A post in which I feel like an asshole

Well I came on home from work, obviously. It was a bit of a shock. I mean I knew it was coming, but I didn't expect it to be quite so soon. In my mind, I had seen Cindy showing up and making amends before BB died, but that didn't happen. I just got home, lit a cigarette, and sent some texts to my friends to let them know. I called and talked to Michael. BB thought a lot of him, and I figured he would want to know. I canceled our camping reservations for the weekend, which seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

I was really, really tired. I just wanted to sleep. So I lay down and took a nap. I felt more like myself when I woke up. But there was stuff to do.

Eve had asked me to make macaroni salad (Dad's favorite) for the funeral luncheon, so I went to the store and got to work on that. I also got the stuff to make a chocolate pound cake (Eve's favorite). By the time I got the salad done and the cake in the oven, M was home. I had called him and told him I canceled our reservations, and he didn't have much to say, but he sounded kind of disappointed. I was conflicted. The funeral is set for Monday, and when I talked to dana (she called twice to check on me today, bless her) she made the remark, "Well, at least you'll still get to go camping this weekend."

That got me to thinking. Maybe I should go. Would that be weird? When M got home we talked about it, and I called Lisa. She told me she would go. Thus girded, I called Dad. To my surprise, he was all for it, and thought that there was no problem. So I called the Edge, but they had already closed the office for the day. There was a waiting list, so I doubt we get to keep our cabin. But that's my fault. I didn't think I was a drama queen anymore, but apparently the tendency dies hard.

I have good friends. I got several texts yesterday of people checking on me, and Justin called last night too. M continues to be an angel, and checked in with me several times today to make sure I was OK.

M and I ate a simple dinner and watched a movie, and then just went on to bed. I'll work it out tomorrow. Or so I thought. Despite M's best efforts to soothe me and make me feel better, I couldn't sleep. As usual when something's wrong. I got up and messed about on the computer for a while, but eventually I went back to bed and slept.