A post in which domesticity looms large

I had things I had to do today. I've been kind of living a dream for the past two weeks, but dreams just do not do yard work. Add to that the daily rainfall we've been having, and the natural exuberance of southern plant life and I had the beginnings of a rain forest going on. Danny has been mowing the grass for me, but with vines creeping in from every side, it was time to go out and kill things.

I've been killing things ever since I moved into my little old house. I curse that poor woman that owned it before me every summer as I try to keep that ^&%%$##!!! wisteria from eating the house, the yard, the fences, and everything else. Volunteer trees abound, as does every weed known to man. Birds love my yard, and one of the consequences of that is that their little potties leave seeds for everything everywhere.

I intended to let M sleep while I got out and hit the high spots in the morning cool. But there were more high spots than I thought. To my surprise, M came out to help work in the yard. Now there is a way to my heart. He was a real trooper, stripping off his shirt and digging in to the real nitty gritty that needed to be done. I weeded the flower bed, did some weed-eating, killed things in the dog lot, and mowed. We ended up being out there until about 1pm. It was the first really hot day today, and by the time we got done we were both wiped.

We adjourned to the porch to cool down a bit with some ice water, then hit the showers and popped a movie in. I made a spot of lunch while we watched a movie, the ac running and the ceiling fan turned up. After the movie and a sufficient reward for his hard work, M took a nap; but I was too restless, and puttered around the house a bit.

Eventually he got up, and we initially decided to go to the grocery store, after which I would fix dinner. But I got hungry, and it was getting late, so we went on out to eat. I figured that was the least I could do after all he had done today. We went to Barley's Pub downtown. They do have great pizza, but I usually avoid it because it's incredibly noisy, and kind of a hip place. Also a gay guy got killed down there a couple of years ago, and it just left a bad place in my mind about it. But M likes it, and after a) all the work he did; and b) his being a good sport about my restaurant on Friday night, I figured eating at his place was a small compromise to make. I worry that I'm not compromising enough. I have a tendency to be set in my ways. I don't think M is a push-over (thank God) but I want to be sure I'm being fair and being good to him.

We had a great talk about the coming weekend trip to River's Edge, his birthday, the people that would be there, etc, but our pizza took forever. It was good, but we were both glad to get out of the echo chamber when we left. We went by the grocery store so I could pick up a few things to start the week, and then he went on home. His roommate was wondering when she would see him. I guess it wasn't much of a "fun date" kind of day, but M said he was just happy to have spent it with me.

I am grateful for every day this man is in my life.

I had a bit of time to myself after he left to think. It's surprising to me how easily M has fit into life, and how comfortable I am around him. It feels natural to be with him. I took the pictures of Michael and me down out of the house last week. It wasn't a big dramatic thing (hence the lack of an entry when I actually did it), it just seemed to be time.

I slept alone tonight for the first time since last Sunday. I didn't feel lonely though, because my special guy is out there, and I know he's thinking of me and I'll see him soon. That's a nice feeling.

A post in which M meets Miss Kat and dana

It was a great morning this morning. Waking up with M at the house was lovely.

I let him sleep and got up and piddled around the house a bit, and then he woke up and we had some breakfast and got ready for his first flea market trip.

Yes, gentle readers, you heard me correctly. Yours truly, Duchess of Dumpster Divers, Sovereign of the Salvation Army, Yoko Ono of Yard Sales, and Fergie of Flea Markets, has become involved with a flea market virgin. Thank goodness that’s the only kind of virgin he is (after he woke up we started the weekend in properly newlywed fashion), but I digress.

Since it was his first time, I opted for the splendor of quantity rather than the superiority of goods, since he has not yet developed the finely honed quality-of-crap detector of an advanced junk hound like myself. In short, we went to the Anderson Jockey Lot, where six acres of cast-off redneck treasures awaited our rifling. We had a good time. He was somewhat taken aback, but open to the experience. I scored a Glasbake lid for a buck, and had the casserole to go with it at home. There wasn’t much else there, except for 49,000 guns. I’ve never seen so many at the flea market, but it’s a seller’s market right now. We did the whole outside and part of the inside, and got some produce on the way out.

When we got back we had lunch out (Mexican, of course, because of my continued Pavlovian fixation on nachos after the flea market) and a nap. After that, I got up and started cooking. We agreed that we would start eating in more, because eating out all the time was getting too expensive, and because we both like to eat healthier than you generally can out.

I had already talked to Miss Kat and dana about a visit tonight, and since I didn’t make cookies for them last weekend, I threw a pie in the oven to take over. It tasted fine, but it looked funny because I’m still using up that special dark cocoa that seemed like a good idea, but makes everything look tarry and black.

I also started working on dinner. We had bought a large batch of summer squash, which I cooked up with onions and fresh oregano from the back yard (which is taking over), and served with a batch of saffron rice. It turned out well. We also had our Indian left-overs from last night, which M ate. He doesn't eat left-overs usually. I can't imagine that, since I live on them.

After dinner we headed on over to Miss Kat and dana's house for a visit. We opened some wine that had apparently gotten skunky. I don't know what you call it when wine turns bad, but this had; so we opened another bottle and just visited, talked, and smoked. It was another comfy visit to their house, and M seemed to fit right in. We petted the dogs, watched movies, and just chatted. It was a lovely evening, as usual. All the better for having someone special to go home with me.

A post in which I start the weekend with my sweet boy

Quiet day at work today. Since the whole department has been caught up in an audit/special project, its been quiet on my desk. I'll pay for it when it's over, but for right now I'm good. They found out today that they didn't have to work on Saturday, which is good.

Hit the gym when I got done. It was hard today. I'm on level three on the elliptical walker, and it's killing me. But I got through it. I didn't enjoy it as much as usual, but I got through it. The second half wasn't so bad. I need to mix a new workout lineup. I have lost some weight, but I'm afraid to weigh. The pants I bought at Christmas are hanging off me. Yay.

This weekend M and I have our first big block of time together. We're usually trying to grab scraps of time after work and staying up too late. It feels almost decadent to have two whole days and three evenings to drink each other in. I'm really stoked about it. I'm taking him to his first flea market tomorrow. I hope he likes it.

I got home and had just finished putting stuff away from the various bags (I'm living a lot out of duffel bags these days, between work clothes, gym clothes, and date clothes) when M came in. I straightened up stuff a bit and showered while he read that book I loaned him (mua hahaha). We decided to go to Brixx for dinner. They do have good food. But when we got there, there were about eight million cream cheese suburbanites milling around aimlessly, there was a half hour wait for a table, and to cap it all off a live band (insert full body shiver here), of course with amplifiers blaring. Most of the tables for the restaurant were outside, and it looked as if it was going to rain. Plus the ambiance was just crawling up my crack like a roto-rooter. I spend all week long with suburbanites. When I'm not being paid I like to be around people with a bit more individuality. And by Friday evening if I have to look at one more pair of Dockers, I'm just going to puke. Not good at dinner.

You've all heard me disclaim on the live band thing before, but what is the deal with that?? Amateur musicians playing music you're tired of hearing on the radio, usually poorly, and inevitably with a skull-cracking decibel level. What is it about this that draws people like flies to shit? My theory is that they use the noise as an excuse to take a break from the dull, blathering substitute for conversation.

At any rate, as you can guess gentle reader, I was not at all thrilled to be there. I used the wait as an excuse, and we went across the street to Saffron for a delicious meal, fantastic service, and a quiet relaxed atmosphere. Because Lord knows the Ranch Dividians wouldn't be caught dead in an Indian restaurant. Oh yeah, that was much more like it. I felt bad about putting up a fuss at Brixx. They do have good pizza, and I know that M likes that place. But tonight was just not the night. I don't do crowds well anyway, but particularly on Friday night when I'm wanting to relax and unwind. And the presence of so much undiluted family homogeneous heterosexuality is just grating to me at times. It still made me feel a bit small to act kind of bitchy at the start of our weekend together.

At Saffron I relaxed and we had a nice dinner. The topic we delved into tonight was more details on families. I had forgotten that he has two brothers because he doesn't talk about them much. Apparently because he isn't close to either of them. With good reason. As much problems as I have with my family, I actually felt fairly fortunate tonight in listening to the horror stories M told me. It makes me sad to hear them. And how did such a great guy come from such a terrible background? Although in psychology they tell you if you get what you need before age 5 or 6 you have the base you need to build a strong and healthy psyche, it still seems to defy logic that such a sweet and loving guy could come from such a hard and unforgiving family. At least he has a kind aunt and a cool cousin to talk to from time to time.

After dinner we browsed through a couple of stores at the nearby shopping center. I want some more compression shorts to work out in, but I didn't find any at the discount stores tonight. Sadly, may have to pay (gasp) retail. Shocking, I know, but one pair of workout underwear just isn't cutting it any more.

We got home and just lay down to talk. I love the intimate time when we can just chat and cuddle with each other. M is so incredibly good to me and so sweet. No sex tonight, he was having some tummy trouble after the Chinese buffet last night, but it scarcely mattered. Just being close to each other and weaving that little space that is just the two of us was plenty. I am a lucky, lucky man. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I'm very grateful for it.

A post in which I blissfully head for Spartanburg

It was pretty much a red letter day today.

I got up with the sweetest boy in the world, and saw him off to work. I had a moment to quietly and happily reflect before I left the house for work.

When I got to work, River’s Edge called. They have a vacancy for next weekend, and I was able to get a cabin. M was amenable. So I not only get to see Al, Mike, and Brian; but I get to go to RE with a boyfriend. That will be new. We’ll see how this goes. M is used to having to deflect the attention he gets wherever he goes, but I’m still expecting to have to do pitchfork duty from time to time to keep the lustful masses down to a manageable level. That weekend will be M’s birthday.

Which brings on the major quandary. What the hell do I get him for a present? He says, of course, that I’m all the present he needs. But I can’t let the first birthday together pass without a gift; and not just a gift. It’s his first birthday with me. So it has to be sensitive, memorable, and perfect. Ugh. We’re really too early in the relationship for me to know his taste well enough to pick out something for him. I wouldn’t attempt to buy clothes – we have just about opposite taste. It’s too early for jewelry, and I just sent flowers this week. So I’m pretty much screwed. But enough about the good news.

I’ve turned over various ideas in my head, and asked some of the girls at work for advice, but I’m coming up with zilch. And if I’m going to order something, time is fast running out.

Other than that, I’m sitting on top of the world with a rainbow around my neck. We continue to get to know each other better, and I’m feeling much more like this could work in the real world. We have lots of different interests, but enough of the same that I think we’ll be able to find stuff to do together. We like many of the same movies, apparently.

He did take a book I recommended he try to read, and he’s actually reading it, which is nice. He’s given me some muscle mags and abs books to read, but I have to confess I haven’t been as open about that. I’m in the best shape right now that I’ve been in about 18 months. I feel pretty good about how I look until I look at myself in the mirror next to him. This is something I’m going to have to get used to. He is being wonderful, and says he doesn’t care if I work out at all. It’s not a major issue, but my poor esteem about my body is going to need some beefing up. I’m playing affirming music during my workouts and stuff.

After work I hit the gym and went home to head for Spartanburg. Up until now, it’s felt like running a race every day to get to him so we could spend every possible second together – it felt like I had to get all the time I could in while I could. I was more relaxed today. I feel like we will have time together. Not complacency, just looking forward to it and relaxing.

We went out to Jade House tonight, the only officially Justin-approved Chinese buffet in Spartanburg. I’ll say this, I’m eating lighter around M; not because I feel like he expects it, but because he eats lighter usually, and it’s easier not to overeat around him than around some of my friends. I like that. He also eats fairly healthily, and it’s nice not to have to worry about him griping about vegetables and stuff. He eats a lot of the same kinds of food I do, which is nice.

We had a nice dinner and just went back to his place to relax. We’re both a bit behind on domestic stuff, so we did a bit of that at his house. His roommate J came in with her girlfriend, and I got to talk to them a bit. I like J, and she’s nice to me, but I can tell she’s holding back a bit to see if I last before she makes the effort, which is fine, and perfectly understandable. I think it will just take an evening of hanging out and socializing and we’ll be buds. It’ll happen.

M and I just lay on his bed and talked for a while tonight. I had kind of spilled my guts over breakfast this morning after having a very emotional moment when I woke to him sleeping beside me. Since he isn’t a morning person, it was a bit much for him to take in so early. Fortunately, I’m used to being around non-morning people and I figured out what was going on. But he took the time tonight to tell me his side of things and not leave me hanging. He read for a while, and I tried to go on to sleep. It didn’t work, which was fine, and we ended up making sweet hot love with the windows cracked as it rained outside.

A post in which I sort out a dream, and start the day

I woke up early this morning. I dreamed heavily last night.

I had been entered in a drag pageant at the insistence of my friends. “You have a great chance,” they said. “You should really do this. We’ll do everything.” The pageant was in a large gymnasium that had been redecorated with a raised dais for the event. The cavernous space was dark except for a large spotlight trained at the stage. As presentation started, I was sitting in the contestant area, in boy clothes, still unshaven. I was like “Where is the stuff? Where is everyone?” Eventually, my friend Michael showed up with a dress. It was a knit dress, fit me poorly, and would clearly show off every figure flaw. He put it over my head. Talent had started and I knew I had to get out there. Russ painted my lips on my still-bearded face, and I ran for the stage.

I got there to a rousing round of derision from the assembled crowd. I finished my number and went into an adjoining room to get away from it all. After it was over, for some reason Portia de Rossi appeared in full Ally McBeal glory. In the dream she was a drag queen, and began to berate and castigate me very loudly and abusively. I was kneeling beside a big pile of dirty clothes, and got angry back and began throwing wadded balls of clothes at her.

A group of people were leaving through the room, and witnessed the scene. “Oh that woman is actually a man,” an older woman commented about Portia. “No wonder those invitations she sent were ridiculously huge.”

Interesting. Aside from the obvious metaphors of airing dirty laundry, being in the spotlight (perhaps because of a conspicuous relationship), and facing the censure of others for my actions, I think it’s pretty clear that my subconscious is telling me I let my friends call the shots a bit too much. Maybe they are well-intentioned, but don’t always know what’s best for me. Not exactly an earth-shattering revelation, but it felt pretty profound at 5am this morning. Of course my friends love me, and I am very grateful for that. They have seen me through a really rough time. But maybe this was just emphasizing to me that it’s OK if I take a bit of the decision-making back.

***

After I kind of sorted that out, I became more aware of sweet M beside me, sleeping. It amazes me that this man is in my life. This little guy with such a small body who has the heart the size of a truck. This man who has waited so long for someone just to treat him like a person, and love him. This man that so many idiots have apparently looked over as nothing more than a pretty package, when such an amazing gift is inside of that wrapping. (I am chagrined that I was one of those idiots.) This diamond who has been overlooked on a beach covered in mere pebbles. I can’t believe how stupid people are, or how lucky I am. I am overwhelmed. My heart is full to bursting with happiness. I break my vow to let him rest, take him in my arms, and wake him.

A post in which I come home to a sweet man - and a surprise

When I got in to work today my write-offs were all back from California. Overnight. That just doesn’t happen. So I’m pretty much set for month end at this point. I got my weekly stuff done and in on time as well. The whole department is abuzz with a special audit project they have going on, but thankfully it hasn’t involved me yet.

So M emails me today and just says he’s going to come down, which just completes a red-letter day for me. He’s tired from his trip catching up with him, so we agree to hit the hay early, and no monkey-business. He needs his rest, and I want him to feel good.

I was going to get my hair cut tonight. I decided it was time to tell Russ what was going on. Russ has heard a lot of the same crap I have about M. I knew he would be skeptical, and he was; mostly because he’s concerned for me. But when I told him what has been happening, he was pretty good about it. He trusts my judgment enough to be open to the fact that what I’m feeling here feels real to me. What M is showing me feels real and right. Oh so right. And oh so SO good.

I got home to find M at the house. He had called me and I told him where the key was. It felt so incredibly good to come home to him. It really felt like coming home. He was watching a movie, and I noticed that the television that died this week was in the floor. He had brought his television to the house and just hooked it up. That really shows a lot of trust at this stage. Of course if things didn’t work out, I would give him his TV back, but its early days for him to trust that.

We talked for a bit, and watched a bit of the movie, then headed out for supper. We went to Cracker Barrel tonight. I was thinking that my mother, and Miss Kat and dana, would be thrilled. That’s about the only time I eat there is with them.

Over dinner we started talking about my friends, their reactions, and people he would be meeting. I’m glad he’s not paranoid, because almost all my friends know him, or know of him apparently. Eventually he was like “Isn’t there anyone I can ask about you? That I would know?” I couldn’t think of anyone. I offered to give him some references to call, but he demurred. The main difference, I told him, was that he’s the pretty one. Of course people are going to watch and comment more on what he does. I’ve kind of reached the age of invisibility in the gay community. Plus I don’t do the bar scene any longer. He didn’t seem overly concerned, but I’m hoping that he’ll be more at ease about that after he meets some of my friends.

We came home after dinner and just went on to bed. The talk we started over dinner just went on. We stayed up talking about pets we’d had, roommates, and just general impressions and memories. The more I see of this man, the more comfortable I get, and the more right this feels. It just feels natural for us to be together.

A post on a strange night

In which things around the house just quit working.

I had a pretty good day at work. I finished up some paperwork my boss had brought back to me to re-do – at 5pm on the Friday before Memorial Day Weekend – and got it signed and off to California for approval.

I sent M some welcome home flowers. I enjoyed sending them, and he seemed really happy with them. He told me tonight that he doesn’t care for roses. Interesting, I have always kind of felt that way about sending them. Sending roses just always seems so pat to me somehow – as if you really didn’t put any thought into it.

I hit the gym after work, and then went home to do stuff at the house. M was coming down tonight. We ended up texting back and forth so much that I didn’t get anything done, but it was OK. He came in while I was scooping the cat box – not the most glamorous image – but still came over for a kiss. After I showered, we just lay on the bed and talked for a while. I love that.

Tonight, I guess, kind of marks the intrusion of the real world into the fantasy stage. Sure we’ve had to go to work and stuff, but today was the point that it came home to me that I can’t go on eating out every night. That I don’t have unlimited funds. (I balanced the checkbook today – I spent WAY too much money in the last two weeks.) Tonight, obstacles started coming up.

We decided just to stay in and eat a frozen pizza. Which was apparently fine. I hated to not be able to offer him better, but he seemed to be fine about that. I wanted to spend time with him, rather than shopping and cooking anyway. I made a couple of salads and went to turn the TV on. And it wouldn’t come on. Apparently the TV is dead. I don’t remember how long I’ve had it, but it’s been at least about seven years, so I guess that’s possible.

Then I noticed that the house was hot. It had gotten heated up baking the pizza, and although the a/c was running outside (I could hear it) there was no cool air blowing in. Hmm. I turned off the air, and decided I’d have to call the repair people tomorrow. I opened the windows and turned on the attic fan to cool the house down some. Fortunately it wasn’t too hot yet tonight. But it was very humid. M was really good about all of this.

We ended up reading for a while, and then cuddling on the couch and talking some more. I found out some more about his past relationships, and probably talked too much about Michael. We talked about the nature of submission vs. the sexual role of a submissive. It was an interesting conversation. He didn’t agree with everything I said, but he was listening. Actually, reading together and talking tonight was great. My big fear is that when he gets to know me, I’ll bore him to tears. If we can read together this is a guy I can really see spending some time with. So as much as I would have liked the magic where we never had to worry about anything but each other to last a bit longer, it is good that I'm starting to see how this might work in the real world. I was worried that when the fantasy ended, so would this relationship. Apparently that is not the case. And that is a very, very good thing.

Not that we spent all of our time reading.

I fell asleep with the fan blowing cool air across the bed, the perspiration built up from sweet sweet loving drying on my body and making the sheets damp, the sweetest boy in the world in the bed bedside me. Even with no air, I’m pretty much king of the world still.

A post in which M returns!!

Well it rained again today. It's rained enough to be a perfect excuse not to work in the yard, although I really need to.

I was just lazy and worthless again today. I don't really know why. Usually I'm pretty self-sufficient when it comes to entertaining myself. But Russ and Billy are out of town, I've spent as much time as I really should at Miss Kat and dana's, and I saw Michael yesterday. Jeff and James are in New Orleans. And I'm watching the clock for M to come back like I'm on death row or something. I know that's crazy.

I had some breakfast and tried to get motivated about doing something in the house today - once again without success. I decided to go out and work in the yard despite the damp, but I needed to have lunch first before I got dirty. After lunch I was sleepy, and catching up on sleep was one of my main objectives this weekend - an objective on which I have made little headway.

I took a nap and woke up about 4. Then I got motivated - finally - to do some stuff. I wanted to have some things done in case I got to see M tonight. I wanted to be ready to go up there, since I figured he'd want to be at home after being gone for several days.

I did some laundry and put fresh sheets on the bed. I hauled off the recycling. I went to the store and cooked some lunches for next week. Pasta in a mushroom-spinach cream sauce (I had some milk going bad I needed to use). I also made a chess pie to take for Danny, since he's been mowing my grass for baked goods. I had time for a brief visit with Kim and Danny, but then took off to finish getting ready.

It was a good thing I left when I did. I talked to M on the phone, and they were much closer to home than I thought they would be. A good thing, but I wasn't ready. I jetted through the shower, packed up my work clothes, and headed joyously for Spartanburg.

M talked to me and told me about his weekend while he unpacked. We had both eaten dinner already, and we both had to work tomorrow, so after he finished unpacking we turned in. The reunion was sweet indeed. Amazingly, he seems to have missed me as much as I missed him.

A post in which I go bumpin around with Michael

I woke up today singularly unmotivated to do anything. There were plenty of things I needed to do, but nothing I really wanted to do. I played around on the computer. I laid around and read for a while, and tried unsuccessfully to take a nap after breakfast.

Just as it looked like I would just waste the day, Michael called. He has been reading the blog, so he knows what's going on with M and me. He called to congratulate me and tease me a bit.

Since it's been a while since we have seen each other, I suggested we go to dinner tonight. Michael wanted to go out shopping today, but I had a few things I really needed to do before I left the house. We eventually agreed to meet a bit later, but still do some shopping.

I cleaned up, headed his way, and we did some of the Goodwill stores and a Big Lots before going to meet Joe for dinner. Michael found a couple of things, but I ended up not buying anything - this despite the bewildering array of paddles we found in one of the Goodwills. All different sizes. It was like a message or something.

We went to Western Sizzlin' for dinner. I didn't even know there were any of those still open, but they seemed to be doing a brisk business. Michael said that when Clemson is in session, it's really busy. It was another country-style buffet, but the food was good. I had a big salad and then just kind of tried a few other things. They had that same kind of clam chowder they used to have at Shoney's that I like so much. I know it's a mix, but it's awfully tasty.

I talked and visited with Joe a bit over dinner, since he stayed home to do some stuff while we were shopping. We went back to their house after dinner, but they had a lot of irons in the fire, and I headed on home.

I read for a bit, and texted back and forth with M to say goodnight. I really look forward to hearing from him in the evenings. I miss him terribly and surprisingly. But there are only so many ways to say "I miss you" in a text message without repeating yourself. Eventually he went on out with his friends for the last night out. They come back tomorrow!! Woo-hoo!!

A post in which I visit Miss Kat, dana, and Greg

After Justin and Amanda left, it was almost 8pm. I was wiped. I had been shopping since 9:15am this morning. I had thought I might just stay in tonight, but when Terry came in from work, he had that look. He apparently had a really lousy day today. I could tell he really needed some quiet time. So I checked in with dana about whether or not it was too late, left him the house, and went on over for a visit.

We had a nice evening, as always. We caught the end of Little Miss Sunshine, which they had never seen, talked, laughed, and just enjoyed each other's company.

I've been missing my baby today. I was tickled to get a text from him. He says the sweetest things to me. Tonight we were texting back and forth, saying too-sweet things we might feel but could never say face-to-face. That's one benefit of texting anyway. In some ways its more honest. We miss each other. He says the guys down there are a bunch of shallow meat-head drug addicts, and that none of them have anything on me. I know he's on vacation, and I know he's off having fun, and that's as it should be. But it sure did warm my heart to hear from him tonight.

I drove home with the windows down and sweet, silkily cool damp spring air stroking my skin. Barry White on the stereo. My mind pleasantly fuzzed from an evening of socializing, my phone vibrating contentedly against my thigh with a good night text message from the sweetest boy in the world. Yeah, I am pretty much king of the fucking world. It just doesn't get much better, unless he's actually with me.

A post in which much shopping is done

I saw Terry off to work this morning, had some brekkie, and took a wee nappie.

When I woke up it was still only about 9am. I debated on going to the flea market. It was overcast, but not raining. Since I had no plans for the day, I went on over. I need veggies anyway. I didn't find any glass at White Horse, so I drove on down to Anderson to have a look around. There was nothing to be found today. There were people out there selling, but I have found holiday weekends to be poor flea market weekends. People are off vacating, not staying home cleaning out grandma's attic for me as they should be.

I was having a hard time getting into the flea market today, frankly; and that's just unheard of for me. I'm missing M. Now that I've had a bit of sleep and can think about anything but lying down, I miss him something awful. I had friends in last night and enjoyed myself, but today just seemed lackluster, even though I was off work and have plenty of fun stuff to do this weekend. It just felt less fun. And last month I would have been perfectly content to be there by myself. I sent him a text, but he probably wasn't carrying his phone today either. And that's really OK. I'm glad he's off having fun.

While I was down there, I picked up a few odds and ends, and called Justin to see what he was up to tonight. Turns out he and Amanda were planning a thrift store/antique place run this afternoon, and he invited me to come along.

They picked me up and we headed for Easley first. We did a couple of places there and then had a spot of lunch at an interesting country buffet. I was disappointed when we went in because I thought it was a Chinese buffet, but Amanda and Justin were all about the country food, and I was ravenously hungry. It turned out that the food was really good, even if the salad bar sucked. Some of the best fried green tomatoes I've eaten in a long time. They also had charming little signs on the napkin holders that we figured the owners' kids had drawn. We ate until we could barley move, and then headed out towards Pickens.

As we were going out that way, I had him stop at a store out there that is in an old jail. I had been out there at Christmas but they weren't open. There were several cool things there, but Justin pointed out a Fire King bowl that matches my old kitchen stuff I'm collecting. Book value on it is $28, but it was marked down to $20. That's nearly a third off, so yeah, I had to have that. After an interminable wait to be checked out by the very nice lady who ran the place (she was visiting with a bunch of women of a certain age who were out shopping together), we headed back to Easley.

"Philbe" 10 1/8" Utility bowl in Sapphire Blue by Fire King, circa 1942 - 1950s

In Easley, we went into a little shop that Justin frequents. In a sale shelf of odd glasses, he found a little flat Knife and Fork juice glass. It has a gold stripe around the edge, which I hadn't seen before. It was on half-price sale for $1.25. Book value on the plain juice glass is $13. The more I get of that pattern, the better I like it. Even in clear. At the same store, Justin found this cool deco samovar/coffee percolator. It was on sale, and it had the cord, original coffee basket and all. He was dying for it, but was out of cash. I loaned him some money. It was just such a perfect thing for him, he couldn't be without it. He says he's going to get rid of his other percolators now.

Colonial "Knife and Fork" 3" 5oz flat juice tumbler in crystal, by Hocking Glass Company, circa 1934-1936. I couldn't find a picture of one with a gold rim. I had never seen one like mine until today.

In the last store, Amanda found a set of silver-plated flatware she fell in love with. It was pretty, and had a great deco box, but it was $120. A pretty good chunk of change. But Justin and I went with her to talk to the man that owns the shop, and he was very nice. She ended up getting the set for $100, and was just tickled to death with it. Also nice, since I have been looking for one forever, was that she didn't like the pie server that was in the box. It was silver plate, but didn't actually match the set. So I bought it from her. I finally have one.

Amanda's silver

While we were there, I also decided I had to have the Old Cafe mint dish they had. I don't know why that piece is so fascinating to me. I bought a Ruby Red one at the beach with Mom last fall, but it turned out to be sick glass and I was so disappointed. But this one was really nice. I paid $15. Book value on it is only $12, but I really wanted it and didn't mind spending the three extra dollars to get it. Justin found some banana splits that are probably Tearoom pattern (which he loves) on super discount because no one knew what they were, so he picked them up for a steal.

Old Cafe low 8" low, tab-handled candy dish in pink by Hocking Glass Company, circa 1936-1940

It was a great store. They had a gorgeous set of Pink Adam on sale at the front - by far the most extensive set I have ever seen assembled in one place. They store owner told me that the man and his wife had taken 30 years to assemble it. I was really glad I didn't have $4,000.00. I would have been sorely tempted.

Thankfully, it was also the last store of the day. I was whooped! We headed back to my place, stopping for sodas on the way to celebrate Amanda's new flatware. When we got back to the house, Justin was too excited to wait to try out his new percolator. He cleaned it out and made a batch of coffee right then, so we had coffee and smoked and talked for a while. It was good to sit down and relax a bit.

Justin and the new samovar!

Justin and Amanda headed back to Spartanburg around eight, and Terry came in from work, which was good. I was thinking about going to Miss Kat and dana's tonight, and he lost the extra set of house keys some time last night. I could leave my set out for him, but I'd really rather not do that. With him being in, I didn't have to worry about letting him in, and could do what I liked this evening.

A post in which I start the long weekend off right

My boss did his best today to make sure that I appreciate my day off on Monday. And that's all I have to say about that.

I did hear from M this afternoon via text. I had sent him a message earlier today. I want to leave him alone to enjoy his time with his friends, but I really miss him. He had left his phone in the room though, and didn't get the message until later. I wasn't like worried or anything, but it was really good to hear from him.

After work, I hit the gym to burn off some steam. I felt much better when I got off the walker. I have this line on the top of my stomach now (like the start of that split down the middle), but all this fat under it on my lower abs, which is odd.

dana had called me this afternoon. Her friend Greg is in town from Atlanta. She invited me over, but since Terry was coming in this evening, they agreed to come to my place instead. When I got home Terry was already at the house. We tidied up a bit. I wanted to make some cookies instead of getting pre-mades at the store, but I had a problem finding a recipe, and by the time I found one they were here, so we didn't have any cookies :(

But it was fine. We had a good visit, and Terry and I told stories from the old days. We ended up watching Vegas in Space, which they had never seen - not a huge surprise.

It was a very nice evening, but we had all worked that day, and before the movie was over, Terry dropped out to go to bed. Shortly afterward, Miss Kat said she had to hit the hay too, and the evening broke up. Still, it was good to see them, and a great way to start the long weekend.

When they left I got Terry up to move him to the sofa, and we ended up having a long talk about the situation with M. It seems everyone is worried about different things that really aren't a problem. Terry is afraid that I'll be overly concerned with not being the pretty one, or what people think when they see us together, which is of pretty much no concern to me. Miss Kat is worried that I am too hung up on his looks. OK, he is gorgeous. But if all I wanted was a romp with a pretty boy, I've already had that. That isn't what's bringing me back for more here. Still, Terry and I had a good talk. He was very encouraging, and I went to bed feeling good.

A post in which M leaves for Florida

Well I was up early again. 5am to be exact. But I couldn’t go back to sleep, despite M being very patient during the trial of a variety of cuddling positions. Eventually I just woke him up. He’s leaving for Florida today anyway. I couldn’t send him off without something to remember me by while he’s gone, right? We ended up with me holding a pillow over my face so I wouldn’t wake up the whole house. There are times when I can be quiet, and then there are times when I just can’t.

We got ready, said our goodbyes, and headed off to work. Doing routine things together is surprisingly comfortable. I tried to talk to his roommate this morning. I wanted to get things off on the right foot with her, but I that attempt pretty much tanked. M said it wasn’t me, and I hope that’s the case.

I’ll miss him. But it’s probably good that we have a chance to back off a little bit. I’ve been trying really hard not to over-think this week; just to let go and enjoy the roller coaster ride for what it is. I am so bad to have to tidy up my brain and cubbyhole everything. I’ve been really trying to just let things happen and enjoy the rush - the magic that is this stage. But after four days on the roller coaster I need a little time. We talked about that a bit last night actually. Thankfully, he was realistic about the fact that neither one of us could keep up this pace.

We texted periodically through the day again, and he called me after he left work and chatted a bit. Surprisingly, I had a very productive day at work. I had to keep working or I would fall asleep. Fatigue is just hanging on me like wet clothes today. Everything I do feels slow and drug-out. It was a long day at work.

Eventually, though, it ended. I hit the gym. That went surprisingly well under the circumstances. And then I went home.

I had intended to eat and go right to bed, but I had to catch up on a bunch of little niggly things that needed doing at the house. Jinx was suitably outraged that I had changed her feeding schedule around to be gone last night, and had to be mollified.

I texted with M a bit. I changed my Manhunt profile, and caught up on messages. I did some emails, and changed out a load of laundry so I could wash my workout clothes.

Then I finished up, took a sleeping pill, and went the hell to bed. Thankfully.

A post in which another quote is stuck in my head

"So hote he lovede, that by nightertale
He sleep namore than doth a nightingale."

Geoffrey Chaucer

Yeah. I'm really sleepy.

A post in which I head to Spartanburg for the night

Well since I was up anyway, I woke M up and we greeted the day in a suitably new fling fashion. He was pretty good about it, especially since he isn’t a morning person.

After that we got up and got ready for work. I sent a bag along with him with my work clothes for tomorrow, and packed an extra lunch to put in the fridge at work. Virgo organization at its best.

I’m still sleepy, but really don’t mind.

Terry, who sits beside me at work today, was giving me down the road about my self-image. I'm the first one to preach to women about the unrealistic body image they are sold by the media, and that American men are societally programmed to expect. Someone brought doughnuts into the office today - again. A woman came over to talk to me about an issue, and not only brought it to my desk, but stood there and ate it while she talked to me. I was saying I was glad that they were on the other side of the area, since I am big as a house already, and Jeannette was like "Steve, you are NOT as big as a house." I said something about having to keep up with my workouts if I was going to have a trophy boyfriend, and Terry was right on me. "Well you may have a trophy boyfriend, but he obviously doesn't want a broomstick." she said. One of my best lines I use on her - "Women are not supposed to be built like broomsticks." Served right back at me.

After work, I hit the gym and then headed for Spartanburg. It was good, I think, that the real world is peeking back in a bit. It actually helped with the drag of fatigue on me as well. When I got done I felt surprisingly good and refreshed.

On the way up I stopped off at Justin’s to get my boom box, which I had left over there Saturday night. It’s an iPod docking station, and the only way I can charge my iPod now, for some reason. Of course I had to tell why I was up that way on a school night. There were a good many questions that I’m just not ready to answer yet, but Justin was pretty good about it. He was thrilled that I’m breaking so many of my rules. This guy is way too young for me, and way too pretty to be anything but trouble.

When I got to M’s house, his roommate and her friends were there hanging out. There I was in my gym clothes. But they were nice, and I love lesbians anyway. One of the things I like best about them is the lack of judgment about clothes. We chatted for a bit, and then they headed off for another softball game, leaving us the house. There was a birthday celebration tonight for one of the girls.

M was packing for his trip for Florida. He leaves tomorrow. I hung out and helped pack the car and stuff, and we talked. I found out a bit more about him, past relationships, etc. Much food for thought.

We went out for dinner at an interesting little Japanese-goes-meat-n-three restaurant near his house, and afterwards went to Wal-Mart so he could lay in some food for when he got back since he wouldn’t have time to do it then. He eats a lot of frozen food, apparently – Lean Cuisine and the like – ugh. But he doesn’t cook, and there are worse things he could be eating. He apparently has to watch his cholesterol as well. It’s surprising how natural it feels for us to just be out doing stuff together, like shopping for groceries. I doubled back to pick up some bread at one point, and when I headed back his way I was surprised to find him just standing there. “What are you doing?” I asked. “Just looking at you.” he replied. I think I understand better now what it is he sees in me, but a lightning-hot bod is just not one of the attributes I’m seeing in the pro column. Nice to be appreciated though.

About the time we got home and stowed the food, the girls were back from the game. After another brief chat they went downstairs to celebrate the birthday, and we headed for bed. The intention was to turn in early, since we both needed the sleep, but of course we got distracted. Neither one of us minded a bit, actually.

It was another long night though. I just can’t get comfortable in his bed, as big as it is. But then I don’t sleep well away from home anyway.

A post in which I am acting stupid, but really kind of enjoying it

I went in to work today with a big possum-in-the-garbage grin on my face. It’s crazy. I know it. But I can’t help it. I’m happy. I’m listening to Barry White and Etta James in the car and feeling like they are singing for me.

I may be an idiot, and I may be setting myself up to get my emotional knees scarred, but there are rooms being aired out in my heart that haven’t seen any fresh air in quite some time. It feels good. It feels like a good long stretch in the sun after being cramped up for a long while. It feels healthy.

We keep texting. I was thinking today about those nature specials where birds repeatedly call to each other to reinforce their bond; repeatedly singing, nodding and posturing to each other to reassure each other that they are a pair. I know that sounds strange, but I just feel the need to hear from him during the day to know that he’s still there. He’s still real. And amazingly, he’s really in my life. I’m acting like a lovesick teenager. At 41 yet.

He came to my house tonight, and walked in with his work clothes for tomorrow. It was hard to leave him last night. I was glad he wasn’t leaving tonight.

We went out for Italian at Gourmet Pizza, and then neither of us got pizza. The waitress was acting all cutesy and showing off. I don’t think he noticed (either she just wasn’t on the radar, or he’s used to people noticing him, throwing themselves at him, slaying dragons in his name, etc), but I guess I had better get used to that kind of thing. It didn’t really bother me, I just noticed it.

Tonight was amazing. We have this connection. The sex is amazing, but almost peripheral. It worries me a bit. I’ve had this rush before. I don’t trust this feeling because it has always led to heartache in the past. But I know myself well enough to know that something safe and tame isn’t going to work for me. I need more. M fills me up and drains me dry. He takes everything I have to give, and then fills me back to overflowing. The feelings are like an ocean. Sometimes calm and comforting, rocking; sometimes it feels like the crashing will smash everything and drown us both. But what a way to go. I’m trying to still that little voice that whispers in the back of my head that passion like this can’t last – it’ll burn itself out. But I also know that sometimes, if you’re lucky, it uncovers the foundation of something you can build on.

Maybe I need my life torn apart. Maybe I need to have that structure gone so I can build something new and different. I don't dare hope for more at this point.

This quote, from Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck, is playing like a loop in my head today:

“Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this
either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks
your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect.
The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are
here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and
*die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with
me and *get* in my bed!”

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Sleeping with someone, though, continues to be a problem for me. And he’s a snuggler. And throws off a lot of body heat. So I ended up a good portion of the night with one cheek hanging off the bed. But I didn’t mind. It’ll work out.

A post in which this quote is ringing in my head

"The dandelions of my life have been ruffled by love...and I stand naked, yet jubilant, facing a bright new dawn."

Berke Breathed

Details will follow. Not sure just when, but they will follow.

A post in which M and I meet for food and a visit, but not a date

Well some kind of barrier fell with M during the night. Surprisingly, after freezing up when I mentioned the word “dating” last night, today he called me and texted me periodically. He asked me out for Tuesday or Wednesday of this week.

When we talked on the phone, he started trying to firm up the date. I said “After all this talk today I figured you’d be here tonight.” He laughed. About a half hour later, he asked me to come to see him tonight. He lives up around Spartanburg.

I called Billy on the way up today and talked to him about everything. I asked him if he thought I was nuts. I really feel like M is showing me something real. Billy sounded genuinely happy for me. He said if I'm seeing something here then I need to see where it goes. I'm a big boy, and I'm going in with my eyes wide open. At this point, if things don't work out, at the very least I'll have had several truly memorable evenings - a great life experience to look back on. Thus affirmed, I went on. Like I would have turned around anyway.

We went out to dinner at a little Mexican place and talked. I was teasing him over the meal and told him to let me know when we started dating. He said probably after this weekend was over. He’s going to Florida this weekend with a bunch of friends. I asked him if we couldn’t be officially dating until he got back so he could have fun on his trip, and he looked slightly abashed.

This, of course, was the perfect segue into a brief discussion of the monogamy thing. He is still drinking the Kool-Aid, which is fine. I’m not worried about that right now. But I told him to have fun on his trip and that I would be here when he got home. I could hear the wheels turning, but we talked of other things.

We had a pleasant dinner, and went back to his place. His roommate was out at a softball game, but they came in later and went downstairs to the den. I had to wonder later if that might be a bit awkward, since things got a bit noisy later on in the evening; but by the time I left they had already gone to bed.

It was hard to leave, but I am really tired.

A post in which I am struck by lightning

Anna called at 8:45am this morning about going to the flea market. We had talked about going, but after last night I had been kind of half hoping she would sleep in. But I wasn’t about to miss a trip to go junkin with Anna. She loves old stuff as much as (if not more than) I do. I dragged my carcass from the bed, brushed my teeth, and then wondered why I bothered when I put my clothes from last night back on. I smelled like Philip Morris had peed on my head. I went to pick up Anna and we set off, stopping by Liquid Highway on the way so the sexy Indian chick there could make us a coupla brews. On the way out from there, Russ called, wanting to go to Anderson. I told him we were headed to Barnyard, and he and Billy agreed to meet us at Starbucks and we’d all go together. I love it when things like that work out.

Duncan was as much fun as ever, although I didn’t score today. We went to the new 101 flea market first (but it was kind of a junk hole) before going on to Barnyard. I ended up getting some toothpick holders (the better to torment Justin with) and a Pedegg, which I had been wanting, even though I’m not seeing the foot fetish guy any more. I had gone back up to get a Manhattan fruit bowl I had been passing up, but it was already sold. That was OK though. I’ll find another sometime.

After the flea market, we went out to Molina’s for lunch because I’ve been wanting to go back and get ceviche tostadas there ever since I found out they had them on the menu. They didn’t disappoint. They were delicious!

After lunch, very tired, I went home to crawl into the bed, even though it was going to screw up my circadian rhythm I knew. But first (act surprised here) I had to check my messages. I got onto Manhunt and started talking to a couple of folks I knew. I was just about to sign off when I saw this vision. I hadn’t seen his profile before and he was just stunned. I sent him a message. I didn’t really have anything to lose, and he talked in his profile about energy, etc, and sounded like he knew about BDSM. I figured if nothing else maybe we could talk for a bit. As it turns out, it was someone I had already met who had changed his look slightly. Yes folks, it was the return of M - aka the roommate.

When I found out who it was, I just went into chatty mode and decided to have a visit. It never crossed my mind that he would be interested in me in the least. So we talked for a bit, and then he was like “Can I come over and snuggle for a while?” And I’m like OH HELL YEAH!!!

I went into this with basically no expectations. I figured that he’d come by, chat for while, we might fool around some, and that would be it. But he’s so incredibly gorgeous that I would have been really happy just to get my hands on him for a bit.

But when he got there he was not at all what I expected. The guy who had been kind of a jerk to me when we first met was real, and nice, and I really enjoyed talking to him for a while. It was rainy and yucky outside – perfect snuggling weather. When I finally decided to broach the snuggling thing he was surprisingly more than amenable.

It was incredible. Astounding. Amazing. We ended up spending the rest of the evening together, talking, laughing, kissing, and making love. He snuggled up to me and was so incredibly sweet I just couldn't believe it. I was blown away. Just floored. When I talked about dating, he froze up on me, but that’s OK. He says we can go out again; we just apparently can’t call it dating. I’m OK with that. He can call it whatever he fucking wants, as long as I get to see him again.

A post in which I have a markeplace moment, and then party

Today was a very interesting day. I was up at 4:30 with insomnia, and finally went back to sleep around 7am. I took a nap because I knew I’d be out late in Spartanburg tonight. Justin’s parties are notorious for running late. I got up knowing I had to clean the house, which was pretty much in a shambles at this point. But first, of course, I decided to get my messages etc. And once again, our hero falls into the Manhunt vortex. There wasn’t a whole lot going on, but I did talk to an exhibitionist guy who cleans houses nekkid. I had always been curious about what it was like to have a house boy, and he was offering fire-sale prices since he’s trying to get a clientele worked up. So I invited him over. And I invited another friend of mine to watch, since exhibitionists really want an audience, go figure.

The initial reveal was pretty hot when he got there, but after that it was surprisingly un-erotic. I put him to work. I can see nekkid men for free, but housework is at a premium. He cleaned the bathroom and kitchen thoroughly, and vacuumed, swept, and dusted the other rooms. It was GREAT! I have always known I was just born to have staff. I called Donnie and invited him over to watch too. We had a lovely chat while catching occasional glances through the kitchen doorway.

By the time he finished up and left I’d had a relaxing day. I read for a while and then got ready to go to Justin’s. Sadly, Anna and I missed each other and she wasn’t able to go.

It was a lovely party. Amanda, Jeff, James, Preston, and Jim were there. Initially though, it was just Amanda, Justin and I for dinner. In despair of cooking for both me (pescetarian) and Amanda (nothingatarian – she’s incredibly picky), Justin just said we would go out for dinner. He had appetizers, cocktails, and dessert at his place. James joined us at the restaurant after he got off work and we had a nice meal, talking and laughing. We went to a pretty good sushi place in downtown Spartanburg.

We got back to the house and after everyone got there we played phase 10 for a bit, but people just really wanted to talk and visit. We had some dessert and then went to Jeff and James’s house for party favors. We went back and forth between the apartments for a while, but finished up the night at Jeff and James’s because we could smoke there. Before we knew it it was very late. Eventually Justin dropped out around 4am. I finished up watching a show on they wanted me to see on OnDemand and went home as well. I got to be around 5:30. Still, it was a great night. But man was I bushed!

A post in which I have yummy Indian food

With my bud Anna.

My boss was off today, which was kind of like a day off for me too. I did my work, but didn't have to worry about surprise reports and the like. Thankfully I remembered my gym bag today so I got to have lunch on my lunch hour.

I tried to make reservations for River's Edge with the guys this year, but there is a waiting list for that weekend. I put my name on the list. Hopefully I'll get to go.

After work I hit the gym and then got cleaned up. I had brought all my stuff with me to shower in the locker room at work, which is very convenient if I'm going out for the evening.

I picked up Anna and took her to Saffron for her first time. She was overwhelmed. The food there truly is amazingly wonderful. We ordered up a feast and re-hashed the camp out and what has been going on in my so-called dating life. She told me about some personal break-throughs she has been having, and a friend of hers she's getting closer to.

After dinner we went and walked around the nearby shopping center. It was a beautiful night, and they have a promenade with benches and flowers. We ended up going in to Barnes and Noble and Anna bought a bunch of stuff. The clerk there was SO cute. I wondered if he was flirting with me, but wasn't sure. I may have to go back in there.

We went downtown with the intention of hanging out in the park for a bit, but there were some faintly scary guys there so I took Anna on home. It was already about 10, and we'd both had a long day today. Still, it was a lovely evening.

A post in which I prepare for the weekend

I forgot my gym bag today, so I went home on my lunch hour to get it. Which would be virtuous of me if I hadn't skipped work outs for the last two weeks. The week after Poppy's funeral I frankly just didn't care, and last week I was making desserts every evening. There was just no way I could work out and cook all evening every evening, or so I rationalized. I went up a level on the elliptical walker, so I'm now two levels above "granny mode". I felt good about that, but it was tough today. I was tired. Still, I decided I wasn't going to give up my lunch hour for nothing.

I really didn't want salad again tonight. I've been eating on this bag of leftover salad that I got from the LOCK camp out, and it's a bit past it's prime. But I had other salad stuff to go with it and I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to eat, so the rule is that when I can't make up my mind I eat what's at the house. So I used up the last of the salad stuff, and then finished up the ice cream that was in the freezer. That's fucked up rationalization for you. Still, better the exercise and then eat the ice cream than to eat the ice cream and not exercise, right?

The other reason I didn't go out tonight was that I'm going out to eat tomorrow night with Anna. I'm so looking forward to spending some time with her and catching up. I washed some clothes so my favorite shorts would be clean for tomorrow night, and turned in to bed early. I'm really beat this week.

A post in which it is a fairly quiet day

Today was a pretty good day at work. I’ve been trying to get a chance to talk to Anna and tell her all about the camp out, but of course when we’re both working isn’t a great time for a long talk. We’ve decided to go to dinner Friday night and hash it all out.

I got in contact with Big Red, and we talked a bit about what's coming up at SELF. She's teaching three classes. I'm definately going to those!

After work I hit the gym, and then decided to go home and do nothing. But the clothes were growing out of the hamper and across the floor, so I had to put a load of laundry in.

I had dinner, checked my messages, and started reading the second Marketplace book, The Slave. It’s not my favorite, but it is still a good book. And I hate reading the series out of order.

Saturday I’m going to have to do some serious house-cleaning.

A post in which I deliver dessert

I went back to work today, fuzzy and muzzy and generally just feeling like a wig that had been through the clothes dryer. It was report day, when I start pulling stuff to get ready for tomorrow’s afternoon meeting. Jeannette, my new seat-mate, was like “What’s wrong? Are you OK?” I tried to demur and tell her that it was just trying to get caught up on work from yesterday making me stressed. She looked at me a moment longer and then said “No. This isn’t a work thing. There’s something going on.” Spooky. I’m going to have to mind my p’s and q’s around this girl. She’s very intuitive, with just a bit of something else. She told me her grandmother had been a kind of Mexican sha-woman. Fortunately I was able to come up with something on the spot to try to explain why my energy was off. If she didn't buy it, she was too polite to say so.

After the third time I was almost in tears, I finally realized what was happening – Dom drop. It’s a common phenomenon among those in the life. After flying on adrenaline and endorphins for so long there’s a price to be paid, and I’d been mostly flying for about two days. Oddly, once I realized what was happening I was fine. I calmed right down, got into the groove, and got some work done. By the end of the day I was all caught up from being out.

After work I hit the gym (for the first time in two weeks! and about damn time) and then headed to the grocery store. One of the things I need to do this week is cut the grass. I was supposed to do it yesterday, but it rained in the morning and I used that as an excuse to be lazy. But I had already decided today wouldn’t be the day. When we were re-capping the camp out for Miss Kat and dana, Miss Kat just looks over at me and was like “So do you have one of those chocolate rice crispy treats for me?” in that casual way of Domme assumption that she has. Of course I was floored, but thinking quickly, I remembered that I had some sponge cake and dream whip at the house. I told her I would bring her a small trifle this week. Tonight was the night. I got some tropical fruit, and called them on the way home.

When I got home, my lawn was mowed. That means I owe Danny a cake. Bless his heart. He cut the neighbor’s grass again too.

I threw some supper down my throat, threw the trifle together, cleaned up the kitchen, and headed for Miss Kat and dana’s house. It’s just always good to see them. We had some dessert and a nice visit.

A post in which I have a date*

I had taken the day off today to kind of get some stuff caught up at the house, but I was too lazy to get much done. I’ve spent the last week in perpetual motion and I guess I just needed some down time. I was also pretty floaty and dreamy still.

I ate breakfast, took a nap, and did some laundry from the camp out: blankets and the like. Changed the sheets. I had a buddy come by for a bit. I picked up my suit from the cleaners, which I had forgotten to do a last weekend, and hauled off the recycling. I had intended to do the thrift shop run today, but ended up short of time. Plus the last time I did Red Ribbon I didn’t find anything but junk really. I think some queen there is skimming off the good stuff before it gets into inventory.

I had a real date tonight. The first in a long time. I called him about 11, but didn’t hear back. I called again around 4, and got him. After he derided one of my favorite restaurants (but told me he had no plans for what we were going to do tonight), he started trying to give me directions to a place neither of us had been before while I was driving. He informed me that his favorite restaurants were all in Charlotte or Atlanta. He finally told me he would just call me back when he got off work. So now I had no idea how long I have to get ready. By that point I was disappointed enough to think about just canceling, but I’m trying not to eliminate guys without going out with them first.

He called me back shortly after 5 and after the SALT talks were re-visited (he's a very picky eater, another pet peeve of mine), we decided to meet at a Mexican place in Easley. I read for a bit, and then headed over there. It was OK. He’s a nice enough guy. But I’d already kind of gotten the ick about it. We had a nice enough dinner, but conversation was hard to come by after I got through the details on the camp out. He listened with a fair amount of interest, but it seemed more of a novelty to him than something he was really trying to understand.

We met for dinner at 6. I drove back from Easley, went to the grocery store, and was home by 8. I guess it's back to the drawing board. Again. It wasn't the fact that he didn't like my restaurant, it was the fact that he was kind of snotty about not liking it. And this was a first date, when he's supposed to be on his best behavior. I couldn't help but wonder what he would be like in a couple of weeks.

I talked to Justin for a bit, and he invited me to a get-together at his house on Saturday. That will be fun. It’s been too long since I’ve seen them all up there.

A post in which I float through the day

Sundays at camp out are always kind of sad. Everyone is getting ready to go. By the time I got up, the tear-down was well underway. I helped for a while, then rounded up all the dessert stuff, loaded up the car, said my goodbyes, and headed home.

I leave the days after camp out as a “floating” day to coast on afterglow. I’m kind of fuzzy and happy, but it’s hard to make decisions. Basically, I’m like Scarlett O’Hara the morning after she gets carried up the staircase. Eventually I ate something and took a good nap. I thought about laundry, but didn’t do anything about it. After straightening up just a bit and a long shower, I felt like a new man.

I called my mother to tell her happy Mother’s Day, and I called Eve. I called Ms Shay and told her about the campout and my new paddles. I sent her pics online. She’s so good to me. She was very complimentary.

I had told Russ and Billy that if they weren’t too tired we could get together later. They called me about three and said they were going to a movie. We agreed to meet at their place and go to dinner later. I had some puppy time with the dogs and Ben came over for a while. After that we went out to the Ni Hao for some cheap sushi.

We dropped by Miss Kat and dana’s house for a re-cap and visit after dinner. It was a nice evening.

A post in which I have my first real toys!

I'm so incredibly proud of them! A matching set of four paddles in curly maple. Isn't the grain gorgeous? These are toys that I can grow with and use for years. Plus I got them used on me Saturday night by Beth, a very sweet woman whom I like a lot. Yeah, getting them was pretty much perfect.

You can see more of these beautiful things here. If you have any questions, just email Gene Whitesides over there. He is a SUPER nice guy.

I'm going to post about the camp out later. Today is my time set aside just to enjoy the afterglow :)

A post in which I get my first big boy whoopin'

After dinner, it was time to play! There was already a scene in process as we started moving chairs and tables out of the lodge so we could move the barrier to increase play space. Ms Jan was running an all-sub game similar to musical chairs, only with paddles and the like. It was funny and fun to watch. It also broke the ice and started getting people warmed up, and everyone could watch and enjoy.

After the game was over, folks started pairing up, talking, etc. I noticed that Beth was missing. She had gone to lie down. When I went to check on her though, she was in the shower, so I figured she was up and getting ready. Later on though, she told me that she was getting a migraine and didn’t know if she would be able to or not. She told me to play if I got the chance, and we could play another time.

There was one really cute girl there with her partner. She had been in the game and had this sassy, almost bratty type of energy. She told me she liked my butt, and we had talked a while the night before. I told her if she wanted to play, she really couldn’t injure me with a flogger. She was unsure though, and so we recruited Russ to help her and kind of do a tutorial and monitor the scene. Things started off a bit rough, but we ended up having a good time. Since she was pretty and flogging me topless (wearing only some pretty pastel teal satin panties with bows on the hips), it was a hot scene to watch, and apparently several people really enjoyed watching it.

When she got done, I started to get up, but Beth was there. I noticed she was carrying the towel that my new paddles were wrapped in. And then the real scene started. She told me later that she thought we would have a giggly fun girl scene like she had had in the past with Billy, but when she got into it; she realized that I really wanted to play. And oh man did I! I really needed a whoopin. We had a great and very intense scene together, and she gave me my first big-boy whoopin really. It was fantastic. Beth took me further than I have been before. At times I was worried I had bitten off more than I could chew, but I know and trust her. That made all the difference. Also, being on the horse helped as well I think. I could just concentrate on what was happening and not have to worry about things like if my legs were going to sleep, or keeping my balance. I haven’t done a scene on a horse before, but once I figured out where my hands and legs and stuff should go I liked it.

Afterwards, I strolled out on the smoking porch, flying on endorphins, and visited and smoked.

Meanwhile, a beautiful woman I had noticed the night before had been checking me out. Her name is Big Red, and she’s from Atlanta. She’s also a good friend of Ms Shay’s. That’s a pretty big recommendation for me. We started talking with her lover Dyllan and Beth. She started a-vampin me, and I liked it. Apparently Big Red came to the scene through the gay leather scene, and really likes to play with gay boys, which of course suits me perfectly. I really enjoyed talking to them. She wanted to play, but I was already torn up pretty well at this point and it was getting late. So we made plans to meet at SELF in Atlanta next month. It’s gonna be like waiting for Christmas!

I went back to my room and slept at Beth’s feet. Just like in the Marketplace books. I was very happy.

A post in which I buy my first real toys, and get my camp job done

Today started out the best way for a camp out to start. I got up and went to the lodge for coffee on the smoking porch as the sun came up. The woods are gorgeous, and Mother Nature has all the plants decked out in finery for the weekend. It’s that time of year in the south when everything blooms, and aggressively green shoots are just aching upwards everywhere.

After breakfast, the vendors set up. There was one AMAZING man – Gene Whitesides - selling beautiful hand-made paddles and canes in all varieties of gorgeous and exotic wood. Absolutely works of art, sanded to a glossy gleam and waxed, not varnished. I was immediately drawn to the table. Now paddles aren’t something I ever thought I would like, but Ms Shay made me love them when she used hers on me for the first time. There were many pretty ones, but the curly maple in particular caught my eye. The grain of the wood was so outstanding. But I only had $50 with me. I talked to Beth when she came in to look, and she told me that the prices on these pieces were very cheap. She said painted paddles with not anywhere near this level of workmanship sold for almost twice as much. I really wanted more than one, so I had to decide which ones I would pick. That took a while. I finally took Billy over with me, and we looked together. I finally decided I had to have the curly maple frat paddle, and really wanted a long “slapper” that matched to go with it. Billy told me he and Russ would go in on the slapper with me so I could get both.

I went on, very happy, but then found myself wandering back through the vendor area. There were two other matching pieces as well: a round “ping pong” type paddle, and a shorter slapper. I had showed my first two to a couple of people who told me that the long slapper I had would probably break eventually. I figured the shorter one would be more sturdy, as well as being more versatile. Mr. Whitesides kindly offered to hold them for me until I could get to the ATM a bit later. His partner was very nice as well. They were just super folks, but then I tend to meet super folks at LOCK.

I had helped clean up a bit after breakfast, but left one of the pans to soak. Apparently they had done an egg casserole without spraying or buttering the pan first. Even after soaking, it was a big job scrubbing that thing. All I had was a little non-stick scrubber, and it just wasn't cutting it. I ended up having to get a spatula and scrape the whole thing down, then scrub it to get it clean. It was a chore.

After a bit more visiting, I went home to assemble desserts. I was in a tither. Getting the desserts to the camp out intact is the most nerve-wracking part. I’m always afraid that something is going to fall apart or get dropped. First, when I got to the house, the bathroom had been trashed again. I got a broom and cleaned up a bit. I started putting the dream whip together for the trifle, and realized I had made a mistake, so I had to run back to the store for more mix. With a (lot) more mix though, it went together fine. I finished up what I was doing, straightened up, and started getting ready to head back up the mountain. When I got out my glaze for the cake, though, it had separated. I was upset, because I thought the glaze was so good. But I stuck it in the car with my cornstarch, and just headed back.

Into interminable traffic. First, I ran into a funeral on Augusta road. When I finally got through that, some ancient woman decided she had to turn left – while all the backed up traffic from the funeral tried to get through. When I finally got around her, there was a bicycle in my lane – in the middle of the lane – refusing to let the traffic by. Then the city had shut down Main Street for yet another dildonic street festival. By the time I got through downtown, I was a nervous wreck. I had a fragile, recently mixed whipped cream trifle in the car, plus two icebox pies, and it was 89 degrees. I had the air on full blast, but my nerves were shot.

I managed to get everything back to the campground OK, and had helpers to get it all inside. I paid for my paddles and got them back to the cabin, and then just tried to chill out a bit before dinner.

When dinner time came, I was out on the smoking porch. People started showing up dressed and I went on back and put on my outfit, my super-slutty jeans (which – yay! – I’m back down into) and a purple fairy t-shirt I bought for the camp out but have never worn. I thought I looked pretty good. I got back in time to go in and for the announcements to start. While everyone ate, I started slicing things and getting them ready to put out. When I went to take the icebox pies out, I realized that I had left the rice crispy treats in the fridge. I popped them in to make sure the chocolate was firmed up, but intended to leave them in only for an hour. They were still in, and the chocolate on top was hard as a brick. There was nothing to do but start trying to carve them up. I got a decent knife, but it wouldn’t work as far as the sides go, and my arm was wearing out. I got a cleaver, which worked OK since I could slice down into them, but then the cleaver handle broke.

Meanwhile, the kitchen is roasting and I am trying not to let sweat from my face get in anything. I had a paper towel to blot with, but it got in the chocolate crumbs and I smeared chocolate all over my face. I went and washed my face. I eventually got everything cut up and plated, and ate a bite of supper. After I ate, I went out on the porch for a mo, and looked for Kay to find out when I should serve dessert. As I was asking where she was, I heard a chorus from inside “DES-SERT! DES-SERT! DES-SERT!!” I decided just to go back in and serve. I grabbed some guys, put my toppy boots on, and started giving orders. While I was heating the glaze for the cake, they got everything else out and ready to go.

Dessert was a huge success – probably the best one since I have been doing them. People come expecting to be wowed, and save room. When I ducked back through the dining room to see how things were going, I got a spontaneous round of applause, and many compliments. It was very gratifying. That’s one of the best things about cooking for LOCK. People realize that you’ve gone to trouble for them and they really appreciate it. I get my best feedback from LOCK. It was worth every minute of work I put in this week.

A post in which I finally get to the camp out!

I was panting with impatience all day long, so of course we had a crisis right when I was about to leave that I had to attend to. But I took care of it, and got the heck out of the office.

I have men coming at me from all directions. I have a date Monday night, I met a guy at the barber shop last night, and today Kay texted me to tell me that she was bringing me a man to the camp out as well! I couldn’t wait, so I had been texting her today at work. It rained cats and dogs for about an hour this morning, but then cleared up. I hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow! Sunday I don’t care about.

I got home, threw things in the car in record time, and was just about to jet out of the house when I realized that a) I had forgotten my cigarettes; and b) I hadn’t taken the frozen cakes out to thaw. I took the cakes out, but couldn’t find my cigarettes anywhere. I just stopped and got more on the way.

I made it to the camp ground in good time and proceeded to start greeting people. There were a lot of new people though. I went in to eat something because I knew I needed to or my blood sugar would be messed up. Russ and Billy had thoughtfully brought me some sushi to eat, which I thought was super nice of them. I ate as fast as I could and still be reasonably polite. I was ready to start socializing!

Kay introduced me to Patrick, the guy she wanted me to meet. He was really nice, but just not at all my type. But if Kay likes him there has to be more to him than I could see.

I found and greeted Joanne, Rob, and Mikah. It’s always good to see them. I know them well enough now that I’m not shy around Mikah anymore. He’s straight, and at first that was hard for me, but he’s such a nice guy that I’ve gotten over it. Rob was his usual flirtatious pretty self. That is one good looking man. Joanne was just like she always is. She’s brassy but she has a heart of gold.

Little Brandy came up on the smoking porch and threw herself at me. She is the sweetest little thing.

As the sun went down, we all greeted each other and settled in to play.

Well some people did anyway. I really wanted to play, but couldn’t seem to get it put together. Kay was too tired; but bless her heart she had worked herself half to death putting everything together and I couldn’t blame her. We decided to play tomorrow afternoon. I had already asked Beth if she wanted to play tomorrow night. I’ve gotten less shy about asking people to play now that I’m a bit more sure of myself. And Beth is super nice. We had a really good talk the last time we shared a room and I got to know her a bit. I really like her.

So I relaxed and smoked and talked, and watched some of the scenes. A very sexy woman with a white streak in her dark hair (ala Lily Munster, only sexier) was working a guy over pretty hard with a single tail. The scene just went on and on. I was amazed he could take so much. I found out later that his wife had a heart problem and couldn’t whoop him anymore, so she came with him to get him what he needed, and sat and watched the scene. I found that very touching.

Rob had some girl on the cross on the other side of the room, flogging her. She was so short he had to get down on his knees to do it, and again it was a long scene. I thought that had to be killing his knees, but he just kept on going.

I hung out with Russ and smoked and talked the evening away. It was good to see everyone. I felt very peaceful; as if I was where I needed to be. I watched the moon rise over the trees and the pond you can see from the lodge, surrounded by friends, and all seemed right with the world.

When we turned in, Joanne was on Ambien and had stayed up too long. She, Russ, Billy, Rob, and Mikah were having quite a high old time giggling and tickling each other and singing little songs like kids. I wish I could remember the words to the “My titties are pretties” song – that was a scream!

A post in which I get my hair done, and get the low-down

It was pretty much a red letter day today.

I was up at 3:30, again, but I just went ahead and ate something so I could go back to sleep. It worked. I was bleary when I woke up, but at least the reports are pretty much over. By the time I got to the office I was OK though. I had a great day at work.

I was able to clear a bunch of odds and ends off my desk (despite my boss’s new bureaucratic roadblock announced today). I’m almost completely caught up, which almost never happens. I can take Monday off with a clear conscience now.

I had a fraud guy call this afternoon that I could play with. We’d already caught him, so we hadn’t shipped him any product, and I held all the cards. I am just sadistic enough to really enjoy playing with them like a cat with a mouse. Sadly, he realized all too soon that I had his number and he was making no headway, but he still tried to bluster his way through for a bit longer. Not as long as I would have liked, but it was still fun.

I had a big set of documents I have been dreading putting together, but they were in better order than I thought they would be. That task went much more easily than I thought it would.

After work, I went to get my hairs did. On the way there I talked to the new guy, Allen, and asked him out for Monday when I get back. It’s nice to have an actual dinner date to look forward to. That hasn’t happened in a while. Of course once I got to the shop, Russ knew who he was and gave me the skinny on him. I’m taking it with a grain of salt for now. I think I have the fortitude to make it through dinner in any case.

There was also another guy in the shop that Russ introduced me to. He was nice, and I think I may have detected a spark of interest. I hung out at the shop and talked to him while he had his hair cut. He’s a nice guy. He’s not my physical type, but I find that becomes less important the longer I’m single. Sure there needs to be some attraction there, but at this point I’m looking for a companion. I want sex too – I love sex – but that isn’t the definitive thing at this point. Either way, it made me feel good to have a coupla bees buzzin around my honey tree a bit.

After that I went by the post office and mailed my last Mother’s Day card, so that’s done. On my way back I passed a dirt lot where some boys were playing volleyball. There was a shirtless Hispanic guy out there who was so purty he made my teeth hurt. Of course he was in his 20’s, most likely straight, etc, but I didn’t mind looking.

I really needed to do my packing tonight when I got home, but I just felt like sleep was hanging all over me. I washed a load of clothes so my favorite shorts are clean, and put some clothes in a bag. I got some of my bedding stuff together. But I didn’t pre-load the car, as I really should have. I also didn’t toast my coconut tonight, which was my last dessert job. But I guess I can do that on Saturday when I come home to pick everything up. I was just too sleepy to keep going.

A post in which I maintain my sanity

And for today, that's saying a good bit. It has been an exceptionally tough month end.

Despite how tired I was I was up at quarter to 5 this morning. Worrying about desserts, plus looking forward to the camp out, has whipped up the insomnia. After trying for 45 minutes to go back to sleep, I just got up. I addressed the Mother's Day cards, except for one. I have to get a new address.

I actually got to work feeling pretty fat n sassy today. My desserts are going pretty well, my schedule for the week is laid out, and I got tons of work done yesterday. My official camp out song this year is Beyonce's Sugar Mama (I am, after all THE sugar mama for the camp out. I may not get to play with everyone there, but I can make sweet love to them all with my sugar bowl, baby!), and I grooved to it in the car all the way in. Sadly, my good mood didn't last for long.

I had intended to mail them from work today, but when I opened up my email, that Canadian bitch had taken a big dump in my inbox and I forgot all about the cards. I spent the morning doing her twit bidding, and arguing with IT about a report that is screwed up. About 2pm, I figured out the screwer-upper was in the credit department. My boss likes him. Good thing for him. I will reserve my opinion. For once. I was able to get it all straightened out and actually started digging myself out of the Hellacious Report Vortex this afternoon. I was really grateful for that.

I broke for lunch and talked to Anna a bit, which is always good for dramatic renewal of purpose. She's as interested in cooking as I am. She commiserated on the sponge cake story, and was encouraging about my chocolate fears.

On the way home from work, I figured out how to do things the easy way, and then relaxed. Tonight I'm making chocolate rice crispy treats with cocoa crispies and chocolate chips in them. That's for the chocolate people. I've learned not to try to be subtle or balance flavors for the chocolate people. All that really counts to them is how much chocolate you can possibly pile into a dessert. To that end, I wanted to dip the treats in melted chocolate when I got done and make those pretty "dip swirls" on them like the ones you see at the bakery. The problems were a) working with the double boiler with some expensive stuff that I really couldn't re-do if I screwed up; b) what the hell to put them in so they would stay fresh until Saturday night; and c) where to hide them to keep people out of them. I solved all three problems by just deciding to leave them in the pan and pour the chocolate over them. That eliminates the double boiler. I can melt the chocolate in the microwave just fine for that. If I leave them in the pan, they'll be easy to seal, store, and transport. Also, the chocolate will kind of help "seal" them to keep the cereal from getting stale. And if they aren't cut, that will keep little hedonist hands from getting in them before I'm ready to put them out. Most likely.

When I got home, I talked a bit to the new guy. He is nice. I hope we get to meet.

It rained cats and dogs at lunch, and again on the way home today. It has rained every day this week. I really hope things dry up in time for the weekend. Camping in the rain is yuckky. Any camping with the LOCK folks is good, but it's much better dry.

I ran by the post office on the way home and got all but one of the Mother's Day cards in the mail. That means I don't lose a day, since it would have taken them all day to get back to the main post office anyway.

Putting the treats together was really easy, but incredibly messy. I have never made them before. If you decide to try this, I highly advise buying stock in Pam. Spray your hands, your clothes, the counters, the mixing bowl, the utensils, and the pan. Spray everything you don't want rice crispy goo stuck to. Since I was making double batches, I had to get out the Big Bowl. It's a pain to wash, but when you need something washtub sized to mix in, it's pretty damn handy. I also had to go get more marshmallows. It takes a LOT of marshmallows. A pound for every six cups of cereal. A pound of marshmallows is a lot more than you would think. Almost two bags. Since I made two double batches, I used almost eight bags of marshmallows! They did turn out tasty, but really sweet. They won't last ten minutes once I put them out, but I called Billy and ran down what all I had made and he said we had plenty, which I'm sure we do. I just don't want anyone to be disappointed because they missed out.

I had a bite of supper, and then did the chocolate for the top. One pan is made with semi-sweet chips, and one with milk chocolate chips. They were then topped with semi-sweet and milk chocolate respectively. There ended up being almost two pounds of chocolate in each pan. That ought to hold my chocolate people :)

And HOORAY! I'm done!!

Hopefully I can sleep tonight. Of course I'll knock myself out Friday and Saturday, but it would be nice not to be a short-tempered zombie tomorrow at work. Tomorrow I get my hair did, and then toast coconut for the trifle and pack when I get home. One of the great things about doing the desserts is that since I get my work done the week before, I can pretty much relax and enjoy myself once I get there. And that's a good thing. Cause I need a whoopin'.