A post in which I resign myself to my vacation being a total bust*

I had pretty high hopes for today. I slept in, and lazed around the house for a while before sorting and starting some laundry. I knew Justin wouldn’t be up early, and I had a lot of dirty clothes.

It was a relaxing morning, tending to little household things. I was surprised not to hear from Justin by 10am, but he had told me yesterday that Jeff had a car accident, and he might be tied up helping him today. I did some more laundry, and had a buddy over for a bit.

By 2pm, I hadn’t heard anything and was on the borderline between ticked off and concerned.

By 4pm, the day was already pretty much shot, but Justin had mentioned supper. I sent him a text to find out what was going on. He called. “I’ve just been lazy today,” he said lackadaisically. “Amanda went home, Jeff and James went to look at houses, and I just re-wired a lamp.” He told me that they were doing dinner tonight, but were having leftover steak, and could play cards later. “You can come if you want.” He said. I declined. I have to work tomorrow, would have to eat dinner first, and can’t stay out late tonight. It was clear that whatever plans they had made had not been made with me in mind.

I guess Justin can go antiquing anytime, and a day off doesn’t have the significance for him that it does for me. Still, I was pretty disappointed.

I just spent the rest of the afternoon doing domestic stuff and getting ready for the week. I was supposed to go to the grocery store, but was too out of spirits to do it.

I balanced my checkbook, did laundry, and watched a Roseanne marathon until it went off. That evening they were showing the Keira Knightly version of Pride and Prejudice. I watched that. I don’t like it as well as the A&E version, but they played it back to back, and I have to say that Keira gets off some pretty good delivery on a couple of lines. It’s good that was on, P&P is good for me to watch when I’m depressed. Today, though, I felt for Charlotte Lucas, who accepts a proposal from the odious Mr. Collins - her lines had special poignance for me today:

Charlotte Lucas: My dear Lizzie. I've come to tell you the news. Mr. Collins and I are... engaged.
Elizabeth Bennet: To be married?
Charlotte Lucas: Yes of course. What other kind of engaged is there?
[Lizzie looks shocked]
Charlotte Lucas: Oh, for Heaven's sake! Don't look at me like that Lizzie! There is no Earthly reason why I shouldn't be as happy with him as any other.
Elizabeth Bennet: But he's ridiculous!
Charlotte Lucas: Oh hush! Not all of us can afford to be romantic. I've been offered a comfortable home and protection. There's a lot to be thankful for.
Elizabeth Bennet: But...
Charlotte Lucas: I'm twenty - seven years old, I've no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents and I'm frightened. So don't you dare judge me Lizzie. Don't you dare!

And I'm afraid too. I'm afraid of growing old alone. Although since I'm not willing to compromise, like Charlotte, I suppose I'd better get used to the idea. I'm afraid of not having anyone to take care of me. I'm afraid of losing my sense of self, of watching my identity crumble away, bit by bit.

This thing with Mom, the vacation going so wrong, and then getting blown off today on top of it all just has me down. The fact that I just passed yet another birthday sure ain't helping. I work all the time and have so much stress. It’s a shame I didn’t get more enjoyment out of this time off. I don’t have any more until the fall camp out in November.

I’m thinking a lot today about getting older. Changing roles with Mom, and wondering who will take care of me when I need someone to change roles. I have no children. I’m not going to be wealthy. I’ve been thinking lately about the smoking thing. Mother wants me to quit, but why? I don’t want to live to be as old as Granny and watch all my friends die, and be alone. I’ll keep smoking as long as I enjoy it. I don’t know that I want to save up all this time. For what?

I read an article last week at the barber shop where the journalist wrote about getting older. About your needs becoming simpler, your body getting slower, your expectations lower. He wrote about how as you grow older you become invisible. You don’t command any notice or comment when you’re in public, or when you enter a room. That was certainly the case in Atlanta (although I’ve always been fairly invisible in Atlanta) unless you count derision.

I was talking to a guy I used to know online today, and told him that due to my recent dating disasters I wasn’t dating right now. He remarked that when he knew me I had always been so sure of myself. What had happened to that confidence, he asked. What indeed? I feel like I’m becoming transparent today, like the color is leaching out of me. Like I’m fading away. I had to go to the grocery store to at least pick up some fruit for lunch tomorrow, so I did that. No one spoke to me or seemed to notice me, which just kind of reinforced that invisible feeling. I was glad to get back home and turn in. Work again tomorrow. Sigh.