I worried about Dad and Eve all morning this morning. Ridiculous, but I was on the hamster wheel, and couldn't get off.
So when I got to work, I had a call from Eve, again telling me that they had been worried (which made me feel like a shit), and that they had the date mixed up. The (unusually) un-asked question was why I didn't come to the house last night. I didn't answer it because I was at work, and because I didn't want to get into it, but clearly some explanation was going to be necessary. I had worked it all out in my head that I could just 'fade away' a bit without comment, but that wasn't going to fly. I wondered how I had ever thought that it would.
Since I obviously wasn't going to be able to lay this down, I decided to just get my reasoning out there, bite the bullet, and just tell them that I was going to be around less. It's tough, because I'm backing down from a decision I had made previously - Dad isn't going to be around that long, and I wanted a better relationship with him. He's the only Dad I have. In some ways it has been successful. My relationship with Dad is a lot closer than we have been in years, and we have moved forward. But like anything good in life, there is a price for that. The price for me has been a lot of aggravation and upset. So am I doing what's right for me and asserting myself, or am I just being a wuss and reasoning my way to do the easy thing? I can't decide. But the decision (to reverse myself) has been made. The more I turn it over in my mind, the more comfortable I am with it. Of course that is the process. You do what you want, and then your mind justifies it so you feel like a 'good person'. No one thinks that THEY are the monster.
But one way or another, what was clearly wrong was to back off with no explanation. They were clearly confused and concerned, and with them that invariably turns to aggression/anger/resentment. Since this was all in my head anyway, I decided to write it out. They were getting an explanation, but getting it on my terms. That was selfish, but there ya go. I could get my whole thought out without being interrupted, and without what I wanted to be a civilized conversation degenerating into a shouting match and recriminations, as happens far too often with Dad.
So I wrote the email. I tried to do it nicely. I tried to give praise where it was due. But at the same time, I got out things I feel I've needed to say for years. At first, I toyed with the 'write a letter but don't send it' therapy thing, but almost immediately discarded it. That would have still left them in the dark, which I had decided was wrong. So after composing it and reading it several times, tweaking it some, and changing a few things; I hit send.
I copied Lisa for a heads-up - I figure she might hear from them before I do. I wanted her to know what's going on and not get blind-sided. She responded "Wow. Pretty direct." Now see I thought that I had pulled back and pulled back from what I wanted to say originally, which was basically "The two of you are making me nuts, and I don't think I can go on seeing you every week without freakin' LOSING IT." But maybe I have more of my dad in me than I am comfortable admitting.
I sent a copy to Rhonda because she is a saint, and has been my sounding board about that relationship for years. I also knew she would (once again) be supportive, and she was, bless her. I love her, and she has been a blessing to me in so many ways.
So that done, I felt as if a HUGE weight had been lifted off me, but at the same time, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's apprehensive. Of course when I have sent them a big email before and never heard back, Eve just told me that she didn't figure I was looking for a response. So in true WASP fashion, it may never be mentioned again. Of course there is an equal chance that Dad will respond with one of his diatribes. There's no way to know. But they have two weeks to cool down, and after a while my Southern Power of Denial will make the wait easier.
So I finished up the day at work, and headed out.
I had to go by Aldi tonight for fruit, and I have adopted a new strategy for getting out of there without spending a fortune. Just don't get a cart. That limits me to what I can carry. I worked beautifully, and I came out with only a few things. But they did have pizza flavored Pringles tonight, one of my favorite things evah. For $1.49. For the '20% more' cannister. I'm not made of stone.
The next stop was the dollar store, where I picked up a brush to put in my desk. I've been meaning to do that for weeks. I can't decide if I'm going to cut my hair before the beach or not. Unfortunately, I had to pass the marked down Easter candy on my way to the register. Apparently I am not even made of hard dirt. I bought some of that too. Hey, it was crispy bunnies - who can resist that??
So I got home, and threw away the chip canister and bunny packaging (Hey! Don't judge me.) and settled in for the evening. Studiously ignoring my unkempt yard (I keep hoping someone will show up to mow it, and it keeps not happening, but I can ignore it so far because the neighbors on each side have...), I went in and settled in on the sofa. I RSVP'd for the Hat Party. I returned some text messages. I washed one of my coats in preparation for putting it away for the season. But mostly I just watched TV and waited to see if the phone to ring. It didn't. So the other shoe has not yet dropped. Fine.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A post in which I have done it again
After worrying over it all morning, and fielding a call from Eve, I sent another 'nuclear email' today:
Mom and Dad,
This is not going to go well. I know that ahead of time. I had thought that maybe I could just ‘fade away’ a little, but of course you noticed, and that would be the coward’s way out anyway. Then too there is the fact that I feel that you deserve some explanation. You won’t agree with me. You may not even understand me. But hopefully you’ll know that I tried, and I’m being as honest as I can. I’m doing this by email because if I tried to do it in person, it would just end up another shouting match/fight, and I just can’t take another one.
I have really wrestled with myself over the right thing to do here. I’m sending this to both of you, because it is both of you involved. I don’t want one of you blaming the other.
On the one hand, I really want to be a good son. That is why I started coming over once a week. My friend Dana, whom you have met, actually inspired me. She is a really good person. She has a troubled relationship with her mother, and she lives with her mother. I figured if she could do that, I could at least see you guys once a week.
When I got sick, you were both absolutely wonderful. Dad, we had a talk that I wish we’d had 20 years ago. I do feel that we’ve moved forward, and I’m glad for that. I have thanked God for letting us both live long enough to get to this point in our lives and our relationship.
But things are difficult. They’ve always been difficult. We are fundamentally different people, on a very basic level. We look at the world completely differently.
I had a talk with Mom, years ago, about holding onto bad things. About how if you nursed every grudge and slight you’ve ever received that you wouldn’t have room for all the good things in your head. She looked at me as if I had lost my mind. She really had no idea what I was trying to say.
In that way, the two of you are very similar. You both hold onto grudges and hurts with great determination. You seem to relish conflict and confrontation. You seem to thrive on it.
Two specific instances are 1) the Donna incident. When I asked you not to call her, you didn’t seem capable of stopping yourself. That petty slight was more important to you than any other consideration. I still have the email you sent me justifying that in your mind, not to keep myself mad, but to look over when you confuse me and try to understand your viewpoint. 2) With Mom, the biggest example is this thing with Cindy and Brenden. Now the Donna incident was infinitely more trite than having your grandchild taken from you. That is a terrible thing. But listing incidents would just make you mad, and you would focus on the details of each incident rather than the overall message here. The similarity of these two examples is the way that you have chosen (yes chosen) to deal with them.
Mom, I am sorry for you. I know that you hurt. I have really tried to be sensitive to your pain. When it is your birthday, or Mother’s Day, or some time that I know you are hoping to hear from Cindy, I try to do a little something for you to make you feel special. I have no illusions that I can make up for her or take her place. I guess that you’ll be like BB. When we went to see her in hospice, she opened her eyes to look over my shoulder to see if Cindy was there. That is the saddest thing for me about the rift between them.
I don’t ask that you stop missing them. That would be stupid. I can’t convince you to stop wallowing in drama and misery. You seem to be holding onto that pain because in some unhealthy way you feel that is your last tie to Brenden. That is the only thing that makes any sense to me. That is your choice. I would really urge you to talk to a professional about that if you truly can’t lay it down, but I don’t guess you will.
What I can’t do is continue to go along with your making everyone else miserable. When you pitch a fit as you did last week, you drag us into the Cindy-hole with you. I won’t do that any longer. I can’t revel in misery the way that you do. It hurts me. I have an anal fissure (Dad, before you go there, it has nothing to do with my sex life). It bleeds when I am stressed. Last Wednesday I bled all day. Dad tells me you were fine the next day, but I was not.
Dad, to a certain extent, Mom was right. To maintain a relationship with you, I have to hold my tongue and let a lot of stuff go by. The flood of rage and invective whenever the word ‘Obama’ is mentioned is completely over the top. That’s just one example of the political extremism you embrace as unquestioned truth. You seem to thrive on rage. There is this huge pool of un-tapped anger that simmers inside of you. It doesn’t take much to set that off, to tap into it, and it seems almost like an addiction. Once you start, it builds and builds on itself. I’ve seen it with Paul. I saw it with that truck guy. It comes out in politics too.
I know that you do your share of swallowing as well. You have made concessions and I know that you try. You did a great job of avoiding a scene during the last election. I applaud that, because for so long you made no concessions at all, so it is a huge change for you. I can never explain the pain to you of knowing that someone who loves me so much still believes that I should be treated as a second-class citizen. Who would unhesitatingly vote against my right to marry my partner. Who believes that I would be fine if I would just shut up and take my place at the back of the bus. When I have tried to explain this to you, you have for some reason equated this with gun ownership, which is demeaning and condescending. So I stop trying to explain that to you. I have accepted the fact that you always have, and always will, see any relationship I form as ‘less-than’, or invalid.
Understand that I am not questioning your love for me. I never have. I’ve always known that you love me. But just saying ‘but I love you’ doesn’t cover all the hurt, doesn’t heal the pain, doesn’t make this any easier for me. Your love can be a ferocious thing to survive.
The negativity and rage doesn’t seem to affect the two of you, but it hurts me. I could blame this on my health, I guess, but I hate people who blame everything on their health. I am not as strong as I was, but I guess I’m strong enough to survive this. I just don’t want to. I hate going over and feeling as if I’m on eggshells during an entire visit. On one side there is this chasm of despair that I can be dragged into at the slightest mention of a name. On the other side there is this vast well of rage that I can open with a casual comment. It’s a tightrope walk that I just don’t want to make every week.
So I’m not going away. I don’t want to be labeled as another of your ungrateful children. You are my parents, and I do love you. I’m just going to move the visits to every other week. I took this week off because last week was so hard on me. And next week I have that place out and Mother will be here from Columbia.
I guess I’m not the person that Dana is. I just feel like I have to have more space, and that we get along better when we don’t see quite as much of each other.
So all that's left to do now is sit back and wait for the howling to start. In a way, I feel better. And of course in a way, I feel terrible.
Mom and Dad,
This is not going to go well. I know that ahead of time. I had thought that maybe I could just ‘fade away’ a little, but of course you noticed, and that would be the coward’s way out anyway. Then too there is the fact that I feel that you deserve some explanation. You won’t agree with me. You may not even understand me. But hopefully you’ll know that I tried, and I’m being as honest as I can. I’m doing this by email because if I tried to do it in person, it would just end up another shouting match/fight, and I just can’t take another one.
I have really wrestled with myself over the right thing to do here. I’m sending this to both of you, because it is both of you involved. I don’t want one of you blaming the other.
On the one hand, I really want to be a good son. That is why I started coming over once a week. My friend Dana, whom you have met, actually inspired me. She is a really good person. She has a troubled relationship with her mother, and she lives with her mother. I figured if she could do that, I could at least see you guys once a week.
When I got sick, you were both absolutely wonderful. Dad, we had a talk that I wish we’d had 20 years ago. I do feel that we’ve moved forward, and I’m glad for that. I have thanked God for letting us both live long enough to get to this point in our lives and our relationship.
But things are difficult. They’ve always been difficult. We are fundamentally different people, on a very basic level. We look at the world completely differently.
I had a talk with Mom, years ago, about holding onto bad things. About how if you nursed every grudge and slight you’ve ever received that you wouldn’t have room for all the good things in your head. She looked at me as if I had lost my mind. She really had no idea what I was trying to say.
In that way, the two of you are very similar. You both hold onto grudges and hurts with great determination. You seem to relish conflict and confrontation. You seem to thrive on it.
Two specific instances are 1) the Donna incident. When I asked you not to call her, you didn’t seem capable of stopping yourself. That petty slight was more important to you than any other consideration. I still have the email you sent me justifying that in your mind, not to keep myself mad, but to look over when you confuse me and try to understand your viewpoint. 2) With Mom, the biggest example is this thing with Cindy and Brenden. Now the Donna incident was infinitely more trite than having your grandchild taken from you. That is a terrible thing. But listing incidents would just make you mad, and you would focus on the details of each incident rather than the overall message here. The similarity of these two examples is the way that you have chosen (yes chosen) to deal with them.
Mom, I am sorry for you. I know that you hurt. I have really tried to be sensitive to your pain. When it is your birthday, or Mother’s Day, or some time that I know you are hoping to hear from Cindy, I try to do a little something for you to make you feel special. I have no illusions that I can make up for her or take her place. I guess that you’ll be like BB. When we went to see her in hospice, she opened her eyes to look over my shoulder to see if Cindy was there. That is the saddest thing for me about the rift between them.
I don’t ask that you stop missing them. That would be stupid. I can’t convince you to stop wallowing in drama and misery. You seem to be holding onto that pain because in some unhealthy way you feel that is your last tie to Brenden. That is the only thing that makes any sense to me. That is your choice. I would really urge you to talk to a professional about that if you truly can’t lay it down, but I don’t guess you will.
What I can’t do is continue to go along with your making everyone else miserable. When you pitch a fit as you did last week, you drag us into the Cindy-hole with you. I won’t do that any longer. I can’t revel in misery the way that you do. It hurts me. I have an anal fissure (Dad, before you go there, it has nothing to do with my sex life). It bleeds when I am stressed. Last Wednesday I bled all day. Dad tells me you were fine the next day, but I was not.
Dad, to a certain extent, Mom was right. To maintain a relationship with you, I have to hold my tongue and let a lot of stuff go by. The flood of rage and invective whenever the word ‘Obama’ is mentioned is completely over the top. That’s just one example of the political extremism you embrace as unquestioned truth. You seem to thrive on rage. There is this huge pool of un-tapped anger that simmers inside of you. It doesn’t take much to set that off, to tap into it, and it seems almost like an addiction. Once you start, it builds and builds on itself. I’ve seen it with Paul. I saw it with that truck guy. It comes out in politics too.
I know that you do your share of swallowing as well. You have made concessions and I know that you try. You did a great job of avoiding a scene during the last election. I applaud that, because for so long you made no concessions at all, so it is a huge change for you. I can never explain the pain to you of knowing that someone who loves me so much still believes that I should be treated as a second-class citizen. Who would unhesitatingly vote against my right to marry my partner. Who believes that I would be fine if I would just shut up and take my place at the back of the bus. When I have tried to explain this to you, you have for some reason equated this with gun ownership, which is demeaning and condescending. So I stop trying to explain that to you. I have accepted the fact that you always have, and always will, see any relationship I form as ‘less-than’, or invalid.
Understand that I am not questioning your love for me. I never have. I’ve always known that you love me. But just saying ‘but I love you’ doesn’t cover all the hurt, doesn’t heal the pain, doesn’t make this any easier for me. Your love can be a ferocious thing to survive.
The negativity and rage doesn’t seem to affect the two of you, but it hurts me. I could blame this on my health, I guess, but I hate people who blame everything on their health. I am not as strong as I was, but I guess I’m strong enough to survive this. I just don’t want to. I hate going over and feeling as if I’m on eggshells during an entire visit. On one side there is this chasm of despair that I can be dragged into at the slightest mention of a name. On the other side there is this vast well of rage that I can open with a casual comment. It’s a tightrope walk that I just don’t want to make every week.
So I’m not going away. I don’t want to be labeled as another of your ungrateful children. You are my parents, and I do love you. I’m just going to move the visits to every other week. I took this week off because last week was so hard on me. And next week I have that place out and Mother will be here from Columbia.
I guess I’m not the person that Dana is. I just feel like I have to have more space, and that we get along better when we don’t see quite as much of each other.
So all that's left to do now is sit back and wait for the howling to start. In a way, I feel better. And of course in a way, I feel terrible.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
A post in which I worry
Well I was grateful for coffee this morning.
Work was pretty quiet. Well the job party anyway. Alan was unexpectedly out of the office, which was a little bit of a treat.
In the middle of the day I had a text from Eve, asking what time my procedure was. I figured she had the dates mixed up, but just sent her back the time. Had I told her it was next week, she would have asked why I wasn't coming to dinner and I just didn't want to get into it. So it was sneaky, but I wasn't lying. Hey, I sent them a text detailing that I would see them again on the 23rd - it's not my fault if they don't read it, right?
After work I went by the grocery store, and they had a huge sale going on. All this stuff was on clearance. One of the things they had was pickled peaches. They are Lisa's favorite, and they are damn near impossible to find, and expensive when you do. At about $2 per jar, it was a super deal. I picked her up four jars, and may go back for some more when I get paid Friday. They also had chocolate chunks left from Christmas marked down to $1 per bag. I bought one for the treat jar, and then went back for another to put in the freezer. Hey it's Hershey's; and I'm not proud. And eventually I will want something sweet...
While I was at the store, I had a panicked text from Eve, wanting to know if I was alright. So I just sent a text back telling her the procedure was next week. As I had thought, she had mixed up the dates. I just left that lying there, and she didn't ask. Again, sneaky but not lying.
I bought taco fixin's since I still had tortillas left. When you're single it's hard to use up a whole package of tortillas before they get yukky/hard and/or moldy. Sometimes I throw them in the freezer, where I forget about them. But after deciding to get taco stuff, I remembered I had a jar of good Greek olives in the freezer. Since Laughing Cow now makes 'cream cheese' wedges, I got some of those and made a cream cheese and olive sandwich for dinner (yummy!). I had some honey wheat bread in the freezer from Mom, and it was surprisingly good with the olives. I finished up the pasta salad, made some popcorn, and then strictly limited myself to three chocolate chunks for dessert.
Then I went back and raided the treat jar for three more. Sigh.
I watched DVDs from the library and relaxed, as much as I could, before going to bed. I know there's a reckoning coming. I can feel it hanging over my head.
Work was pretty quiet. Well the job party anyway. Alan was unexpectedly out of the office, which was a little bit of a treat.
In the middle of the day I had a text from Eve, asking what time my procedure was. I figured she had the dates mixed up, but just sent her back the time. Had I told her it was next week, she would have asked why I wasn't coming to dinner and I just didn't want to get into it. So it was sneaky, but I wasn't lying. Hey, I sent them a text detailing that I would see them again on the 23rd - it's not my fault if they don't read it, right?
After work I went by the grocery store, and they had a huge sale going on. All this stuff was on clearance. One of the things they had was pickled peaches. They are Lisa's favorite, and they are damn near impossible to find, and expensive when you do. At about $2 per jar, it was a super deal. I picked her up four jars, and may go back for some more when I get paid Friday. They also had chocolate chunks left from Christmas marked down to $1 per bag. I bought one for the treat jar, and then went back for another to put in the freezer. Hey it's Hershey's; and I'm not proud. And eventually I will want something sweet...
While I was at the store, I had a panicked text from Eve, wanting to know if I was alright. So I just sent a text back telling her the procedure was next week. As I had thought, she had mixed up the dates. I just left that lying there, and she didn't ask. Again, sneaky but not lying.
I bought taco fixin's since I still had tortillas left. When you're single it's hard to use up a whole package of tortillas before they get yukky/hard and/or moldy. Sometimes I throw them in the freezer, where I forget about them. But after deciding to get taco stuff, I remembered I had a jar of good Greek olives in the freezer. Since Laughing Cow now makes 'cream cheese' wedges, I got some of those and made a cream cheese and olive sandwich for dinner (yummy!). I had some honey wheat bread in the freezer from Mom, and it was surprisingly good with the olives. I finished up the pasta salad, made some popcorn, and then strictly limited myself to three chocolate chunks for dessert.
Then I went back and raided the treat jar for three more. Sigh.
I watched DVDs from the library and relaxed, as much as I could, before going to bed. I know there's a reckoning coming. I can feel it hanging over my head.
Monday, April 8, 2013
A post in which I take care of some things
I started the morning early, with no coffee and no breakfast - yeah, pretty much my least favorite way to start the day. To make matters worse, I had been up for two hours last night with insomnia. With no coffee to wake me up, it was a rough start.
It always makes me feel better to see my nurse Debbie though, and the doctor reassured me about the place on my back. She doesn't think it needs to be sent for a biopsy. It's pretty much a straight-forward cyst. As paranoid as she is, if she isn't worried, I am certainly not. I made the appointment to come in next week to get it removed.
After I left the doctor's office, I went for an enormous breakfast at the Epicurean. They have excellent omelets, although I ate too much. It's like my little payback for having to start the day fasting. I ate much more than I normally would for breakfast. So it's a stupid way to get revenge on the doctor's office (the one paying the price is me), but in some small petty way it makes me feel better to treat myself after a craptastic start to the day.
I bit the bullet today and did what I needed to do about Dad and Eve, kinda. I sent a text and told them I would not be there for dinner tomorrow. I also told them that the surgery on my shoulder was set for next Tuesday the 16th, so I would see them until the 23rd. Now that is not the same as being honest with them. I thought long and hard about sending an email explaining that I just couldn't deal with the negativity every week, etc, but I've talked to them about this before. It wouldn't have gotten through to them. It would just have caused a fight. So I'm just going to acclimatize them to my being around less without really going into it. I guess that's the wuss way to do it. But from experience, I just know that while honesty might be the best policy, it's ineffective here.
In a way, I'm disappointed with myself. I want to be a good son. I want to do the right thing even if it is hard. I guess Dana is a better man than I am (but I pretty much knew that before I started). I could hide behind my health as a justification if I wanted to, but I can't stand it when people do that. I did bleed all day last Wednesday. I know that stress isn't good for me. I also know that I'm not as strong as I was. But I could survive it. The bottom line is that I just plain don't want to. Life is too short to white-knuckle through it. So I'm choosing to deal with less of their toxicity. If that makes me a weak person, well then I have to own that.
I had my mushroom bourguignon for lunch today, and it was better than I first thought. Like a lot of things with garlic in it, it was better for having sat overnight. So maybe I unfairly maligned it. It did have some actual bourguignon flavor going on, underneath. There's a flavor that you get from red wine simmered with tomato paste that is unique to the dish. It could have used more sauce, but overall it wasn't bad.
After work I went by the library and finally, finally returned Untouchable: The Strange Life and Tragic Death of Michael Jackson. The afterword was going into the trial of his doctor, after his death, etc. I guess the main remarkable thing about it was the ridiculous fan reaction. I went into the book absolutely convinced that MJ was a child molester. I still pretty much am. But the author of Untouchable did more to cast doubt on the charges than anything I have read, and even cast aspersions on the series that Vanity Fair did on him, which were some of the most incriminating and salacious from any reliable news source. So I just don't understand the extreme reaction. None of them could have read the book. People are weird. I guess people now need something to believe in so much that they'll deify stars to fill the void that faith leaves in their lives. That's the only thing that makes sense to me.
I paid my fines, did my mea culpa, and checked out some videos, a book on CD, and a new book. I love the library, and we actually have an excellent library system in Greenville for which I am very grateful.
I thought about going by the store, but didn't since I had balanced my checkbook this morning. I had leftover guacamole from yesterday, and some old tortillas that needed to be used. So I brushed them with oil and stuck them in the oven for some quick tortilla chips - that also saved me buying a whole bag of chips, which I certainly do not need. I finished it off with some of the pasta salad I bought Friday and the last of the Easter candy. Not a bad-tasting supper.
I wasn't particularly looking forward to the new RuPaul's Drag Race tonight. It was the 'man-makeover' episode, which is usually kind of a dud. But tonight's was pretty good, and I found myself enjoying it. The men they brought in were gay veterans who had served before 'don't ask, don't tell' was repealed. It was surprisingly poignant. Most interesting to me was the Jinkx Monsoon got stuck with
the oldest, least attractive, and least mobile of the guys on offer; but you could tell that she really liked him and empathized with him. He was a nice guy (unlike some of the blow-hards from past seasons), and she made it work. I think she may have done better with a 'misfit' than she would have with one of the more desirable guys. That's the appeal of Jinkx. You can tell that whatever her successes, she's a real peson under it all. She's even more of an underdog than Sharon Needles was, but a lot of people are rooting for her. It's an odd phenomenon in a community (and indeed an overall society) which is so focused on physical perfection and beauty. So can he win it all? I don't know. But it makes me feel good to think he can. It also pleases me that while the other girls strut and bray, he quietly goes out on that stage and does well, week after week - while not giving up himself to do it.
It always makes me feel better to see my nurse Debbie though, and the doctor reassured me about the place on my back. She doesn't think it needs to be sent for a biopsy. It's pretty much a straight-forward cyst. As paranoid as she is, if she isn't worried, I am certainly not. I made the appointment to come in next week to get it removed.
After I left the doctor's office, I went for an enormous breakfast at the Epicurean. They have excellent omelets, although I ate too much. It's like my little payback for having to start the day fasting. I ate much more than I normally would for breakfast. So it's a stupid way to get revenge on the doctor's office (the one paying the price is me), but in some small petty way it makes me feel better to treat myself after a craptastic start to the day.
I bit the bullet today and did what I needed to do about Dad and Eve, kinda. I sent a text and told them I would not be there for dinner tomorrow. I also told them that the surgery on my shoulder was set for next Tuesday the 16th, so I would see them until the 23rd. Now that is not the same as being honest with them. I thought long and hard about sending an email explaining that I just couldn't deal with the negativity every week, etc, but I've talked to them about this before. It wouldn't have gotten through to them. It would just have caused a fight. So I'm just going to acclimatize them to my being around less without really going into it. I guess that's the wuss way to do it. But from experience, I just know that while honesty might be the best policy, it's ineffective here.
In a way, I'm disappointed with myself. I want to be a good son. I want to do the right thing even if it is hard. I guess Dana is a better man than I am (but I pretty much knew that before I started). I could hide behind my health as a justification if I wanted to, but I can't stand it when people do that. I did bleed all day last Wednesday. I know that stress isn't good for me. I also know that I'm not as strong as I was. But I could survive it. The bottom line is that I just plain don't want to. Life is too short to white-knuckle through it. So I'm choosing to deal with less of their toxicity. If that makes me a weak person, well then I have to own that.
I had my mushroom bourguignon for lunch today, and it was better than I first thought. Like a lot of things with garlic in it, it was better for having sat overnight. So maybe I unfairly maligned it. It did have some actual bourguignon flavor going on, underneath. There's a flavor that you get from red wine simmered with tomato paste that is unique to the dish. It could have used more sauce, but overall it wasn't bad.
After work I went by the library and finally, finally returned Untouchable: The Strange Life and Tragic Death of Michael Jackson. The afterword was going into the trial of his doctor, after his death, etc. I guess the main remarkable thing about it was the ridiculous fan reaction. I went into the book absolutely convinced that MJ was a child molester. I still pretty much am. But the author of Untouchable did more to cast doubt on the charges than anything I have read, and even cast aspersions on the series that Vanity Fair did on him, which were some of the most incriminating and salacious from any reliable news source. So I just don't understand the extreme reaction. None of them could have read the book. People are weird. I guess people now need something to believe in so much that they'll deify stars to fill the void that faith leaves in their lives. That's the only thing that makes sense to me.
I paid my fines, did my mea culpa, and checked out some videos, a book on CD, and a new book. I love the library, and we actually have an excellent library system in Greenville for which I am very grateful.
I thought about going by the store, but didn't since I had balanced my checkbook this morning. I had leftover guacamole from yesterday, and some old tortillas that needed to be used. So I brushed them with oil and stuck them in the oven for some quick tortilla chips - that also saved me buying a whole bag of chips, which I certainly do not need. I finished it off with some of the pasta salad I bought Friday and the last of the Easter candy. Not a bad-tasting supper.
I wasn't particularly looking forward to the new RuPaul's Drag Race tonight. It was the 'man-makeover' episode, which is usually kind of a dud. But tonight's was pretty good, and I found myself enjoying it. The men they brought in were gay veterans who had served before 'don't ask, don't tell' was repealed. It was surprisingly poignant. Most interesting to me was the Jinkx Monsoon got stuck with
Sunday, April 7, 2013
A post in which I have a date*
I woke up feeling conspicuously lazy today. I chatted and played around on the computer and my phone, but eventually there was nothing for it - I had to get up.
I made some tater tots for breakfast, since they were in the freezer and a delicious, and contemplated all that needed to be done today.
I stripped the bed and started washing everything, and then confronted the bottles of wine RBL had given me a week or so ago. Guests had left five bottles of red wine open at their place, and since Billy doesn't cook with it, they sent it home with me. Three of them we full, just inexplicably open. One was half full, and I dumped it in a pot with another butt-end of red cooking wine I already had to reduce down by about half. Then I had to figure out what to do with it.
Although I was afraid that the reduced wine would be too strong, I decided to go with a mushroom bourguignon. I ran to the store for mushrooms and the rest of the stuff I needed to make it, and set to work. I had found the recipe online, and it hadn't had many reviews. Although that is not unusual with vegetarian dishes, it turned out distinctly bland. Despite my worries about the reduced wine being too strong, you could barely taste it, so I basically ended up with something that was like watered-down hamburger helper. Very disappointing, especially since my sauce was lovely and brown, and the perfect consistency - just not a lot of flavor.
Resignedly, I packed it up for lunches, and vowed to try again. I have plenty of wine, after all.
While I was waiting for laundry to cycle through, I decided to get out my new water pitcher and do some water checks. I had purchased a Pur water pitcher after Christmas,and then bought a Zero Water pitcher a month or so ago. These were to replace my old Brita pitchers I've had for years. I was quite impressed with the Pur commercial where they take the red wine out of water while the Brita pitcher fails. The Zero water came with a water tester though, and I really like the idea of being able to tell exactly how well the filter is working, rather than just buying one every three months because it is 'time'.
Both the Pur and the Brita were due to be changed, and I thought I would see how well my filters were working. Testing the Pur pitcher showed there were 22ppm of debris in the water. The Brita results were 18ppm (this was on filters that had been in use for three months). The Zero Water test was 000ppm. Just for fun, I tested plain tap water, and it was 21ppm - LESS than the Pur water, so apparently the Pur filter wsa dumping accumulated stuff back in my water. So if the tester is reliable (it came with the Pur filter, so who knows what chicanery they might be employing), the Pur filter is clearly superior. Interesting.
I put the bed back together, cleaned up the kitchen, and got in touch with Larry, who had been waiting on me all day. He told me last week he wanted to get together, but I have been really busy, was out of town yesterday, and then had chores to do today.
So he came by and we went to Corona's for an early dinner (by that time I was starving). Of course, as he was en route, RBL had invited me to dinner. I love 'em to pieces, but this 10-minute notice thing is nuts. I don't mind doing stuff spontaneously sometimes, so I haven't said anything, but them expecting everyone to just drop everything when they put out the critter call (especially when you have to book weeks in advance to see them) smacks just a bit of hubris.
It was good to see Larry, and we caught up over dinner. He ordered fresh guacamole to be made for us(which I would never have the chutzpah to do, frankly) which was absolutely delicious, and clearly better than just letting them scoop it out of a tub. We had a nice dinner and then went back to my place for the evening.
It was good to see him, and I enjoy his company. It's nice to have an actual date. With someone who is actually available. And self-supporting. And has a car.
But he went on home after a while, and I had to turn in. I have that %$$#@!! 8:15am doctor's appointment in the morning; and work of course.
I made some tater tots for breakfast, since they were in the freezer and a delicious, and contemplated all that needed to be done today.
I stripped the bed and started washing everything, and then confronted the bottles of wine RBL had given me a week or so ago. Guests had left five bottles of red wine open at their place, and since Billy doesn't cook with it, they sent it home with me. Three of them we full, just inexplicably open. One was half full, and I dumped it in a pot with another butt-end of red cooking wine I already had to reduce down by about half. Then I had to figure out what to do with it.
Although I was afraid that the reduced wine would be too strong, I decided to go with a mushroom bourguignon. I ran to the store for mushrooms and the rest of the stuff I needed to make it, and set to work. I had found the recipe online, and it hadn't had many reviews. Although that is not unusual with vegetarian dishes, it turned out distinctly bland. Despite my worries about the reduced wine being too strong, you could barely taste it, so I basically ended up with something that was like watered-down hamburger helper. Very disappointing, especially since my sauce was lovely and brown, and the perfect consistency - just not a lot of flavor.
Resignedly, I packed it up for lunches, and vowed to try again. I have plenty of wine, after all.
While I was waiting for laundry to cycle through, I decided to get out my new water pitcher and do some water checks. I had purchased a Pur water pitcher after Christmas,and then bought a Zero Water pitcher a month or so ago. These were to replace my old Brita pitchers I've had for years. I was quite impressed with the Pur commercial where they take the red wine out of water while the Brita pitcher fails. The Zero water came with a water tester though, and I really like the idea of being able to tell exactly how well the filter is working, rather than just buying one every three months because it is 'time'.
Both the Pur and the Brita were due to be changed, and I thought I would see how well my filters were working. Testing the Pur pitcher showed there were 22ppm of debris in the water. The Brita results were 18ppm (this was on filters that had been in use for three months). The Zero Water test was 000ppm. Just for fun, I tested plain tap water, and it was 21ppm - LESS than the Pur water, so apparently the Pur filter wsa dumping accumulated stuff back in my water. So if the tester is reliable (it came with the Pur filter, so who knows what chicanery they might be employing), the Pur filter is clearly superior. Interesting.
I put the bed back together, cleaned up the kitchen, and got in touch with Larry, who had been waiting on me all day. He told me last week he wanted to get together, but I have been really busy, was out of town yesterday, and then had chores to do today.
So he came by and we went to Corona's for an early dinner (by that time I was starving). Of course, as he was en route, RBL had invited me to dinner. I love 'em to pieces, but this 10-minute notice thing is nuts. I don't mind doing stuff spontaneously sometimes, so I haven't said anything, but them expecting everyone to just drop everything when they put out the critter call (especially when you have to book weeks in advance to see them) smacks just a bit of hubris.
It was good to see Larry, and we caught up over dinner. He ordered fresh guacamole to be made for us(which I would never have the chutzpah to do, frankly) which was absolutely delicious, and clearly better than just letting them scoop it out of a tub. We had a nice dinner and then went back to my place for the evening.
It was good to see him, and I enjoy his company. It's nice to have an actual date. With someone who is actually available. And self-supporting. And has a car.
But he went on home after a while, and I had to turn in. I have that %$$#@!! 8:15am doctor's appointment in the morning; and work of course.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
A post in which I head for the mountains*
I was up too early - insomnia again - and fell into the internet vortex for a while, culminating in my driving to Spartanburg for a buddy visit. But it was a nice visit, and I decided to treat myself and pick up breakfast from Panera on the way in. I don't usually do that because of the calories. I LOVE the baked egg souffles, but they have 19 grams of saturated fat in them, but they are gorgeously delicious. So with a 950 calorie breakfast under my belt (with the addition of a chocolate croissant, and really why would you bother to stop without picking up on of those, right?) (oy), I lay down for a nap. I know. But I had been up really early, and I knew today would be tiring.
When I got up, I got cleaned up, packed a bag with various layers of clothes (it is pretty, but still
unseasonably chilly), and headed out. It was a beautiful day, although unfortunately a bit too early for everything to be in bloom. I made it up in good time, and met Angela, Joanne, Karl, and Joanne's boyfriend du jour Luigi at a tapas place called Curate for lunch. It was fantastic. Seriously. Everything I tried was really delicious. I met Karl, who is a big teddy bear of a guy with gi-normous hands (just sayin'). He was really nice, and I fell right into conversation with all of them.
After lunch we wandered over to The Asheville Wine Market for a bottle of Lambrusco, which we both love. I picked up some taralli, which I love, and which are inexplicably unavailable for love or money in Greenville. We then headed to the Chocolate Lounge for dessert. That was really the only thing that I really wanted to do today, other than meet up with them and spend time. I am not a 'chocolate person', per se. I like chocolate. It is not a religion, nor does it sustain my soul, as it seems to for some. But the lavender liquid truffle at the chocolate lounge is seriously one of the very best things I have ever put in my mouth. And I have had some good stuff in my mouth. It is worth the ride up there just for that!
We took dessert back to Joann's apartment, and talked for a while. She has a great little place, with a big window that looks out over the city to the mountains. Usually when Angela comes we are all over the place, but today we were more relaxed. We chatted and drank wine, and kind of caught up on each other's lives. She and Joann ran to the dog park with the dog, and Karl stayed behind to talk with me, occasionally running to check on a load of laundry. He's a really nice guy, and I really like him. He's a foodie too (although his knowledge is more extensive than mine), so we had common ground and I really enjoyed getting to know him a bit.
Lisa, Cole, and Ava showed up about 6, and we were back off downtown for some supper. The place they wanted to go looked conspicuously trendy to me, and I was a bit put off, but there was an hour and a half wait to get in, and we decided to go back up the hill to a place Karl had seen called The Noodle Shop. The food was pretty good. I mean, nothing was burnt. But after such an amazing lunch and dessert, dinner was just a bit of a let-down. But the company was great, and it was good to all be together. I really enjoyed dinner.
After supper, we went by the Chocolate Lounge, but by that time there was an enormous line out the door (that place seriously needs to expand, or put a liquid truffle barista out on the street, or something), so we just went on back to the apartment. I hung out for a while and visited with Lisa and the kids; but it was getting late, and I had a long drive down the mountain, so I didn't stay too awfully long before bidding my goodbyes and heading out.
It was a lovely day, and I'm thinking seriously about visiting Pennsylvania now...
When I got up, I got cleaned up, packed a bag with various layers of clothes (it is pretty, but still
unseasonably chilly), and headed out. It was a beautiful day, although unfortunately a bit too early for everything to be in bloom. I made it up in good time, and met Angela, Joanne, Karl, and Joanne's boyfriend du jour Luigi at a tapas place called Curate for lunch. It was fantastic. Seriously. Everything I tried was really delicious. I met Karl, who is a big teddy bear of a guy with gi-normous hands (just sayin'). He was really nice, and I fell right into conversation with all of them. After lunch we wandered over to The Asheville Wine Market for a bottle of Lambrusco, which we both love. I picked up some taralli, which I love, and which are inexplicably unavailable for love or money in Greenville. We then headed to the Chocolate Lounge for dessert. That was really the only thing that I really wanted to do today, other than meet up with them and spend time. I am not a 'chocolate person', per se. I like chocolate. It is not a religion, nor does it sustain my soul, as it seems to for some. But the lavender liquid truffle at the chocolate lounge is seriously one of the very best things I have ever put in my mouth. And I have had some good stuff in my mouth. It is worth the ride up there just for that!
We took dessert back to Joann's apartment, and talked for a while. She has a great little place, with a big window that looks out over the city to the mountains. Usually when Angela comes we are all over the place, but today we were more relaxed. We chatted and drank wine, and kind of caught up on each other's lives. She and Joann ran to the dog park with the dog, and Karl stayed behind to talk with me, occasionally running to check on a load of laundry. He's a really nice guy, and I really like him. He's a foodie too (although his knowledge is more extensive than mine), so we had common ground and I really enjoyed getting to know him a bit.
Lisa, Cole, and Ava showed up about 6, and we were back off downtown for some supper. The place they wanted to go looked conspicuously trendy to me, and I was a bit put off, but there was an hour and a half wait to get in, and we decided to go back up the hill to a place Karl had seen called The Noodle Shop. The food was pretty good. I mean, nothing was burnt. But after such an amazing lunch and dessert, dinner was just a bit of a let-down. But the company was great, and it was good to all be together. I really enjoyed dinner.
After supper, we went by the Chocolate Lounge, but by that time there was an enormous line out the door (that place seriously needs to expand, or put a liquid truffle barista out on the street, or something), so we just went on back to the apartment. I hung out for a while and visited with Lisa and the kids; but it was getting late, and I had a long drive down the mountain, so I didn't stay too awfully long before bidding my goodbyes and heading out.
It was a lovely day, and I'm thinking seriously about visiting Pennsylvania now...
Friday, April 5, 2013
A post in which I'm out with my best girl Rhonda
I got my appointment worked out with the doctor's office today. I decided just to bite the bullet and go on in Monday morning to get it out of the way -ugh.
I have a good weekend coming up. Angela is in Asheville, and I'm going to see her, Joann, Lisa and the kids tomorrow, so that will be fun.
I probably should have gone on home tonight, but I haven't seen Rhonda in a while. I wanted to catch up with her from Frolicon, and talk to her about this Dick and Eve thing. So I called and asked her out to dinner. Of course, since it is spring, and since I had made plans, I was asked out on several dates tonight, but I didn't really mind telling them no. There is nothing sexier to a gay man than indifference, so telling them no every once and a while keeps me alluring.
When I picked Rhonda up, I could see Tony's new car sitting there. It's a Mercury, and it's pretty old, so he's going to have problems with it. But since he went to buy it by himself, and since he isn't very good at taking suggestions, I let it lie. He's bought it now, so it's too late anyway. At least it isn't a Topaz - one of the worst cars that ever rolled (for a while, anyway).
I barley got Rhonda in the car before I dumped out the whole Dick and Eve mess in her lap. Bless her heart. She has done so much for me, and I just keep asking for more. She's a wonderful listener, and knows all the background, which makes it so much easier for me to talk to her. She was supportive and caring, and told me what I wanted to hear, and what I figure is probably the right thing to do. I'm just having a hard time convincing myself.
Since I had made it to Rhonda's early, we went out to the mall for a bit, just to walk around and get out of the house. The less money I have, the strong the urge to buy things seems to be. Fortunately, there wasn't much on offer that I needed or wanted. We looked at fancy purses, and looked over the new china patterns, picking out ones we liked, and inadvertently alerting the saleswoman at first - I think she thought we were there to register. Belk's had a sale going on polo shirts, and since I wear those to work, I can always use a couple. I bought one in an orange sherbet color, and one in pastel aqua. It's hard to beat two decent polos for $25.
By this time we were starting to get a bit peckish, and headed on over to Adam's Bistro for supper. Despite eating so much fish this week, I couldn't resist having a tuna melt. As usual it was transcendent. They make such a fabulous tuna melt there, and it is one of my absolute favorite sandwiches. I also had the pasta salad, which was even better than I remembered. I wish I could figure out how they get it to be so delicious. I paid $10 for a pound of it to take home, which is completely ridiculous, but it's so good I just can't resist. We ate at an outside table (the weather is finally warming up), and she told me about her adventures at Frolicon as we ate and the sun went down. It was a bit chilly by the time we finished, but not enough to dissuade me from a piece of chocolate cheesecake, which was utterly decadent.
I ran Rhonda home after supper, and after talking for a while I headed on home. It was great to see her. Big day tomorrow!!
I have a good weekend coming up. Angela is in Asheville, and I'm going to see her, Joann, Lisa and the kids tomorrow, so that will be fun.
I probably should have gone on home tonight, but I haven't seen Rhonda in a while. I wanted to catch up with her from Frolicon, and talk to her about this Dick and Eve thing. So I called and asked her out to dinner. Of course, since it is spring, and since I had made plans, I was asked out on several dates tonight, but I didn't really mind telling them no. There is nothing sexier to a gay man than indifference, so telling them no every once and a while keeps me alluring.
When I picked Rhonda up, I could see Tony's new car sitting there. It's a Mercury, and it's pretty old, so he's going to have problems with it. But since he went to buy it by himself, and since he isn't very good at taking suggestions, I let it lie. He's bought it now, so it's too late anyway. At least it isn't a Topaz - one of the worst cars that ever rolled (for a while, anyway).
I barley got Rhonda in the car before I dumped out the whole Dick and Eve mess in her lap. Bless her heart. She has done so much for me, and I just keep asking for more. She's a wonderful listener, and knows all the background, which makes it so much easier for me to talk to her. She was supportive and caring, and told me what I wanted to hear, and what I figure is probably the right thing to do. I'm just having a hard time convincing myself.
Since I had made it to Rhonda's early, we went out to the mall for a bit, just to walk around and get out of the house. The less money I have, the strong the urge to buy things seems to be. Fortunately, there wasn't much on offer that I needed or wanted. We looked at fancy purses, and looked over the new china patterns, picking out ones we liked, and inadvertently alerting the saleswoman at first - I think she thought we were there to register. Belk's had a sale going on polo shirts, and since I wear those to work, I can always use a couple. I bought one in an orange sherbet color, and one in pastel aqua. It's hard to beat two decent polos for $25.
By this time we were starting to get a bit peckish, and headed on over to Adam's Bistro for supper. Despite eating so much fish this week, I couldn't resist having a tuna melt. As usual it was transcendent. They make such a fabulous tuna melt there, and it is one of my absolute favorite sandwiches. I also had the pasta salad, which was even better than I remembered. I wish I could figure out how they get it to be so delicious. I paid $10 for a pound of it to take home, which is completely ridiculous, but it's so good I just can't resist. We ate at an outside table (the weather is finally warming up), and she told me about her adventures at Frolicon as we ate and the sun went down. It was a bit chilly by the time we finished, but not enough to dissuade me from a piece of chocolate cheesecake, which was utterly decadent.
I ran Rhonda home after supper, and after talking for a while I headed on home. It was great to see her. Big day tomorrow!!
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