A post in which Monday manages to be mostly non-offensive*

Other than it just being a Monday. I woke up feeling bleary and drug-out. But I called in last Monday after the game. I shuffled through the house getting ready.

I was lazy at work today. I did my job, but I didn't do much extra.

A call from Dad

Dad called today, to talk about Aunt Loney's funeral. She died this past week and the funeral was Sunday. He called me and left a message while I was in Charlotte. Aunt Ruby died last week too. Both of them were very old though, and had led full lives. They had both gotten pretty pitiful. Loney went and did what she wanted to do right up until 6 months before she died. She was driving well into her 90's, making the rounds visiting family members. We think she had a stroke. She went from 100% sharp as a tack to complete disorientation overnight. I'm not glad she's dead, but it was a release for her. She was so independent. She hated being taken care of, and would have hated consciousness of it. She thought she was in jail, and couldn't understand why she had been put there.

Dad finished up the conversation by bugging me about church. Again. I have been bearing this with good grace for the last couple of months, but I just basically told him today that my religious life was none of his business, and asked that he leave me alone about it. I guess I'm entitled to that, but I was sharper than I meant to be, and I felt bad about my motives for it. Dad has been born again for the 3rd or 4th time a couple of years ago, when he joined the Catholic Church. I feel I understand his motives for that, and I don't have a problem with how anyone finds their way to their spirituality. But since then, he's been proselytizing to me about going back to church. He's been telling me how it has changed his life, and how much comfort he's found, etc etc. I really am glad for him if he's found that.

But in the same time period, he has disowned my sister Cindy, said horrible things to my brother-in-law, and told me that he hates both of them; and that if being civil to them is the cost of seeing my nephew, then the cost is too high. I can't reconcile such hard-heartedness and lack of forgiveness with the Christianity I believe in. I believe your witness is your life, and I try to be the best person I can be. I try to be forgiving, and to live the example of Christ as much as I can (granted, my sexual mores could be called into question there). But basically, my little voice in the back of my head keeps saying "Let's see a little forgiveness and turning the other cheek if you want to impress me with how much religion has changed you, Mr. Witness." And of course that's totally wrong. It's not my place to judge his spiritual life any more than it is for him to judge mine. It's not my place to decide about his sins. That's between him and God. So though I'm really tired of hearing the "kinder, gentler Daddy" witness to me, when I know the same ole "turn your picture to the wall if you disagree with me Daddy" is still very present in our lives, my motives here feel small. I told him I loved him to take some of the sting (I hope) out of what I had said, and ended the call.

It's unfortunate, but after something that happened between us about 5 years ago, I just came to the realization that my father and I would never be close. We just have nothing in common, and he'll never stop trying to mold me into the person he thinks I should be, rather than loving or accepting the person I am. He has embraced and nurtured his own toxicity to the point that I have to limit his presence in my life to be happy and whole. I'm not patterning myself after him. I love him because he's my father, the only one I get. I honor him because he is my father, and that is what I am told to do in the Bible. But I'm not about to follow in his spiritual footsteps. They say in the Bible that God loves us like a father. I hope God is more accepting of the person I am. I hope God is more understanding of the choices I have made than my earthly father.

And now for an abrupt change of subject.

I had a call from my friend Steve from TN. He was in town, so I scampered by to see him after work and got a bit of a surprise. But it was fun. He's having all kind of angst and drama over a man he's involved with and a mutual friend, so I Yoda'd him a bit.

After that, I was supposed to go home and cook, but I was just too lazy. I went by the grocery store and got some hummus and a salad I could take to work tomorrow with a peanut butter sandwich. I managed to not go to the Ni Hao Buffet, the new one where I ate last night, although I would have really loved to go. But after spending so much on glass last weekend, I really don't need to spend the money. Not to mention not needing the extra calories. I skipped the gym to go see Steve tonight.

I noticed tonight when I got off work that traffic was exceptionally light, as it has been the last couple of nights. I wonder if there have been lay-offs around where I work? Or if it has just been coincidence? I know better than to think that the SCDOT (insert hiss here) has actually made any productive changes like timing the traffic lights better. If it is lay-offs, it's pretty chilling what an impact this downturn has had on a thriving area. And Greenville hadn't been as hard-hit as some areas.

Shaking off the willies, I went home and had whole-wheat pita with hummus, grape tomatoes, raw pecans, and raisins for dessert. I felt most virtuous. Diet-wise, anyway. Based on what I ate today, anyway. I just didn't think about that wheel-barrow load of Chinese buffet I ate yesterday.