My issues with the "cult of masculinity" in the gay community

*** Here's today's rant.

Unfortunately, the bear scene has been swept with the same "cult of masculinity" that took root in the gay community at large during the 90's. My theory is that this was part of the assimilationist movement at that time. We were supposed to show the world that we were just like everyone else, which of course for the most part we ARE, but one of the ways that we were supposed to do this was by not acting femmy, because that makes straight people uncomfortable. Then we started to believe it ourselves. So, in a similar move to the Catholic Church, it was decreed OK to be gay, as long as you didn't act that way (other than being conspicuously well-dressed, and having copious amounts of sex with other men, anyway).

This movement was also an outgrowth of the HIV witch hunts of the late 80s/early 90s. AIDS was even scarier at the time - originally no one knew what caused it. All they knew was that gay men were getting it. Since they couldn't isolate the contagion, they opted for ostracism of the recognizably gay. The effeminate became the modern leper. And the gay community was in many ways just as bad - particularly the closeted self-hating members of the gay community in the south. It was as if by rejecting the "gay" part of the gay community, we could insulate ourselves from the disease. It was ridiculous, and of course completely unfair, but then that is the nature of prejudice.

Now the bear group has a fairly strict social hierarchy, which is one of the things we were trying to get away from in the gay community at large. One of the reasons for the founding of the bear community was as a backlash against the ridiculous body-image expectations of the gay community at large. No one can remain perpetually 22 years old and hairless with 2% body fat. Now in the bear scene you're supposed to look and act like a lumberjack at all times. You are suppose to be a "muscle bear", meaning that it's OK to be hairy, as long as you are bearded, manly, have biceps the size of, or larger than, your waist (is this sounding familiar?). Needless to say, there are precious few able to maintain these standards, but they are worshiped as gods.

At the very least you are always supposed to be "butch". "Butch", for those of you not aware, means "straight-acting", although that phrase is now politically incorrect. I have never liked the phrase straight-acting, even when it was used with reckless abandon. (This is not a Steve original) I agree with those who feel that we shouldn't have to "act" in our personal life. (Queue my stuff) I spend far too much time acting as it is. When I get a chance to be myself, I like to enjoy it. And I want to be around others who are themselves as well. Secondly, I have never found MOST straight guys that attractive, despite what they seem to believe. Yes, some of them are physically attractive, but once you get beyond your 20's, hopefully you begin to realize that hormones don't run your entire life (just brief, often tragically regretted parts of it). Why would I want to be with a man who has to be dragged to the theater? A man who would wear ugly clothes and be insensitive? A man who has no interest in the things I do, and feels that beige is a color, and that white walls are completely acceptable? A man who feels that beer advertisements are decor? A man who considers "hungry-man" frozen entrees to be edible? A man who is compelled by those stupid Hardee's (or Carl Jr's) ads? Answer, I wouldn't. At least for not more that two hours at the most. I have no desire to "convert" a straight man. It's just too much damn work, and it's hard enough breaking in a new boyfriend to my dish towel system already.

And where is it OK to be gay if not within the gay community? It makes me nuts.

So, to try to bring this entry back on track. We, the bears, who were supposed to eschew the strict hierarchy of the gym bunny/muscle queens, now discriminate within our own ranks. It makes me sad. And it is terribly unfair. Some of the strongest, most admirable people I know have been some of the most effeminate. Because these are the guys who have to be gay all the time. They are the ones who are snickered at at the mall. They are the ones whose customers and co-workers talk behind their backs. They are the ones targeted when people say they don't mind homosexuals as long as they aren't "flaming". When I go to the grocery store at the end of a long day, if I'm tired, no one has to know that I'm gay. I can fly under the radar. That is not the case for an effeminate man. Honey, it takes big brass balls to be gay at the DMV on a Monday morning. But still, many continue, and thrive, and bloom where they're planted. And God bless 'em.

But these same people, who suffer disproportionately the slings and arrows of an unkind world, are also discriminated against by other homosexuals. It makes me sad. I remember all too well what it feels like to be the last one picked for teams. The one nobody wants. I never want to make anyone else feel that way. Why we would want to spend out childhoods under the miserable tyranny of the playground bullies, only to grow up to do the same thing to others in our own community is just beyond me.