A post in which things are a little better*

I slept most of the night.  I was up for about an hour and a half, but had gone to bed so early it didn't matter.  I was dreaming HARD when the alarm clock went off.  I was doing a photo shoot with some older star (don't remember who), and I kept draping her in different layers of crepe de chine to make her look 'softer', and it kept not working.  There was an older famous guy at the shoot too.  I wasn't draping him with anything.  Who knows what that means?

Today was Gail's last day in the department at work.  She's moving on to bigger and better(paying) things in product management.  The department had lunch for her (at 11:15am, which meant I was starving for the rest of the day), and brought in an enormous cake.  I'm sorry to see her go.  She was so wonderful to me during treatment.  But I"m glad that she's doing well. She's a single mom, and I know she can use the extra money.

I'm still debating about the Dick and Eve thing.  I talked it over with Nancy today.  I know that I see more of my parents than pretty much anyone I know.  It is kind of odd that I put all this effort into a relationship with Dad when we have so many problems, and when that relationship is so stressful.  Meanwhile, I don't see that much of my mom, with whom I get along well and easily.  I don't know what that says about me.  Am I a dutiful son or an idiot?

The other part of this is that I don't know that I have the luxury to take and deal with all this stress any more.  There is definitely a physical toll that this relationship takes on me.  I did finally quit bleeding by the end of the day yesterday, but if that is visible, what is going on that I don't know about?  I really want to move to seeing them bi-weekly instead of weekly.  I'm wondering if I can justify this in my mind.  I'll feel guilty even if I can.  So I guess the decision is which is more toxic - dealing with them every week, or living with the guilt of NOT dealing with them every week?  I suspect I know the answer.  But then I also suspect that I'm just finding justifications for what I want to do anyway.  If I had the energy and stamina to deal with them during treatment, I should have it now, right?

Anthony got in touch again today, so I told him to come on over after work.  After the usual 8,000 text messages, he showed up.  He is a hot, hot guy, and we had a great time.  I feel kind of guilty for seeing him still.  He does live with a lover, and I was trying to stop doing that.  But I just can't resist him.  I've been kind of compensating by taking a more passive role in seeing him.  I don't chase him, but he keeps getting in touch with me. 

In other guy news, I heard from Larry.  He's being so sweet, and it makes me feel kind of bad.  I think he's more into me than I'm into him.  I wonder if that's just one of those things, or if I'm purposely not as attracted to him because he's actually available.  Oy.  A contrary subconscious is a difficult thing to manage. 

After Anthony left, I was left with the dilemma about what to eat for supper.  Since I was out of town last weekend and had eaten lunch out of the freezer this week, there really wasn't anything in the fridge unless I wanted to defrost something, and I really didn't want to go back out in the cold rain - especially since I had turned down a Thursday dinner out with the guys already. 

Then I remembered  - I had pizza rolls in the freezer!! I LOVE pizza rolls.  I know they are frozen dreck,

but I love them, and they are a sometimes food.  So I happily stuck them in the toaster oven, cobbled enough food together out of various odds and ends to fill my tummy enough to sleep through the night, and turned in with an episode of Chopped.