A long long Sunday

Sometimes insomnia is a gift. I was up at 5:30am this morning, and had some spare time to do more stuff around here while still showing up on time to leave for North Carolina.

I have to say Dad was pretty much on his best behavior today, but it was still a long day. It's 3.5 hours up to North Wilkesboro. So 7 hours in the car total.

I hadn't been to see my grandmother since she had to move to the home. The place that she's in is very nice, and on top of a hill with a lovely view of the mountains. It's clean and smells nice. The windows are down at wheelchair height so they can see out. There is a beautiful courtyard outside where they can sit in the sun, and play with the two resident dogs, or watch the three resident turtles that live out there. There are also two cats that live inside. There is a beautiful living room area where the residents can entertain their families when they visit. The staff seems very nice, and to truly take good care of the residents. There are many activities that provide opportunities to socialize. I know she isn't as lonely as she was before.

But it's still a home. Most of the floors are industrial tile. Most of the residents are in wheel chairs that they aren't going to come out of. Many have dimentia, and just wander amlessly around. My grandmother is living out her nightmare. She shares a room with another woman and has little to no privacy. She isn't able to go to the bathroom on her own any more. It's hard to see her there. Especially because she is confused as to why she is still alive. She has been ready for the Lord to take her home since she had her stroke and couldn't take care of herself any longer. For her to be living the way she is now is akin to the trials of Job. She has had to give up so much of who she is.

But today was a good day for her. When we got there to pick her up, she had been ready for three hours. I was glad to learn that we were going to her house for the party, rather than have it at the home. It was the first time she has been to her own house since she fell months ago and broke her pelvis. The whole family was there. My dad and his brother are getting along well these days, and I know she is happy about that. She was less happy that they are leaving for a cruise on her birthday tomorrow, but she was pleased that they are able to do something fun, and wanting to spend time with each other. We all ate and talked and told funny stories. Lisa had Ava with her, and Ava is such a happy and active baby that she always puts on a show. My cousin Tonya brought her son Logan with her, and he's a cutie. I think Grandma would have been happy just watching them play.

We were at the house until about 4. I told Dad finally that we would need to get her back in time for supper, which I know they serve fairly early. People had started to leave anyway at that point. Grandma told us all she loved us, and wanted us to know it because we may not be all together again. She's 87 now, and so fragile. I tried to explain to my Dad on the way home that she wasn't being maudlin. At her age, and with her mind as good as it is, she understands that the end is coming, and she has things she wants to say first. As anyone would. But Dad can't see her death as being like any other death, which I guess I can understand.

When we got her back to the home, she made a bee-line for her room, and I immediately knew what it was. She had held it as long as she could. I pushed her back there and immediately pressed the call button to bring an attendant to take her to the bathroom. So she got to hold on to that much of her dignity. She would have been mortified if any of us would have had to help her. I think more and more now that BB is right. The ones that are out of their minds have it better.

We visited for a while after that, but before long we had to go. We took her to the dining room so they could coax her to eat a little supper, since she had declared that after one piece of pizza and a piece of birthday cake, she didn't need anything else to eat today.

We left and started the drive home, talking about the day, and sharing impressions of the family. I hadn't seen my cousin Mark in 6-8 years. He has some problems, and still lives with my Uncle Chris and his wife Pam. They are really worred about what's going to happen with him while they're gone. I think it's terrible that they can't even take a vacation without having to worry about him. My other cousin Tonya, his sister, has reluctantly agreed to see about him while they're out of town.

Lisa looks wonderful. Really beautiful and happy. I so want her life with Carl to work out for her. Cole looks good. It's nice that I see enough of him that he isn't shy around me. I seem to be able to put him at ease. Ava is of course a joy.

The blot on the day for Eve is that Cindy wasn't there, and that she hasn't seen Brenden in so long. We were talking to a woman at the home this afternoon who is in charge of social activities for the residents. Her daughter is a missionary, and she was remembering the last time they came home for a vacation, when her little grandson would come running to the door yelling "Mimi, Mimi!" every afternoon. The look on Eve's face at that moment broke my heart. I know she was remembering a time not so long ago that her little Benden used to yell "Mimi, Mimi!" when she came in.

Of course, Dad didn't notice that, and didn't understand why she got upset when he was teasing her on the way home. But she pretty much shrugged it off and went on. She has her faults, I'm the first one to say, but marriage to my dad is no picnic. Of course, he was upset too by having to leave my grandmother in that place that he knows she hates, and from seeing her so fragile. He knows he doesn't have much longer with her. I know that on some level, I'll be glad when she gets to move on. She's ready to go, and wants to go. I know that the grief I will feel will be selfish - tears I'll shed for missing her. But Dad is really not good at letting people go. For any reason. I really do think that if he could he'd take her home and keep her, just as she is, for the rest of his life. I'm so glad he can't.

We stopped for dinner at Cracker Barrel, and then it was just the long road home. Thankfully Dad's mood seemed to improve after we ate, and he was kinder to her the rest of the way back. Politics barely came up, and when it did, he didn't go on and on the way he usually does.

Still, being around my dad is always kind of perilous. And trying to appear charming, gracious, and clean cut all day just gets to be work after a while. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. I had to finish unloading the car, since the cat food was still in there, but as soon as I did that, I collapsed. It was a good day overall, but I'm pretty glad it's over.