The gloves come off

Well I'm scrapping with a friend, and feeling terrible about it. Holding back has never been my strong suit, and I've been biting back words on a new boyfriend situation. He could of course tell. Since he met said new boyfriend, the guy has devoured my friend's life and occupied his every waking thought for weeks. I suppose it's natural. He's young and the guy is gorgeous. I know I was that way in my 20's at times. It never ended happily for me.

Every time I have had that huge rush, it has been like going over a waterfall. Incredibly exhilarating until you hit the rocks. Apparently this perspective is neither appreciated nor wanted. I can understand that too.

I have to figure out how much of this is me, and how much is him. He of course doesn't want to hear any inkling that this will not turn out well. I can understand that. I have never been the type to float along with my fingers in my ears, but I know that many do. And I truly wouldn't want to interfere with his happiness, but something in my nature just can't help but point out the clouds on the horizon, however fleetingly. I can't decide if this is selfishness or altruism. I would rather scope out and anticipate problems, but everyone isn't me. Those pointers have been met with an incredibly defensive and aggressive response.

From my side, having this surgery has really been kind of an eye-opener for me. Some people I thought were good friends didn't even bother to check on me. That has hurt my feelings, but I can't take that hurt and pile it all on this one friend, even though he has hurt my feelings too. I knew the new boyfriend would consume him if things worked out, and they have. So that is nothing I shouldn't have expected.

Am I too old to have a friend in his 20's? Maybe I just don't have the patience for it. I have treated this guy as a contemporary when he isn't. I have been expecting him to awake to a perspective it has taken me twice as long to achieve, which is just unrealistic and unfair. In some ways, he is remarkably mature, which may be why I have had such expectations. But of course in some ways he isn't, which is perfectly natural.

How much of this is my own lonliness? Being the only single person adrift in a world of couples is something I feel more keenly of late, and watching watching these two play happy-snuggle-bunny-couple has kind of rubbed my face in that, but that isn't really their fault. I feel like a woman who has lost a child, and chosen to spend her spare time in maternity ward. Everyone else seems to be celebrating something I am mourning the loss of. So I understand that I am overly sensitive to some things at the moment.

I guess I feel like a lot of my friends have let me down lately, but he isn't the only one.

Maybe I am bitter. Or maybe I just need people around me now who are a bit more constant. Or at least not obnoxiously coupled.