A post in which it is Bear Night

But there were other things to do first.

It was a drippy, yucky day. I didn't want to go out to do anything. So I didn't.

Well not until it was time to go to Miss Ruby's birthday drop-in for cake and punch.

A picture from Miss Ruby's birthday drop-in

I was very surprised to see her when I walked in. She has lost SO much weight. Donnie sees her more often, so I guess it isn't as obvious to him. Mostly their family was there, but some of Donnie's friends came, and of course Mark was there. She had presents and candy, and seemed to be having a pretty good day. She knew why we were there, and knew it wasn't her birthday (which is on the 29th), but couldn't quite explain when her birthday was. She greeted me politely, but I'm sure she had no idea who I was. I swapped a bit of gossip and talked for a while, then helped clean up a bit.

After that it was off to the Bear Dinner. We were having it early because Russ and Billy were having a game night at their house afterwards. We went to El Matador, since I was the host and I got to choose. We had to wait a bit for the table, but we had about 10 RSVPs and 16 people showed up. They were really nice about it, and treated us like royalty, as they always do. I was really surprised at some of the things the guys ordered. Scotch at a Mexican restaurant! And then snarky remarks about the quality of said scotch, after they had it. I mean really. And Amaretto Sours! Anyway, after the food and foofoo drinks were consumed, it was back to the house.

I didn't really feel like playing games. For one thing, I had played games last night. For another, I felt that I had been kind of "roped in" today, what with staying home, and going to the nursing home for a second weekend in a row. I was ready to cut loose a bit. Plus there were these two really cool new guys that came tonight. Both gorgeous, and a couple of course, but really nice all the same (you know I instinctively distrust the Beautiful Once). I really liked both of them, and enjoyed talking to them. Plus Vince and Brian were there. I really like Brian, but don't have much of a chance to talk to him. He scooched over next to me for a bit when a bunch of the guys went out to smoke. It was rainy and drippy, and I just didn't want a cigarette that bad. Plus I had smoked out Friday night, I thought. I cornered him for a while out in the garage tonight too between games and talked to him some. I should have invited him to go see Renee Flemming with me (although of course I had a great time with Todd). I don't know why I didn't think of it.

Rodney was there too, and looking good. He ate beside me, and complimented me on my many muscled arms. That was some encouragement I could really use.

Billy had bought spinach puffs for some of the food tonight, because he knew I liked them so much, but got caught up in a game and burned them. Really badly. I tried to eat one (I had the munchies pretty badly), but they were pretty much un-eatable.

But the party was great, and they seemed to have fun playing the games, and I made a couple of new friends, and it was just a good time all around.

A post in which I stay out far, far too late

But I had a great time!

Work went pretty well today. We had free lunch again. It was Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches, but Anna hooked me up with a veggie option and I had some pasta. I had that thing happen again when I went up to the counter. They were changing out the meat tray in the lunch line, and when they started stirring it around, it just smelled absolutely vile. Of course I didn't say anything. I'm hoping this isn't going to turn into a thing. I wouldn't mention it here, but this is so totally new for me.

After work, I had things all planned out. I brought clothes and towels and stuff so I could work out, shower in the locker room, and meet Kimbley, Laura, and Anna for dinner at Sushi-Masa. That worked out great. I had forgotten cigarettes, so I stopped and got a pack of Camel Crushes. They don't even come in a light version. The first one about took the top of my head off, since I usually smoke Marlboro Ultra-lights. Prolly not a good idea to escalate. Usually I only smoke Crushes at Russ's after we've been hanging out for a while. Still, the first thing I usually want after a workout is a cigarette, for some perverse reason. I needed to have a pack anyway, since I always smoke around K&L, and Anna usually bums off me (not that I mind, I am a shameless cigarette bum myself).

I had long-standing plans with Anna for tonight, but I had forgotten that the bear dinner was tomorrow night, and had made plans with Kimbley and Laura for then. I kind of had to be at the bear dinner since I am the host this month. Fortunately, I was able to move K&L to Friday night, and include Anna for game night, so everyone was happy. The food at Masa was fabulous, as always, and I was able to introduce K&L to it since they had never been there. Anna had been there with me before, so she was all ready for it. They also had monk fish liver tonight, which is not only delectable, but a delicacy that is rather hard to find around here. Masa is the only place in town I know of that serves it. K&L didn't seem to care for it, but Anna is even more enthusiastic about it than I am. We ate two of them. My sister Angela introduced me to it when I was on the West Coast visiting her. I have loved it ever since.

A very blurry picture of Kimbley, Laura, and Anna at our table at Sushi-Masa. Yummmmm

After dinner, we headed for K&L's house for games. On the way though, we stopped for ice and had the nicest, most entertaining convenience store clerk I think I have ever talked to. I always make a point of being as pleasant as possible to them, since I have done that work and it is a thankless job. Anna, however, goes beyond pleasant. She just has this way of interacting with people as if she just expects them to already be her friend, and they respond in kind. It's a gift she has no idea she has, it just comes naturally to her. We left with ice, cigarettes (Anna is hard core - she was asking for Lucky Strikes! I'm like "What is this, the 20's??" They didn't have any, so she changed the request to "anything unfiltered", but had to settle for Marlboro Reds), and a Barak Obama fake Zippo lighter that Anna decided she just couldn't live without - despite having been an big Hillary supporter during the election.

The game tonight was Scrabble. I'm not a huge Scrabble player, but K&L have apparently become ardent devotees, and that was what they had invited me to play originally. I like playing games you can talk over, and Scrabble is a game where you're spending a lot of time thinking, so it isn't conducive to conversation. But we took breaks and went outside to smoke, and had cocktails, and pretty much anything I do with K&L is fun.

After Scrabble, we played a couple of rounds of Taboo, my most favorite game in the world. K&L beat Anna and I, but it was still fun. It was late in the evening, so some of the answers were pretty hilarious.

I got to bed about 3:30am! Sheesh, I'm gonna be dead tomorrow.

A post in which I bring order at work

I caught up today, which was nice.

It didn't start out as a very good day though. My boss was very upset because I had done the reserve wrong, even though I'd had no training on it, and had asked him to sit down and go through it with me. And I was the one that pointed out the error. I knew it didn't look right, and pointed out my concerns when I dropped everything to do it and send it to him yesterday. But he didn't look at it until an hour before it was due today. He was pretty PC about it, but he used a swear word - which Alan NEVER does. So I knew he was upset. But he didn't yell at me about it. Being a recovering Baptist, I am self guilt-inflicting, so I just went back to my desk and felt like crap for an hour or so.

By lunchtime though, I had pretty much put it behind me. I had done my best, and that was all I could do. Alan came back out of his office and talked to me about it later, and kind of apologized. He also asked me about my work load, since I am having a severe client dump going on right now. 38 accounts so far this month - $2.1million. Probably my biggest month ever since I've been here. Kinda scary. But I'm on top of it right now. So many of them there is just nothing I can do.

One of my reps was in town from Atlanta, and he took me to lunch. Poor old Steve. I like him well enough, but he is just kind of annoying. It's hard to talk to him because he's hard of hearing, and he just can't seem to land the plane when he's telling a story. He really put his foot in it today though. I usually let him off easy and we go to Romano's Macaroni Grill, but today I really wanted Indian, and I made him take me to the lunch buffet at Saffron. I adore their food. He is not a very adventuresome eater, so he was not thrilled, but he did OK. Or said he did anyway.

To multiply the unpleasantness of his lunch, he asked me questions about my family today. Since I had good curry, I was merciful, and didn't dump that load of all that's going on with them on him. I gave him a couple of pretty expurgated versions of current events, and let him off the hook. Between his poor hearing, and his trying to talk to me with his mouth full, which was hard for me to understand, plus the fact that I was trying to inhale New Delhi, there wasn't tons of conversation at lunch. He is a nice enough guy though. He does try to help me with stuff. And hey, he was paying for lunch right?

The afternoon when fairly smoothly.

After work, I had to skip the workout to go get my hair cut. It was good to see Russ. We've both been running around so much lately that we haven't seen much of each other. Plus Billy has been travelling a lot, and has been sick. But he hasn't been able to take any time off to recover. I talked to him tonight and he sounded terrible. So they weren't going out to dinner, which was really fine. I needed to go home and eat at the house anyway. I'm out the next two nights, and I'll see them at the bear dinner/game night this Saturday anyway.

Did a little laundry, talked on Bear411 for a minute, and went on to bed. It's a school night.

A post in which my desk explodes

Work was incredibly nuts today. You always have to pay for time off eventually.

We had free lunch today, but was barbecue. Ordinarily that means a plate of cole slaw and baked beans for yours truly, but Anna told me today that the beans had rashers of bacon in them though. Pleasantly, though, they had made some veggie pasta as an alternative, which was nice. So I had their pasta, which made a change from my pasta that I have been eating for lunch. But hey, a free lunch is a free lunch. I had cookies too, but they were oatmeal, so they don't count right? Usually when I smell barbecue it makes me hungry, but they had a plain tray of pulled pork on the line today, to which you could add what sauce you wanted. I have to say it didn't smell good to me at all. I very seldom notice that meat smells bad, as other vegetarians say they do, but the smell of this pork didn't make me want any in the least.

Afterwards, though, I went and worked out. For the first time in 4 days. And burned 300 calories. So only 5 more workouts to go to burn off the brownies from Tuesday - woo hoo. Well, assuming that I don't eat the rest of them, which of course I will. 450 calories each. I'm trying not to think of it that way. And it's better to eat the brownies and exercise than to eat the brownies and NOT exercise right? Plus my exercising pulse rate has dropped 15 beats per minute, which is good. Plus I think that may be one reason I was so down the last two days. The only substance I have ever been really addicted to is endorphins. Once I start exercising, if I stop for too long I feel like crap on a cracker. So note to self - a four day break is too long.

After the workout I went home and had homemade mai fun for dinner, did a bit of laundry, and watched a really strange program on telly about cattle mutilations on a show I am increasingly dis-enchanted with called Monster Quest. Bigfoot and stuff like that is intriguing to me (has been since I was a kid - I like the idea of maybe, but I think most likely not now), but I don't need scary big animated monster eyes and electronic growls flashed all over the screen to keep me interested. I find it annoying and tabloid-esque frankly. But at least they got rid of the guy I privately referred to as the "nutty professor", this bearded host guy who seemed to exist mainly to make huge googly eyes of alarm at the screen every time he made even the most innocuous comment. That was when I quit watching last season. It seems he has been replaced by the aforementioned large animated eye with growl. Hm. Too bad for him he couldn't growl I guess. And an animated clip is cheaper.

That's pretty much the way all TV shows are going now, and I guess they have for some time, I just notice it more now. It really seems to be a race to the bottom. Reality TV has just increased the pace. Every year when the Puppy Bowl comes on opposite the Super Bowl, I always think about that horrible show Dinosaurs that was on a while back. In one episode, the father dinosaur is made a television executive, and puts on a show called "Box Full O' Puppies". The show was very popular, but it was so stupid that the average intelligence of the population was going down. To avert disaster, the show was taken off the air. I was very surprised several years later to see life imitating art so exactly. But the Puppy Bowl is still on the air. And at least one person I think of as pretty intelligent watches it every year. Scary monsters.

Anyway, I kind of watched Monster Quest with half an eye while I got ready for bed and did laundry. Then I turned in.

A day in which I continue destructive behaviors

Well I woke up today feeling really lackluster, and kind of down.

Small wonder after Sunday really. I had a good time at the party, but after seeing my grandparents in such bad shape, I was just having one of those "Why bother?" type of days. The kind where you wonder what the hell difference any of your life makes, and wonder why you keep trying. We all end up at the same place.

Well nothing a pan of brownies can't fix, right? I ate 1,800 calories worth of brownies today. I checked on the box later.

But after that, I decided to do some stuff, since I hadn't done anything yesterday.

I changed the sheets on the bed and put some laundry in.

I turned on The Emperor's New Groove (I love this movie, and keep asking for it for Christmas and my birthday, but no one has taken the hint yet - I love anything with Eartha Kitt in it - especially when she is kind of lampooning herself - what's not to like?) on Disney Channel, and did a bit of cooking. I made some mai fun noodles and mixed them with some of the gargantuan batch of Chinese veggies I had thawed out from the other week. Those noodles (actually rice vermicelli) not only have great texture, but were translated into English in the Vietnamese restaurant as "tiny rice stick", which just made me fall in love with them. But rice noodles burn up like sugar. I needed to get them out of the cabinet.

Oh, and I also just LOVE the part in Emperor at the end where they're making Eartha Kitt learn to speak squirrel (it's at the very end of the clip that link takes you to). For some reason I find that endlessly hilarious. That movie just always cheers me up.

I cleaned up the kitchen, pulled out the last load of laundry, and turned in with ecstatic kitties.

A post in which I pretty much waste a day off*

I woke up lazy this morning, which wasn't a huge surprise. I had run all over the place this weekend, and had that party last night. I had planned for that and taken the day off work.

I kind of lazed around, made brekkie, and watched a bit of telly.

I heard from a buddy, who wanted to come over and see me today. He was supposed to be here at 1:30, so I kind of got ready. I wasn't going to start cleaning house or something and then have to stop to get ready. He couldn't get away when he thought though, and was two hours late. By the time we visited for a bit, the day was pretty much over.

I like this guy. It started out as a physical thing, but I have started liking him as more. He lives with a lover. Their relationship is pretty much over, but he isn't free to leave financially. It's not to the point that I'm in pain, but I kind of can see it on the horizon. I don't know if I should continue this or not. It's not like we can really date or anything, but he's the only guy I have met that I'd really like to go out with. I'm torn here.

And yes, I know the answer is clear. But that really doesn't seem to matter at the mo. I pretty much know I'm being an idiot. It's the oldest story in the world.

A post in which it is a very long Sunday

Since I turned in earlier last night, I was up earlier, but was actually able to go back to sleep for a bit. That just never happens. I usually sleep better at Granny's for some reason though.

We all got up and had breakfast. Mom cooked, which she didn't really feel like doing, but Granny is just wasting away (despite having help to fix them dinner every night), and they both like a big breakfast. I told Mom I would help, but then she just went in there and started doing stuff while I thought she was making coffee. I cleaned up the kitchen as much as I could in atonement, but Poppy likes to do that. He has always been able to do whatever he wanted up until his eyes went, so anything he can do now he wants to do. I duelled him in the kitchen for a while, but he finally ran me out.

I had gotten all ready to go earlier while Granny was sleeping in - if you come downstairs it wakes her up (she is a notoriously light sleeper). By the time we got through with breakfast it was 11:30. I needed to go see Grandma Shumate, but I figured they were serving lunch at the home about that time. They usually feed them early. I chatted for a bit, and got over to the home around 12:30 - just in time to find Grandma in the lunch room.

It was worth it just to walk in. Her little face lit up like a child at Christmas. It's so hard to see her now, because I know she's living her nightmare. She never wanted to live long enough to go into the home. And she just has to be there. She can't walk at all. Her hands are so twisted with arthritis at this point that they are almost un-usable. Her right side is almost completely useless after her stroke. But she's in a nice place, and she's being well cared-for. The residents are all addressed by name, not by "sweety" and stuff like that. She has her hair done once a week at the little salon there, and generally looked well-kept. Grandma has a roommate, which I know is hard on her. She has always been a sociable person, active in church and things, but like me the other side of that coin is that she re-charges during her private time. She has no privacy now.

I watched her eat, and kind of reflected on the way our roles had changed. I hoped that I wouldn't distract her from eating a good lunch, and watched as she ate chicken fingers and ketchup. Also, I found myself in one of those gooberific moments that just seem to happen to me. Another resident from the home pulled up on her Scamp on my other side, and she and my grandmother had a conversation of sorts about me. "This is my grandson," Grandma said. "Isn't he handsome?" "What?" the other woman replied, apparently hard of hearing as well. "THIS IS MY GRANDSON." Grandma said "ISN'T HE HANDSOME??" "WHAT?" the other woman said again. Ordinarily I would translate and yell, but it felt weird to be sitting there going "AREN'T I HANDSOME?" at the top of my lungs. So I just sat there as this went back and forth several times. It and got really embarrassing, since all the aides were in the lunch room serving other residents. Fortunately, the other woman eventually lost interest in what Grandma had been saying, and started showing me her jewelery. I don't think Grandma liked the distraction - the other woman was telling me about Grandma winning the title (see below), and kind of stealing her thunder, plus, Grandma kind of wanted me to herself. She eventually told the other woman she thought she had talked to me enough, finished her lunch, and had me wheel her back to her room.

She seems to be adjusting. She has friends there, and was made the Valentine's Queen of the home this month. She won a crown and a sash and all. I was surprised that she mentioned it, and had her picture made and such. Grandma has never been one to put herself forward, or want to stand out. But she told me that she got 90% of the votes for queen, and said "It meant a lot to me that they thought so much of me." That's more like the Grandma I know.

We visited, and talked about family, and how people were doing. We talked about Loney's funeral. Grandma has a really hard time hearing, so I just pulled her wheel chair over to me and talked into her ear. She just looked so frail and fragile that it broke my heart. I brought in my pictures, and she told me the poses were all so good that she couldn't make up her mind. I left her all four. I fixed the bulletin board by her bed and put one up. I fixed the electronic picture frame my Dad got her for Christmas and got it showing the pictures again. It looked as if it has been knocked off in the floor a few times, and of course she can't get it to work. She was suffering from a bad cold, and started coughing from talking so much. It was easier for me to listen since she can't hear that well.

Eventually, I had shared all I could, and done the few things for her that I could. He little face just fell when I told her I had to go, but she didn't cry or give me a guilt trip (she has done that some in the past). Today, she talked as if she won't see me again. That was the hardest, because of course she may not. She told me that I had always been her favorite, which of course I pretty much knew, but was surprised to hear her say it. She told me that I could never understand how much she loves me - "as much as the whole world". She told me she had done a lot of thinking lately about the summer I spent with her when I was younger. She looked at me, and smiled, and said "We were just children together, weren't we?" That was when I almost started crying. When I was there, she was in her early 50's. It must seem to her now like she was a child then. And of course I played with her just like another child. I'm really glad I had that special time with her now. I gave her a hug and I kiss, told her how much I love her, and left.

By the time I got back to the house, it was time to leave. Mom and I headed out and stopped for lunch in Statesville, where K&W was open today. We got lunch and had a good long talk. Mom asked me for some advice about her relationship with Rod. Although I told her she may want to consult someone with a better track record, I did talk to her about the situation. Rod is much more attentive than Mom is used to men being, but part of that is that Rod has only been a widower for two years and was married for 38. He's leaning on her a bit.

By the time I got close to Greenville, I was getting calls from Anna and from Marty. I had told Anna that I would be her fall-back ride to the Academy Awards Party tonight at Rick and James's house, and they were tying to find out my ETA. I got home, threw stuff out of bags, sprang through the shower, and headed off to pick Anna up.

Marty was glad to see her, and it was good to see everyone there. Kimbley and Laura, Donnie and Mark, Rick and James, JB, Amy, Matt; all the fun folks were in attendance. We got there just as the annual movie Jeopardy tournament was ending. I didn't join in the Oscar pool as I usually do because I never win stuff like that.

It was a nice party, and I had a good time, but Anna got kind of tore down. She gets nervous about party/group situations, and kind of over-does it to make up for that. I ended up kind of having to see to her. But I got her to the car and she was better after that. We stopped because she told me she wasn't ready to go home yet, and just had a smoke and talked. It was nice. Anna is able to relax around me and be herself, which is good. I took her on home and went gratefully to my own bed.

It's good to be home.

A post in which Aunt Ruby is laid to rest

The funeral was this morning at 11am. Since I had knocked myself out with sleeping pills last night, I slept until about 9. When I got up, Mom was having some coffee and we were waiting on my Aunt Donna to get there. Aunt Donna is kind of like my sister Lisa. She is late everywhere. Surprisingly though, she showed up at 9:30 on the dot - just when Mom told her to be there. She came in with a whole other outfit, just in case Mom or Granny thought she should change. She and my mom hadn't seen that side of the family in years, and it was important that she look her best. She brought brownies, in case people dropped by afterwards, and Mother had brought a pound cake.

After we packed them off to the funeral, ran out to get some breakfast, then came back to the house to get cleaned up in case anyone came by.

Mom and Donna got back shortly after I was ready. They came in with all the news. We found out who had gotten fat, who had hellions for kids, etc. Donna doesn't eat breakfast, so she was ready for lunch. We went and got some sandwiches, and continued the post-mortem (of the funeral) over lunch and brownies.

After lunch, my grandmother's sister Kathleen and her husband Pete came by. She brought the rest of the news on the family, since she was more familiar with who was whom. By the time they left, it was time for Donna to go on home. She lives in Winston-Salem, and had just come up for the day.

Kathleen and Pete had been there for a while. I usually enjoy listening to Granny and Kathleen talk, because I pick up family stories I haven't heard before when they're talking. Today was no exception. The eulogies were discussed in great detail. Particularly two parts. One part was about Aunt Ruby making green beans in the pressure cooker. From what I can gather, that was not the success that it was painted at the funeral. Apparently Aunt Ruby had had a notable mishap with a pressure cooker at some point that was so monumental in family legend that they did not even tell the story. I had never heard it, but I have learned to be quiet and listen. They all thought it was sad that the family's recollections of Ruby seemed to be mainly about things she cooked for them.

The second great item of discussion in the Eulogy her son gave was about the sharing of the buttons. My grandmother grew up during the Great Depression, and there were eight children, so things were sometimes tight. Aunt Ruby had told her children about being so poor they had to share the buttons off of their dresses at times, or would switch out the buttons for a change of pace. The real story was a bit less rosy. One of Granny's sisters had a new dress that Mama Sabastian (my great-grandmother) had made for her. It was all completed, except for the buttons. She was going somewhere one night and wanted to wear the dress, but it couldn't be finished until they made a trip to town to buy the buttons. The sister asked Ruby if she could cut the buttons off of one of her dresses and put them on the new dress so she could wear it that night. She offered to sew the buttons back onto Aunt Ruby's dress afterwards, but Aunt Ruby refused. The sister appealed the decision to Mama Sabastian, who forced Ruby to let her sister use the buttons. Not quite as harmonious and heart-warming as the eulogy, but time does tend to dim things, particularly when they're things that don't reflect so well on yourself. And particularly if you're telling the story. It may well have been just a trick of memory.

Apparently Ruby's children rode by to look at her house (which is right next door to Granny and Poppy's house). They didn't come in. This suited Granny just fine. She was having a bad day pain-wise and didn't feel up to company, although she got cleaned up and dressed suitably just in case. But Mother and Donna seemed to think this was rude. I guess in a way it was, since they'll probably never seen Granny and Poppy again (Ruby's family lives in Florida, and burying Ruby here was the last tie to the mountains). But it seems pretty practical to me. They didn't feel like coming, Granny didn't feel like seeing them; no harm no foul. How many excruciations do we put up with for the sake of propriety? I'm all for one less, myself.

Well after all these ruminations and after Donna left, it was about supper time. After debate, we ordered out from the local seafood place. It was pretty good, but my fries were once again quite sub-par, continuing the bad run of fries I've had lately.

We watched the news to see what the weather was going to be like, and visited and talked.

By the time the weather was over, Mom and Poppy were both dozing in their chairs. We turned on in, to the disappointment of Granny. She can't get to sleep before Midnight, and will wake up if you move around in the morning. I'll have to be careful.

A post in which I head for the hills - literally

I had everything pretty much ready to load the car this morning, so everything went pretty smoothly, and I got to work on time.

I cleared my desk, getting completely caught up on everything. I even put the write-offs in my boss's office so they would be waiting for him on Monday, since I'll be off. He won't look at them, but they'll be there.

I called Mom and negotiated out time to do my workout tonight. That makes 5 days this week, and I feel pretty good about that. I haven't lost an ounce, and I'm sure I'll wreck any hopes of that this weekend (I always eat a lot of crap when I'm up there), but at least I'm getting some exercise.

My workout went well, and I showered up and changed in the locker room there so I could head on out. It isn't really that traumatic now. I'm fat, I know it, I'm moving on.

Because Mom knew she had extra time, we hit Statesville just about at the same time and stopped for dinner. Since K&W doesn't serve that late (it was about 8:30), we had dinner at Red Lobster - Mom's choice. I only had one cheese biscuit, and a Caesar salad with grilled shrimp. I know Caesar isn't exactly dietary, but hey, I was eating salad.

We got to Granny and Poppy's about 10:30. They were still up, since they're usually up late. I get my insomnia from Granny, who suffers with it worse now that the rheumatoid arthritis causes her so much pain. We spent the evening the way we usually do, catching up, telling stories, and talking. My grandfather kind of follows what he can. He doesn't hear so well. Granny, on the other hand, can hear a fly with a wheeze outside of her window, which will keep her up.

We finally called it quits about 1am. That's about usual for a yak session with Granny.

A post in which I am finally bad*

I did sleep well last night, courtesy of drugs. I figured I ought to get one good night in this week before I started driving. Driving makes me sleepy. Usually I smoke to keep from going to sleep behind the wheel, but I have to be careful about that with my Mom, because she'll fuss if I smell like smoke. I noticed that the painPM meds I have been taking have acetaminophen in them, and I've decided to stop taking that. I read something lately that said acetaminophen has been linked to a lot of kidney failure - now more than even is caused by diabetes. So I'm going to have to stop taking the painPM stuff, but I can still take plain ole sleeping pills.

Work was smooth and mostly quiet.

After work I went upstairs and hit the walker. Today I brought my iPod with me. That made a HUGE difference. I think I also finally hit that place where your body starts to get accustomed to moving again and it's not such a life-or-death struggle to get through a simple workout. Whatever the cause, or combination of causes, I felt GREAT today and just felt like I was flying during my workout. I found it tremendously empowering. Today was the first day I felt like I could have maybe gone on for a while longer if I wanted to. I'm burning about 250 calories during a 20-minute elliptical walk. I'm thinking maybe next week I may try upping it to 25 on days that I don't do weights and see how that goes. Lord knows I could use the extra exercise. It's been almost three weeks now, and I have weighed a couple of times, hopefully, but I haven't shifted an ounce. But I feel thinner, which is weird. Maybe the fat is moving around. Or maybe I'm just standing up straighter or something. Anyway, I told myself when I started this, it was about keeping my heart healthy, and not so much about trying to lose weight. I had to do something.

They had the TV tuned to the Food Network today while I was working out, watching Paula Deen. OK, I really can't stand her - she is like an Uncle Tom to her Southern roots, serving up shrink-wrapped corn pone for an almighty dollar to Yankees who don't know any better - but without sound it wasn't so bad. I reflected on the irony that were it not for socially programmed high-fat diets (which of course she both epitomizes and celebrates), many of us wouldn't need the work out room in the office in the first place.

I got home and started doing wash. I had one more load I wanted to do before I left town. I also packed up my suit. Aunt Ruby's funeral is this weekend. I'm taking the suit even though I haven't really planned on going to the funeral. Mom says Granny isn't going. She has given various reasons, but we both think the real reason is that she won't be seen there in a wheelchair. She just refuses to give in, but she can't walk. She has rheumatoid arthritis in her hips, and can only walk about 6-10 steps at a time; but when we went shopping the last time and took her in the chair, she was careful to tell the salesman that she could walk just fine. She told him the rest of us just didn't want to wait for her because she was slow. He was the soul of commiseration, good salesman that he was.

Anyway, should she change her mind and want to go (Ruby was one of the last of her sisters), I don't want to be an impediment. I'll be prepared. Frankly though, Aunt Ruby, despite her great pound cake recipe, was actually a great-aunt to me, and we have never been close. There are just things I'd rather do than go to a funeral when I get a chance to see Granny and Poppy. If they aren't going, I'll stay home with them. Mom and her sister Donna are going. It will be good to see Aunt Donna, it has been a while.

During this packing and stuff, I set up a buddy visit online. I threw a salad down my gullet for dinner while I waited for him to show up.

Afterwards, I was pretty wiped, but glad I had the energy for extra-curricular activities even after doing the walker today. I finished packing the rest of my things, and planning what I was going to wear. I found the new weekender I bought but haven't used, and packed in it. While I was doing it I watched the end of Pygmalion on TCM. It was interesting to see the original, since I had only ever seen My Fair Lady. I kept waiting for the songs. Leslie Howard was good as Henry Higgins. It was interesting to see how similar Rex Harrison's performance was in the same role. Wendy Hiller seemed a bit too high brow to me, but then I hadn't seen her pre-transformation.

By the time I got through packing, I was ready for bed. I climbed in, was covered in cats, and tried to get some rest. Tomorrow is a long day.

A post in which I am good yet again, but not for lack of trying

I woke up sleepy today, and was sleepy all day. Jinx has decided her new thing is that she wants to sleep right beside my feet. Having ten pounds of cat down there binds my feet all up in the covers and wakes me up. It's making me a bit nuts.

Work was work. I was really trying to set up a hook-up today, but that didn't happen. It's been about two weeks since I have known the Company Of A Man, which is about the time I start getting anxious. I know that won't impress the women, who can apparently put their libido on ice for years at a time if need be, but I'm not wired quite that way. I made do with the pumpinjacks thumbblogger.

I had been so tired today, to the point of thinking I would nod off at my desk. The last thing I wanted to do was work out after work. But today was treadmill and weight work day. Plus I started thinking about eating that candy last night. And the fact that the other half of it was at the house. Another 340 extra calories. So I went to work out.

There are only a few people here who know how the cable works in the gym, so we usually watch what they want to see. I haven't even been able to figure out how to change the channel when I was in there by myself. Today no one could even figure out how to get the TV to come on. Eventually they turned on the radio. It seems kind of ridiculous to want to watch TV all the time, but it also seems like a waste to me that they are paying for a system that no one can even work.

Because of the lack of TV, I decided to use a different walker tonight; one that faces the back parking lot. I figured I could at least watch people leave. The problem with that is as it got darker, I could see my reflection in the window. That was distracting. But I was also able to watch the couple of young'uns come in to work out. The girls always hit the treadmill, and the boys hit the weights - in between talking to the girls. I watch their poor technique (I have had training on lifting weights - years ago) but know that I would have zero credibility with my Body by Pillsbury, so I just let them spin their wheels. I am pretty much a non-entity in the gym when it's just young'uns. It's amusing, in a way, the way they seem to just treat me as a non-person, being out of their generation and BMI. They're touchingly self-confident, having never known anything but youth and beauty, and seeming to feel that is the way it will always be. I don't begrudge that. They'll find out soon enough. Let them feel invincible while they can. I don't see being in the gym as a social occasion. I'm there to exercise and leave.

I have also decided that three days in a row is just too many to wear workout clothes. I was a bit whiffy today (not so much sweat as the lingering of Italian cooking the clothes picked up in the house last night). But I got through it, and felt the better for having done so.

I got home and did the few things I decided had to be done tonight. I put in a load of laundry and made my salad, after which I ate the rest of the Reese's heart (yeah, I know). It had been yucky all day, but I lucked out and hit a time to take out the trash when it wasn't raining. There was jack-nothing on TV tonight. I watched the end of Witness for the Prosecution on TCM while I ate dinner and then turned it off.

There wasn't much happening online. I was so tired, I just decided to knock myself out and go on to bed. By this time it was raining again, and I just wanted to listen to it, so I read instead of putting in a movie tonight. There was a pretty good storm going on - Crooner got down off the bed and went under it. I read about David Copperfield being born and listened to it rain. But not for too long...

A post in which I am a Good Boy again - well mostly

The sleepiness I was expecting yesterday hit me on the way to work today. Despite my lack of sleep last weekend, I'm not sleeping well this week. I was sleepy all day today. But I got my stuff done. Work was work. My boss is leaving tonight for Canada again, and will be gone for the rest of the week. Should be fairly quiet.

I hit the gym after work, then came home to cook. I made a vegetable red sauce and mixed it with Barilla Plus penne pasta, since that is what I had in the house. I just cleaned out the fridge in addition to the veggies I bought last night. My sauce had onions, bell peppers, mushrooms, spinach, fresh garlic, celery and carrots. I remembered to get tomato paste from the store last night, but didn't know I needed sauce as well. I usually use jarred sauce and doctor it up, but I was short a jar of sauce. I ended up going to CVS, since I needed to pick up some prescriptions anyway, and just grabbed a jar of Prego while I was there. I did read the label, and apparently they aren't using HFCS in the sauce any more, which is good. Their sauce is still too sweet though, and my red sauce turned out too sweet because of it.

My red sauce just isn't as good as it used to be, and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. It used to be really good and zingy, but now it's kind of flat. Adding the tomato paste back (instead of reducing the sauce to thicken it) helped, but now I'm suspecting the red wine I'm cooking with is wrong. Maybe I'll try leaving it out next time and see how it turns out.

Anyway, I got my pasta all cooked, dressed, and packaged for lunches, so I have lunches for the rest of the week, and I can freeze a couple for next week, which will save me time.

I had salad and rice cakes for dinner again. I added some raw pecans to the salad, which made it yummy. I ate half of my Reese's heart from Mom tonight. Fortunately, it was only 5oz - I thought it was much bigger. Still, that's a lot of calories, but since I'm working out and divided it, it's not as bad as it would be otherwise. And it sure does taste good.

I washed and folded my old sheets tonight. I'll do two more loads of laundry this week, which should catch me up there, and help with my packing Thursday night. The older I get, the more planning it seems to take to close the house and get me somewhere.

Sorry folks, I'm kinda boring this week.

A post in which I am a Very Good Boy

This morning was hard. I got up and made some coffee. I was pleasantly surprised though, because once I got up and started moving around I actually felt pretty good. I wasn't sleepy at work today. I did all my callbacks and breezed through a meeting with my boss, having thoroughly prepared for it last week.

I hit the gym after work, did another 20 minutes on the walker, plus weight work.

I went by the library and returned an overdue DVD.

I finished my taxes and took the state ones to the post office to mail them. I did the Federal online last weekend, but I refuse to do state online because they charge for it. I won't pay them for the privilege of doing something that saves them money. When it's free, I'll make their lives easier. Til then, I'll do it the free way. I printed out my Fed return and filed all the tax stuff away.

I went to the grocery store and got stuff to cook for lunches this week.

I actually did sit down for a bit when I ate dinner. The cats were thrilled. I had a salad and some of those great Quakes rice cakes. I found a new salad dressing from Bolthouse Farms. It's a yogurt-based Caesar and it is YUMMY! 7 grams of fat per serving is pretty good for Caesar dressing. They are the same people that make the Vanilla Chai Tea drink that is so good I call it "doughnut juice". It has a good amount of soy protein in it, but it has a lot of sugar too. No HFCS though :) Anyway, I finished the meal off with some peanuts.

I folded up a load of laundry too.

I have to get ready to go out of town this weekend. I'm trying to get some stuff done ahead, since I'm leaving Friday night.

A post in which I am really in need of sleep,

but really too busy to tend to it.

I had told Mom in cavalier fashion to call me when she woke up this morning. Ordinarily no matter how late I am out I am awake by about 8am. Mom called me at 7:30am to tell me that they were going to breakfast in the lobby of the hotel at 8. I had somehow groped my way to the phone, and blearily tried to wipe away the Vaseline-thick sleepiness from my mind enough to follow what she was saying. When it finally got through, I thought 'There is just no way.' I told Mom I'd have to meet her later.

I stumbled back to bed and crawled beneath the covers, only to realize that my stomach was now fully awake, and it was pretty fucking stoked about the idea of breakfast, thank you very much. It's just damn near impossible to sleep when your stomach is all grumbling and yelling, no matter how tired you are. I got up, called Mom back, and stuck a toothbrush in my mouth.

I got to the hotel at about 8:30, and had coffee with Mom, Rod, Mary Ellen, and her husband, who seemed immensely cheered at the proximity of waffles. He seemed much nicer this morning. We had coffee and chatted, eventually joined by Maureen and Dee. After more coffee it was determined that the rest of the party was headed back to Columbia, but Mom and Rod stuck around for a bit. They hadn't eaten, and we decided to go to brunch.

While Mom was getting ready, Rod and I hung out and had a bit of a man-to-man chat. He told me he was grateful to God every day that Mom had come into his life. He is in awe of her class and manners. She has her hooks in him for sure. My mom has this thing about her that men never seem to be able to get enough of. She changes them forever. Even if the relationship doesn't last, they are never the same. Rod 's got it pretty bad. Having seen this before, I wasn't totally surprised. I'm glad for him. Mom looked a long time for someone like him, and he's awfully close to exactly what she wanted. He's a Yankee, but I don't hold that against him. Frankly, if Granny Brown likes him, that's such an amazing thing that it really cancels out the misfortune of his birthplace. Seriously though, I told him I was very happy for both of them, and that all he ever had to do to get along with me was keep Mama happy. If he does that, we'll never have a problem. He seems to be doing a pretty damn good job so far. Mom looks great, and I can tell she feels great too. I really am tickled for her. The fact that he didn't hate me on sight because of what I am (as have the rest of her men) is just really icing on the cake.

I decided to take them to the brunch at Gourmet Pizza since I enjoyed it so much the other week. We ran by the house first to visit a bit while we waited for brunch to start, and Mom got to see the painting. It's not her kind of thing, but she was nice about it. Rod was politely complimentary about the house, and unsurprisingly completely uninterested in the glass. I had thought maybe, since he likes old things... but really no. That was pretty unrealistic. He was nice about it though. We had a nice brunch, after which she and Rod headed home, while yours truly collapsed in the bed for some sorely needed shut-eye.

I woke up about 3:30. I felt much clearer. I got up and changed out a load of laundry. I had worn the same pair of pants Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday, and last night to the party, because I didn't have any other casual pants clean that I could wear. I was reeeeeallllly sick of wearing those pants. I was really glad that I had taken the time to throw jeans in the dryer at 4am.

I got cleaned up and headed to Pickens to see Michael. He had texted me last week to see if I was free for dinner, and when I told him how booked I was he told me to hold today for him. Of course I was happy to do that. We were both in a weird mood, and just decided to hang out at his house for a bit and grab some dinner.

I met his new puppy, Sweetie, a really cute Chow/Husky mix he got for VD. She is as adorable as she is nerve-eating. Really cute, but has that whole puppy endless-energy-and-needle-sharp-milk-teeth thing going on. The other animals have fled to the tops of things in horror. But she is a sweet little thing. Eventually we stopped jawing long enough to head over to the Silver Bay for some good ole Southern-style greasy calabash seafood. We got a quiet table in the back, ate, and talked and talked. We were both just in that kind of mood. We had the sweetest waitress. My seafood was good, but my fries were old. I just ate them, although I shouldn't have. I hate it when I eat fattening stuff that isn't even that good. I just didn't want to trouble her to go get some fresh ones, she was so nice to us. We had a long conversation over dinner. Even such old friends can still find out new things about each other. We've been friends for a long time, and we're old enough now that we have more appreciation of it - you don't meet tons of people you get along like that with in this life. We've always been able to pick right back up where we left off, regardless of how long it's been since we've seen each other. It's nice to have that foundation of good memories in a friendship that is still green and growing - we don't just re-live the "good ole days". We still like each other for who we are now.

Michael is a great listener, and is usually as interested in what you are saying as he is in talking himself. He asks questions that let you know that he's really listening to you, and cares about what you're saying. It's even better to be with someone that understands that the whole world tries to tear you down - a friend helps try to build you up. That is pretty rare. It's one of the reasons he is such a successful businessman. One of the things we talked about tonight is something I have thought a lot about lately. So many people are just looking for someone to be nice to them. If you'll do that, they'll pretty much love you for it. When we were talking tonight, Michael said "I know you hate... what yesterday was." in the course of the conversation. I was at once tickled and touched. But that's Michael. He is a sensitive person (underneath the defenses), who uses that to be sensitive to others he cares about. Because he knows I find Valentine's Day painful, he didn't even want to say the words. Of course I'm not that fragile, but I was touched nonetheless. It was one of those little things that remind you why you love someone.

After dinner, a round of shopping was apparently in order. Michael and I have been shopping buddies from way back. I even bought stuff at Wal-Mart. I found a pair of pants to fit me. I need more casual stuff apparently, even though I am planning on Shifting Some Weight. I actually ended up buying more than he did. I introduced him to Quakes - and despite initial skepticism, I'm pretty sure he liked them.

When we got back to the house, we settled in for a good long talk and visit. Joe was home from work by that time, but just went on down into the den to watch a movie. I think we kind of bore him, honestly. But this was one of our good talks. We told stories about our families, and talked about spirituality, mutual acquaintances, memories we shared, amusing anecdotes - Michael is a born raconteur, and I come from a long line of story-tellers myself. When we get together, we can talk all night, and have. Despite my intentions of getting home to get some needed rest tonight, I just fell in and couldn't pull myself away. When I looked at the clock, it was 11:30. But what a great visit! It was so worth the loss of sleep. I can always do that later.

I did reflect on the weekend on the way home. I'm a very lucky, blessed person to have so many great friends. My cup runneth over. I'm so grateful for all of them. I love you guys!

A post in which Justin is triumphant

and successful in his vow that I would enjoy Valentine's Day. I had a great time today, even though I ran a lot of it.

I woke up, had coffee, and worked on my taxes before it was time to call dana. Justin called and said he wanted to go the flea market too, so I told him to come on to the house. We had a piece of toast and the left-over King Cake, and then headed out to meet Miss Kat, dana, and Greg in Anderson. It had rained last night, and started getting yucky as we got down closer to Anderson. That of course killed the yard sale part, although dana was lucky enough to find a table of bottles to look at. We weren't a very cohesive party today. We seemed to spend a bunch of time running around trying to coordinate, but it was still fun, and I just love having friends to go to the flea market with me.

"Bird Cage with rolling cart and invisible bird" I love the little signs at the Jockey Lot

This "tabel" looked perfect for James' living room to me, but he was happy with the one he has, and I was all caught up by the time he called me back anyway.

Well then it happened. Because of the rain, I had resigned myself to not finding any glass today. Which was fine. I scored big last weekend, and haven't even incorporated all those pieces into the display yet. But of course I ended up spending money anyway - a lot more than I ever expected to spend.

Miss Kat had asked me to come today in part because she was picture shopping. We looked at a couple of places and she bought some things, but I was most excited about the knock-off oil painting place. They have these at the beach flea markets, but we only recently got one here. I noticed it the other week. He had some pretty good Van Gough copies, and other things I recognized. I love things people have touched and actual originals, as opposed to poster-type pictures, when I can get them. Well Miss Kat and dana weren't impressed. I hadn't even had a good rummage around when I looked up to see them leaving the booth. Then I was struck. I fell in love with this really cool painting. When I was buying pictures before, I wanted an abstract, but couldn't find one I liked. I ended up with a neo-cubist abstract that I've never been particularly fond of. This one was both arresting and huge. I walked off to think about it (which many times cures the desire), but it called to me. I eventually decided I had to have it.

I went back and dickered with the guy a bit, getting him to frame it for me, etc. So I bought it. As frequently happens to me, the picture looked a lot smaller with I was buying it than it did when I actually started trying to put it in place. I laid the seats down in the Cruiser, but still had to move the front seats up a good bit to get the hatch closed. So I kind of drove back to Greenville in the fetal position, but I got it home. When I got it home, I realized that it was too big to fit over the fireplace where I bought it to hang. So I started moving pictures around.

The problem with that was that in the process I moved the picture that had been over the fireplace to the green room, where it looked so much better than it had in the living room that I didn't want to move it back. I also had mixed up the other pictures and it started to get very complicated to restore the balance and harmony I wanted. The bottom line is that I decided to get rid of three pictures. So because I bought one, I'm going to end up buying several more. But it's time. It felt so good to have something fresh in the house to make it look different and new. As small as the house is, I have to get rid of something when I get something new. It was good to have a new picture make me look at the others in a new light and decide to toss some.

The new picture in situ. I absolutely love this painting. My crappy camera doesn't do it justice. It has so much activity and energy. I love all the color too.

By the time Justin and I got home, rearranged furniture and pictures, had lunch, and made a run for picture hangers and Cole's long-overdue birthday present, we were really pushed for time as far as making it to dinner went. The reservations were at 5:30. We were a bit late, but made it.

Dinner was nice. We had a bit of a kerfuffle over the table - they were trying to cram us into a space that was too small to maximize seating for VD. We eventually worked it out though and were comfortable. It's always good to see Mom; and her friends Maureen and Mary Ellen were there. They are my favorites. I got to see Rod again, and he really continues to be friendly and likable. More importantly, he treats my mother like a queen, and she is obviously happy. I gave Mom her card and she gave me mine - along with a big ole Reese's peanut butter heart. It has over 800 calories in it. Well that's only 55 minutes on the walker. I know I'm going to eat it. Justin didn't have much to say, but I was really glad he was there. I had a breaded flounder in lemon cream sauce with a side of orzo with spinach, tomatoes and pine nuts. The breading on the flounder was a bit heavy, but it was some of the best orzo I have ever eaten.

I talked a bit with Maureen and met her fiance Dee, whom I had heard about for a good while. He seemed nice, and he and Maureen were really sweet together. I cracked a few jokes with Rod and tried to put him at ease. He tends to try a bit too hard sometimes. I didn't get to talk to Mary Ellen as much as I would have liked. She was at the other end of the table. Her husband seems like a bit of a drag, and didn't act like he wanted to be there. I think I have a better understanding of why she travels with the girls now. I generally did my best to be the agreeable and charming picture of a Nice Young Man.

We finished dinner and saw them off to the play, after which Justin and I scampered home so I could change, after which we headed for Spartanburg.

I made it to James's about 9. I took in one of the pictures I had been meaning to give him, and he seemed to like it (one of the three I decided to replace). I was glad that it went to someone who would enjoy it. I spent a lot of money getting it framed (it is an original watercolor I bought shortly after deciding to do the living room in all originals), but had just fallen out of love with it.

Tonight I met the famous Amanda. She is one of Justin's friends that I had heard so much about that I felt like I knew her already. She is quite a study in contradiction. She's a boyishly thin girl with an elfin face and a plait of honey-blond hair that runs down to her ankles. Any thoughts of delicacy flee when she opens her mouth though. She was in the navy, and true to cliche has the mouth of a sailor. She was dressed, and talks, like a young teen-age boy. She's smart and fun, a huge tease, and radiates energy. If it wasn't for the plait, and her insistence, I would think she was the definitive baby butch. Her constant good-natured barrage of irreverence and profanity is a good foil for Justin's amusing affectation of "Aunt Bee"-style waspishness. They delight in trying to one-up each other with insulting witticisms. It was a lot of fun to watch them together, and I like her.

We started playing Apples to Apples (with the relaxed rules), while we waited for Jeff to get in from work. Justin won, and I got not one green card (how you score). When Jeff got in, we tried to start over, but the game just kind of tapered out. Jeff had just gotten in and wanted to settle in and catch up, and we were at the point of the evening when we wanted to talk and carry on rather than conform to even a relaxed structure.

We ended up playing a drinking game called "Never have I ever...", which I had never played. The idea is that you say something you have never done, and anyone else in the game who has done that thing has to drink. For example. I could say "Never have I ever eaten walrus". Anyone at the table who has eaten walrus has to drink. It can get pretty interesting pretty fast, depending on who you're playing with, and this was an interesting group. Word to the wise - never play "Never have I ever" with a virgin. Yeah. They can pretty much make you drink at will. Amanda is a wicked player. Eventually, though, she and Justin started to make each other drink. She was really good at it. He ended up getting trashed and passing out in the floor.

At that point we ended the game and I put in Girls Will Be Girls, which I don't think Jeff or James had seen before. I know Amanda hadn't. I think they enjoyed it, although that is a movie you generally like better the third or fourth time - at least that's the way it was for me.

By the time the movie was over, I was whooped. I got home about 4am! And yes Justin, I will repeat it. You were right. It was a truly wonderful Valentine's Day. I had a great time.

A post in which I visit Miss Kat and dana

Work was pretty quiet today. My boss did come in at the end of the day unexpectedly, but he was really busy. The King Cake, came today. Last year it was late, but this year it came early, since Mardi Gras this year is on the 24th. Still, better to get it now than in the middle of Lent like last year. We have an agency in Metairie, LA that sends us one every year. The girls have come to expect it, and look forward to it now. For some reason they were all worked up today about finding the baby. One girl was standing around watching people cut the cake and estimating where it would be. She did eventually get it. The icing smelled so good, all sugary with vanilla and hints of citrus. I was really hoping they would eat it all - last year it was devoured. They ate all but one piece, which everyone just kept cutting in half. I finally just wrapped it up to take home. It is good with coffee. I figured if I ate it as part of tomorrow's breakfast it wouldn't be as bad.

After work I decided to definitely work out, since I was going to visit Miss Kat and dana, and usually while I'm there, some kind of dessert is involved. I hit the gym and did 20 minutes on the walker, since that is my goal, and I wasn't doing weights tonight. 20 minutes at a time was my goal, since you're supposed to be active a minimum of 20 minutes three times a week for cardiac health. That's my main focus at this point, is just to get moving a bit and do some cardio. Losing weight would be great, but even if I don't lose that much, I want to be moving more for my health.

On of the girls at work today got a Reese's heart, definitive proof that the candy people want us all to be fat. I have been avoiding these things like the plague when I'm out shopping. I want one SO BADLY! But I know I really, REALLY oughtn't.

Well dessert was involved, and it was wonderful, but it was Kettle Corn, plus I ate only one cookie. It was a really good cookie though. I drank water instead of tea as well. Every little bit helps right? If I'm thinking of my health though, I should really smoke less. I smoked a bunch tonight. Since I was out Wed and Thu nights as well, and smoking then, this is becoming less of a weekend thing. Something I need to think about. I play a little denial game with myself, kind of not really owning the title "smoker", because I don't smoke except socially. I've just been doing a lot of socializing lately.

We had a great visit. Greg was there too, dana's friend from Atlanta. He seemed to be in better spirits, and it was good to see him. He's a really nice guy. We basically just laughed and talked and visited. I got to see the sweet and wonderful Max, and remembered to take a photo to share this time...

OK, so admittedly Max is a lot sweeter looking. But really, separated at birth or what?

Before I left, we agreed to go to the flea market in the morning. I have a killer day planned tomorrow, with a bunch of stuff I need to do, but I just really couldn't resist. I'm probably over-booking, but I'm trying to enjoy more and worry less.

A post in which I attend a birthday celebration

It was the day on which we celebrate the delivery of The Fabulous D'relda D'remus today. I was reminded of it at 8:41am via text from Marty this morning.

But since I was just going to go home and do laundry anyway, it was no big deal. I had no gift, but really one wasn't required. I talked to Anna, and she was going with me. Marty was going to be there. I hit the gym after work, then went home to shower and change.

After my conversation with Justin though, I really didn't feel like doing anything tonight. But I love Donnie very much. Enough to put up with very loud live music. I don't understand the fascination with live music. I guess it's an energy thing that I just don't get. I know straight people love it. Generally, it just sounds like second-rate versions of songs that you're tired of listening to on the radio to me. I will say that the guy that was playing tonight was a very talented guitar player. If he had turned the five amplifiers that were less than 10 feet from the end of the table down a bit, I would have enjoyed the music.

The food at Molina's is very good. I opted for spinach burritos tonight instead of my usual favorite, nachos, because I figured they would be healthier and lower in calories. I discovered tonight that they make excellent ceviche, which I adore. Matt had some and let me taste his. Dad and Eve used to eat there a lot, but they had some kind of falling out with the owners, and have moved to another Mexican place. Donnie and his posse eat there pretty regularly. Donnie and Mark enjoy ogling the hot straight guys that hang out there and sometimes play music. There are a disproportionate number of hotties that hang there. But I can see straight guys on the computer. Naked. Doing what I really want to see them do. And ogle all I want. Again, I guess I just don't get it. Not that I don't understand the allure of live guys over a computer screen. It just makes me feel a bit creepy to objectify them in that fashion. Well face-to-face, anyway. Or maybe it's just my straight guy issues.

D'relda opens a gift from Dan'l

I guess it was mostly just the mood I was in. I felt bad about the way the conversation with Justin had gone today. The whole VD thing had just kind of caved in on my spirit. I'll be really glad when I get past Saturday. Plus I was kind of partied out from last night. I did talk to Justin on the phone for a minute, and felt a bit better about that situation. I apologized for being a dick. At least he doesn't seem to be mad at me.

One of the couples that was in the restaurant announced their engagement. It was very sweet, but I was really curious. First, she had this elaborate triple-process with bleached bangs and stuff. Good I thought, he really loves her if he can see past that hair. Second, I thought, why would you announce at Molina's? Maybe it was where they went on their first date or something. Third, I thought, why ask her tonight instead of waiting for VD on Saturday? I mean, I'm all for the anti-Valentine's thing, and that would be really cool if they were Fighting The Power, but I would really liked to have found out the motives.

Kimbley and Laura were at the end of the table

Anna flamed out tonight and didn't come, which disappointed both myself and Marty. Plus I had ended up back in the middle of their possible relationship, which was where I told myself I wasn't going to be.

D'relda in the Birthday Sombrero with his birthday flan

So it was just an off night for me. I didn't feel like drinking, which would probably have helped. Most likely because of my bad mood I suppose, the conversation seemed to break on either side of me. I smiled and nodded when people said things I couldn't hear because they were three feet away. I just kind of sat there. I ate. I talked a bit with Matt outside (where you could hear low thunder). I found a new lighter on the floor when I came in. I tried to scream a bit with Marty. I tried not to be a drag on the party. I virtuously avoided eating the birthday flan, which somehow ended up in front of me with only one bite out of it (I LOVE flan). I had my picture made in the Birthday Sombrero. I made a few smart-ass remarks to Donnie and wished him sincere good wishes for a Happy Birthday. But generally, I was pretty glad when I could go on home.

A post in which I am a jerk, and there's VD all over the %$$#@!! place

Well it's that wonderful time of year again.

I thought I had lucked out in getting Justin to go with me to the canoodle-fest that will be VD dinner with my mom, her posse, and their boyfriends. But it was not to be. The cruel and vicious demon-whore that is Valentine's Day gave an evil laugh, batted her dollar-sign eyes, took the form of a muse, and gave Justin an idea. Gave Justin a wonderful, horrible idea. The idea that we should all go to a bar on the evening of Valentine's Day. He shared this master plan with me today.

Of course my first reaction was just to go to a quiet place and quell the dry-heaves. A gay bar. On Valentine's Day. Two of the most horrible, loneliness-inducing things in the world in one bloated hellucopia. A nightmare played out in ear-splitting fag electro-dance music. At least no one will be able to hear me scream.

Needless to say, I greeted this idea with a marked lack of enthusiasm. I sounded kind of like Eeyore visiting a pediatric cancer ward. Of course Justin would have no frame of reference to understand what it's like to be 40, fat, single, with a better chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a decent guy to date. He seems to feel that if he can get over his latest spat with his incredibly gorgeous boyfriend who is crazy about him, that I should be able to overcome everything with a few drinks.

Ordinarily I try not to dwell on the negative. Really I do try. I've put up with the 8 million jewelery and flower commercials on TV. I've turned a blind eye to the candy displays in every fucking store in the country. I didn't make a peep when Bi-Lo erected it's annual "love corral" over the registers and began to fill it with bloated Mylar announcements that yes, even the 500lb guy on the "Scamp" at the store has a sweetie to take a balloon, a cake, and a gallon of ice cream home to. But after the week I've had with my family, the cruel taunts of the VD bitch are just a bit more than I can take with good grace at the moment. I told Justin I'd almost rather spend VD in a Russian prison than in a gay bar, which really wasn't a very nice thing to do. He's doing me a favor. I should be able to at least be graceful about his request.

Now I feel small and selfish, and I'll have to spend an Evening in Hell to feel like a good friend again. Just call me Prometheus, and bring on the eagle. Apparently annually.

A post in which I have dinner with James and Jeff

But first, a call from Paul

My brother-in-law called me today at work. It seems like after I talk to my parents, I hear from him. He first asked me if anything had changed here as far as my dad's attitude towards him. I said not to my knowledge. He then told me he had heard from my step-mother Eve this week. She called telling him she was coming to Brenden's (my nephew) hockey game, and there was nothing he could do about it, etc. Paul said he tried to keep the call on an even keel, but failed. Eve then tried to convince him that things had changed there and Dad wasn't mad any more. When Paul was skeptical, she reportedly said "You've been talking to Stephen, haven't you? You can't believe anything he says."

This, after I've been pleading their case and trying to get them a picture of their grandchild, since my father is too damn bull-headed to act like somebody. I'm sick of this. I'm done. I'm officially out of that situation. I'm tired of being the go-between and listening to it from both sides. From now on, I'm not talking to either of them. If Dad goes to his grave bearing a grudge, well that's his business. If Eve is going to talk about me behind my back like that, it's really hard for me to sympathize with her. She can negotiate on her own.

Trying to pull my nose out of other things that are none of my business

Well I talked to Anna today, just to find out if she had dinner with Marty the other night (this is the lesbian couple I've been kind of playing match-maker for). Anna of course didn't get the message that Marty left for her on Monday.

I really think they could be good for each other, but I'm leery of getting into another situation where I'm trying to make something work that might not. It is very difficult to get a hold of Anna outside of work. She doesn't have a cell phone, and she doesn't keep up with her home messages very well. But it really isn't my business if they date or not. I've done probably more than I should have already. I think I need to leave it to them at this point.

Dinner

I got to see not only James and Jeff, but met their friend Roxie as well. Justin couldn't make it for some reason. I was planning to go home and do laundry tonight, but James called and invited me up for a game night w/pizza. Yeah, that was pretty much a no-brainer.

I went ahead and hit the gym, scampered home, and changed before going up. I wanted to at least burn off a few calories before I ingested another five or six pounds of pizza. Kind of like taking your socks off before you weigh. We ordered from PapaJohn's. Disregarding any attempt at moderation, I got pan pizza. It was absolutely heaven, I have to say.

James and Jeff have become quite domesticated. They have another dog now. That makes two. And they tell me they have been mortgage shopping. I must confess my eyebrows went up at that one. As I left, they were out walking the dogs together. Very gay family.

We had a lovely evening. We talked, laughed, and played Apples to Apples, a game I had played many times before with Russ and Billy. I won too! Huzzah! But of course the main pleasure was getting to spend some time with my friends.

A post in which I praise Mrs. George De Horne Vaizey

Today I joyfully re-discovered the works of Mrs. George De Horne Vaizey (aka Jessie Mansergh) online.

I suppose it's simple of me, but I just love her books. The young people are polite and have a quite unrealistic perspective for their age. Although many of her characters are poor, they always triumph over adversity. Her protagonists are to a man (or woman) people that you like and want to root for.

And best of all, everyone turns out happily in love and matched up in the end.

I know that her books were written as morality primers for Edwardian girls. I know they aren't great literature. They're just stories told by an English invalid who tried to make her own little corner of the world brighter. I suppose to some they would be insufferable. But I like it when things turn out well. Her books make me feel good when I finish them.

Given her life, it's a triumph that she was able to remain cheerful. She had a strong faith to help. Her first husband died of addiction. She won a cruise with one of her stories and met her second husband, but was then crippled by rheumatoid arthritis. She continued writing from her wheelchair. Maybe her stories just appeal to the anglophile in me. Whatever the cause, her books are dear to me.

A post in which I spend the evening on my feet

I guess it couldn't hurt, since I spend most of the day flat of my ass.

Work was interesting today. The company that lied to us and took us for $1.6mil today threatened to sue us for re-calling a shipment. It think the strict letter of bankruptcy law says that we can't do that, but a) we re-called it before the filing was made, and b) we would have just asked for the product back via a reclamation anyway. Still, the gloves are off. We're suing the entire board for mis-representation, etc. It's going to be ugly.

After work I hit the gym, then headed home to cook. I'm still trying to get caught up on chores from last weekend. I wasn't looking forward to spending the evening in the kitchen. I was tired. But I brought in my book on CD to listen to while I cooked and that helped.

Unfortunately, my food didn't turn out that great. I was trying to re-create a sour cream sauce I had eaten years ago at a restaurant that went out of business. Trying to re-create and make this lower-fat at the same time was a tall order. Plus I made an elementary mistake, using wine instead of broth in the sauce. It should have been obvious to me that this sauce needed broth, but I wanted to use up the mystery wine in the fridge. It really is true what they say "the better the wine, the better the sauce". This wine was pretty craptastic, as was the resulting sauce. But it's edible. Live and learn. I seem to keep having to learn this lesson though.

By the time I got done and cleaned up the kitchen, it was time for bed.

A post in which Monday manages to be mostly non-offensive*

Other than it just being a Monday. I woke up feeling bleary and drug-out. But I called in last Monday after the game. I shuffled through the house getting ready.

I was lazy at work today. I did my job, but I didn't do much extra.

A call from Dad

Dad called today, to talk about Aunt Loney's funeral. She died this past week and the funeral was Sunday. He called me and left a message while I was in Charlotte. Aunt Ruby died last week too. Both of them were very old though, and had led full lives. They had both gotten pretty pitiful. Loney went and did what she wanted to do right up until 6 months before she died. She was driving well into her 90's, making the rounds visiting family members. We think she had a stroke. She went from 100% sharp as a tack to complete disorientation overnight. I'm not glad she's dead, but it was a release for her. She was so independent. She hated being taken care of, and would have hated consciousness of it. She thought she was in jail, and couldn't understand why she had been put there.

Dad finished up the conversation by bugging me about church. Again. I have been bearing this with good grace for the last couple of months, but I just basically told him today that my religious life was none of his business, and asked that he leave me alone about it. I guess I'm entitled to that, but I was sharper than I meant to be, and I felt bad about my motives for it. Dad has been born again for the 3rd or 4th time a couple of years ago, when he joined the Catholic Church. I feel I understand his motives for that, and I don't have a problem with how anyone finds their way to their spirituality. But since then, he's been proselytizing to me about going back to church. He's been telling me how it has changed his life, and how much comfort he's found, etc etc. I really am glad for him if he's found that.

But in the same time period, he has disowned my sister Cindy, said horrible things to my brother-in-law, and told me that he hates both of them; and that if being civil to them is the cost of seeing my nephew, then the cost is too high. I can't reconcile such hard-heartedness and lack of forgiveness with the Christianity I believe in. I believe your witness is your life, and I try to be the best person I can be. I try to be forgiving, and to live the example of Christ as much as I can (granted, my sexual mores could be called into question there). But basically, my little voice in the back of my head keeps saying "Let's see a little forgiveness and turning the other cheek if you want to impress me with how much religion has changed you, Mr. Witness." And of course that's totally wrong. It's not my place to judge his spiritual life any more than it is for him to judge mine. It's not my place to decide about his sins. That's between him and God. So though I'm really tired of hearing the "kinder, gentler Daddy" witness to me, when I know the same ole "turn your picture to the wall if you disagree with me Daddy" is still very present in our lives, my motives here feel small. I told him I loved him to take some of the sting (I hope) out of what I had said, and ended the call.

It's unfortunate, but after something that happened between us about 5 years ago, I just came to the realization that my father and I would never be close. We just have nothing in common, and he'll never stop trying to mold me into the person he thinks I should be, rather than loving or accepting the person I am. He has embraced and nurtured his own toxicity to the point that I have to limit his presence in my life to be happy and whole. I'm not patterning myself after him. I love him because he's my father, the only one I get. I honor him because he is my father, and that is what I am told to do in the Bible. But I'm not about to follow in his spiritual footsteps. They say in the Bible that God loves us like a father. I hope God is more accepting of the person I am. I hope God is more understanding of the choices I have made than my earthly father.

And now for an abrupt change of subject.

I had a call from my friend Steve from TN. He was in town, so I scampered by to see him after work and got a bit of a surprise. But it was fun. He's having all kind of angst and drama over a man he's involved with and a mutual friend, so I Yoda'd him a bit.

After that, I was supposed to go home and cook, but I was just too lazy. I went by the grocery store and got some hummus and a salad I could take to work tomorrow with a peanut butter sandwich. I managed to not go to the Ni Hao Buffet, the new one where I ate last night, although I would have really loved to go. But after spending so much on glass last weekend, I really don't need to spend the money. Not to mention not needing the extra calories. I skipped the gym to go see Steve tonight.

I noticed tonight when I got off work that traffic was exceptionally light, as it has been the last couple of nights. I wonder if there have been lay-offs around where I work? Or if it has just been coincidence? I know better than to think that the SCDOT (insert hiss here) has actually made any productive changes like timing the traffic lights better. If it is lay-offs, it's pretty chilling what an impact this downturn has had on a thriving area. And Greenville hadn't been as hard-hit as some areas.

Shaking off the willies, I went home and had whole-wheat pita with hummus, grape tomatoes, raw pecans, and raisins for dessert. I felt most virtuous. Diet-wise, anyway. Based on what I ate today, anyway. I just didn't think about that wheel-barrow load of Chinese buffet I ate yesterday.