A post in which it is ridiculously hot

I was up early today because well, I just don't sleep in any more.  But I got on up because Jeff was coming this morning.  I had coffee and a ciggie on the porch, and texted back and forth with him about directions and things.  I also tried to get in touch with Russ and Billy.  No answer.  I had called Jeff to see if he thought I would be a horrible person if I went on to the flea market with them, and he told me to go with a clear conscience.  Since they weren't responding  I went on out into the yard and started in while I waited for him to get here.

Jeff pulled up and I went through what needed doing with him.  I worked out there for an hour or so before calling it quits.  I just don't have the puff any more.  Plus the problems with my feet and legs just keep me from doing everything I want.  Not that I really wanted to do this, but it had to be done. 

Jeff worked his ass off.  I kept the cooler of ice water full, and checked on him every now and again.  He scared me half to death by slicing his finger open just as we got started.  He came in the house bleeding all over, but I got him bandaged, and he gamely went right back out.  He didn't stop for lunch. 

I finally got in touch with Russ and Billy about 11am.  They were still in the bed.  That was fine, I had thought that either a) Russ was much madder at me than I thought; or that b) they were dead.  I was glad that neither was the case.  We made plans to go to dinner.

I used to think that I was just born to have staff, but my proletariat roots were showing today.  I just couldn't relax in the house knowing that he was outside working.  I futzed.  I made tea, did laundry, changed the sheets, etc.  Every time I sat down to eat something, Jeff would come in for the bathroom or something, and there I would be, laid up like Lady Muck or something.  I needed to take a nap, but I kept hearing the local news anchor saying "Local sources tell us that the resident was in the house asleep while his friend died of heat stroke in the yard."  And then I would have to go look out the window again to make sure Jeff was still alive.

Eventually most everything was done, Jeff was hotted out, and he left.  I could hardly blame him.  He worked really hard, and got a lot more done than I thought he would.  It was such a relief to have it all done.

He went on home, and I headed for Russ and Billy's, where we started talking about dinner.  They just couldn't believe that I hadn't invited Jeff for dinner, this despite the fact that they had invited James.  Since James hadn't responded, I got in touch with Jeff about dinner.  He said he would meet us at Miyako in Spartanburg.  Russ wanted to go there anyway, because he was craving their tuna tataki.  I was just dying for sushi.  I had thought we would just run over to Irashiai, but Russ was determined to have Miyako if we were having sushi, and I was determined to have sushi.

About the time we were there, Jeff called to say that Miyako was closed for renovations.  We went on to another sushi place we had been before that had good food, but they were closed for good.  We wound up eating at a place Jeff knew called Wasabi Japanese Restaurant.  Billy was leaning towards going to Thai Taste, which we all love, but I just really wanted sushi tonight. 

As it turned out, this was a poor decision.  The trip started off on a good note.  There were articles from the paper posted in the front window, and one of the owners, who seated us, was very nice.  Our server was very pretty, and was quite patient during Russ's twenty minute ordering procedure.  He wanted Miyako, and was trying to order things from this place and get them the way they are made at Miyako.  And he couldn't make up his mind.  And he was grumpy because Miyako was closed.

The first problem was that the korrokke had chicken in them.  I have since read that that is apparently OK, but we had never heard of that.  I ordered some mussels yaki, which is one of my favorites.  They were made with honey mustard instead of mayo - bleah!  That was a really bad idea.  But since Jeff had been at the house all day I had been too embarrassed to eat much lunch.  He weighs like 160lbs soaking wet.  I was ravenous.  I ate the nasty mussels.  They didn't taste good, but they weren't rotten or anything.

The food was, well meh.  Russ ordered the tuna tataki and declared it inedible.  I ate it.  It was OK, but it wasn't tuna tataki.  The server disappeared.  We did finally get a refill on our drinks.  Overall, we paid big boy real sushi prices for some seriously either mediocre or downright yucky food.  I was quite disappointed.  Billy, with the patience of a saint, forbore reminding us that we could have gone to Thai Taste right down the street and had an excellent meal. 

But I had been starving, and the hole was full, so I felt better.

We went over to Jeff's house to hang out for a bit.  It was a little odd.  The place was very quiet without James there.  It was kind of sad to visit with him gone.  But Jeff seems to be in good spirits (if a bit too defiant at times, and a bit too timid at others - but I of all people have no room to talk there).  After talking with him for a while, we headed out.  I was exhausted - that hour and a half in the yard this morning had tired me out beyond all reason, and Billy's back was killing him.  So we headed home, and to our respective beds, after making plans for Russ and I to take the deferred flea market trip in the morning.

A post in which it is a quiet Friday

For the most part. 

I heard from Russ today.  He and Billy are going to the flea market in the morning.  I would love to go, but Jeff will be here to work in the yard.  I need to be here to explain what all needs doing, and then to be sure that he doesn't die of heat stroke.  It's been over 100F the last two afternoons, and it was hot today.  When 95F feels like a 'cool spell', that's just wrong. I think it pissed Russ off when I told him I couldn't go though.  No idea why, but it seemed to.

Traffic was light when I got off work, I guess in advance of the holiday week.   I went through Target, but virtuously didn't buy anything, and then on home.  I was wiped out for some reason.  I thought about calling Miss Kat and Dana, but I had just seen them last Friday, so my strategy is to give them the next Friday off so they don't get Steve fatigue. 

I was trying to decide what I wanted for supper.  Well I knew what I wanted, but it was all the way across town, and would be expensive to boot.  I've been trying to watch my money better.  Apparently I forgot that I am not rich while I was in treatment, and it's been kind of a financial rampage since I got out.  So I'm not in bad shape, I just have to remember that I have a budget and try to stick closer to it.

But, as happens these days, I decided that I had to have what I wanted.  You only go around once right?  (Unless you're a Buddist.)  I called Adam's Bistro, and headed that way.  I paid $11.83 (with tax) for a pound of pasta salad.  That is cuh-razy.  But it was exactly what I wanted, and it was just as good as I remembered.  I got to see Teresa when I went in too.  She used to work at my job in the commisary for a while.  She has a bit of a bad rep because she can be pretty intense and protective about the business, but I can undestand that.

So I ate half the pasta salad, played online for a bit, and went on to bed.  I have a long day tomorrow.

A post in which I reflect

I went back through old posts from around this time in 2009.  That was when I was seeing Gavin (identified as "M" at the time by his request - in retrospect he must have known he wasn't going to come off well in the end).  I suppose that the dealings with Jason have made me more thoughtful about that time.  Sadly, the month I dated Gavin was the only significant dating relationship I've had with another man since Michael left in January 2007.  That's five years ago.  And the "relationship" with Gavin was, well basically one-sided.  In the end anyway.  My stalwart Russ contends to this day that I showed him something real and it scared him half to death.  That may be true.  That belief is definitely one of the reasons I adore Russ.  He's always got my back.  And he's old enough to understand how devistating it was for me to think all of that could have been a lie.

Which takes me back to God.  Go with me.  BB died while I was dating Gavin.  I had just lost my mom's father Poppy about the same time.  So many losses. Although my friends were (and still are) wonderful, maybe God saw I needed a little extra to get me through thtat time.  It was like when I had cancer.  I don't think God gave me cancer, but I do think he made very sure I had the support I needed to get me through it.  All of my friends were wonderful.  Rhonda deserved a congressional medal of honor.  My dad and I had a talk we should have had years ago, and entered a new phase of our relationship.  So many blessings.  Miracles.  So many people to love me through the bad time.

Perspective is such a game-changer.  So I'm wearing Jason's ring, hearing from him every now and then, and hoping for the best.

***

Speaking of perspective.  The Affordable Care Act passed the Supreme Court bar today, pretty unexpectedly to everyone I think.  And people down here - some of whom I know that the law was specificially designed to help - are mad as wet hornets, and having a fit on Facebook.  Sigh.  Sometimes it's embarrassing to live in the south, as much as I love living here.

Did the law pass back-asswardsly?  Absolutely.  They rammed through unfinished and imperfect legislation just in time to get it through before mid-term elections, when the Republican congress would never have passed it - after which they would 'fix it later'.  That was totally the wrong way to do it.

Can the government cock this up?  Absolutely.  Anyone who has been in to the DMV in the last 10 years knows that the government can screw up almost anything.  Thi sis srue to be a painful process, and I'm sure additonal mistakes will be made.  I'm sure I won't agree with everything that comes to pass.

BUT.  Something had to give.  Health care costs in this country have risen 5% in the past year (the rate of inflation was reported in May 2012 at 1.7%).  They have risen so fast in recent years that a rise of 5% was greeted with RELIEF.    If that doesn't scare the poodoodle out of you it should.  So what is the solution?  If not government involvement, then what fixes it?

On popular cry is that the 'free market' will correct itself.  That is an obvious falsehood.  If it was going to do it then why didn't it do so already?  Health care is now a for-profit industry run by corporations.  Are they going to vountarily reduce their profits?  If so, why haven't they?  I don't understand why everyone wants to boil the oil companies in their own product when they continue to record record profits, but there doesn't some to be much anger left for greedy HMO's at this point, or drug companies recording fatter and fatter wallets.

Another argument is that 'we don't want to pay for poor people'.  Well guess what, you're doing it already.  The US spends one seventh of the GDP on healthcare, a larger share than any other major industrialized country.  Health insurance is now primarily provided by the government in the public sector, with 60-65% of healthcare provision and spending coming from programs such as Medicare, Medicaid, TRICARE, the Children's Health Insurance Program, and the Veterans Health Administration.  Indigent care is absorbed by those wonderful HMO's, and passed along as business expense, deducted from tax payment, and guess what - you're paying for that too.

The next argument is that "we have the best health care in the world".  Again not true.  Despite all those gobs of cash thrown at the problem: Life expectancy at birth in the USA, 78.49, is 50th in the world, below most developed nations and some developing nations. Monaco is first with 89.68. Angola is last with 31.88. US statistics are below the average life expectancy for the European Union.

So the big difference here is that the government would have a bigger say in costs, and would provide heath care more directly and of a standardized level, for poor people.  I don't have a problem with that.  So the government will patiently try to treat people, even here, as they try to bite the hand that's attempting to care for them.

Given the choice, I'd just as soon have government doing it as to have greedy corporations or HMO's in charge.   I don't think some regulation is going to make things that much worse than they are already.  I could be optimistic there, but as Albert Einstein said: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I think we were well overdue to try something different. 

***

After all of that, I was rather happy to come home to a quiet and cool house tonight.  Every day when I get home, I say a little prayer as I pull into the drive that my air conditioner is still working.  Since it is about twenty years old now, that  isn't an idle prayer.  Thankfully, it's still sticking in there.  I had thought I might work in the yard just a bit tonight, but when I got into the car and the temperature gauge said 100F for the first time this summer, I immediately ix-nayed that plan.

It was a quiet evening.  I had a tomato sandwich in a bowl for supper (which I love, thank you Todd), and watched the Chopped marathon.  I did a load of towels, just because the laundry hamper is full and I felt that I needed to make some progress on it.  I didn't even turn on the computer, despite a backlog of Bear411 messages.

A post in which there is more insomnia*

I of all people know there are worse problems, but geez does insomnia suck.  I was online about 4am or so, hoping that I would feel sleepy again.  While on there, I started talking to this guy who basically seemed desperate to meet, but I wasn't going to Anderson at this time of day.  I did lay down for a bit before the alarm went off, but didn't really go back to sleep.  But the day called me to begin anyway.

I had a nice little surprise at work today.  RBL go to lunch once a week, and they invited me to go with them today to Saffron.  Of course I said yes!  I love the food there.  Seeing them was a treat in the middle of the week and the middle of my day.  Making things even better, Logan picked up lunch :)  I went back to work stuffed with goodies, in need of a good nap only. 

I found the hoodie I wanted on sale on Target today.  They ran out of them in the store, and when I checked online after I went to see Mom they weren't on there, but they were today.  Shipping of course makes them much less of a bargain, but I ordered it anyway.  It was still less than $20.

I finished out the day and went home to host a visit from a guy I thought was a buddy, but who actually turned out to be a time-wasting nerve-eater. 

After he left, I foraged for supper in the kitchen.  I should have eaten peanut sauce veggies, which were ready, which won't last, and besides I ate out for lunch today; but I just didn't want them.  I watched some TV and spent too much time playing computer games.  I should have gone to bed long before I actually did.

A post in which I see Dad

I was up early this morning with insomnia, but that as OK.  I had stuff to do.  I used the extra time whipping up the peanut sauce to go on my veggie stir-fry for lunches this week.  I still haven't made rice, but I had left-over quiche from Sunday for lunch today, so I was fine.

I had put Dad off last week.  Tuesday night just wasn't going to work, and the rest of the week one or the other of us was busy.  But Tuesday nights are dinner with Dad nights, and I made a resolution to see more of my ole man.  So it was doubly important that I go tonight.  Also, he has the investment house he bought that he wants to show me.  For an additional treat, Eve sent me a text to tell me they were taking me to a new place for dinner. 

The restaurant was called Bimini's Oyster Bar.  It used to be a premier restaurant called The Terrace back in the day.  When we pulled in the place was slammed. There was no parking, but Dad just parked in front of the door.  We got the last table (I assume Eve had called for reservations, as she is wont to do).  The place was packed and noisy, and the tables are really close together, so they may be victims of their own success.  But the food was good, particularly the 'famous' fried fish, which was served in short but very thick fillets, so it stayed very moist.  The service was slow because they were so packed and busy (on a Tuesday night yet), but when we got our salads the blue cheese dressing was the best I have eaten in a restaurant in many a day.  Usually it's just sour mayonniase, and I have almost given up ordering it, but I took the chance tonight and was glad I did.  The shrimp was a bit over-cooked (but had a good flavor), and the fries were a bit cool (ditto).  The crab cake was tasty.  There weren't huge chunks of crab in it, but it wasn't full of bread either.  Each of the types of seafood seemed to have it's own distinct preparation and flavor - unlike in a fish camp, where there is just a vat of 'breading' that everything seems to go in.  All in all, it was a good meal, although probably not some place that I would go without them.

I noticed (and Eve actually pointed out) that the clientele was pretty much all well-heeled looking white poeple of a certain age - kind of the just-pre-geriatric country club set.  I got the impression that this was the place to be seen for that demographic at the mo (slumming it at some place that still had a full bar), so I figured that was as much an attraction for her as the food.

She chattered about the wedding (*groan*), which is big on her priority list at the mo.  Judy's daughter is getting married, and they are having the reception at the house.  She is deep in preparations.  I didn't talk much.  It was so noisy that Dad really couldn't hear me, so anything I said was just a private aside to Eve, or had to be repeated ad nauseum. 

After supper we dropped Eve at the house to run an errand and Dad took me to his house to show it to me.  It is a nice little place, and will be much nicer when he gets through fixing it up.  The location is good too.  The house itself is pretty small, but gives on to an impressively large and pretty deck/patio and back yard.  He's proud of it, and he should be.  He also introduced me to the two very nice (and very cute) guys working on the house.  Woof.

We returned to the house shortly before Eve blustered back in.  We had mostly amicable visit.  They had a bit of a tiff, but had settled down before I left.  I hate to leave them fighting. 

I had gotten in touch with my friend Jeff today, because he's starting his own business.  My yard is once again approaching 'unkempt rain forest' mode - in part because of the monsoon rains we've had this summer so far.  I'm not up to keeping up with it.  I'm hoping that changes, but right now my hips, legs, and feet are just killin' me.  So I asked him to come help me out.  It's a win/win.  I get some stuff done that I really need done, and I help him out at the same time.  Dad and Eve heard me talking to him this evening about pressure washing, and they may hire him to do some of that at their house before the wedding.  So even better.

I left with a bag of doughnut peaches.  Eve offered me some because they were too sweet for her (I know) and I took them because I'm almost out of fruit.  Having a couple of peaches would save me a trip to the store on the way home.  When I went to get a couple though, they were just almost gone - squelchy, some of them rotten, others just on the verge of being too ripe.  Because she wasn't going to be there tomorrow to see to them, she just gave me the lot.  I picked through them, threw out the bad ones, and headed home.

There was a Chopped marathon on tonight, and though my satellite dish is still acting up (I am REALLY hoping that it's just the remains of Tropical Depression Debbie, and that I don't have to shell out more $$ to get DirecTV to come out and re-aim it), I could watch it.  So I tuned in and turned in.

A post in which I have dinner with a friend

I had a lot to think about after the weekend.  Billy seems to be doing well, thank goodness. 

I had sent out an email, reluctantly telling the Kindred that I wouldn't be able to make it to Savannah for the 4th of July gathering.  I know that Jo Ann was very disappointed, but I had finally managed to get across to her why not.  Then Saturday I got a personal email from Lady Beth.   Oy.  I SO hate to disappoint people, particularly since the last time I had seen everyone (at the induction this spring), we had the business meeting kind of hanging over our heads.  The 4th is when the family just relaxes and enjoys each other - it is always such a nice, no-pressure time, which frankly we can all use.  I'm not the only family member who has had a rough time in the last year.  Today I responded to Lady Beth and explained why I couldn't make it.  I had already been through this with Jo Ann, pretty intensely, but it was important to me that she understand why.  My stamina for sitting still is just not what it was, and with month end coming up I would only have been able to stay one full day, which would mean I would be hurting when I got home.  It would be a lot of driving.  Sigh. 

I also had things to think about with Jason, of course.  He made no ceremony of it at all, but Friday night when we were at the shop, he slipped a ring off of his finger and onto mine.  He didn't say anything, just put it on me.  Of course a ring is a piece of jewelery with a lot of cultural freight.  I wasn't sure how I felt about that.  I don't usually wear rings because they bug me, but of course that wasn't the issue.  I had thought about wearing it yesterday, but left it at the house by mistake.  When I realized I didn't have it on, I panicked because I thought I had lost it, but of course I had not.  This morning, I decided I wanted to wear it, so I put it on without over-thinking why (most unusual for yours truly).  It was kind of like having a little piece of Jason with me today.  It made me feel valued.  Cherished.  Taken.  In a good way.  It's hard to describe.  It was kind of nice to think about belonging to someone a bit again.  It was nice to think about him puttin' a ring on it.

Now I rarely notice such things, but I wasn't at work two hours before Larney at work demanded to know where the ring came from and what it meant.  Of course I had no answer for the latter.  But it did reinforce the cultural baggage of a ring.  Which oddly just didn't bother me.

I had my whole evening laid out for tonight.  There were chores I needed to do that I kind of blew off yesterday.  But as quitting time approached I had a text from James inviting me for dinner.  I wanted to see James to check in on him.  Since the break-up with Jeff, I've only seen him once.  He seems to be doing fine.  He's young, gorgeous, charming, and has a good career opportunity he's working on right now, but I though he might want to talk. 

It was good to see James.  He looks fantastic of course.  We went to Papas and Beer for supper and had nachos and talked.  He still sounds good.  We're all growing up (although that little *&^^%$#@!! still got carded for beer).  He sounds like he has his head wrapped around this breakup thing and has made his peace with it.  We had a nice supper, and he drove me home in his new car, which is very nice.  We visited for a while and then he headed on back to Justin's.  It was great to see him, and I feel really good about where he is.  I'm glad for him, and very happy that he's doing so well. 

It was raining (again!) and the satellite was messed up, so I put in an old Basil Rathbone Sherlock Holmes movie and turned in.  Tonight it was Sherlock Holmes in Washington.

A post in which I spend the day in the kitchen*

Jason and I were up at a reasonable hour this morning, but we had taken sleeping pills the night before.  We both got a good night's sleep.  It's been so long since I slept with another person that I have problems with it usually, but with Jason, I didn't seem to have a huge problem.  Part of that is that he doesn't try to snuggle me when I'm trying to sleep.  I don't do well with that. 

After greeting the day in proper fashion, he showered up while I fixed coffee and got a start on breakfast.  He had to go see his dad today.  He had intended to leave much earlier, but ended up being at the house talking to me for a while after breakfast.  We were both reluctant for him to go.  But go he did, eventually.

I lazed around for a bit, but I had stuff I needed to do today.  I had put in some facon bacon bits to soak this morning (my own recipe), but was out of tamari, so I had to go to the store before I could start cooking in earnest.  I ran to Publix to pick up a few things, then got home and got down to business.

I made two quiches (fake Quiche Lorrain with some tomatoes added because I had so many in the house).  They turned out nicely, but the crusts were just torn all to pieces because I had dropped them this morning, ironically because I am always uber-careful to get them home quickly and intact.  Thawing and mooshing them back together before baking didn't seem to help much.

I also had the vegetables that Jason had brought to do something with.  They were pretty much on their last legs, so they needed to be used up today.  They stir-fried up pretty well, and I figured I would make some peanut sauce to go on them and just eat them with brown rice.  There were a surprising amount of vegetables in the bag though, and by the time I got the stir-fry done, I realized that I had made too much food for the week.  Stir-fry doesn't freeze well (although it can be done), but I thought I would check in with Billy to see if any of this largess would help them out. 

As it turns out, Billy was tickled with the idea of quiche, and invited me over.  They had a lot of salad stuff that people had brought by to help them out during his convalescence, which of course would go perfectly with quiche.

By the time the quiche finished baking, and I got cleaned up and ready to go, it was about supper time, and it was raining.  But I managed to get loaded up without too much trouble, and it wasn't raining on their side of town, so unloading was much less of an issue.

I chopped veggies for salad and fed the dogs while Billy sat down for a bit (I finally talked him in to doing that), and Russ and Logan got cleaned up.  They had been working in the yard today.

The movie tonight was Lars and the Real Girl.  I bought it a couple of weeks ago for cheap at the flea market and had been waiting to watch it with Logan, who also hadn't seen it and wanted to.  It was a surprisingly sweet movie.  I wish people were really like that.  Unfortunately, I can't see a real town rallying round in such a fashion.  I'm also not sure it would be good for a person suffering from delusions for everyone around them to reinforce that.  But it was a very interesting premise for a movie, and I thought Ryan Gosling did a brilliant job with the role (it probably didn't hurt that he is ravishingly gorgeous. I am such a man sometimes).  My heart was just breaking for him in the beginning, and he managed to make what could have been a creepy kinda guy endearing and lovable. 

I would have loved to stay and talk about the movie afterwards, but it was already well past my bedtime.  I headed home to turn in. 

A post in which it is Saturday with Jason*

Jason woke me up in the most lovely way this morning.  Would that I could wake up like that every day.

He came in yesterday with a bag of vegetables.  I had been under the impression that he grew them himself, but I found out today that he had acually purchased them from the local farmer's market.  I'm not sure, but I think they may be taking advantage of him.  The things he had were pretty old and not-so-fresh looking.  Nonetheless, I know that produce doesn't have to be perfect to be tasty.  I gamely pulled some o' the veggies out of the bag and whipped up a pan of sauteed veggies with cheese, eggs, and toast.  It was pretty tasty.  I had intended to make Quiche Lorraine today (with facon bacon bits), but by the time we got up and I factored in  the preparation of the ingredients and the baking of the quiche, it just seemed like too much time. 

After eating we both got ready to face the day, and then tried to decide what to do with it.  I got in touch with Justin, but he was gone to the beach.  Miss Kat and Dana were white-water rafting today (dying to know how that went).  Logan and Billy were home, and Russ was at work.  I had some errands I needed to run.

Eventually we just decided to run a few errands, have lunch, and then drop by to see Billy.

We ran by CVS, and by the library to drop off some books.  We couldn't decide what to eat for lunch.  I had originally decided we would go to Acropolis in Taylors, which has good food, nice servers, and is near Russ and Billy's house; but on the way there Jason told me he was going to beg off the visit to Billy to go see his dad. 

After re-calculating the route (we were already on the way) we ended up at Adams Bistro.  They have good sandwiches and I was in the mood for one.  I had been in the mood for a tuna melt (one of my favorite sandwiches ever) and they do a good one at Acropolis.  There is one on the menu at Adams also, but after seeing the Po Boy on the menu, I couldn't resist.  I loves me a Po Boy like a fat boy loves cake.  Plus the one on the menu was made with buffalo shrimp.  I mean I'm not made of steel.  I also had a side of their orzo pasta salad.  They have a way with orzo.  Jason had a salad, and he seemed to be pleased with it.  I had forgotten how good the food there was.

After lunch I gave in to temptation.  The SOS Thrift Store is near there, and I had been meaning to duck in there for a while now.  I had virtuously resisted going to the flea market or going antiquing today, so I felt as if I deserve some reward.  So we went in.  I had intended to just do a casual run-through, but Jason (as is frequently the case with people who don't usually visit such places) was pretty into the whole experience place.  We ended up spending a lot more time than I intended. 

Afterwards, I ran him back to the house, got the get well card (which I had forgotten) and ran through the store to get some flowers before heading to RBL's place.  Billy is sore, but seemed in good spirits, and appreciated the flowers.  I ended up vegging over there for a while, and watching the end of some awful 'romance' movie while we waited for Russ to get in from the shop.  Logan worked on some free-lance work for a while, and then Jason called to say he was free.  I had him meet me at their place.

We went to El Matador for supper, and the food was just as good as always. Jason rather led the conversation with a discussion of our personal favorite and worst movies, which was interesting. We all enjoyed it. Afterwards we went back to their place, stopping on the way for ice cream and chunk n' bake cookies for dessert. We watched Burlesque tonight. I hadn't seen it but had been meaning to. The numbers were really good, with the exception of Cher's ballad, which frankly didn't do much for me, as great as I think she is. Whenever I watch her now, I'm thinking Geez, she looks great to be 8,002. It's true, she does look great, even when you consider that she's the same age as my parents. She does use a lot of tricks though - the fringe, the airbrushed makeup (of which she was wearing a LOT), the wigs, the frantic professional backup dancers flailing all around her as she barely moves, etc - but still it's pretty amazing. During a lot of her scenes I was sitting there thinking about how much effort had to go into each one for lighting, posing, artful draping of hair, etc. Um as far as Christina Aguilara goes, well I can say that as an actress, she's a terrific singer. The story is pretty awful, but the musical numbers are fantastic. The cast is gorgeous, you just have to get past the bad acting, ridiculous premise, and wincingly bad dialogue. None of that is an issue for me - I love movies with built-in pee breaks. I'm just warning you.

By the time the movie was over, we were all ready for bed. Jason and I headed home ot turn in. It had been a long day, with a lot of running around for both of us.

A post in which Jason comes*

It was a mostly quiet day at work today.  We did have a little rush right before the end of the day, but I was able to handle it all.

I heard from Russ, who confirmed we were all meeting at the shop tonight, and I heard from Jason, who was en route.  I left work to run by the grocery store because I was out of eggs.  I thought that I would at least need to cook breakfasts while he was here.  I picked up a few things, and when I got to the house he was waiting.  We went in, greeted each other, and headed for the shop.

Miss Kat and Dana were there, along with Helen.  The boys were at home because of Billy's surgery.  Russ cut all of our hair, and then we all went our separate ways.  Jason got along beautifully and fit right in with everyone.  Everyone likes him - even Helen, and she doesn't like many people.  While we were at the shop, he slipped a ring from his hand onto my pinkie.  Not a terribly expensive ring, but rings carry a big load of social connotation.  More than ever, I need to know if he means that, and what that means for the next year.

After some discussion, Jason and I ended up grabbing dinner from Joy of Tokyo.  They actually have pretty good food, and it wasn't as heavy a some of the things we could have eaten.  On the way there, as on the way to the shop, we talked about where we are, and what his expectations are.  I felt a lot better after we talked.  The primary reason he wants to move back is to be closer to his dad.  He moved back from Europe in 2009 because of his mother's poor health, and then ended up moving to NC.  He wasn't around as much for his mother as he would have liked to be, and wants to be here for his father, who also apparently isn't doing so well.  He understands that when he moves back, we're not going shopping for a house on day 1, and he agrees with me that it's good to take some time to get to know each other.  We have the 'click', and all my friends seem to love him (surprisingly, his friend Rodney is reported to like me too - who knew?), so we have a good start, but we need to be sure before we take steps.  I had always said I would have at least a year of engagement before I took the plunge, and Michael and I ended up with nine months.  Would those extra three months have made a difference?  I don't know - probably not.  But I'm not rushing headlong into anything, and I was greatly relieved that he wasn't proposing that.

When we got back to my place, we started a discussion of movies.  We have some differing tastes.  He had brought his copy of American Beauty, which I hated.  He was astounded (as indeed most people seem to be), and this led to a discussion of other movies that we loved/hated.  He asked about The Color Purple, which was one of my favorites for years - a movie I have probably watched a dozen times. I loved that movie until I actually met Oprah Winfrey, after which it just didn't pack the same emotional resonance with me.  Jason was astonished and incredulous that I had met Oprah (well, I don't know that I met her, but I was on the show), and that led to a discussion of Angela, and her movie Searching for Angela Shelton.

I have a copy of the movie at the house, and we ended up watching it.  It's quite a tour de force, and it's been a while since I've seen it.  Jason had a hard time watching it, at times seeming so upset that I asked him if he wanted me to turn it off, but we finished it.  We had some discussion afterwards (I had kind of been giving him side notes throughout), but by the time the movie was over it was getting late, and we were pretty much all in. 

We went to bed.  This evening certainly didn't go the way I expected.  But it was a good evening, and since I hadn't told him about my past, that was something he needed to know.  Since the goal is our getting to know each other better, I think we're on a fast track to that.

A post in which I am becoming Ouiser

Apparently I am entering my proper state for southern menopausal womanhood.  I doubt that Shirley MacLain's character in Steel Magnolias sucked as much cock as I do (I make no speculation or estimate of the amount of wood that Ms. MacLain herself is in fact smoking at this stage of her life), but otherwise I'm pretty much living the role.

I was up early to slice and plate the brownies for the Cancer Center.  I had picked up some plates at the Dollar Tree a couple of weeks ago so I wouldn't have to use plastic or disposable (ew).  Since I was running a bit late for the extra errand I ended up packing up breakfast to eat at my desk later.  My chemo nurse, Cassie the angel, was working, and she got me back to the nurses area.  I brought the brownies today because it was Stacy's birthday.  She had vacillated on whether or not she wanted brownies until I finally just asked her what to do, and she told me to bring them today.  I had put it on my calendar so I wouldn't forget.  The problem was she was not at work today.  Well I tried.  The other nurses said that they would just celebrate without her, and would save her a couple of the brownies.

I went into work where I fended off a lot of complaints and interference today.  I have one particularly bitchy account that has gone on and on to the point that I've had to compose and delete several emails.  He tried to get around me by going to sales today, and they got one of our more obstructive managers involved in the situation.  I finally just ended up having to clean house of all the extraneous employees trying to get their fingers in my pie, and sent the account an email laying things out.

Jason was supposed to be back today, but I didn't hear from him as to ETA.  When I got in touch with him his plans had changed and he was coming tomorrow, which was fine. 

Billy had his back surgery today.  I was trying to stay on top of the situation, and fortunately Russ and Logan did a good job keeping me informed.  Since Jason wasn't coming tonight anyway, and I thought I might be of some use, I navigated the eterni-line at CVS, changed, and then headed for the hospital.

Billy seemed to be doing well.  He was lucid and didn't seem to be hurting a lot.  We visited for a mo, but Logan had been promised a trip to the local McDonald's for some Pokemon toys that they had as a premium at the mo, plus we needed some supper.  We repaired to Augusta Road, where we swung in to a Chinese restaurant called Oriental House.  I have a checkered past with the location, because the former restaurant that was there, Happy China, was oxymoronically named.  I was unlucky enough to purchase one of the worst Chinese meals I have ever eaten there.  But the location is under new ownership and has a different name now, so I was game. 

When we walked in, I immediately ran into my friend Kimberly and her husband Danny.  Danny is retired, but looks fantastic - younger than the last time I saw him.  Kim didn't have any makeup on.  She looked tired.  Still, it was good to see them, and I caught up with them a tiny bit before I went on to join Russ and Logan.  I had shrimp lo mein which was actually quite good, if a bit expensive for what it was. 

After supper we headed for the house to feed their dogs, and then back to the hospital.  By the time we did all that, I was pretty much wiped.  I just am so tired by the end of the day now.  I suppose it could be worse.

As I got into the bed, I got a text.  It was from a guy named Patrick.  He's in Asheville and I've been talking to him for a couple of months now.  We've been kind of gravitating towards meeting, but the distance is an issue for him.  Of course now that Jason says he's coming back, I'm not sure how to act towards Patrick.  But he's conspicuously gorgeous and charming.  I have been pussy-footing around talking to him all week, so tonight I finally called him and told him the T.  He was pretty good about it.

After all that, I was all in.  I turned on Sweet Genius, rolled over, and turned off.

A post in which things are a little more back to normal

After work today I got a call from Dana - which is always a good thing :)  She wanted to come see me tonight, and I was of course delighted.

I also heard from Jason today, who asked me to send him a picture.  I had a semi-decent pic of me in my phone, so I obliged.  We talked for a little bit on the way home.  I also heard from a guy named Patrick.  I've been talking to him for a while now, but he has just recently apparently decided to think about actually meeting.  He is conspicuously gorgeous, and funny, but we have not yet had the talk of T yet.  We had been talking about my going up there this weekend, but now I don't think I want to do that right now.  Jason is supposed to be back Thursday.  So before it was NO men, and now you'd think I was putting out some kind of guy-dar or something.  All them bees be buzzin' around my flower.  It seems to be feast or famine!

In the meantime, I had stuff to do.  It is Stacy's birthday tomorrow at the Cancer Center, and she told me that's when she wanted her thank you brownies, so I went home to make them.  I got my brownies in the oven, and decided to make some supper.  I still had mediocre Chinese food in the fridge, but had decided to throw it in with some of the new Gardein Madarin Ficken I had bought a couple of weeks ago.  It had been languishing in the freezer because I had thought for some reason that I could just throw it in the microwave, which was not the case.  Anyway, I threw it in the pan, thawed it out, and mixed in the leftover Chinese, along with the sauce packet.  Now frankly the sauce packet I could have taken or left, but the ficken was divoon - really great.  I would order that in a restaurant all day long, were it available.  I foresee more of that stuff going in my shopping cart. 

I also had time to pull the brownies out of the oven and change the sheets before Dana got there.

We had a nice visit, and I talked to her about the Jason situation.  She seemed to be able to understand where I was coming from.  Dana is conspicuously level-headed, and a good person to cut through the bullshit to the heart of the matter.  I felt better after talking to her. 

After she left, I consumed 6-8 pounds of cookies and went to bed.

A post in which I am confused and rather discouraged*

I woke this morning to have my head still kind of in a tizz about all that happened yesterday.  I had just decided to concentrate on work when I got a text.  I had invited my buddy Eric over this morning.  I really wasn't that keen on his coming, but I hate to leave a pal high and dry.  I told him to come on over.

I made it to work early and started bangin' stuff out.  I got my desk caught up and under control, and got my write-offs turned in for processing.  In short order all was as it should be. 

My head, on the other hand, remained stubbornly befuddled.  I am confused about the whole Jason thing.  This is what I wanted; but it seems to be presented to me as a  fait accompli, already decided and tied up neatly in a bow.  This is triggering some kind of automatic push-back in my contrary mind.  It also just seemed to come out of the blue.  Plus, frankly, he doesn't have the best track record in the world for sticking around.  Sigh.  This is what I have been pining for, supposedly, but now that it just has kind of landed in my lap I feel kind of like foie gras goose being force-fed.  It's of course completely illogical, but then I am just not known for my abundant logic I guess. 

By the end of the day I was no closer to feeling good about this, and this morning just really confused everything.  The L-word has been exchanged.  So am I cheating now?  Should I change my relationship status on Facebook?  He says it's going to take a year for him to wrap things up in NC.  We need to do more talking and less 'napping' the next time I see Jason.

I don't know why I was feeling so discouraged, but I couldn't deny the feeling.  On the way home, I was like screw it.  I turned in to Buffalo Wild Wings to drown my sorrows in the fried appendages of helpless birds who have done me no harm.  Again completely illogical.  But I wanted them, and didn't have the moral fortitude in me to resist tonight.  I usually feel more guilty afterwards, so it isn't a good feeling.  I pay for the indulgence.  But indulge I did.  I try not to do this too often.  I don't want it to become a habit.  I don't want to be a chicken-wingaholic.  But tonight it seemed like a minor vice to gratify.  My waitress was super nice too. 

Afterwards I went home, feeling vaguely disgusted with myself, as I usually do when I fall off the wagon.  Pretty much all I wanted to do was hit the sack, which I did.

Then I got a text.  The phone was all the way across the room, and I had just decided to look at it in the morning when the it rang.  It was Russ.  "Are you coming to dinner?" he asked.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  Apparently they were all out for sushi, and my friend Brian told them I had been invited and accepted.  I don't know who he contacted, but it was not me.  I explained this to Russ.  Then I sent Brian a text, basically telling him to separate my number from the trick lettuce (an out of vogue expression for those slips of paper that collect in your wallet which have scribbled on them the numbers of casual 'acquaintances') in his phone and make sure he contacted the right person.  But I had contacted the wrong Brian (which in an odd way was rather karmic).  Now it was his turn to not know what was going on.  I apologized, and Brian was very nice about it.

It has just been an strange day all the way 'round. 

I turned on Snow White, rolled over, and turned off the day, ending it on competing notes of denial, escapism, and regression.

A post in which I get to see Jason*

When I got up and started moving around this morning, I started thinking about the fleeting nature of life.  I thought about the limited chances to see Jason, and that I would have to wait all day to see him.  I ended up sending a text to tell him to come on to the house. 

It was very good to see Jason, as always.  We always just seem to pick up right where we left off.  My feelings about him are conflicted.  On the one hand, when we're together it's very intense.  It feels right.  He says I'm his perfect type, and he's as close to mine as I have ever dated.  And how like a man to go right to the physical.  But we feel the same way about many things.  We agree on politics, and getting along, and goals in life, stuff like that.  He also has a troubled relationship with his father.

On the other hand, my dad will hate him because he's a parselmouth.  Doesn't really bother me, but will crawl up Dad's crack about a mile.  And he's geographically undesirable.  He moved 4.5-5 hours away about two weeks after we met.  I'm just not willing to move, and that's too far away for a long distance thing for me. 

We greeted each other enthusiastically and spent several hours getting re-acquainted.  It was really great to see him again.  We are just as into each other as ever.  Eventually, though, we needed food.  We continued talking over lunch at Liberty Tap Room.  Although they have taken my favorite blue cheese cole slaw off the menu, they still do a good Ceasar salad, and the salmon was just as good as the last time I was there (I just don't seem to be able to get enough salmon lately, for some reason). 

Over lunch, Jason dropped a pretty big bombshell.  He's decided to finish up some things at this job and then move back here.  Basically, he says he's coming back for me.  I can't decide how I feel about this, but at the time I was pretty much blind-sided.  On the one hand, I wish he had never left.  On the other, this is not the first time he has showed up and made fervent declarations, only to disappear back into the ether.  So I was happy, excited, confused, and skeptical all at the same time. 

After lunch, he said he wanted to go look at possible houses.  I haven't thought about moving in years, although I have said before that I would never cohabitate in my current house again, it's just too small.  Just last week, though, I was thinking that a town home or patio home of some kind would actually suit me better.  I am sick to death of keeping up with a yard that I never use.  Kind of in a daze, I rode around with him looking at places.  It was rather surreal.  I just kind of went along kind of as if I was in a dream.  We have very similar taste in houses too. 

We headed back to my place after a while, where the idea was that we would lie down for a while, but of course no nap was in the offing.  It was rather like a 'nap'.  He was there for a while, but eventually, and long overdue, he had to go connect with his family.  He was officially in town to see his dad, who isn't doing well in the wake of his mother's passing. 

After he left, I just kind of shut down for a while.  I ate some left-over pizza from Sunday night and turned in.  It had been a good, tiring, and rather bewildering day.

A post in which it is Father's Day

I knew I had to get moving this morning, but I had a text from Eve explaining that no, actually, I didn't even have as much time as I thought I did.  Lunch, which I had thought would be at 11:30am, was actually at 11am.  Geez Louise, who the hell eats lunch at 11am??  Well apparently we all do, on Father's Day.  Of course I wasn't going to make a stink.  That was for later. 

I got ready and headed out.  Lisa, as per usual, was running late.  And she didn't even have the baby today.  I'm just sayin'.  That was fine.  I went on to the restaurant, because we had reservations and so they would be waiting there at the table.  Unsurprisingly, we were the first people there. 

Lunch went well.  We were at Lieu's, which they like.  Having learned how to eat there (I was initially underwhelmed), I like it too now.  I had been craving salmon today, and had a hunk o' that (a pretty small hunk for the price - $17, and a bit over-done too actually, but tasty).  After lunch there was a bit of jockeying for the check.  Dad was going to pay, but I just drew the line at his paying for his own Father's Day lunch.   I hadn't even bought him a gift, because he is impossible to buy for.  Anything he wants, he has, and if he doesn't have it, he doesn't want it.  To make matters worse, Rhonda had sent some of her brownies to Cole (they really aren't good for her diabetes).  I would have made Dad something (I used to make him pies) but now that he is diabetic I feel bad about making him sweets.  Then Lisa was insisting on chipping in for lunch.  Lisa, who has no money, two kids to raise, and is in the midst of the divorce from hell.  I nicely but firmly told them all that I would just pay for lunch.

We went back to the house for a visit.  Eve, having no qualms about giving Dad sweets, had bought a German chocolate pie for dessert.   I have been asking Dad and Eve for a picture of my grandmother that I took as a child.  It was commandeered for a family picture collage that hung in the old house, but they didn't hang the collage in the new house.  Eve had a box of pictures that she thought contained my old photo.  We spend the afternoon going through a huge box of pictures, but the one I was looking for wasn't in there.  Grrr.  Still it was nice going back through the old pictures, many of which I had forgotten.  It was quite a time capsule.  There were pictures of Lisa's first wedding, and pictures of me in high school.  I picked out a picture of me leaving for the senior prom to take with me.  It was nice, but it was bittersweet to look at how young and skinny I used to be.  It took me back to a time before I was so jaded.  I wasn't happy - most of high school was torture for me - but it really brought home how much water has gone under the bridge.  I was also a bit worried that there were pictures of Cindy, Paul, and Brenden in there.  This close to Brenden's birthday, especially, Eve is pretty much a powder-keg of emotion waiting to blow; but she did pretty well today, although I was studiously shunting those pictures to the side. 

Me, leaving for the prom, spring 1985.  Sigh.  I was so thin then, and I thought I was just borderline of beast-ugly.  BTW, that's an Alexander Julian 'Colours' lavender dinner jacket.  I was at the HEIGHT of fashion LOL

Lisa and Dad did much better than I had feared.  He's been haranguing her about selling their boat, but she can't because the property settlement isn't finalized yet.  Why this doesn't seem to register is beyond me, but he's like a dog with a bone.  This is one of the things she's frustrated about.  When he brought it up (yet again) today, I kind of weighed in and had her back (there really isn't anything she can do about it right now), and he didn't pursue it, which was nice.

By the end of the afternoon though, I felt rather wrung out.  As I was leaving, Lisa slipped money into my car for her portion of lunch.  She pointed it out, then jumped in her car and left.  At that point, I figured if she was that determined, there was little I could do.  Whatever.

Dana had called me earlier in the day, and I gratefully repaired to their place for a visit and to relax for a bit.  We ordered pizza and made an evening of it.  They caught me up a bit on their trip to Kentucky and stuff like that.  It was good to see them, as always. 

I heard from Jason today.  I haven't heard from him in a while.  He was here when his mother died this past winter.  I was in treatment at the time, and although he vowed to stay in better touch, neither one of us did.  But he wants to see me tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to it.  He's a special guy.  If nothing else, after the last month of rejections I could use the shoring up.

A post in which we celebrate Rhondee's birthday

I found out on Wednesday last week that it was Rhonda's birthday.  I had taken her out for dinner on Monday night and she had never said peep one.  Go figure.  Mother did tell me "You realize, of course, that you're supposed to remember this.  You shouldn't need to be told."  She is of course absolutely correct, and that passive-aggressiveness (which seems to be inherent in male/female relationships) is one of the many reasons that I would make a terrible heterosexual.  Rhonda of course emailed me to tell me that it was fine, and that dinner out Monday was what she considered her present.  She is a peach.

But of course I wanted to do something for her.  Russ had gotten in touch to tell me that we were taking her to dinner tonight.  Presumably she enjoyed our little trip to Kannika's earlier this week, because she again opted for Thai, which of course suited me just fine and dandy.

I went on to the flea market to get produce, because I knew that I would spend a lot of time tomorrow with Father's Day luncheon.  I have been craving squash casserole, so I went to my favorite website and looked up a recipe for one.  I have a kind-of recipe in my head (who uses a written recipe for squash casserole?), but decided to try an actual recipe to see if I could cut out some of the gratuitous fat and Campbell's creamy soup.  I love 'em, and was raised eating Campbell's soup in things.  Indeed my tiny Steve palate was conditioned to expect them in certain dishes, but they have God-only-knows what kind of chemical stabilizers, emulsifiers, and various Dow Chemical detritus in them (actually, I just looked up the ingredients, and about the worst to be found is MSG, my apologies to the Campbells' folks).  I thought if worst came to worst, I could toddle on up to Whole Foods for some organic cream soups, at least.  My favorite website came through though, and I found a highly-rated recipe that had no soup in it at all.  I was game. 

I went and bought beautiful squash and zucchini from my favorite produce vendor.  I also picked up some pretty (if troublingly hard) white peaches.  I've been dying for peaches, and they are finally coming in.  I went home and proceeded to casserole-ize the veggies.  I had a lot, so I ended up with three casseroles.  A regular 2 quart, a vintage 1 quart, and a tiny also-vintage like pint one.  I divided up the 2 quart for lunches, decided to take the medium one to Rhonda and Tony, and ate the tiny one for lunch.  It turned out pretty good.  Unusual for a squash casserole, although considering the ingredients, it tasted much more conventional than I expected it to.

I also made a pan of brownies.  I have been getting a lot of mileage out of that recipe of late.  They are just SO good.  They are the best brownies I have ever eaten.  I'm not blowing my own horn here - my homemade brownies sucked before I found this recipe.  But it is a great recipe.  Rhonda had been wanting to taste them, but she never seemed to be there when I took them for something, so it was the perfect thing to bring tonight. 

My brownies, as yet un-garnished because they were still warm.  This recipe is gorgeously delicious, but because of the chocolate chips I add they come out looking rather like the lunar landscape.  I always dust them with powdered sugar for aesthetic reasons before serving.

Dinner tonight was at Thai Taste in Spartanburg.  The food at Thai Taste is gorgeously delicious.  I was a bit trepidatious because the last time I was there I was a little disappointed; but that was during treatment, so there were extenuating circumstances that might have had nothing to do with the food.  The screaming baby that was there that time didn't help either.  Happily, my fears were without justification, and our food tonight was magnificent, as before.   

After supper we headed to the house for dessert.  Russ had decided that we needed ice cream to go with the brownies, and although I privately felt that this was not only unnecessary but vaguely insulting, I got over myself and went along with it.  They were Rhonda's birthday brownies, and if she wanted to adulterate my scratch goodness with store-boughten ice cream, well that was her prerogative. 

Every now and then though, fate just gives you a little present.  Russ and Logan were at the register debating over who was going to pay for the ice cream, when the clerk interjected "Father's Day doesn't start until tomorrow..."  I will brazenly admit that I literally clapped my hands with glee when this anecdote was relayed to me.  Schadenfreude is such an ugly emotion to have to admit, but I did indulge.  (Eh screw it, he has two husbands.)  Not only did I indulge though; I held that little gem quietly to my heart and cherished it like a precious until later in the evening, when I reminded Russ that Father's Day didn't start until tomorrow, after all.  I can be such a shit sometimes.  It is a miracle that my friends put up with me and love me anyway.

Dessert was pleasant (the ice cream, a brand I had never heard of called Turkey Hill, was actually surprisingly good) and I enjoyed seeing and visiting with everyone.  We got sucked into a marathon of Oddities, a show I don't watch that often, but which is strangely compelling.  Eventually, though, I had to pull myself away.  I had an early lunch tomorrow.  I dropped Rhonda by her place and went on home.  I think she enjoyed herself.

A post in which I am poorly

Since I slept well Wednesday night, I paid for it by sleeping remarkably badly last night.  I woke up feeling like a road map that had been folded back up incorrectly and shoved into a too-small glovebox.  I use this analogy knowing that no one over 35 (except for Justin) is going to have the remotest idea what I mean.  Road map?  I hear you asking.  Well if you're that young, your life is probably pretty fucking wonderful to start with, not that you appreciate it you ungrateful puppy.

In short, I woke up like a grumpy old man.  But I digress.

Lisa called today to tell me that Father's Day was not going to be pretty.  Dad is making her nuts, and because the rest of her life pretty much sucks anyway, she's had a bellyful of it.  I was warned that if the started in on her Sunday, Father's Day or not, she was basically going to let him hold it.  Great.

I asked her about the divorce (which seems to just drag on and on and on), to be told that yes, in fact, the one year anniversary of the separation was coming up, but because her ex was being a complete dildo that this could drag on for another several months.  She went on to explain in detail the various ways that her life was sucking, to which I could only reply "I'm sorry." Which was of absolutely no use whatsoever.  I felt like a completely useless tool.  But I can't fix this.  If I would I could.

I understand from my reading of late that women just feel the need to vent, to talk, to recite their sorrows like rosary beads (i.e. Eve and the Brenden situation).  Men as a rule do not do this.  When men hear a problem (I'm speaking generally here) the immediate instinct (inclination, drive, use whichever word you will) is to find a solution to fix the problem.  This is one of the fundamental differences in the sexes, according to the experts.  It makes sense to me.  Having been given a Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come warning of something to dread, I rung off. 

I messed around on Facebook for a while tonight, chatting with Danny.  I enjoyed it.  I really like him.  He is my favorite of Justin's boyfriends (even the legendarily gorgeous Heath).  But I couldn't decide if I was flirting or not.  That would be wrong, but flirting for me is so natural (vis a vis my natural hodom) that I don't always realize that I'm doing it.  Also, Justin can be kind of possessive at times.  So I just tried to watch what I said, enjoy the conversation, and trusted Danny to monitor the propriety thereof.  It was probably one of those situations where I was wrestling with myself in my head for absolutely no reason.  He seemed fine. 

I also talked to a guy I used to kind of date named Walter.  He was really nice, and after Michael left I thought we might end up together, but the contact has been sporadic at best.  I have mixed feelings about that situation.  When we dated before he was heavily closeted and living in an apartment near Bob Jones U, so he was most paranoid about the neighbors finding out about him.  I didn't deal well with that.  But he has since moved.  I don't know.  We're talking.  Kind of.  I don't think either one of us is really expecting anything to come of it, but I like him.

I chatted with another guy I've been talking to kind of on and off named Matt.  I like him too, but he's pretty vanilla, and I'm doubting that he would survive the whole T discussion without running screaming for the hills.  He does sound like a nice guy though.  He was trying to sandwich seeing me in with going out for drinks with friends and a bunch of other stuff he had going on, and finally I was just like "Enough."  I wished him well and sent him out with his girlfriends.

I ate left-over Chinese tonight.  It hadn't been very good originally, but after I re-vamped it with some stuff that I had here it was pretty good, albeit salty (I had a bit of a heavy hand with the soy sauce).  I like that I can do stuff like that now.  I am much better versed in Asian-type ingredients than I used to be.

A post in which I get much done

I woke up this morning feeling like a human being again, which was pleasant.  Nine or so hours o' shut-eye will do that for ya. 

I went in to work to make the fur fly.  Alan is supposed to be out of the office for the rest of the month (vacation, and then a trip to Shangdu - better him than me), so I had to get my write-offs done this week.  Thankfully there weren't many, and I got them done and in for signature. 

After work I went home and virtuously (and finally) ate left-overs out of the fridge.  Tonight I ate the remains of Rhonda's curry from Kannika's and it was delicious.  I didn't even have to cook rice, because the waiter had put more rice in the doggy bag when he packed it up.  Lovely. 

A post in which I have a pleasant surprise

Well I woke up feeling like dogshit this morning.  I had been up ate 3am becqause I was hurting too badly to sleep.  Eventually I got up and took a pill, and got back to sleep.  I had two meetings today so I dragged myself to the office anyway.

The first meeting was exactly as dildonic as I had expected, but since the idiot who called it had scheduled it for a time when he was actually due in another meeting with our boss, it was blessedly brief.  The second was re-scheduled for later in the day, and was relatively painless.

I knew that Dad had Cole's car fixed, and the last I heard the plan was that he would re-claim it on Father's Day this weekend.  Apparently Cole couldn't wait, because I got a message from Mom today that they were in town to get the car, and would I like to have dinner.  Well of course I would.  I had started to feel a bit better during the course of the day, which made my outlook much better.  I had been afraid that my post-chemo crap was getting worse - it was a great relief to find that I'd just had a bug that's been going around the office.

About 4:30 Eve called me to set up where I was going to dinner with Mom and Cole.  I know.  Awkward.  I just got in touch via text and set it up.  They came to the office this afternoon, but by the time they got here everyone was gone.  I still took them around and showed them off a little bit.

We went to Paisano's for dinner.  It's close to the office so we wouldn't have to fight rush hour traffic.  The spinach and feta pizza is one of the best I have ever eaten, and the house salad dressing is freakin' addictive - there has to be crack in it or something.  Cole and I split a pizza, and I caught up a little with both of them.  It's always good to see either of them, and the two together was a treat.  Mom seems to be doing fine post-breakup.  I made her let me buy them dinner since she would only take $11 curtain rods for Christmas the other weekend.

After supper, I was done.  I was feeling better than I have been, much to my relief, but I was still wiped.  I followed my original plan to go home and go to bed.

A post in which I am hurting

I'm not sure why. 

When I woke up this morning I went into the kitchen and then remembered that I had no french press to make coffee.  That's Defcon-1 at my house.  I ended up pouring the coffee and boiling water into a thermos, and then straining the resulting brew back out.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  It wasn't bad.  There were a lot of grounds in the bottom, which I should have been expecting; but they rinsed out of my mouth.  Eventually.

I got through the day at work.  It's hard when you feel bad, but after chemo I've gotten used to it.  The bad part was that we are still under audit, so I had to answer a series of emails that a 'slow' 5-year-old would have been able to sort out on their own in a few minutes.  I'm all for hiring the functionally retarded, truly, but do they ALL have to work in our audit team?  Sheesh.

We had a free vendor lunch today, and there was actually a veggie option, so I was pretty stoked about that, particularly because the veggie lasagna they make in the canteen at work is excellent.  Unfortunately when I got down there to get it, it was not their usual veggie lasagna, and was the size of a large postage stamp.  So I basically just threw it in my mouth and swallowed it in one piece a la Scooby Doo and went right on working.  My boss decided to move our monthly twit meeting from Friday to tomorrow, and I had to bung that report out jiffy-quick.  Fortunately I was able to finish it and still take a break.  I felt really bad and needed to get away from my desk for a while. 

By the end of the day I just wanted to get out of there and go home to bed, but Tuesday night is dinner out with Dad and Eve, and I wanted to get that in.  I didn't figured I would feel any better tomorrow.  Of course, first I had to get through the insane amount of traffic.  After sitting for a half hour, I was almost at the trouble intersection.  The problem is that there are 57.5 red lights in about a half mile stretch of Pelham Road, and there are 6.5Million people trying to make it through that shit.  It didn't help that there was a backup on the freeway today, and people were trying to get off of there to go through town.  After 45 minutes I managed to navigate the 10 miles to my parents' house. 

We were going to Portofino's, which I love, and which is blessedly close to the house.  Surprisingly, they were on a wait tonight (on a Tuesday? really?).  It was worse because after my postage-stamp lunch I was ravenous, but we got in without too much trouble, and our service was surprisingly fast.  I had the mushroom cannelloni tonight, and it was delectable - the best meal I have ever eaten at Portofino's, and I've been eating there for years. 

Unfortunately, it's close to Brenden's birthday, and always an emotional time for Eve.  She wants to see him so badly, and went down to take his present to him last year; but after she left Brenden reportedly (via Paul) became very upset, cried, etc.  Paul called and raised hell, threatening to have her arrested if she showed up down there again.  She has been determined to go down there, and damn the consequences, but Dad has been trying to talk her out of it.  This is very familiar ground.  They go over and over and over it.  Nothing is resolved.  There is nothing to be gained from the repeated rosary of Brenden but misery.  She can't help it.  He's her grandson.  I can't advise her, because there is no answer.  She can't abandon her grandson, but Cindy and Paul won't let her see him.  So there is nothing to do but be miserable, cry, and fret.  It's been five years of walking on knives now.  She was close to tears most of the evening, which makes for a less than congenial meal. 

By the time dinner was over, my whole body was just hurting.  It's kind of like flu pain, only worse.  We went back to the house, and I talked to them for a bit about my stone-hearted sympathy gap when it comes to cancer patients.  This has been weighing on me.  They were as supportive as they could manage on something that basically is an internal issue.

I thought I had at least changed the subject, but of course the minute we were done with that, it was right back to Brenden, Brenden, Brenden.  Oy.  There was no way I could get her calmed down.  There was nothing I could do to make her feel any better.  And I was exhausted and hurting.  Eventually I just had to hug her and go.  I felt completely useless, but I have no cure or help for this endless rosary of pain and lamentation over Brenden. 

On the way home, I did remember to stop by Starbucks and pick up another french press.  Twenty freakin dollars for what is basically a pitcher.  At least the counter-lady was nice.  I paid it and went home to wash it in preparation for the morning.

A post in which it is Monday

I woke up this morning, made my coffee, and went out on the porch. When I was cleaning up I broke my french press. Sigh. That was a metaphor for most of the day.

Pictures were posted today from Angela's wedding weekend, which was this past weekend. She had made a big deal about choosing a dress, going on an excursion to New York, etc. Angela was an international fashion model, doing runway work in Milan and Japan. She has worn some of the most beautiful clothes in the world. When she picked out her dress, she sent a message that she had found the perfect dress, but that we wouldn't see it until the wedding. I have to say that I was quite surprised at the dress she picked out.

Angela's inexplicable wedding dress, but she looks happy, which is what's really important, right?

I was tired today. And it was Monday. And it rained all the way in.  And I was pretty discouraged after last night. Part of me thinks I should just stop trying to date, and part of me refuses to give up.

I decided to get another Thank You done today, so I stopped on the way and got some flowers for Nancy.  I have two more batches of flowers to deliver, and two more batches of brownies to bake, and then I'll be done with all the ones I have planned.  But the flowers I bought today weren't so great, and I wasn't happy with the way they looked when I got done.  It felt like a not so great thank you.  I also kind of re-hashed what went on on Friday, and didn't really feel good about myself afterwards.  I confirmed that RBL didn't go out of town this weekend, and never called to let me know.  I know it's not their responsibility to entertain me, and I had plenty to do, but that hurt my feelings a little bit. Then the office machines at work went on strike simultaneously. By the end of the day, I just didn't feel so great about myself.

But I did hear from Rhonda today, and she wanted to get together.  Since her schedule has picked up so much, I decided to seize the opportunity and take her to supper tonight.  Rhonda didn't have any strong preferences about food, so I decided we would go to Kannika's Thai Kitchen.  I have been starving for Pad See Ew for about a week now, and they have great food. 

There was only one waiter on duty, and he was pretty swamped, but we had surprisingly good service.  Rhonda had some of their excellent curry, and I caught her up on what had been going on. 

Pad See Ew, mmmm so delicious

Rhonda's rice came in this pretty bowl - Justin used to have a set of these

After supper we went to TCBY for dessert. I hadn't been there in a long time, and had forgotten how good it was. I took her back to Sabrina's place (where she was staying the night) and talked some stuff out with her. She was loving and supportive, as always. We also talked about what was going on with her, and she caught me up. So for a day when I didn't feel so great, it ended up nicely. It's always good to see lil' Rhondee.