A post in which we head home, and do a bit of shopping

Talking to Myz Shea this morning

Well all good things must come to an end. I woke up about 8:30 this morning, but didn’t realize that the bedroom clock was a half hour ahead. Since everyone was supposed to be up around 9:30 I just stayed up. Eventually we all got up and had coffee. q was off to a movie shoot today, so she was busy getting ready. After she left we had coffee and fruit, and more talk. Myz Shea offered to play today, but as much as I wanted it, I just couldn’t. I was so drug out from not getting enough sleep, which was my own fault. One of the reasons Rhonda came with me was so she could watch us play, but she declined yesterday for some reason. I think she would have today, but I wasn’t up to it. I had to tell Myz Shay I couldn’t, and I was very disappointed about that. She’ll be at SELF in two weeks though, so maybe we can work something out for then.

Rhonda and I took our leave. As usual the day after playing, I was in a fantastic mood, and entertained Rhonda by spinning BDSM fantasies inspired by the songs we were playing in the car. Some of them were actually pretty hot.

An excellent picture of q (left) and Myz Shea

I had already missed the time frame I had told Sabrina I would have her home, so she sent her a text. Since we were already over time anyway, I just kind of wanted to ease our way home. It was good to have the extra day off. We did get caught in a traffic jam for a bit, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been considering it was Memorial Day.

When we got through it, I wanted to stop at an exit that had billboards up about having five antique stores, but when we got to the exit they were nowhere to be found. Undeterred, we went on up to Commerce GA. I was in the mood to spend some money today – I had the shopping bug from Saturday.

We had some excellent (and HUGE) Mexican lunch and then did Commerce. Rhonda was really great about going around with me. She said she didn’t have any money, but wouldn’t let me buy her anything. I got a couple of pairs of shorts and a new pair of work pants, and some kitchen stuff – an excellent new cutting board I have been putting off buying. I did find some of The Shorts, but again they did not have my size, dammit.

By this time the stores were closing (they were closing at 6 because of the holiday), and we were both exhausted. I really really shouldn’t have done it, but I don’t get down there that often, and I wanted some new shorts. By the time we got back to Greenville though, I was completely wiped. I so over did it today.

I dropped Rhonda at her place and headed home. I was debating whether to stop at the grocery store when I realized that I was out of cream for coffee, which pretty much made the decision. I went to the store and picked up some stuff for lunches this week. When I got home, I put everything away, totally unpacked, caught up on the cat chores, got cleaned up, and collapsed into the bed. I was too tired to even change the sheets. It was a very good, but a very long and tiring day.

A post in which is is a great day

I managed to sleep until 7:30 this morning, which was a good thing, considering how late we had gotten to bed. Of course I was the only one up. I took advantage of the quiet time and claimed the kitchen for myself. I set about making the strata for breakfast so that it would be ready when everyone else got up at 9:30. I have to say that Myz Shea’s kitchen was beautifully organized – particularly for someone who doesn’t cook. The only thing I had problems finding was exactly where it should have been, I just didn’t look closely enough the first time. I put together the strata and got it into the oven, then started on the artichoke dip. I figured if I could get that done, then it could just be popped in the oven later. The main problem was crappy knives. Non-cooks always have lousy knives. I had intended to bring Sparky, my treasured Wusthof with me, but had forgotten, so I had no one to blame but myself. I made do. The knife situation was almost made up for by the wonderful stove Myz Shea has. It is all gas, and the oven was just a dream. Everything we baked came out golden brown and perfect.

A picture of my gorgeous strata

Rhonda was on coffee duty, which meant I got to have yummy Rhonda coffee today – yay! Eventually everyone was up and we visited for a while before having breakfast. After we ate, we just hung out for a while before we headed to the dungeon.

The scene was wonderful. Myz Shea is an excellent top. I love scenes with her because they are fun as well as intense. It was a bit distracting playing with another bottom in the scene. Maybe I’m just greedy. I actually was braced on q at several points, which made me uncomfortable. I’m just not used to touching women’s breasts, and my hands were kind of sliding around on her chest. I was afraid I would hurt her or something. I didn’t, but I was afraid I would. Myz Shea gave me the work on my back that I needed so badly. I was pissed off that my ass seemed more tender than usual today, but she warmed it up well and I was able to take more than I thought I could. It was actually a great scene overall. I got where I needed to go, and we all enjoyed each other.

We adjourned upstairs afterwards to just relax and have some lunch, which suited me fine. I didn’t feel like going anywhere. I should have gotten a nap in, but one of Myz Shea’s friends came over for a visit. I liked her too, and didn’t want to miss anything. I was waiting for lunch as well, which was a buffet of heavy hors d‘oeuvres (which I could live on, I love them so much). Everything was vegetarian and delicious, and I ate way too much – I’m just not used to being able to eat everything at something like that.

We snacked and visited our way through the afternoon, and eventually turned on telly to watch some episodes of The Tudors, which she assured me I would love. I did, despite the fact that King Henry VIII is played by a rediculously hot guy. I’m going to have to go get the rest of them to watch now. I faded badly about 4:30, but hung in there and got a second wind about 8:30 (with the help of some more Rhondee coffee). I really needed to go on to bed, but after the telly, there was more talk.

Eventually I even out-lasted Rhonda, and stayed up talking with Myz Shea and q until the wee hours. It was one of those epic talks that I love. We shared anecdotes, life stories, stories about coming into the scene, and on and on. Although I should have gone to bed long before I did, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

A post in which we head for Atlanta!

I was up this morning at about 6am. I thought I had plenty of time, so I did a load of laundry, mixed a dungeon CD, etc. Then suddenly it was 7:45, and I realized I had to leave the house in 45 minutes to get to Rhonda’s on time! I rushed around for a bit before I realized there was just no way I was going to make it on time. I called Rhonda and told her I was running late.

I got to Rhonda’s at about 9:30. Since I had originally told her 9am, I didn’t think that was too bad. We headed south. When we called Myz Shea to let her know that we were on the road, I realized I hadn’t called early enough. She was counting on us to wake her up, and needed a bit more time. So Rhonda and I stopped on the way and had nasty ole Chinese buffet to give them a little breathing room.

We got to Myz Shea’s house to an enthusiastic and warm welcome. It was so good to see her! I also saw q again for the second time. I had met q last year at SELF when I came down to see Big Red, but I wasn’t around her long, and she didn’t have a lot to say as I recall. I was left with the impression of a fairly taciturn and formidable woman. That impression proved to be false, however – books and covers you know. q turned out to be very nice and very friendly. Within about thirty minutes or so I was in love with her. That was a good thing since Myz Shea told me she was going to tie us together tomorrow!

We went inside and settled in to talk for a bit, but as it turned out Myz Shea was going to have to buy some new clothes, the powers that be having adopted a dildonic dress code at work recently – I know all about that. So it was off to Kohl’s (Myz Shea hates to shop, as Lisa does, and they both love Kohl’s – I wonder if Kohl’s has some special appeal to non-shoppers? Interesting.) I’m always up for a shopping trip, so I was fine, but Myz Shea didn’t seem too happy about it. She ended up buying practically a whole new wardrobe in one store (can you imagine?)!!

Although I enjoyed the trip, and helping her find some things with q (despite her troubling, stubborn predilection for the Camp Shirt), my heart was broken. I found some of The Shorts, but they didn’t have them in my size. I have this one pair of shorts that I wear pretty much non-stop (to the point that an old friend of mine asked me to wear something else for a while because she was sick of looking at them), but they’re on their last legs. I would really like to have another pair just like them, but these were even better since they were hemmed and I could wear them out to eat and stuff. But they didn’t have them.

When we left there I was pretty wiped, and in need of some E-B meds. We ran by the grocery store on the way home and I got the stuff I needed for strata in the morning and to make the special cheesy artichoke dip I was making for Myz Shea tomorrow night, artichokes being a favorite food of hers.

After we dropped off the groceries and I dosed up, we headed out to dinner at a nice little Mexican place near her house, where I had some quite edible nachos. The big draw was that the place was noisy enough that we could talk about pretty much whatever we wanted without worrying about being overheard. We proceeded to discuss freely.

After supper we just went back to Myz Shea’s for a good rap session and visit. It was a great evening. We never even turned the TV on – we just talked and talked until late.

It was a lovely day.

A post in which I get my Miss Kat and dana fix in

I got through the day feeling pretty well. I was hoping all that rest I got wouldn’t peter away during the week, and it seems that it hasn’t.

When I got off work today, I wanted still more Thai food. I stopped by a different Thai place on the way home and got some Phat Si Lo, which I also love. It was so delicious! Those big wide rice noodles were just like velvet in my mouth.

I had left a message for Miss Kat and dana today. I was in withdrawal to see them, even though it would have been wise of me to stay home tonight in lieu of the big weekend coming up. I had finished supper and just settled in to watch telly (and thinking that I should probably get packing) when the phone rang. It was dana, and I joyfully accepted an invitation and went over to visit. It was so good to see them! I love them both so much and it had been a couple of weeks since our last visit.

We caught each other up and visited until late, but it was wonderful.

A post in which I give thanks and treat myself

I woke up feeling surprisingly well all things considered.

I called Eve to check on her to make sure that she was OK. She is. She’s used to Dad’s rages, tantrums, and the silence that settles around them when everyone abandons ship for a while. She’s still upset about being cut off from Brenden, of course, but this morning she seemed more resigned.

I was overcome by a surge of gratitude for my mother. She may not be perfect, but at least I have one sane parent. I called her this morning just to tell her that I love and appreciate her. I got a sale email from an online store today and I saw something that I thought might appeal to her, so I just ordered it sent to her office as a surprise.

I talked to Mys Shea today, and she asked that Rhonda and I wait and drive down Saturday morning, which is fine. Since I was supposed to do laundry and pack tonight, that gives me some extra time. It’s another night in my own bed too, which is a boon considering how poorly I’ve been sleeping lately. Usually the E-B and insomnia are mutually exclusive, but not this week. Having both concurrently has been a huge pain in the ass.

On my way home I decided that I just couldn’t eat leftover salad. I haven’t had any Thai food in an age, so I ran by my favorite local Thai restaurant and picked up some Phad Thai. It’s been ages since I had any. This wasn’t the best I’ve ever eaten, but it was still pretty damn good. After supper, I started feeling hungry later (rice noodles just are not very filling), so I made some whole wheat toast as a snack before I went to bed. I really need to get some sleep tonight. It made me think about Michael to have toast and jelly for dessert. That boy loves toast more than anyone I have ever known.

Speaking of guys named Michael; I talked to new Michael online for a while tonight. He is a nice guy, but has a puzzling reluctance to contact me off of the Manhunt site (the only think I can think is that he's shy about my having his email address). So I’ve been staying signed on there to talk to him, which is awkward. I get emails from people, and it makes me feel rude to just ignore them, but it gets to be a bit much sometimes to keep up with it and try to hold on to the thread of the conversation at the same time. I did find out tonight that he is one month out of a 9-year relationship though, which doesn’t bode well. But then I don’t have to marry the guy tomorrow, right? It might be nice to date someone and take things slow for a while. I’d like to have someone to go places with.

A post in which I once again try to navigate the familial battlefield

I woke from another terrible night’s sleep today. I was up six different times last night. One of the cats had inadvertently set the second alarm (all they have to do is walk on the button to set it), which went off at midnight. Crooner had several allergy attacks and woke me up snorting all over the bedroom, and my thimble-sized bladder took care of a couple of interruptions. Since I had only a light dinner last night, I was up and ravenous at 3am for a fridge raid. Sigh.

Paul called today to tell me that he hadn’t called Dad back. Apparently he’s talking to Cindy about it, but they haven’t made a decision yet on whether or not it’s advisable. I can’t really say that I blame them. Paul is the designated envoy because Cindy can’t be bothered; she’s done. I get the feeling that Paul is trying to talk to her about an overture and she’s having none of it, but that’s speculation on my part.

Eve called today about something, and while we were on the phone I agreed to come see them tonight. It’s been a couple of weeks, and I try to get over there every now and again. Today though, was a bad idea. First because there was the un-returned call from Cindy and Paul, which I figured I would be grilled over. Second, of course, is my on-going Epstein-Barr battle and the need to feel like somebody this weekend. As it turns out, I was right to be cautious on both accounts.

The first part of the evening went deceptively well. We had discussed going for Mexican, but one of the girls brought a bunch of fries back to the office today for her lunch (a crime for which she nearly died – I would have cheerfully strangled her for those fries after being forced to sit in the smell of them and eating broccoli and brown rice for lunch all week), so all I could think about was getting some fries. We went to Ruby Tuesdays and I had some that were wonderful, along with some excellent new veggie burger sliders and a salad. It was more dinner than I have eaten in a while, but I figured I might sleep through the night anyway.

We went back to their house, as we usually do after supper. Unfortunately, that’s where things got dicey. Dad brought up the un-returned call, and I admitted knowledge, which opened up the whole “I hate Paul and Cindy” thing. This involves him telling me the whole story again (detailing every wrong they have ever done him, etc), after which he tells me that he sent Cindy a letter a year ago telling her he forgave her for everything, and explaining how her failure to respond to this letter further goes to prove her basic worthlessness as a human being. Gee I wonder why she didn’t respond to the letter.

Which is the crux of the problem. Dad just doesn’t understand that after all he has done and said, that an “I forgive you” doesn’t just make it all go away. Dad has never understood that there are some things you can say, or actions you can take, that can’t be un-done. Ever. They aren’t required to have him in their life in any way. He seems to feel that they owe him fealty, respect, and ever-lasting gratitude for the generosity of his forgiveness. He thinks it was very big of him to send them an attorney letter threatening to sue them for less money than he feels he was owed.

The problem, of course, is that the forgiveness isn’t real. The letter was a lie. He crowed tonight that Paul doesn’t have the “Chutzpah” to call him back. He seemed gleeful about this 'proof' Paul’s inferiority, and his own corresponding superiority; not understanding that it was just that he's been such an ass that Paul just doesn't want to talk to him anymore. Everyone is battle-weary but Dad - he's still spoiling for more fight; still a thinly veiled boiling pot of rage. It doesn’t take much to tap into it. I got the full litany of the wrongs of Cindy and Paul tonight, yet again. Wrongs that he treasures, and actually seems to take pleasure in relating, as if these wrongs justify everything he’s done. He believes that because they wronged him, he was justified to do and say anything he wanted to them. He is incredulous that they don’t feel they deserved everything he did. The reason that he’s trying to orchestrate some kind of reconciliation at this point is that he wants something. He wants Eve to be able to see Brenden again. And it just doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

I was trying to wrap this up, after trying and failing yet again to explain the “some things can’t be done or said” concept to him, when he capped the whole thing. Eve was sharing her hope that someday Brenden would want to see her again, when Dad chimed in triumphantly. “And when he does, I will tell him this whole story so that he knows what happened.” “Dad!” I responded, horrified. “Please tell me you would not drag him into this and start it all over with another generation! You haven’t listened to anything else I’ve said, but please listen to this – if this dies, let it die!” Dad was shaking his head condescendingly, as if I would just never understand how right he was. “How much is enough?” I asked, horrified “How much nastiness, how much revenge is enough for you?!” He met my eyes and said “I can’t foresee a time when it will ever be enough.” I was gobsmacked. “Jesus Christ, Dad.” Was all I could say. I just realized that there is no reasoning with him. He will never move on. He will never let this die. It goes into his mental bank of treasured slights and injuries that he carries with him through life. He gloats over them and seems to rejoice in the resultant bitterness.

He doesn’t seem to understand that he won the battle and lost the war. He got back the money he asked for. He got to vent a good portion of his apparently bottomless spleen at Paul. He has the self-righteous satisfaction of being completely right in his mind. Everyone has ceded the field to him, but it seems a hollow victory if he is left to celebrate in it alone.

He’s managed to drive everyone away with his endless rage. I still see him every 2-3 weeks because I’m his son. I love him because he’s my father, and I honor him because the Bible says I’m supposed to. At one point, I actually sat down and worked out a contract of sorts, in my head, of the obligations I feel I should fulfill. He’s made it very clear that there are parts of my life he doesn’t want to know about, and there are parts about which he is very derisive. I edit our conversations to things that we can talk about without rancor, which severely limits what we have to discuss. Lisa sees him periodically for about the same reasons I do, and because she feels that her children should know their grandfather. He is very good to Cole and Ava, as he was to Brenden. But really none of us are close to him. We have been forced to hold him at arm’s length to limit the toxicity. He is so unhealthy to be around, so much work, and it’s just too difficult to get close to someone around whom you constantly feel that you have to walk on eggs. Navigating his emotional minefield is exacting work. I’ve never doubted that my father loves me, but his love is a ferocious thing to endure.

After the final exchange I left. I was tired before we went, and with the efforts I had put in with Dad tonight I was now exhausted. I had promised myself that I would leave by 9pm, but when I looked at my phone it was quarter to 10. I got home, did my evening stuff, and got into bed – only to lie and stare at the ceiling for two hours. I put in David Attenborough, I said my prayers and tried to work it out with God, everything. Nothing was working. Eventually after getting up and taking a pill I finally drifted off.

A post in which I am still trying to be good*

With somewhat limited success.

Well I had a crappy night’s sleep last night. While ordinarily that would be bad news, the return of the insomnia usually signals that the current episode of E-B is on the decline. I actually didn’t feel too bad at work today. I used to feel so drug out after an insomnia night, but compared to the E-B the insomnia is a walk in the park.

After work I was determined not to spend any more money on the way home. I have two trips to Atlanta coming up (this weekend, and SELF) and I usually spend a bunch o money while I’m down there. Since we went to Brushstrokes when I was down with the Kindred though, I can probably forgo that stop on this run. I emailed Myz Shea my recipe for artichoke dip as per her request. She says that she’ll have all the ingredients there when I get there, which is nice. Anyway, I went straight home with no stops. I even lucked out and traffic wasn’t too heinous today.

To top that virtue off, I went home and had salad and a smoothie for supper. I was a very good boy. Well for the most part. Jeremiah, of all people, texted me again tonight. I hadn’t seen him in about two years. Usually he just texts back and forth endlessly and then doesn’t show up. But tonight he showed up. It was good to see him. He is a cute little thing, but he’s 28, still living with his parents, and just about as reliable as a cloud. Plus he’s either a workaholic, or he lies to me about how much he’s at work; either way, not potential husband material. Still, a pleasant interlude is nice every now and again.

I actually didn’t feel terribly tired tonight, and stayed up watching telly and chatting online until my usual bedtime. I talked to a new guy online tonight very briefly, but he sounds nice, so there is some potential on the horizon again, which is pleasant. His name is Michael, though, which is pretty creepy until you realize that the statistical odds of my meeting another gay guy named Michael are actually pretty high.

He wandered off from the computer or something, so I didn’t get much response from him, but hopes are high. He’s cute, and seems all into me. So now we just have to get through the response, the exchange of numbers, whether or not he’ll actually show up for a meet, and then The Talks. So it’s early days. Man, if I ever get married again, I’m staying that way. This is too much frickin work! And here I am, sounding like Rosalind Russel in one of her old MGM movies again...

A post in which is just a day, just an ordinary day

I actually woke up this morning feeling pretty good, which was a refreshing change. I’m just hoping it will hold through the weekend. After that I have until the 10th to feel like somebody again. I went down a belt hole in my black belt today, which made me pretty damn happy. At least I haven't been starving myself to no effect. I'm trying to remember that I'm doing this for health, and not for appearance, because my appearance hasn't really changed much. I stay the same shape, so I've basically just become a smaller fat person. I'm not weighing until I go to the doctor on the 17th. I'm afraid that if I have lost the 20lbs I'll relax and start eating more, and if I haven't I'll get discouraged and quit watching what I eat. So I won't know how I've done until I go back to the doctor.

I went on to work, did my thing, and stopped by the grocery store on my way home to spend too much money. I didn’t really buy anything I didn’t need, but I just went in for more Emergen-C and walked out $50 later. I did get some grocery store sushi as a reward for going home to eat salad when I really wanted to go pig out somewhere.

I got home, ate supper, and did a load of laundry. I want all my favorite shorts clean for this weekend. I made some tea, and changed the filters in my water pitchers. I’m really trying to be good this week. I’m hoping that the rest I got this weekend will end this round of E-B, but there’s really no way to know for a couple of days at least.

I intended to turn in early, but just plain wasn’t tired. I eventually turned in around ten, but then couldn’t sleep. I drifted off an hour or so later.

A post in which I try to keep being good

I got up this morning and moved to the sofa. I haven’t had any coffee this weekend, and haven’t smoked a cigarette since Friday night. But man, it is so tedious. I feel like I have just wasted the weekend. I’m trying to look at it as part of my service to Myz Shea for next weekend, but that’s not really working so well.

I had a bit of breakfast, and turned on There’s No Business Like Show Business on TCM. The movie is pretty bad, but it has musical numbers with Marilyn Monroe (including her famous version of Heat Wave) and lots of Ethel Merman, although Donald O’Connor being the love interest for Marilyn Monroe is incongruous enough to be distracting to me. I ended up snoozing through most of it, but woke up for the finale.

After that I decided to go over to the flea market to get fruit for lunches. I did the walk (even though it was far too late to find any glass), and decided to pick up a couple of seedless watermelons before I left. It was hot, and I was tired. There was only one vendor left who had any seedless melons, and there was this woman standing there with her 11,000 children blocking all access to the melons, and thumping them all repeatedly. Now first, thumping a watermelon tells you diddly-squat about how good it is. It is simple to pick out a good watermelon. There is a whitish patch on the underside of the melon. The more yellow the patch, the riper the melon was allowed to get before it was picked and the sweeter it is. So I can tell this woman knows nothing about picking out produce. As if that wasn’t annoying enough, all of the kids had picked out a melon and were thumping them as well. One boy was beating the shit out of a melon with his fist, really trying to break it open. The woman was oblivious to all of this. I was really annoyed. I was about to just leave when she finally picked out a melon and, thumping it repeatedly, went to pay for it. When the herd of children moved out, I just moved in and picked some melons out of the back that they weren’t able to reach.

After that I went to the grocery store and picked up the rest of what I needed for lunches this week. When I got home, I was pretty wiped. I put away the food, ate a little lunch, and lay down for a bit.

Paul called, and I listened to the latest Cindy vs. Dad and Eve chapter. I offered what advice I could, but really there was precious little I could say that hadn’t been said before. I’m just tired of all this, and so is Paul. It would be so much easier on everyone if they’d just be a bit nicer to each other. Apparently Dad has called Paul and left a message for him, which means he’s desperate. Having seen some of Eve’s latest melt-downs, I can understand that. Paul has told them that he’s heard from people he knows here that Dad and Eve have been talking about them, the money, and the whole ugly mess. Eve has sworn that they haven’t breathed a word to anyone. Which is not true. Nonetheless, I’m sure I’ll be blamed for that. *Sigh*.

Later on I decided that I had to get some stuff done. First, I had chores that I have to do on the weekend, and second I was kind of half-way hoping that Miss Kat and dana would call, even though it probably wouldn’t have been the best thing for me to go visiting tonight. I was just going stir-crazy at this point.

I made the lunches for next week (very light – broccoli and brown rice), changed the sheets, and did a couple of loads of laundry. I cut up a watermelon and cleaned up the kitchen, made some drink mix, did the cat chores, and then got cleaned up myself. By the time I finished all that I was feeling drug out, and as if I had over-done it. Not a good omen for the coming week. I settled in to watch the Fox lineup and ate a bit of supper. I turned in early, but didn’t get to sleep until later. I was restless. But at least Something, Something, Something, Dark Side was on.

A post in which I try to rest*

I woke up this morning feeling OK, all things considered. I was determined to get some rest in today. I’m going to rest as much as possible this weekend and hope that I feel good enough to go to Atlanta next weekend.

Speaking of which, Myz Shea called today to make sure we were all tickety-boo for the trip. We went over some food stuff, and I had to tell her about the problems I’m having with the ^%$^%##!! E-B right now. I really loathe having to be the invalid, but at the same token I had to make her aware of the problem in case there was an issue later. She was super nice about the whole thing, and said that if I didn’t feel good we could just hang out and visit, but I would really hate it if that’s all I can do. A whoopin would do me good.

I lay around the house today, spending most of the day on the sofa. I ate leftovers and treats from my Fresh Market trip out of the fridge. I brushed the cats and spent some time with them; they were greatly pleased. I snoozed off and on.

I've been thinking about my love life. At this time last year, I was entering a doomed romance which would leave me shattered and feeling very foolish afterwards. Which is better? That, or this nothing? Any future possibilities were pretty mcuh cleaned out over the last three weeks, and I'm just left The Cheese, standing alone. I have definitely learned to appreciate the small things about being with someone. As ill-advised as the romance was with M, I can say without hesitation that I didn't take any of it for granted, and that I wrung out all the joy that was to be had. That's a good lesson to learn. I suppose there is something to be said for having the decks clear for new possibilities should they arise.

I did run out and see a buddy for a while this afternoon. That was interesting. He’s an older guy who recently moved here from New England. He’s been waiting for his family to die (he was a caretaker for his mother, and then his uncle, until they died), but is now still too afraid to come out of the closet. It made me really sad to talk to him. He moved to a different area of the country, his family is dead, and still he is afraid to come out. Thank God I haven’t lived my life with that kind of fear.

When I got home I tried to watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame with Charles Laughton again, but couldn’t settle in to watch it. Eventually I just turned it over to some Family Guy re-runs.

A post in which I feel bad again

I woke up this morning feeling like hell. I really shouldn’t have gone to work today, but didn’t feel that I had any choice.

Amanda called me later in the morning about her party, and I had to tell her that I couldn’t come. I just didn’t feel like I was up to it. I HATE that, and I felt bad about it. Later in the day I felt even worse about it. Russ called to invite me out to dinner with him and Billy. Vince and Brian were going too. I agreed. I really hate to just go home on Friday night and do nothing, and I figured that dinner in a restaurant that wasn’t a half hour each way, and didn’t involve being outside at a bonfire, was something I would be up for. I did feel bad about backing out on Amanda and then accepting another invitation though.

As it turns out, I almost may as well have gone to Spartanburg. We went to Texas Roadhouse, which is a nice place, but not good for my self-control. I really wanted a rack of ribs, which I certainly do not need. I was trying to remember how long it had been since I have eaten any ribs while we had beers at the bar while waiting for the table. Something else I probably didn’t need.

I really don’t care for the Texas Roadhouse. Most of the tables there are four-tops, so if you have five people in your party it takes forever to be seated, because they either have to wait for one of the few larger tables to open, or they have to find a table they can stick a “loser seat” at the end of. On a Friday or Saturday night (which is usually when we end up there), I inevitably end up sitting in the aisle. But I was happy to be invited along, even though I was an extra bother. I wasn’t going to bitch about the restaurant. So we waited at the bar. And waited. And waited. I am not usually an easily embarrassed person, but it was very clear to me that we had all the extra wait time because of me. I became increasingly uncomfortable about that. When we did get to the table, the waiter came up to take our drink orders and helpfully clarified with me “So, you’re all by yourself then?” I am over-sensitive to that I’m sure, but I really hate to be singled out as the only single person in the party at a restaurant. This was a particularly heinous example, but I’m sure he didn’t think anything about it. I suppose I am just going to have to toughen up and accept a measure of indignity as the price of eating out. Such is the life of a single person in a world designed for couples.

So we ate supper (I did manage to order a Caesar salad instead of ribs), but I had forgotten how Vince likes to keep drinking after the meal. They each ordered another beer after we finished supper. It was after 9 by the time we left the restaurant. I was probably more cognizant of how long we were there because I was hanging out in the aisle through most of the meal (I think Brian noticed that I was uncomfortable - he let me scooch in with them later, which I very much appreciated).

Then Russ decided to go downtown for dessert. Now it was a gorgeous evening, and downtown was alive with people. It was just a beautiful evening to be outside walking around, but I’m not sure it was a great idea for me. I finally decided just to go with it and stop worrying. I had ridden with Russ and Billy, and didn’t want to be a killjoy by asking to be dropped at my car, which is probably what I should have done.

But we walked around Main Street and people-watched. There were plenty of hot guys to covet. We stopped at Coffee Underground and had dessert and coffee. We strolled down by the Reedy River and over the footbridge. We wandered in and out of a few stores. It was lovely evening, but I was quite surprised to find that it was after 11pm when we left downtown. So this wasn’t the easy evening I had expected. It was a lot of fun though.

A post in which I inadvisedly shop my way home

I actually felt better today, which was nice. I went on in to work and got all my write-offs done.

I ran errands on the way home. I went to my favorite wine place on the way home because I had called ahead, and they told me they had tarallini, but they didn’t. Apparently Angela and the west coast are out in front on wine trends – not a huge surprise, but they were carrying it in Asheville already. I asked about Lambrusco at my place tonight, and they directed me to the bottom shelf of the cheap wines section, where they had three different size bottles of the same Lambrusco – Riunite. I reminded myself that you’re supposed to drink wine that you like, not to impress the guys at the wine store. I put a bottle in my basket. I also bought some cheap red to cook with, and a bottle of Vouvray.

I then stopped off at the Fresh Market, because I figured they would have tarallini there if anywhere, but no dice. I picked up some various treats for myself while I was there, as I am wont to do. Some grapefruit candy, a round of focaccia bread (which has mysteriously disappeared from all the area grocery stores lately for some reason), some smoked cheddar, some other wine crackers that were on sale, and of course an almond pillow cookie (stuffed with spiced marzipan, and one of my favorite things – but I only got one) made it into the cart. I was very proud of myself for not buying any of their gorgeously delicious pimento cheese. It is one of my favorite things in the world, but I avoided it in the interest of my kind-of diet. $30 later I emerged triumphant and headed home.

I had some veggies that needed to be eaten, but I really wanted focaccia bread tonight, so I made a focaccia sandwich with fresh avocado, tomato, oil and balsamic vinegar, and a sprinkling of shredded parmesan (not the powered stuff, the good kind) – fabulous!

I got caught up watching Balls of Fury, I am embarrassed to admit. Eventually I was ashamed of myself (even in the house alone) to be watching such dreck, and just went ahead and got ready for bed.

A post in which Epstein-Barr rears it's ugly head

When I woke up this morning I felt horrible. I fixed my coffee and went out onto the porch, but then changed my mind. When I started back to get in my chair, I lost my balance and almost fell. Scary. Instead of feeling better, as I usually do when I get a little caffeine and nicotine in my system, I started feeling worse. It was like all the tiredness I’ve been holding off, bracing through, and getting by denying settled across me at once. I literally felt dizzy and weighted down by it. I've really been feeling bad since the weekend of the Hat Party, but I've been kind of nursing it along, and making (but then usually breaking) vows to get more rest. I've got to get back into some kind of working order before the weekend of the 29th, when I go to Atlanta for my play date.

There was just no way I could go to work today. I called in. That leaves me with one sick day for the rest of the year, which isn’t even half over. It’s so aggravating, because there is very little I can do about it. There really isn’t any treatment, except becoming a recluse; not an attractive option.

So I just lay around on the sofa and was worthless today. dana came by for a few minutes this afternoon. She had been hit by a guy five times today at a red light. Low-impact hits, but still. When the cops came, they had to track the guy down (he had left the scene), and they still didn’t make him do any kind of sobriety test. Unbelievable. Had that been I, I would be under the jail right now. Some people just seem to be able to get away with anything.

After she left, I just lay around. I had some hummus with the tarallini I bought in Asheville last weekend, and am now officially hooked. Those things are so good. Now I must find a local supplier.

I decided that I had to have some cake. I’ve been craving layer cake for a couple of weeks now, but the cakes last weekend were chocolate and red velvet, neither of which I really care for. But I didn’t want to leave the house, nor did I have the energy to clean up a big mess. I had a Jiffy cake mix, which would take only a minute to whip up, so I did that. While it was in the oven, I tried to decide how to frost it. What I wanted was a Mexican lime wedding icing I had read about, but that takes a lot beating egg whites and stuff. I settled for a very simple lime butter cream. Just powdered sugar beat with softened butter and lime juice. Man, that hit the spot. I managed not to eat too horribly much of it too; although now I have almost half a cake left. I figure if I eat it in little pieces over the next couple of days it won’t be too bad.

A post in which I make a mess, and have a visit

I was pretty tired when I got home tonight. I had stopped at the store for fruit on the way home, though, and was looking forward to some roll-up sandwiches for supper (made with high fiber flatbread). I went into the cabinet for some French fried onions, since I was doing California Club roll-ups, and while I was rooting around in the cabinet I knocked off a jar of spaghetti sauce. It went everywhere. It fell on top of the microwave, and splashed all over the wine bottles, the counter, the backsplash, the floor, and me. I was so horrified for a moment that I just stood there. Everything was oozing with broken glass covered in spaghetti sauce. But there was nothing for it but to start cleaning, so I did.

I was about to get things back in order when the phone rang. It was dana, and she and Miss Kat wanted to come by. Of course I wanted to see them. I quickly finished up and got the house together a bit before they arrived. I patched up the cuts I had gotten on my feet. It’s always good to see Miss Kat and dana. I had thought about calling them last night, but I can’t have them kiss my boo-boos every time I get knocked down by life.

We had a nice visit and talk, and then they headed on home. I headed wearily for bed. It’s been a long day.

A post in which I am given the brush-off

I woke up this morning sleepy, but not feeling nearly as bad as I expected – despite having a crappy night’s sleep. I had taken some Ibuprofen before I went to bed to stave off the worst of it, and took some more this morning first thing.

I had a rough day planned but one of the meetings got moved, which made things easier. I got through the day OK. I was tired, but functional. I got a lot done.

About lunch, I texted new Billy to find out about tonight. I was supposed to go out to his house for him to fix supper. I was torn. On the one hand, I’m pooped. On the other though, this is our second date. I wasn’t about to cancel out on a second date with the most promising guy I’ve met in a while.

Turns out I didn’t have to. In response to my second text message, I got a response at 5:25, just
before I left work “Sorry man gonna take a rain check... talk to you soon…” What the hell does that even mean? A rain check? It makes me feel like a marked down raincoat. It made me feel pretty unimportant – as if I didn’t matter enough for him to overcome some minor inconvenience. I don’t get it. I thought things had gone so well before. There were problems, as there are in any situation. But I was willing to try to work around his impossible schedule and was prepared to drive out to timbuck three to stay at his place since he has three dogs that have to be let out. The whole thing just leaves me feeling discouraged and unwanted. Back to the reject table.

I will be interested to hear the excuse if he ever calls, but he’s never called me since we’ve been talking. I’ve always initiated the conversations. I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again. It sounds distinctly like a brush-off to me.

It’s been a rough week month for my ego. First the Jason thing (and he was supposed to be crazy about me) and now this. Last year at this time I was in love, but of course that didn’t turn out very well either.

I went to the grocery store on the way home. I had intended to buy a bunch of junk food and blow it out, but I didn’t even feel like doing that. I talked to Justin for a few minutes on the phone, but really didn’t feel like talking.

I went home, ate some smoked almonds (I got them as a treat) and some popcorn, and went to bed.

A post in which I pay for yesterday, and go to a birthday party later

I woke up this morning feeling like hammered shit. I’ve been kind of teasing the Epstein-Barr along as it is, and yesterday the combo of all that activity and alcohol were coming back to haunt me. Although I have to say if I had it to do over again I would have. I have a date planned with new Billy tomorrow night, and a tough day at work. Tomorrow is going to be a long one.

I had a Precious Memorial Hangover day today. I made myself a wholesome smoothie to hopefully de-tox a little bit, but then I ate a piece of left-over pizza to go with it, which really didn’t help I guess. I did nothing all morning but lay on the sofa. I watched telly and fooled around online a bit, but half-heartedly. I got hooked in to a marathon on the super-morbidly obese on television, which made me not want to eat any lunch. But then I knew if I didn’t I would feel worse later when my blood sugar crashed.

I realized I had to do something and stir around a bit. Sometimes that helps. I changed the sheets and did a couple of loads of clothes, straightened up the house a bit, and started getting cleaned up. I had Justin and Amanda’s birthday party in Spartanburg tonight. I took some Ibuprofen and ate some lunch. Then I ran a couple of errands. By the time I did all that it was time to go. I was borderline about whether or not it was a good idea to go, but I really wanted to, and I had already RSVP’d. James always fixes something special for me to eat, and I would have felt bad about putting him to that trouble and then not showing up. Plus I had birthday presents for Amanda and Justin, and I wanted to give them their gifts.

Eventually I just decided to tough it out and go on. I figured sitting in the car, or on the patio, was about as much rest as sitting at home on the sofa. So I went.

It was a lovely evening, as I knew it would be. I wasn’t quite 100% at first, but I felt better later on. James and Jeff had gone all out as usual. They just work themselves to death when they have people in. They had bruschetta for an appetizer that was gorgeously delicious. Jeff made two birthday cakes (one for each). For supper we had grilled vegetable kabobs, chicken, corn on the cob, and mahi mahi for me. After we ate, they blew out their candles and opened the presents.

Amanda and Justin blow out the candles on their cakes. I know this isn't the best picture in the world, but for some reason it's the only one I took at the party. I have no idea why.

We ate some cake and spent the evening on the deck as the sun went down, visiting and just enjoying each other’s company. I was really glad I went.

A post in which I spend the day with Angela!!

I woke up this morning feeling kinda lazy and lackadaisical about having the day to waste. There is plenty of stuff around here that needs doing, but I just plain don’t feel like doing it. While I was making coffee, I decided to click on the computer and see what was going on in the world. When I opened my email, there was one from Angela, and she was in Asheville! She explained that she’s in town, again thinking about moving back to the area, and of course shopping movie ideas. I emailed her back, and just decided to get ready to go up. It’s a win/win. If she didn’t have time to see me I could just spend the day in Asheville, have lunch, maybe do some picture shopping. I was so glad I was free today to just go on a whim. When Angela comes it’s always kind of like the circus is in town. She’s good for me because she influences me to be more spontaneous. I think I need a bit more of that in my life. I'm also trying to focus more on doing the things that are actually important, rather than things I feel I should be doing. Seeing Angela definitely counts for that. About the time I hit the car to head up there, my phone rang, and it was her. I just explained I was headed her way, and she was delighted. I got up there about 11:30, and met them at her mother Joanne’s apartment. Joanne is a hoot too, and always fun to be around.

They are both eschewing cars at the mo, but Joanne lives right downtown, so we prepared for a walking tour of the city. We strolled and chatted along, and stopped at a small beer garden-type place for a drink. We did some catching up sipping ice-cold locally made lager under a shade tree as we watched the pedestrians go by. Asheville has a beautiful and very active downtown, and it was an absolutely stunningly lovely day. After that we decided to get a spot of lunch, but on the way there we stumbled into a little wine shop called Asheville Wine Market. Angela wanted to pick up a bottle of Lambrusco to go with lunch – it’s one of her favorites too. They were doing a tasting of different sparkling whites, and we were delighted to try them all. I bought a bottle of wonderfully full-bodied and juicy white, round and sassy like a big-butted woman (along with some delightful little wine crackers that look like tortellini), and wanted to come back to buy some more things I found there – I didn’t want to carry a bunch of wine in my backpack all day. Leaving there triumphant (we each bought a bottle of wine) we wandered next door to a lovely little locally owned gourmet deli and catering place called Laurey’s and had a delicious lunch. They let us drink our wine there, which was great, and the staff was super-nice. We polished off a bottle of wine with lunch. We were somewhat suspiciously happy by the time we left.

We were walking back towards the apartment when we went by one of my favorite antique stores in Asheville, Lexington Park Antiques. I hadn’t been in there in far too long, and we spend a delightful hour or so having a good rummage. I found a dinner plate in my blue bubble glass, and picked up a Floral platter for less than half price – did I tell you I love this place? The owners are super nice also.

Floral "Poinsettia" 10 3/4" oval platter in green by Jeannette Glass, circa 1931-1395

After all that, we finally went back to the apartment for a while to have a sit-down and for Angela to catch up on her email. We had a pleasant little interlude at Joanne’s place, but eventually decided to venture back out. We first went for key lime pie. Angela and Joanne are key lime pie connoisseurs, and have eaten it all over the country. They knew a little local place that indeed gave great pie. Of course we had another drink with our pie, and people watched for a bit. Then they wanted to take me to the French Broad Chocolate Lounge, a place that Joanne frequents. They had a dessert called a ‘liquid truffle’, which is one of the best chocolate things I have ever eaten. Best described as a warm chocolate mousse, it was decadently rich and fluffy all at the same time, kind of a cross between a chocolate lava cake, or slightly thinned chocolate mousse; hard to describe, but scrumptious. The hint of fresh lavender incorporated into the mix was a delightful compliment to the chocolate that kept it from being cloying. It was absolutely a molten cup of heaven. They also do their own hand dipped chocolates, and we had a salted honey caramel dipped in dark chocolate that was gorgeous.

Dessert taken care of, we decided to have some supper. We walked through town to arrive at a place called Wasabi, where we had some very decent sushi. The monk fish liver we had was a bit overdone, and I was rather disappointed in it, but the sushi was good, and the portions were huge. I ordered three rolls and couldn’t finish them. Of course, we’d been kind of grazing all day.

We strolled through downtown, taking in the sights as we headed back to Joanne’s, where I took my leave. It was a fabulous and delightful day. But I was wiped out from the walking and the drinking! They can both drink me under the table. Fortunately I had forsworn alcohol at dinner, but I was still feeling kind of headachy and drug out from earlier. It was a small price to pay for such a great day though!

A post in which I am profoundly grateful for Friday

My boss was back in the office today, and seemed determined to shatter the peace I had been enjoying this week at work. He succeeded. So this afternoon while I was trying to prepare for my monthly meeting with him on Monday (the same day I am in report hell for the weekly reports, and the same day he had scheduled our quarterly departmental meeting, for which I also prepare the slides) he decided to re-vamp all the slides for the departmental meeting. Joy. I managed to get it all done, but not without homicidal thoughts. I was very glad it was Friday.

When I got home I luxuriated in the fact that I have no plans tomorrow, and nowhere I have to be. I thought about calling Miss Kat and dana, but I was pretty wiped from the week, and decided I would benefit from a little down time. I felt too tired to really be good company.

I finished the book I’ve been reading, fooled around online, splurged on frozen pizza and Pop Tarts for dinner, watched some telly, and picture-shopped on eBay. I was thinking I might do a little picture-shopping tomorrow; maybe go down to Anderson…

A post in which Carmina and Adder are in town!

I don’t get to see Carmina and Adder that often, so when I do it’s always a special treat. We all ended up at Russ’s shop tonight. I had a haircut scheduled, as did they. Russ cut Carmina’s hair first, then mine. I was going to change clothes while he cut Adder’s hair, but then Carmina needed shampooing out. “Get to it.” Russ said “Come on!” I was standing there in my underwear and dress socks (we were going out to dinner, and I didn’t want to go in office drag), but there was little I could do but hearken to the call.

So I’m standing there in my socks and underwear, shampooing out Carmina, and hoping like hell I don’t pull her hair or get water in her ears or something. Carmina is a most formidable woman, even if she does like me. She found my extreme care funny, so she’s laughing into my armpit while I’m doing this. It was yet another of those Fellini-esque moments in my life. Fortunately, all went well.

That done, we headed out for dinner and ate a bunch of sushi. I finally got to go back to Miyako for sushi after craving it for weeks! It was just as good as I remembered, and Carmina and Adder were appropriately pleased and complimentary about the food. SO good.

I’ll see them again at SELF next month…

A post in which the quiet continues

Another quiet day. The most exciting thing that happened was that I heard from Russ that Carmina and Adder are coming to town! Yay! And I get to see them and go eat with them after my haircut tomorrow. I adore Carmina and Adder. Because I don’t get to see them that often, it always feels a bit like a holiday when they come to town.

I was in a good mood today. It was a vendor day, and they had given us all t-shirts with the vendor's logo on them to wear. If we wore the t-shirt, we got to wear jeans. Sigh, I know. What a demeaning way to be allowed to express yourself, however peripherally, and in such a lemming-like way. But that wasn't why I was happy. The shirts, due to the usual insensitivity to those of us over 40, didn't come in larger sizes. The largest one was an XL. I dutifully took it home, but didn't expect to be able to wear it. I could. I cheated a bit by not drying it in the dryer, and it wasn't the best-fitting shirt I've ever worn, but it didn't look like a sausage casing as I was expecting. Apparently I have lost a pound or two, for which I'm very very grateful.

I celebrated by blowing my diet and eating left-over Romano's Macaroni Grill leftovers from the conference room for lunch, instead of my healthy packed lunch. They sometimes let us in to scavenge the leavings when the star-bellies sneetches are done. It's OK though, I went home and ate a healthy pre-packed lunch for supper tonight, so I guess it balances out. A bit.

I watched the rest of Sudden Fear tonight, and tended to some overdue personal grooming. That’s about it. The life of an internet stud.

A post in which I drop some CASH

It was a quiet day today. My boss was unexpectedly out of the office, which usually makes my life a lot more serene. I had to be up early for the &&*^&^%$%$#!! quarterly meeting anyway though. I was SO sleepy, and just couldn’t seem to get woken up. Later on in the morning I started feeling really bad. I’m going to have to get more rest than I have been getting.

While we were waiting for the meeting to start, I discussed the Jason situation with my friend Chris, whom I consider to be a master of the art of productive female rage. I say this because she left her husband, and then made him toe the line in order to accept him back. What’s more, it seems to have actually worked. She said she wouldn’t call Jason at all; she would wait until he called her back to talk to him. That seems like sound advice, so that’s what I’ve decided to do.

We had a vendor floor day, and they brought in lunch for us. The food was excellent. There was a marinated broccoli salad with Kalamata olives, perfectly warmed flatbread, covered with some of the best Tzatziki sauce I have ever eaten. I would kill for the recipe for that broccoli salad. The baklava they served was the best I had ever eaten.

On the way home though, I just couldn’t face eating leftovers, which is what I really should have eaten. All I could think about was some hibachi-style food with that white sauce they make for us yanks, like the dinner I had enjoyed at Miss Kat's last weekend. I went by the library, and on the way in I succumbed. I went by Joy of Tokyo II (which I seriously doubt would really make any Japanese person joyful, but which puts out some tasty food for us gringos) and picked up an order of hibachi vegetables and an eel roll to go.

I had rented Sudden Fear from the library. I’ve seen it before, but I went through the TCM website not long ago and felt bad for Joan that almost none of her movies were scheduled, despite a bumper crop of Bette coming up, so I went to the library and requested to check out Sudden again. Joan is really over the top in Sudden, and is interestingly cast with Jack Parlance as her deceitful husband. He wasn’t traditionally handsome, but then they really couldn’t cast her with pretty boys any longer at that point. (She was 47 for cry-eye, and Jack was 33, so still 14 years her junior, for those who are interested.)

Then I logged on to the web to finally register for SELF. I heard back from Russ today, and his buddy wasn’t able to get a special rate at SELF for the rooms there. Apparently SELF has negotiated a special rate and set aside a block of rooms. So I got my room reserved and got myself registered. The time off has been approved, and I’m good to go. But that was almost $450 to get squared away. It’s an expensive event. I talked to Miss Kat, and she’ll be staying with me - Yay! But when Russ and Billy are there Saturday night that means we’ll be sleeping together – Eek! There is no way I’m going to be able to cut one with Miss Kat in the bed!

I have also decided on a new picture. I went ahead and bid on it tonight. I wanted something with a bondage flavor to it, but didn’t want some tacky 80’s Patrick Nagel-style bondage pic on the wall. I’ve chosen a reproduction of The Torture of Prometheus (painted in 1819 by Jean-Louis-Cesar Lair). It’s a neo-classical painting with subtext. I had looked at a lot of the baroque paintings of saints and stuff, because many of the artists just gave the paintings religious titles so they could paint nekkid people, but it just seemed wrong to hang a religiously-themed painting (however conveniently insincere the title) with prurient intent. Fortunately, many artists give paintings themes from “classical mythology” in order to paint nekkid people (or in order to do an "anatomical study" in artistic parlance), which works just fine for me. I like stuff that seems classy until you get right up on it or think about it for a bit, and this picture fits the bill perfectly. The pic will cost $56, but then I have to have it stretched and framed; cheap as chips for a real hand-painted oil though, reproduction or not. It will be interesting to see what it looks like when it gets here.

That done, I enjoyed the movie for a while, but the day just caught up with me. I was up so early. I just turned it off and went to bed.

A post in which it is Monday

I felt really drug-out and tired today. It was like I had a hang-over from spending so much time with Dick and Eve yesterday, although I’m sure it’s just the E-B acting up. I haven’t stroked it like I should.

Work was work. I was glad to get home.

I watched some telly, fooled around on the computer for a bit, and turned over the Jason situation in my mind. I thought about calling him, but decided I just plain didn’t feel like it. I don’t understand how he went from “I would do anything to spend time with you” to “I am too upset to even call to say I’m not coming” within a week. Men. As I repeated to Miss Kat and dana Saturday (this isn’t a Steve original), it just goes to prove the old adage “If it has tires or testicles, you are gonna have problems with it.”

I did a load of laundry, cut up some fruit for tomorrow, ate supper, washed the dishes, and went to bed. I am whooped. I got my blanket back out of the closet, since it’s turned off unusually cool for May.

A post in which it is Mother's Day***

I had turned off my phone last night before I went to bed, because I hadn't heard from Jason, and frankly didn't want to at 2am. I decided if there was anything there, I would deal with it in the morning. There wasn't.

But Jeff and James texted me to invite me to go to the flea market. I had just been yesterday and it was chilly this morning. Plus there were just other things I felt like doing this morning. So the plans changed and I just went on up to their house for a visit which (wow, wow, wow!) went very well. We enjoyed coffee on the new deck, gossiped about their neighbors, and basically I just tried to forget the luncheon that was looming ahead.

Now it wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Lisa and her family, who were all coming up. It was that a) we were having the lunch in a fancy place that meant Sunday clothes, and making sure we all appeared the appropriate part; and that b) I figured at some point Eve would have a scene/crying jag/etc about the fact that Cindy wasn’t going to call or send a Mother’s Day card. Then I would have to listen to yet another diatribe from Dad on how sorry they both were, etc, etc. I’ve heard it all so many times I can recite it by heart. Since I am the usual audience for all of this, I figured they would be ramped up to new heights of drama with Lisa’s presence to act as a fresh sounding board. Sigh.

I understand that Eve is upset, and I do feel badly for her, but she has been suffering openly and constantly for three years now. It’s just hard not to have some sympathy fatigue after a while. I don’t have children, so I can’t claim to know what it’s like to lose one, or how you come back from that. But I know that after a while you just have to have some filters. If someone consistently says “Screw you.” to me for a while, then I just kind of write them off and move on with my life. I mean after the fortieth or fiftieth stabbing, it’s strained at the hospital when you know the victim keeps handing the perp the knife again, ya know?

But showing up for Mother's Day luncheon is what a dutiful son would do. So I wearily went home and got ready to go. I ironed a shirt and tried to appear the Nice Young Man as much as I am capable of doing so at this point (without compromising my earrings however, that’s just become a hard line for me). Of course Lisa was late. That’s just part of going places with Lisa. But the restaurant was nice, we had a good table, the baby was on her best behavior, and the food was absolutely gorgeously delicious. We were at Larkin’s on the River. The salmon - on a buffet, yet – was some of the best I have ever eaten. After we ate about 5,000 pounds of food, we adjourned to the house to visit.

Things went better than I had anticipated, I have to admit. Dick and Eve were on their best behavior. Confounding my dread and expectations, Eve did not have a melt-down today. They have talked Lisa and her family into spending a week at the beach with them next month, and Eve loves planning and shopping for a trip about as much as she does the trip itself. She was happily and busily trying to get Lisa interested in making numerous, superfluous and premature trip preparations; which I have to say Lisa handled very patiently.

The afternoon passed peacefully enough. Eventually five hours later, I left. I was exhausted. I felt as if I had run a couple of miles in full gear. I went home and became One with the Sofa, where I pretty much remained. I did have a text from Jason earlier in the day, apologizing, but telling me basically that he was too upset to come yesterday. It would have been nice to get that message yesterday. He left a voice mail this afternoon while I was at Dick and Eve’s which I listened to tonight, but I just didn’t have the energy to deal with it, frankly. After spending all afternoon cringing under a dramatic sword of Damocles, my reserves were just used up.

I ordered a pizza after a while, mainly so I could sleep through the night. I wasn’t the least bit hungry, but I hadn’t eaten since lunch. I watched a bit of telly, and turned in. It feels like it has been a long day, but I haven’t done that much really.

A post in which I enjoy a lovely evening at Miss Kat and dana's house

I woke up feeling lazy today, but good. I fooled around on the computer for a bit, and then decided to go on to the flea market rather than take a nap. I figured I’d get it in later, and it had been a while since I just went over to White Horse by myself.

It was beautiful weather, and just a pleasure to be outside. While I was walking around, I ran into Justin and Chad. They apparently go out to White Horse regularly to see Chad’s parents, who have a booth out there. I walked around with them, and found a little Adam plate for $1. So I picked that up.

They were antsy to head on somewhere else though, so they took off. I wandered around a little on my own, just basically enjoying myself because I knew when I got home I would feel like I had to do stuff before Jason got there. I decided to go ahead and by my vegetables and fruit for the week, so I had only the cooking to do Sunday afternoon. When I got home I relaxed for a bit, and took a little nap. I had been up late last night, and I knew I would need the energy for later.

When I woke up, the house was stuffy, and I had a headache. But I had things to do, so I got up and took some Ibuprofen and started to stir around. I opened the windows since it was nice outside, and started futzing around the house, changing the sheets, etc. No word from Jason, but I had plenty to do. I left a message on his cell phone, and kept on with the house stuff.

After another hour with no callback, I texted him. I decided to go ahead and do the cooking. I was wondering if maybe he had said something about coming in later? I knew he was coming in to town to see his mother for Mother’s Day, but couldn’t remember any details about when he would get here. dana called while I was cooking, and I explained that I couldn’t make any plans yet because I didn’t know when Jason was arriving, but told her I would call her when he got in. I tried calling again – no answer.

At this point I was getting pretty peeved. I couldn’t think of any scenario short of a traffic accident involving serious injury that would prevent a five-minute phone call. I finished up the cooking and cleaned up the kitchen. I packed up the lunches for next week, and got cleaned up. At this point it was after five, and I just decided to go on. I called dana and she was nice enough to invite me to their place for supper. I figured if and when Jason showed up, he could call me.

Greg was up from Atlanta, and we had a very nice evening. There is a new Asian place near their house that has good Teppanyaki and Chinese food as well. We had a good meal, and decided to hang out in their little-used dining room. Greg had expressed a desire to go out on the town for a while, but after discussion, we just decided to stay in. I was certainly game for that, having been on my feet so much of the day, and loathing bars as I (usually) do.

So we stayed in, talked and visited, and played rummy until late. I LOVE to play cards, and miss having a card partner very much. Billy has told me he plays Euchre, and I know Miss Kat loves that game, so hopefully at some point we’ll be able to set up an evening playing. I had a great time tonight though, just hanging out with them.

I thought again tonight about how lucky I am to have such great friends. I know there are a lot of people who just live in isolation when they become single at my age. I’m so very grateful to have such a full and rewarding life that so many wonderful people have chosen to be a part of. I never take that for granted.

A post in which I go to see Russ and Billy

It was a pretty quiet Friday, which was nice. I had turned in all the monthly reports earlier in the week.

I’m picture shopping. I actually want several things for the house. I’ve decided to get some new pictures for the bedroom, and I still need one for the living room. I’ve been waiting for almost a year now to find something I like to go over the fireplace, and still haven’t found it. Maybe I’ll wait on that until I re-paint in there. But in the meantime, I’m looking at all kinds of stuff for the bedroom. I’ve looked up information on, and pictures by, Fernando Botero, George Grosz, and Tamara de Lempicka, as well as doing more research on some of the old masters like Caravaggio; and I have again looked through all the Maxfield Parrish prints. I’ve seen some originals on eBay too; I’m certainly not married to a print. I’ve actually been leaning towards a copy or reproduction – returning to my desire for things that have been touched by people and interacted with, rather than just cranked out of a press. It’s fairly frustrating. Nothing is really bowling me over. I haven’t fallen in love, as I did with the picture I bought for the living room last summer. The upside is that I have identified some pictures in the house that I can get rid of, which is usually very difficult for me. And don’t even get me started on bear pictures. You can find really cool and artistic representations of almost any animal (by, say for instance by Franz Marc – whose stuff I LOVE by the way) except a bear. I did see a couple of cool-leaning paintings on eBay that I liked, but they were too small to hang by themselves, and I couldn’t find two that I liked together.

A big part of this, I suppose, is that I want to go back in time and buy a little picture I saw at a gallery in Asheville while Michael and I were dating. I fell in love with it, but didn't get it because it was $300. I wish I had bought the damn thing, which is of course long gone. I can't find anything like it either. I this picture thing is just one of those things that can’t be rushed.

I was at loose ends for tonight. Jason doesn’t arrive until tomorrow, and I had done enough around the house last week before he came that there weren’t any really glaring things that had to be done to make things presentable. Fortunately Russ called and said they were making hot dogs – which meant that he wanted me to make chili to bring over. He loves my hot dog chili, and I have to say, it is pretty damn good. He also wanted me to copy the recipe out for him since it’s going to be in the Kindred cookbook anyway.

I ran by the grocery store after work to get chili fixings. They were frying chicken. That rich, deep and buttery aroma hung as thickly in the air as Spanish moss - it brushed across my face like fur. It smelled so good I could have gone in the fryer after it. Fortunately, I had a veggie meal already planned, so I wasn’t tempted beyond my endurance.

I made the chili and took it over, and we had supper, eventually. Due to Russ’s and my late appearance we didn’t eat until almost nine. But that was fine. We hung out and talked and visited, ate lots of hot dogs, watched telly, and just generally enjoyed each other’s company. Lovely.

A post in which I send the Mother's Day cards

I paid for last night. I felt like hammered shit when I woke up this morning, plus I was out of cigarettes, but there was nothing for it but to soldier on.

Temptation was everywhere today. I was trying to resist because I’ve had a pretty indulgent week. Fifty-seven pounds of Indian Food Monday night, and then Cinco de Mayo food for lunch yesterday (we got a free lunch, and I didn’t do too badly with it), followed up by seven thousand pounds of nachos last night. We had another free lunch today, but it was sliders (with no lettuce or tomato on offer), hot dogs, chicken strips, french fries, and slaw. Usually when they make hamburgers, I just make a sandwich out of the fixings, but that wasn’t an option today. I might have gone for some fries (indeed, I can always go for some fries), but after eating all I had this week, I decided to just forego the lot and eat my packed lunch, which I did.

When I got off work I was ravenous, but I had to go buy Mother’s Day cards, which I had uncharacteristically put off until the last minute this year. That accomplished, I seriously considered going out for something indulgent, the rationale being that I could address the cards at dinner and drop them by the post office on the way home. But again I uncharacteristically decided to resist temptation and go on home. I virtuously had a salad and some diet cheese toast, and then a pack of Pop Tarts to reward myself, which rather defeated the intent, although at least I didn’t spend money eating out.

Citizen Kane was on TCM, so I watched it. I’ve never made it all the way through that movie, but at least coming in mid-story allowed me to see the second half. Meh. I just can’t get excited about that movie, although the techniques were good.

While the movie wound down, I wrote out and addressed the Mother’s Day cards. I didn’t have to mail Lisa’s or Eve’s because we’re all having lunch for Mother’s Day this Sunday – at Larkin’s on the River yet. I took them to the downtown post office so hopefully they’ll make it to everyone before Sunday; nothing to do now but cross my fingers, since I really left it too late this year.

I drove home, crossed my fingers, and went to bed. And a damn good thing I did too. I am ready to drop.

A post in which I inadvisedly celebrate Cinco de Mayo

I should have gone home tonight and gone to bed again. But then I have never been known for doing what I should do. I haven’t seen Billy and Russ in a while, so I texted them today to see what they were up to. I was thinking that tonight was as good as any to see them, plus it was Cinco de Mayo, and they might be going out for Mexican.

It turns out that they had plans (big surprise), but they said I could tag along. It was their friend Carol’s birthday tonight. She had planned a big get-together at the restaurant that used to be Molina’s on Wade Hampton. Well there were some difficulties. The restaurant isn’t Molina’s any longer. They’ve changed the name and the ownership, although the restaurant looks the same inside. Apparently Molina left, and took the staff with her. The only thing they kept was the annoying incredibly loud band, which is now no longer confined to playing on Thursday nights, as had been prior custom. Not to worry, the band unloaded copious amounts of equipment all evening, and was just doing a sound-check when we left, about 9:45.

You read correctly. Although someone had called to make reservations, they either didn’t believe she was bringing in 20+ people to eat, or were very inexperienced about staffing for such an event. There was no place for us to sit when we arrived. There was another large party that was seated, and not going anywhere, thank you very much. We cooled our heels and socialized in the parking lot, smoking and talking. Eventually rules were flouted and cocktails were carried outside.

After about an hour, we were finally seated. Then we started to understand why the other party had been in there for so long. We had one very harried and apparently disorganized waiter, who proceeded to take about a half hour to get our drinks. I will say that the restaurant was woefully understaffed, but the situation was not helped by the fact that the server just couldn’t seem to get organized. He spent an inordinate amount of time confusedly flipping back and forth in a book that apparently contained at least fifty open checks. He did eventually take three orders from our table, only to retreat to confusedly flip for another fifteen minutes, then come back and take all the orders again. Eventually, one of the guys at our table (another guest mind you, not an employee) got chips and salsa for us, and then went back and ran a couple of loads of dishes through the dishwasher.

After the orders were finally completed, we started the wait for our food. When I next checked the clock, it was about 8:30. I had ordered nachos, and surprisingly, despite the inadvisability of placing a special order, they came out correctly. But that was the only plate that came out for another twenty minutes. When the solo plate next to me came out, people started to leave. Eventually, people just started peeling off to go other places to get some food. After another half hour or so, Russ and Billy’s food came out. They ate, and then we started making plans to leave. This involved catching the waiter, who seemed to be working behind the bar at this point. They had apparently called in some backup help, but after checking with us once, the new help got beers and sat down at tables with friends.

Another birthday party who came in shortly after we were seated, finally just sat down with us to take over the vacated tables after an interminable wait. After standing at the register for a while, as the guy checking out the people in front of us tried to figure out what the heck was going on, Billy got to pay for his and Russ’s check. I was then ignored. By the time Billy paid out, the waiter had left again – with all the checks. I finally asked the guy at the register if I could please just pay him, and told him what I had. The band was tuning up, and I knew that shortly you wouldn’t be able to hear anything in there (not that you could hear much at that point anyway). After I paid, the waiter came back up and started doing the check-flipping thing again. I just left. I did not leave a tip, although Billy did. What a cluster-fuck!

I went back to Russ and Billy’s house and visited with them for a bit, but we were all pretty worn out from the ordeal of the evening. I have no time set to go back in that place!

A post in which I go home and go to bed

Sorry folks, an unusual lull tonight. After the activities of the weekend and last night, I am pretty much all in. I haven't been taking care of my E-B like I should, and I just plain needed a night off.

I texted Billy this morning when I got to work, but his response was kind of lackluster. I thought that last night went so beautifully that I was kind of disappointed, but I'm trying not to read too much into it. I have read that Sagittarians like to be pursued, and indeed I have noted that he rarely initiates communications. He did say he would call tonight though.

I ate leftovers, fooled around on the computer, and did a load of laundry. Then I texted Billy that I was going to bed, and I did. He did text back to tell me goodnight, which was nice.

A post in which I have a date with Billy!*

Paul called this morning to tell me that Cindy had gotten my message late last night. Apparently she had her phone cut off yesterday, which means she didn't call Eve. Paul told me that he didn't know if she would call Eve or not, but I suspect not. I manned up and called Dad to tell him that I had heard from Paul.

Tonight was my long-awaited meeting with new Billy. I wasn’t really nervous, surprisingly. I was tired though; but we’ve worked so long on putting this together that I couldn’t even think about changing the date, not that I really wanted to do so.

I didn’t give myself tons of time to fret or clean the house; it looked pretty good from the weekend anyway. Billy showed up on time, looking better than his pictures. We were comfortable together almost immediately.

I did the tour of the house, and we talked for a bit before deciding to go on out to supper. The chemistry was very good and very strong. We nipped out of the house just in time to get something to eat. I really wanted sushi, but like Jason this weekend, Billy didn’t want sushi tonight. We decided on Indian though, which is just as good. I adore Indian food, and seldom have anyone who wants to go eat it with me. Apparently Billy has the same problem. We decided on India Palace, more because of proximity than for any other reason, but I’m glad we did. It has been a while since I was in there, but the food was just as good as ever. They’ve finished re-doing the dining room and it’s beautiful.

I had several dishes that I know they don’t have at Saffron. My shrimp malai was better than I remembered it being, and the samosas were just as good as I remembered. The poori bread was fried to a delicate pouf of deliciousness. I need to eat there more often. Billy was very complimentary of the food, and we both ate a huge meal.

After supper we went back to my place and continued getting to know each other. No, chemistry was no problem at all. It was a great evening.

A post in which Jason goes home, and I do chores*

Since we were in bed sensibly early last night (as if good sense had anything to do with it) we were up fairly early this morning. I do like waking up in the new soft blue bedroom. With the blinds drawn in the morning light it’s quite lovely and airy.

After greeting the day in a suitably favorite Sunday morning fashion, it was time to get up and get ready to meet Miss Kat and dana for breakfast. We went to Golden Corral (which I didn’t even know did breakfast) and had a capital repast. dana introduced us to her friend Charlie, who I will say from the safety of my glass house is very fond of talking. He entertained us with ribald stories of his illicit past over eggs and biscuits. I had some kind of passion fruit juice mixture to drink which is apparently addictive.

After breakfast, we headed back to my place, where Jason decided to take his leave. It was really good to see him. He’s a sweetheart of a guy.

After he left, the combination of the busy day yesterday, along with the large breakfast and my continuing lick-and-a-promise approach to the E-B meant that I was way overdue for a nap. I took a good one.

When I woke up I still felt strung out and tired, but after I moved around for a bit, I felt a little better. Good thing – I had a bunch of stuff to do to get ready for the week. I had almost nothing in the fridge. I got the recycling together, and sorted through all the paper to get out the trash that James put in there last week. I loaded the car, hauled off the recycling, went to the bank, and then to the grocery store. I also went by the flea market for produce.

While I was out, I fielded the latest drama from my dad. Its Eve’s birthday today, and she had been hoping against hope that Cindy would call today. She didn’t. Dad called me to get me to call Cindy to implore her to call her mother on her 60th birthday. Sigh. I so want out of the middle of this. I told Dad I would do it only if he didn’t cross-examine me about it, or do a victory lap on how sorry they both are if she didn’t call. But I dutifully called and left a message for Cindy, trying to keep it as light as possible, asking if she would at least just call and say Happy Birthday.

When I got home, I started cooking. I made a big batch of veggie-roni (kind of like beef-a-roni without the beef) and packed up lunches for the week. I also sliced and mostly de-seeded a watermelon for fruit for the week. I cleaned up the kitchen, took out the trash, and changed out a load of laundry. I went to the store for garbage bags.

By the time I got all this done, it was close to time for bed. I did watch parts of the Fox Sunday night line-up while getting ready. It does feel good to get my ducks in a row after kind of drifting through all week last week.

A post in which Jason comes to visit*

I knew I had to marshal my strength today, because I woke up still feeling tired and drug out. This E-B is a bitch. I had my coffee, and decided what I would do to get ready for the visit.

Although they really needed trimming, I had decided to leave the hedges for next week yet again. But while I was sitting on the porch this morning drinking my coffee, I decided to get out the nippers and just “get the worst of the sprigs growing up on the porch”. After I did that I went down to do the same in the front. Then I got out the clippers. Shortly after that, I had side-ways mohawks down the tops of all my bushes, and only the hard part was left to be done. It is just against my nature to leave the hard stuff to be done – I usually do it first – so I just got out the ladder and finished trimming the bushes in front of the porch. I did skip the privet hedge at the corner though.

After that I came in to straighten up the house a bit. I ate some breakfast, changed the sheets, vacuumed the rugs, cleaned up the kitchen, and washed my blanket. By the time all that was done, it was about time for Jason to show up. About the time I sat down to rest after my shower, he arrived.

We were both hungry, but ended up getting distracted at the house for a while before we went to eat. We went to Arizona Steakhouse, which I am pleased to say is just as excellent as ever. It has been a while since I’ve been over there (people are reluctant to take a veggie to a steakhouse, but Arizona has an excellent veggie plate). Jason surprised me by getting the veggie plate, so now at least two of their patrons know it’s there. I had a big Caesar salad, a baked potato, and one of their excellent prickly pear margaritas, all of which went down a treat. We ended the meal with their excellent apple cobbler – still the best I have ever eaten, anywhere. Needless to say after this huge lunch, we were pretty much comatose. I ran through Target to pick up a few things, and then we went on home.

We were vegging out watching TV when dana called. She and Miss Kat were at loose ends and were going to come by for a while. So we got up and made ourselves semi-respectable. Miss Kat and dana are just always good company. Miss Kat saw my bedroom finished for the first time, and liked it, for the most part. We ended up just sitting around talking and visiting for a while. They invited us to breakfast in the morning. They didn’t stay late, but between the big meal and the relaxing visit, Jason and I were all in. We turned in early with some Family Guy DVDs. It was a very nice day, but I was wiped!