A post in which I reflect, and then go see dana

I have a busy week this week.

I heard from Justin this morning. He (and possibly Chad also) will be coming down tomorrow night to help me hang pictures. I was going to try to wait until this weekend to allow the paint to cure, but it will have been three complete days since the painting was finished by Thursday night, and I’m very anxious to see what it’s going to look like. I’m also going to just get things out and see if he thinks we should mix things up or hang them in the same places they were before. I feel the need for fresh perspective, since all I’ve done this week is look at the bedroom. I pulled the desk chair in there and had breakfast this morning.

When I got home from work tonight, I called dana, but didn’t get an answer. I was really tired. The Epstein-Barr is catching up with me. I keep telling myself that I’ll rest in a couple of days, but there is a lot going on right now and I keep putting it off. If I don’t do it soon, I’m going to pay the price for it. It was good to come in and not have tons of stuff crying out to be done. There are always things that could be done, but I wasn’t feeling the pressure so much tonight. I relaxed, ate some supper, and read for a bit.

I also, of course, went into the bedroom to look. I can’t seem to get enough of that this week. It crosses my mind that maybe I’m mourning for the old room (and yes, I know that’s crazy). I was thinking about all the things that happened in the old bedroom: about Michael moving in, recovering from surgery, changing the arrangement and the furniture in there, the sex (my lil gypsy love den – thank God the walls can’t talk!), and the quiet nights tucked up in bed watching a movie while the weather raged outside. Thinking about all the things that have happened in that room was a bit overwhelming. I wonder if this is what Alzheimer’s feels like. Is it like reaching a place when everything seems to be hazed and layered over with so many memories it’s hard to remember what is now and what was then? I felt weighted down by a flurry of memories and impressions.

The memory that stuck with me was the night before Michael moved out. The rest of the house was trashed, so we ended up sitting on the mattress in the bedroom (the bed-frame was his, and had already been packed up) eating Chinese food and watching Mythbusters, which was somewhat of a Wednesday night ritual for us. We both cried before the evening was over, but then we were doing a lot of crying then. Memories like that are oppressive. They argue for a regular fresh start. They are a part of my life though, and however painful, memories that I don’t want to eliminate. But it made me feel better about having a change. Maybe it’s not so bad that the old bedroom seems to be gone.

I did hear from dana eventually (good thing, I was a little worried), and went over to see her, although I wonder if she really wanted me there. She seems to be so busy with all the new work she has right now. But she was kind as always, and it’s always good to see her. I needed to get over there tonight, since Justin is here tomorrow.

Plus Jason is coming this weekend – probably arriving later Friday night. We talked tonight. It was so good to hear from him, and he’ll be staying at the house with me, which is just great! I had forgotten how good it was to talk to him. He really fills me up and builds me up. By the time we got off the phone, I was just glowing. How wonderful it would be to share a life with someone so kind, and who obviously seems to think that I’m the bee’s knees. He is so close to the perfect guy for me. I’m really looking forward to seeing him. If only he could find a job here!

I still need to work in the yard, which is becoming progressively more unkempt. But I will spend all the time I can with Jason this weekend, and rest when I can so that hopefully I won’t bear the brunt of a severe E-B episode. Maybe I can just get the grass mowed and coast for another week. That’s what I keep telling myself every weekend anyway…