A post in which I take the long way home

I got up with Mother again today and saw her off to the hospital. The worst was over and there wasn’t such a pall over the morning today. Lisa was up by the time Mom left, and since the baby and Cole were still sleeping we had time for coffee and talk this morning. Lisa doesn’t talk to me much about her home life, but she seemed to want to unburden herself today. I feel so bad for her. I wish she were happier. I talked to her a bit about being single now, and the loneliness I’ve been feeling lately. I probably have as little comprehension of her problems as she does of mine, but it helps to have someone who loves you to listen.

But there was stuff to do. The kids got up and we got them ready to go out. We met Carl (my brother-in-law) out for an early lunch before the visits today. We headed on over to see Grandma Shumate, but they had just served her lunch when we arrived, so we went to the hospital. As soon as we walked in the door, I ran back out to get some lunch for Mother. Since I had spent several hours with her yesterday I figured Granny would want to see Lisa and the kids anyway.

For some reason when I went out to get Mother’s lunch today, it just suddenly all became too much. Traffic was snarled, half the town was apparently having lunch at the McDonald’s, and it felt like the last straw. I just felt rubbed raw, as if I didn’t have a scrap of patience left. I haven’t really even done anything, but it didn’t seem to matter. I gave myself a mental shake and pulled myself together, but I continued feeling hollowed out like an old wooden shoe, as if I just don’t have anything else to give; completely without justification, which makes it worse. But sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other. I got lunch for Mom and headed back to the hospital.

That visit concluded, we went back over to see Grandma Shumate. Sunday is a crowded day there, and both of the visiting parlors were full, so we all just stayed in her room. Grandma was having a hard time hearing me yesterday, and unfortunately that continued today. That, plus of course being limited to subjects that won’t upset her, makes it hard to keep the conversation going. We stayed for a while, but the visit today did not go as well as I would have wished. Ava was in rare form though, and Grandma enjoyed watching her caper and play.

We left there and went back to Granny’s house for Lisa to pack up her things. Carl was orchestrating their quick exodus as if they had robbed a bank or something. They’re stopping in Greenville on the way back to see Dad as well, and for Carl to pick up a truck from him. I can’t imagine. After the great kerfuffle involved in their leaving, the house seemed oppressively quiet. I finished some tidying up and loaded my car, then headed out. I didn’t even feel relieved. I just felt drained.

Jeff and James were having dinner at their house tonight, as they do most Sundays. I was invited and I had thought it was just what I needed, but I couldn’t decide if I was even up for it or not. I really felt wrung out completely. Plus I have things I need to do to get ready for work tomorrow. I rode for an hour or with no music or book playing. I looked at the fields and the mountains as I passed them. I thought about life, and the cycles thereof, and the sadness of some of the phases. The fact that they are part of the natural progression doesn’t make them any easier to bear. I thought about my own mortality, and my mother growing older. I prayed.

After a while I started to feel some Steve start to seep back into me. I’d had enough quiet, and turned the CD book back on. By the time I got to Spartanburg I was ready to see my friends. I decided I needed to see everyone more than I needed a full pantry and clean sheets to start the work week. I needed some friend love time - and a drink. Getting to James and Jeff’s house was like getting to an oasis after a long dry spell. I quenched myself in the love and fellowship of treasured friends. I cast off the process of dealing with the ending of a life to embrace the one I’m living. It was the right thing to do. I felt renewed when I left.