A post in which I'm freaking out, a bit

So I went to the doc's office first thing this morning, expecting to be told that I was wasting their time, and why didn't I just go on already?  Dr. Go came in frowning.  "I'm not happy with these scans." he said.  We looked at them together.  The place on my shoulder (where I have a cyst) is white-hot.  If it is just a benign cyst, it shouldn't be taking so much sugar.  I also have a small place on my neck ("That's just you and your talking." quipped the doc).  There is also a place under each arm - one almost on the surface of the skin, and one deeper in.  The doc says that if it was cancer, he would expect it to recur in my chest, where the bulk of the problem was before, but he also says "Cancer doesn't read textbooks."

So the next step (as it was anyway) is to get the cyst out of my back.  He's going to have a surgeon do it so that it can be biopsied.  (And at some point presumably we will get the results - the wait was interminable before.)  Sigh.  Back to Dr. Mann, whose office had the organizational skills of a pack of drunken weasels before.  But whattayagonnado right? 

The doc had my chemo nurse, Cassie, on call, and sent her in to talk to me.  The woman is a saint.  She looked worried.  Both she and the doc both looked a lot more worried than I felt.  I've had this cyst in my back for years.  When it came up before, I expressed it and it went away.  It has been uglier and larger this time, but it was infected.  I took a lot of antibiotics to make it go down so they could take it out, and it responded. 

I actually left the office feeling OK.  I knew I had to have this out, and had just been putting off making the appointment until the follow-up PET scan was over.  Dr. Go had told me that other things besides cancer show up in a PET scan, and I just had a big infection in that cyst about a month ago.  It could also be draining bi-laterally through the lymph nodes in my armpits.  So there are a lot of caveats here.  My main frustration is that they are going to do the cyst and biopsy on just that first.  A negative biopsy on the cyst doesn't prove anything (and I'm sure it will be negative), so I will just have to go for another round of tests.  They lymph nodes that are hot now are too small to be found readily to biopsy, so even if it is cancer, I'm in much MUCH better shape (as far as stages anyway) than I was last time.

But I wanted to talk to Rhonda.  I called, and thankfully she answered her phone.  I told her what was going on.  She is of course solidly in my corner.

I got to work and settled in for the day.  Adam continues to pursue.  Part of that is flattering.  It gratifies my ego that such a young man is so ardent.  Part of I'm taking with a grain of salt.  I'm well aware that a good part of this could just be that I told him no.  I don't have a lot of experience with telling men no, but apparently this sets off a default response that makes them all the more determined.  So it is not that I have suddenly become irresistable or anything. 

By the end of the day, doubts started to creep in on the scan situation.  Dr. Go usually is pretty sunny.  If there is bad news, he'll break it and is quickly on to something else.  He spent a lot of time looking at these scans with me today.  Cassie was clearly very worried.  Neither of those are good signs.  If it is cancer again, then we're directly into bone marrow transplants this time.  If we can find a match.  And that cyst shouldn't be taking so much sugar...

They boys were having dinner tonight at a restaurant I have wanted to try, but I didn't feel like facing the whole hootenanny today.  I thought about going home to isolate, but I knew I would just dwell and worry.  Plus I wanted my Rhondee.  So I called Rhonda and went over there to get her.  We went out for nasty Chinese buffet, and afterwards walked around Target for a bit before going over to Cold Stone Creamery for ice cream.  It was every bit as good as I remembered from Monday night. 

During dinner, Rhonda talked to me about the Gary debate I'm having in my head right now.  She reminded me that a) I am not a lesbian, so the three dates with Gary (however extended) do not imply marriage; b) there has been no discussion about fidelity as of yet; c) I'm a grown adult who can do whatever he wants; d) the things I want are just as important as the things Gary wants; and e) she is pretty sick and tired of me flogging myself over various decisions.  She had some points.  But then I may have been so receptive to them because she was telling me what I want to hear.  Rhonda was surprisingly pro-Adam.  But she doesn't want me to deny myself something that I clearly want.  Of course the fact that she's a-OK with it doesn't mean that I am, or that Gary will be.  I'm left with a) I really need to talk to Gary about his expectations at this point; b) I think he is moving faster than I am here; and c) I don't want to hurt him.  I really, really don't want to have a 'relationship talk' this early, but I feel like I should.  Oy.  Sometimes it just sucks to be a grown-up.

By the time all that was over I was wiped.  I dropped her home and headed to my place to get ready for bed.  Since I've been sleeping poorly, and had this news to worry over today, I took a pill.