A post in which I get supper and a bombshell

It’s ironic that yesterday my biggest gripe was that it was raining and my desserts were ugly.

I went to supper with Jason last night. After a very nice meal we went back to his place. When we walked in the door, he told me he had two things to tell me:

1. He loves me, and can’t remember ever feeling so close to someone in such a short period of time.

2. He is probably going to move to Raleigh, NC – over four hours away.

The principal where he’s teaching now had assured him that it would be no problem for him to get a job here, and that he thought he could swing health insurance for while he’s subbing for the Latin class he’s teaching at present. That was when Jason had told me he was staying in Greenville, and I had relaxed my guard. Today he changed the story completely, told him there were no positions open, and he didn’t know when there would be. Since Jason is certified to teach English, they were going to try to get the certification opened so he could be approved to teach Latin; but they told him today that they were unable to do that, and unable to offer him health insurance. Additionally, since he is classified as a substitute for the Latin class, he makes less money, and isn’t paid year round as regular teachers are.

Yesterday they called him from Raleigh to offer him a great teaching position with full benefits, making great money, and the possibility of advancement to a departmental director’s position because he has his Master’s Degree.

Jason is torn, and doesn’t know what he’s going to do, but felt that he had to tell me this. I would just as soon he waited until the decision had been made, actually. He’s supposed to call the guy with his decision tomorrow. It was just as much of a shock today as it would have been tomorrow, only without the uncertainty; but frankly I don’t see how he can refuse.

Needless to say this was pretty much out of the blue for me, and I was rather stunned by the news. But there wasn’t anything I could say. We only met two weeks ago. I can’t ask him to stay, although the selfish 5-year-old inside was yelling – loudly – that I do just that. To tell him how I felt would amount to emotional blackmail. I can’t tell him I love him. We haven’t known each other long enough. I can’t tell him about the future together that up until tonight just seemed fated, because that’s something that really might not happen. I can’t promise that.

So really I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I beg him to stay, I would be making promises I’m not really ready to make. I don’t think a two-week-old relationship can stand the strain of that kind of sacrifice – plus I’d be giving up nothing. I think at some point he would be bound to resent that. On the other hand I’m just too selfish to tell him to go. I am remembering vividly when my mother came to me before she moved in with Gearl, and told me that’s what they wanted to do, but that Gearl wouldn’t live with me. I told Mom to do what she needed to do to be happy, and not to worry about me. This despite the fact that it meant I had to move back in with my Dad. I lived some pretty miserable years based on that decision. I just wasn’t feeling that noble tonight. I’m also remembering when I had to step in and get Michael (who moved here for me, and loathed every minute of it, and never let me forget how much he hated it here) organized and packed before he left even though it was killing me to do it. He just didn’t seem to be able to do it on his own. How many times am I going to be required to shove a knife in my own heart for someone I care for? I know love requires sacrifice, but it shouldn’t be all fucking sacrifice, right?

Of course he told me I could move to Raleigh also, and I could, but that’s the same quandary I’ve been facing for the last three years – weighing the entire rest of my life: my job, my house, my family, and my friends –against something that might happen. I don’t know that that would be any better than his staying here. I’m not ready to do that for a 2-week-old relationship.

And if I let him walk away I’m going to feel like chump.

So either way I’m pretty much fucked here.

I couldn’t say anything to him. I have no right to keep him, but I don’t want to let him go. So I said as little as possible and just left. He had a lot of thinking to do and I couldn’t do anything but muddy the waters. Plus it was killing me to have to sit there and be quiet when I really wanted to curse the fates, the gods, whoever/whatever it is that keeps showing me the good stuff and then taking it away from me. I had just gotten over the whole M thing, had just reached out again, only to have my dick slammed in the door.

Heartsick, I went and got a pack of cigarettes and smoked all the way home. Because that’s productive and helpful.

Two quotes are running through my head:

“You can have a hot job, a hot lover, and a hot place to live. But not all at the same time.” Armistead Maupin

“Lucky at cards, unlucky in love.” Idiom

I should be better at fucking cards.