A post in which I am an unwitting accomplice

Work was beastly today. The powers that be have decided that the monthly presentation is due by 3pm tomorrow. Insanity, but apparently they would rather have it fast than good. To make things extra nice, none of the automatic reports ran last night, and I spent half the day following up with IT to just try to get the information I need when it should have been here when I came in. Fortunately, I can pull some of my own reports, so I just went ahead and pulled all the ones I could and worked from them.

After work, I had an appointment to get my hair cut. I walked in to find Russ in the midst of several things, taking phone calls, instructing a new assistant, etc. I settled in to read and didn’t really pay that much attention. It turns out he was making arrangements to pick up another dog tonight. I wondered how long it would be after Oliver died that he would be wanting another animal. He and Billy have discussed it of course, and Billy said absolutely not. But Billy is in London right now.

It turns out that someone basically abandoned a shih tzu at the groomers, and the guy is a friend of Russ’s. They’ve been taking their dogs to him for years. He called Russ to see if he wanted it, and of course Russ couldn’t resist the lure of an abandoned dog. We were told that the dog was only 11 weeks old, but when we got there, he was a lot bigger than we were expecting. But he still has his milk teeth, so he can’t be that old. It is a cute little thing, and it is a chocolate, which is apparently a rare color.

I know the groomer too. I’ve known him for many years. He was one of the prettiest men in Greenville at one time. I had a big crush on him when I was a young’un, but got over it. I hated him to see me at this weight – he of course hasn’t gained a pound in twenty years. We used to be friends-in-law, since I dated a guy he was friends with, and we had a mutual friend who died. I haven’t seen him in a long time though. As pretty was he was, vanity was not kind to him. He decided to have silicone injected into his face to give himself higher cheekbones. That was all the rage among the drag queens at the time. The silicone fell, which gives him a kind of chipmunk-cheeked effect. Apparently it has taken its toll on his face. I was surprised at how old he looked. He seemed to be happy to see me, and showed me around his older arts-and-crafts home he’s fixing up. He’s way into 60’s retro. The living room was a surprisingly appealing den of rust/orange and stone.

He kind of personifies a phrase that’s been floating around in my head a lot lately. “If ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise.” This guy is not Einstein. He’s not an idiot, but he isn’t going to take a Nobel Prize or anything. He has had a series of lovers, usually about the same age, and virtually interchangeable - shorter dark haired and dark eyed guys who hardly ever say a word. True to form, the latest one came out while we were there. I introduced myself, but he didn’t speak a single word to me.

On the one hand, apparently these relationships are fairly superficial, at least from the outside, or as far as longevity goes. On the other hand, he seems happy enough, and is never by himself. Its days like today that make me wish I could trade some IQ points for a simpler inner life. Things would be so much easier if I could be happy with less. Would it be wrong to try a relationship with someone less complicated, who just loved me, or would they just get on my nerves after a while? I’ve never been able to sustain but one relationship, and he was much smarter than me. I’ve never been able to sustain interest in someone who doesn’t challenge me, or someone I feel is at least an equal. And what would be the point of being in a relationship with someone I had little in common with? What would the quality of the companionship be? I’ve never felt I could respect someone who was not on my intellectual level, but maybe the ability to sustain happiness is a lesson I could use. On the other hand, I can’t stand the thoughts of being hitched to one of the bleating sheep, watching American Idol every week for the rest of my life. But then my mother watches it, and I enjoy her company just fine. Could I be using (perhaps poorly-founded) elitism to push people away? And if I’m doing that should I even be looking for a relationship until I find out why? I guess I keep coming back to, would it be worse to settle than to have nothing? It seems simple when you put it that way, but it really isn’t.

And I'll apologize to you, gentle reader, for obsessing about this yet again. Even I'm tired of it. I keep thinking I can maybe write it out of my head for a bit, but it keeps not working. My brain is like a dog with a fucking bone. Here lately, I have been much more conscious of going mentally "on point" when a likely guy comes around too. Russ's new guy at the shop came out today, and I was automatically wondering if he's gay (I'm pretty sure he isn't), is he single, is he too young for me, etc. I'm checking for wedding rings before I even realize what I'm doing. It seems that most any stimulus at the moment, and this "I'm a-gonna trap me a man!" mentality jumps out like a jack-in-the box. It's making me more nuts than usual.

But I was already feeling old and used up today for some reason. I don’t know why. Today was one of those days that I just feel like it’s never going to happen for me again, and that I just need to resign myself to being single. Not that I have a real problem with being single, I guess. I’m getting used to being a second-class citizen again. But I’m lonely. Lately I haven’t even really wanted to go places any more. I’ve been doing it, and I'm usually glad when I get there, but there’s been much more of the little voice in my head asking me why. I got my hair cut tonight, and Russ did closer to a version of the “faux-hawk” I’ve been asking for than he has been willing to do in the past. I usually love to get a new look, and my hair looked great, but when I looked in the mirror all I could think was how fat and old I looked and how the haircut was too young for me. But that fluorescent lighting in his shop always makes me feel like I look awful.

Russ took the puppy out, and we had a brief kerfuffle when it came back in with some fire ants in its fur. Then he asked me if I wanted to go with him to drop it off and have some supper. The little thing settled contentedly on my lap for the ride. For such a young dog, he was very well behaved in the car. When we got to the house, the other dogs were skeptical. There was a lot of sniffing and posturing. I’m wondering how long it will be before the puppy cuteness wears off. It’s been seven years since they had a baby, and this one is still in the chewing stage and needs to be house-broken.

We went off to dinner at El Matador, where Russ revealed the convoluted sneakiness of his plan. Billy has given me strict instructions that one of my duties when I’m out with Russ is to make sure he doesn’t come home with any more animals. I’m usually pretty vigilant. By riding with him tonight, I am apparently now an accomplice to this adoption, and he’s planning on blaming the whole thing on me. I don’t think Billy will buy it, but it was a pretty sneaky thing to do. In the meantime, I had an enchilada so good it renewed my reason to live. We didn’t have my favorite waitress tonight, but Lordamercy that food is awesome.

A post in which I'm feeling much better

I turned on an awesome documentary called Before the Music Dies while I was getting ready for work today. It was so great, and made me think about Nicole. You don't have to be an intellectual heavyweight to know that new music put out by the industry gets progressively more plastic. This film confirms, explains, and shows some amazing artists. Super movie.

It was one of those Tuesdays. For some reason Tuesday is the day I pull my shit together and get stuff done. Fortunately placements at work have slowed a bit. I'm on top of my workload right now, as huge as it is. I sent an email today on my one new placement and got $10,000.00. I love those accounts.

My chest hurt a bit today, but I'm pretty sure at this point that it's just the usual onset of the pollen season. When I came outside today my car was dusted with it. Overall, that's a huge relief. I'm headed to Chapin this weekend to see Mom, Cole, and Ava. Mom's keeping them this weekend while Lisa and Carl go off for some couple time.

I dropped some stuff off at the library, and went by the grocery store on the way home for fill-in stuff. I spent $50 without really trying. Everything is so expensive. I got home and was making dinner when Justin called. He was on his way back from Georgia. He came over and visited for a bit. We caught up on what has been going on with him - mainly stories from the classroom. He's finishing up his apprenticeship as a student teacher. It was good to see him. When he left, I got in bed with Family Guy and drifted off. I love that Monday and Tuesday marathon.

A post in which I once again fear I am getting sick*

I woke up feeling like crap today. I don't know if it was because of all that cheap seafood or what, but I absolutely felt like garbage. And I have a busy week ahead too.

I futzed around the house for a while. I slept some more. By afternoon I was feeling better.

I can't decide if I'm getting depressed, or if this is just the onset of hay fever season, which always drags me out.

I didn't get much accomplished today. I really, really hope this upper respiratory thing isn't coming back.

I went to bed with the Family Guy marathon on.

A post in which I long for an invitation

I got up and had more veggie muffins today - yummy! It was beautiful outside but really windy, just as the weatherman predicted. I was restless. I decided to go to the flea market, even though I'm trying to cut down. I figured there would be a lot of people there, but I guess they didn't want to go out in the wind, because there were hardly any yard sale people. Which was fine. I had a list of things I needed, but didn't find most of it today. The Tide guy didn't have any Tide. I priced lawn mowers. I can get a decent fixed up used one for $60, about the same cost as having one fixed. The tool guy wasn't there. I did find a little screwdriver like I needed, but it was part of a set, and I ended up paying $5 for them, which was more than I wanted to pay for it. I got some produce. I couldn't find any Excedrin Tension Headache either, except in the mondo size, and expired. I usually keep it in my desk at work. I tossed a little pack of Goody powers I had at the house into my briefcase to take in. I called Anna because I felt like going on down to Anderson, but she didn't answer, as is pretty usual. I have got to get that girl a cell phone.

I got home and ate some lunch. I had gotten avocados so I could have California Clubs this week for dinner, so I made one today. Afterwards I decided to go ahead and make lunches for this week. I made some pasta and tossed it with sauce I pulled out of the freezer. I wanted to go ahead and get chores done this morning so I could play this evening if I was invited to do so. I've spent so much time at home alone this month that I'm kind of climbing the walls.

After doing that, and cleaning the kitchen, I lay down for what I thought was a wee nappie, but the next thing I knew it was 4pm! I got up and got ready to go to the Goodwill before they closed. I wanted all those vases out of the house. If I decide to get rid of something I try to do it immediately, before I second-guess myself. The house is so small that it's just always good to get rid of something. I got everything loaded up and to the Goodwill. I cruised the store too, but didn't score.

By this time, Russ had called and asked if I wanted to hang out this afternoon, which I absolutely did. I got home, got cleaned up, and got out of the shower in time for Justin to call. Apparently it was my day to be popular. I jumped in the car and headed to Russ's.

When I got there, we caught up a bit, and loaded a freezer to take over the Miss Helen. Apparently she's really into the survivalist thing these days and is stockpiling food. We got there and unloaded, then went upstairs with dana for a visit. I really like dana. We talked and laughed for a while, and then Russ was ready to eat.

We both had the munchies something awful, and were trying to decide where to eat. We had decided on Mexican and were headed back to the East side, when Russ mentioned that we were going to pass Golden Corral. At the same time, we both said "Seafood celebration!!" They have been having a seafood thing lately, and I decided I could just murder some crab cakes. So off we went. They have strawberry soda in the fountain there. I was astonished. So we dived upon the buffet and ate like crazed weasels. The coconut shrimp were over-cooked, but it's hard to mess up shrimp. The breading and their little tails were all crispy. The little scallops had been thrown in the fryer still frozen, and so escaped without being badly overcooked, unusually. The fried fish was surprisingly excellent. The crab cakes were mostly breading, as I had expected, but there was some real crab in them. The problem was that they were so over-spiced that all you could taste was the seafood spice blend they had in them. They were also heavy and greasy. I had two and a half. Then it was time for dessert. I tried a couple of things, but they had these little tiny chocolate chess pies that were just fucking heaven. They were WONDERFUL. After that I was stuffed. Those crab cakes were laid in my stomach like hockey pucks.

We went back to Russ's, but we had eaten until we basically couldn't move. Or sit up and even talk and visit. After a few minutes, Russ announced that he had to go to bed. I went home and did the same thing.

Apparently I wasted a bunch of energy wondering where things with the guy from work might go - he didn't call all weekend. Just as well I guess.

A post in which it is a rainy yucckky day

I got up this morning and had homemade veggie sausage McMuffins (come and get me Ronald), which I had been looking forward to all week, along with some Indian tea. Thus fueled, I proceeded to do nothing for a bit. As the sun came up, I could see it raining and raining and raining. Eventually I put in some laundry - I figured that was the least I could do. That got me a bit motivated.

I thought of all the things around here that need doing, and how this was a perfect day to do them. I decided to do what I call "organic cleaning". It's where you just start in doing stuff without really having a plan, and do things along the way. For instance:

* There was still a hole in the pictures over the fireplace from where I got that new big painting Valentine's weekend. I have a poster here that hasn't been up in a while that I decided to put up there, using a frame from another picture that was in the kitchen. The poster had been behind a chest of drawers in the bedroom. When I moved the chest of drawers out, it was dusty back there and needed to be moved completely and cleaned out. So I moved the chest out.

* I got out the vacuum to clean out back there and to get the worst of the dust off the cover that was over the poster. I realized I really have to change the bag in the vacuum.

* I went under the kitchen sink to get vacuum bags, but I'm out. While I was under there, I took everything out from under the sink, sorted through it, tossed what needed to be tossed, and moved some stuff around. I really need new shelf paper under there, but I wasn't taking that on today. I put vacuum bags that on the list and re-organized everything as I put it back in. I had seen on How Clean is Your House? that you never throw away a tooth brush, because they can be used to clean. Apparently I took that to heart. I found 23 old tooth brushes under the sinks today.

The toothbrushes I found under the sinks today. Wow, this just gets more and more riveting doesn't it? Sorry readers, it was a slow day.

The nine vases I'm taking to Goodwill tomorrow. I kept a couple, plus I have antique vases. OK, first, there hasn't been a fresh flower in this house since my surgery last summer. Second, even Zsa Zsa Gabor doesn't need this many vases. I think I have been guilty of being a prisoner of optimism.

* While I was under the sink I found one insert for an air freshener I no longer use, so I dug around under the bathroom sink for it, put the insert in, and plugged it in. While I was under there, I cleaned out under the bathroom sink as well. I had stopped using air fresheners because my ex didn't like them. Now I found out they cause cancer, so I'll just throw it away after the insert dries out. But that's something out from under two sinks.

* When I was finishing up under the kitchen sink, I found some drain stuff I didn't know I had, and used it on the slow drain in the bathroom.

* After I finished all that, I cleaned the picture frame, put the poster in it, and hung it. It doesn't look great there, but it looks better than a hole. I'm going to do a collage of family pictures in the kitchen so they'll all be in there with me while I'm cooking.

I had planned on finishing up by cleaning the bedroom, but the vacuum was full, and I wasn't about to go out in the rain to get more vacuum bags, which was as good an excuse as any. I had vases all over the kitchen waiting to go to Goodwill tomorrow. I soaked my new teapot to get all the labels off of it, put it in the cabinet, and got out my old one to go tomorrow. It was a cheap-o and droozles tea everywhere when I use it.

I kind of got a bit blue over the vases. I used to get flowers on Valentine's Day, our anniversary, and sometimes on my birthday. I guess it will be a good while before I get any more. I had kept them around to take flowers to BB in at the home, but now she's in Hendersonville, so I won't see her as often. It is time for them to go, but it still kind of makes me sad. I can't bear to throw out the dead flowers either. Michael always used to have to do that.

I ate some lunch and took a wee nappie.

Jeremiah texted me today that he was coming over, so I went ahead and got cleaned up. He stood me up, as usual, which was pretty much what I expected. I went on to the store. I picked up some paint and brushes, but decided it was too wet to paint when I got home. I am so ready to paint the bedroom and living room. I have to have someone to help me move furniture in the bedroom though. Plus I'm having this big debate over whether I need to do the ceilings again first.

I got the right vacuum bags on the first try, changed out the bag, and vacuumed a bit. I had forgotten how good my vacuum is - that thing really sucks!

By this point, my motivation was pretty much over. I did get some stuff done today. I finished all the laundry except for the sheets. I always kind of leave the sheets til Sunday just in case.

I made some supper, and sat down to watch telly. The TCM Essential tonight was Ben-Hur. I hadn't seen that one before, so I watched it all the way through. I'm not a huge Charlton Heston fan, and most of the movie had a kind of mui-macho plot line (despite the famed homo-erotic subtext) that was a bit much for me (you hurt my women-folk, so I'm-a gonna getcha!), but it was a good movie. It was also distracting to me that the villain's name was Messala. Garam masala is an Indian spice, so that kept making me think about Indian food. I was ready for sleep before it was over, but I stayed up to watch it all.

A post in which I have dinner with Russ

Work was tying and tying and tying up loose ends today. But thankfully, placements seem to have slowed a bit (crossing fingers).

It rained and rained and rained; and it's supposed to rain some more this weekend. Everything is sodden and gray. But apparently we are still not out of the *&&%$@!! drought we're supposed to be in. I don't see how we can possibly still be too dry. Donnie and I were texting about it today. He says apparently it isn't over until the cows swim home. Lordamercy.

I took the last of my second round of antibiotics yesterday. I'm waiting anxiously to see if this crap starts back up. I'm planning on starting back with the exercise next week. I'm crossing my fingers again about that one. I have got to drop some weight.

When I got home I just relaxed a bit, profoundly thankful to have a couple of days off, and waited for Russ to call.

We went out for seafood and kind of caught up on what we had been doing. I didn't have a terrible lot to relate, as I have been home not feeling well for most of March. It was good to see Russ. We hadn't seen each other in too long.

I tried JB today, but his number is disconnected as well. Russ says he'll put me in touch with his handyman though. I have plenty of stuff around here that needs doing.

After dinner, I called Miss Kat's house since I was in the neighborhood. She's out of town again with a company acquisition she's been working on, and dana had been called in to work for the weekend.

I went home and fooled around on line a bit, played some video games. Then I turned on Howl's Moving Castle and went to sleep.

A post with the latest picture of sweet Ava

The latest picture of my darlin angel baby neice Ava. Just like her Uncle Steve. She ain't happy unless she has a tiger by the tail.