with either food poisoning or a stomach virus. I will spare you the details. I went back to work today, tamed my desk, and faced down my boss. You are supposed to be at work at my office, even if you have the plague. Death is an acceptable excuse, as long as you have a note from you doctor.
After taming my desk to a reasonable level of disorder, I left work to go by the store. I needed a few odds and ends, and was down to my last roll of toilet paper. That's all I'll say about that. $60 later, I emerged trimphant with a few things.
I went home and opened a bag of chips for dinner because a) I had been a good boy today; b) I figure I have lost at least a pound this week; and c) what the hell difference does it make how fat I get? I wear my solitude like a blanket, everywhere I go. If the cats care about my size, they can't talk.
I settled in to my latest Sookie Stackhouse book, Definately Dead, which I started today at lunch and almost finished tonight. I just love those books. I can lose myself in them and live vicariously. But there is only one more after this one. Dammit. Fortunately for me, Charlaine Harris is prolific, and I still have the Grave series and the Aurora Teagarden series to read.
I finally made myself stop reading so I could get some sleep. I just still wanted to be Sookie. But tomorrow I have to do month end, Alan is doing his meetings, and he wants the meeting slides by 10:30am. So I have to hit the ground running.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
A visit with Dad
after work today. He was so upset on Friday I wanted to go by and see him as soon as I could. When I got there, he was back at work! So apparently he is feeling much better. I talked to my step-mom until he got in, and we had dinner and a visit. He told me when he called me Friday night he was on a bunch of pain medication, which was why he was so upset, and why he called me Paul.
Cindy and Paul weren't otherwise mentioned, thankfully.
After that, I left, did some shopping for the week, and went home to bed.
Cindy and Paul weren't otherwise mentioned, thankfully.
After that, I left, did some shopping for the week, and went home to bed.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Finishing up and coming home*
I got Cole up and we went to Starbucks again this morning. I kind of like it we have a "thing" that we do together. We went on to the flea market. There are a couple of good ones in Columbia. I found a beautiful "Adam" bowl, and the guy had it priced at a flea market price (they don't always). I didn't have a peice of Adam, and I have always thought it was a pretty pattern. It is one of the more expensive ones, but I got a great deal. The bowl I bought is easily worth twice what I paid for it.
While I was contemplating going to the other flea market, which is right down the road, Mom called and said we would be meeting Lisa, Carl, and Carl's mother for lunch, and of course they would have the baby with them. We headed for home, and I got cleaned up and helped Mom straighten up a bit. She has been in a cast for 8 weeks already, and would really have preferred that the house look better to have company in.
We met them at a sushi place called Miyo's. Lisa and Carl are very fond of it, and the food is very good. It's kind of a nuveau Japanese menu. It's pretty pricey, but Carl bought my lunch. We had a good meal, and enjoyed visiting with each other. Ava, who is a wonderful baby, was cheerful through the meal, never crying, and not really making a lot of noise either. Our waiter was cute, and gay, but about half my age.
After lunch, we went to Marble Slab for ice cream - ugh - and there was a cute bear guy scooping. He coulda scooped more than my ice cream!
We went back to Mom's place and had a good visit, played with the baby, and just caught up. But about 3:30, I decided I had to go home. I was so tired. By the time I got home and unpacked, I just felt like I was dragging weights. I fixed a very easy supper out of the freezer and went on to bed.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A busy Saturday
Cole and I got up and went to Starbucks this morning. He loves to go, and I love doing something special for him when I get the chance. We stopped at Panera on the way and picked up breakfast. Those little things they call souffles are really wonderful.
We got home, ate, and then we all got cleaned up and planned the day. We took Mom to the hardware store and to the grocery store (she had prepared food, but was low on staple things). After we got home and unloaded, we went to Blimpie's for lunch. It had rained a bit on the way, and Mom's crutches got wet. When she went into the restaurant, she slipped on the tile and fell, scaring us all half to death. Fortunately, she was only bruised.
After lunch, we dropped Mom at the house and Cole and I went to see WALL*E. It was really good, and definitely a new thing for Pixar. This was by far the most weighted and complex story they have told. It was definitely written on more than one level, and I can understand why some people have felt it was preachy, although I did not. By the time we got out of the movies, it was almost time for supper, so we picked up Mom and went out for seafood. There is a great little seafood place near her house, and I had some really excellent flounder - the best I have had in quite some time.
When we got home, I installed two new shower heads and a new toilet seat for Mom, along with doing some other little stuff she wanted done. Mom introduced me to bids.com, and I kind of wished she hadn't. There is a lot of pretty jewelery on there. I did want some new earrings though...
We got home, ate, and then we all got cleaned up and planned the day. We took Mom to the hardware store and to the grocery store (she had prepared food, but was low on staple things). After we got home and unloaded, we went to Blimpie's for lunch. It had rained a bit on the way, and Mom's crutches got wet. When she went into the restaurant, she slipped on the tile and fell, scaring us all half to death. Fortunately, she was only bruised.
After lunch, we dropped Mom at the house and Cole and I went to see WALL*E. It was really good, and definitely a new thing for Pixar. This was by far the most weighted and complex story they have told. It was definitely written on more than one level, and I can understand why some people have felt it was preachy, although I did not. By the time we got out of the movies, it was almost time for supper, so we picked up Mom and went out for seafood. There is a great little seafood place near her house, and I had some really excellent flounder - the best I have had in quite some time.
When we got home, I installed two new shower heads and a new toilet seat for Mom, along with doing some other little stuff she wanted done. Mom introduced me to bids.com, and I kind of wished she hadn't. There is a lot of pretty jewelery on there. I did want some new earrings though...
Friday, July 25, 2008
Gone to Cola
I had to be up at the crack of dawn to go to that (*&*^^#!! quarterly meeting at work. Sometimes I forget it, because it starts a half hour before the office opens, so you have to re-do your whole schedule to get there in time to get in. There aren't enough seats for everyone, so to add insult to injury, you have to be there well before it starts unless you want to stand through the whole thing. It is routinely at least an hour long, and frequently longer, as every department head gives exhaustive presentations on their departments that are for the most part Greek to other departments forced to sit through them. I'm thrilled that the company continues to grow and make money. But I can learn that from an email, and continue doing my part. Even a good Baptist minister knows that after 20 minutes, all anyone can think about is how bad their butt hurts. Since the big boss was in from CA, along with the local president, took up a half hour by themselves, before they even started the dept heads. Fortunately, they ended it after an hour, truncating several of the dept heads. If this is so important for me to know, they can tell me on their time, and not drag me out of bed early. Grump, grump, grump.
I worked, ran through the house to water plants, feed the cats, etc; then hit the road for Columbia.
Dad called on the way down, very upset that he had called Cindy and she wouldn't let him talk to Brenden. I know how it is when you're in the hospital. You start thinking about the people in your life, and want to tell them how much they mean to you. Dad was in a very maudlin frame of mind. Of course, he didn't tell Cindy he was in the hospital, and I was forbidden to, but apparently she was pretty abrupt with him on the phone. I did my best to reassure him, and told him that of course I will visit him next week.
Got to Mom's and Cole was already there. We had a quiet meal of leftovers, since the women she works with have been bringing her food all week. Mom and I talked while Cole played on the computer, but I had to hit the hay. After a long day and the drive down, I was whooped.
I worked, ran through the house to water plants, feed the cats, etc; then hit the road for Columbia.
Dad called on the way down, very upset that he had called Cindy and she wouldn't let him talk to Brenden. I know how it is when you're in the hospital. You start thinking about the people in your life, and want to tell them how much they mean to you. Dad was in a very maudlin frame of mind. Of course, he didn't tell Cindy he was in the hospital, and I was forbidden to, but apparently she was pretty abrupt with him on the phone. I did my best to reassure him, and told him that of course I will visit him next week.
Got to Mom's and Cole was already there. We had a quiet meal of leftovers, since the women she works with have been bringing her food all week. Mom and I talked while Cole played on the computer, but I had to hit the hay. After a long day and the drive down, I was whooped.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Getting ready to go
Well compared to yesterday, today was a breeze.
I didn't sleep well. Crooner's new game is "can I use this cardboard box to drive Daddy completely insane?" and he had a great time playing last night. At 2:30am. Yeah, he could be a throw rug.
Eve called this morning. Dad went into the hospital last night with acute diverticulitis with micro-perforations, but he is being treated at least. From what I read about it today, he should be fine after a few days on antibiotics, and since this is the initial flare-up, isn't something to be overly concerned about.
I got my write-offs done at work, and even carefully negotiated the path of knives to teach the Canadian office how to do something they should already know how to do without pissing them off (at least I don' t think I did). This is a rare accomplishment.
After work, I just jetted home, read a bit, ate some supper, and packed my clothes so I could leave for Columbia tomorrow night.
While I was packing, I watched Cruel Intentions, the remake of one of my favorite movies of all time - Dangerous Liaisons. CI is the teenybopper version, I guess trying to make the story appeal to a younger demographic. They were all pretty, and I think Reese Witherspoon did a tolerable job as Cecile, the lovey model of virtue. The rest of the cast though, seemed to be trying to play roles they didn't understand the motivations for. It is a bit of a stretch to think that high school kids, however rich, are so jaded that they turn to convoluted evil plots simply to relieve the ennui.
Despite the problems with changing the story to be about youths, the script I thought was very well done, and they did a really good job of making the story otherwise plausable. Changing the maid character afraid of losing her position to a football player afraid of being outed was inspired. And changing the setting from barlely pre-revolution French nobility to upper class uber-rich New Yorkers worked so well as to be thought-provoking. I also thought it was clever that they made the two lead characters step-siblings, so that they only needed to get one set of parents out of the way - conveniently off to Europe for the summer, leaving all that luxury and money just lying about, waiting to be used as a backdrop. I also liked the motivation reveal (the content, at least - the delivery sounded kind of whiny) on Mertuiel's character - sexism hasn't changed that much since the times of the French court, apprently. And having Annette there when Valmont died, although a change, did add a "Romeo and Juliet"-like feel to his death that I'm sure younger audiences found poignant. I liked that they kept most of the original names from the story.
The acting though, was pretty atrocious, aside from Reese Witherspoon. Sarah Michelle Gellar, gave it a good try, as did Ryan Phillippe, but basically, they both sounded like the equivalent of a kid walking around in their parents shoes. At times it felt as if they were reading the dialogue without understanding the scene, although they both mastered the "look-up-from-the-chin to show decadence" look - and used it frequently. Sean Patrick Thomas gave a pretty embarrassing performance, although granted he didn't have much to work with - and kudos to him for overlooking the possible "black buck" implications some might have found in the role. The less said about Selma Blair's ridiculous and eye-wincing performance as Cecile, the better. I think her take on the role was envisioned as some kind of comic relief, but the only relief for me was when she left the screen. She did at least offer built-in opportunities for me to go to the laundry room. Christine Baranski was of course fabulous as Cecile's society hippocrite mother, despite being given some fairly lead-weight satire to dish with a straight face; but then she is fabulous in everything. Sadly, her part was greatly reduced in this version.
Anyway, I have no idea why I spent so much time talking about a basically pretty crappy movie, other than that there isn't much going on at the mo, and they were desecrating one of my favorites (however well-intentioned the ambition).
I didn't sleep well. Crooner's new game is "can I use this cardboard box to drive Daddy completely insane?" and he had a great time playing last night. At 2:30am. Yeah, he could be a throw rug.
Eve called this morning. Dad went into the hospital last night with acute diverticulitis with micro-perforations, but he is being treated at least. From what I read about it today, he should be fine after a few days on antibiotics, and since this is the initial flare-up, isn't something to be overly concerned about.
I got my write-offs done at work, and even carefully negotiated the path of knives to teach the Canadian office how to do something they should already know how to do without pissing them off (at least I don' t think I did). This is a rare accomplishment.
After work, I just jetted home, read a bit, ate some supper, and packed my clothes so I could leave for Columbia tomorrow night.
While I was packing, I watched Cruel Intentions, the remake of one of my favorite movies of all time - Dangerous Liaisons. CI is the teenybopper version, I guess trying to make the story appeal to a younger demographic. They were all pretty, and I think Reese Witherspoon did a tolerable job as Cecile, the lovey model of virtue. The rest of the cast though, seemed to be trying to play roles they didn't understand the motivations for. It is a bit of a stretch to think that high school kids, however rich, are so jaded that they turn to convoluted evil plots simply to relieve the ennui.
Despite the problems with changing the story to be about youths, the script I thought was very well done, and they did a really good job of making the story otherwise plausable. Changing the maid character afraid of losing her position to a football player afraid of being outed was inspired. And changing the setting from barlely pre-revolution French nobility to upper class uber-rich New Yorkers worked so well as to be thought-provoking. I also thought it was clever that they made the two lead characters step-siblings, so that they only needed to get one set of parents out of the way - conveniently off to Europe for the summer, leaving all that luxury and money just lying about, waiting to be used as a backdrop. I also liked the motivation reveal (the content, at least - the delivery sounded kind of whiny) on Mertuiel's character - sexism hasn't changed that much since the times of the French court, apprently. And having Annette there when Valmont died, although a change, did add a "Romeo and Juliet"-like feel to his death that I'm sure younger audiences found poignant. I liked that they kept most of the original names from the story.
The acting though, was pretty atrocious, aside from Reese Witherspoon. Sarah Michelle Gellar, gave it a good try, as did Ryan Phillippe, but basically, they both sounded like the equivalent of a kid walking around in their parents shoes. At times it felt as if they were reading the dialogue without understanding the scene, although they both mastered the "look-up-from-the-chin to show decadence" look - and used it frequently. Sean Patrick Thomas gave a pretty embarrassing performance, although granted he didn't have much to work with - and kudos to him for overlooking the possible "black buck" implications some might have found in the role. The less said about Selma Blair's ridiculous and eye-wincing performance as Cecile, the better. I think her take on the role was envisioned as some kind of comic relief, but the only relief for me was when she left the screen. She did at least offer built-in opportunities for me to go to the laundry room. Christine Baranski was of course fabulous as Cecile's society hippocrite mother, despite being given some fairly lead-weight satire to dish with a straight face; but then she is fabulous in everything. Sadly, her part was greatly reduced in this version.
Anyway, I have no idea why I spent so much time talking about a basically pretty crappy movie, other than that there isn't much going on at the mo, and they were desecrating one of my favorites (however well-intentioned the ambition).
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
A very busy evening - or - my family is falling apart, literally
I was as Very Good Boy at work today, and got all my calls done, my new accounts all coded and contacted, and my write-offs all prepared for month-end signatures. It was a very productive day, and I'm ready for month end with six days to spare, which is just unheard of.
I called Dad this afternoon to see what he was doing for dinner tonight, and he said he was waiting to go to the doctor. He had pain in his lower left abdominal quadrant, and the first thing I was afraid of was a femoral embolism, which, thank God, was wrong. It is some kind of intestinal problem, and, being my dad, he refused to go to the hospital this afternoon as the doctor told him he should, and is instead going to the office in the morning for a scan.
That threw off everyone's plans for this weekend. My step-mom was supposed to take my older nephew Cole to the beach this weekend, along with Jim's family. Jim works with my dad. So with dad being sick, Jim has to run the store (although is family is going on to the beach), and my step-mom has to stay here with my dad. Which means Cole is out of a trip to the beach. They offered to let me take Cole on the trip, and to pay for it, but I had already set up to go to Mom's this weekend. Also, my step-mom was going to drop off a knee-walker (kind of a cross between a cane and a scooter you use after foot surgery) when she picked up Cole, so now I need to take that down to her. My step-mom also offered to send my sister on the beach trip, all expenses paid, to make sure that Cole wasn't disappointed, but she and her husband may be nearing the end of a two year house hunt, and if they decide to buy, she'll need to be in town.
The knee-walker was in the attic, and my parents' attic steps are broken, so Jim had to bring the ladder from the shop so I could get up in there and get it down, so that turned into kind of a process.
After much discussion, Cole told my sister that he would rather spend the weekend with me at my mom's house than go to the beach (which made me feel like I really rate), so that's what we're going to do. I'm not sure that is really what he would rather do though. He has become so self-effacing it is disturbing to me. He was such a confident, out-going child when he was younger, but he seems to have just faded into a shadow now that he is older. I used to think that this was because of my sister's latest marriage, but now I'm not sure about that. And getting him to talk to you is like getting Scrooge McDuck to part with dollars. Every time I get him loosened up enough around me to talk to me, it's time to go home. Frustrating. But there is just too much going on right now to use a chain to drag out of him what he really wants to do. We're just going to have to go with the expressed wish, and I'll try to make sure he has a good time this weekend, while still doing the stuff my mom needs done.
To add another layer, it was Anna's birthday today, one of the women I know through work. I'm not close to many of the people I work with. Most of them are straight, married,redneck provincial women that I just don't have that much in common with. But Anna is gay too, is kinky, and loves to read. That is how we met. I was reading a Sarah Waters book in the cafeteria one day, and she commented on it, and loaned me some others to read. I loaned her the Marketplace books to read in return. We have been friends ever since.
I worry about Anna. She doesn't drive (I don't know the story there), and so it's hard for her to get out. Her sister gives her rides to work and stuff. She is a very sweet person (to the point of being obsequious), and everyone likes her, but she doesn't seem to believe it. She has the eyes of a wounded Japanamation mouse. I've tried to get her to go do some stuff with me, or come over to the house, but it has never really worked out. I did get her to come meet me for pizza with some friends one time, but the logistics were complicated, and her ride back messed up plans to hang out more (and yes, I have offered to pick up and drop off). Also, in small social situations, she kind of scares people off. She's very intense anyway, and she just tries so hard to be liked that it makes people uncomfortable. I know there is a lot more to her story than I know.
Anyway, when I asked her yesterday about her birthday plans, she said she didn't have any, and I offered to take her out. No one should be alone on their birthday, unless they want to be. So I was trying to get everything settled so I could go pick her up, and feeling pretty harried.
Fortunately, when I called, her brother-in-law had fixed dinner for her for her birthday, so I was of the hook there. Not that I didn't want to take her out, but this week I just have a few too many irons in the fire.
I went on to the library because I had to turn some stuff in, and then remembered I needed a book on CD for the drive this weekend. Then I decided to pick up a few books, and they just happened to have a bunch of good stuff that I wanted to read. So an armload of books later, I stumbled out to the car and headed home.
I just ate, watched a bit of telly, and then chatted online until bed. I was pretty whooped.
I called Dad this afternoon to see what he was doing for dinner tonight, and he said he was waiting to go to the doctor. He had pain in his lower left abdominal quadrant, and the first thing I was afraid of was a femoral embolism, which, thank God, was wrong. It is some kind of intestinal problem, and, being my dad, he refused to go to the hospital this afternoon as the doctor told him he should, and is instead going to the office in the morning for a scan.
That threw off everyone's plans for this weekend. My step-mom was supposed to take my older nephew Cole to the beach this weekend, along with Jim's family. Jim works with my dad. So with dad being sick, Jim has to run the store (although is family is going on to the beach), and my step-mom has to stay here with my dad. Which means Cole is out of a trip to the beach. They offered to let me take Cole on the trip, and to pay for it, but I had already set up to go to Mom's this weekend. Also, my step-mom was going to drop off a knee-walker (kind of a cross between a cane and a scooter you use after foot surgery) when she picked up Cole, so now I need to take that down to her. My step-mom also offered to send my sister on the beach trip, all expenses paid, to make sure that Cole wasn't disappointed, but she and her husband may be nearing the end of a two year house hunt, and if they decide to buy, she'll need to be in town.
The knee-walker was in the attic, and my parents' attic steps are broken, so Jim had to bring the ladder from the shop so I could get up in there and get it down, so that turned into kind of a process.
After much discussion, Cole told my sister that he would rather spend the weekend with me at my mom's house than go to the beach (which made me feel like I really rate), so that's what we're going to do. I'm not sure that is really what he would rather do though. He has become so self-effacing it is disturbing to me. He was such a confident, out-going child when he was younger, but he seems to have just faded into a shadow now that he is older. I used to think that this was because of my sister's latest marriage, but now I'm not sure about that. And getting him to talk to you is like getting Scrooge McDuck to part with dollars. Every time I get him loosened up enough around me to talk to me, it's time to go home. Frustrating. But there is just too much going on right now to use a chain to drag out of him what he really wants to do. We're just going to have to go with the expressed wish, and I'll try to make sure he has a good time this weekend, while still doing the stuff my mom needs done.
To add another layer, it was Anna's birthday today, one of the women I know through work. I'm not close to many of the people I work with. Most of them are straight, married,
I worry about Anna. She doesn't drive (I don't know the story there), and so it's hard for her to get out. Her sister gives her rides to work and stuff. She is a very sweet person (to the point of being obsequious), and everyone likes her, but she doesn't seem to believe it. She has the eyes of a wounded Japanamation mouse. I've tried to get her to go do some stuff with me, or come over to the house, but it has never really worked out. I did get her to come meet me for pizza with some friends one time, but the logistics were complicated, and her ride back messed up plans to hang out more (and yes, I have offered to pick up and drop off). Also, in small social situations, she kind of scares people off. She's very intense anyway, and she just tries so hard to be liked that it makes people uncomfortable. I know there is a lot more to her story than I know.
Anyway, when I asked her yesterday about her birthday plans, she said she didn't have any, and I offered to take her out. No one should be alone on their birthday, unless they want to be. So I was trying to get everything settled so I could go pick her up, and feeling pretty harried.
Fortunately, when I called, her brother-in-law had fixed dinner for her for her birthday, so I was of the hook there. Not that I didn't want to take her out, but this week I just have a few too many irons in the fire.
I went on to the library because I had to turn some stuff in, and then remembered I needed a book on CD for the drive this weekend. Then I decided to pick up a few books, and they just happened to have a bunch of good stuff that I wanted to read. So an armload of books later, I stumbled out to the car and headed home.
I just ate, watched a bit of telly, and then chatted online until bed. I was pretty whooped.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
More reading
Apparently I had read the second book in the Black Jewels trilogy as well, it has just been long enough ago tha I didn't immediately realize it. I finished Heir to the Shadows tonight. It had a lot of violence (as in wholesale killing) in it, but the end was really good.
I washed all my shorts so I would have something to wear to Mom's this weekend.
I also had an ice cream sundae at work today. I usually don't eat all that stuff they put out, but they had walnuts in syrup today, and I just could not resist. But I ate pretty well at dinner. I had a California Club, whole wheat organic crackers with homemade hummus, and high fiber V-8 juice; so I felt that I had redeemed myself somewhat.
Caught the end of an episode of Southpark while I was folding clothes. They had Sally Struthers drawn as Jabba the Hutt. It was pretty damn funny, even if it was really mean.
I washed all my shorts so I would have something to wear to Mom's this weekend.
I also had an ice cream sundae at work today. I usually don't eat all that stuff they put out, but they had walnuts in syrup today, and I just could not resist. But I ate pretty well at dinner. I had a California Club, whole wheat organic crackers with homemade hummus, and high fiber V-8 juice; so I felt that I had redeemed myself somewhat.
Caught the end of an episode of Southpark while I was folding clothes. They had Sally Struthers drawn as Jabba the Hutt. It was pretty damn funny, even if it was really mean.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Just me and a book
All I really felt like doing tonight was reading, so that's what I did. I have Anne Bishop's Black Jewels Trilogy on loan from Miss Kat. I read the first one, Daughter of the Blood, years and years ago, but never read the others. They definitely show the line where fantasy meets BDSM, and I'm reading them with new eyes. I think I was too young and too non-scene to appreciate them the first time. I've kind of gotten sucked in. I just started them a couple of days ago and I'm about half way through the series already.
I talked to Mother tonight. She had a pin put in her foot today, because the bone wasn't healing. She's in a cast again, but she sys she goes back in a week to have it looked at again. I'm going down there this weekend to help her get some stuff done. Fortunately Lisa was there to take her to the doctor today.
I talked to Mother tonight. She had a pin put in her foot today, because the bone wasn't healing. She's in a cast again, but she sys she goes back in a week to have it looked at again. I'm going down there this weekend to help her get some stuff done. Fortunately Lisa was there to take her to the doctor today.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Sunday chores
Since I played all day yesterday, I had to do stuff today. I went to the flea market and got my produce. I did find a couple of pieces of Depression Glass on one table, but the woman selling them was asking more than I really wanted to pay, they were dirty, and she really was more interested in talking to some guy than selling stuff anyway, so I moved on. I ran by the grocery store and finished the shopping, and made some spaghetti to eat on this week. After being creative in using up food I had been given or that had been left at the house, I just felt void of ideas.
I took a nap, and did some vacuuming. I had gotten my cooking done early in case Russ wanted to do something tonight, but I guess he was tired out from hosting this weekend. He had a lot of people stay at the house last night.
I took a nap, and did some vacuuming. I had gotten my cooking done early in case Russ wanted to do something tonight, but I guess he was tired out from hosting this weekend. He had a lot of people stay at the house last night.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
A long but good day
I woke up at 7:30am, and just wished I hadn't. So I ate something and laid down to see if I could get back to sleep for a bit. I did sleep a bit, but not much. Just as I got back to sleep, the alarm I had thankfully set went off. I decided I had to have some coffee. So I made coffee and took it out on the porch. That threw my whole routine off. Plus I had to load stuff in the car to take back to Russ, etc. I was running late, but I figured that was no problem because they would be late too. Oh, but no. I got there about 20-25 minutes late after being called en route to find out where I was. I walked into a hive of activity, with a fairly pissed Kitten in the middle of it. After a brief scolding and some teasing, I started trying to get the curtain barrier up in front of the door with Steve Yetman, who of course had been a good boy and gotten there on time. After nearly decapitating a few people, having to have someone else show me how the releases on the poles worked (I have only helped with these curtains like umpteen times), and trying my best to destroy the suspended ceiling tiles, the curtains were up. Then it seemed like everyone got everything done at once, and I was just standing there with my teeth in my mouth.
Russ had to work, but got there in time for the demos to start, which was good because we had some excellent presenters. Mystrys (a pro domme from Charlotte) did a presentation on CBT and ball-busting. Now I have to say that neither one of those has been high on things I wanted to trying in the past, but when she explained ball busting better, it looked more like taint abuse, which made my ears perk up. You can pretty much take a chainsaw to my taint and it will make me happy. Guys will just never bite me there.
Mystrys was a girly top, which is interesting. It's always interesting to me when the "porn roles" get turned on their head, and I talked to her a bit about that later on. She told me one of the biggest problems she has with slash/porn is the image of the "stoic silent" bottom, taking it all in perfect silence. Well what fun is that? BDSM play is about energy, and different people have different energies which they express in different ways. If you're just going to whale on someone who doesn't make a sound, why not hit a side of beef, sofa, or other inanimate object? That was one of the first lessons I had to learn, and I learned it in pretty dramatic fashion, faiting in the middle of a party and scaring everyone half to death. Mystrys definately turns the image of the "dangerously wicked" Domme on it's head. That can be hot, but I liked that she had the courage to be herself, and risk the sotto voice comments of other Doms (and yes they do watch each other and comment). And why shouldn't the Domme be girly if she wants to be? Lady D has also had some choice words about Domme comfort during a scene that made lots of sense.
Archer (from Atlanta, I think) did a whole presentation on micro-bondage, with an emphasis on clothespins and zippers. I hate clothespins. But I love Archer, who is just sexy and fun to watch do pretty much anything. Sadly, his sub elegant could not be there, but he had another girl with him who was quite nice and pretty. Apparently Elegant has a thing about clothespins, and they had quite an impressive collection. He also had some interesting things to say about the merits of different types.
The closing demo was a woman from Atlanta called Artemis (interesting to me, since I had just been reading a story based on mythology in which Artemis was prominently featured). She did an excellent and really fun demo on predicament bondage, with examples she did on volunteers (one of which was me...). She is a fresh-faced and practical woman, who knows what she's talking about, and has a kind of brisk, Kathy Bates-esque no-nonsense attitude about what she's doing, coupled with a genuine affection for submissives that she is comfortable expressing. Additionally, she is very well spoken. I have found that a lot of the presenters, being "hands-on" kind of folks, are better doers than talkers, but she was very well-spoken. Plus I just love secure, assertive women.
***
The event broke up about 5, and I was feeling the lack of sleep, so I skipped dinner out at Ruby Tuesday's. I am SO burnt out on Ruby Tuesday, and the one where they were going always gets the checks all messed up and stuff when there is a large party. Plus I really needed to just eat something and lay down for a bit before the party. The party was supposed to start at 8:30, and I figured they wouldn't even make it out of RT before about 7. So I went on home.
I ate something and laid down, but couldn't take a nap. Then my stomach started feeling yucky. I don't know if it was all the junk food I ate at the thing or what, but I didn't feel good. Then I pulled a muscle in my back, which pissed me off. I really just wanted to stay home and read, but I did want to see everyone, plus I was afraid that some people would take it personally if I didn't show up (long story) and I had already said I was going, so I took some stomach stuff and went on, thinking I could just leave early if I didn't feel better.
I got there and had some soda, though, and started feeling a bit better. I was hoping to play after a while, and there was a LOT of play going on. But Myz Kitten was busy with Artemis. I did talk to Mystrys for a good while on the deck (where I spent most of my time at the party), but she was very laid back and just enjoying the night (which was very pretty), so we ended up just talking and telling stories with people who came out for a breather. I had a lovely time, and before I knew it, it was 2am. I did get to talk to almost everyone that was there. We picked our way out through the scenes that were still going on (it kind of reminded me of the end of The Rocky Horror Picture Show only with more rope), and I walked her to her car. Then I went home and went to BED.
So it was a very nice day, and super party, but I didn't end up getting to play. I had a very good time, but not the time I was expecting. But that is how life is sometimes. It was a wild party, and I really wished I had been in more of a wild party-boy mood (although I was glad I wasn't partying as hard as some party boys, who shall remain nameless, but were notably tore down), but I just wasn't.
Russ had to work, but got there in time for the demos to start, which was good because we had some excellent presenters. Mystrys (a pro domme from Charlotte) did a presentation on CBT and ball-busting. Now I have to say that neither one of those has been high on things I wanted to trying in the past, but when she explained ball busting better, it looked more like taint abuse, which made my ears perk up. You can pretty much take a chainsaw to my taint and it will make me happy. Guys will just never bite me there.
Mystrys was a girly top, which is interesting. It's always interesting to me when the "porn roles" get turned on their head, and I talked to her a bit about that later on. She told me one of the biggest problems she has with slash/porn is the image of the "stoic silent" bottom, taking it all in perfect silence. Well what fun is that? BDSM play is about energy, and different people have different energies which they express in different ways. If you're just going to whale on someone who doesn't make a sound, why not hit a side of beef, sofa, or other inanimate object? That was one of the first lessons I had to learn, and I learned it in pretty dramatic fashion, faiting in the middle of a party and scaring everyone half to death. Mystrys definately turns the image of the "dangerously wicked" Domme on it's head. That can be hot, but I liked that she had the courage to be herself, and risk the sotto voice comments of other Doms (and yes they do watch each other and comment). And why shouldn't the Domme be girly if she wants to be? Lady D has also had some choice words about Domme comfort during a scene that made lots of sense.
Archer (from Atlanta, I think) did a whole presentation on micro-bondage, with an emphasis on clothespins and zippers. I hate clothespins. But I love Archer, who is just sexy and fun to watch do pretty much anything. Sadly, his sub elegant could not be there, but he had another girl with him who was quite nice and pretty. Apparently Elegant has a thing about clothespins, and they had quite an impressive collection. He also had some interesting things to say about the merits of different types.
The closing demo was a woman from Atlanta called Artemis (interesting to me, since I had just been reading a story based on mythology in which Artemis was prominently featured). She did an excellent and really fun demo on predicament bondage, with examples she did on volunteers (one of which was me...). She is a fresh-faced and practical woman, who knows what she's talking about, and has a kind of brisk, Kathy Bates-esque no-nonsense attitude about what she's doing, coupled with a genuine affection for submissives that she is comfortable expressing. Additionally, she is very well spoken. I have found that a lot of the presenters, being "hands-on" kind of folks, are better doers than talkers, but she was very well-spoken. Plus I just love secure, assertive women.
***
The event broke up about 5, and I was feeling the lack of sleep, so I skipped dinner out at Ruby Tuesday's. I am SO burnt out on Ruby Tuesday, and the one where they were going always gets the checks all messed up and stuff when there is a large party. Plus I really needed to just eat something and lay down for a bit before the party. The party was supposed to start at 8:30, and I figured they wouldn't even make it out of RT before about 7. So I went on home.
I ate something and laid down, but couldn't take a nap. Then my stomach started feeling yucky. I don't know if it was all the junk food I ate at the thing or what, but I didn't feel good. Then I pulled a muscle in my back, which pissed me off. I really just wanted to stay home and read, but I did want to see everyone, plus I was afraid that some people would take it personally if I didn't show up (long story) and I had already said I was going, so I took some stomach stuff and went on, thinking I could just leave early if I didn't feel better.
I got there and had some soda, though, and started feeling a bit better. I was hoping to play after a while, and there was a LOT of play going on. But Myz Kitten was busy with Artemis. I did talk to Mystrys for a good while on the deck (where I spent most of my time at the party), but she was very laid back and just enjoying the night (which was very pretty), so we ended up just talking and telling stories with people who came out for a breather. I had a lovely time, and before I knew it, it was 2am. I did get to talk to almost everyone that was there. We picked our way out through the scenes that were still going on (it kind of reminded me of the end of The Rocky Horror Picture Show only with more rope), and I walked her to her car. Then I went home and went to BED.
So it was a very nice day, and super party, but I didn't end up getting to play. I had a very good time, but not the time I was expecting. But that is how life is sometimes. It was a wild party, and I really wished I had been in more of a wild party-boy mood (although I was glad I wasn't partying as hard as some party boys, who shall remain nameless, but were notably tore down), but I just wasn't.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Dinner out
I had talked to Russ yesterday about maybe helping entertain LOCK folks tonight, since Billy is out of town, and just because I wanted to see everyone. It turned out that Joanne, Micha, and Rob weren't getting into town until later, but Myz Kitten was coming in earlier. Russ called, and we went out to dinner. We talked about LOCK stuff and people and had a nice meal, then went back to Russ's house to chill for a while.
While we were doing that, and trying to pry Kitten off the phone (she is apparently engaged in some serious texting with someone), Joanne showed up with the boys. We ended up on the screen porch, talking, laughing, telling stories and smoking until LATE. Like after 1am.
And I'm supposed to be at the class by 11am tomorrow morning to help set up. So I'm outtie.
While we were doing that, and trying to pry Kitten off the phone (she is apparently engaged in some serious texting with someone), Joanne showed up with the boys. We ended up on the screen porch, talking, laughing, telling stories and smoking until LATE. Like after 1am.
And I'm supposed to be at the class by 11am tomorrow morning to help set up. So I'm outtie.
Yikes! Going through my budget
It has been an expensive month. In addition to the regular expenses:
- extra gas for the trip to Charlotte $40
- run fees for the August trip $80
- payment to the attorney for the rest of my will stuff $200
- getting my car washed $30 (it has been filthy since the camping trip at the beginning of June)
- prescriptions to pick up tonight $40
- that Charlotte shopping trip $40
- auction buys last weekend $30
- dentist this week $90
Plus I had a short check from having to take a day off without pay after the surgery. Poverty has snuck up on me. Small wonder I find myself broke right now! Too bad I don't get paid today.
- extra gas for the trip to Charlotte $40
- run fees for the August trip $80
- payment to the attorney for the rest of my will stuff $200
- getting my car washed $30 (it has been filthy since the camping trip at the beginning of June)
- prescriptions to pick up tonight $40
- that Charlotte shopping trip $40
- auction buys last weekend $30
- dentist this week $90
Plus I had a short check from having to take a day off without pay after the surgery. Poverty has snuck up on me. Small wonder I find myself broke right now! Too bad I don't get paid today.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Well at work, they managed to schedule a training day, an all hands meeting, and the regular Wednesday meetings all on the same day. So I went to my boss and said "Excuse me.." He says he is counting on them moving the all hands meeting, and I was able to get the training re-scheduled. Meetings - the practical alternative to work!
After work I went to get my hair cut, and saw Russ. He told me about their trip to Seattle. I was expecting them to be ready to move there (as they usually are when they get back from a trip), but tellingly, they weren't. He told me about the trip, and frankly, it sounded like the vacation from hell to me; but he told me they had a good time in spite of all. I suspect they were really glad to be home though. They did bring me some smoked salmon, which was really nice of them. I already have bagels at the house, and am planning a breakfast feast for Saturday muahaha.
Their little dog Oliver, who has health problems, slipped a bit while they were gone and is not doing well. I hate to hear that because I know it's going to break Russ's heart when that little dog dies. Billy is really soft-hearted about animals too, but this dog is Russ's baby.
We talked about plans for the LOCK stuff this weekend, and Russ says he has everything ready to go. Unfortuantely, Billy won't be able to be there because he had to go on a business trip, which he was reportedly VERY unhappy about. I can't blame him. They had just gotten home. In better news though, Russ says Billy shouldn't have a problem finding a new job if this one goes away, so I'm not as worried as I was about them moving away.
I got a GOOD haircut. I look good. I did that "Silence of the Lambs" eval in the mirror when I got home - less the poodle, the drag, and the severe homicidal impulses of course.
After that, Russ had more appointments scheduled. He says he is still trying to get caught up from vacation. So no dinner out tonight with Russ, as I had hoped. I decided what the hell and went for nachos anyway. I thought the waiter at the Mexican place near my house might have been flirting with me, but that was probably just wishful thinking on my part. I probably shouldn't have spent the money, because I'm sure I'll be eating out with LOCK this weekend, and I have spent a ton of money in the last week. But I guess it will work itself out eventually. I have to say, paying $70-$80 for gas each pay period is starting to sting.
I finished Nobody's Princess last night. It was a pretty good read. I'll probably read the sequel eventually, but I'm going to read Miss Kat's book next so I can get it back to her. I chatted a bit on line before bed, and got a message from a new guy in Greenville. That's encouraging. I hope to hear more from him. Please let him have a brain.
I also downloaded a song I have been looking for for some time. Shelly Duvall singing "He's Large" from Popeye the Movie. I know, the movie was a bomb, but for some reason that song has always seemed very poignant to me. Olive Oyl is preparing to marry Bluto. She doesn't love him, but she feels she can't do any better. She's singing a song defending her choice to her catty bridesmaids, who are transparently relieved that they aren't the object of his affections; while at the same time, she's trying to convince herself she has made the right decision. The movie was buffoonish, I know, but some things ring true, however peripherally mired in silliness.
Oh, and I also loved the scene where Bluto comes upstairs, furious that Popeye is interfering with the wedding. When they show his viewpoint, the whole set has been done in red. All the characters are dressed in red, including a red dress with pink polka dots on one. For some reason I found that endlessly witty.
After work I went to get my hair cut, and saw Russ. He told me about their trip to Seattle. I was expecting them to be ready to move there (as they usually are when they get back from a trip), but tellingly, they weren't. He told me about the trip, and frankly, it sounded like the vacation from hell to me; but he told me they had a good time in spite of all. I suspect they were really glad to be home though. They did bring me some smoked salmon, which was really nice of them. I already have bagels at the house, and am planning a breakfast feast for Saturday muahaha.
Their little dog Oliver, who has health problems, slipped a bit while they were gone and is not doing well. I hate to hear that because I know it's going to break Russ's heart when that little dog dies. Billy is really soft-hearted about animals too, but this dog is Russ's baby.
We talked about plans for the LOCK stuff this weekend, and Russ says he has everything ready to go. Unfortuantely, Billy won't be able to be there because he had to go on a business trip, which he was reportedly VERY unhappy about. I can't blame him. They had just gotten home. In better news though, Russ says Billy shouldn't have a problem finding a new job if this one goes away, so I'm not as worried as I was about them moving away.
I got a GOOD haircut. I look good. I did that "Silence of the Lambs" eval in the mirror when I got home - less the poodle, the drag, and the severe homicidal impulses of course.
After that, Russ had more appointments scheduled. He says he is still trying to get caught up from vacation. So no dinner out tonight with Russ, as I had hoped. I decided what the hell and went for nachos anyway. I thought the waiter at the Mexican place near my house might have been flirting with me, but that was probably just wishful thinking on my part. I probably shouldn't have spent the money, because I'm sure I'll be eating out with LOCK this weekend, and I have spent a ton of money in the last week. But I guess it will work itself out eventually. I have to say, paying $70-$80 for gas each pay period is starting to sting.
I finished Nobody's Princess last night. It was a pretty good read. I'll probably read the sequel eventually, but I'm going to read Miss Kat's book next so I can get it back to her. I chatted a bit on line before bed, and got a message from a new guy in Greenville. That's encouraging. I hope to hear more from him. Please let him have a brain.
I also downloaded a song I have been looking for for some time. Shelly Duvall singing "He's Large" from Popeye the Movie. I know, the movie was a bomb, but for some reason that song has always seemed very poignant to me. Olive Oyl is preparing to marry Bluto. She doesn't love him, but she feels she can't do any better. She's singing a song defending her choice to her catty bridesmaids, who are transparently relieved that they aren't the object of his affections; while at the same time, she's trying to convince herself she has made the right decision. The movie was buffoonish, I know, but some things ring true, however peripherally mired in silliness.
Oh, and I also loved the scene where Bluto comes upstairs, furious that Popeye is interfering with the wedding. When they show his viewpoint, the whole set has been done in red. All the characters are dressed in red, including a red dress with pink polka dots on one. For some reason I found that endlessly witty.
Blearily, I face the day
As usual when I'm sleeping bad, it's the second morning that is the hard one. Plus I was up at 5am today. I was horny as a 3-legged goat having a hard time getting back to sleep, but I napped for a while before the alarm went off. When it did, I looked like the "before" guy on the old Coast Soap commercials. I decided I had to have some coffee. I very seldom drink it on weekdays, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So I made a big mug of coffee in my Kentucky Derby mug Mom and Dad bought me, and went out on the porch and has a cigarette too. Something else I rarely do during the week. But it got me up and moving and ready for work.
I'm teaching a class next Tuesday (actually three, one for each time zone), so I have to get stuff together.
I'm teaching a class next Tuesday (actually three, one for each time zone), so I have to get stuff together.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I started my latest Esther Friesner book Nobody's Princess today. No one can accuse her of being a formulaic author. The first one I read, Tempting Fate, was pretty cute and quirky, using Greek gods in a modern setting. I enjoyed it. Apparently the author has a thing about mythology, but that is the only theme I can find. NP is a re-telling of the life of Helen of Troy. Done in modern language, but decidedly set in the appropriate time period. Interesting, but again not what I was expecting. I have descended from reading chick lit down to reading juvenile (or Young Adult) chick lit. Hmmm. Maybe I should turn the TV back on.
After supper, I chatted online for a while. This gorgeous Canadian boy I have been talking to for a while was chatting with me again. I had stopped talking to him because it made my heart hurt, and he was so pretty I didn't feel like it wasn't really helping me get excited about the local guys. I mean, it's hard to get excited about tuna salad when you've been looking at lobster recipes all day. But since there are no tuna in the net, or even on the radar at the mo, I figure what can it hurt. I talked to Justin a bit too, then hit the sheets.
I slept like crap last night, up from 3:30am off and on, so I am pretty wiped.
After supper, I chatted online for a while. This gorgeous Canadian boy I have been talking to for a while was chatting with me again. I had stopped talking to him because it made my heart hurt, and he was so pretty I didn't feel like it wasn't really helping me get excited about the local guys. I mean, it's hard to get excited about tuna salad when you've been looking at lobster recipes all day. But since there are no tuna in the net, or even on the radar at the mo, I figure what can it hurt. I talked to Justin a bit too, then hit the sheets.
I slept like crap last night, up from 3:30am off and on, so I am pretty wiped.
A surprisingly amusing work bitch
Work was interesting yesterday. I actually had a guy I worked with priss (and I don't use this term lightly) out of a meeting he had called. To ask my help. Marketing is launching this new program at work, and they have asked for my help in getting one of the agencies involved. I of course told them I would. That has been over a year ago. I got the information they asked for, got the agency prepared, then nothing happened for nine months.
They again came to me for the same information, and asked for me to get the agency involved, and set up a conference call with the president of the agency, which after 59 times I suggested that didn't work, I finally did. They were late to the call. As I was holding with the president of this company on the line, one of the women involved had to go physically find one of the guys who had asked that the call be set up. After that they kept the president on the phone for 45 minutes lobbing marketing generalities at him and congratulating each other. Needless to say I was embarassed. They did finally get around to asking some pertinent questions and he gave them the infomation they needed, as well as direct contact information. That was about three months ago.
This morning, I was informed that a meeting had been scheduled for today that I was expected to attend. I suspected that what they wanted could have been done with an email, and I was right, but marketing seems to like to have lots of face-to-face meetings where there is lots of fuss and bother and very little gets accomplished. When I showed up for this one, the guy who called it of course was not there. When he finally did get there, he started asking me for all information on the agency. From the ground up. For the third time. I told him I wanted specifics on what he wanted, and he just kept saying "Steps! Steps is what I need!" When I asked for clarification, reminding him that he had already been given a lot of information twice already, he said "You just send me the things they sent in writing then!" and stormed out in best wounded drag queen fashion. Now seldom am I out-queened at work, where my royalty is acknowledged. Usually, this is the kind of thing that would really piss me off, but oddly the whole thing struck me as funny. Chuckling, I went back to my desk, sent him an email, and told him if he would send me some specs, I would round the information up. Again. I'll keep copies of it all this time. Since this group apparently has the organizational skills of a rabid muskrat. That was what he was mad about, I figured out. They had lost all the information (or didn't take a single note during the last ballyhoo'd conference call), and he was pissed that I called him on it. I never have suffered fools gladly.
They again came to me for the same information, and asked for me to get the agency involved, and set up a conference call with the president of the agency, which after 59 times I suggested that didn't work, I finally did. They were late to the call. As I was holding with the president of this company on the line, one of the women involved had to go physically find one of the guys who had asked that the call be set up. After that they kept the president on the phone for 45 minutes lobbing marketing generalities at him and congratulating each other. Needless to say I was embarassed. They did finally get around to asking some pertinent questions and he gave them the infomation they needed, as well as direct contact information. That was about three months ago.
This morning, I was informed that a meeting had been scheduled for today that I was expected to attend. I suspected that what they wanted could have been done with an email, and I was right, but marketing seems to like to have lots of face-to-face meetings where there is lots of fuss and bother and very little gets accomplished. When I showed up for this one, the guy who called it of course was not there. When he finally did get there, he started asking me for all information on the agency. From the ground up. For the third time. I told him I wanted specifics on what he wanted, and he just kept saying "Steps! Steps is what I need!" When I asked for clarification, reminding him that he had already been given a lot of information twice already, he said "You just send me the things they sent in writing then!" and stormed out in best wounded drag queen fashion. Now seldom am I out-queened at work, where my royalty is acknowledged. Usually, this is the kind of thing that would really piss me off, but oddly the whole thing struck me as funny. Chuckling, I went back to my desk, sent him an email, and told him if he would send me some specs, I would round the information up. Again. I'll keep copies of it all this time. Since this group apparently has the organizational skills of a rabid muskrat. That was what he was mad about, I figured out. They had lost all the information (or didn't take a single note during the last ballyhoo'd conference call), and he was pissed that I called him on it. I never have suffered fools gladly.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Kitchen experiments
I got home a bit early today since I had been to the dentist this afternoon. Another $89. I am really tired of doing body maintenance right now. I have the *&^%$#!! lack of "sleep" study on August 8th, and then the follow-up visit for the results two weeks later. After that, I would really like to NOT have to see a doctor for a while. I'm about doctored out.
I have been working on using up the food I laid in while I was out, which is mostly just odds and ends at this point. I had a few potatoes left, and threw them into a blush bechamel sauce (that was more blush than bech by the time I got through with it) and baked them. I tried a Paremsan crust, but the fat rose to the top of the sauce, and just kind of browned the cheese without it really getting crusty. They turned out pretty tasty though; there was enough garlic in them to kill a small child. My theory at this point is that the three major starches (pasta, rice, and potatoes) are interchangable, so I'm trying switching them out in different recipes. I got the idea from the frequency that the same food combinations tend to show up in dishes from different contries. For example: bacon and eggs here and pasta carbonara in Italy, cream gravy here and bechamel in France, etc. I also baked some sweet potatoes that had been kicking around in the fridge, and heated up my leftover pizza at the same time.
After supper, I noted that The Simpsons had been pre-empted for some sports thing, so I went on and finished the second Dexter novel, which was really good. I hate that there are only 3 or 4 in the series. I have one more Esther Friesner to read, Nobody's Princess, and then I'll read the book that Miss Kat brought me while I was laid up. It's a series that I read some of years ago, but got burnt out on trying to find them in order.
I found Esther Friesner while I was reading a series of short stories called My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding (tracking down another Charlanie Harris short story, of course). She has written a charming story set in Florida that reminded me of a good PG Wodehouse kind of crossed with the Archie McNally series from Lawrence Sanders. The story was very witty, and I was hoping her books would be of the same type, but they aren't. Still good reading though.
After cleaning up the kitchen (and laying my finger open on the fridge in the process, and then finishing while trying to keep blood off all the dishes), I signed on for a while and chatted on Bear411. I talked to Justin for a while, and chatted with a really sweet guy I talk to from Chattanooga sometimes. He is really cute, but he never seems to have much to talk about.
I was talking to Justin about being on waiting for the "bear of my dreams", and contemplating how much more earth-bound my dreams had become of late. I just don't seem to be able to meet anyone I have that much in common with. Conversation is the key to my heart at this point. It would be nice to have someone who was a friend, and could make me laugh. Of course a trick pelvis and tongue insured by Lloyd's of London would be great, but I'd really like a bit more at this point. And then when you mix in financially self-supporting, it just seems like I'm asking for the moon. Oh well. I have the cats and the rocker already.
We talked about the LOCK function this weekend. There is a play party afterwards - Yay! It will be great to see everyone. I'm going to ask Russ Thursday when people are coming into town. Mabye I can help out and visit Friday night. That is just what I need for this blue funk I've been in lately - a good dose of LOCK folks. And maybe a whoopin... Miss Shay is suppose to be here... Food for thought as well as in the oven tonight.
I have been working on using up the food I laid in while I was out, which is mostly just odds and ends at this point. I had a few potatoes left, and threw them into a blush bechamel sauce (that was more blush than bech by the time I got through with it) and baked them. I tried a Paremsan crust, but the fat rose to the top of the sauce, and just kind of browned the cheese without it really getting crusty. They turned out pretty tasty though; there was enough garlic in them to kill a small child. My theory at this point is that the three major starches (pasta, rice, and potatoes) are interchangable, so I'm trying switching them out in different recipes. I got the idea from the frequency that the same food combinations tend to show up in dishes from different contries. For example: bacon and eggs here and pasta carbonara in Italy, cream gravy here and bechamel in France, etc. I also baked some sweet potatoes that had been kicking around in the fridge, and heated up my leftover pizza at the same time.
After supper, I noted that The Simpsons had been pre-empted for some sports thing, so I went on and finished the second Dexter novel, which was really good. I hate that there are only 3 or 4 in the series. I have one more Esther Friesner to read, Nobody's Princess, and then I'll read the book that Miss Kat brought me while I was laid up. It's a series that I read some of years ago, but got burnt out on trying to find them in order.
I found Esther Friesner while I was reading a series of short stories called My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding (tracking down another Charlanie Harris short story, of course). She has written a charming story set in Florida that reminded me of a good PG Wodehouse kind of crossed with the Archie McNally series from Lawrence Sanders. The story was very witty, and I was hoping her books would be of the same type, but they aren't. Still good reading though.
After cleaning up the kitchen (and laying my finger open on the fridge in the process, and then finishing while trying to keep blood off all the dishes), I signed on for a while and chatted on Bear411. I talked to Justin for a while, and chatted with a really sweet guy I talk to from Chattanooga sometimes. He is really cute, but he never seems to have much to talk about.
I was talking to Justin about being on waiting for the "bear of my dreams", and contemplating how much more earth-bound my dreams had become of late. I just don't seem to be able to meet anyone I have that much in common with. Conversation is the key to my heart at this point. It would be nice to have someone who was a friend, and could make me laugh. Of course a trick pelvis and tongue insured by Lloyd's of London would be great, but I'd really like a bit more at this point. And then when you mix in financially self-supporting, it just seems like I'm asking for the moon. Oh well. I have the cats and the rocker already.
We talked about the LOCK function this weekend. There is a play party afterwards - Yay! It will be great to see everyone. I'm going to ask Russ Thursday when people are coming into town. Mabye I can help out and visit Friday night. That is just what I need for this blue funk I've been in lately - a good dose of LOCK folks. And maybe a whoopin... Miss Shay is suppose to be here... Food for thought as well as in the oven tonight.
Margo Channing lives
The next time I watch All About Eve, I think I will have a much better understanding of how ole Margo feels.
Do you drive the poeple you love away with castigation? Do you allow yourself to be branded a harpy and allow them to feel justified in moving away from you? Or do you sweetly pretend you don't know what's happening, let them go, and sit quietly on a tuffet like a lady? Guilt is so quickly forgotten.
The real question is - do you allow your pain to express inwardly, or outwardly? The bitch of it is that I usually do both. First out, then in. Like an emotional murder/suicide. So it just sucks to be me. Another bitch is that if someone wants out of your life, there isn't anything you can do to keep them there. People have remarkably adaptable consciences that sneakily allow them to do pretty much what they want and feel justified, no matter how badly they are screwing you over. I know this from work. I just never really thought it applied to my personal life as much as I fear it does now. The old adage is "to find a friend, be a friend". Well what if that doesn't work? If the people you know don't value that, or value you, then you're just a doormat.
Of course we all know which route Margo took (well, all of us who are gay or old movie buffs); and the ending was fairly happy for her. But she had a fantastic and patient man who truly loved her and was willing to ride out the storm. Not to mention that he was trustworthy from the start anyway. I doubt it works out that well so often in real life.
The problem with paranoia is that by the time you find out whether or not you are justified, you have already been labeled as crazy. But to quote the old saying "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you."
Do you drive the poeple you love away with castigation? Do you allow yourself to be branded a harpy and allow them to feel justified in moving away from you? Or do you sweetly pretend you don't know what's happening, let them go, and sit quietly on a tuffet like a lady? Guilt is so quickly forgotten.
The real question is - do you allow your pain to express inwardly, or outwardly? The bitch of it is that I usually do both. First out, then in. Like an emotional murder/suicide. So it just sucks to be me. Another bitch is that if someone wants out of your life, there isn't anything you can do to keep them there. People have remarkably adaptable consciences that sneakily allow them to do pretty much what they want and feel justified, no matter how badly they are screwing you over. I know this from work. I just never really thought it applied to my personal life as much as I fear it does now. The old adage is "to find a friend, be a friend". Well what if that doesn't work? If the people you know don't value that, or value you, then you're just a doormat.
Of course we all know which route Margo took (well, all of us who are gay or old movie buffs); and the ending was fairly happy for her. But she had a fantastic and patient man who truly loved her and was willing to ride out the storm. Not to mention that he was trustworthy from the start anyway. I doubt it works out that well so often in real life.
The problem with paranoia is that by the time you find out whether or not you are justified, you have already been labeled as crazy. But to quote the old saying "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you."
Monday, July 14, 2008
A pizza night
I went by and got a pizza after work tonight. I haven't done that in a while, and I just LOVE that Noble Roman's pizza, and decided I had to have one. I used to get one every Tuesday night, because that was bowling night, so that way dinner would be ready when Michael got home. I have gotten out of the habit because they started moving the special price day around, and then I was gaining weight and decided I didn't need pizza every week. I really do love their pizza though.
Since I used to go in there every single week, I got to know the staff, but as you can imagine, there was a pretty brisk turnover. The exception to that is Kathy, the woman who actually makes the pizzas. Calling ahead sometimes doesn't guarantee that your pie is ready when you get there, particularly on a busy day. So sometimes I would end up standing around waiting, and we started talking, gradually getting to know each other. She is such a sweet woman. So she always hugs me when I come in now, and I ask after her son.
To pay off for eating pizza tonight (which I still don't need), I resolved to run all my errands on the way home. I went to the drug store, the discount market, got gas, and did some laundry when I got home. That made me feel almost justified in reading (I'm reading the second Dexter book by Jeff Lindsay, Dearly Devoted Dexter, and it's good) and playing on the computer in my dusty house. I have to get things straightened up in case any of the LOCK folks end up at the house this weekend. They never do, but hey, the house needs some love. That is as good a motivator as any.
Since I used to go in there every single week, I got to know the staff, but as you can imagine, there was a pretty brisk turnover. The exception to that is Kathy, the woman who actually makes the pizzas. Calling ahead sometimes doesn't guarantee that your pie is ready when you get there, particularly on a busy day. So sometimes I would end up standing around waiting, and we started talking, gradually getting to know each other. She is such a sweet woman. So she always hugs me when I come in now, and I ask after her son.
To pay off for eating pizza tonight (which I still don't need), I resolved to run all my errands on the way home. I went to the drug store, the discount market, got gas, and did some laundry when I got home. That made me feel almost justified in reading (I'm reading the second Dexter book by Jeff Lindsay, Dearly Devoted Dexter, and it's good) and playing on the computer in my dusty house. I have to get things straightened up in case any of the LOCK folks end up at the house this weekend. They never do, but hey, the house needs some love. That is as good a motivator as any.
A day in the life of an average middle-class republican
I found this on another blog today: http://www.thingsyoungerthanmccain.com/
Is it 100% relevant to everyone? Maybe not. But it's something to think about.
Tom gets up at 6:00 AM to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot with good, clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and that they work as advertised.
All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employer’s medical plan. Because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Tom gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast — bacon and eggs this day. Tom’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. Tom takes his morning shower, reaching for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount that is contains because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and the breakdown of its contents. Tom dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree-hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Tom begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Tom’s employer meets these standards because Tom’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Tom is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get worker’s compensation or an unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home to temporary misfortune.
It’s noon time. Tom needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Tom’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect Tom’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.
Tom has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Tom and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.
Tom is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification (those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark).
Tom is happy to see his dad, who is now retired. Tom’s dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Tom wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad, Tom gets back in his car for the ride home. He turns on a radio talk show. The host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn’t tell Tom that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Tom enjoys throughout his day. Tom agrees, “We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives. After all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have.”
***
Addition by me. The evil liberal has been responsible, and right, about every major social issue that has been overturned in the United States. For example:
- ending slavery
- ending segregation
- women's suffrage
I personally can't understand the huge move to de-regulate industry. I understand that growth needs to be fostered. But irresponsible growth doesn't really help anyone. De-regulated industry lead to pollution, fraud, monopolies, and worker exploitation. Corporations don't have consciences. They exhist to provide profit - and history shows that they are none too particular about how that profit is obtained. Look at Enron. Look at the worker abuses in China. The race to the bottom must stop - for the good of everyone.
The simple way to regulate this is to tie protective tarriffs to enviromentally irresponsible or worker exploitative countries. Of course now that the phrase "free trade" has caught on, and sounds so good, your average American sheep has no idea what it actually means. Also, this action could now result in retaliatory tarriffs on our goods, since the United States remains environmentally irresponsible. But with protection against environmentally irresponsible or exploitative countries, United States corporations would have to stop whining about how they can't compete with cheap labor or pollution poisoned countries as excuses to try to strip workers or our environment of protections.
Tarriffs also end the ridiculous rush to move all manufacturing jobs out of the country. This may be good for industry at present, but it is a remarkably short-sighted practice. What happens during the next big war? The superior manufacturing capabilities of the United States is one of the main things that won WWII. I guess during WWIII we'll have baristas bombard our enemies with boutique coffee drinks. That's about the only thing we're still making here. And of course we import the fucking coffee. Think about it.
Conservatives are also moving to block immigration into the country. Waves of immigrants have fueled every large period of American prosperity. Gee I wonder why there any unskilled cheap labor here? Another common complaint of big business.
Is it 100% relevant to everyone? Maybe not. But it's something to think about.
Tom gets up at 6:00 AM to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot with good, clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and that they work as advertised.
All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employer’s medical plan. Because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Tom gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast — bacon and eggs this day. Tom’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. Tom takes his morning shower, reaching for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount that is contains because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and the breakdown of its contents. Tom dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree-hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Tom begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Tom’s employer meets these standards because Tom’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Tom is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get worker’s compensation or an unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home to temporary misfortune.
It’s noon time. Tom needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Tom’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect Tom’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.
Tom has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Tom and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.
Tom is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification (those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark).
Tom is happy to see his dad, who is now retired. Tom’s dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Tom wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad, Tom gets back in his car for the ride home. He turns on a radio talk show. The host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn’t tell Tom that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Tom enjoys throughout his day. Tom agrees, “We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives. After all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have.”
***
Addition by me. The evil liberal has been responsible, and right, about every major social issue that has been overturned in the United States. For example:
- ending slavery
- ending segregation
- women's suffrage
I personally can't understand the huge move to de-regulate industry. I understand that growth needs to be fostered. But irresponsible growth doesn't really help anyone. De-regulated industry lead to pollution, fraud, monopolies, and worker exploitation. Corporations don't have consciences. They exhist to provide profit - and history shows that they are none too particular about how that profit is obtained. Look at Enron. Look at the worker abuses in China. The race to the bottom must stop - for the good of everyone.
The simple way to regulate this is to tie protective tarriffs to enviromentally irresponsible or worker exploitative countries. Of course now that the phrase "free trade" has caught on, and sounds so good, your average American sheep has no idea what it actually means. Also, this action could now result in retaliatory tarriffs on our goods, since the United States remains environmentally irresponsible. But with protection against environmentally irresponsible or exploitative countries, United States corporations would have to stop whining about how they can't compete with cheap labor or pollution poisoned countries as excuses to try to strip workers or our environment of protections.
Tarriffs also end the ridiculous rush to move all manufacturing jobs out of the country. This may be good for industry at present, but it is a remarkably short-sighted practice. What happens during the next big war? The superior manufacturing capabilities of the United States is one of the main things that won WWII. I guess during WWIII we'll have baristas bombard our enemies with boutique coffee drinks. That's about the only thing we're still making here. And of course we import the fucking coffee. Think about it.
Conservatives are also moving to block immigration into the country. Waves of immigrants have fueled every large period of American prosperity. Gee I wonder why there any unskilled cheap labor here? Another common complaint of big business.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Sunday stuff*
I had a bunch of stuff that needed doing today, since I played all day yesterday.
I got up and had coffee on the porch (yay!) and then went off to the flea market. The unending crapfest continues out there. Nothing even remotely interesting. I didn't get there until 10am though, and some of the tables were empty. Since it was getting hot so fast, I may have missed some of the good stuff. I bought stuff yesterday at the auction though. I got my vegetables and some more local peaches and came on home. In a side note - idiots who talk about "weak" vegetarians have never seen one wrestle 30 pounds of produce through a flea market and back to the car. And probably haven't done it themselves either.
There is one woman over there who always has locally grown things, and she talked me into getting a patty-pan squash this morning, even though I haven't had much luck with them in the past. I cooked it up, but it just didnt' seem to have much flavor to me. I like the yellow summer squash better.
I used up some big, kind of gone-to-seed squash Dad had given me along with some zucchini I bought today for a recipe I found at Lee's. It was a cream sauce with vegetables, but flavored with chile peppers and cumin. So it was kind of like a Mexican primavera, only served over rice. It turned out pretty good.
I took a nap when I got home from the flea market, then went to the library, the grocery store, and cooked, cleaned the kitchen and did laundry until bedtime. I guess I'm ready to face the week.
I got up and had coffee on the porch (yay!) and then went off to the flea market. The unending crapfest continues out there. Nothing even remotely interesting. I didn't get there until 10am though, and some of the tables were empty. Since it was getting hot so fast, I may have missed some of the good stuff. I bought stuff yesterday at the auction though. I got my vegetables and some more local peaches and came on home. In a side note - idiots who talk about "weak" vegetarians have never seen one wrestle 30 pounds of produce through a flea market and back to the car. And probably haven't done it themselves either.
There is one woman over there who always has locally grown things, and she talked me into getting a patty-pan squash this morning, even though I haven't had much luck with them in the past. I cooked it up, but it just didnt' seem to have much flavor to me. I like the yellow summer squash better.
I used up some big, kind of gone-to-seed squash Dad had given me along with some zucchini I bought today for a recipe I found at Lee's. It was a cream sauce with vegetables, but flavored with chile peppers and cumin. So it was kind of like a Mexican primavera, only served over rice. It turned out pretty good.
I took a nap when I got home from the flea market, then went to the library, the grocery store, and cooked, cleaned the kitchen and did laundry until bedtime. I guess I'm ready to face the week.
Chinese food and fucked up dreams
I was so hungry last night after eating little during the day that I went to the Chinese buffet near my house and ate a painful amount of food. When I got home I had indigestion so bad that I had an awful time getting to sleep, as tired and worn out as I was.
Two very vivid dreams:
The first one had something to do with my having a gorgeous boyfriend and being horribly jealous and possessive of him. That's about all that stuck with me. I'm thinking maybe I couldn't handle remembering more. This may have had some peripheral help from Charlaine Harris's HOT men that she writes for her Sookie Stackhouse series (I finished another one last night before bed). But I think it may have been more about dealing with the complicated tangle of my feelings about Justin. On one hand, I armed myself with a gorgeous boyfriend like his because maybe I just needed to do so, and maybe I was working on my jealousy issues from him having a gorgeous new boyfriend. Dammit, I want a gorgeous new boyfriend. The other part of that in the dream was that said boyfriend brought out the worst in me, and I was fierce and possessive with my affection. In that I think that a) I’m worried that I’m like my father, whose affection is very proprietary and hard to bear up under at times; and b) I’m sure that Justin has probably felt lately that his new boyfriend has brought out the worst in me.
The second dream was much more vivid (it was shorter, and just before I woke up), and stayed with me. For some reason, I was living at home with my Dad and Step-mom again (which would arguably qualify this one as a nightmare, but I digress). I was sitting outside quietly reading at a picnic table in the yard reading, when I looked up to see my father feeding Crooner a saucer of milk on the deck. He didn’t realize I was there. As I watched, he would every so often move the saucer further from the house, and Crooner would obligingly trot further away to keep at the milk. I should tell you that in this dream, Crooner was solid black. He was very thin because he was dying. When Dad realized I was looking at him, he just looked at me and said, “I have to do this. I don’t want him dying in the house.” I was very upset; because of course I wanted him to be able to die at home, especially since he had just gotten settled back in after I moved back in with Dad. I began to cry, and yelled “Don’t you dare stomp at him or get ugly trying to run him off!” An additional element of this dream was guilt that Cindy and Paul really loved Crooner (in the dream), and that I knew they wanted to see him, but that I wouldn’t take him to their house because of the trauma of the car journey and a new place. Cats don’t travel well.
OK, major themes going here.
a) Maybe this dream is about my fear that if I was dying of AIDS, I wouldn’t be able to count on my dad. I know he loves me (see above), and I’m sure if I were dying of something “nice people get” like cancer or something, he would be there for me all the way. But AIDS I don’t know if he could deal with. The emphatic homosexual stigma of the disease would force him to deal with my homosexuality in a very up front way (His glee over my breakup with Michael was fairly palpable. It both returned me to a more juvenile status, and my having a partner was a big ole slap in the face about my being gay. Michael always thought my dad didn’t like him, which he took personally, but in fact I think it was more what Michael stood for than Michael himself that my dad didn’t like.), which he is notably not fond of doing (although he has made strides, I must admit). Also, his new Catholic faith has been notable because of a marked retreat from conventional thinking on many issues (he has announced that he no longer believes in evolution, and is quite verbally anti-abortion, although I admit I didn’t know his views on abortion before the faith change), and his attitude about AIDS has never been particularly enlightened (one comment “I don’t care how many condoms you wear, if you’re swapping spit with them all night, you’re going to get it.”) So honestly, if I had AIDS, I don’t know if he would be able to overcome his own embarrassment (probably) and superstitious fear (seems pretty deep-seated) to be there for me. Since I am dating again, and have met so many HIV positive guys, that is more at the forefront of my mind than usual.
b) This could be me thinking about the Cindy and Paul situation in a different way. I know that Dad and Eve are deeply hurt over not being able to see my nephew Brenden, and Paul has used the excuse that it upsets Brenden to see or talk about them, and they have just gotten him “calmed back down” from the last visit my parents made to Cindy and Paul’s house. The elements are all mixed up, but they’re certainly there.
c) This is my guilt over my fear of hidden racism. I met a guy online recently and we talked and decided to meet. When he showed up at the house, he was black. I wasn’t attracted to him. So I kind of let him know that, and basically charmed him out the door. The guy then sent me an email asking if I didn’t want to see more of him because he is black. I initially felt kind of justified in getting rid of him, because I felt he should have told me that he was black up front. But I didn’t tell him I was white, although he had seen a picture of me. I also usually feel that when it comes to my bed, I have a right to discriminate if I’m not attracted to the guy. I am generally not attracted to black guys. But is this an attraction thing, or is it just deep-seated racism? Having friends who are black, I’m aware, is the usual pap that white people give their conscience so they don’t have to deal with it. I generally don’t think a lot about race a lot in my day-to-day life, but then I guess I have the luxury of not having to think about it since I’m white. I am well aware that how you are perceived very much affects the way you are treated. When I first started carrying a briefcase to work, I dropped off at a restaurant one night on the way home for dinner. I was amazed at how differently I was treated by the staff. Later on, I carried my briefcase to a temp job (mainly because I was used to carrying it, and it had my lunch and a book in it for break time) and was treated very differently by the people I worked with. They thought I was a corporate spy sent by the temp agency or the company to monitor their work, and were very cold to and suspicious of me. The company I was temping for was very impressed with my “professionalism” and wanted to hire me, even though I was doing the same work as everyone else, and probably not in a markedly superior way. Another time I felt this alteration of perception was when I had long hair. On the weekends, when I went out in the morning, I would look pretty scruffy. Long hair, beard, bandanna over my hair, jeans, etc. I began to notice that clerks in stores would be nervous when I went in to buy stuff. If I walked up to an ATM, if a woman was there alone, she would frequently insist that I go first. I realized they were afraid I was going to rob them. I was just flabbergasted. I had always looked so cream cheese and clean-cut that to be casually perceived as a threat was quite shocking to me, but I guess young black men face situations like this all the time. I learned to counteract it by being exceptionally polite. Generally, once someone heard that first deferential “Yes sir” or “Yes ma’am” and realized that I had been “raised right”, they calmed right down. Still, it definitely gave me some food for thought. And apparently I may still be wrestling with discrimination of my own somewhere in the recesses of my psyche.
It was an odd night.
Gentle Reader: I hope all the navel-gazing of late isn’t boring you half to death.
Two very vivid dreams:
The first one had something to do with my having a gorgeous boyfriend and being horribly jealous and possessive of him. That's about all that stuck with me. I'm thinking maybe I couldn't handle remembering more. This may have had some peripheral help from Charlaine Harris's HOT men that she writes for her Sookie Stackhouse series (I finished another one last night before bed). But I think it may have been more about dealing with the complicated tangle of my feelings about Justin. On one hand, I armed myself with a gorgeous boyfriend like his because maybe I just needed to do so, and maybe I was working on my jealousy issues from him having a gorgeous new boyfriend. Dammit, I want a gorgeous new boyfriend. The other part of that in the dream was that said boyfriend brought out the worst in me, and I was fierce and possessive with my affection. In that I think that a) I’m worried that I’m like my father, whose affection is very proprietary and hard to bear up under at times; and b) I’m sure that Justin has probably felt lately that his new boyfriend has brought out the worst in me.
The second dream was much more vivid (it was shorter, and just before I woke up), and stayed with me. For some reason, I was living at home with my Dad and Step-mom again (which would arguably qualify this one as a nightmare, but I digress). I was sitting outside quietly reading at a picnic table in the yard reading, when I looked up to see my father feeding Crooner a saucer of milk on the deck. He didn’t realize I was there. As I watched, he would every so often move the saucer further from the house, and Crooner would obligingly trot further away to keep at the milk. I should tell you that in this dream, Crooner was solid black. He was very thin because he was dying. When Dad realized I was looking at him, he just looked at me and said, “I have to do this. I don’t want him dying in the house.” I was very upset; because of course I wanted him to be able to die at home, especially since he had just gotten settled back in after I moved back in with Dad. I began to cry, and yelled “Don’t you dare stomp at him or get ugly trying to run him off!” An additional element of this dream was guilt that Cindy and Paul really loved Crooner (in the dream), and that I knew they wanted to see him, but that I wouldn’t take him to their house because of the trauma of the car journey and a new place. Cats don’t travel well.
OK, major themes going here.
a) Maybe this dream is about my fear that if I was dying of AIDS, I wouldn’t be able to count on my dad. I know he loves me (see above), and I’m sure if I were dying of something “nice people get” like cancer or something, he would be there for me all the way. But AIDS I don’t know if he could deal with. The emphatic homosexual stigma of the disease would force him to deal with my homosexuality in a very up front way (His glee over my breakup with Michael was fairly palpable. It both returned me to a more juvenile status, and my having a partner was a big ole slap in the face about my being gay. Michael always thought my dad didn’t like him, which he took personally, but in fact I think it was more what Michael stood for than Michael himself that my dad didn’t like.), which he is notably not fond of doing (although he has made strides, I must admit). Also, his new Catholic faith has been notable because of a marked retreat from conventional thinking on many issues (he has announced that he no longer believes in evolution, and is quite verbally anti-abortion, although I admit I didn’t know his views on abortion before the faith change), and his attitude about AIDS has never been particularly enlightened (one comment “I don’t care how many condoms you wear, if you’re swapping spit with them all night, you’re going to get it.”) So honestly, if I had AIDS, I don’t know if he would be able to overcome his own embarrassment (probably) and superstitious fear (seems pretty deep-seated) to be there for me. Since I am dating again, and have met so many HIV positive guys, that is more at the forefront of my mind than usual.
b) This could be me thinking about the Cindy and Paul situation in a different way. I know that Dad and Eve are deeply hurt over not being able to see my nephew Brenden, and Paul has used the excuse that it upsets Brenden to see or talk about them, and they have just gotten him “calmed back down” from the last visit my parents made to Cindy and Paul’s house. The elements are all mixed up, but they’re certainly there.
c) This is my guilt over my fear of hidden racism. I met a guy online recently and we talked and decided to meet. When he showed up at the house, he was black. I wasn’t attracted to him. So I kind of let him know that, and basically charmed him out the door. The guy then sent me an email asking if I didn’t want to see more of him because he is black. I initially felt kind of justified in getting rid of him, because I felt he should have told me that he was black up front. But I didn’t tell him I was white, although he had seen a picture of me. I also usually feel that when it comes to my bed, I have a right to discriminate if I’m not attracted to the guy. I am generally not attracted to black guys. But is this an attraction thing, or is it just deep-seated racism? Having friends who are black, I’m aware, is the usual pap that white people give their conscience so they don’t have to deal with it. I generally don’t think a lot about race a lot in my day-to-day life, but then I guess I have the luxury of not having to think about it since I’m white. I am well aware that how you are perceived very much affects the way you are treated. When I first started carrying a briefcase to work, I dropped off at a restaurant one night on the way home for dinner. I was amazed at how differently I was treated by the staff. Later on, I carried my briefcase to a temp job (mainly because I was used to carrying it, and it had my lunch and a book in it for break time) and was treated very differently by the people I worked with. They thought I was a corporate spy sent by the temp agency or the company to monitor their work, and were very cold to and suspicious of me. The company I was temping for was very impressed with my “professionalism” and wanted to hire me, even though I was doing the same work as everyone else, and probably not in a markedly superior way. Another time I felt this alteration of perception was when I had long hair. On the weekends, when I went out in the morning, I would look pretty scruffy. Long hair, beard, bandanna over my hair, jeans, etc. I began to notice that clerks in stores would be nervous when I went in to buy stuff. If I walked up to an ATM, if a woman was there alone, she would frequently insist that I go first. I realized they were afraid I was going to rob them. I was just flabbergasted. I had always looked so cream cheese and clean-cut that to be casually perceived as a threat was quite shocking to me, but I guess young black men face situations like this all the time. I learned to counteract it by being exceptionally polite. Generally, once someone heard that first deferential “Yes sir” or “Yes ma’am” and realized that I had been “raised right”, they calmed right down. Still, it definitely gave me some food for thought. And apparently I may still be wrestling with discrimination of my own somewhere in the recesses of my psyche.
It was an odd night.
Gentle Reader: I hope all the navel-gazing of late isn’t boring you half to death.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
I am just worn out zzzzzzzzzz
Holiday or "Buttons and Bows" 11 1/2" sandwich platter in pink, circa 1947-1949 I woke up at 6am, unbelievably after last night. I was laying there, really knowing I needed more rest, but at the same time knowing if I was going to Clinton today, I had to shift it. So I plodded from the bed and started going through my routine.
I packed up the car, and got out my gallon insulated drink jug/cooler with spout - possibly one of the most useful things I have ever purchased for days out - and headed out. Since I didn't have any tea made, I stopped at Bojangles. $2 for 64oz of tea is a pretty good deal. Of course, filling the cooler, I spilled it all down my shirt, so then I had to go back home and change.
Then I made it to Miss Kat's and it was off to Clinton.
When I came in, Helen was upstairs, so I made much over her. Helen and I have a lot in common. We're both bluntly outspoken, which is at times charming and at times abrasive. It tends to drive as many people away as it entertains. We both worry things over like a dog with a bone. We both have scrappy personalities we show the world, and we both lack the energy to keep that scrap up all the time, and retreat and hide from the world when we can't do it. We're both lonely. We were both in a good mood Saturday and looking forward to the auction, so we were having a fine ole time.
When we got down there, it was a fairly good-sized auction. It looked like the guy had been a collector, and they were just clearing some stuff out in preparation to the wife going into the nursing home. She was out on the deck in her wheelchair as we got there.
There was a 1957 Chevrolet Bel Aire in two-tone aqua and white for sale. At one time, it had been a fierce car, but it was needing a bit of love at this point, although it still had the original upholstery that was in really good shape. I thought that's why so many people were there, because this place was kind of out in the boonies, but I was wrong. It turns out that this guy had spent years collecting arrowheads locally, and he had TONS of them. Some were apparently very valuable. There were a lot of people there to buy them. There was also a "Turtle totem stone", which was kind of like a fetish, and which is apparently very rare. They guy that auctioned it off was from a museum in Columbia, and he said they didn't have one in their collection. He had an absentee bid for $500 to open for it, which I guess was from the museum, but I think someone else bought it for slightly more. I took a good look at it, because if there are $500 rocks laying around, you can bet yours truly wouldn't mind finding a couple. That part was interesting, but watching lot after lot of arrowheads sell when you had no interest in them did get old. I spent my time wishing they would put the little redneck auction helper boy on the block, cause I sure would have bid him up!
I did get some nice pieces though. I got a Buttons and Bows platter for $15. I think that was all the money on it, but I have a special affection for the pattern, since my Granny Brown has a piece of it we have always used for Thanksgiving, and seeing it always makes me think of her. I was a bit worried because it was grimy, but it was the grime of dis-use, not the grime of obscurity sometimes used by flea market people to sell inferior glass. When I soaked all the crap off of it, it was in pretty much perfect condition, and looked as if it had been rarely used.
I also got a Fire King baking dish for $12.50 that was pretty cool. I'm going to have to do some more research on it, I can't find one like it on line. Apparently one size is vastly more valuable than another. After my online research though, I know there are about a billion of the loaf pans left. I found LOTS of them. I can't even find a decent picture of the one I bought today.
I looked at this cool pottery jug to use as an umbrella stand, but decided not to get it. It was in pretty bad shape, and I think I can find something I like better. Plus I wasn't sure it would fit where I wanted it to go.
Miss Kat bought a little ruby and diamond ring, and then was afraid she had paid too much for it. The stones are very small, but I told her if she really likes it, that's all that matters. dana of course bought old bottles. She did get some nice ones today. She bought a flat of blue Ball jars for $5, and there were some valuable ones in there. She told me on the way back that the shine runners used to break that jars marked "13" for fear of bad luck, so they are rare. There was one in the box she bought. She also got a bunch of old medicine bottles that I thought were neat, and some old Coke syrup bottles for pretty cheap, and I know that stuff is worth money.
Helen bought an old pottery churn for $20, which I just couldn't believe, until I saw it up close. It is pretty pitted and chipped up. But still a really cool thing, and has a lot of character for a play-purty, which is all she bought it for.
It got HOT though, and by the time we left, we were ready to get back in the air. Also, we had to wait a long time to check out because they were doing the auction tags manually, rather than on computer.
Still, it was a lot of fun, I got some great stuff, and really enjoyed spending time with Miss Kat, dana, and Helen. What a great day.
***
When I got home, I just collapsed and took a nap, and then read after I woke up until bed time. I guess the heat had really taken it out of me. I was just bushed. I got up eventually to go eat tons of "Chinese" food at the buffet near the house. Just as I finished eating, Russ called to invite me out to dinner with them. Apparently they flew in late Friday night. I thought they didn't get in until tonight. I hated to miss them, but I was tired, and he was jet-lagged, so we agreed just to catch up later this week.
Friday, July 11, 2008
A visit with Miss Kat
I called Miss Kat after work, and went on over to see her. I talked to her about what has been going on lately, and we just caught up on each other's lives.
Oddly, when I came in last night, Helen just went downstairs. Now I know Helen likes me. I was just really surprised that she went downstairs without saying boo while I was getting a glass of tea.
Miss Kat and I played cards and just hung out until dana got home, talked to Chase (her elderly and very talkative Shepard), and just generally had a good visit. I just think the world of the two of them. They're going to an auction in Clinton tomorrow, and invited me to go with them. I'm pretty whooped, but if I can get my lazy ass moving tomorrow morning, I'm going with them.
When I got home, I had the munchies so bad that cannibalism seemed a viable solution. So I have devoured pretty much everything in my kitchen cabinets, and am now going to bed.
Oddly, when I came in last night, Helen just went downstairs. Now I know Helen likes me. I was just really surprised that she went downstairs without saying boo while I was getting a glass of tea.
Miss Kat and I played cards and just hung out until dana got home, talked to Chase (her elderly and very talkative Shepard), and just generally had a good visit. I just think the world of the two of them. They're going to an auction in Clinton tomorrow, and invited me to go with them. I'm pretty whooped, but if I can get my lazy ass moving tomorrow morning, I'm going with them.
When I got home, I had the munchies so bad that cannibalism seemed a viable solution. So I have devoured pretty much everything in my kitchen cabinets, and am now going to bed.
TGIFF
I just realized, I have two Mrs. Beasley's Chocolate Truffle Cookies in the fridge that I stuck in there last week and forgot about. It's like remembering where you left your buried treasure.
I'm under orders from the doctor not to gain any of the weight back from after the tonsillectomy before the &^%$#@#!!lack of "sleep" study, but I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't lose an ounce. But I guess two cookies won't make that much difference...
***
In other, less fattening news, I sent in my run fees for the Trident Knights "Plunder the Booty" leather run and 15th anniversary party. I'm kinda stoked about it, and feel a bit naughty already. Russ and Billy are going, which is the main reason why I wanted to go, but it's at The Parliament Resort in Augusta and I haven't been down there but one time. I had a really good time when I was there before though, and made a friend.
Also, the little cafeteria down the road makes creamed potatoes as good as Grandma Shumate's. And I don't say that lightly.
Plus I just always have fun when I go off with Russ and Billy.
I'm under orders from the doctor not to gain any of the weight back from after the tonsillectomy before the &^%$#@#!!
***
In other, less fattening news, I sent in my run fees for the Trident Knights "Plunder the Booty" leather run and 15th anniversary party. I'm kinda stoked about it, and feel a bit naughty already. Russ and Billy are going, which is the main reason why I wanted to go, but it's at The Parliament Resort in Augusta and I haven't been down there but one time. I had a really good time when I was there before though, and made a friend.
Also, the little cafeteria down the road makes creamed potatoes as good as Grandma Shumate's. And I don't say that lightly.
Plus I just always have fun when I go off with Russ and Billy.
TGIF
Ugh. This week has been so draining. Between fussin and trying to recover from last weekend, plus work, I am just exhausted.
Mama is still hopping around on one leg, and says she's fallen twice. She is going to the doctor to get something she can walk on put on her foot next week, thank goodness. She can't go to take care of my grandparents this weekend because she's in such bad shape, but of course she's telling me she doesn't need me down there. I guess that's just as well.
I haven't done any chores this week, so I have plenty to catch up on this weekend. I also have to figure out what to do with those old DirecTV boxes, which have laid all over the house until they are on my nerves. Michael says they are worth money, but I can't imagine a) how I would list them; and b) who would buy them. I think I'll just put them away and focus on laundry and cooking this weekend, and kind of get the house runninng again. I have to go get some more books too. I've read almost everything I have at the house. Although I still have the book Miss Kat loaned me when I had surgery....
I have an email out to them. I may go and see them this weekend. They invited me over for a 4th cookout thing last weekend, but of course I was in Charlotte. I promised Helen I'd get over there this week, and this week will be over pretty soon, so I guess I need to get on over there.
Mama is still hopping around on one leg, and says she's fallen twice. She is going to the doctor to get something she can walk on put on her foot next week, thank goodness. She can't go to take care of my grandparents this weekend because she's in such bad shape, but of course she's telling me she doesn't need me down there. I guess that's just as well.
I haven't done any chores this week, so I have plenty to catch up on this weekend. I also have to figure out what to do with those old DirecTV boxes, which have laid all over the house until they are on my nerves. Michael says they are worth money, but I can't imagine a) how I would list them; and b) who would buy them. I think I'll just put them away and focus on laundry and cooking this weekend, and kind of get the house runninng again. I have to go get some more books too. I've read almost everything I have at the house. Although I still have the book Miss Kat loaned me when I had surgery....
I have an email out to them. I may go and see them this weekend. They invited me over for a 4th cookout thing last weekend, but of course I was in Charlotte. I promised Helen I'd get over there this week, and this week will be over pretty soon, so I guess I need to get on over there.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Picking up the reins again
Apparently I have decided to return to the fool's paradise. I'm ending the latest pity party and trying to mend fences with my friend.
I am a smaller person than I would like to be (inside - outside I still have the physique of a shaved penguin - who is retaining water). Of course if my friends are in LOVE I should be happy for them, and supportive, despite the problems I see in the situation. I've spent so much time trying to shore up my sister's disastrous love life through the years, and trying to be supportive of her, that I'm just burnt out on it. I've been cheerleader for the losing team so often that it's hard to stomach. I've held back on so much Truth (as I see it) that it makes me nauseous now. Lisa's self-esteem has always been so fragile that I've tried to build it up, no matter how stupid I thought she was being. And of course, when I finally did say "enough", she pretty much Cast Me Out.
That has been basically the same situation this week. Plus my feelings were hurt. Plus I was feeling pretty damn down. So this friend got it right between the eyes when he tried to dress me down about my "negativity".
I would really, really like to think that I'm not such a bitter old hag that I can't do anything but pop the bubbles of other people in my life, but that's how I feel right now.
It's hard to re-adjust when you think that your romantic life is over. When I was first single again, it felt like an adventure. It isn't. Dating in my 20's was like being a kid in a candy store. Dating in my 40's is like being in a big fridge looking at all the leftovers. It's hard to go from being the romantic lead in your life to being the comic relief. I have been trying. I thought I was doing a fair Eve Arden impersonation, but it seems that I was doing Coco Peru instead. Coco Peru from "Girls Will Be Girls" too.
So I just gotta pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again, as the song says. I will be sweet, I will be funny, I will be charming. If it fucking kills me. Because the alternative is that I drive people away. I spend enough time by myself. I'm hoping that it stops feeling like I'm living life in an audition at some point. They say if you smile long enough, you really feel happy. Maybe if I'm sweet, funny, and charming long enough, I'll start feeling that way again.
I am a smaller person than I would like to be (inside - outside I still have the physique of a shaved penguin - who is retaining water). Of course if my friends are in LOVE I should be happy for them, and supportive, despite the problems I see in the situation. I've spent so much time trying to shore up my sister's disastrous love life through the years, and trying to be supportive of her, that I'm just burnt out on it. I've been cheerleader for the losing team so often that it's hard to stomach. I've held back on so much Truth (as I see it) that it makes me nauseous now. Lisa's self-esteem has always been so fragile that I've tried to build it up, no matter how stupid I thought she was being. And of course, when I finally did say "enough", she pretty much Cast Me Out.
That has been basically the same situation this week. Plus my feelings were hurt. Plus I was feeling pretty damn down. So this friend got it right between the eyes when he tried to dress me down about my "negativity".
I would really, really like to think that I'm not such a bitter old hag that I can't do anything but pop the bubbles of other people in my life, but that's how I feel right now.
It's hard to re-adjust when you think that your romantic life is over. When I was first single again, it felt like an adventure. It isn't. Dating in my 20's was like being a kid in a candy store. Dating in my 40's is like being in a big fridge looking at all the leftovers. It's hard to go from being the romantic lead in your life to being the comic relief. I have been trying. I thought I was doing a fair Eve Arden impersonation, but it seems that I was doing Coco Peru instead. Coco Peru from "Girls Will Be Girls" too.
So I just gotta pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again, as the song says. I will be sweet, I will be funny, I will be charming. If it fucking kills me. Because the alternative is that I drive people away. I spend enough time by myself. I'm hoping that it stops feeling like I'm living life in an audition at some point. They say if you smile long enough, you really feel happy. Maybe if I'm sweet, funny, and charming long enough, I'll start feeling that way again.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Sadder but wiser, again
Not surprisingly, I didn't sleep well last night. I'm tired and heartsick and feel like complete crap. But of course life goes on and work continues.
Apparently I am more my father’s son than I want to admit. My affection comes with an unrealistic expectation of fealty. I am guilty of consistently over-estimating my importance in the lives of others, and apparently I have done it again.
I can remember once, when I was new to my position with Gates, giving a seminar about collections and how it works. I asked one of my agency guys to come up from Atlanta to help answer questions. Since I field frequent questions from co-workers about my job, I assumed that the people I work with would be interested and appreciative. I can still remember how I felt when I read the vicious, horrible responses on the confidential comment surveys when they came back. When I mentioned this to a friend, she said "Well of course they hated it, Steve. You dragged the cows from their desks, bombarded them with information, interrupted their breaks, and made them think. Of course they hated your guts." I had thought the whole thing went beautifully. I had thought my peers liked and respected me. I had walked straight over a cliff like Wyle E. Coyote.
That's how I feel today - as if the shadow of the big rock just gets bigger and bigger, and my former safety net is in fact a tiny umbrella. Since Michael left, I have consoled myself with the thought that I am a rich man in the ways that really matter. I never really minded not being that close to most of my family because I had such a large "family of friends". I thought I had a strong network of people who truly cared for me - people I could count on if I needed them. I now realize just how few people like that I know.
I have a wide circle of acquaintance and a number of places where I am welcome. I can certainly hunt up a party or something to do pretty much any time I want. But it is brought home to me now how tenuous my ties are with my friends. So long as I am entertaining and charming and cook well, I can count on that circle of acquaintance. But if I truly need someone, there are very few people I can really count on. I suppose it is better that I know this. But like most home truths, it is knowledge painfully won.
I’m not sure what to do with it. Do I allow this to affect my present friendships? Do I withdraw to spend my time with the few people I know who are what I thought they were? Or do I continue as before, pushing this truth to the back of my mind to once again live in a fool’s paradise? Right now, my old life feels like a waste of time. I don’t know that I can go back to it with this perception so at the forefront of my mind, and I really don’t want to. I want to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me.
Apparently I am more my father’s son than I want to admit. My affection comes with an unrealistic expectation of fealty. I am guilty of consistently over-estimating my importance in the lives of others, and apparently I have done it again.
I can remember once, when I was new to my position with Gates, giving a seminar about collections and how it works. I asked one of my agency guys to come up from Atlanta to help answer questions. Since I field frequent questions from co-workers about my job, I assumed that the people I work with would be interested and appreciative. I can still remember how I felt when I read the vicious, horrible responses on the confidential comment surveys when they came back. When I mentioned this to a friend, she said "Well of course they hated it, Steve. You dragged the cows from their desks, bombarded them with information, interrupted their breaks, and made them think. Of course they hated your guts." I had thought the whole thing went beautifully. I had thought my peers liked and respected me. I had walked straight over a cliff like Wyle E. Coyote.
That's how I feel today - as if the shadow of the big rock just gets bigger and bigger, and my former safety net is in fact a tiny umbrella. Since Michael left, I have consoled myself with the thought that I am a rich man in the ways that really matter. I never really minded not being that close to most of my family because I had such a large "family of friends". I thought I had a strong network of people who truly cared for me - people I could count on if I needed them. I now realize just how few people like that I know.
I have a wide circle of acquaintance and a number of places where I am welcome. I can certainly hunt up a party or something to do pretty much any time I want. But it is brought home to me now how tenuous my ties are with my friends. So long as I am entertaining and charming and cook well, I can count on that circle of acquaintance. But if I truly need someone, there are very few people I can really count on. I suppose it is better that I know this. But like most home truths, it is knowledge painfully won.
I’m not sure what to do with it. Do I allow this to affect my present friendships? Do I withdraw to spend my time with the few people I know who are what I thought they were? Or do I continue as before, pushing this truth to the back of my mind to once again live in a fool’s paradise? Right now, my old life feels like a waste of time. I don’t know that I can go back to it with this perception so at the forefront of my mind, and I really don’t want to. I want to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Nothing works
The exchanges just continued. Nothing I said or read made me feel any better, until I was just met with silence.
I feel hurt and bruised, like I've been beaten up from the inside out.
All I want to do is bury myself in a book until it all goes away. Which I guess it will now. So that's what I'm going to do.
I feel hurt and bruised, like I've been beaten up from the inside out.
All I want to do is bury myself in a book until it all goes away. Which I guess it will now. So that's what I'm going to do.
The gloves come off
Well I'm scrapping with a friend, and feeling terrible about it. Holding back has never been my strong suit, and I've been biting back words on a new boyfriend situation. He could of course tell. Since he met said new boyfriend, the guy has devoured my friend's life and occupied his every waking thought for weeks. I suppose it's natural. He's young and the guy is gorgeous. I know I was that way in my 20's at times. It never ended happily for me.
Every time I have had that huge rush, it has been like going over a waterfall. Incredibly exhilarating until you hit the rocks. Apparently this perspective is neither appreciated nor wanted. I can understand that too.
I have to figure out how much of this is me, and how much is him. He of course doesn't want to hear any inkling that this will not turn out well. I can understand that. I have never been the type to float along with my fingers in my ears, but I know that many do. And I truly wouldn't want to interfere with his happiness, but something in my nature just can't help but point out the clouds on the horizon, however fleetingly. I can't decide if this is selfishness or altruism. I would rather scope out and anticipate problems, but everyone isn't me. Those pointers have been met with an incredibly defensive and aggressive response.
From my side, having this surgery has really been kind of an eye-opener for me. Some people I thought were good friends didn't even bother to check on me. That has hurt my feelings, but I can't take that hurt and pile it all on this one friend, even though he has hurt my feelings too. I knew the new boyfriend would consume him if things worked out, and they have. So that is nothing I shouldn't have expected.
Am I too old to have a friend in his 20's? Maybe I just don't have the patience for it. I have treated this guy as a contemporary when he isn't. I have been expecting him to awake to a perspective it has taken me twice as long to achieve, which is just unrealistic and unfair. In some ways, he is remarkably mature, which may be why I have had such expectations. But of course in some ways he isn't, which is perfectly natural.
How much of this is my own lonliness? Being the only single person adrift in a world of couples is something I feel more keenly of late, and watching watching these two play happy-snuggle-bunny-couple has kind of rubbed my face in that, but that isn't really their fault. I feel like a woman who has lost a child, and chosen to spend her spare time in maternity ward. Everyone else seems to be celebrating something I am mourning the loss of. So I understand that I am overly sensitive to some things at the moment.
I guess I feel like a lot of my friends have let me down lately, but he isn't the only one.
Maybe I am bitter. Or maybe I just need people around me now who are a bit more constant. Or at least not obnoxiously coupled.
Every time I have had that huge rush, it has been like going over a waterfall. Incredibly exhilarating until you hit the rocks. Apparently this perspective is neither appreciated nor wanted. I can understand that too.
I have to figure out how much of this is me, and how much is him. He of course doesn't want to hear any inkling that this will not turn out well. I can understand that. I have never been the type to float along with my fingers in my ears, but I know that many do. And I truly wouldn't want to interfere with his happiness, but something in my nature just can't help but point out the clouds on the horizon, however fleetingly. I can't decide if this is selfishness or altruism. I would rather scope out and anticipate problems, but everyone isn't me. Those pointers have been met with an incredibly defensive and aggressive response.
From my side, having this surgery has really been kind of an eye-opener for me. Some people I thought were good friends didn't even bother to check on me. That has hurt my feelings, but I can't take that hurt and pile it all on this one friend, even though he has hurt my feelings too. I knew the new boyfriend would consume him if things worked out, and they have. So that is nothing I shouldn't have expected.
Am I too old to have a friend in his 20's? Maybe I just don't have the patience for it. I have treated this guy as a contemporary when he isn't. I have been expecting him to awake to a perspective it has taken me twice as long to achieve, which is just unrealistic and unfair. In some ways, he is remarkably mature, which may be why I have had such expectations. But of course in some ways he isn't, which is perfectly natural.
How much of this is my own lonliness? Being the only single person adrift in a world of couples is something I feel more keenly of late, and watching watching these two play happy-snuggle-bunny-couple has kind of rubbed my face in that, but that isn't really their fault. I feel like a woman who has lost a child, and chosen to spend her spare time in maternity ward. Everyone else seems to be celebrating something I am mourning the loss of. So I understand that I am overly sensitive to some things at the moment.
I guess I feel like a lot of my friends have let me down lately, but he isn't the only one.
Maybe I am bitter. Or maybe I just need people around me now who are a bit more constant. Or at least not obnoxiously coupled.
Monday, July 7, 2008
I definitely over-did it this weekend
I woke up this morning tired, and felt drug out all day today. It was a great weekend, but I'm paying for it.
I was sleepy all day at work today. After work, I went to the East China Buffet because for some reason, I just Could No Longer Live without some of their coconut shrimp. Russ took me over there, and now I'm hooked. They're not even that good. They must put crack in the sauce or something. Anyway, I didn't have a lot of food at the house anyway, and didn't feel like cooking, so that worked out.
After eating a painful amount, I went home and finished the first I have read of yet another Charlaine Harris series A Bone to Pick, which is from her Aurora Teagarden series. Not the most spellbinding of mysteries, but a good read nonetheless.
Then it was lights out.
I was sleepy all day at work today. After work, I went to the East China Buffet because for some reason, I just Could No Longer Live without some of their coconut shrimp. Russ took me over there, and now I'm hooked. They're not even that good. They must put crack in the sauce or something. Anyway, I didn't have a lot of food at the house anyway, and didn't feel like cooking, so that worked out.
After eating a painful amount, I went home and finished the first I have read of yet another Charlaine Harris series A Bone to Pick, which is from her Aurora Teagarden series. Not the most spellbinding of mysteries, but a good read nonetheless.
Then it was lights out.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Well today I had to go home*
As much as I enjoyed the weekend, I had to go home today. I got up intending to head out early. Apparently I have overdone it more than I realized this weekend, despite the naps. I felt really drug out and tired.
But then Lee suggested I hang out and go shopping. I love to go shopping with Lee. Not only does it take me back and renew our bond - we've been shopping together for about 20 years now - Lee is fabulous shopping luck. He just seems to always know where the good deals are. Plus, I really didn't want to go home anyway, and this was a good way to prolong the weekend.
I got two pairs of cool camoflage lounge pants for about $2.15 each, a ball whisk I have been looking for for several years for $10, and a really cool zip up jacket that had been marked down from $98 to $25. It was a good shopping day. We looked at a new quilted bedspread for my bed on a super deal, but it wasn't machine-washable, and that is just a must for any new bed linens I buy. The cats spend so much time on the bed that I need to be able to wash my new bed cover. Lee got some new napkin rings to add to his collection at a really good price.
We weren't at the mall that long, but I was really wiped. When we got back to his place, I had a bit of lunch, and just felt like weights were hanging off of me. There was no way I could have done the drive home. I lay down on the sofa and took a bit of a nap, and felt much better when I woke up. Clayton reports that I wasn't snoring either - BONUS.
I made the drive home, ran a few errands, and got settled back in. Fortunately, I have some lunches ready for this week, so I don't have to cook tonight. I watched the usual Sunday-night lineup while watering plants, eating dinner, and getting ready for bed, and then turned in. I am really worn out, despite the nap.
But then Lee suggested I hang out and go shopping. I love to go shopping with Lee. Not only does it take me back and renew our bond - we've been shopping together for about 20 years now - Lee is fabulous shopping luck. He just seems to always know where the good deals are. Plus, I really didn't want to go home anyway, and this was a good way to prolong the weekend.
I got two pairs of cool camoflage lounge pants for about $2.15 each, a ball whisk I have been looking for for several years for $10, and a really cool zip up jacket that had been marked down from $98 to $25. It was a good shopping day. We looked at a new quilted bedspread for my bed on a super deal, but it wasn't machine-washable, and that is just a must for any new bed linens I buy. The cats spend so much time on the bed that I need to be able to wash my new bed cover. Lee got some new napkin rings to add to his collection at a really good price.
We weren't at the mall that long, but I was really wiped. When we got back to his place, I had a bit of lunch, and just felt like weights were hanging off of me. There was no way I could have done the drive home. I lay down on the sofa and took a bit of a nap, and felt much better when I woke up. Clayton reports that I wasn't snoring either - BONUS.
I made the drive home, ran a few errands, and got settled back in. Fortunately, I have some lunches ready for this week, so I don't have to cook tonight. I watched the usual Sunday-night lineup while watering plants, eating dinner, and getting ready for bed, and then turned in. I am really worn out, despite the nap.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
The dinner party
The table. Set with fresh-cut hydrangeas from the yard. Note my baked beans and potato salad are already on the table.Was lovely. Lee decided to use the Fiestawear, rather than the china, since this was a cookout, and less formal occasion. My baked beans turned out great, and were a big hit. I was disappointed in the potato salad, although it was complimented. I should have tasted it myself this afternoon. I think it could have used more dressing. Lee sets a beautiful table.
Marvin came, flirted outrageously (in response to my own, admittedly outrageous flirting), and then left as usual. He is a cute guy, but I guess nothing will ever come of it. He seems to have an overly responsible guilt complex about letting his mother watch the children (he has two cousins he brought into the country and has custody of), and even if I did want to start a long-distance dating thing (which I really don't), it doesn't seem like we would ever see each other. Apparently he has just decided to be celibate until the children move out.
Lee and Clayton's friend Daniel came. I like Daniel, who unfortunately typifies a certain type of gay stereotype, for whom a fetish seems more important than a genuine partnership. He likes young and Asian men, and if there are none interested, he doesn't seem to want to go out at all. So he has a young Asian guy he is seeing right now, but there is expressly no commitment between them. At 48 (even a good-looking and youthful 48), you can only cling to a stereotype like that for so long, unless you are willing to enter into a more mecenary type of relationship, or are very very lucky. Thus far, Daniel hasn't been that lucky. It was hard to get a read on this new guy though, since he barely said 15 words through the whole evening. He came in late, snuggled up with Daniel, and basically went to sleep.
The conversation was pretty good, for the most part, although Clayton insisted on interrupting the flow to turn on the television at 10pm. Apparently Graham Norton takes precedence over any other activity (he was going to change it from a movie we were watching last night for the show, but for some reason it wasn't on). No one else seemed to think this was strange, so I guess I just don't get it. I would never think of having a dinner party and turning on the television to watch a show rather than converse with my guests. But then I'm not really as involved with television as most people are, so I guess I'm the odd one out. The show was entertaining enough, I guess, if you like that type of thing. Since I only knew who one of the celebrity guests were, and I wasn't really interested in him, it was of limited interest to me. I feel an increasing gulf between myself and the pop culture society in which I live. It isn't just with Lee and Clayton. Russ and Billy follow all that stuff too. I just usually can't bring myself to care much about it. It doesn't seem that interesting or important to me most of the time.
I really liked the other couple that were there. One of them smokes, so we could go outside to smoke and talk together. They are very, very happy together, so they are very lucky. They've been together for 7 years, and apparently the honeymoon still isn't over. I'm happy for them, but happy people generally don't have that much to talk about. They are ensconced in cream-cheese suburbia, joined at the hip, and very content that way. Good for them. I guess I just didn't have enough to relate to with them. Really nice guys though.
So it was an enjoyable evening. It was nice to have people in, since I rarely do so at home. I love cooking for people too, so since Lee and Clayton have the room to enteratain that I don't, I like cooking for their guests, and for them.
Marvin came, flirted outrageously (in response to my own, admittedly outrageous flirting), and then left as usual. He is a cute guy, but I guess nothing will ever come of it. He seems to have an overly responsible guilt complex about letting his mother watch the children (he has two cousins he brought into the country and has custody of), and even if I did want to start a long-distance dating thing (which I really don't), it doesn't seem like we would ever see each other. Apparently he has just decided to be celibate until the children move out.
Lee and Clayton's friend Daniel came. I like Daniel, who unfortunately typifies a certain type of gay stereotype, for whom a fetish seems more important than a genuine partnership. He likes young and Asian men, and if there are none interested, he doesn't seem to want to go out at all. So he has a young Asian guy he is seeing right now, but there is expressly no commitment between them. At 48 (even a good-looking and youthful 48), you can only cling to a stereotype like that for so long, unless you are willing to enter into a more mecenary type of relationship, or are very very lucky. Thus far, Daniel hasn't been that lucky. It was hard to get a read on this new guy though, since he barely said 15 words through the whole evening. He came in late, snuggled up with Daniel, and basically went to sleep.
The conversation was pretty good, for the most part, although Clayton insisted on interrupting the flow to turn on the television at 10pm. Apparently Graham Norton takes precedence over any other activity (he was going to change it from a movie we were watching last night for the show, but for some reason it wasn't on). No one else seemed to think this was strange, so I guess I just don't get it. I would never think of having a dinner party and turning on the television to watch a show rather than converse with my guests. But then I'm not really as involved with television as most people are, so I guess I'm the odd one out. The show was entertaining enough, I guess, if you like that type of thing. Since I only knew who one of the celebrity guests were, and I wasn't really interested in him, it was of limited interest to me. I feel an increasing gulf between myself and the pop culture society in which I live. It isn't just with Lee and Clayton. Russ and Billy follow all that stuff too. I just usually can't bring myself to care much about it. It doesn't seem that interesting or important to me most of the time.
I really liked the other couple that were there. One of them smokes, so we could go outside to smoke and talk together. They are very, very happy together, so they are very lucky. They've been together for 7 years, and apparently the honeymoon still isn't over. I'm happy for them, but happy people generally don't have that much to talk about. They are ensconced in cream-cheese suburbia, joined at the hip, and very content that way. Good for them. I guess I just didn't have enough to relate to with them. Really nice guys though.
So it was an enjoyable evening. It was nice to have people in, since I rarely do so at home. I love cooking for people too, so since Lee and Clayton have the room to enteratain that I don't, I like cooking for their guests, and for them.
Another lovely Charlotte day
Monkey stirrup spout vessel. Vessels such as these were apparently used as ceremonial drinking vessels for alcohol or blood. Today we went to the Mint Museum of Art in Charlotte. I had looked them up online, and they had a collection of antique American cut glass on display. Not only perfect for the 4th weekend, but pretty much tailor-made for yours truly. They didn't have a huge collection on display (it was a traveling exhibit), but what they did have was exquisite. Lots of Bohemian-inspired glass mixed in for color too.
They had a very nice collection of newer paintings which I wish we had had more time to spend viewing. We spent too much time in the excellent South and Central American collections they had going back before the Spanish Colonial period, set up by region and roughly in chronological order. Fascinating.
We also spent a good amount of time in the china and porcelain exhibit. The antique china was fairly extensive, and Lee loves dishes as much as I do, although I like old dishes and he seems to skew towards new stuff. He and Clayton have traveled enough that he has a perspective on the influences from different regions that I don't.
After the glass and dishes, we did the fashion exhibit, which was interesting, but too much modern stuff for my taste, although they did have some lovely things. By that time, I was flagging a bit after getting relatively little sleep last night, and I still had beans to make. We stopped off at Fresh Market for fresh flowers for tonight, and to pick up some lunch. I had my favorite lunch, Fresh Market pimento cheese with crostini and tomato.
After that, I took a nap that I apparently needed, sleeping about two hours. I had another very vivid dream involving a street festival and a ne'er-do-well boyfriend. I don't know where all that is coming from. Street festivals have been on my mind since I read about the madness they were putting together in downtown Greenville this weekend. Then I got up and put my beans together. They look lovely. We tasted the potato salad too, and it is good. So I've had a good weekend in the kitchen, as long as I don't burn my beans.
The guests are coming 6ish, and Marvin will be here. I'm thinking I probably don't have to worry about whether or not I have onion on my burger, but hope springs eternal....
The beautiful dreams continue
One of the things I have noticed lately is that I am dreaming intently. I suppose I am making up for the loss of REM sleep for all those interrupted nights after the surgery. At any rate, last night's was wonderful.
I was in Spain. I had just succeeded in stealing a little Spanish hairdresser from his ex, a conspicuously beautiful and well-known hairdresser who treated him poorly. After hanging around with them for some time, my little guy had finally realized that I cared for him and would treat him much better than this guy, who made him unhappy. My guy was slightly effeminate, but very cute. He had chocolate brown eyes, and crooked teeth that I found endearing.
We had been to eat at a colorful Spanish street festival (delicious seafood paella) , and he left me to cut hair at a temporary booth he was working for the festival. I had enjoyed the festival, and then gone to watch him when he didn't know I was around. I wanted to see him work. I had seen him interact with his customers, who knew his talent. He cared about each one, and brought out their own beauty, while joking with them and making them feel good. The all loved him.
He had just noticed me standing off to the side, and his eyes lit up. He came over to me, and we sat down, him on my lap. He was telling me between kisses how much he adored me when I woke up. Sigh. If only.
Not sure where that one is coming from. From lonliness, sure. But Marvin is Hispanic and small. Could that have been him in the dream? He doesn't do hair. And he has nice teeth. Plus, Lee told me last night that he doesn't think Marvin is really interested in me. Could this have been my sub-conscious packaging some secret affection for Russ? I don't think so. I adore Russ, but we have never been attracted to each other. Maybe that is as close as my sub-conscious can get to working out old feelings for Billy. I had an enormous crush on Billy years before Russ, but I was never Billy's type. I still love Billy, but I would never try to come between him and Russ (not that I could if I wanted to). Maybe my brain is just trying to make me feel better. I have really been feeling like the odd one out lately. It was a lovely dream.
I'm really glad there is another single person coming tonight, even if he isn't interested in me.
I was in Spain. I had just succeeded in stealing a little Spanish hairdresser from his ex, a conspicuously beautiful and well-known hairdresser who treated him poorly. After hanging around with them for some time, my little guy had finally realized that I cared for him and would treat him much better than this guy, who made him unhappy. My guy was slightly effeminate, but very cute. He had chocolate brown eyes, and crooked teeth that I found endearing.
We had been to eat at a colorful Spanish street festival (delicious seafood paella) , and he left me to cut hair at a temporary booth he was working for the festival. I had enjoyed the festival, and then gone to watch him when he didn't know I was around. I wanted to see him work. I had seen him interact with his customers, who knew his talent. He cared about each one, and brought out their own beauty, while joking with them and making them feel good. The all loved him.
He had just noticed me standing off to the side, and his eyes lit up. He came over to me, and we sat down, him on my lap. He was telling me between kisses how much he adored me when I woke up. Sigh. If only.
Not sure where that one is coming from. From lonliness, sure. But Marvin is Hispanic and small. Could that have been him in the dream? He doesn't do hair. And he has nice teeth. Plus, Lee told me last night that he doesn't think Marvin is really interested in me. Could this have been my sub-conscious packaging some secret affection for Russ? I don't think so. I adore Russ, but we have never been attracted to each other. Maybe that is as close as my sub-conscious can get to working out old feelings for Billy. I had an enormous crush on Billy years before Russ, but I was never Billy's type. I still love Billy, but I would never try to come between him and Russ (not that I could if I wanted to). Maybe my brain is just trying to make me feel better. I have really been feeling like the odd one out lately. It was a lovely dream.
I'm really glad there is another single person coming tonight, even if he isn't interested in me.
Friday, July 4, 2008
After supper (my eggplant turned out absolutely delicious, if I did make it), Clayton and I finished off the night with a piece of cake and an old Star Wars (#5) on cable while Lee made a stawberry cake for tomorrow night. The cream cheese icing has real stawberries cut up in it, and tastes amazing. My potato salad turned out very good - thank goodness. The last batch I made really wasn't fit to eat, and I was worried it had been so long since I made it that I had lost my hand. I got a bit too much celery in it, but Clayton said he liked it.
I had a terrible time getting to sleep last night, even with sleeping pills. I washorny as a three-legged goat preoccupied.
I had a terrible time getting to sleep last night, even with sleeping pills. I was
A nice Charlotte Lee/Clayton day
I slept well last night, and dreamed I was singing in a concert. I guess that's because my singing voice (or possible lack thereof) has been on my mind so much lately. I got up about 8:30 and headed downstairs to see who was up. I was surprised that Lee was still in bed. But Clayton was up, and had made coffee. So I got a cup and headed to the den to escape the little kitchen TV and read for a bit while Clayton messed around on the computer.
When Lee got up, we decided to go to Original Pancake House for brunch. I LOVE the OPH, and always want to go there when I come to Charlotte. There are a couple in Atlanta too, but I hardly ever go to Atlanta any more. Sadly, there aren't any in Greenville. Their old-school French-style mushroom omlette with sherry cream sauce is just one of my reasons to keep on living.
Before that though, we made a trip to the Farmer's Market for fresh produce for the party tomorrow night. The market was pretty quiet today, it being the 4th and all, but there were enough sellers there to find what we needed, and there was some really nice produce to choose from. I founds some beautiful eggplants and scallions, so decided to make a greek eggplant dish that I do for dinner tonight, adding the caramelized scallions just because.
I also told Lee I would make potato salad, since my mother's is so good, and he says his isn't that good. Well I found out why. No Duke's mayonnaise, and no celery. Hello. Everyone knows potato salad has to have celery for flavor and crunch. It surprises me how many people seem to have such an extreme aversion to celery. Then Clayton was trying to tell me what kind of vingar to use in the dressing. Finally, I was like "Why did you ask me to make it, and then try to tell me how to do it?" After that, they said I could put what I wanted in it.
After brunch, and a stroll through Home Depot (the downtown one here is quite posh, and has apparently taken over the pre-fab fag furniture market since Bombay Company went out of business), we came home. I was pretty tired. I'm still getting tired faster than usual, and I had done a lot more walking around than usual this morning.
While Lee was at the store getting the rest of the stuff for the cookout, I rested for a while, then put the potato salad together. I hate making it, but I'd rather make it than eat storebought - ew. I also put the eggplant together and got it ready to bake for dinner. So I was happily buzzing around in the kitchen, but I think I overdid it a bit today. I'm pretty tired. But I do love to cook for people; and they're having folks in tomorrow. So it's all good. All I am doing tomorrow that I know of is making the baked beans.
When Lee got up, we decided to go to Original Pancake House for brunch. I LOVE the OPH, and always want to go there when I come to Charlotte. There are a couple in Atlanta too, but I hardly ever go to Atlanta any more. Sadly, there aren't any in Greenville. Their old-school French-style mushroom omlette with sherry cream sauce is just one of my reasons to keep on living.
Before that though, we made a trip to the Farmer's Market for fresh produce for the party tomorrow night. The market was pretty quiet today, it being the 4th and all, but there were enough sellers there to find what we needed, and there was some really nice produce to choose from. I founds some beautiful eggplants and scallions, so decided to make a greek eggplant dish that I do for dinner tonight, adding the caramelized scallions just because.
I also told Lee I would make potato salad, since my mother's is so good, and he says his isn't that good. Well I found out why. No Duke's mayonnaise, and no celery. Hello. Everyone knows potato salad has to have celery for flavor and crunch. It surprises me how many people seem to have such an extreme aversion to celery. Then Clayton was trying to tell me what kind of vingar to use in the dressing. Finally, I was like "Why did you ask me to make it, and then try to tell me how to do it?" After that, they said I could put what I wanted in it.
After brunch, and a stroll through Home Depot (the downtown one here is quite posh, and has apparently taken over the pre-fab fag furniture market since Bombay Company went out of business), we came home. I was pretty tired. I'm still getting tired faster than usual, and I had done a lot more walking around than usual this morning.
While Lee was at the store getting the rest of the stuff for the cookout, I rested for a while, then put the potato salad together. I hate making it, but I'd rather make it than eat storebought - ew. I also put the eggplant together and got it ready to bake for dinner. So I was happily buzzing around in the kitchen, but I think I overdid it a bit today. I'm pretty tired. But I do love to cook for people; and they're having folks in tomorrow. So it's all good. All I am doing tomorrow that I know of is making the baked beans.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Arrival in Charlotte
I sneaked out of work 10 minutes early, beat the traffic out, and made record time to Charlotte. I got there about 7:10, and caught Lee and Clayton still prepping the house. After some debate, we headed out to dinner. I had a baby spinch salad with some truly excellent grilled salmon. I love it, but usually it's overdone when I get it out.
We talked and caught up some, but my voice won't hold out really well to talk over the TV right now, and Clayton is really in to having it on all the time. Also the restaurant where we ate was really noisy.
By the time we got home, the late(r) night last night, the doctor visit, work, and then the drive up took their toll. I was pretty worn out. So I went on to bed.
We talked and caught up some, but my voice won't hold out really well to talk over the TV right now, and Clayton is really in to having it on all the time. Also the restaurant where we ate was really noisy.
By the time we got home, the late(r) night last night, the doctor visit, work, and then the drive up took their toll. I was pretty worn out. So I went on to bed.
Post-op with the doc
My appointment with the surgeon today went well. He says I'm healing splendidly, and that things couldn't look more the way he wants them to look at this point. He also told me I will have swelling and irritation going away for another three weeks. That is good news for me since it means I will get more comfortable, and my voice will get better. I'm getting kind of tired of sounding like an echo-y snotnose all the time, and my throat still already feels too full of throat to swallow much else when I'm eating. He was also able to remove a dead skin flap that had been bothering me, and I was glad to get rid of it.
He is a very good doctor, but I waited almost an hour to actually see him. This after the difficulty trying to get an appointment. And of course I went through the same thing scheduling the next one. His staff has apparently been told they cannot make an appointment unless it is inconvenient. Either he is really, really busy, or he is out of the office a lot.
More bad news - another @#$!%$$##!!**lack of 'sleep' study. And this after I swore a Scarlett O'Hara vow to never have another. But this one will be to see whether or not I can get rid of the CPAP machine, so I guess it will be worth it. I'm going to make them give me mega-sleep drugs too.
As soon as I got to work, Paul called. It was good to hear from him, but there is little I can offer him in the way of advice. The die is pretty much cast now. And I just can't stomach going over and over family discord if there is nothing to come of it.
He is a very good doctor, but I waited almost an hour to actually see him. This after the difficulty trying to get an appointment. And of course I went through the same thing scheduling the next one. His staff has apparently been told they cannot make an appointment unless it is inconvenient. Either he is really, really busy, or he is out of the office a lot.
More bad news - another @#$!%$$##!!**
As soon as I got to work, Paul called. It was good to hear from him, but there is little I can offer him in the way of advice. The die is pretty much cast now. And I just can't stomach going over and over family discord if there is nothing to come of it.
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