Ice is a-comin!

Those of you who do not live in the South cannot possibly understand the sheer panic that the threat of inclement weather induces. Women begin to buy bread and milk in vast quantities, because for some reason when you are trapped in the house, you must have bread and milk, or you shall surely perish. Men go into "survivor mode" and begin making sure they have 4-wheel drive vehicles in working order, and guns to protect the homestead from looters and abominable snowpeople. When the actual precipitation begins, they consign the "women-folk" to the house and go out to "lay in supplies".

There is no doubt in my mind that some Southern men spend their whole lives never visiting a grocery store except under Threat of Pending Disaster. It's kind of like the guys who go to the mall only at Christmas, but this is much more manly. You are laying in provisions on which the very lives of your family may depend during the 48 hours you are snowed or iced in.

Bad weather here taps into the primal instincts of men to protect their families, I think. We are so civilized and insulated from actual threat during the course of our day-to-day lives that this protection instinct must be even more fierce when it finally comes to the fore. South Carolinians have an uneasy relationship with precipitation at the best of times. As previously stated, something about water coming from the sky taps into a primitive sense of distrust of the elements, as well as a reverential awe for the mystery of weather. Rain makes us play bumper cars on the highway. Snow or ice - hard, debilitating precipitation - is cause for outright hysteria.

I have spent many amused times, waiting endlessly in the snarled checkout lines at the grocery store (because I have kitties who need bread and milk too, you know), watching the things people Must Have if they are going to be unable to leave their houses. Like skinny women laying in cases of Oreos, and the strange instinct straight men have to buy large quantities of canned meat (I don't know either). One year, my dad went by the local McDonald's, just as they were getting ready to send the staff home. He bought like 35 leftover cheeseburgers and hamburgers that they were going to throw out, bringing them triumphantly home. The hunter had Provided! Some non-traditionalists here insist that the weather services are in the pay of the grocery stores, and contracted to announce pending bad weather periodically just to help move old stock.

Now for those Yankees reading this, and chuckling condescendingly, I will tell you there is a kernel of truth in all this panic. Since we rarely have bad winter weather here, we don't have the road equipment you guys do, sand and salt trucks, etc. There are some, but not really enough to adequately maintain the roads when things go really wrong. Also, people here have no idea how to drive in snow or ice. They are really dangerous if they are on the road. I'm not usually as worried about me losing control of my vehicle as I am about the other crazy loons out on the road. Also, we don't usually get just snow. We get ice and freezing rain. This coats the roads in a shining laminate of ice that is, as my father says, "slick as owl snot". Add to this the fact that the temperature is usually hovering around freezing, and rather than just ice, you have ice coated with a thin sheen of water in the day time. Basically a big "Slip n Slide" for cars. The final kernel of truth in this panic is the Billybob factor. There are redneck guys around here that wait with great impatience for the inclement weather. They then get out in the 4-wheel drive vehicles to "scout" or just revel in the fact that they can be out in it, while Lesser Mortals have to remain (prudently) at home. Additionally, they want to help others. These men either have no families, or are unable to slake their protectionist instincts by buying cases of Treet. They must not only protect their own, but go out to Rescue Others. The problem is that most of them have no idea how to drive in snow and ice, and they frequently end up a) causing additional peril; b) unable to help those in need of rescue; or c) in need of rescue themselves. I am sure there are many dedicated men in our fire, ambulance, and rescue services who fervently wish that the sale of 4-wheel drive vehicles was immediately banned to the general public.

I am driven to these contemplations by the announcement today at work that inclement weather is to arrive on Thursday of this week. Thus far, the office has made the following announcements:

1) The quarterly meeting, scheduled for 8am on Thursday, is to be re-scheduled (always welcome news, whatever the reason).

2) Thursday is to be a "blue-jeans" casual day. Because I would be much more likely to risk life and limb, if only I could wear blue jeans to do it in.

3) They are providing free lunch for all employees in the cafeteria on Thursday. Because after all, it would be well worth totaling my car, provided I get a free chicken sandwich!

They cynical side of me thinks that these are pretty stupid (cheap) incentives to get people to come in, done because if our call center here is disrupted, the company stands to lose millions. If our customers can't get through to us, they will call a competitor. In these days of just-in-time inventory, a delay of hours is unthinkable. The other side of me can see their side of things. If there is a single visible crystal of ice outside Thursday morning, 3/4 of our workforce will call in, regardless of the condition of the roads. I have seen it happen. For some reason, the words "Snow Day" can make irresponsible children of the best of us.

***

In other news, my friend Rodney came over for dinner last night. It was nice. I had some Tuscan Bread Soup in the freezer, so I baked that and did an improvised salad of mixed spring greens and tomatoes, with Christmas ice cream for dessert. It was quite nice, and it was very good to see him. He's a sweetheart.

He's a very important guy for a large company, and travels all over the world. He lived in Mexico for a year at one point. I love cooking for him, because he really likes to eat, and doesn't have a huge, picky "won't eat it" list, as so many of my friends around here do. Plus, he lives right around the corner, so it's easy for him to pop round for dinner. Since it looks like he'll be in the country more for the next little bit, I'll have to have him over more often.

He's also a smart guy. We discussed politics for a while when "The Daily Show" came on, and he's having as hard a time as I am deciding whom to vote for in the primaries. He says he can live with any of the top Democratic candidates, and will vote for the least crazy Republican canditate in the primary (probably McCain) since we have an open primary. I have done that in the past as well. The Democratic Primary here is pretty much a formality, usually, although the state could go blue this year (I doubt it, but I have heard unsubstantiated hot n juicy rumors to that effect). We both lament the way the system has developed to keep an honest or average person from ever being elected. Sigh.