A post in which I feel somewhat relieved

I worried about Dad and Eve all morning this morning.  Ridiculous, but I was on the hamster wheel, and couldn't get off. 

So when I got to work, I had a call from Eve, again telling me that they had been worried (which made me feel like a shit), and that they had the date mixed up.  The (unusually) un-asked question was why I didn't come to the house last night.  I didn't answer it because I was at work, and because I didn't want to get into it, but clearly some explanation was going to be necessary.  I had worked it all out in my head that I could just 'fade away' a bit without comment, but that wasn't going to fly.  I wondered how I had ever thought that it would.

Since I obviously wasn't going to be able to lay this down, I decided to just get my reasoning out there, bite the bullet, and just tell them that I was going to be around less.  It's tough, because I'm backing down from a decision I had made previously - Dad isn't going to be around that long, and I wanted a better relationship with him.  He's the only Dad I have.  In some ways it has been successful.  My relationship with Dad is a lot closer than we have been in years, and we have moved forward.  But like anything good in life, there is a price for that.  The price for me has been a lot of aggravation and upset.  So am I doing what's right for me and asserting myself, or am I just being a wuss and reasoning my way to do the easy thing?  I can't decide.  But the decision (to reverse myself) has been made.  The more I turn it over in my mind, the more comfortable I am with it.  Of course that is the process.  You do what you want, and then your mind justifies it so you feel like a 'good person'.  No one thinks that THEY are the monster. 

But one way or another, what was clearly wrong was to back off with no explanation.  They were clearly confused and concerned, and with them that invariably turns to aggression/anger/resentment.  Since this was all in my head anyway, I decided to write it out.  They were getting an explanation, but getting it on my terms.  That was selfish, but there ya go.  I could get my whole thought out without being interrupted, and without what I wanted to be a civilized conversation degenerating into a shouting match and recriminations, as happens far too often with Dad.

So I wrote the email.  I tried to do it nicely.  I tried to give praise where it was due.  But at the same time, I got out things I feel I've needed to say for years.  At first, I toyed with the 'write a letter but don't send it' therapy thing, but almost immediately discarded it.  That would have still left them in the dark, which I had decided was wrong.  So after composing it and reading it several times, tweaking it some, and changing a few things; I hit send.

I copied Lisa for a heads-up - I figure she might hear from them before I do.  I wanted her to know what's going on and not get blind-sided.  She responded "Wow.  Pretty direct."  Now see I thought that I had pulled back and pulled back from what I wanted to say originally, which was basically "The two of you are making me nuts, and I don't think I can go on seeing you every week without freakin' LOSING IT."   But maybe I have more of my dad in me than I am comfortable admitting.

I sent a copy to Rhonda because she is a saint, and has been my sounding board about that relationship for years.  I also knew she would (once again) be supportive, and she was, bless her.  I love her, and she has been a blessing to me in so many ways.

So that done, I felt as if a HUGE weight had been lifted off me, but at the same time, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  That's apprehensive.  Of course when I have sent them a big email before and never heard back, Eve just told me that she didn't figure I was looking for a response. So in true WASP fashion, it may never be mentioned again.  Of course there is an equal chance that Dad will respond with one of his diatribes.  There's no way to know.  But they have two weeks to cool down, and after a while my Southern Power of Denial will make the wait easier.

So I finished up the day at work, and headed out.

I had to go by Aldi tonight for fruit, and I have adopted a new strategy for getting out of there without spending a fortune.  Just don't get a cart.  That limits me to what I can carry.  I worked beautifully, and I came out with only a few things.  But they did have pizza flavored Pringles tonight, one of my favorite things evah.  For $1.49.  For the '20% more' cannister.  I'm not made of stone.   

The next stop was the dollar store, where I picked up a brush to put in my desk.  I've been meaning to do that for weeks.  I can't decide if I'm going to cut my hair before the beach or not.  Unfortunately, I had to pass the marked down Easter candy on my way to the register.  Apparently I am not even made of hard dirt.  I bought some of that too.  Hey, it was crispy bunnies - who can resist that??

So I got home, and threw away the chip canister and bunny packaging (Hey!  Don't judge me.) and settled in for the evening.  Studiously ignoring my unkempt yard (I keep hoping someone will show up to mow it, and it keeps not happening, but I can ignore it so far because the neighbors on each side have...), I went in and settled in on the sofa.  I RSVP'd for the Hat Party.  I returned some text messages.  I washed one of my coats in preparation for putting it away for the season.  But mostly I just watched TV and waited to see if the phone to ring. It didn't. So the other shoe has not yet dropped.  Fine.