A post in which things get complicated*

I was up early this morning and checked my messages.  I had a message from a guy named Josh, who said that I knew him, but I didn't recognize him from his pictures.  I dropped him a text and got up to start the day.

I felt like poached eggs this morning, so I got out my little egg poacher tray and made some.  I've tried to master free-form poached eggs, but I've never been able to do it.  I was just sitting down to eat my poached egg and veggie bacon sandwich when I had a text back from Josh.  We chatted back and forth, and agreed for him to come visit today.  Although he sent me pics, I couldn't recognize him from them.  Then he wanted to delay per 'tummy problems', etc, and I was like whatever.  I figured he wasn't coming, but gamely agreed to get back in touch with him after I ran an errand. 

I went up to Barnyard flea market to get a jacket for my Mom (there's a seller up there who has some cute ones that I know she would like), but they still don't have any sizes in.  At Christmas.  And I'm thinking this is why you don't have a store.  On my way home I ran through the grocery store, and dropped another text to Josh.  Crickets.  Which was pretty much what I figured.  Then I got home and decided to eat a bit of lunch, but had a text back from Josh, and he said he was coming.  That was a pleasant surprise. 

When he got to the house I recognized him.  He looks very different, and I had last seen him two years ago.  Josh is very sweet, and he looks the best I have ever seen him look.  He's grown a beard, which I approve in general anyway, but which suits him very well indeed.  He's open, he's loving, and he has a crooked smile that could melt granite.  He's instantly addictive.  When I last saw him two years ago, I begged him to stay, but he was living in Nashville at the time, and very happy there.  He's moved back not to be near his mother.  He lost his father and brother last year.  It was a huge blow because he and his father were very close, and he's young for that - 31.  He has a troubled relationship with his mother, and although he moved back to be near her, that is a bumpy road. 

We spent the afternoon getting re-acquainted and catching up.  He's a delightful man, and someone I'm glad to have back in my life.  We're going to see each other again. 

All this reuniting leaves me in a little bit of a dilemma.  I feel very different with Josh than I do with Jason.  Josh engages my whole heart.  There aren't any asterisks there.  But is it just because Josh is easier?  Like my former times with Jason, the times I have spent with Josh have been time-out-of-time, where everyday mundane things don't interfere.  Jason and I have an open arrangement until he moves back.  Neither one of us could see trying to maintain a long-distance relationship for a year while he tried to get things settled up.  But I still feel guilty in a way.  Being with Josh today really made me realize more of the things that are missing in my time with Jason.

To make matters more complicated.  I sent Jason an email earlier in the week, telling him I wanted to talk about his last visit.  I had intended, in part, to apologize for some of the things I had said, and some of the frustration that bled through from other areas.  He had promised to call me today, but crickets.  Again.  He always pleads that he is crazy busy, and that things just pile up.  But that's the problem - he's always crazy busy, and I seem to be at the bottom of his priority list. 

After Josh left, I ate some lunch, had a brief run on the dilemma horns, and then started getting ready for the party tonight.  I was pleasantly surprised to be back in my date jeans - the Lucky jeans I got at the beach in May.  I wore them tonight. 

RBL had invited me to go to Dean and Scott's party with them.  Dean and Scott's party, some years, is more of a social obligation than a pleasure.  We love them, but they have some boring friends that come to their party.  Some years, it seems like they are waiting for us to show up to enliven their wax-works.  When I got to the house, I discussed some of the debate I was having with myself with RBL while we were getting ready to go.  They were both helpful and clear in their opinions.  I haven't made any decisions yet, but I'm leaning. 

The party tonight was actually great fun.  Some of the wax-works weren't there.  There were several people there I really wanted to see, and I enjoyed visiting with them.  Marty was there, and I enjoyed seeing Dean and Scott.  Don was there.  Rich was there from Spartanburg, and it's just always good to see him.  The house, as always, was gorgeous and spotless.  I counted eight Christmas trees and felt like a lazy ho, since I'm not even putting up one this year.  I had a really nice time.