A post in which I question myself*

So I was up early again this morning.  Not early enough to go back to sleep, but early enough to cheat myself out of another hour and a half or so of sleep.  I don't know how much of this is that I get my test results back tomorrow, and how much of it is just regular insomnia, but it's a pain in the ass.

As sometimes happens when I'm up early, my thoughts turned to things they oughtn't.  Food and sex.  I didn't need to eat anything extra (God knows), and I really shouldn't have looked for anything extra to eat (if you know what I mean), but I played with my phone for a while and Frank ended up coming over.  He is super sexy, and I do like him to boot. 

So I get to work (early) and get to work, but I'm also on Facebook.  I do chat sometimes during the day in between other things.  There is a guy I now peripherally on there named Adam.  Adam and I started chatting in a more in-depth way than we have previously today.  A lot more in-depth - to the point that things got rather steamy.  I hadn't taken the formerly mild flirtation seriously because Adam is much younger than I am, and moves in an entirely different circle.  But he really upped the ante today. 

So by the end of the day, we were sending text messages.  When I got off work, I just moved away from my desk to play Angry Birds for a while (yes, still) to 'let the traffic clear out some'.  So I did.  And I continued to send texts.  And I totally lied to myself.  Not even very well.  What I was actually doing was waiting for an address.  Adam had already invited me over, and frankly I was inflamed from the chat today.  If he had sent an address, I would have left work and driven to his house. 

But he didn't.

Eventually, I found out that he lived south of work (and not north, as I had mistakenly thought).  I left the office and went home.

There were sugar snap peas in the fridge that needed to be cooked before they went bad, so I set about preparing them.  I also made a big salad (using some of the washed raw peas for crunch, and again a) not missing the carrots one iota; and b) slathering the whole thing in French dressing, thereby negating at least part of the health benefits) for supper and ate the rest of the Brussels sprouts. 

Adam had asked that I call him tonight, and I did.  Despite the fact that he continued to woo me, since I was home, had a full tummy, and was comfy on the sofa, that made it easier to resist temptation.  Of course, I had already given right into temptation this morning, which also made it a bit easier to be objective.  After I called him, I had a text from Gary.  So I called Gary and we talked for a while.  It reminded me how sweet a guy he is.  He's getting serious pretty fast - faster than I am (apparently).

So I have to think about that.  On the one hand, a hot 25-year-old throwing himself at you is a difficult temptation for any man.  As much as I like to think that there are a lot of 'man things' I don't have to deal with, temptations of the flesh are not one of those exemptions.  Obviously.  I am a horn-dog. 

But then there's the Frank episode to consider. 

I have waited a long time to meet someone like Gary.  He's smart, he's funny, he seems to really like me a lot. If the sex isn't red-hot, that may be at least partially my fault.  Is sex with emotion behind it just too complicated?  Am I spoiled for the ease of one-offs?  Am I intimidated by a commitment?  We haven't really had the 'fidelity' talk yet, but I'm pretty sure if he found out about today's shenanigans he would be hurt.  So what the hell am I doing?

There are concerns.  Gary isn't a social person.  I have a very active social life.  In some ways taking him to RBL's last weekend brought back flash-backs of Michael.  Michael was like having another handbag to keep up with or something.  He just wasn't social.  But this was the first time that Gary met the boys, and it would be completely unfair to draw any conclusions from one meeting.  There was also an incident at lunch.  Gary told me that he still eats at Chick Fil A.  He wasn't aware that they had been caught still giving money to anti-hate groups (at least I saw it on FB), but defended his position to eat there, although he later backed off a little.  But see Billy still eats at Chick Fil A, and I don't hold that against him.  There is Gary's schedule, too, which sucks. 

But there is no such thing as a perfect fit.  Life, and people, just don't work that way.  So I'm not sure what's going on here.  Am I in fact scared to commit (even though I bitch constantly about being alone?  Really?)?  Did Gavin hurting me so badly make me skittish?  Did the break-up with Michael hurt so much that I'm just afraid to try again?  Have I just been by myself too damn long to be with anyone?  Am I just a low-down dirty dog?  Well I guess any of these are possible, so I have some thinking to do.