A post in which there are a couple o things that are up my butt about a MILE right now

iCarly

I don't know what idiot thought this show up. Before I watched some of it, I thought Drake and Josh was bad (I still think so, but that awfulness has been eclipsed). I understand I'm not the demographic they're trying to attract. But if we are growing a generations of mush-brained goofy idiots, this show would be an excellent example of why. I catch the opening of this show by accident at times when I'm watching Spongebob. I can feel my IQ start to drop just seconds in. As much as I would ordinarily applaud a show for young people with a female protagonist (consistent research shows that girls will watch shows where a boy is the main character, but boys will not watch shows where a girl is the main character - I understand the gamble), is this the best we have to offer the young women who will be growing up to lead this nation? The inane bibble-babble of two dunderheads? I know that every entertainment doesn't have to be cerebrally stimulating, but it shouldn't be brain-rotting either. I can't help but think that this show both illustrates and contributes to the new sexism - that it's 'cute' for girls to be (tee-hee!) stupid. Not to mention joining the growing and frightening wave of anti-intellectualism that says it isn't 'cool' to be smart - for either sex. Scary to think that the doctor who will someday be treating me grew up not studying because they didn't want to be a 'nerd' (not to mention cultivating a generation with a larger portion which lacks the intellectual tools to deconstruct 'birther' arguments and the like). I am ashamed that such a show ties up valuable air time that could be used for informercials. An infomercial would contribute more to society than this mind-numbing idiotic pablum. At least someone might get their closet organized or their plumbing leak stopped.

The continuing obsession with a germ-free toilet

Who in the world needs a germ-free toilet? Can anyone answer this question for me?? I have written about this before but there is yet another ridiculous commercial pandering to this phobia right now. It starts off explaining to us that bleach doesn't really remove stains, it just whitens them. What? I thought removing stains was whitening them! The commercial then goes on to show a special dye being sprayed onto a toilet to reveal "hidden stains". What the hell is a hidden stain? Who thought this up? I have never introduced dye to my toilet looking for hidden stains. Nor has any guest I've ever had. My friends just have better things to do (or indeed more important and pressing matters to tend to in that room anyway), and it is indeed one of my fondest wishes that an obsessed toilet-dye sprayer is not numbered even among my acquaintances. If however such a person and their vial of dye did get into my home, I would hope that they would find hidden stains to satisfy their obvious obsession. I would then, of course, never invite them over again. I will close by saying that honey, if you got stuff in your toilet that straight bleach won't kill - you got much bigger problems than "hidden stains".

The Activia "challenge"

You can hardly have telly on for five minutes these days without Jaimie Lee Curtis coming on to tell you all about the "Actvia Challenge". I have problems with this on several levels. First of all, eating some yogurt so you can take a dump is not a challenge! If you are so constipated from an indulgent diet of Western processed foods that you can't even shit on your own, that's pitiful. It's a symptom that some major life changes are needed. If you are so coddled in vanilla suburbia that you actually find it a challenge to eat some yogurt and take a dump, that is even sadder. And how dildonic is the language!! The grateful recipient of Activia's myriad gifts (i.e. shitting) reports that she had become 'sluggish'. Are we so insulated and isolated from our bodies that the word 'constipated' is too indelicate to say? Is the same society that applauded Beavis and Butt-head going to be frightened by so banal a term? I find that very hard to believe. I'm also kind of saddened to see such an empowered and independent woman as Jaimie Lee reduced to selling laxative yogurt for a living. I mean, if she wants to take the money, that's her business, but can't we find something better for such a cool and talented actress to do? Climbing a mountain is a challenge people. Having to eat yogurt so you can take a shit is a symptom of a greater problem. Personally and societally. And another thing. The "challenge" is that you eat yogurt every day for two weeks, and if you "aren't satisfied" they'll give you your money back. OK, if you don't shit for two weeks, you will be dead. You will have much bigger problems than getting the money back on some dubious yogurt claim. Of course, they know you'll poop in two weeks. What is the risk to them? Plus, that damn girl that tries to sing "Activia" to the tune of their jingle can't fucking sing. It's not homey. It's not charming. It's nails on a chalkboard to anyone with an iota of musical appreciation in their body. If shit-inducing yogurt is important enough that we need an actress with Jaimie Lee Curtis's talent to tell us about it, the we need at least Carly Simon to sing the jingle, OK?

Dildonic corporate-speak

This one has been on my nerves for a while, but I'm overloaded with it this week. Our company forces us to complete an entire banquet of bullshit as part of our performance appraisals. (Of course they aren't called that any more, those words still have some meaning attached to them.) The theory is that if you have a 'voice' in the process then you feel more empowered. In actuality, it just means one more aggravation, one more hoop to jump through, and more work to do before you get the raise your supervisor has already decided on anyway. So it's a completely useless and pleasureless masturbatory exercise. The woman in charge of our corporate training programs apparently has very fancy degree. She loves corporate-speak. In fact, we don't have a training department any longer. We have a "Knowledge Transfer Center". Yeah - they seriously call it that. By the end of the class I was so confused that I was ready to run amok, because none of the headings mean anything. They have been so washed of meaning that you can't figure out what you're even supposed to be doing. Performance is now "talent". (What am I supposed to tap-dance or something? I could sing...) The evaluation has been dropped completely. I don't have a problem with my boss evaluating my work - that's what they pay me for. Why is this so traumatic that it has be couched in meaningless drivel? I go to eat my lunch in our cafeteria, where many impromptu meetings are held. If I hear one more word about "engaging in dialogue"!! Why not just fucking talk to someone? And using 'impact' for 'affect'. This doesn't make you sound more dynamic, it just makes you sound more dildonic - as if you are some soulless corporate drone who can't think for yourself at all any more, only sporadically regurgitate meaningless drivel you have imbibed at some great corporate teat. I will issue a plea now - please stop burying me in meaningless words! Say what you mean, in clear language!!

Whew - it feels good to get that off my chest.