A post about "Dom Drop" or "sub drop"

So in reviewing the stats on this blog, it's a little embarrassing for me to admit that the most hits in any given day are on a post I did back in 2008 about a 'Dom Drop' day I was having.  So I guess I'll give the people what they want.  I DO appreciate you folks. 

For regular readers, you know that I have a kinky side (which, sadly, has not been indulged of late).  Part of expressing your kinkiness is that transition back to the 'real' world after a great scene or event you have experieinced.  The name for that transition is called Dom Drop.  I understand from a much more experienced person that this is also sometimes called 'sub drop'.

Dom Drop is more complex than just the usual little blue period you have after any vacation, trip, great sex, or whatever.  Emotionally I have compared it to feeling like dryer lint.  I just seem to attract/trap every kind of negative feeling - angry, sad, confused, helpless - and they seem to be amplified.  Everything seems like a bigger deal than it really is.  Everything seems kind of like the end of the world.  I find myself on the brink of despair or on the verge of tears over things that on a normal day would be relatively minor.

When I have described this feeling to women friends of mine, they look at each other and say "P.M.S."  (or if you're in the UK, P.M.T.)  Having never had PMS, I can't say, but it seems to jibe from what I read about it. 

If you think about it, it makes sense.  You've been coasting on an endorphin high for hours (or days).  It's kind of like emotionally stepping off the escalator - it takes you a step or two to get your bearings.  I do BDSM more for spiritual reasons than many people I have talked to, but there is a definite mental element to BDSM play for everyone - acknowledeged or not.  (I have often said that if good sex is at least 60% mental, then good BDSM has to be about 80% mental.)  One of the big attractions for me is that BDSM strips away all the bullshit of the everyday world, and I can step out to be my best, my truest self.  I love to be a Good Boy.  However demanding or confusing your Dom or Domme might be, generally the demands placed on you in a scene or at an event are more simple, more clear cut, more direct (and more logical) than those of the outside world.  Leaving that place of clarity - that place where you and those around you know your place, what you should be doing, and actually approve of (or at the very least allow) that can be jarring.  I hate to keep comparing it to intoxication, but that's the best metaphor I can think of - and like intoxication, it can come with a wicked hang-over.  Having cast off the bullshit for a while, I feel kind of like a crab that has shed it's shell (and you could argue that you do this too in order to grow, if I may be allowed to extend the metaphor) - hyper-sensitive and kind of 'soft' for a while.

The first time I experienced this feeling I had no idea what was going on.  I had heard the term 'Dom Drop', but until you have experienced it (as with many things), it's hard to understand.  I felt like I had stuffed myself on a too-rich dessert.  In the aftermath, it all seemed like too much, and it actually turned me off of the life temporarily. 

Fortunately, I came back.  I'm going to share some things that helped me and some ideas for what might help you.  Like most things BDSM, Drop is of course extremely personal and maddeningly subjective.  I hope this helps.

1. Know what you're in for.  If you're reading this it may be too late for that, but after future scenes, you'll know this is coming.  That brings me to:

2. Be aware of what's happening.  I have found that it helps me immeasurably to actually realize "Hey, wait a minute.  I know what's going on here..."  That helps me take that crucial step back, and once I do, many times I find things much easier to deal with.  Really.   

3. Have a good partner.  Although I am somewhat of a libertine (I think that sounds classier than ho) in my sexual life, I am generally pretty selective about with whom I do BDSM play.  This goes back to the trust issue.  You are playing (and allowing someone access to) deep in the toybox.  The more intense the play, the more you need a partner you can trust to do the after-work with you, talk to you, do what you need to help get you through it.  A lot of times a top will schedule a check-back with you to be sure you're OK.  I've had tops assign me 'homework' - an email about the whole scene.  First to lay out for them where I was, and make them more a part of that; and second to help me process all that happened.  Even if there isn't one scheduled, you may find that your partner will call you to check in.  It could be disguised as a 'Hihowyadoin' call.  The first time a BDSM partner called to do a check-back on me, I had no idea what he was even doing!  It was years later before I finally put the pieces together.  I am using partner here on purpose.  There is nothing that says that you have to be a top to make a check-in call.  Just sayin'. 

(**While I"m here, I'm just going to reiterate something.  I'm writing from a bottom's perspective because for the most part that is what my experience has been.  BUT there is no way you can over-estimate the power of reassurance.  I think that goes for a lot of tops too - I've done both.  I really never get tired of hearing that I've been a Good Boy (!!) just typing it gives me a little frisson (and I'm smiling too - just typing it).  My leather sister tells me that being able to replay that reassurance later can be a precious and helpful thing for her.  I know as a top it's gratifying to hear my partner has had a good time.  I think there is a respectful way to do that, and I don't know of any top who wouldn't appreciate it.)

4. You know you.  Hopefully you have a good partner, but whether you do or not, you know the things that you need when you're upset.  Maybe you have certain music that you listen to, or maybe you curl up with a snuggly quilt, comfy t-shirt, etc.  Maybe you watch a favorite movie, or have some special cookies that you don't buy yourself that often.  Call a good friend who understands and will listen.  A leather sister of mine says that it helps her to connect with someone who was actually at the scene, to talk about what happened, and kind of resurrect some of the magic; kind of like spiritual methadone.  Sometimes you have to suck your thumb a little (metaphorically or not).  Give yourself permission, and make the time to do it.

I've had limited success with 'scheduling' my drop.  I used to take a day off work after an event to allow myself time to come down, but emotions are not usually that convenient and accommodating.  I found that I started 'coasting' through the extra day off, and just dropped afterwards - usually at the most inconvenient time.  So I quit taking that extra time off. 

The good news is that I found that as I became more experienced, the drop wasn't as severe.  I've been on hiatus for a while now (I had a serious illness in 2011 and spent about a year in diagnosis, treatment, and dealing with complications.  I haven't tried my wings again since then.), so I'm not sure if I'll have to start over or not - maybe that will be the next post? 

The hits show me that there is interest in this - and an apparent dearth of information available.  I hope that something I've written here will help someone.  If you're in the midst right now, remember that this is temporary.  It will pass.  I hope that for you it will become less severe in the future, as it has for me.  In the meantime, congratulations on having a scene that moved you enough to have a bit of withdrawal.  Good for you(!!), and I hope you feel better soon.