A post in which it is New Year's Eve

Bleah.  I hate New Year's Eve.  It's basically an excuse to have a party, and usually I'm all about any excuse to have a party, but NYE is different.  There's so much pressure to be happy.  There's all this pressure to have a good time.  At the same time there are these maudlin looks back over the prior year, and you're supposed to be sorry to see the year end.  So it's this last desperate hurrah that is at the same time supposed to be gleeful.  For me, it's also another reminder that I've spent another year by myself.  This year, it kind of underscores my fear that being by myself is just the way it's going to be.  I'm afraid that I'm just to ornery and have too much baggage to be in  relationship anymore.  If someone would have me, I don't know that I have the capacity anymore. 

And then there is the kiss.  The kiss at midnight is supposed to set the tone for your love life for the rest of the year.  I try not to be a superstitious person, but that's a big Sword of Damocles to hang over your head if you're a single person.  I've tried ignoring it.  I've tried mocking it (Nicole and I kissed at Midnight one year just to see what would happen the next year).  But that kiss hangs over me every year.     

I have tried staying at home, which always makes me feel pitiful.  I've tried going to parties, which makes me feel less pitiful; but at midnight, when all those couples are kissing, there you are.  I don't have it in me to try to find a date for NYE.  I can't find a date on a regular night, much less on a night with so much baggage.  The best thing, for me, is to be at a quiet gathering of friends.  Russ and Billy usually do a small get-together for just close friends and Kindred members.  There isn't a bunch of pressure, and it isn't a huge foofaraw.  I enjoy seeing folks, just hanging out with people I love and really not thinking a lot about what night it is. 

So I had been following up with RBL about NYE.  Repeatedly.  To crickets.  RBL never make plans any longer.  At least they don't with me.  I don't know if it's the difficulty of getting three people headed in the same direction at once or what, but trying to nail them down for plans these days is like trying to scotch tape a slug to a chunk of Crisco.  Generally these days you find out what they plan to do roughly ten minutes before they walk out the door.  But in the end, I figured they would do something, so I wasn't really worried.  They do a little something every year, and last year when I was in treatment (I actually used the New Year's time off to recover from chemo) they begged me to come, even though I was sick as a dog. 

Then I got a text today from Billy at noon, telling me they had decided to stay in tonight and have 'couple time'.  Really?  On New Year's Eve?  And you're deciding this now??  But then I had another little talk with myself.  True, it wasn't much notice.  But we didn't have plans.  It is not the obligation of my friends to provide me with entertainment, and even if it had been, Russ and Billy have contributed generously through the years.  I have no cause for complaint. 

Then I had the brief debate with myself again.  Would it be more pitiful to stay home by myself, or to try to glom on to someone?  I decided it would be more pitiful to stay home and ring in the new year by myself, and set about trying to cadge a NYE invitation in twelve hours.  I had just seen Miss Kat and Dana last night, so I couldn't foist myself off on them.  I called Rhonda to see if she wanted to come have a sleep-over, but she had already made plans.  On a whim, I dropped a text to Kimbley and Laura.  I figured since they'd had to cancel the other day, they might be amenable to my coming to hang out with them. 

Fortunately that turned out to be the case, and I made plans to go to their house.  They have custody of Laura's two nephews, and Kimbley's three nephews would be there for the night, so they had a house full of boys.  Kimbley was working today, and was working late.  Laura was in depositions today for a lawsuit (I couldn't believe that any attorney was working on NYE, much less working late, but apparently that was the case).  So we were going to do a late supper and watch the ball drop.  I figured since supper would be late, all those boys would be hungry, so I set about making a pot of my jock-approved dip to bring with me.  I know it's jock approved because I served it at a football party I had one time and this straight guy said "Dude, you should open a restaurant and just serve this!"  Good enough.

So I went to the store, go the chips and dip ingredients (cheese is just outrageous), got home, put the dip together, and just set about waiting for the word on when K&L got home.  In the meantime, I set about cleaning out some closet.  Getting rid of old clothes was one of the things that has been on my 'to-do' list for vacation that just hasn't happened.  I have accomplished remarkably little in this time off.  But I set to this evening.  There was a bewildering array of pants in the closet, some of which I hadn't tried on in quite some time.  So I set about trying them on and putting a good many of them in the pile to go to Goodwill.

The call from Laura came about 8pm and I headed over there.

The dip was a big hit with the boys, and I really enjoyed seeing K & L, as I always do.  They are good friends and I love them a lot.  I don't get to see much of them anymore because they are busy raising their family, which I understand.  The boys keep them hopping.  But when we get together it's like we just saw each other yesterday.  We got caught up on each other's lives, watched the ball drop, and toasted in the New Year. 

I was with people I loved, which is all I wanted.  I had a very nice New Year's Eve, made my way carefully home (my friend Bernadette used to say that NYE was the night all the amateur drunks were on the roads), and went to bed, profoundly grateful that it was over, and things could go back to normal now.  Well, as normal as they get for me anyway.