A post in which I am confused and rather discouraged*

I woke this morning to have my head still kind of in a tizz about all that happened yesterday.  I had just decided to concentrate on work when I got a text.  I had invited my buddy Eric over this morning.  I really wasn't that keen on his coming, but I hate to leave a pal high and dry.  I told him to come on over.

I made it to work early and started bangin' stuff out.  I got my desk caught up and under control, and got my write-offs turned in for processing.  In short order all was as it should be. 

My head, on the other hand, remained stubbornly befuddled.  I am confused about the whole Jason thing.  This is what I wanted; but it seems to be presented to me as a  fait accompli, already decided and tied up neatly in a bow.  This is triggering some kind of automatic push-back in my contrary mind.  It also just seemed to come out of the blue.  Plus, frankly, he doesn't have the best track record in the world for sticking around.  Sigh.  This is what I have been pining for, supposedly, but now that it just has kind of landed in my lap I feel kind of like foie gras goose being force-fed.  It's of course completely illogical, but then I am just not known for my abundant logic I guess. 

By the end of the day I was no closer to feeling good about this, and this morning just really confused everything.  The L-word has been exchanged.  So am I cheating now?  Should I change my relationship status on Facebook?  He says it's going to take a year for him to wrap things up in NC.  We need to do more talking and less 'napping' the next time I see Jason.

I don't know why I was feeling so discouraged, but I couldn't deny the feeling.  On the way home, I was like screw it.  I turned in to Buffalo Wild Wings to drown my sorrows in the fried appendages of helpless birds who have done me no harm.  Again completely illogical.  But I wanted them, and didn't have the moral fortitude in me to resist tonight.  I usually feel more guilty afterwards, so it isn't a good feeling.  I pay for the indulgence.  But indulge I did.  I try not to do this too often.  I don't want it to become a habit.  I don't want to be a chicken-wingaholic.  But tonight it seemed like a minor vice to gratify.  My waitress was super nice too. 

Afterwards I went home, feeling vaguely disgusted with myself, as I usually do when I fall off the wagon.  Pretty much all I wanted to do was hit the sack, which I did.

Then I got a text.  The phone was all the way across the room, and I had just decided to look at it in the morning when the it rang.  It was Russ.  "Are you coming to dinner?" he asked.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  Apparently they were all out for sushi, and my friend Brian told them I had been invited and accepted.  I don't know who he contacted, but it was not me.  I explained this to Russ.  Then I sent Brian a text, basically telling him to separate my number from the trick lettuce (an out of vogue expression for those slips of paper that collect in your wallet which have scribbled on them the numbers of casual 'acquaintances') in his phone and make sure he contacted the right person.  But I had contacted the wrong Brian (which in an odd way was rather karmic).  Now it was his turn to not know what was going on.  I apologized, and Brian was very nice about it.

It has just been an strange day all the way 'round. 

I turned on Snow White, rolled over, and turned off the day, ending it on competing notes of denial, escapism, and regression.