A post in which it is a frustrating evening

I was up from 3:30am until 5am with insomnia - yergh. I chatted with Matthew for a bit of that (he is up all night due to working in healthcare), but I eventually turned back in and slept fitfully, dreaming about how I needed to get some sleep and couldn't.  I woke up feeling like a zombie.  I considered calling in to work, but I have a good long vacation coming up in a couple of weeks, and I've scheduled all my time.  Plus the thoughts of that break are luring me like the faint vision of a distant oasis.  I stumbled to the kitchen, put the kettle on for coffee, had a cigarette with it (bad, wicked, naughty Steve!!), and started the day.  

Work came together today.  I got my short form approved and released, and the other things are remarkably close to being finished.  That's good, but it means that I'm going to have to start working on ISO now.  Yergh.  I'd so rather be doing almost anything else.  Like giving sponge baths to the homeless.  But I digress.

I was supposed to meet the charming Matthew this evening, so I headed straight home after work.  I kind of was about 50% sure he would show.  It seems to be the un-written rule that if you m

eet someone online they aren't 'real'.  The chances of him showing had dropped because he had said he would call me this morning and didn't.  Plus when I sent him my number, he didn't send me his.

I logged onto the chat site, and saw that he was logged on.  I messaged him and he responded about twenty minutes later, asking if I still wanted him to come.  I gamely messaged that yes I did.  Sometimes guys assume that you are using the internet-unreal rule too, whether you are or not.  A few minutes later, he was going to shower and message me when he got out.  I was kind of miffed, because he was in Chesnee, at home, and it was going to eat up a lot of time.  Some gay men have an amazingly elaborate grooming ritual they have to complete before they can leave the house.  I can go from scuzz to societal in a half hour, but I understand that certain plans require a bit more - preparation.  We'll go with that.

I went ahead and ate dinner (frozen organic spinach and feta pizza - and I only ate half of it - doing my best to cut back), realizing that as time passed it became increasingly unlikely that he would show. 

So an hour later, no message.  Now usually at this point, I would just make a small noise of disgust and go about my business.  But he had been so encouraging and flirty last night that I just sent a message going like Hello?  Where are you?  Crickets.     

Again, I know I should have just stopped, but at the ninety minute mark, I just sent a message saying that I wished he would fuck off and die don't understand this game, or why he chose to play it with me, but that it was unkind.  Of course, that guarantees that I'll never hear from him again, but small loss there.  I really, really hate it when guys pull shit like that, and I have no idea why they do it.  I mean, if he didn't want to come, or had changed his mind, why not just fucking say so??  Why string me along all evening?  Guys can be such shits. 

Having had a (un)healthy dose of them, and having not slept for the last two nights, I brushed my teeth, took a pill, and went to bed, glad to be out of it.