Reasons that it sucks to be me

As some of you do not know, I have the worst luck with slow people in the world. This is either God making me pay for my impatience, or Vishnu forcing me to pay back some kind of rushing karma from a former life. I was in a huge hurry this morning, because I had errands to run this morning before work. This is how it went:

- Rushed to the Spinx, delighting to find an open pump. When I pulled up, however, not only was there a huge SUV trying to get to it as well, there was some man standing there with no car doing something with the pump. He didn't look as if he worked there. It turned out he ran a yard service or something, and was using pumps on BOTH sides of the island to fill gas cans. Grrr.

- Rushed into the grocery store for fruit, and grabbed a couple of bananas for lunch. Got to the one open register to find a senior citizen there (at 8 freakin AM!!) buying her groceries - with a handful of coupons. The diligent cashier went through every coupon, making sure it was being used appropriately. After this process was completed, the woman began writing a calligraphy check, carefully crossing each t, making little flourishes, etc with her arthritic hands, all the while carrying on a leisurely conversation with the cashier, who delightedly informed us all that the the calligrapher attended the same church she did.

- Rushed to the CVS to pick up the sleeping pills I have to have for tonight. There were two cars waiting at the "convenient drive-thru" window, since they routinely let people sit there while their prescriptions are filled. How does this save time? Go IN the fricking store! Well I had dropped my prescription off yesterday so I could just dash by and get it today, but I had to get out and go in. When I left, the same two cars were parked at the window.

- Peeled out of the parking lot, now late for work. I have to make a right at the light to get onto the road. Of course, there was some nimno sitting in the right hand lane, not turning, when there was a perfectly good forward only lane right beside him.

The Rules

Generally when I enter any public roadway, there is apparently a beacon that goes out, telling all senior citizens (particularly old women who appear behind the wheel as a puff of white hair and knuckles, and particularly any man who fought in WWI and wears a hat) that it is GO time. Said bulletin also apparently contains my description (although of course the slow people in my area all recognize me by sight) and my destination, along with the notice that the time to run their errands is NOW. If by chance I am headed to the grocery store, an additional bulletin goes out to any backwoods family with at least 20 children that NOW is the time to come down from the hills and stock up on the staples they have been needing.

My entry into any store stimulates every register to need the tape changed, and for half the cashiers to end their shift. The other half go on break. I stand and watch the speedy, efficient and friendly cashier that checked out the person before me leave, to be replaced with the clerk hired under the store's new "Nell outreach program". Any competent cashier stranded at the register as I approach must either force their register to crash, or spontaneously decapitate.

When I approach a teller or a self-check in a store, there is invariably some person in front of me who recently either escaped from captivity, or immigrated to this country from somewhere there is no electricity. They are therefore endlessly both intrigued and mystified by the wonders of any computerized anything. In the case of the self-check, they will also be enrolled in at least three public assistance programs, the items for which must be totaled separately. In the case of the ATM, this person will be doing ALL the yearly banking for some small, disorganized country.

Rich Spinach Casserole

This is one of my own recipes, thought I would share it with you, since I'm sending it to a friend today:

2 lbs frozen chopped spinach, thawed
1 large onion, chopped
1/2 cup toasted pine nuts
2 eggs
1 cup buttermilk
3/4 pound shredded extra sharp cheddar cheese
2 tubes Ritz crackers, crushed
2-3 Tbs butter

Sautee onion in butter or margarine until caramelized. Add spinach, and cook on low just to remove excess moisture. When mostly dry, remove from heat and set aside to cool. When cooled, add pine nuts, eggs, buttermilk, and 3/4 of the Ritz crackers, reserving a quarter of them for the topping. Last, mix in the cheese and put into a greased casserole dish. Melt butter or margarine in a small saucepan, and add reserved cracker crumbs, tossing until all butter is absorbed. Sprinkle over the casserole, and bake at 350 for about 45 minutes to an hour.

***Buttered crumbs are great, but usually I only do that kind of fatness at Thanksgiving. For a healthier version, sub out the Ritz crackers in the body of the casserole with re-hydrated Bulgar wheat. Leave it a bit dry so it will soak up the spinach juice, etc, in the oven and bind the casserole. Instead of buttered crumbs, sprinkle the top lightly with Parmesan cheese.

"Her life went on being fairly tedious."

OK, I totally stole this from Sweet Justin's blog, because it is so perfect for me right now. Esp after reading his blog and about his life...

Also blatantly stolen from Sweet Justin's blog:

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply;
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands a lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet know its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone;
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

I heard that poem years ago on the Writer's Almanac on NPR, and it made a huge impression on me. I'm afraid that I was a little rough on Justin today for having it on his blog. He is a very smart and sensitive guy, but he's just too young to understand it, although I have no doubt he can appreciate its beauty. The summer still sings in him. At 22, I don't think he can possibly know what it is to look back on that summer as a memory, and wonder how much song remains in your life, if any.

Yet another productive day at work, except for a run-in with a rogue sales rep. Sigh. They pump those guys full of motivational tapes, and throw them behind a phone, still foaming at the mouth, and then we have to train them to actually work within the system. As long as I've been doing it, it is still exasperating.

Brings me to another theme I've been noticing lately. I have much less patience with bullshit than I used to have. Growing older, it seems people either go one way or another. Either you become more patient and able to deal with it all, or you realize the clock is ticking, and you just don't have time to listen to a bunch of crap you've heard before, when you know what the outcome is going to be already anyway. I kind of wish I was more like the patient and kind Mrs. Claus, but as time goes by, I seem to get more and more like Maxine on the Hallmark cards. I really feel, a lot of times, like "been there, done that, know how this is ending, let's just shortcut this". I have to really try hard not to cut people off sometimes; and even a lot of times when I'm successful, I still hear Maxine's voice in my head. It's not good, because that's how you get crotchety and close-minded, which I don't want to be. Still, some people do appreciate my ability to get to the bottom line expediently - to get to the heart of things. I just have to remember to do that only when I'm ASKED to do it LOL. Also, it does make me more appreciative of the wonderful older people I have known in my life who took the time to listen to me, even though they had heard and experienced it all before. I am going to try to be more like them.

Last night was a good night. Russ had to cancel my haircut, but that was OK, I was busy anyway. I went to see Miss Kat, Dana, and Helen. I had a lovely time, as always. Dana has a cold, bless her heart. She works so hard.

We had a great visit, and since I was feeling very loquacious last night, I just told stories. It was nice just to sit around and talk, and I love to make them laugh. Helen came up for a while and talked to us. She spends a lot of time in her "apartment" downstairs.

I also took them the last of the pumpkin squares, which they really enjoyed. I had one with them. They were better than I remembered them being. I may have to make another pan of them sooner than I thought...

So I got in about 10:30, tired, but with the pleasant flush of good company to see me off to sleep

Where I proceeded to have weird Kafka dreams all night. I was at the campout with no desserts, which is my campout job. They had decided to do Japanese food, and it was my job to come up with desserts that would complete the theme. I could think of only two Japanese desserts, Umeboshi paste on rice cakes, which I wasn't sure everyone would eat, and the other one I couldn't remember, try as I might. For some reason one of the guys from work was there, and he was just tickled with the Umeboshi idea, since he loved it, and I kept trying to explain that not everyone would eat it, and that it would cost a lot and be difficult to lay hands on enough to feed everyone. I woke up still trying to explain it to him. Don't know what the heck that was all about!

***

Pumpkin Pie Bars

18 1/2	ounces Pillsbury yellow cake mix
1/2	cup butter, melted
4	eggs
1 (30	ounce) can solid pack pumpkin
1	cup sugar, divided
1/2	cup firmly packed light brown sugar
2/3	cup evaporated milk
1 1/2	teaspoons cinnamon
1/2	cup chopped walnuts
1/4	cup butter, softened

Preheat oven to 350 and grease and flour a 13x9 baking pan.

1. Remove 1 cup of the cake mix; reserve. In small bowl, lightly beat 1 egg. In large bowl, stir together remaining cake mix, melted butter and the beaten egg.
2. Press into prepared pan.
3. In large bowl, lightly beat remaining 3 eggs, Stir in the pumpkin, 1/2 cup of the sugar, brown sugar, evaporated milk and cinnamon. Pour over cake mixture in pain. To the 1 cup reserved cake mix, add remaining 1/2 cup sugar, walnuts and softened butter; mix until crumbly. Sprinkle over pumpkin mixture.
4. Bake 50-60 minutes, Serve warm or cold.

I used pecans instead of walnuts, but either way, use raw nuts. I roasted mine first, and they got a bit too done. I mixed a bar of cream cheese into the pumpkin recipe just for the heck of it. This turned out a lot better than it sounds!

Had an amazingly productive day at work today. I am all caught up on calls, and am pretty much ready for year end. And good for me!

Did a bit of Christmas shopping on the way home last night. It's time to start knocking it out. I was able to get 5 gifts out of the way - a good chunk of the 24 on my list this year. I already had a few, and some I will order on-line. I'm kind of phoning it in this year. Mom is coming down the weekend of the 7th, so I already told her I'm not putting up the tree. She was upset, but accepted that. I just don't feel like doing it, so I'm not doing it. Being sick over Thanksgiving took away my bonus cleaning time, and I still haven't deep-cleaned the living room. Trying to fit all that in with December looming is just too much.

Miss Kat called me last night to check on me. She was concerned that I haven't been feeling well. It was so sweet of her to be concerned. I'm going over there tomorrow night, and taking the rest of the pumpkin bars from Thanksgiving. They did turn out really good, but I don't need to eat all of the ones left. I sent a bunch home with Rhonda and Tony, since they have three eating.
Other than that, quietness. Family Guy has 4 episodes on Tuesday night, so watched that. Loaded up a plate to take to work tomorrow, am seeing light at the end of the tunnel on the Thanksgiving food finally!

I got a message last night on Bear411 from a really cute, smart guy. Of course he lives in Florida. But he told me he's been reading my blog, and it's been boring as hell lately! Figures.
So I'll put a little rant in today - this ones overdue:

WAYS NOT TO DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE WITH YOUR CHILDREN IN PUBLIC

1) Public shopping malls, flea markets, grocery stores, and expressways are NOT the places to teach Junior to walk. As adorable as those first steps are, there are people in public with things to do and places to go. Please reserve walking practice for when you are at home.

2) A stroller is a device that enables you to take Junior with you when he is too big to carry, and still too young to walk well (see above). I unnderstand that since your hands are busy with the stroller, you may have to put things like your purse, etc in the stroller. This is NOT LICENSE however, to have a stroller as large as a Hummer and more unwieldy than a bloated menstrual hippopotamus. If you feel you CANNOT survive without a stroller that must be stored in a hanger, refrain from taking it down aisles where you will clearly block all other traffic. You have the choice. Either limit the size of your stroller or the size of the places you take it. Regardless of the size of your stroller, PULL IT TO THE SIDE when you stop to examine whatever. Stopping to talk to another stroller mom going in the opposite direction, and thereby blocking all traffic around the two of you is subject to the legal use of hand grenades and should be avoided at all costs.

3) I understand that many people no longer prepare meals at home. I understand also that children have to eat. The unfortunate consequence of this is a glut of ill-behaved and too-young children flooding in to places they are neither socially prepared, nor chronologically qualified to be. I understand that if I am in a restaurant with day-glow cartoon characters festoon the walls, menus, and/or food items, I am at the mercy of the market. There are also many "family-friendly" restaurants that cater to kids, and I accept that and avoid them. HOWEVER. If you are in a restaurant where any of the following occur: cloth napkins are used, cocktails may be purchased or there is a wine list, candles adorn the tables, or the average price of an entree is $12 or more - you are in an adult venue. This means that any child entering this venue should be able to sit in a chair, eat with a fork, and use an indoor voice. If your child is incapable of sustaining same for a minimum of one hour, this is not someplace you should be with your child. If you are unaware of your child's capabilities to sustain behavior, crying, yelling, running though the restaurant should be stopped within an absolute maximum of two (2) minutes. After that two minute period has passed, the child should be taken out of the restaurant until he or she can behave. After leaving the restaurant three times, you should not return. After the third two-minute disturbance, either inform the manager or your dining companion to pack your meal to go, and leave the restaurant with the child. Go home and eat. The alternative to this is very simple, but seems to be forgotten. HIRE A SITTER. My parents did this routinely when I was a child if they were going to an adult restaurant, and I assure you I have not been psychologically scarred by this experience.

4) When attending a movie, the suggested age rating is for your use, as a parent, in determining whether or not your child should attend. It is therefore inappropriate to have your 2 year old child at the 10pm showing of an R-rated slasher flick. The same rules for disturbance apply as at the restaurant. When the third disturbance starts, your popcorn is already packed to take home.

Following these few simple rules will make public life infinitely more pleasant for all involved, and should significantly reduce both stress and instances of 2nd degree infanticide. Thank you.

Not bad for the first day back at work. Things were pretty quiet, except for another Chicken Little moment from management about a court case that is of course all taken care of, but they suddenly want every detail in like 30 seconds, from memory.

Quiet evening. Ran by the grocery, and watched "The Catered Affair", with Bette, Borgnine, and a practically adolescent Debbie Reynolds. It's a great movie, and of course Bette is fab in it, but it's a pretty grim story.

Bed early, I'm still not feeling 100%. Trying to finish throwing off that crud they gave me at work.

I was up at 8am this morning, but I was feeling rough. I really shouldn't have stayed out so late last night, but I was having such a good time, I didn't want to come home.

I put my pumpkin squares in the oven first thing, and then put my casseroles together. I made a corn pudding (one of Rhonda's favorites), and a spinach and cheddar casserole that I had made for them before. Everything turned out fine. I thickened the gravy (it had turned out just a bit thin), and popped the bread in once they got there.

It was SO great to see Rhonda!! I didn't realize how much I had missed her. My ex Michael and I used to be really close to her ex Jaime and her, back when we were both still together. Rhonda was actually closer to Michael than to me, because she and Michael were so much alike, but I have really missed her. Rhonda can be amazingly impractical and lackadaisical at times, and that is frustrating to me, but through it all she has a fundamental sweetness that no one can deny. It was really good to spend some time talking to her, just gossiping and talking about people we both know. Sabrina didn't come, so I guess I didn't have to worry about what to feed her after all. Hmm.

It was great to see Tony too, Rhonda's son. He is such a sweet boy. So much like his mama. Sometimes he needs a boot up the tail, but he's so good hearted you forgive him a lot. He loves my cooking, and is always very effusive in his compliments. The boy knows the way to my cook's heart. So he's working me, but we both know it, and I really don't mind. There are few things I like better than cooking for someone who loves to eat, and isn't shy about telling me they enjoy it. So we're a good match. Rhonda seemed to really enjoy everything too. Tony is growing up. He's growing out of that "all hands and feet" stage he was in when I first met him. He's going to make a good looking man. He's smart too. I wish he would apply himself to school, but it just doesn't seem to matter to him any more. I would really like to see him go further in life.
I have to say, I did put out a good meal. But Thanksgiving inspires me. It's when I "cheat" and do all the little extra fatty things I usually don't do to dress the food up. Basically, no fat gram is spared so it tastes as if no fat gram has been spared. My pumpkin squares were really scrumptious. I will be making those again. And the recipe was fairly easy too.

They came to eat about 1pm, and left about 3:30. After cleaning up the kitchen, I changed the sheets and collapsed. I slept for a couple of hours, ate still more Thanksgiving food, then watched the Fox Sunday shows and went to bed. I love The Simpsons, and Family Guy.

Woke up today feeling much better.

After having some brekkie and hanging out for a while, decided to run some errands. I needed to pick up my Quorn roast for tomorrow, when Rhonda & Co. are coming to eat. Unfortunately, the store that told me they would get them in lied. They didn't get a truck at all yesterday, after telling me that is when they would be in.

I was trying to conserve my strength, so I can go to Russ and Billy's for game night tonight. But I went all over town anyway.

I want a light blue hoodie for Christmas, and I have been trying to find one my mom can buy for me when she comes the weekend of the 7th. We usually do our shopping for each other the weekend of my friend Donnie's Christmas party. Strangely (at least for some, but not for me), I am having a hard time finding decent hoodies. Old Navy, which had a million of them last year, has hardly any this year, and all the stores seem to be switching now to zip jackets in place of the hoodies. You can't snuggle up in a knit jacket with a big metal zip running up your chest though. I looked at a couple of places, but found not a single one in light blue. I can find some in heather gray, my backup color, but the ones I found that I liked they didn't have my size in. Dammit. Aggravating. I did find this really cool shirt that I liked at Old Navy, but they were almost sold out of it, and I'm sure they will be by the time Mom gets here. Like I need more clothes anyway.
After passing by twice (!) because I was listening too hard to a great CD my friend Lee made for me, I got into Whole Foods, and they were still out of Quorn too, so I have no "turkey" to feed people tomorrow. That is really pissing me off.

Of course I had to go by the grocery store for a few odds and ends for tomorrow, when Rhonda and them come. Since I just could not bear to look at any more Thanksgiving food, which I have been living on for the last two days, I just picked up some frozen eggrolls. I just had to have something different. Plus all that rich food is making my stomach wonky.
I did get home and laid down for a little bit, and then Billy called me back. I have decided to go tonight. 1) I am feeling better 2) I am bored out of my mind and 3) I am missing Billy and Russ. They haven't been around as much lately.

I had a GREAT time. We went to dinner at Lieu's, an Asian place here in town that they really like. It is a bit pricey for me, and I don't think it's all that great, but it's OK.

After that we went downtown to look at the lights, and got coffee. It was nice just walking around downtown, looking at cute boys and stuff. Some other friends from Gastonia, Marshall and John, were there, and they were a lot of fun too. In Mass General, which was amazingly actually open (they close at sundown usually), I found this really cool robe that I fell in love with. I'm going to have Mom get that for me for Christmas. I also found this great shirt I like, and if they have one left by the time Mom is here, I'm going to get that too. It's $35, which is high, but it is a really nice shirt. It's a Columbia brand, and I have one like it already that I just love.

It started to rain a bit after a while, and it really wasn't the best idea for me to be wandering around outside courting my death o dampness with the night air coming on, so we left and went on to their house for a game night.

I got to see the puppies (Russ and Billy have three dogs). We played Apples to Apples, and a Monopoly card game, and I really enjoyed myself. I was out until 3am! And I have to be up at 8am to start cooking again in the morning. I'm gonna be dead. But it was worth it.

Woke up this morning feeling like shit.

Mainly just laid around today, trying to take is easy and see if I can't throw off this creeping crud that I picked up at work. There was a Spongebob marathon on, and I have watched Spongebob and played this one video game until I am just sick of both. There was a new Spongebob movie on tonight, and some new episodes, anyway.

The cats love that I'm home and immobile. I have been covered in cats for 36 hours. Cr0oner has destroyed my only hoodie making kitty biscuits all over it and picking it with his claws. I finally clipped them, but the damage was done.

Dana called to check on me. She is so sweet to me, and I really think the world of her. I would have loved to go see her, Miss Kat, and Helen tonight, but I just really didn't feel good, and I was afraid that I might be contagious. I didn't want to make them sick. I found out that the big auction was actually Thanksgiving night, so I had already missed that. But oh well, it's not like I really needed to spend more money right now anyway, although I have a lot of gifts still to buy. It was so nice of them to call. It made me feel good. I was really sorry not to be going over there.

I'm bored to death, but feel too bad to go anywhere.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

I did my own thing today, and really didn't mind a bit.

I woke up not feeling particularly great, but still wanting to get into the kitchen. After starting to cooking, I went out onto the porch for a cocoa break with the next door neighbors cat, since I'm feeding it while they're gone. Jinx watched from the bedroom window with undisguised horror as I petted the cat from next door.

Mother called to check on me, and to tell me Happy Thanksgiving. She is up at Granny and Poppy's, but it is just her, the other two sisters, and them this year. My grandmother canceled the big family Thanksgiving after she was diagnosed with bursitis in her hips. She already had rheumatoid arthritis in them, and is in a lot of pain. She is in a wheelchair right now, and just wasn't up to the whole family trooping in. It is a big disruption for them, as they are used to being in the house by themselves now, and the big family gathering can easily be over 20 people. Mom's worried about me because she knows I've been depressed this Fall, but I told her I am really OK today, other than feeling like I'm getting sick.

I made my dressing, gravy, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and a Brussels sprouts casserole recipe I found on-line, finishing up in time for lunch about 2:30. I don't even like Brussels sprouts, but strangely, I was eating them out of the steamer like popcorn while I was putting the casserole together
.
After lunch, I cleaned up some, and then took a nap. I was really feeling not good by then.
Fortunately dinner was already done, and I didn't mind a bit having Thanksgiving again. After that, I cleaned up the kitchen the rest of the way, and watched TV and played computer games until I was sleepy.

Well it was another quiet day at work. I thought everyone had already left for the holiday, but there were a good many people still in the office. The girls here have already started with the Christmas music, and when I groused, they called me a Grinch. I really usually like Christmas just fine, but a month of it is plenty for me. I just don't want to start it before Thanksgiving is over.

I didn't get my holiday screamer, which means the Christmas one will be a loo loo. But I guess I can relax for a while.

But got home in record time, and stayed up too late watching TV. Kind of wanted to so something, since I don't have to be up early in the morning, but everyone is busy traveling or getting ready for the holiday.

Not feeling so hot. I think I am trying to come down with something. Bleah.

After another quiet day at work, I went to do my Thanksgiving grocery shopping last night. Yes, I know I should have gotten everything way before now. But I have been able to get everything I wanted, except for the Quorn "turkey" roast I wanted. Sigh. You'd think they would make a few extra for THANKSGIVING!! Sadly, I seem once again to be the only one that sees the simple logic in such things. Whole Foods has been out of them for a month, the sale tag on the empty space in the freezer case just fucking mocking me when I go in there. I had one in the freezer, but lost it when the plug got kicked out of the wall on my freezer a month or so ago. So I have no "turkey" for Thanksgiving. Happily, Garner's is supposed to get some in on Friday, so I should be able to get some in time to feed Rhonda, Tony, and Sabrina on Saturday. I live in hope, anyway. It isn't that much of a deal to me, but everyone else expects some kind of turkey at a Thanksgiving meal.

I decided on the rest of the menu: dressing, miso gravy, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, creamed Brussels sprouts, spinach cheddar casserole, corn pudding, cranberry sauce, Parker House rolls, pumpkin cheesecake squares, and egg custard pie. That and a gallon of iced tea, the house wine of the South.

So I have some days in the kitchen to look forward to. I don't know why I have been craving Brussels sprouts, I don't like them, but decided what the heck. I am disappointed about no turkey sandwiches, but they'll taste just as good later, after the Quorn comes back in stock. With all the rich food I'm making, I won't miss it really. Thanksgiving for cooks is like a marathon to a runner. I've been in training all year, and n0w it's time to show my stuff LOL I hope my dressing turns out as good as it did last year. I did it with caramelized onions, mushrooms, celery, apples, and pecans. It was REALLY good.

Had a pretty good night last night. After a pretty boring day at work, went home with no real plans, except to start putting together my Thanksgiving menu. I went by Whole Foods to pick up the Quorn "turkey" last night, and they were out dammit. They are supposed to have some more in tonight.

My friend Rhonda called and talked for a while. I have really missed her. She and her ex Jaimie, used to be really close with me and my ex Michael. They broke up about a year before we did, and after that, I didn't see nearly as much of them. They both just kind of went off the deep end. Well Rhonda has been missing me too, and she called and we talked for about an hour. They may be coming to see me this weekend. If so, I'll have to expand my menu. I wasn't going to do much because I was going to have to eat it all, but if they're coming I'll make several more dishes. Her son Tony loves my cooking, and I know he'll come hungry.

I was going to do Quorn "turkey", dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, Parker house rolls, and cranberry sauce. I'll probably add a spinach casserole, an egg custard pie (Rhonda's favorite) and some pumpkin cheesecake bars. I should add another vegetable, like greens, but they are so much work, and I didn't get any fresh collards last weekend. I may add a corn pudding, which I know Rhonda loves. And of course I'll have to double my dressing, mashed potatoes, and gravy. I don't know what Rhonda's new lover Sabrina will think about this, she is notoriously picky - what is it about lesbians not eating anything? You'd think if they could eat.... never mind. I guess she'll find something, or fill up on potatoes and dessert. I know I have done that enough at dinner parties I have been to where they put meat in everything, and if she's too picky to try anything, so be it. The rest of the world is one big abattoir, I'm not turning my kitchen in to one.

To round off the evening, I had an old friend show up from Atlanta, on his way through town, and wanting a little company. Even though I had to wait an hour and a half, he was worth it. It was an Aviance night, and I haven't had one in a while. He is a beautiful man, and I just can't turn him down. I'm glad I didn't, even though I was kind of bleah about it when he called, at first. I had a really good time.

Sunday was a nice day, although I felt pretty drug out from having to take sleeping pills Saturday night. Amazingly, I slept until 9:30.

After breakfast, Lee and I went shopping. I love the shopping in Charlotte, and Lee is usually great luck to go shopping with, I always find great deals when he's with me. I was thinking that I wanted another hoodie, but didn't really find anything I liked. I want a sky blue one. We did Southpark, the ritzy mall. I was accosted by a scary aggressive sales lady selling Dead Sea nail kits. She buffed one of my nails, and it did look really good, but it cost $80 for a kit! She came down to $50, but it was still more than I wanted to spend for a manual nail buffer, some lotion, and a small bottle of cuticle oil. But she kept drawing me back, and I didn't want to be rude. Still, I got away with relief.

I ended up buying another blue golf shirt for work. This will be the 4th. Since those are my favorites, I just don't see any need to diversify a lot. They are all slightly different, and I doubt anyone pays that much attention to what I wear to work anyway. Because of the dress code, I just blend in with the other faceless drones most of the time.

I almost found some new knobs for my mahogany dresser, but decided I didn't want to pay over $100 for them, especially right before Christmas. I have to have 16, and 4 have to be a smaller size but still match, so replacing these knobs has become quite a quest. I guess I'll find some eventually.

By the time we did all the shopping, I was feeling really run down - like I was trying to come down with something. I decided to come on home. I stopped and got a Pumpkin Spice latte at Starbucks, because my friend Russ had raved about how good they were, but either I didn't get a good one, or they are not my thing, because I was not impressed. Still, it was good to have a pick-me-up to get me home.

By the time I got home last night, it was too late to brood, as I figured it would be. I had dinner and went to bed early, watching the Fox lineup, as I usually do on Sunday nights. I love Family Guy and the Simpsons.

So all and all, a good weekend, and notably less poor-little-me's than last week.

I'm trying to decide now what I'm going to make for Thanksgiving. Apparently I don't have a Quorn loaf in the freezer, as I thought, so I'm going to go brave the Whole Foods for one tonight. I hope they aren't out. Those little things look like kakadoodie, but they are pretty damn tasty, and make good "turkey" sandwiches . Without the guilt.

Saturday was a good day. I got up and went to the Flea Market, as I usually do, but didn't find anything I couldn't live without. Ran some errands and headed for Charlotte. Got to Lee and Clayton's at about 2pm, and went to do some grocery shopping with them, as Lee had planned to have friends in for dinner that night. Had one of my favorite lunches: pimento cheese from the Fresh Market with crostini and grape tomatoes - delish!

Lee made cheese plates and salads topped with steamed green beans for starters, and the main course was penne pasta with vegetables in a fresh tarragon bechamel sauce prepared by yours truly. Dessert was pumpkin pie with vanilla ice cream and cranberry relish. It was great.

Lee had invited Pat and Angela, two very nice lesbians that I met through them. They are really nice, and I am fond of them. After dinner we played a game of Spades - Yay! I love to play cards, and rarely get to play any more, now that I don't have a partner.

So it was a lovely evening.

Today was a good day. I put in some old Pet Shop Boys vids while I was getting ready for work today. They certainly bring back memories, and I love their music, but their songs are always so bittersweet. The early videos where they had to pretend to be straight (yes, Virginia, musical artists still had to do that then, and to a certain extent still do - for every Pansy Division, there are two Ricky Martins) were weird and kind of sad. Plus their music has always highlighted the sad side of the gay world. The frequently unrequited longing, frustration, and loneliness has always been front and center. They do a good job of illustrating the dark, exciting side too, but in their music, even that is tinged with future regrets that you feel coming. I love their music, but they do not engender dramatic renewal of purpose. So I popped my hoochie CD into the stereo on the way to work to pump me up.

I had another suspiciously pleasant day at work, which would have made me nervous, but I finally figured out what was going on. We're building up to the Thanksgiving Screamer. Before every holiday, I have one client who will have left everything until the last moment, and will call in the afternoon before we leave with some un-meetable demand. Because we'll be on skeleton crew (there will be so many people off next week), we won't be able to meet whatever request he has, and he'll spend that afternoon going up the chain, screaming the house down and complaining, trying to get whatever it is done. It's kind of the way we pay for the time out of the office. Now I can relax. Apparently my screamer this year will be a doozy, since everyone was so nice this week, but forewarned is forearmed. Now that I know what's coming, I can relax a bit.

And Angela came through town, with her suspectly gorgeous paramour, Steven. I swear if that boy wasn't so nice and laid back, I'd have to hate his guts. He wears his beauty like an old flannel shirt he just happened to roll into that morning. When I see Angela, it's always like the circus has come to town. I adore her. I have three beautiful sisters, but she is easily the most glamorous. She has addressed the Congressional Women's Caucus - twice. She has had an incredible life, working as a model in LA, New York, Paris, and Japan. She's been an actor, a writer, and made her own movie, "Searching for Angela Shelton". The movie starts with the premise of finding all the women in the country named Angela Shelton, and interviewing them as a cross-section of women in general. As she got more into the project, she found that many of the women had been beaten, raped, or molested. Angela and I come from an incest abuse background, and as she continued working, she realized that her story would have to be told as well. At the time, we hadn't spoken in over 10 years. But she called me, and came to the house, and interviewed me for the movie. We killed some demons, and started working our way back to a relationship. The movie has developed a cult following within the abuse movement, and Angela has touched many, many lives with the movie and the speaking tour she went on to talk about it. She also has a book coming out next year about making the movie, and coming into her own in her personal life as well.

Thankfully, she told me last night that after the book came out she will be moving away from the abuse/victim community. She has been immersed in the community for years. I know there is a lot of work there to do - much more that remains to be done; but the abuse community for Angela has been like a barbed wire blanket. It has shielded her from the outside world as the people in it tried to pick her to bits. It's unfortunate but true. The abuse community is a gaping wound of need. No matter how much you give, it just isn't enough. People that identify with the movie see Angela as their personal savior. They want her to get involved with every one of them, individually, to nurture and heal them, because they identify with the things she says, and think that she has the "magic key" to healing. Of course this is impossible. But these are broken people, some of whom, unfortunately, will never be whole. The only way to be healed is to go to therapy and do the work yourself, but it is really hard work to do. Some people just aren't brave enough or strong enough to do it, and they want Angela to do it for them, or with them. When she can't, they resent her for it and turn on her. Part of the reason is of course that the subject she raises is so intensely personal. For many of these people, seeing her movie is the first thing that has opened the box of their pain and allowed them to talk about what happened. Telling and talking is great, and very powerful, but it is only the first step. When they realize that they have this Pandora's Box opened in their lives, some of them resent her for opening it, however much good it can do. So I'm very proud of the work she has done, and continues to do, but I'm really glad to hear she will be moving on to some other projects as well.

http://www.searchingforangelashelton.com/

Sweet Justin was here for dinner and movie night, and and got to meet her. Since I hadn't shown him her movie yet, we watched it later. He seemed to enjoy it - it is an excellent movie, but I think it made him a bit uncomfortable as well. Justin is such a sweetheart, but he's very young, and has fortunately led kind of a charmed life. I think it's difficult for him to wrap his mind around the kind of suffering some of these women went through. He certainly knows a lot more about me than he did before. But I'm glad he saw it. And he didn't run screaming for the door or anything.

Quiet day at work. Tonight was a good night. Sweet Justin came over for supper and to hang out. I showed him the movie "Before Stonewall", which I think every young gay person should see, and straight ones too for that matter. It is so empowering to know your roots - to know where you come from, and what it took to get you where you are today. We spend so much time as gay people being "other", and there are so many times you feel that you are alone. It's nice to know that the ones who came before were so brave and admirable.

Although Harry Hay was edited, I'm sure, to keep his later disputes with the GLBT movement off the table, it is good that he was included. In every family, there's someone that it's hard to get along with. His unfortunate later views shouldn't erase his former work and the good things he did. And if you are gay, and reading this, and don't know who Harry Hay is, and what his later controversies were - shame on you. Take an evening off from the bar and go to the library.

Today was a really good day. I played some old Human League vids this morning while I was getting ready to get me primed to face the day.

That old music is so dear to me. I suppose this is part of getting older. I hear some good music now (not as much, but there is some good music still being made), but I just don't love it the the way I love that tacky old 80's buzzy synthesized pop. I love it the way a kid loves a battered and grimy old teddy bear he has taken everywhere. I suppose that is the same with every generation. The music of your youth remains inspiring to you, not because it was artistically superior, but because it brings back, for a moment, the days when you were young and vigorous, and life held so much to promise and savor. I don't feel that old most of the time yet, but when I stop to think that the music that inspires me is already 20 years old, yes that gives me pause.
But the music still makes me feel good.

The other weird thing about getting older is that the days when I was younger are starting to obtain that golden glow that old folks see when they talk about the "good old days". I was waxing nostalgic about living in Charlotte when I was younger the other day, but then started to remember some other things about that time. Yes, I had some great friends, and I had a lot of fun then. I was cute, and dated, and everyone sane wasn't married in my age group then. But I was also broke all the time and working crap jobs just to scrape by. I didn't have the self assurance built up that I have now, and was still wondering if I'd be able to take care of myself. My self-esteem was zip, and I spent a lot of time miserable over boyfriends who weren't worth it. Things were exciting, but I was also on a dramatic emotional roller-coaster that I am very thankful not to be riding any more. I wonder how long it takes to forget all that stuff. It makes me less unhappy about being where I am now when I remember ALL of what it was like then. That golden glow on the good old days is iron pyrite, folks.

***

My streak of productive days at work continues. It is beginning to worry me because my string of new clients continues to be both nice and responsive. This is just not the way it usually works. It's starting to creep me out, because I'm afraid when the screamer comes in, it's going to be worse. On the other hand, I had a dismal few weeks before this, when my breathing in and out constituted a pissed off complaint, so maybe I'm just getting a little stored karma. I guess it's about time a couple of clients could act like somebody.

I went to the bear dinner tonight, and actually felt like going. It was good to see everyone. There were people there I hadn't seen in quite a while. I was able to joke and laugh, and feel like myself last night, instead of standing outside myself the way I have been for the last month or so. If I survive the holidays, I might be OK. I have always loved Christmas, although last year the holidays were so miserable I have been dreading it this year; but I am hoping now that my usual Christmas spirit will kick in. I may even put the tree up. I have already ducked out of the family Thanksgiving, so I'll have that long weekend to clean up a bit, which makes decorating more stress free. I'll have to think about that.

My dad and step-mom sent me a Thanksgiving card, but I know if I call to thank them, they'll be asking what I'm doing for Thanksgiving to try to get me to come to the big hoorah at my sister's mother-in-law's house, and I really don't want to go. So I've decided to thank them for the card after Thanksgiving.

There is also a big 49 trailer auction the day after Thanksgiving, from 5pm until 2am. I may go to some of that....

I'm just glad I feel like doing anything.

Sweet Justin is coming tomorrow night for movies, and I called my old friend Lee in Charlotte. I'm going to see him Saturday and staying over. By the time I get back on Sunday, there will be too much to do to get ready for the week for me to have time to mope, and next weekend is the long weekend. I'm feeling optimistic and productive. And I had the easiest commute home that I have had in WEEKS.

Well I felt more like myself again today. I have been afraid I'm going to get drowned in depression, but it seems to come in waves. I have a couple of bad days, and then it recedes for a while. I guess I can handle that. I pulled up some old Martika vids on youtube while I was getting ready this morning, and her sassy 80's bangs and huge earrings worked for dramatic renewal of purpose.

Good thing I was up for the day. I had more phone calls today than I have had in the last 2 weeks! Seems like all those new clients wanted to talk to me today. I had to hustle to keep up, but I had one of those days where everything seems to come together, and I'm moving the strings of the universe, bending all to my will. I got a lot of stuff done, and resolved. It was very productive day over all.

Traffic was a nightmare getting home. There was a wreck in Anderson or something and the freeway was just one big parking lot. It takes me about 15 minutes to get to work in the morning. It took me an hour to get home tonight. Sigh. The SCDOT are majorly on my shit list.

South Carlolinians drive like assholes. There is a reason we have some of the highest insurance rates in the country. Any form of precipitation makes the roads close down, as all the rednecks play bumper-cars. For some reason, water coming from the sky makes the people in this state revert to their Neanderthal roots, and they're all making the sign against the evil eye or something besides driving (!), or looking at the road (!). It makes me crazy. Tonight conditions were perfect for driving, I don't know what the issue was. Probably another flipped 18-wheeler. The stretch of 85 between Atlanta and Charlotte is one of the most dangerous pieces of highway in the country. Highway 85, for those of you who don't know this, is the drug artery from Florida to NY in this part of the country. There are also many freight haulers on the roads, drugged to the gills or falling asleep. It' s a volatile mix, and scary as hell. So we regularly have 18-wheelers flying through the air like acrobats. And of course they all have to be on the roads at 5pm, to be the butt-plugs of the road. Sheesh.

My friend Cougar called me last night and talked to me on the way home though. He works near me, and we hit the jam at the same time last night. So the commute wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it was still frustrating.

Have a nice evening, and happy driving!

Well I did go back in to work today. We are getting ready for year end, so it was frantic. I had 11 new clients placed, and usually get around 15 in a whole month. But I managed to get on top of it, caught up with my calls, and got all the new accounts checked in and contacted. It was good to have lots to do, kept me from having time to brood. And the day went by pretty quickly.

I took the left over pound cake in to my friend Christie at work. She just loves my pound cake, and it's always and ego-boost for me to be able to give her something she obviously enjoys so much. That makes me happy.

So I had a good sense of accomplishment when I got home.

Even the struggle to GET home didn't phase me much. I had to go the grocery store to pick up a few things on the way home. I go in this store all the time, and it's a pretty good store, but last night was not the night to go. Some bone-headed manager had decided to kick off the Thanksgiving season with a big "food tasting" thing. So there were 8,000,000 people crammed in to this store, eating free samples and blocking up the aisles. And of course most of these people don't even buy groceries, they were just there for the free food. So parking was like trying to get a space at a Dead concert, and then once you got in there were all these people standing around in the way of the ones trying to SHOP (!), and of course all those tasting booths took up a lot of aisle room too. But the worst part was that they had apparently spend so much time working on this big event that the shelves weren't stocked, and one of the things I fought through that madness to buy wasn't even there. Of course they couldn't have any stock people working during that fiasco (or they were too smart to get out in that madness and were hiding, although I did see one of them talking on his cell with a little plate of samples in his hand, eating). And then I had to fight my way through 3 traffic accidents to get home. Sigh. Some days it's all I can do just to GET home. I can't imagine wanting to go out and do anything afterwards.

Today was a bad day. I didn't go in to work because I didn't feel good, but it was probably depression as much as anything else. I stayed on the sofa all day playing video games on the computer. I didn't even shower.

Russ called me this evening to see if I wanted to go get sushi with them. Although my fridge is packed with leftovers from this weekend, and although I really don't need to spend the money, I went just to get out of the house. I don't think I was very good company. But it was better than sitting here on my own.

Today was a lonely day. I got up and had coffee on the porch with the kitty from next door, who was delighted to have the company and proceeded to gleefully deposit cat hairs all over me. Went to the flea market, but didn't find anything. I bought a bowl for Justin that I thought might be Manhattan (a pattern of Depression Glass he is kind of collecting), but when I got it home and cleaned it up, it wasn't. I don't know if he'll want it or not.

Did some laundry and straightened up the house, and tried to get in touch with Billy and Russ to see if I could go over there this evening, but couldn't reach them.

So I watched some TV and went to bed. Sundays are the worst days, because no one wants to do anything. They're all home with their families/partners after being 0ut Saturday night, and getting ready for the week. Sunday evenings are tough.

Wow! Busy day today. Mostly because I had a hard time getting started. I had Kat, Dana, and Dana's mother Helen for dinner tonight, which I knew I was going to do, but I got caught up, and then had my time frame moved on me.

I called Miss Kat Thursday to vet my menu. Miss Kat doesn't eat a lot of things, and Dana is very particular. Dana doesn't eat most vegetables, and since I don't eat meat, that doesn't leave a lot more to choose from. We settled on potato soup and salad. Sounds scanty, I know, but I was making a hearty homemade baked potato soup with lots of stuff in it, and baking a pound cake too. I have a family recipe for pound cake that I love, and that is always a hit. Miss Helen loves pound cake, and I had been promising to make her one for a while.

I got up Saturday morning and had to go to the flea market to get my potatoes and a few other things (fruit for next week, etc). But "Mr. Skeffington" was on Turner Classic Movies, one of my favorites - but then I like anything with Bette Davis in it. So I turned it on to watch "while I was eating breakfast" and got caught up in it, and then didn't get to the flea market until almost noon. But I got my stuff.

Next I was going to bake my cake, so I could get the potatoes in the oven. But I was out of shortening. And I piddle-farted around the house doing stuff because I didn't want to go to the store. But I finally went and got the stuff and got the cake in the oven. By now it's like 1:30 or so. After doing my best to make that cake fall, and thankfully failing (had the oven set too high, forgot to measure some of my flour and had to guestimate it - sheesh - you'd think I had never made a cake before!), I got my potatoes in the oven.

Then Miss Kat calls and says they want to come over about 4:30 for an early dinner (!!) so we can go to the auction that night. Well needless to say, I had to kick it in to high gear. I straightened up the house while the potatoes were baking, and did get most of the meal made before they got there, but the kitchen was a disaster. I had been thinking they would come 7-8, you know dinner time, so I didn't have any time to clean up the kitchen after I made the soup, and had to do the garlic bread and salad while they were there. But it worked out. The soup was good, and we did have time to go to the auction, where I picked up a couple of presents.

Miss Kat was all worried about the cat next door. It meows and meows while the neighbors are gone, and she thought it was hungry. It did sound pitiful. When I got home from the auction, I cleaned up the kitchen, and heard more meowing. I looked at the window, and the cat had gotten up on the window-sill and was looking in at me, meowing pitifully. Miss Kat had called back to make me promise that I would check on it and make sure it was OK the next day. Well my conscience hurt me, so at 1:30am, I go next door to make sure it has food. There were four bowls of food on the porch. So I went back inside.

Since it was so late anyway, and my chick peas were done, I decided to make hummus, so I made a big batch of that and cleaned up again before I went to bed. It turned out pretty good, but I ran out of garlic, so I couldn't finish it. Making hummus at home is SO much cheaper than buying it, and now that I make my own peas, the consistency is right, but the flavor is still missing something. There is some mystery ingredient that I don't know about yet. But I'm getting closer.

Well I was feeling the lonelies last night again, so I went for a visit with Miss Kat and Dana for dramatic renewal of purpose.

I'm feeling better today, but thinking a lot about being alone. It just feels like that's the way it's going to be, and I'm going to have to get used to it. It's strange being the odd one out. So many things are geared towards couples. I had forgotten, but I sure have remembered in the last year. I talked to my sister on the phone tonight, and almost started crying. I'm not used to feeling fragile. Stuff just seems to sneak up on me lately.

Sweet Justin is coming tomorrow night. I'm going to show him "Before Stonewall", since he has never seen it. I think that should be required viewing for any GLBT person. I wish I had seen it when I was younger.

I'm making hummus this weekend, and thinking about having Miss Kat and Dana to dinner Saturday night. Don't know what I'll cook for them. Dana is a real meat and potatoes gal, and that is the hardest kind of person to cook veggie for. I'll never forget making artichoke squares at Christmas one year. They are really good, and everyone loves them. I had made them at the specific request of another friend who was there. I offered one to Dana, and she looked at me as if I had lost my bleepin mind!

Well last night was a quiet night, as was Monday, although I went to the store Monday, and made a pot of succotash. I just love succotash, and have to have a pot of it every now and then. And since it’s good for you, why not? I did it to go with saffron rice made with caramelized onions this week for lunch. It turned out really good!

***

I need to set the record straight on Michael E. He is not all take. He really helped me out with something I was having a really hard time with at one point, whether he knows it or not. I come from a background of sexual abuse. Although I felt as if I had moved past everything, I really hadn’t. At the time, the prevailing opinion was that child abuse victims grow up to be abusers themselves. Some do – about 30%. A higher percentage than the general populace, but by no means the majority, and by no means an inevitability, as it is many times presented. So I grew up thinking that at some point I would have to “fight off” urges to abuse a child. Since I never wanted to perpetuate what was done to me, I was horrified by the possibility that I had a horrible monster lurking within. I was terrified to be around children. I felt that with my background, all it would take would be an accusation, or even a suspicion, and I would be under the jail. Being gay didn’t help either. Since I was single though, and gay, not a lot of my friends had children, and I wasn’t around them very often. So I had just kind of walled them out of my life.

Then I met back up with Michael E, during one of our “on” periods when we were to be close again. At that time he was in a long-term relationship with a man who had two adorable little girls, Sandy and Brittany. They were very sweet girls. Sandy had Down’s syndrome, and for some reason, seemed to take to me. One night when we were at church, Sandy announced that she had to go to the bathroom, and she wanted me to take her. In the way of children, she was most insistent that I go, and not her dad. To stop a scene, I took her to the rest room, which was in the basement of the church, and very isolated. She was old enough that she didn’t need actual help with the deed (thank God), but too young to go by herself. I’m sure that if you could have seen my face, it would have been most comical to anyone but me. Sandy, seeming in retrospect to know that everything was fine, was of course totally un-phased. I steadfastly faced the other way while she got herself back together, made sure she washed her hands, and we went back upstairs. Then I realized. I had not had any desire to “do anything” to Sandy. There had been no struggle. I wasn’t a monster. I can’t describe what a relief it was.

Shortly after that, I did tell Michael E what my problem had been, and why I had acted the way I had. He never turned an eyelash; and he trusted me around the kids. I can’t tell you how grateful I was for that, and how much it meant to me. Brittany, Sandy, and I became fast friends. I put together a little Christmas party for the five of us that year, and made sure Sandy and Brittany had their own stemware to drink from, etc, just as the adults did. Brittany, the little girly girl even then, helped me set up for the party, and was every inch the little hostess. She also spent the night with me one weekend, and we had a great time watching "Pocahontas", eating pudding, staying up too late, and just generally spoiling her rotten.

But of course the best part was being free.

My sister too, was really good about it after my nephew came. She was always the first one to let me hold the baby, etc, even though he was a little boy. His dad didn’t like me being around him, because I’m gay (that’s another story), but Lisa never batted an eye. I have always been grateful for that.

Gradually, I worked through it, and hardly ever think about it now, except in gratitude. Michael E and my sister gave that gift to me. They trusted me when I wasn’t sure I could trust myself. I will never forget that.

Well I ended up not doing much yesterday, ran a few errands and took all those beer bottles from Saturday night to be recycled, did a bit of cooking, etc. Just trying to get ready for the work week to start.

After having such a nice weekend, I had a frustrating start to the week.

I saw the ENT doc this morning, and he tells me that he doesn't think he'll be able to do the surgery for at least another month, because he'll have to fight with the insurance company to get the approvals for all I need done. The only silver lining is that he doesn't have to do anything with the polyps, which he says are too small to really be a problem. I do have one, though, that is very close to my ocular nerve and carotid artery. If that one grows, it could be a problem, and would be very dangerous to remove; but right now it is pretty small and not a problem.

So I'm kind of stuck on hold for another month waiting around, not really able to make any plans because I don't know when this surgery is going to be. But there's not really a lot I can do about it. He said he would talk to the insurance people and see what he could do about getting the approval moved up, but he didn't sound very hopeful.

***

This was on top of hearing back from my friend Michael E. Now I've known him for about 20 years too, and I love him dearly when I don't feel like strangling him. It's about 50/50. He has issues with his mom that he has never resolved, which result in big self-esteem problems. So he goes through these rebellious phases where he isn't happy if he doesn't look like a freak. So he'll run around looking like a freak for a while, and enjoy shocking people and rebelling, but then the low self-esteem will suddenly kick in and he'll have a crisis because he'll realize that people don't like him/are talking about him/ disapprove of him because he looks and acts like a freak. At that point he withdraws from the world, loses/quits his job, and basically immolates and runs away to start yet another new life. He has been through this over and over since I have known him. Since I am one of the few people in his life who has been around long enough to know this pattern, he has cast me in the role of a parent, and rebels against me because he is too chicken-shit to really duke it out with his mom. In all honesty, this woman is a razor-tongued harridan, and probably one of the most negative people I have ever met, but she is housed in a fragile invalid's body, and I can, to an extent, understand his problems in facing her down. I have never heard this woman say one positive thing about her son, who despite being nuts, is a sweet man. The conflicts they are having would be fine if you were in your 20's, but this man is in his 40's and still hasn't moved past this.

Since he knows where and how to find me, he does periodic kamikaze runs on me. He'll show up out of the blue from out of town, and call to tell me he'd like to see me. I usually drop everything and see him, because I don't get to see him that often, and because at one time we were very close. Usually if he shows up to see me, he has some hair-brained scheme he has cooked up that he needs to be talked out of. I think he really shows up here for me to talk him out of things he knows are a really bad idea to start with, but then he can resent me for "bursting his balloon".

Case in point: The time before last when I saw him, he had decided he was going to have sex re-assignment surgery. The problem was that he isn't a transsexual. His reasoning was that he hadn't been happy as a man, and he was dissatisfied with his sexual organs and performance anyway, so he may as well "try things" as a woman. He had been to see a prominent therapist here in town, known for her work with transsexuals and homosexuals. She had treated him before. I suspect that she knew what was going on, and decided to call his bluff. She told him she would schedule him an appointment with a surgeon. Of course unable to admit to himself that he never really intended to go through with this, he showed up at my house, where I talked to him seriously and laid out the reasons why this was wrong for him. He later called me to resentfully tell me that he had cut his hair and nails off, sounding for all the world like a petulant child.

He has now decided that, although he wanted to say hello, that he is too fragile to talk to me, and that I am too judgmental for him to risk actually speaking with on the phone. I was just like fine, whatever, let me know you're alive every so often. I would love to see this guy. I would love to be his friend. But I am tired of being a resented oracle, and I just am not up to walking on eggshells around him, and coaxing him like a frightened rabbit into coming to see me again. At this point, I need some nurturing myself. Although doing for others does me good, I don't have the energy to get on the merry-go-round with Michael E again. I love him, but he's all take and no give, which has been a problem with us for a long time. Usually, I have enough to spare that it doesn't bother me. I don't have the surplus to give away right now. So that's what I told him, via email, and he dropped the last word before heading for the hills again.

It was the right thing to do. But it still makes me sad. I really miss the way our friendship was in the old days, but it can't be like that any more.

Wow, did I ever have a great time last night!

I spent yesterday in the kitchen. I wanted to have lots of good stuff for Terry and John when they came. I made the new crab dip, and it turned out good, but it needed more hot sauce and more lemon juice. I was glad I hadn't put more butter in it, it was borderline too greasy. Here is the recipe for the miracle topping that is good on EVERYTHING:

Miracle Topping: Ingredients:

1/4 cup lemon juice
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, grated
1/4 cup butter, softened
3 tablespoons mayonnaise
small bunch of garlic chives, chopped
1/4 teaspoon salt lots of hot sauce

Just spread that over anything, throw it under the broiler, and wait until it gets lightly browned. It is so good you could eat it off Rush Limbaugh's ass, I swear as I sit here. Now the recipe called originally for regular chives. I grow my own garlic chives in the back yard, and they really make this taste special. I have never seen any others like these, they look like liriope (border grass, or monkey grass here in the south), but they are most savory and excellent for cooking. I got them as starters from a friend that she dug up out of her yard. I have never seen any like this in the nursery for sale, but I guess regular chives would do. Or you could come see me and ask me nicely for a starter..

I also made (finally) a successful copy of a buffalo chicken pizza. I had eaten one in a restaurant and just went nuts for it, but the first time I tried it I messed it up. The one Saturday night turned out perfect though. I subbed out Quorn for the chicken, but in something like that, you can't even tell the difference.

I made a homemade espinacha con queso as well, and I got it too hot. Too many jalapenos. The last time I got it too sweet by using fat free cream. I guess I'll get the hang of it eventually. It was pretty good, but I wanted it to be better. I'm trying to copy a recipe from a Tex-Mex place where I used to work, they made the best I ever tasted. I'm getting closer, but I'm not there yet. For those of you who don't know, that cheese dip they charge you $3 a bowl for in the Mexican restaurant is just White American Cheese with milk, melted and stirred together. Of course it isn't really Mexican, they just make that for us Gringos, but we buy tons of it.

I made a custard pie, which is Terry's favorite, for him to take home, and a pan of mix brownies. They are reliable, and honestly, I had spent all day in the kitchen at that point. I'll admit that I am not a huge brownie person, but the Betty Crocker Hershey's Triple Chocolate Chunk Brownie Mix is kick-ass! Those of you who are going to do so may proceed to look down your nose.

The visit was great. It was SO wonderful to see Terry. We don't see each other that often any more, but I really love him. There are no friends like old friends. People who used to know you when you were still young and hot LOL. We were going to watch movies, and ended up not watching a single one. We ate and talked, and laughed, and drank until about 2am. I am dead today, but it was fabulous.

Lovely evening last night. The guy from Atlanta showed up, and he was very nice. We had a really good time, and got up this morning and continued talking until after noon, drinking coffee and smoking, swapping stories about old times. It turned out we had a lot more in common than I thought at first. I drank so much coffee that I got a major case of the monkey nerves. Oh well, so much for a nap today.

I have too much cooking to do today anyway.

He's a nice guy, but he lives in Atlanta, and I'm not looking for it to turn in to anything. But it was nice to make a date with a guy that showed up and had an IQ bigger than his pants size. Double entendre fully intended.

Quiet night last night. I did talk to my parents yesterday and told them about the results from my sleep study. It was not a big shock to anyone. Dad says he is very fond of his CPAP now. I guess I'm going to find out. My next lack of sleep study isn't until 11-30, which is when I will get fitted with my machine, face mask, etc.

Finished watching "Hocus Pocus" last night, which I should have done Halloween night. If Terry and co want to watch it Saturday night, I'm going to be all Hocused out. I have decided I'm making: crab dip, Mexican spinach dip, and artichoke squares. For sweets I'll do a custard pie for Terry, and a pan of brownies. My doctor would be so thrilled. They want me to lose more weight. Of course. And yes, I would like to lose some too, but I'm not going starve myself. I do OK at breakfast and lunch. Dinner in front of the telly is where I get messed up. I'm going to do better about that though. But I'm not dieting with company coming in Saturday. Terry coming is a special occasion. My blood pressure is still great though, which is quite an accomplishment, since I have high blood pressure and arteriosclerosis on both sides of the family. Thank you vegetarianism.

I'm trying to decide when to schedule my surgery. I thought about putting it off until the first of the year, but it would be a great excuse to get out of some of the holiday stuff. So I can't make up my mind. I guess I'll find out what the surgeon wants to do when I see him on Monday.

I just can't bear the thought of the holidays this year. Last year was so horrible. We were going to all those parties so Michael could say goodbye to all of our friends. And in between, packing up all of Michael's stuff. It was stacked everywhere, and then I still ended up having to get him organized to get his stuff together. And of course in the midst of all this we were both dying inside, while trying not to be a drag on our friends. I spent the day after Christmas last year washing all his canisters and crying, while he, of course, was still at work. It was just so awful. The last thing I feel like doing is celebrating. And celebrating what? A year of isolation? Another year of my life I have spent by myself? I have always hated New Year's Eve. I now have yet another reason to dread it. Lord what am I going to do? I've already decided I am not putting up a tree or decorating this year. I am trying to decide how many Christmas things I will HAVE to go to this year, and which ones I can beg off of. Surgery could be a good part of this plan.

Right now, denial is working nicely. If I ignore it, it does not exist. Thank you Grandma Shumate. But eventually, it will be everywhere, and I'm going to have to deal with it.

I went back to the sleep specialist today for the results from my (lack of) sleep study. I did manage to sleep for 2 hours. During those two hours, I apparently stopped or severely slowed my breathing 82 times. My oxygen saturation, which is supposed to be 90 or above, was 80. So the doc says I need one of those d*mn CPAP machines. Sigh. I was really hoping that after losing some weight I could avoid that. And joy of joys, getting fitted for the d*mn thing means another lack of sleep study. At least they are giving me a pill this time to help me sleep.

I go see the surgeon next Monday about the tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy, et al. At that time they'll do a CAT scan of my sinuses to tell me what else they're going to do. It's not going to be pleasant, but hopefully this will quiet my snoring so that should I ever find another boyfriend, I won't drive him from the bedroom. Well not with snoring anyway.

***

In other news, I gave away almost all of my Halloween candy last night. I had a lot of cute little trick-or-treaters, and a lot less of the big scary ones, so that was good. In addition, some of the little ones were being helped around by some cute redneck daddies, a trend I can only hope will continue. We both get a treat then Oddly though, about a third of the kids didn't have costumes. What's up with that?

I creeped myself out watching little snippets of " Halloween 3: Season of the Witch" on the computer last night, and didn't sleep well. The movies on TV last night sucked. When I got in from the dentist yesterday, I caught the end of "Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte", which is of course great, but apparently they decided everyone would be out last night, and just put on crap. TCM was hosting a Boris Karloff marathon, but not his good stuff. They were showing stuff from later in his career. Now sometimes I can hang with the obscure movies, but on Halloween night I want the good ones! I ended up watching documentaries about weird birth defects on A&E. It was good, but it wasn't what I wanted to see. I should have just stuck "Hocus Pocus" back in.

Justin first said he would come over, but then he wasn't able to. It was OK though. The weather was nice, and I was enjoying seeing the kids and giving them candy. It was a pretty good night.

I got a phone call from a nice guy I've been talking to in Atlanta. He's planning on coming to see me Friday night. He's canceled every other time he talked about coming, but he sounds like he's really going to do it this time. He has moved down there full time now though, so I guess it really doesn't matter. He's getting sucked into (pardon the pun) all that easily available Atlanta sex, so at some point I guess he'll fall in love (or lust, or something) with some pretty Atlanta boy and be gone. He is a nice guy though, and I enjoy hearing from him every now and then.

I am really looking forward to Saturday this week. My old friend Terry is coming by with his husband for a movie marathon. I haven't seen them in a while, and am really looking forward to it. Terry and I have known each other for 21 years (! man do I feel old). Although we don't see as much of each other as we used to, when we do, it's like no time has passed. We pick up right where we left off. He is such a sweet guy, and I really love him, although I worry about him.

I'm trying to decide what to cook for them. I'm thinking of making a crab dip I have been turning over trying in my head, it's a recipe that is growing out of another one I know. Sometimes those are the best. I would love to make some little quiches (I know I can do better than those frozen things) but the crust work is discouraging me. I also make some artichoke squares that are very good, and maybe I'll do a Mexican spinach dip. Hmm, now for sweets. I could do more brownies, but I'd like to bake an egg custard. That's Terry's favorite, and I used to make them for him all the time. But he likes trifle too, and I haven't made one in a while, although those are a pain in the tuckus. Still, they are good..

My mother finally bought a new car. I am SO relieved. She spends a lot of time on the road, going to see my sister, and driving to the mountains to see my grandparents. She checks in on them every couple of weeks. She's been driving a 99 Ford with 240K miles on it! I am really glad she has a new car. It's a Honda, so I know it will be reliable. I will worry less about her being on the go so much now.