A post in which I will be a whiny sh*t

You have been warned.  I try to avoid whiny bullshit and pity parties, but I'm having one today.

It's in all over the blogosphere about the Supreme Court review of Prop 8 today.  I do think it's great that this completely unfair and discriminatory statute is up for review of course.  It should never have been on the ballot to start with, and should never have passed.  I don't think it would have, but it was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Obama's election brought out much larger than usual numbers of African American voters (statistically, African American men {in general, I'm speaking in generalities here, so put down the tar and feathers} are some of the most prejudiced people, paradoxically), plus the Mormon church worked tirelessly, and dumped millions and millions of dollars into getting it passed (they have since changed their official position). 

Of course I'm very happy that some of my friends may be able to get married in my lifetime.  I know many couples who have been together for a long time who are WAY overdue for some official recognition.

But.

None of this changes the fact that I won't have to worry about any of this for the foreseeable future.  Apparently I couldn't get married with a dick the size of a telephone pole and a house made of money.

Let's re-cap:

Gavin - who dumped me by email, on his freakin' lunch hour, on a Thursday.
Jason - who just disappeared, apparently never to be heard from again.
Steve - who was never really a relationship prospect, but still made it clear that I'm not even on his first tier of tricks.
Larry - no word from him in a couple of weeks, not that I'm really over-the-moon about him, but he's nice, and is the first guy who has shown any interest in dating me in months.
Erick - disappeared, no word from him in weeks.
Travis - last night I heard from Travis, who wants to get together again.  Apparently he is in need of a stunt dick.  Travis is dumb as a box o' rocks (although sweet-natured, gorgeous, and talented), and still doesn't see me as a potential partner.

And then there is Josh.  Josh just really brought all this to the fore on the 16th. 

Josh is someone that I felt a special energy with.  I hadn't pursued him because he lived in Tennessee.  Then he moved here.  We met to his great enthusiasm and had a fantastic time.  But he told me that he 'needed some time to deal with his issues'.  I backed off to give him his time.  I sent him an email occasionally, which he ignored. 

He posted a triumphant picture on Facebook on the 16th of him with his new ecstatic love.  Well bully for fucking him.  I guess he had enough fucking time. 

I didn't email him, although I was tempted to.  It wouldn't do any good.  It would just show my bitterness.  It would give him justification for treating me like a piece of garbage.  So once again, I am choosing to be the bigger person, and taking the high road, of which I am heartily sick. 

It seems like everyone in the world is paired up.  It's like a huge gym class of life, and no one wants me on their team.  There I metaphorically stand, in awkward and un-flattering gym clothes, un-chosen.

Maybe I am fucking bitter.  Maybe I'm just too picky.  Maybe it's just not destined to happen for me.  I know it doesn't happen for everyone, and I may just be one of those people.  I've tried to be OK with that.  I'm really trying to accept and embrace it.  But it's hard.  I know that I should be grateful just to be alive.  Not so long ago there was no guarantee that I would even be here.

I actually started thinking about that last night, and had a bit of survivor guilt.  There are many more important people than me who haven't survived cancer.  People with important jobs, families, children they needed to raise.  Why was I spared when they were not?  And what am I doing with that blessing?  Precious little would be the answer.

And if it's just luck of the draw, then what's the point?  Yeah it's a big ole pity party today.  Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms.