Picking up the reins again

Apparently I have decided to return to the fool's paradise. I'm ending the latest pity party and trying to mend fences with my friend.

I am a smaller person than I would like to be (inside - outside I still have the physique of a shaved penguin - who is retaining water). Of course if my friends are in LOVE I should be happy for them, and supportive, despite the problems I see in the situation. I've spent so much time trying to shore up my sister's disastrous love life through the years, and trying to be supportive of her, that I'm just burnt out on it. I've been cheerleader for the losing team so often that it's hard to stomach. I've held back on so much Truth (as I see it) that it makes me nauseous now. Lisa's self-esteem has always been so fragile that I've tried to build it up, no matter how stupid I thought she was being. And of course, when I finally did say "enough", she pretty much Cast Me Out.

That has been basically the same situation this week. Plus my feelings were hurt. Plus I was feeling pretty damn down. So this friend got it right between the eyes when he tried to dress me down about my "negativity".

I would really, really like to think that I'm not such a bitter old hag that I can't do anything but pop the bubbles of other people in my life, but that's how I feel right now.

It's hard to re-adjust when you think that your romantic life is over. When I was first single again, it felt like an adventure. It isn't. Dating in my 20's was like being a kid in a candy store. Dating in my 40's is like being in a big fridge looking at all the leftovers. It's hard to go from being the romantic lead in your life to being the comic relief. I have been trying. I thought I was doing a fair Eve Arden impersonation, but it seems that I was doing Coco Peru instead. Coco Peru from "Girls Will Be Girls" too.

So I just gotta pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again, as the song says. I will be sweet, I will be funny, I will be charming. If it fucking kills me. Because the alternative is that I drive people away. I spend enough time by myself. I'm hoping that it stops feeling like I'm living life in an audition at some point. They say if you smile long enough, you really feel happy. Maybe if I'm sweet, funny, and charming long enough, I'll start feeling that way again.