A post in which I have a brutally long day

I knew today was going to be hard. I got up at 7am, took my shower, started straightening up the house, and ironed my clothes. That way I could just help Lisa's family get ready when they got up. None of them are morning people. When they got up, I made some breakfast (mostly for me, they don't really eat in the morning), and cleaned up the kitchen.

I got Cole's clothes and ironed them so he was ready to go. I had put him through the shower last night to make one less shower this morning. Organization just isn't Lisa's strong suit. While I was working on the back part of the house, Lisa and Carl had trouble brewing in the front half. I got dressed, packed my stuff, got Cole dressed, and took Cole on over to Granny's house with me, leaving them to finish and get over there in their own time.

Lisa has a requisite hour with a towel on her head before she goes anywhere. Since she had the towel on when we left the house, I could estimate their ETA.

I got to Granny's. Lisa and Carl pulled up a bit after, and we all went over to the funeral home. I found out when I got there that I was a pall-bearer, which was a surprise to me. I've never done that before. There was visitation from 12:30 to 1:30. At first, it seemed like the time would take forever to pass. But Mom's friend Maureen came, and my Aunt Phyllis came in. It was good to see them. I sat beside Granny for a while. They had brought her in in the wheelchair, and then put her in an armchair. There was another armchair beside her that was empty, and it just seemed wrong. I just sat down beside her. I never go to a funeral and ask "How are you doing?" That has always seemed the height of stupidity to me. I know now though that sometimes it's enough to just be near someone, so I just sat beside her.

The Obituary

And then suddenly they were taking the flowers out of the room and we were headed to the graveside service.

Being a pall-bearer wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It's kind of good (oddly) to feel like you're helping in some way. It was 90 out, and I was in a dark suit, but I didn't really notice the heat. When I hugged Mother after it was over, she said "Baby, you need to get out of that suit - you're too hot."

When we got back to the house, we changed and had a bit of lunch. I talked to relatives I haven't seen in years and years. I hadn't seen my youngest cousin in a long time, and we found out that we have some surprising things in common. We had a long talk. I always thought it was horrible to have a family reunion when someone had died, but now that I'm older, I understand it better I think. You renew the ties. You remind yourself that the family is intact, and you come together to support each other. You remember the good in being together when you have lost someone. It seems right to me now.

Kind of like funerals. They do no good to the one that is gone of course. But they give you something to do to feel that you've done the right thing. The worst part for me was kind of feeling adrift on Friday. As soon as mother called me and told me where to be, I had a function. I had a direction for what the right thing was to do. That helps.

Lisa's family and I left to go see Grandma Shumate. She's very much all about Ava Claire, her namesake. When we came in, her first question was "Did you bring the baby?" Of course we had. We went into the "living room" visitation area at the home, and talked a bit. We didn't really have to talk much, because Grandma was watching the baby. Ava, always the charmer, was already wound up. She went through her whole repertoire of things she says, ran all over the place doing cute things, sat on Grandma's lap, gave her a kiss - the whole nine yards. So Grandma had a good visit. I think we wore her out though. By the time they announced dinner at 5, she was ready to go eat. I took her on to the dining room.

We went back over to Granny's, visited a while, and then said our goodbyes. Mother and her sisters were staying over, but I wanted to be home. I left about 7:30. I was still kind of on auto-pilot. I did the trip home without even any music on. I had a lot of stuff to think about and start processing.

Everyone had someone there with them today but me. It's times like this, when I would really love to lay things down for a while and let someone else be in charge, that I really feel alone. On the one hand, I guess I need to get used to doing this stuff on my own. On the other hand, I am lucky to have so many people who love me - I don't have to do it all alone. I felt like being with my support group tonight. I called Russ and Billy on the way home, and went to see them. When I called Mother to tell her I was home, I really felt like I was. It was good to talk things through with them and empty my head out for a bit before I went home.

I had no time to cry today. I had to get ready, then at the funeral home I had no one to cry with. I was trying to be strong for Mother yesterday, and Rod was having a hard time today (he has been widowed only two years). I couldn't cry in front of Granny - she was upset enough. At the funeral I was a pall-bearer. And then of course the rest of the day I had places to go. I had thought that I might cry at Russ and Billy's, but by the time I got there I just felt wrung-out and used up. I was too tired to cry.

I crawled in to the house and went to bed.