A post in which I am an unwitting accomplice

Work was beastly today. The powers that be have decided that the monthly presentation is due by 3pm tomorrow. Insanity, but apparently they would rather have it fast than good. To make things extra nice, none of the automatic reports ran last night, and I spent half the day following up with IT to just try to get the information I need when it should have been here when I came in. Fortunately, I can pull some of my own reports, so I just went ahead and pulled all the ones I could and worked from them.

After work, I had an appointment to get my hair cut. I walked in to find Russ in the midst of several things, taking phone calls, instructing a new assistant, etc. I settled in to read and didn’t really pay that much attention. It turns out he was making arrangements to pick up another dog tonight. I wondered how long it would be after Oliver died that he would be wanting another animal. He and Billy have discussed it of course, and Billy said absolutely not. But Billy is in London right now.

It turns out that someone basically abandoned a shih tzu at the groomers, and the guy is a friend of Russ’s. They’ve been taking their dogs to him for years. He called Russ to see if he wanted it, and of course Russ couldn’t resist the lure of an abandoned dog. We were told that the dog was only 11 weeks old, but when we got there, he was a lot bigger than we were expecting. But he still has his milk teeth, so he can’t be that old. It is a cute little thing, and it is a chocolate, which is apparently a rare color.

I know the groomer too. I’ve known him for many years. He was one of the prettiest men in Greenville at one time. I had a big crush on him when I was a young’un, but got over it. I hated him to see me at this weight – he of course hasn’t gained a pound in twenty years. We used to be friends-in-law, since I dated a guy he was friends with, and we had a mutual friend who died. I haven’t seen him in a long time though. As pretty was he was, vanity was not kind to him. He decided to have silicone injected into his face to give himself higher cheekbones. That was all the rage among the drag queens at the time. The silicone fell, which gives him a kind of chipmunk-cheeked effect. Apparently it has taken its toll on his face. I was surprised at how old he looked. He seemed to be happy to see me, and showed me around his older arts-and-crafts home he’s fixing up. He’s way into 60’s retro. The living room was a surprisingly appealing den of rust/orange and stone.

He kind of personifies a phrase that’s been floating around in my head a lot lately. “If ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise.” This guy is not Einstein. He’s not an idiot, but he isn’t going to take a Nobel Prize or anything. He has had a series of lovers, usually about the same age, and virtually interchangeable - shorter dark haired and dark eyed guys who hardly ever say a word. True to form, the latest one came out while we were there. I introduced myself, but he didn’t speak a single word to me.

On the one hand, apparently these relationships are fairly superficial, at least from the outside, or as far as longevity goes. On the other hand, he seems happy enough, and is never by himself. Its days like today that make me wish I could trade some IQ points for a simpler inner life. Things would be so much easier if I could be happy with less. Would it be wrong to try a relationship with someone less complicated, who just loved me, or would they just get on my nerves after a while? I’ve never been able to sustain but one relationship, and he was much smarter than me. I’ve never been able to sustain interest in someone who doesn’t challenge me, or someone I feel is at least an equal. And what would be the point of being in a relationship with someone I had little in common with? What would the quality of the companionship be? I’ve never felt I could respect someone who was not on my intellectual level, but maybe the ability to sustain happiness is a lesson I could use. On the other hand, I can’t stand the thoughts of being hitched to one of the bleating sheep, watching American Idol every week for the rest of my life. But then my mother watches it, and I enjoy her company just fine. Could I be using (perhaps poorly-founded) elitism to push people away? And if I’m doing that should I even be looking for a relationship until I find out why? I guess I keep coming back to, would it be worse to settle than to have nothing? It seems simple when you put it that way, but it really isn’t.

And I'll apologize to you, gentle reader, for obsessing about this yet again. Even I'm tired of it. I keep thinking I can maybe write it out of my head for a bit, but it keeps not working. My brain is like a dog with a fucking bone. Here lately, I have been much more conscious of going mentally "on point" when a likely guy comes around too. Russ's new guy at the shop came out today, and I was automatically wondering if he's gay (I'm pretty sure he isn't), is he single, is he too young for me, etc. I'm checking for wedding rings before I even realize what I'm doing. It seems that most any stimulus at the moment, and this "I'm a-gonna trap me a man!" mentality jumps out like a jack-in-the box. It's making me more nuts than usual.

But I was already feeling old and used up today for some reason. I don’t know why. Today was one of those days that I just feel like it’s never going to happen for me again, and that I just need to resign myself to being single. Not that I have a real problem with being single, I guess. I’m getting used to being a second-class citizen again. But I’m lonely. Lately I haven’t even really wanted to go places any more. I’ve been doing it, and I'm usually glad when I get there, but there’s been much more of the little voice in my head asking me why. I got my hair cut tonight, and Russ did closer to a version of the “faux-hawk” I’ve been asking for than he has been willing to do in the past. I usually love to get a new look, and my hair looked great, but when I looked in the mirror all I could think was how fat and old I looked and how the haircut was too young for me. But that fluorescent lighting in his shop always makes me feel like I look awful.

Russ took the puppy out, and we had a brief kerfuffle when it came back in with some fire ants in its fur. Then he asked me if I wanted to go with him to drop it off and have some supper. The little thing settled contentedly on my lap for the ride. For such a young dog, he was very well behaved in the car. When we got to the house, the other dogs were skeptical. There was a lot of sniffing and posturing. I’m wondering how long it will be before the puppy cuteness wears off. It’s been seven years since they had a baby, and this one is still in the chewing stage and needs to be house-broken.

We went off to dinner at El Matador, where Russ revealed the convoluted sneakiness of his plan. Billy has given me strict instructions that one of my duties when I’m out with Russ is to make sure he doesn’t come home with any more animals. I’m usually pretty vigilant. By riding with him tonight, I am apparently now an accomplice to this adoption, and he’s planning on blaming the whole thing on me. I don’t think Billy will buy it, but it was a pretty sneaky thing to do. In the meantime, I had an enchilada so good it renewed my reason to live. We didn’t have my favorite waitress tonight, but Lordamercy that food is awesome.