A post in which my father is driving me crazy - again

He started it. I sound like a six-year old. Which I guess is as good a place as any to enter in to a dialog about my father.

It started on Sunday. He picked a bunch of that right-wing bullshit (which he no doubt finds profound) out of his email, and forwarded it to me. And I'm sitting there reading it Monday and thinking 'why the hell would he send this to me?' He knows I would never agree with any of it, and it would just piss me off. So I emailed him back and asked him why.

His response:

You are right, I knew you would consider the views in that tacky E-mail to be junk because it points out the junk views and laws that the current leaders of our country have us living under. I should not have sent it to you.

It is like everything else that I can not talk to you about. You see, you are my only son and I would like to share my core values with you. I know you think you are far smarter than I, and my views are antiquated. But one day you may realize the life I have lived and the experiences I lived through, resulted in insight you have not had time to learn, yet.

My number one core value is my Faith in Jesus Christ. We live in a nation where we are not allowed to acknowledge him in public. Obama told the world in one of his speeches that the United States is no longer a Christian Nation. I think he is wrong. Perhaps he should study the principals this country was founded on, #1 being Freedom of Religion. I don't care if our leaders are Repubs or Dems, black or white, Christ should not be removed from Christmas. In our nations capital, we do not celebrate Christmas, rather it is Winter Holiday. We no longer have Christmas trees, they are referred to as Holiday trees. By executive order, no religious theme can be expressed in any decorations at our White House.

Political correctness is going to be the Death of our entire way of life in this Nation.

This is my view of things, and if this offends you, I have truly failed in my duties as a Daddy.

For those of you who weren't raised Baptist, that's a big ole load of religious guilt, with a sizable helping of emotional blackmail thrown in. Not to mention a good portion of the latest Cafferty File for good measure.

I shook my head, swallowed it, and deleted the email, as usual.

But apparently I'm enough like my father that I couldn't let it go. I can't believe he has started this crap again.

I then got a press release about the Catholic church's stance on the new marriage equality act passed in Washington DC this week. Apparently, if they are forced to non-discriminatory hiring practices, or having to extend benefits to same-sex couples, they are threatening to close homeless shelters and adoption agency in DC. Very Christ-like. I shouldn't have sent it to him, but I did.

His response:

Yes Stephen, the catholic church is extremely compassionate toward any person in need of any kind. Our own church has over 30 ministries that support those less fortunate in our own community. We give food, clothing, shelter, medicine, financial aid, counseling, pray with them and for them 24 hours per day, everyday. We support missionaries is every foreign country, feeding the starving, building houses, drilling wells for fresh water, build churches, medical clinics, schools, build homes for and support orphans.

But the church has basic core values that we cannot support.

We do not believe in abortion and refuse to finance any group that supports it or promotes it.

The church teaches that homosexuality is against nature and against the teachings of our lord. We believe that marriage refers to a union between 1 man and 1 woman. Groups that support otherwise are acting in direct opposition to our core beliefs. The church cannot support those groups.

You are my only son and I love you very, very, much. I will love you as long as I breathe. I will love you, feed you, shelter you, protect you to the last ounce of strength in my body. I pray for you every day. You see, I have learned to separate you, my son, from your lifestyle. I love you as no-one else on earth ever will, but your lifestyle is a source of sadness for me. Please understand, I am not trying to start a fight, or insult you. I love you too much to ever do that.

Love, your Daddy

In other words, more of the same. Note the closing - pulling those emotional heart-strings. I haven't called my father Daddy in at least fifteen years.

I emailed him back, telling him, basically, to leave it. I'm 42. I won't be indoctrinated, and I don't see a church that would rather pull the crust of bread from a homeless man's mouth than be fair to someone like me as anything I want to be a part of. Thought I'd get that out of the way before they started trying to guilt me into going to Mass with them again this year for Christmas. If I was going to align myself with an organized religion, it certainly wouldn't be with an organized religion as intolerant and blood-soaked as the Catholic Church.

And so we pick up the clubs and go at each other's bloody heads yet again. I should be angry. Angry would help me take part. But I'm just tired.

I'm tired of our history. I'm tired of this battle. I'm tired of trying to maintain some semblance of mental health in the face of his constant rage, censure, and disapproval. I'm tired of trying to hold on to my sense of Christian duty towards him in the face of the constant belittling and sneering that I endure in his presence. I'm tired of trying to charm my way around his temper when I want to scream. I'm tired of trying to live in denial of the fact that my own father subscribes to the belief that I, his own son, am an abomination - a monster destined for hell.

Work is insane. I am lonely. I seem to have a better chance of being struck by lightning than to ever again enter into a meaningful relationship. I'm exhausted with my health. I just can't fight everything. I don't have the energy.

And now, on top of everything, he starts in again. I've already told them that I will ride with them to Lisa's house for Christmas. If I don't do it now, he's going to see it as an insult and get his ass on his shoulders about it. If I do go I'm going to have to listen to either a) a sermon; b) a political lecture; or c) his wounded guilt act for over four hours in a car. I just don't think I'm up to it.

The only thing that I can do is lay this down, pray about it, and try to give it over to God. That means doing more swallowing and smiling. More artful deflecting. More charming. And at this point, I just don't know where I'm going to find the strength.

So I did pray this morning. I tried to open my heart and let the peace in to take the place of the frustration and anger. Maybe this was God trying to get my attention again. If so, He truly does work in mysterious ways.