A long, long day

Today was strange. I was in kind of a fugue state all day.

I had another difficult run-in with a customer at work. We won't re-open his account, and so he has been sending me taunting nasty emails all week. I wonder what kind of perverse nature it takes to launch a campaign like that. He has convinced himself, of course, that the problems on his account were all our fault. Usually, I just let stuff like that roll off of me, but it seems I am increasingly unable to filter or compartmentalize things like that. Maybe it's just because I'm so tired. I woke up tired, and was tired all day.

I'm also contemplating the nature and cost of freedom. When I went on the cruise last year, the New York guys were amazed that I was living open and out in South Carolina. In some ways I have been very lucky. I am very good at something no one else really wants to do. But I spend my days holding in the need to tell some asshole off who really deserves it. It takes a lot out of me. More so than just speaking my mind and moving on.

But there have been costs.

- My college education, which my dad was originally willing to pay for, was derailed, and was never completed. My father couldn't deal with the fact that I was out of his control at school, so he pulled me out and brought me home to go to community college. After a taste of freedom, I moved back home and did as he dictated. During the time at home, I was required to lie to him, and supplement his denial to enable him not to deal with the reality I was gay. At that point, things were so hard, all I could really think about was getting OUT. But I persevered and got my Associates Degree. It's not much, but it enabled me to get my foot in the door for the job I have now. Part of that was being in the right place at the right time too.

- When I finally moved out, I told my father I would no longer be in his life if he would not accept all of me - even the parts he didn't like. Our relationship has it's ups and downs, but it has never been the same.

- I guess I'll never know the doors my being out in the workplace has closed. I have worked for the last ten years with no promotion. But I'm still working.

- Friendships have changed with people I know cared about me, but couldn't understand my demand that I be treated as an equal in every way. I am a gay guy, and have no problem with that, but I am no one's lapdog. I won't be party to someone else's denial about how all gay people should be treated with equality and respect. There are a lot of people who will be befriend you, but use that friendship as an excuse not to leave their mental comfort zone (i.e. the old "some of my best friends are gay" rationalization).

When I read "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand, I strongly identified with the protagonist, a man who sacrifices nearly all for his principals. He endures years of hardship because he won't sacrifice his vision. A bit more dramatic, but the parallel is definitely there.

I came out to my dad at 13. That could have waited, and would have made a tumultuous adolescence a good bit easier. I'll quote Fran Lebowitz here:

"Should your political opinions be at extreme variance with those of your parents, keep in mind that while it is indeed your constitutional right to express these sentiments verbally, it is unseemly to do so with your mouth full - particularly when it is full of the oppressor's standing rib roast."

If I had waited to come out, things might have been easier, but as an avid bookworm, I was in the library at 11, reading everything they had on gay people. The self-help books all agreed - to have an honest relationship with your parents, you had to come out to them. Of course I wasn't thinking at the time that these books were written for adults - hello. Another instance in my life where my intelligence overrode maturity and common sense.

The bottom line for me is that some of the doors I went through, I had to go through. Some of them I chose. But looking back, I would make the same decisions. I might make them later. Of the doors that closed, well one never knows, does one? I'm past them, and the opportunities are gone, so I guess you don't miss what you never had. Ultimately, I'm glad I chose the life I have. At the end of the day, what counts is that you can face yourself in the mirror every morning. Being single again has brought this home to me in a big way. Had I not stood up for who I was and am, I don't know that I would have the self-esteem I have today. But then people always imbue painful decisions with nobility.

For those of you who ever wondered what the gay equal rights movement is about, this is it in a nutshell. People should not have to make a decision about how much of themselves they can be. There shouldn't be a penalty for just being yourself. I know that everyone makes sacrifices to function within society. There are limits to everyone's freedom. But basic self acceptance should not carry such a cost.