A post in which I'm going through baggage

that I thought I had left at the Goodwill long ago, but which has reared it's ugly head like a rotting fish in the cluttered fridge of my psyche today.

For some reason, I can't lay down the Glen thing from last Thursday. I know I should. I know it would be far more advisable than pursuing it. And I'm acting like Dad, which frankly is freaking me the fuck out.

I emailed M today to try to find out what he had told Glen about our break-up. I know that M is very good at playing the victim and is the recipient of a largess of sympathy pretty much whatever he does. He made at least one of his exes feel extremely sorry for him, which also worked with me. One of his co-workers has related such awful stories about the way his family treats him to her mother that the woman regularly sends baked goods to work to him, this poor motherless boy. His roommate's ruff goes up like a protective pit bull around any new guy he dates, since she has repeatedly heard about how badly he has been treated by the men he has dated. So it really isn't terribly far-fetched to think it possible that a tale had been spun about how I was yet another guy who had Done Him Wrong.

I was kind of surprised to actually receive a response. In which he told me that he "couldn't remember" what he had told Glen about our break-up (which set off the big LIE alarm in my head), but that his attitude towards me was just a result of how "caring and protective" Glen was towards M. Frankly, it sounded like a Scooter Libby answer. He should have been able to remember what he told Glen, and the truth wouldn't have given Glen any reason to feel "protective" about Gavin around me. What's threatening about the fact that he dumped me like yesterday's garbage?

I'm worried partially because things get around. If he's told Glen that I was mean to him, or that he's afraid of me, that could well affect a potential relationship with someone who would truly care about me. This is a small community. I have a bad enough rep without being falsely seen as an abusive partner or something. And partially, it just bugs the shit out of me that I don't know - that's the Dad side.

Further emails resulted in a stronger denial that sounded like the truth, although the grammar used implied Freudian slips of mammoth proportions. Or perhaps I am just a paranoid nut-job. In the end, it doesn't really matter. I used to feel that I was a pretty good judge of character, and that I could tell when someone is showing me something real. After I mis-judged that relationship so badly, I no longer have that confidence. But I was suitably embarrassed to drop it. I have appealed to his honor and asked for his mercy - truth or not, there really isn't anything else I can do. And I think I've sacrificed more of my dignity than I can really spare at this point.

I did ask him to please come get his stuff and give me my house keys back. I'd like to be able to not feel like little bits of our lives are still tangled up. It's just too confusing and hurtful for me.

I know that I really, really need to lay this down. I'm trying.