A post in which I hat some more, and think

When I woke up this morning, I decided that I was looking at the glass as half empty, and I needed to concentrate on the full part. I need to wait until this week is over and see how Al's job goes rather than jump to conclusions. The chemistry thing may not even work in real life, although I think it will. It is just so hard to be patient. I want this so badly, and to have to wait a week longer is like being a child and having to look at that big package under the tree. It just feels like Christmas is never going to freakin get here. We texted back and forth all day today. Al sent me some more pics of himself, and I sent him some of me.

Complicating my feelings, Jason called today. Apparently he isn't very happy in Raleigh. He tells me that his job, though lucrative, is very demanding, and that he really hasn't had time for much of a personal life. He says that he thinks about me every day, and that if there was an opening in Greenville he would really like to move back here. His parents are here, and his friend Rodney, and he'd really like to see more of them both. He's coming to town the first weekend May, and he wants to see me. I put it on my calendar, but still don't know how I feel about that.

On the way home I went by the craft store to get some padding for the inside of my hat, and found exactly what I was looking for. I can't tell you how rare that is. I virtuously avoided going to pig out tonight, which was what I really wanted to do. I went home and ate a sensible meal out of the freezer. I worked on my hat. I think I am finally finished tying strings of beads, for which I am very grateful. I have to figure some stuff out though. I think the hard part is over though. I glued the liner in it tonight, clamped it, and put it aside gratefully.

I got my acceptance email from Lady Beth today, and my proposed menu has been approved. So now it's just a matter of putting stuff together, and I can do that.

I checked the dates for SELF to I could ask for the days off tomorrw. So I'm getting things settled and set up.

Just as I was thinking about going to bed, the phone rang, and it was Al and Mike! I rarely hear from them, but we've been meeting each other down at River's Edge every summer for years and years. They are both sweet guys. I talked to them until bedtime.

A post in which I look a gift horse in the mouth, and finally start hatting again

Eventually.

I did start off the day by calling Al. He came through the kinky talk OK, so I wanted to get some other things out of the way so I could quit worrying about them. He came through it all in stride, and he has a great voice.

I went to the grocery store on the way home, ate dibs and dabs out of the fridge, washed the shower curtain, etc. But I finally got the hat out and got back to work tonight. Thank goodness. I did make some good progress, and I don't think it will be a problem to finish.

Al and I have stayed in touch, and talked all day today. He actually sent me a very nice and reassuring message after our talk this morning.

He is a sweet, funny man, but I can't help but wonder about his job. He just seems to work all. the. time. I tried seeing if he could go to dinner tonight, but he apparently is required to put in a 12-15 hour day each day this week since the GM is out on vacation. He is "supposed to" be off on Thursday, but apparently his schedule changes constantly. I'm thinking who can live this way?

It also takes me back to one of the frustrations with Michael. He was *never* off work the entire time we were together. He was always on call. We would have to pull off the highway for him to call his boss with answers to inane questions on trips. When we were in Hawaii we spent mornings looking for wi-fi areas that would allow him to update the website. But at least he could go places. It seems like this guy just lives at the store where he works.

He has told me that this is an exceptional week, but I kind of have the feeling that it isn't. Am I projecting all this on him? Am I just looking for something wrong with any guy who gets interested, however peripherally? He did tell me that he never gets weekends off. One of the reasons I want to have someone is to go places and do things with, and that doesn't seem as if it will be much of an option here. I mean, what's the point of having a boyfriend if I still have to go to all the parties by myself? I don't want to look back on my life and see years of waiting to get to see my lover because he worked all the time. But then again, I suppose it could be worse to look back and to have never been special to anyone at all. I'm torn.

He's a sweet guy. And I like him a lot. But tonight I am discouraged.

A post in which we have a reunion cookout

I was up bright and early, but wasted so much time online talking with Al and on Bear411 that I wasn't ready when Russ and Billy got there to pick me up. But I was ready shortly, and we were off to Anderson.

I really just kind of went down for the walk today and to spend some time with Russ. I needed some produce too, but the produce was pretty sucky today. As we walked up the first row, I saw an Old Cafe Ruby Red mint dish for sale. Now I had bought one at the beach with Mother a couple of years ago, but was very disappointed when I got it home because it was sick glass. I looked this one over carefully, and it was in great shape. So I picked it up for $10.

Old Cafe mint dish in Ruby Red by Anchor Hocking, circa 1936-1940

We walked on a bit further, Billy and I appreciating the extra-generous percentage of hotties out today, and I found a 7" Fire King Jadeite Swirl mixing bowl. I have some of the others of the set, but didn't think had this one. It wasn't the elusive 5" bowl, but then they are scarce as hen's teeth. I bought this one for $8, which was pretty much a steal.

7" Fire King Jadeite Swirl mixing bowl, circa 1940's

Walking on a bit further, I saw a found a set of Horseshoe plates. Horseshoe is one of those rare patterns that you usually just don't see at all. Three of the five were a bit chipped (apparently one had gotten broken at some point), but for a dollar each, I just couldn't resist. They are so pretty.

No. 612 "Horseshoe" 8 3/8" salad plate in green by Indiana Glass, circa 1930-1933

We nosed around inside for a while, and briefly visited with a friend out there. I talked to a guy about having some stripes put on Gracine, and Billy and I discussed the cardiac episode my father would have if I pulled into his driveway with eyelash decals mounted above my headlights.

But we had to head on back. Billy had been discussing a cookout this evening, and since I had plans with Jeff and James, he invited us all over. There had been some Drama a while back, and Russ and Billy hadn't seen much of James since. There were negotiations, because Ben (James's ex) was coming with his new boyfriend Willie, and then Russ's feelings got hurt because we had misunderstood him earlier and poo-pooed his (we thought) idea for a Jerry Springer-like reveal where we invited them all and didn't tell them, but in the end everyone was OK and it was all fine.

I went home and took a nap. Jeff and James were coming down later for us to go buy the paint for my bedroom, and for them to look at colors for painting their house. At the moment though, I thought I needed the extra sleep more than I needed to have a perfect (or even reasonably clean) house when they arrived.

That lasted until I woke up, and realized that my house looked like an old junk car lot. Everything was covered in pollen because I've had the windows open lately whenever possible. I got out the duster and the vacuum and did the flight of the bumble bee through the house, trying to make it look as if someone civilized lived there. The consequence of this was that I hadn't showered when they got to the house. I hated to make them wait, but them's the breaks sometimes.

We went on to Home Depot to get the paint. I gave the friendly paint man my swatches, and while he mixed colors we looked at exterior colors for their house. I was basically no help at all. They knew what they wanted, and the debate was mainly about hues, on which subject they pretty much dismissed my suggestions, other than to go outside to look at the colors. It is absolutely impossible to pick out colors in the store. There is no scrap of any light found in nature inside, and the colors look completely different in sunlight. James was taking one color sample out at a time, so eventually I just started grabbin handfuls and following him out.

We got that basically settled, but my ceiling color didn't come out right. To the point that the paint man agreed that the color was wrong. So he had to re-mix both gallons. By this time, Billy was texting us to find out where we were. But there was little we could do. We got the paint, ran by the house to drop it off, and dashed for Billy and Russ's house.

Ben and Willie were already there, and there was remarkably little awkwardness. There were a few moments where things could have gone odd, but I was prepared to just wade right in with a tirade of words and an attempt at a charm offensive. Very little of that was needed though, and we had a lovely visit. We sat out on the deck to eat, and it was just beautiful. After supper we had a post-prandial smoke and just settled in to enjoy each other's company.

We did move in later because Billy said the mosquitoes are already out, plus it was getting a bit nippy to be outside in shorts, but everyone had a really good time. It was a great evening.

But I didn't get a ^&%%$$#!! thing done on my hat today.

A post in which I completely waste a Saturday, except the evening

Well I would love to tell you that I was responsible and worked in on my hat today. Or worked in the yard. Or indeed did anything productive, but that would be a lie. Well I did wash one of my winter coats so I could put it away. That’s it.

I procrastinated today, and wasted time online. I talked to a couple of guys, but I had a message on Bear411 from a guy named Al. I had looked at his profile before, and was going to message him, but then didn’t. I don’t remember why now. Anyway, I had winked at him or something last night, and had a very sweet message back from him today that got the dialogue going. We ended up spending most of the day today instant messaging back and forth. He’s a really nice guy. And he’s good looking. And he’s funny, which I love. And he seems to think I am the bee’s knees.

But being me, I had to find out what’s wrong with him; which I did. He works - compulsively, and apparently all the time. He is a manager for a drugstore, and they seem to feel completely justified in preventing any kind of personal life. No weekends off. Mandatory six-day weeks for management from the last week of November through December. Geez, and I thought Michael’s schedule was bad. Since the GM is on vacation this week, he apparently has to be there pretty much when he’s awake.

But it is nice to have some hope on the horizon.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, George is giving me fits. Fits, I tells ya! I am getting a lot of practice at my Western grip.

I got a text from Billy around 6 or so, inviting me out to dinner with them. Since I had just been wishing I would get the ^&%%^$#!!~ out of the house, I was thrilled to accept. We went to Miyako for sushi, and I have to say I think their food just keeps getting better. I think they are better than Irashai was, even in the old days when they were in that building. Of course, since they have moved, Irashai is awful now.

So we had excellent sushi, and I got some quality Russ and Billy time in. I love them so much. It had been too long since we just hung out. After supper we went back to the house and just visited and talked until late. Russ and I made plans to go to the flea market tomorrow, which effectively kills Sunday for getting anything done, since I made plans with Jeff and James for tomorrow.

In other words, next week will be insanely busy. But I don’t care right now. I’m enjoying being able to spend some time with my friends too much.

A frustrating Friday evening*

It was a pretty quiet day today. Alan was out, the monthly reports were done, and so I just had me regular job to do, which was a refreshing change.

After work I would love to say that I went right home and worked on my hat, but I did not.
I rode by my friends Randy and John’s coffee shop to see them, but they weren’t there.

So I went on home, got stuck in online and wasted the entire evening there. I tried to fall into the Manhunt vortex, which was really where I felt that I needed to be tonight, but no dice. I got stood up twice.

Eventually I did have a buddy show up for a very short visit. Prolly shouldn’t have done it. But I felt like I needed to. After that I went to bed. But it was a frustrating waste of an evening.

A post in which I have Spring Fever

Pretty badly.

This afternoon I suddenly had an indescribable craving for coconut cake. I mean I just went bestial. I could have squatted over one and dug chunks out of it with my hand, grunting "Cake. Good." But apparently I have just lost control of all of my appetites.

I was feeling very irresponsible when I got off work. It was raining, though, which kept me from going out to find a place to roll naked in the grass or something. I ran by Publix to get some coffee, since I was almost out. The bottom dropped out just as I pulled in to the parking lot, of course. I decided not to get out in that madness, but I wasn’t about to leave without my coffee. If ever I doubted my coffee addiction, it was proven today. I sat in the car and waited for it to slack off a bit, then promptly stepped into a four-inch deep puddle when I got out of the car, drenching my feet. Nice.

By the time I got home, though, it had almost stopped. I went on in the house to responsibly eat my homemade food, but got on the computer and just pretty much fell into it. I went on Manhunt and chatted, but didn’t get drawn into the vortex (despite efforts). I also went on Bear411 and chatted on there for a while. The guy from CO has stopped messaging me. Just as well I guess.

I talked to Gurry, a guy I knew years ago who is back in touch. I also started talking to a younger guy named Sean. I had looked at his profile, and he’s cute, but he’s 25, with all the inherent difficulties. Old movies to him are from the 80s. The 1980s. He subscribes to the 'cult of masculinity' culture that swept the gay community in the 90s (and is fairly defensive about it). He does read though, which is a plus. So I’m chatting with this guy and trying to find something in common, and really he’s cute and all, but it’s so not working. He’s so much younger. He still goes to bars. But at least he’s local.

But all I can think about is men. Well, men, food, and sleep. I can’t seem to get caught up on sleep from last week, but I have incessant hormones and appetite to deal with too. I just want to throw some guy down, smear food on him, eat it off, fuck the daylights out of him, and then throw one paw across him to prevent his escape and go to sleep.

I also talked to a guy named Allen. He owns a hotel up near Asheville, and we’ve been virtually sniffing around each other for years, but things have just never fallen into place. I would really like to go meet him though.

Of course, since I was on Manhunt, two married guys were talking to me. One of them I've known for a while. He's unhappy with his lover, but not really willing to do anything about it. The other is new to town, and apparently really wants to cheat on his lover, but can't admit it to himself. As a consequence, he's trying to set up assignations with 8,700 'ground rules' so that he can justify to himself that it isn't really cheating, before just not showing up at all. Geez. He was easy enough to get rid of. I just called his bluff and he went screaming into the night (or at least away from his keyboard).

So I spent all evening on the computer chasing men to watch them run, or pining over long-distance guys, and basically just feeling like I’d like to connect with someone again. It would be nice to have a date.

Yeah, so officially so much for the fading libido of an aging lothario, which is what I thought was happening around January. George has awoken from hibernation with a vengeance, and he’s pretty much giving me no peace. Sigh.

I did no hatting tonight. Bad, naughty, wicked Steve. Lighting the Grail-shaped (or perhaps phallic-shaped) beacon and all.

I’m officially sick to death of babying this tattoo. It’s been almost two weeks now, come on! I'm like heal up already!! There is one place that got scabby, and it just will not turn loose, plus it’s itching like crazy and I can’t scratch it. I love having them, but man do I HATE taking care of them while they heal!

Basically, I'm just discombobulated and unsatisfied.

A post in which I finally receive a visit from the Muse, and begin to Hat

It was a strange day today. Good, but strange.

I’m still trying to lose weight, so I’m hungry a lot. I have this Hat Party coming up, and no real inspiration, plus I have a service date coming up with no menu planned, and the Atlanta trip to see Myz Shay is waiting on Rhonda, who I think I’m going to have to chase down to try to be good to her. Usually when I have this kind of thing going on, I feel all frazzled, the psychic ends flapping around me in a jumble like a mental frustration pencil. But I don’t feel that way. I feel like everything’s gonna work out and be just fine. I feel calm and pleasantly optimistic. I never really knew why people said someone was ‘collected’ before, but that’s how I feel – collected; as if all the ends were tucked in, and my mind was just a neat, cool, self-contained package.

Unusual for me. Wish I knew where this was coming from, I’d like to get used to it.

I did make some calls today to ask some pretty amused people if I could buy a pith helmet from them, but no dice.

After work today I decided that I was going to suck it up, go to Wal-Mart, look around for a bit, and hope that inspiration would strike. Sometimes you just have to court the Muse a bit. I had a bunch of beads and stuff I bought for my hat (the theme this year is Mardi Gras), but really had only the vaguest of ideas what I was going to do with them. And no hat base – which is really key. I hate going to Wal-Mart, but they have a craft section (although it is now much smaller and more poorly stocked than it used to be), a garden department (garden hats, plus you never know when you’re going to find some odd container that might make a good hat base), and I figured they would just have some plain ole hats too (they did, but not the kind I wanted).

Inspiration did indeed strike in the lawn & garden department. After a quick Felliniesque moment walking around with a piece of garden equipment on my head, I had my base. And yay, finally. It was good that inspiration struck rather quickly. I had to get home to pay Khavis, the very nice boy who cuts my grass. He was coming today, for which I was very grateful.

As luck would have it, though, I got struck by inspiration again on the way home, and had to stop off at the Kmart for another hat element. I hate the Kmart near my house. As much as I loathe Wal-Mart, and will indeed shop most anywhere else, I dread going in the Kmart near my house. "Why?" you might well ask. Well first of all, they stock some shelves once every 6-8 months, whether they think they need it or not. Generally, they just run out of stuff and then just never have it again. Also, despite the season, day of the week, or pending hurricane, they have *two*, (and only TWO) checkers on duty. Occasionally during Christmas they’ll have a couple extra, but generally be it Monday at closing or Saturday afternoon, they have two. Period. One of them is always caught up in some kind of dispute, or about to go on break. That leaves One. Line. Open. Almost always with 87 people waiting to check out. Tonight I had a choice of the 87-person line, or the one with a woman who had some kind of issue. I chose the issue line, so of course it went on forever. The woman had found some coupon that was apparently from the late Triassic, but was supposed to still be good. The evaluation took quite some time, involving a leisurely stroll to the service desk, a protracted perusal by both the checker and the manager, and the manager’s return to the register with the checker to actually ring in said coupon, followed by the inevitable wrestling with the cash register which, access code or not, was having none of it. This is how I spend my off hours.

At any rate, I did eventually get home, to find my grass mowed. Lovely. I really, really love having staff. I don't know what I'm going to do when he goes off to college, but I'm not borrowing trouble. He's such a nice kid, and really seems to care about doing a good job - so rare these days. I called Khavis and paid him, but in truth I just couldn’t wait to get started on my hat. So I did. It went well; I have to say, better than I had anticipated. I didn’t finish, of course, but I made some good headway and was pleased.

By about 8:30 I was tired of doing that, so I decided to take a break and read for a while before I went to bed. It was a good evening. I am SO glad that I have a start on my hat. It looks like I should be able to finish it by next weekend, no problem (crossing fingers), which will free up next week for me to prep for my service date. Apparently that confident feeling was justified after all. If I can just avoid public retail space for the next week or so, things will be dangerously close to perfect…