A visit with BB

I finally went to see BB (my grandmother) in the nursing home tonight. I have needed to go see her for a while, but one thing after another kept coming up. I’m glad I went. She looks old, but not that much different than she has for a while. She’s in her 80’s, and not at all worried about convention any longer, as well she shouldn’t. She refuses to wear her teeth. But once you’re already in the home, I wouldn’t wear mine either if I didn’t want to. It was good to see her. She was glad to see me, and contrary to the family’s belief and contention, she was sharp as a tack around me, as she always has been. I took her some of the brownies I made Saturday night. She tells me the food there isn't very good.

Family concerns, not surprisingly, are her main thoughts at this point. My uncle died on New Year’s Day this year, and he was always her favorite child. I was afraid she might be depressed over his death, and I know she misses him. She talked about him some. But despite all of that, and being sick for the last month (she was too sick to go to his funeral), she was in amazingly good spirits.

She is the first member of her family to go into a nursing home. She nursed her mother at home (with help) until she died at 86. It’s like a family pact has been broken, but by no means the first. She’s not bitter about it though, amazingly. Despite being more frail, she was much as she has always been. She’s making the best of her situation, and getting by as best she can. It’s amazing to me. She is the real example of “bloom where you’re planted”. She has not had an easy life, at least in later years.

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The daughter of a wealthy widow, she was a debutante. My great grandfather (the second husband) ran for Senate, but was defeated in a landslide when it was released to the public that he was (gasp!) a divorcee with a second wife. This was during the 30’s, and that was pretty scandalous.

She went to college, more to have a good time than to get an education – her sister Margaret was the scholar, BB was the socialite. While attending Furman (this was when it was an all-girl’s school), she went to a basketball game, and afterwards met one of the handsome players, whom she later married. He was a Yankee, which led to some interesting situations:

- At one point, she ended up staying in his family’s large farmhouse up North during the dead of winter. BB had never had a fireplace in her room, and her fire when out when she failed to stoke it before going to bed. His grandmother later found her half-frozen, huddling in her bed wrapped in her fur coat. She spent the rest of the night sleeping with his grandmother.

- Her relatives were horrified when she picked and cooked field peas for the family – they were grown only for livestock food up North at the time. She was trying to make a good impression as a homemaker and good wife candidate.

- At parties, his friends would get drunk and have her read aloud in her Southern accent, to their great amusement.

- At one point during their courtship, he had flowers delivered to her. He ordered $50 worth of Gardenias, which at that time were hard to get, and very expensive and fashionable up north. When they pulled a lawn truck up in the yard, and dumped a load of Gardenias, my grandmother was infuriated and embarrassed that he would basically send her a load of what amounted to yard trimmings down here.

When they married, BB’s wedding photo was on the front page of the Greenville News. By all accounts, they were very much in love, and very happy together. He was very much a ‘man’s man’, but loved to cook, which worked out well, because BB didn’t really enjoy the kitchen.

Unfortunately, my grandfather’s business ventures weren’t very successful. He had not been raised to work, and one venture after another failed spectacularly. Eventually, they moved back down here, and lived with my great-grandmother. BB worked for a time as a surgical technician, and had some very interesting stories to tell about the goings-on in the hospital, but eventually had to retire early when she had problems with her eyesight.

My step-mother (hereafter referred to as simply Mom) and her brother (the infamous Uncle Humpy {a family nickname I will thankfully not inherit, however appropriate it may or may not be}) had a privileged childhood. They had a summer home at the shore, and a nanny/housekeeper. They weren’t really raised to work either.

The money in the family passed from woman to woman, in the form of a trust that was handed down. The women in the family (historically long-lived) lived off the interest from the trust. Unfortunately, that all ended when Uncle Humpy moved back home. He talked BB into overriding the trust, and spent the entire principal on a failed business venture.

BB had made the move from the big family homestead in Easley, SC, to an apartment, to be closer to us, and because the upkeep on the house was too much at that point. She was widowed and her mother had died – she wanted a fresh start. After the trust was gone, she had to declare bankruptcy and move into a small section-8 apartment, which she spiffed up with remaining family antiques. She made the best of it. The apartment was less than 500 square feet, but she told me that was all she needed. The woman who once had a gardener and a bank of prize camellias (hand-washed to keep them pest-free), went first to a patio garden, and then to a few flowers wedged in among the bushes in the two square feet of dirt under her apartment window. She set up housekeeping, and lived there contentedly until her health gave out.

My step-mom and her brother have fought for years, and things came to a head when he was hospitalized a few years ago. He was living with BB (again) at the time. He was not expected to live at the time. He was in a coma and liver and kidney failure. Mom talked BB into putting a no-code on his file. Amazingly, he lived and (after a bout of dementia) accused Mom of plotting with my sister Cindy of trying to kill him. This deepened a family schism which BB was already very upset about. There were heated words all around, and BB and Mom were estranged for several years. Cindy still will not speak to BB.

Shortly before his death though, BB, Humpy, and Mom had started talking again, and I am glad of that. She has need of Mom now. Uncle Humpy’s common-law wife (a whole ‘nother story) held the Power of Attorney, but after a falling-out over his ashes, she washed her hands of BB. So she continues, her favorite child and her husband gone, her health failing; but making friends with the staff, and finding her way to make the place her own. A notorious late sleeper, she has the staff bathing her last and letting her skip breakfast to sleep late. They bring her in coffee from Starbucks sometimes, since the coffee there isn't good. It made me smile to see the glimmers of the old her still inside this old woman that doesn't seem like my BB on the outside.