A post in which I am a bit crazy*

I got up this morning and got ready for work. Then I just couldn’t make myself walk out the door. I just couldn’t make myself leave the house.

Apparently I’m repeating old unhealthy patterns from the past. I used to go into black depressions when I couldn’t leave the apartment when I was in my 20s, but I thought I’d moved beyond that.

For that matter, I thought I’d moved beyond using sex as a reassurance. I spent plenty of time reassuring myself, propping up faulty self-esteem, and proving my desirability in my 20s too; but it seems that I’m not above slipping back into (pardon the metaphor) that old pattern either.

It was a strange, disconnected day. I worked in the kitchen some. I ended up watching more movies. I spent better than half the day watching stupid MST3000 movies on DVD, which for some reason have become both endlessly hilarious and as important as a lifeline to another time. I am frantic with distraction; washing dishes, making tea, watching movies, and playing games on the computer at the same time. I check constantly for emails that I won’t feel like answering.

I got nothing accomplished today. Nothing really worthwhile anyway.

I finally forced myself to leave the house about 8, ostensibly to go buy more junk food, but in reality just to see if I could do it. I did. I even got the mail. I didn’t do that yesterday. But I was uncomfortable the whole time I was out, and when I got home I practically ran up the walk, unlocked the door, and threw my back against it inside, heart pounding.

Lori called tonight, but I couldn’t face talking to anyone. I am consumed with the notion that talking about this or leaving the house will make it real. If I re-join the world and admit that it keeps right on regardless, then this thing starts moving towards me again.

The house feels like a fortress. It’s my citadel, my chattel, the only thing I have amassed that I can call mine. It’s concrete – I can hold on to it. I feel like pulling up the drawbridge and never leaving again.