A post in which I put up the first Christmas tree in four years

In many ways I have been dreading today. First because the house had to be cleaned. It could no longer be put off. Secondly, of course, I had been dreading today because we were putting the tree up. I haven’t put the tree up since Michael left. It was up for that last, terrible Christmas because we had to separate the ornaments, and I really hadn’t cared anything about seeing it since then. The center of my tree for the last five years I put one up was a large Christopher Radko ornament I bought at Disney on our honeymoon, and I really didn't know how it would feel to see it again. But I was challenged to a personal growth task by the Kindred, and it was probably time to get it back out. Plus when I made the pledge, it seemed a year away, and safely distant.

Before I got started, I ate a decent breakfast and went to the flea market. I had to buy fruit, and wanted to look around for some Christmas gifts. I found the former, but struck out on the latter. I also unexpectedly found myself on the verge of tears several times. I was thinking this was not a good omen. I know, and I’m sorry. I’m sick of listening to me whine too. But it’s the truth.

When I got home, I got stuck in and made the dust fly – and about fucking time I did too. I knew what had to be done, and what I wanted to get done, and I did almost all of it. This took some time. In the end, the house looked pretty good, and I was tired. Everyone was late, but that gave me time to do the little things like wash the wine glasses (Russ had given me a bottle of red to open to commemorate the occasion). About the time I sat down, Russ and Billy pulled in. And that was a good thing. I didn’t have time to get broody. I’d been too busy today to really dwell on it.

They burst into the house in an exuberant tumult, and I was tickled to see them. Billy had brought snacks with him, and thank goodness he did! I’d been so rattled about the whole thing that snacks even crossed my mind, unbelievably. Since the rest of the gang was running late, we went ahead and got all the stuff down from the attic. I put the tree together and fluffed it.

Shortly afterwards, Jeff, James, Amanda, Morgan, and Andrew spilled in the door. We poured wine, got them settled in, and I started trying to direct people toward the tree. Jeff, as I had hoped he would, just took over. He of course re-fluffed the tree, then fixed the lights. He and Billy did the garland, and after that we got the ornaments out. Billy took over the suddenly very complicated job of ordering the pizza, and in short order it was there. We ate, and then everyone chipped in and hung ornaments. I even hung a few, and that was the last thing I was intending. Usually I re-live the memories of the ornaments I've collected through the years as I put them up, but I was content to let everyone else get them out this year. I found that I had gotten the big ornament down by mistake, and Billy hung it for me. It was OK. There were ornaments I was very glad to see; some of them have lovely memories attached. Russ had brought me an ornament to commemorate the occasion. It was so thoughtful of him. I was quite surprised to realize that I was having a very good time.

I had thought that having my friends around would make this procedure bearable, but they did so much more. Surrounded by people I love and having the house full of laughter and conversation was deeply satisfying to me in a way that I can’t adequately describe. My house felt like a home, not just a refuge. I am such a lucky, lucky man to have such wonderful people in my life. My cup truly does runneth over. There are times that I have to remind myself of that, but tonight was not one of them.

When the tree was done, we just sat and visited and talked. I made coffee. I hadn’t gotten any dessert, but there was a frozen chocolate pound cake in the freezer, so I just popped a couple of slices into the toaster oven and served that. Morgan and Andrew gave us all exquisite little Hanukkah cards with lovely little notes inside. Almost before it seemed possible, it was over, and they were going.

I straightened up the house happily, with only one mar on the occasion. As I was putting mugs away I broke one of my hand-thrown pottery bear mugs. I love them, and had paid a good bit for them, but when you use things (like hearts? too schmaltzy?) they get broken sometimes. That's just part of life.

I spent just a moment admiring the tree before I turned it off and got into the bed with a thankful heart.