M emailed today, out of the blue. I pretty much thought at this point that I wouldn’t hear from him again, but I have a book he left that he wants back. In a way, it is a relief, because I’d really been kind of wrestling with myself about getting him his stuff back, but his TV is at my house, and if I took it back I felt that I should take it all back. Since mine died, I've been using his TV. I mentioned it today and he said I could keep it, which I thought was pretty damn nice of him actually.
I wasn’t upset. I expected to be, but I was just kind of numb. Maybe that part of my heart has finally died, or gone back to sleep, or something – anything is better than it hurting all the time. I'm kind of two minds about this. The world is painted in shades of gray again, but if the joys are muted, so are the sorrows. I guess there's a price to pay for everything except God's love in this world. I have once again resigned myself to being single, and just living for my friends.
Interestingly, however, I went by Whole Foods tonight to pick up some fruit, and emerged triumphant $35 later with a bunch of junk food (I got the fruit too, but still…). So either I’m not as OK as I thought, or I’m finding any excuse to eat crap. Not really sure at this point which it is.
I got home, and waited. And he didn’t come. I didn’t hear from him at all. So I went on to bed. So I guess that was much ado about nothing, right?
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