off*

Well the day was eternal, but at last I got to leave for Augusta. I skipped my lunch hour so I could leave work at 4:30, which allowed me to miss the traffic hell near my office. I went through the house, set the cats up, loaded the rest of the stuff, and was on the road by 5:30. I made pretty good time, but stopped briefly for dinner outside Columbia. Nothing fancy, just a Subway sandwich. Fast food is really limited if you're not going to eat meat, or fried fish. I figured I was going to indulge this weekend anyway, and should put a few more veggies in the tank first anyway.

I got to Augusta about 8:30. I was pretty tired after the long drive, and not sleeping well for the last couple of days. After a brief collapse though, I went out to find Russ, and to get registered for the run. A brief trip around the place failed to unearth Russ, who I figured was holed up with somebody doing something. I did find a couple of people Russ had told me to look for, who got me hooked up with the folks in charge, and signed in. After that, I got showered and dressed. After a cigarette, I felt almost human. I went out to decide what to do. I ended up meeting the guys in the room next to mine, who were pretty nice, and they invited me to walk over to the bar next door with them. I figured Russ had to be there. The bar has recently opened, and they were having a "drink and drown" party for the Knights. The deal was that you paid $7.50 and got all you could drink for three hours. I was wondering how they could make money on that, until I went up to try to get signed up. The lesbian working the bar was incredibly slow. But she was nice, and we all got signed up eventually. Fortunately we were there before the wave came in, so I could scoot to the bar in between times that the guys that came later needed drinks. There was a line for the bar through the middle of the small bar for a good portion of the night.

The guys that I walked over with ended up being touch-screen slots junkies. What they were really interested in doing was playing that. So I moseyed over and found a seat. The only barstool that was available was between two guys who were nice enough, but were kind of on the flip side of cool, if you know what I mean. Fortunately, the music was so loud you couldn't hear thunder in the bar anyway, so we didn't talk much. But no one came over to talk to me either. I was remembering really well why I hate bars so much. There were obviously other people from the run there, but no one I knew, and I didn't really feel like I could just walk up to someone and start screaming in their ear. There was no dancing. At leather runs, the "cult of masculinity" rules are fairly inviolate.

So I sat there and smoked and drank. After a couple of drinks (I'd had a refresher in my room before I got there too), I was thinking that I should probably switch off for a bit. Then they started the karaoke. I love karaoke, but haven't sung in public since my surgery. Fortunately, I was tipsy and bored enough it really didn't seem to matter; and no one was really paying attention anyway. The first guy that sang was so bad that I figured I could sound better than him anyway. So I got up and did my song, "Cleopatara, Queen of Denial" by Pam Tillis. It went pretty well, I thought, and no one was really paying that much attention anyway. After that, I got a Coke and sat back down. Another guy started singing was pretty good, although he had obviously received choral training, and was trying to sing a pop song like a choral arrangement. Still, it seemed to go over.

By this point, I was feeling pretty tore down, and had been thinking I needed to leave anyway. Then the bad guy from before started singing, and that pretty much clinched it for me. I was glad the bar was right next door to the hotel.

I wandered next door and did a bit of a tour. I ran into Richard, of Richard and Tommy, whom I know from River's Edge. I was really glad to see him! After hanging out with him for a bit, I finally found Russ, who was holding court with some others in front of their room. I found out Lady D was here this weekend! I was really glad about that dax was with her, but sadly gypsy had just had surgery last week, and couldn't come. Billy wasn't here yet, Russ said. I sat and talked to them for a while, but between the alchohol, the drive, the poor sleep, and the late hour, I was pretty much done in. I got to bed about 1am.

Anticipation

I hope I'm not letting myself up for a big disappointment. I hope this weekend is as much fun as I think it's going to be. I was up at 4:30am again this morning, which just seems to be my time to be up this week. And unbelievably, I was hungry again. After half a sandwich, I was able to sleep for about another hour, but it was restless sleep, and I heard everything that happened in the house during it.

I got ready for work while trying to do all the little things that either couldn't be done last night, or that I didn't think about until I got up at 4:30. I had forgotten a couple of key things, so I'm glad I got to them this morning. I don't know why I have such a siege mentality about traveling. I know they will have aspirins and sleeping pills and shampoo in Augusta, but I don't want to have to worry about having to run errands during my down time. I'm only going to be there for about 48 hours total, and at least 10 of those will be sleeping.

I got to work, answered my email, balanced my checkbook, paid bills, and winnowed down this year's Christmas gift buying list. And it's not even 10:30 yet. Six more hours to go. I worked up so much this week so I would be able to leave early today with a clear conscience and be caught up for month end next week (even if I felt less than stellar next Monday) that I've worked ahead to the point that I don't have that much to do today. Which of course means this day will be eternal. And I'm skipping lunch to leave an hour early, so I won't even have a lunch hour to break the monotony. Einstein was so right. Time is completely relative.

I'm apparently so broke I can't even pay attention, I found out after getting paid today and balancing my checkbook. But I've been really good for the most part lately. I used my stimulus payment to pay down credit cards, etc. I know this weekend is going on a credit card, but since I haven't really taken a vacation this year, that's not so bad. And I already have taken out cash for the flea market tomorrow (or Sunday) (or both, depending on how I'm feeling). Plus, I get an "extra" check in October, and that will help to straighten things out some.

That scene from History of the World Part I is on my mind today:

"We are so poor, we don't even have a language. All we have is this outrageous accent! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!" Cloris Leachman is a genius. Yes I know she didn't write it, but what delivery! I guess I sound more like Huckleberry Hound than Maurice Chevalier though.

I was able to cut the Christmas gift buying list down a good bit. There are so many people I don't see anymore. Or not often enough to buy Christmas presents for anyway. That should help this year. Last year I spent about $650 on gifts. I think I can do better than that this year. Not that I'm looking at Christmas as chance to be cheap or anything, it's just that I have to re-adjust my thinking back to a one-income household and not be extravagant. I'm lucky. Most of my friends wouldn't care if I bought them a gift or not. But of course I want to.

Errands and packing - Yay!

Well the day didn't drag out too badly today, but bad enough. I was busy making lists though, and organizing errands in order of distance from the house so I could run them on the way home. I don't know why doing pre-trip errands gives me a little lift, but it does. My mother loves planning vacations, so I guess I get that from her.

I scored big at the library - a Rita Mae Brown Sneaky Pie Brown mystery - cool. That will be nice to listen to tomorrow night. I got all my errands run, and went home to eat supper. After that, with my list, I packed stuff up. I got out my BIG duffle bag, even though I'm only going to be gone for the weekend, because the last time I went to the Parliament House, I ran out of clothes. They kept getting stuff on them, and I kept having to change... That isn't going to happen this time. I could stay a week.

I went ahead and put most of the stuff in the car, and by that time it was after 9. Since I've been sleeping so poorly this week, I decided to go on to bed. I was pretty tired. I'm hoping I can sleep tonight. I usually can't ever sleep when I'm keyed up about going somewhere, and then by the time I get there, I'm exhausted from not sleeping. I've packed some 5-hour energy drinks in case I need them. Among other things. I think I'm pretty much prepared for anything at this point. I have full sun gear for the pool, mosquito repellant (the mosquitos there will carry you back to the swamp), and two umbrellas. I have enough t-shirts and underwear to outfit a softbal team, and a leather ensemble to wear to the bar for the party Saturday night. Now all I need is to survive the next 24 hours in a froth of impatience. Russ is already there, having a good time, which just makes it that much worse. I just know he'll have seen all the penii before I get there.

A rough morning

Well I tried to eat less last night so I would hopefully sleep better, and woke up hungry at 4:30am. So I just can't win for losing. After half a peanut butter sandwich, I did manage to sleep for a while longer, but still woke up feeling drug out and exhausted. I usually pay for not sleeping well the day after anyway. I drug myself to the bathroom and put in some hoochie music to get me moving. This is probably not the best idea, as they play disco/dance music non-stop at Parliament House, and I have a limited tolerance for it. The last time I went down there, I was ready to start disconnecting speakers before I left. It's pumped (pun intended) over the whole grounds of the resort round the clock. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I had a good morning at work, and got all my write-offs in and submitted for approval. My boss couldn't even kick any of them back for further work, which he really tries to do.

After that, I had time to put together my packing list for the trip and get my errands put in order for tonight after work. Tomorrow the goal will be to get out of town as soon as humanly possible, so I'm trying to get all the niggling stuff done tonight. My boss is letting me skip lunch and skip out the door an hour early, which I rarely ask to do. I also called the hotel and confirmed my reservation. So now there is no more trip stuff I can do until I get off work.
Dammit.

Tomorrow is going to drag out forever.

Some enchanted evening, you will meet a - closet case?

I started New Moon tonight, then second book in theTwilight series. The heroine has beena fugue state of depression for four months, and is now suicidal. I'm keeping on with it because there are apparently Native American were-bears in the near future. I'm all about some were-bears.

I ate way too much last night, and slept horribly. I was up every two hours. At 4:30am, I just called it quits and got up. I had laundry to do anyway.

My ass was dragging today. I had to have an extra-large cup of coffee when I got to work - extra calories I don't need. But I guess when you're eating queso and chips for dinner it's kind of silly to be worried about a cup of coffee that is keeping you conscious. Fortunately, it ended up being a busy day, and went quickly. I got a lot done, surprisingly.

I've been thinking about Len tonight. I miss him. I haven't heard from him in a while. The reason he came to mind was that I was thinking (with pleasure) how if I had any down time at work tomorrow I would put together a packing list for this weekend. Len always found it hilarious that I planned ahead for things so meticulously. I also cleaned my crocs tonight, in case I use them for pool shoes this weekend, and took out the stinky garbage so it wouldn't smell up the house while I was gone. Len would be rolling.

I fooled around a bit on the computer, and then decided to call Thom since we have been texting so much and since I can't get together this week. It was an interesting conversation. He is a really nice guy, but has never been in an LTR with another man (at 35). He was married for two years to a woman who cheated on him. No kids. And he's an interior designer who is in the closet. I'm like - OK. I have to say I was just caught off guard with that one. He also says that none of the people he works with know about him. HEL-LO! I'm thinking who in the hell would hire a straight male interior designer?? He says he's not ready to face his family, friends, and church about it yet. That of course is his decision.

I have to say, the closet thing really gets to me. I have been out so long now that I just can't imagine being any other way. Particularly in this day and age, as an adult, and working as a decorator. It's not like the guys at the fire-house are gonna razz him or something. He could tell I was weirded out. When I hear guys talk about being in the closet now, it sounds like someone saying "Well, yes. I still live in a cave. I'm just not ready for windows and sunshine right now." I know that is wrong of me, but I just don't seem to be able to move past it. I may go out with him anyway, but I can't see anything coming of it, relationship-wise.

And I guess that makes me a hypocrite then. Because I have good friends who are in the closet, and I buy their excuses about jobs or family. Maybe it's the interior decorator thing that tops it off for me, I don't know. But I was floored.

I draw the line there at a relationship because, dammit, if I'm ever in another one, it's not going to be with a guy who is ashamed of me. And if he's ashamed of our relationship, he's ashamed of me on some level.

And apparently I just have a death wish to be single forever.

Maybe I'm just spoiled. I sure hope I never have to take another job where I'm forced back into the closet at work. The last time I did that I was miserable. I took a Scarlett O'Hara vow never to do it again.

Ready to leave right now!!

Well I have done everything that I can think to do at this stage to get ready for this weekend. I have printed out my directions from googlemaps. I looked up directions to the flea market down there and printed them out as well. I printed out the run schedule since I didn't get my run packet from the Trident Knights yet. I'm doing yet more laundry, both to try to catch up before I leave, and so that I have anything I want to pack Thursday night clean and ready to go.

I ate too much dip tonight - I am SO full. So I'll be extra-fat for the weekend - yay! My face has also obligingly broken out. I have these two zits right at my lip that look like cold sores. That's always appealing. I don't guess I was going to meet a new husband this weekend anyway.

I kept getting phone calls while I was trying to eat. Maybe that was because I was stuffing my face for so long.

Michael called to fill me in on his friend Christina. They have been friends forever, and she still is local to me. He moved up here originally partially to be close to her. She has cancer. The operated on her last week, but the biopsies came back that she has a very aggressive type of cancer, and although they thought they got it all, and although her lymph system appears clear now, they can't be sure the cancer hasn't spread. They're going to do 4 rounds of chemo on her, and a round of radiation. On top of the surgery she's already had. It's going to be tough. I think he just needed someone to listen while he talked about it.

Justin called to tell me he wrecked his car today. Bless his heart, he was worried about moving furniture for me. That was the last thing he should have been worried about. I'm glad he's OK.

I finished Twilight tonight. It did get better when the girl started being hunted by another vampire (other than the one she's in love with) and they had some other stuff to do besides gaze at each other longingly and sneak around behind her dad's back. They took their precious time about getting the action started though. I'm hoping that since all the groundwork has been laid in book one (even if our heroine has not) that book two will start with a bit more of a bang (if not literally).

In other news, the nice guy that I talked to this weekend (Thom - and yes, that's how he spells it. His full name is Thomas though, so I guess it's OK. If he wasn't so nice, it would seem really pretentious to me, but I know how gay guys are about their names. Anyway.) has been aggressively texting me this week. I'm not able to do stuff because I'm getting ready to go out of town, and he also seems to have this impossible schedule, but at some point I guess I'll meet him. I'm trying to line something up for next week, but he's pretty insistent.

Why is it that there are weeks of nothing, and then everything happens at once? That is one for my list of Questions for God. Hopefully someday I'll get to ask them.

After being pretty depressed for a while, I've finally hit a patch of feeling like myself again, which is nice. I'm hoping (as I keep doing) that the worst is over. It's easier when I have something to look forward to. I'm really excited about this trip!

It's the cheese, stupid

Well I figured out what was wrong with my queso - not enough queso. I knew that the white cheese dip they serve in Mexican restaurants was made with White American cheese, but I didn't know that's basically all it is. Just cheese, a bit of milk to keep it from going immediately solid when you pull it out of the microwave, and some chopped pickled jalapeno peppers if you want them for heat. That's it. No wonder mine didn't taste right with all the vegetables, white sauce with cheese carefully melted in, etc. I tried to make it too fancy and it just turned out wrong. So after work, I went and bought more White American, and some chopped pickled jalapenos at the grocery store, and went home to do triage on my dip. It turned out OK. It's too thick now. But at least you can taste the cheese in it. And I'll know next time.

I am reading Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I had been wanting to read the series, and Justin gave it a big build-up, but thus far I haven't been terribly impressed. It's OK. It's just kind of like Judy Bloom does Anne Rice. The characters are all pretty juvenile - the story takes place in high school. Or I should say fictional high school. All the kids seem to be pretty nice, and they're all having a super good time. I don't remember it as being that much fun, but then it wasn't for me. I'm halfway through the first book. There are 4 or 5 of them. I'm hoping some of the characters start showing some depth soon. The protagonist doesn't do much execpt be clumsy, blush in embarrassment, and be alternately tongue-tied, dazzled, or pissed off by her vampire love interest. Plus after knowing him for two weeks, this 17 year old has already announced that she is "unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him". Yeah, I kind of threw up a little.

I'm doing laundry this week, getting ready to go out of town. I had to wash all those shirts I got down out of the attic, since they have been up there for seven and a half years - they're a bit musty. I have to decide what I'm wearing this weekend too, and pack it up.

WOW - tomato-y goodness!

I understand now what all the brouhaha is aobut heirloom tomatoes. The one I cut for breakfast this morning was so wonderful. I had forgotten how good real tomatoes are. So sweet and flavorful - truly a vegetable to stand on it's own. Not the plastic condiments to which they have been reduced. It reminded me of tomatoes I had eaten as a child from my grandfather's garden. I think the one I ate this morning was a Cherokee Purple.

A really busy Sunday

Lots to do today! I got up, started laundry, and ran to the flea market for vegetables. I had called Russ after not hearing from him, but the rain last night had given him a migraine. He is very sensitive to changes in barometric pressure.

There was almost no one at the flea market because it rained heavily last night. Plus there were tons of people there yesterday. They had fresh cherries, for which I spent way too much money. I love fresh cherries better than almost anything. I got some heirloom tomatoes too, from a very nice Hispanic woman who didn't speak much English. I felt bad, because one of the regular flea market guys came by, talking quickly and scamming her out of free fruit. It was obvious he knew she didn't understand half of what he was saying, and was just going along with him because she was too nice to stand up to him. That made me mad. To make things worse, I'm pretty sure she under-charged me for the things I bought. I really tried to go back over it with her, but I think she was so rattled she just couldn't follow what I was saying. That made me feel as bad as the jerk that came through first. I went back by to get a melon on the way out, and I was glad to see her husband was back. He speaks better English. I buy a good bit of my vegetables from them now. They are always very nice to me.

On the way home, I ran through the grocery store to get the stuff I couldn't get at the flea market. I came in and started cooking. I made a big batch of espinaca con queso. I figured if I was going to eat it anyway, I may as well eat it homemade as to pay restaurant prices. My queso, however, leaves something to be desired. Even though this batch has a pound of cheese in it, it doesn't taste cheesy enough. I'm going to have to go to one of the copycat recipe websites and find out what trick it is that I'm missing. Mine is really bland, in spite of my getting chemical burns on my fingers chopping peppers.

When I got done with that, I fried some rice. I had it leftover from last week. I haven't made any fried rice in a long time, and had forgotten how good my recipe for it is. It turned out really good. Like date show-off good. I'll have to remember that for future reference.

Then I had to get cleaned up to go to Plato's Closet. It was a MADHOUSE. The store was packed with people, and there were piles of clothes lined up out the door. The waiting time to have your clothes gone through for purchase was 2 hours. I just decided life was too short, and hied myself hence to the Goodwill. I gave them 5 30-gallon bags of clothes. That was just the old stuff I couldn't wear. I still have way too many clothes at the house. I'm going through them again next year to do a major toss of things I'm not wearing. It's probably also about time I went through the kitchen cabinets and did a toss. I need to replace the shelf paper anyway.

I ran by the library on the way home, and dropped off my books, and then by the Publix downtown to get the stuff I can't get at the grocery store near my house, which doesn't carry soy milk. Bad idea to go to the store thirsting to death. 30 minutes later, I emerged triumphant with $30 worth of juice, soymilk, and seltzer.

I was so tired. I just had to lay down for a snooze when I got home. I was back up at 5am this morning, after being out late last night. Russ called after about 45 minutes, and asked me out for dinner tonight, and I was glad to go. Billy is spending a bunch of time on the road right now, updating his certificates and stuff, so he's gone a lot. While I waited to hear back from Russ about dinner plans, I threw a pasta salad together. I had been wanting to try that new recipe I got from work. It turned out pretty good, but not as good as theirs. I'm going to have to play with it. Still, I was pretty happy with it. It ought to be good. I paid seven fricking dollars for a jar of Kalamata olives to go in it.

Russ invited Miss Kat and dana to go with us, but they declined. I'm going to have to go by and see them this week. It has been too long since I've been over there, and I have a book of Miss Kat's I need to return. Plus we're out of town next weekend.

Russ and I went out for pizza buffet and gorged ourselves. I had been wanting pizza for a while. While we were there, a church men's group or something came in - we couldn't figure out what the deal was. There were a bunch of men of all different ages eating together. So we just window-shopped while we ate. After dinner we ran by Starbucks, and by Russ' new shop so he could check the progress of the workmen, and show me around a bit.

I brought Russ a copy of a Mama Mia CD I burned today. When I was up so early this morning, I went online and found the order of the songs in the movie and burned discs for both of us, and I labeled all his tracks for him in iTunes. He went through his closet and loaned me a leather vest to wear next weekend. I'm really looking forward to the Trident Nights leather run. He also went through the belts and gave me a couple. I want a khaki canvas belt to wear with shorts. I don't know if I'm going to be able to wear the one he gave me, but I have one now. He was also able to fix me up with a new CD player for my bathroom, after I mentioned that the one I had in there doesn't really work any more. Russ is the only person I know who would have a spare CD player LOL. He also gave me some home grown tomatoes, since for some inexplicable reason I didn't buy enough today for the week. I don't know where my mind was.

Interestingly, I also had a very nice call from a guy named Thom tonight. We have been talking online. It's not like I haven't talked to anyone on the phone lately, but he was so courteous that he really stood out. I hope I get to meet him. The down side on him is that he is really allergic to cats. But we're not getting married yet. Hmmmmm.

And then I was off home with all my new stuff to get ready for tomorrow. Back to work. I'm already living vicariously through next weekend! I can't wait for Augusta.

Saturday night movie!

Well Richard ended up not showing up, which pissed me off. He is so on again, off again. It was really good to see him Thursday night, and we had a good time, but then he stands me up. That's usually how it goes. We have a good time until we make plans. Men.

I was up around 4:30. I finished my book. After having an early breakfast about 6am, I decided to try to sleep a bit more, but no dice. I waited for Richard until about 9:30, and then I just went on over to the flea market after he didn't answer his phone. I needed some produce, but ended up getting dry goods instead. There is a new "gormet" grocery over there, and they had fancy tea for $1 a box. Since I have been needing some, I picked that up, along with some pasta for a pasta salad I'm going to make (I decided to try that recipe I got from my friend at work and see how it turns out). They had my bread for a dollar a loaf, as opposed to four bucks a loaf. I also finally had spare keys made to put outside the house. That has been needing to be done for the 10 years I have lived in that house. It was good to finally get that done - even if it is now that I have decided to change the locks. I'll probably procrastinate about that too. I found a couple of "Princess" depression glass plates for sale (the only DP I saw today), but they were so chipped up they looked like they had belonged to Edward Scissorhands.

When I got home, it was cool enough that I decided to mow the grass, since it needs doing, kind of, and since I'm going to be gone this weekend. So I joined the Battle of the Mower once more. As usual, it ran like a champ until I got through with about half the yard, when it quit and refused to run. I decided to change the spark plug, since my neighbor Tim had told me that's what he thought it needed, but that didn't seem to help. I went and got fresh gas - again. The Briggs and Stratton website says that is the problem when it cuts off. Because it will run fine for 20 seconds at a time. The new gas didn't seem to help either. By now I was really pissed, but decided to see if I could have it serviced. There are very few mower service places any more, and the ones that are open aren't open past noon on Saturday, if they are open on Saturday at all. Grrr. I went outside just to put the &^%^$$#!! thing away, grass half mowed or not, but decided to try it one more time. It started, and I finished the grass. At this point, I think there must be something in the fuel line.

After that I came in and decided that while I was already sweaty, I might as well go up in the attic and get down the rest of the clothes. I went through them all, and put almost all of them in the pile to go. I still have way too many shirts though. I also went through the depression class cabinet, which has gotten a bit crowded of late. I picked through, and put some of the less decorative pieces back in the attic, although I'll be able to move them back down when I get some curio cabinets Russ has promised me. I was fooling around on the computer, and called Russ to find out the name of the place that buys used clothes. It's called Plato's Closet, and I called over there. They told me they were buying tomorrow, but no more today. Russ, Billy, and I decided to do dinner and a movie tonight. Yay!

We went to Golden Corral for dinner, and then to see Mama Mia. OK, I loved the movie, but then I'm a huge Abba fan, and have been for a long time. I first heard of them when my mother's second husband passed on a second-hand 45 of (of course) "Dancing Queen". That became one of my favorites, and I listened to it over and over again on the little portable record-player in my room. Of course I was just a kid, and didn't know who did the song or anything. I just knew I liked it, and that it spoke to me.

When I was in about 8th grade, a friend's mother passed her old copy of Voulez Vous to me, and I was hooked. Immediately. I played that album over and over until my parents were just sick of hearing it. I saved my money and used it to buy other albums of theirs. I can still remember seeing a laserdisc demo at the mall where they showed a video of "Money, Money, Money". I was mesmerized. This was before Abba became cool again. This was when they were considered cheesy has-beens. All I knew was that their music spoke to me as few other things had in my life. My dad was just totally confused. When I would come home after scoring yet another Abba album, he would be like, "Why are you buying that stuff, son? That's old music." Either he was totally lost, or he was hoping it didn't mean what he suspected it did. Which of course it did. I was a big ole future Dancing Queen myself.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the movie. Was it hackneyed? Yes. Were some of the song transitions painful artifice? Yes. And Pierce Brosnan shouldn't even sing in the shower - but his ass still looks smashing in a pair of jeans, I have to admit. It was really obvious that Christine Baranski, Julie Walters, and Meryl Streep were having a ball making it, and equally as obviously following the story but taking it none too seriously. They are patently fully aware they are doing camp, which invites you to have fun with it too. Of course, Meryl Streep could read the phone book and it would be entertaining. The scenery was gorgeous - the Greek tourism board should have subsidized the movie. The clothes were lovely, and they loaded the really Greek chorus with loads of beautiful eye candy. Lovely Greek men who could dance, but were still hunky and hot. And ABBA songs thick on the ground, of course. If you could get through the opening bars of the songs, the backup singers and music swelled to the point that they could have had a braying donkey in the midst of it and it would have sounded fine. Meryl, although no Barbra, held her own on the vocals very well, and Julie Walters has a surprisingly good voice. But then I think she has some musical theater in her background - I'm not sure. Christine Baranski's voice is passable, but not since Marilyn Monroe has a woman threaded her way through a lathered group of male backup dancers with such aplomb. Her number is absolutely charming, and you won't care about her less-than-sterling pipes. Promise.

I haven't come out of a movie feeling so good in a long time.

Afterwards, I went back to Russ and Billy's house to hang out and visit for a while. James came in and we all just talked. James is so sweet, and so cute. Of course he has a boyfriend, is aeons too young for me, and there are other issues there. But I really like him. I can see how it would be easy to get stuck on him. Russ and I decided to go to the Jockey Lot in the morning.

Friday night, wheeeee**

I was dead at work today, but it was worth it.

I honestly intended to get some fried chicken after work today. I wanted it so badly yesterday that I really thought I would just get some. It has been about a month since I had any meat, and that was by accident at the chinese buffet. But I had a friend coming by the house after work, and by the time he left and I changed clothes and stuff it just seemed like too much trouble to go back out. I was really tired. Plus I was starving. I thought about ordering a pizza, since I had really been craving that too, but I didn't want to wait that long to eat. So I had a salad, and settled back to read the rest of my latest Aurora Teagarden mystery. It is overdue from the library.

Miss Kat called to invite me to go to a big book sale with them tomorrow, and I would really have liked to see them. But a) I so don't need any more books. I don't buy them unless it's something I can't get from the library because I read them so fast; b) I'm broke, and really don't need to be going into temptation as far as spending more money; and c) Richard is supposed to come over tomorrow morning. So I wasn't free. I'm afraid Miss Kat is a bit put out with me.

I was too sleepy to finish my book.

Temptations continue

They had free chicken wings in the office today. I wanted some soooo bad, but I didn't eat any. There wasn't a lot for me to eat in the free lunch today, as the other main dish was bratwurst, and of course most of the people in my office had no idea what bratwurst was. So I explained it to them. Then listened for the comments of people coming out of the cafeteria. "Those sausages weren't done - they were white." And the like. Sometimes I really feel like we deserve our reputation for being rubes down here. I told my buddy Anna when I went to the cafeteria that if she wanted to please redneck women, the key would be chicken fingers and honey mustard, which apparently many women in my office mainly live on. They seem to have them every day for lunch. But I digress.

I subverted my chicken wing lust with about 8.5million french fries, also on offer today. I LOVE fries, and don't eat them that often. I ate so many today, I just about made myself sick on them. And topped them off with two cookies and sweet tea. I am gonna be big as a house.

Of course since fries don't really stick to your ribs, I was ravenous by the time I got off work. I justified my trip to Moe's for nachos for dinner to my continuing to deny myself chicken wings. Sigh.

I turned in early, as I'm still worn out from sleeping poorly. I just know that I'm going to have to still have that CPAP machine when the results come back. I couldn't sleep again tonight. I laid there awake, thinking about Richard, until I called him to come over after work. I am gonna be dead tomorrow at work.

Quiet Wednesday, for the most part*

Although I did pitch a fit in my boss's office today. I have those reports that he wants done every Wednesday, and they are time sensitive. The problem is I have to have status on the accounts from each of the people that handle them to complete the report, and it is like pulling teeth to get some people to respond. It is obviously not a priority for them. One woman today just totally gave me the brush-off and told me to use her statuses from last week. I told my boss that I was tired of being everyone's mama, and reminding them over and over to turn their stuff in. He agreed. I can now turn the reports in without status from people if they don't get back to me. That should make my life less stressful.

They had apple pie with ice cream and caramel today, and I just couldn't resist. It was really good pie, with lots of cinnamon and a thick flaky crust. Mmmmmm. The apples were of course those lousy Granny Smith apples they always use (I like softer apples for a pie), but there weren't really enough of them to interfere with the pie-y goodness. I don't usually eat the stuff they give out here, because there is so much of it, but after not hearing back last night, I was in kind of an indulgent "fuck it" kinda mood.

After work, I fooled around a bit, ate a salad, and listened to the Olympics and messed about on the computer for a while. I turned in early, haven't been sleeping well this week.

Well, I thought he was a nice guy anyway.

No call. I was waiting without trying to wait all day, but Mitch didn't call. I sent an email, and an instant message, but received no response. Finally, after about 9, I called but he didn't pick up. I left a message. If he hadn't made such a point about promising to call today, I wouldn't have been expecting it so much. Of course, I can't call any more without seeming like a Pathological Pit of Need (if I don't already).

After work, I went on over to see BB at the nursing home. I was supposed to go see her last weekend, and it totally slipped my mind. I felt pretty bad about that. I haven't seen her since before the surgery, and Eve asked me to look in on her while they were out of town. I thought I could sneak in and see her before they got back, but they got in last night, and Eve had already been by to see her.

I am way more disappointed about the Mitch thing than I should be. After all, I only met the guy one time. But he seemed so right. Dammit. I would really have liked to get to know him better.

I loathe dating. I hate that feeling of having been sniffed and discarded. I hate feeling old and fat. I hate reading so much into something so small, and acting like a 16 year old again.

And I really hate feeling rejected. Double dammit.

I meet a nice guy*

I started talking today to a guy I had apparently talked to before, although I didn't remember it. He is really nice and very smart and funny. His name is Mitch. We chatted off and on all day today, and he ended up coming over to the house for a face to face this evening. He is better looking than his pictures show, has a good job, and seems to be sane. He is younger than me though - he's only 27. Other than that though, we really hit it off. I'd really like to see him again.

I guess it's a small thing to be so excited about, but I had pretty much resigned myself to being single. It has been a long time since I talked to someone with whom I had so much in common. That's what give me hope. I guess even if I never see the guy again, I should take heart that there are guys like that out there. I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

He told me he has already saved my number, and that I will see him again. He's going to call tomorrow night. I have my fingers crossed.

"Sunflower" ashtray in Green by Jeannette, circa 1930-35

Another pleasant day, in which much is done, but little is accomplished*

"Spiral" sherberts by Hocking in green, circa 1928-30

I had horrible nightmares last night, courtesy of the Friday night Ambien. I was back up at 3:30am, and after messing around for a while, I had a very early breakfast and went back to bed around 6. I slept until 10, and when I woke up, I decided I might meander over to White Horse road, with the vague idea of buying some fruit. I figured I had used up all my glass luck yesterday, and I had only $10 in my wallet.

Of course, since I was broke, I found more glass. But the kind of collecting I did today is what makes it so exhilarating for me. I was just out with no expectations and no book. I found a mixed lot of 5 pieces of glass on a table that I could tell were the right color and the right era, but I didn't know what they were. There was a pair of sherberts, a little dessert dish, a salt shaker with no lid, and an ashtray. The ashtray is really what caught my eye. It had a raised well in the middle of it to stub your cigarettes out in, and a really cool pattern on the bottom that kind of looked like deco peacock feathers. I noticed there was an old glass eye-wash next to the group. I have been wanting one, but although there were many made, everyone seems to think they are extraordinarily valuable. Like most things, some are and some aren't, but they all seem to be priced as treasures.

Anyway, the guy told me he would take $5 for the lot, so I bought it, not really knowing what any of it was. I was really excited about the salt shaker - some of them are really valuable - but it is apparently just an old Anchor Hocking shaker, and doesn't go with a pattern I could find in my book. They eye wash I just wanted to use. The ashtray turned out to be a Sunflower pattern ashtray - interesting because that is by far the most attractive piece of Sunflower, which is a pattern I don't really care for. It is worth about $12.50. The two sherberts, which I didn't expect were anything identifiable (the bottoms were unpatterned, and usually that just means generic depression-era glass) turned out to be Spiral pattern. Worth only $2 each, but still. The little dessert bowl turned out to be sick glass with mineral deposits on it when I washed it. But I couldn't find a pattern it matched anyway, so no big deal. I'm tickled with that ashtray.

I saw another etched yellow bowl on my way out that they guy only wanted $4 for, but by that time I had spent all but a dollar of my money. I wish I had bought it. I think it was an undocumented piece of a rare pattern, and as such it could have been worth a lot of money, but by the time I kind of figured out what I thought it was, got the money, and went back, it was gone. I have so much it was hard to be upset about it, and I don't know for sure if it was what I thought it was anyway.

I got home, rested a bit, and ate some lunch. I then decided to clean out closets. I tried very hard to be Ruthless With My Discards, as you are supposed to do. I am unfortunately a prisoner of optimism at times, but I got rid of a bunch of stuff yesterday that I will just never be small enough to wear again. By the time I got done, I had pulled 4 30-gallon garbage bags of clothes out of my closet. And I haven't even been through the stuff in the attic yet.

I checked in with Billy and Russ, got cleaned up, and met them along with Ben and James for dinner, taking Billy's pickles and two of the bags of clothes I thought Billy might want to go through.

We had Chinese buffet at the coconut shrimp place, which maddeningly had everything EXCEPT the coconut shrimp stocked. That pissed both me and Russ off. We watched part of the women's gymnastic event of the Olympics while we ate - they had a couple of big screen TVs at the restaurant - and then went back to Billy and Russ's house for a visit. They went through the clothes, and Russ told me about a consignment-type place that is supposedly buying old clothes. I may take the rest of them by there to see if they'll buy any of them. We talked and smoked and visited until late. It was really good to see everyone. James, in particular, went out of his way to be nice to me. He is a sweet guy. It was really good to get my Sunday night visit in rather than just staying home to get ready for work the next day.

"Queen Mary" or Verticle Ribbed 7" bowl in pink by Hocking, circa 1936-39

An unexpectedly pleasant day.

"Cloverleaf" 4" dessert bowl in green by Hazel Atlas, circa 1930-36

I had kind of blocked today out to sleep, which is what I usually do after a sleep study. Surprisingly however, I actually slept last night. I took an Ambien, so I will pay for it later (Ambien gives me nightmares the night after I take it), but it was worth it to not have to lay there in misery last night. I am SO glad that is over. Hopefully this will be the last one.

When I got home around 6am, I was still a bit groggy from the drugs, but got on the computer and had an email from Justin, from before he left for work. He invited me up for tea today, but I got in touch with him and asked if we couldn't do lunch at the fabulous Thai Taste. He agreed, and it was set.

Since I was going up there anyway, and Justin wasn't free until 11:30, I decided to go through Barnyard flea market up in Duncan. I thought I might run through White Horse road as well, but I needed to eat some breakfast, and since I was going out for lunch, I decided to make it. By the time I got through with that, it was too late to do both, so I just headed for Duncan. As a compromise for not having coffee on the porch, I had a car mug of my best home brewed hazelnut to sip in the car on the way up.

Of course, since I am broke and don't need to be spending the money, I found glass everywhere. I got a 7" Queen Mary bowl for $10, which surprisingly seems to be about all the money on it. I also got two 4" Cloverleaf dessert bowls for $4 each, and they are valued at $20 in my old book. Sadly, one of them has two small chips on it I didn't notice when I bought it. Still, it's probably worth what I paid for it. I didn't have any of that pattern, and I've always liked it. I also got a copy of the movie Ratatouille which of course I just loved. Cooking and Pixar together - what's not to like?

I also found a gorgeous vintage sofa I would have killed for last year - and at a fantastic price. It was killing me. I wouldn't even have to have it re-covered. And the woman only wanted $75 for it! This was after I spent $800 on the one I bought last year, having it re-covered. I was dying. I seriously thought about buying it anyway. But then I have two sofas already (Dad and Eve are giving me their old one this month), and would have had to get rid of one. I also thought about the problems with getting it home. I then called Justin for his vote (thinking he would probably vote for acquisition, as is his wont), but he was a surprising vote of dissent. Taking that for an omen, and since I really didn't need it, and since it would have messed up a good portion of the rest of the day, I let it go. I'm sure I will kick myself for it later.

Leaving Barnyard, I headed on up to Justin's and we went out to lunch. Thai Taste was as fabulous as ever, and it was SO good to see Justin and catch up. We went back to his apartment afterwards and had a good visit. It was just like old times. We talked about books, boys, work, school, and family. To quote Forrest, we were just like peas and carrots again. When I left, he had cleaned out his fridge and gave me a bunch of vegetables and loaned me a whole bag of books to read - that "Twilight" series they are making into a TV show, and which I had been wanting to read.

I had resisted the veggies because I felt like doing some shopping on the way home, but I decided I could make a few stops anyway. I stopped at an antique place that has a really good selection on the way home, but that I seldom go in. They had a set of blue Bubble glass I would really like to have, but I didn't really have the money to shell out $36 for it right now. And I refuse to put glass on a credit card. That is Crossing A Line that I shall not cross again.

I went by the Good Will store then, and dropped off a bag of stuff Justin gave me to take for him. I went in the store, and immediately found a Fire King "Philbe" refrigerator dish lid for $2. That is the second piece of that I have found in a second-hand shop. Apparently all those "loaf pans" I have seen on line are really refrigerator dishes. I don't see a listing for a loaf pan in the pattern listing I have. Justin also loaned me his Collectable Kitchenware book, since he isn't collecting right now. The second miracle of that store was that I found a pair of Ralph Lauren jeans that fit me beautifully for $7.50. That is just unheard of. I wasn't even going to try them on, since I loathe to shop for jeans, but since there was a cool pair of cargo pants I wanted to try, I took the jeans too. Lo and behold. They also make my ass look great - which is practically a miracle of modern engineering. So I'll have them to wear for the Augusta trip in two weeks - bonus! Husbands on the hoof.

By the time I got home I had a full car and I was bushed. I unloaded and put stuff away, then straightened up the house a bit and did some laundry. I threw Ratatouille in the DVD player, cooked up the okra, squash, and zucchini I had for dinner, and put the cucumbers in to make Korean refrigerator pickles out of them for Billy. They are his favorite, and Russ said something about my hanging out with them tomorrow evening. My best intentions of cleaning out closets today fell by the wayside. I was really tired.

Spending money

After work, I ran over to Verizon. An hour later, I emerged triumphant, having gotten the phone number moved to my name. That is the last account that Michael and I had together, so the last (official) tie is cut. I didn't really have time to get broody about that, which was probably a good thing. I called him to tell him he could close his Verizon account now, and he just wanted to talk about work. I guess he is uncomfortable talking to me about personal stuff, both from his natural reserve, and because he's afraid it will upset me.

After that I ran to PetSmart and stocked up on cat stuff, and got cash for the grocery shopping.

Then it was home for a quick dinner, and then got cleaned up for the ^&%$#!! lack of sleep study. I am so not looking forward to another night of misery.

Complications and ponderings

Lots of irons in the fire today.

I have to set up my contract for my own cell phone, since the old one has lapsed.

I have to get cat stuff tonight, I'm out of food and litter.

I am broke as a crow still.

Plus I have that stupid ^&*%$#@!! lack of sleep study tonight.

I talked to mother, and we are scheduling our Fall trip. It will be nice to take one this year, since last year we skipped it because I didn't know when the surgery would be, and the year before was the year Michael and I broke up. That wasn't the funnest of trips.

Right now, I have another dilemma on my mind about a personal relationship, but hopefully that will be resolved by then. I have a younger friend who is about to have a serious adjustment to his life. We used to be close, but since he met his boyfriend, he has pretty much withdrawn completely from me. In the old days if there had been a problem, I would have been there in a heartbeat. If he had said he didn't want anyone around, I would have drug him out of the house, or showed up at his door to make sure he was OK, welcome or not, but things have changed over the last couple of months. I have heard second-hand through a younger friend of his that he doesn't need me anymore, and of late that certainly seems to be the case. So now I don't know where I stand. I don't know if I'm wanted/needed or not. I would feel stupid riding in like the cavalry, only to find a whole platoon already there. And he has way too much going on right now to spend time reassuring or dealing with me. I feel like Pooh Bear, stuck away on a shelf because Christopher Robbin is all grown up.

I had a very busy day at work today. I did three training classes (my throat was very sore after talking for three hours), did my calls, and prepared for my meeting with Alan tomorrow to go over my customers in detail. I got really good feedback on my training classes, which made me feel good.

I also finished my Wodehouse today, so I can start on my Roe Teagarden books.

After work today, I went to see Dad and Eve. They were picking up Cole today to take him to Cherokee on vacation. We all went out to dinner and had a good visit. Cole seemed in good spirits, and looking foward to the trip. I did me good to see him acting a bit like his old self.

After work today, I went to see Russ to get my hair cut. He caught me up on all his latest drama. He was off to Meet in the Middle (for new LOCK folk) afterwards, so I headed out. Rationalizing that I would have gone out to dinner with Russ had he been free, I ate Chinese buffet for dinner.

I fooled around on the computer for a while, then headed to bed. Because of some things that are going on with the Justin situation, I'm feeling kind of mournful. I put in Sense and Sensibility to watch before bed. It's soothing to me. I wish I had a wealthy cousin to offer me a cottage, cluck over me, and worry about my lovelife.

I got the secret to that pasta salad at work today - Yay~! Now I can make it, hopefully. I just have the ingredients, not the proportions, but I figure I can work that out. I was sworn to secrecy over the recipe, so I won't be able to share this one.

After work, despite a fierce craving for nachos, I virtuously went home and ate salad for dinner, then ruined by eating Pop Tarts for dessert. Oh well, you can't be perfect.

I heard from Mom today. They put a new cast on her, and it's on for another three weeks. She still isn't able to put an weight on her foot. Hopefully the next cast will be a walking cast. She is really over it, and I can't blame her. It's been like 9 weeks now since she went into a cast.

I called Granny Brown tonight. It was her birthday yesterday. She's 90. Apparently she had a big day, and several of her sisters came over. They had fried chicken and stuff.

I should have been reading Wodehouse last night, but I vegged in front of the TV instead. At 8 Now Voyager came on. Sigh. I just love that movie. Of course I ended up watching the whole thing. Well, I did get on the computer a bit during some of the scenes with Tina. She kind of gets on my nerves. Bonita Granville was of course wonderful as cousin June. They were doing a salute to Claude Rains last night on TCM. When that went off, they had Mr Skeffington on. An embarrassment of riches. And dammit, every weekend when I have time to watch they always have some John Wayne crap on. I had to go on to bed. Just as well. Skeffington hits a bit close to home for me.

I had a call from Donnie this morning. Apparently Mark had to have a stent put in his heart. A vessel in the back was 90% occluded. Of course I am sympathetic, but I can't help but wonder how much of this is due to that low carb/high fat diet they have both been on for so long. They are both very meat-centric. Of course I am glad that Mark is doing well, and it certainly wasn't the time to say "told you so". Or even think it. Much. Since my dad is the Dick Cheney of Greenville, I hardly have room to talk.

We had free lunch today at work. They make the best pasta salad in the cafeteria. It is really tasty. Some variation of balsamic vinegar and mayo. I'll have to play around with that, or see if I can find out the secret from a friend. I ate too much and had two cookies, so I was not a good boy today.

After work I came home to read. I'm reading a PG Wodehouse I hadn't read before called Hot Water. I just love his books, and it has been years since I read one, having read most of them when I was younger. But I'm itching to start in on those Aurora Teagarden books.

I had a big salad and spinach casserole for dinner, then had Pop Tarts for dessert (they were on sale this week, and they had my fave, unfrosted cinnamon). I figured I'd already blown it for today anyway.

I watched a bit of telly, chatted on the computer for a bit, and went to bed.

"Block Optic" 4" berry bowl in green by Hocking. There are two heights. The 1 1/2" is worth a lot more, but I have the more common 1 3/8" size.

"Block Optic" cone sherbert in green by Hocking, 1929-33

Shopping and cooking*

"Queen Mary" sugar bowl in pink by Hocking, 1936-39

Sunday I got up and decided to go see a guy I know in Anderson. After that, since I was already down there, I went on to the Anderson Jockey Lot. Of course, since I didn't have any money, there was a lot of glass down there today. I found two pink Queen Mary sugar bowls. One was at a table for a seller who I know prices things high - I didn't even ask about the price. They also had a crystal Royal Lace sugar bowl, but I already have one of those. Going on a bit further, a regular yard sale guy had another pink Queen Mary sugar priced with an oval pink Manhattan creamer for $3. This one had a couple of flea bite chips out of the ribs, but I bought it anyway. I would have taken the creamer for Justin, even though it was pretty chipped up, but it was pink, and he doesn't like the pink glass. So I paid the guy the full $3 (I should have bargained down), and just took the sugar bowl.

Going on down the hill, I found a Block Optic cone sherbert and berry bowl for $1 each. I bought them. They were just isolated pieces this woman had found in her sister's house after she died. She knew they were something, but didn't know what they were. I talked to her a bit about them when I bought them. Some people hear the word Depression Glass and automatically think they have something worth a fortune, but these were just odd pieces of a pattern that isn't that expensive. She told me to enjoy them and sent me on.

That was it for the glass for the most part, except for some crystal pieces I didn't want, and a woman down there who has her stuff priced at full retail. I got some fruit and veggies and came on home, since it was really hot by this time.

I got home, loaded up the recycling, and as a reward for hauling that off, I treated myself to some spinach dip and about a gallon of sweet tea at a Mexican place I like. I walked in with a book, to see another guy there, about mid 50's to early 60's, also eating alone and reading. I wonder if that is me in 10-15 years. They seated me right across from him, so it was kind of weird - like a glimpse into my future. But I started reading, and he left.

After lunch I went home and tried to sleep for a bit, but no dice. I ended up watching Showgirls again. I can see how it has become a cult classic with lesbians. I find it fascinating how unremittingly horrible it is. Plus I'm sure they like all the gratuitous boob shots. I think it is hilarious how they drew in animated "tops" on the girls for TV. I love watching the tops shift around to keep the boobs covered. There is an anniversary edition out with commentary by John Waters. I am dying to see it, but not sure I want to own it. But I will admit, I watched it through. Again.

After that, I got it together and decided to get some stuff done. I straightened up the house a bit, got cleaned up, and went to the library. They finally had the second Aurora Teagarden mystery in and on hold for me. Then I did the grocery shopping. I felt like I needed some green leafies, so I am having caesar salad for dinner next week, and I made a spinach, potato, and parmesean casserole to eat on for lunch. It has leeks, broccoli, and onions thrown in for good measure. That ought to fix me up on greens for a bit. I turned on Sexy Boots on BBC America while I was cooking and doing laundry. I am pretty pumped that I get BBC America again. I'm not supposed to on the cable package I'm on right now, but I found out last week by accident that I am getting a bunch of extra channels. I'm watching them, but this may well undermine my decision to go down to strict basic cable at the end of the 6 month trial period. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it I guess.

I ate dinner watching the Fox lineup, and then went to bed. I have a major week ahead. I'm getting my hair cut Wed night, I have the training classes this week, month end to finish, and to top it all off - that @#$%&*)!! lack of sleep study Friday night.