I saw the doc today. I had managed to get most of my frustration under control by then, but I was still pretty flusterpated. Eve went with me to get the details. I was told that my blood was not yet thin enough, and that the daily injections would have to continue. But they agreed to give me the stuff and let me do the injections myself so that I didn't have to do the co-pay every day. He increased my dosage of oral thinners also.
So I went through 'giving yourself a shot' class with Fran, the injection nurse, who has been super nice to me. She was very patient and assured me that she didn't think I would have any problems.
I should be able to have the port out in about a month, barring complications, and I have another 3-4 months of blood thinners ahead of me. I'm thinking that once I get this port out, I'm not going to have any more problems, but taking an extra pill (or three) a day for a while is relatively small potatoes, although there are side effects and complications with blood thinners also, of course. Dad has been on Coumadin for years though, and many people are on it leading basically normal lives. Compared to chemotherapy, it's a freakin cake walk, I'll just tell you.
I called Rhonda from the doc's, and by the time I got over there I was feeling better.
We visited for a while, and checked the web for Vitamin-K rich foods (which are contra-indicated when you're on blood thinners). After being blown away by the sheer scope of foods I"m supposed to avoid, we decided to go to supper.
Tonight I took her to Saffron. I've rhapsodized about Saffron before, but after the last bear dinner a couple of weeks ago I had been pretty impatient to go back. The last time I went I was still afraid to eat spicy food, and I had to order my curry so bland that I was a bit disappointed. Not so tonight. My tummy is back at full strength, and I was able to order my food the way I wanted. I also ordered a sampling of their fantastic appetizers, and finished the meal off with the gulab jamun for dessert. They make the best galub jamun I have ever eaten. They are phenomenal.
Since Rhonda is a light eater, I ate most everything on the table. It was a huge meal, but one that we both enjoyed immensely. After we ate, Rhonda obligingly rolled me out to the car. We went back to her place and visited for a while before I went home and turned in. A capital Friday evening :)
Friday, February 10, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
A post in which I go to dinner
I heard from Eve today. She and Dad are back from New Orleans. They got in last night. I told her about my arm and what's been going on. I purposely hadn't told them while they were out of town because I was afraid that Dad would kill them or get a ticket or something trying to get home. Had they been here there wouldn't have been a thing they could do anyway. She didn't fuss at me, which I had expected.
After my shot today, I went by to see Dad for a minute at the house. He seemed in pretty good spirits, all things considered, and I left feeling better.
After several days of pain and difficulty I made my bed for the first time this week today. I felt encouraged.
I had planned to take Russ, Billy, and Logan out to dinner tonight to celebrate my first alternate Thursday with no chemo since last August (!!). I had considered calling off the dinner earlier in the week because I really didn't feel like celebrating. Also, I got some bad news today. One of the nurses let it slip that the daily shots aren't over tomorrow, as I had thought. That bothers me for two reasons.
First, it's a $25 co-pay every time I go over there. Since I've been over every day this week, that's $125 for the week. I can't afford that every week. For four weeks that's $500. That's more than my house payment. (I have a small house.)
Second and perhaps more importantly, that means this is just going to go on and on. I thought this was over when chemo was finished. It is SO discouraging to be going to the Cancer Center every day. And now this is just going to drag out and out. I felt very discouraged and frustrated, and frankly not a bit like celebrating.
Another source of frustration this week has been that the new guy, Rick, is not responding to me. I've sent texts and emails, and messages through Bear411, but crickets. So he's acting like a man. Dammit.
But Russ remembered that we had plans tonight, and I decided to suck it up and go on and do it. They've been wonderful through all of this, and I have a lot of thank you's still to do. Best to get one knocked down.
But the blows for the day weren't over. I got to the house and kind of unloaded on Billy and Logan. I am just so frustrated with this complication - I want my life back! Then Billy lowered the boom. Our favorite sushi place, our beloved Miyako, has closed. Well more precisely has merged with a place called Irashiai. Now back in the day, Irashiai was da bomb. It was the best sushi place in Greenville. But they changed locations, and things kind of went downhill a bit, and then the food wasn't as good, and finally I just quit going.
After some discussion. we decided to give Irashiai another chance. When we went in, we saw one of our favorite waitresses in the new place. She came over and spoke to us. She then sent the old Miyako manager over to speak to us. She in turn sent over the Irashiai manager to introduce herself. I have to say, we were feeling like valued customers. I felt like a visiting diplomat or something. But Miyako was really kind of a hang-out for us, and they seemed to understand that. The food we had was good. The Mussels Yaki were as good as I remembered. Some things we had were better than others. But we all agreed we would go back. Sadly, some of my favorite rolls may be gone forever. One may not make it onto the new menu (we were told that they were going to add some of the Miyako dishes), and one they were serving as a special that day, but it didn't taste the same. It was good, but not the same.
But we had a good meal, and I thanked them. Plus I felt better about the new complications, so it was a win/win I think.
After my shot today, I went by to see Dad for a minute at the house. He seemed in pretty good spirits, all things considered, and I left feeling better.
After several days of pain and difficulty I made my bed for the first time this week today. I felt encouraged.
I had planned to take Russ, Billy, and Logan out to dinner tonight to celebrate my first alternate Thursday with no chemo since last August (!!). I had considered calling off the dinner earlier in the week because I really didn't feel like celebrating. Also, I got some bad news today. One of the nurses let it slip that the daily shots aren't over tomorrow, as I had thought. That bothers me for two reasons.
First, it's a $25 co-pay every time I go over there. Since I've been over every day this week, that's $125 for the week. I can't afford that every week. For four weeks that's $500. That's more than my house payment. (I have a small house.)
Second and perhaps more importantly, that means this is just going to go on and on. I thought this was over when chemo was finished. It is SO discouraging to be going to the Cancer Center every day. And now this is just going to drag out and out. I felt very discouraged and frustrated, and frankly not a bit like celebrating.
Another source of frustration this week has been that the new guy, Rick, is not responding to me. I've sent texts and emails, and messages through Bear411, but crickets. So he's acting like a man. Dammit.
But Russ remembered that we had plans tonight, and I decided to suck it up and go on and do it. They've been wonderful through all of this, and I have a lot of thank you's still to do. Best to get one knocked down.
But the blows for the day weren't over. I got to the house and kind of unloaded on Billy and Logan. I am just so frustrated with this complication - I want my life back! Then Billy lowered the boom. Our favorite sushi place, our beloved Miyako, has closed. Well more precisely has merged with a place called Irashiai. Now back in the day, Irashiai was da bomb. It was the best sushi place in Greenville. But they changed locations, and things kind of went downhill a bit, and then the food wasn't as good, and finally I just quit going.
After some discussion. we decided to give Irashiai another chance. When we went in, we saw one of our favorite waitresses in the new place. She came over and spoke to us. She then sent the old Miyako manager over to speak to us. She in turn sent over the Irashiai manager to introduce herself. I have to say, we were feeling like valued customers. I felt like a visiting diplomat or something. But Miyako was really kind of a hang-out for us, and they seemed to understand that. The food we had was good. The Mussels Yaki were as good as I remembered. Some things we had were better than others. But we all agreed we would go back. Sadly, some of my favorite rolls may be gone forever. One may not make it onto the new menu (we were told that they were going to add some of the Miyako dishes), and one they were serving as a special that day, but it didn't taste the same. It was good, but not the same.
But we had a good meal, and I thanked them. Plus I felt better about the new complications, so it was a win/win I think.
Monday, February 6, 2012
A post in which I see the doc
By the time I got through my morning routine and to work I was hurting so badly that I really didn't feel like working on anything. Fortunately my desk is fairly clear right now.
I waited for a call from the Cancer Center. I had been assured that they would call me first thing this morning to schedule an appointment with the doc. I finally called them, only to be told that they most likely would not be informed of anything that happened over the weekend, and that I would have to leave yet another message, which I did.
They did call me back fairly quickly, and I got in to see the doctor. He scheduled me for another sonogram immediately, and got me an injection of blood thinners. He also told me that he thought the same thing that I did, but that the swelling under my arm worried him. If that was a swollen lymph node, that would be a 'bad sign'. I was scared and called Rhonda to go with me to the second sonogram.
The woman that did it basically told me that a) I do have a blood clot; and b) that she really couldn't believe they didn't find it this weekend.
So the blood thinner injections continue, and I have another meeting with the doc on Friday to see if my blood is thin enough, and where we go from here. The pain is supposed to be gone in a couple of days. Lovely.
I waited for a call from the Cancer Center. I had been assured that they would call me first thing this morning to schedule an appointment with the doc. I finally called them, only to be told that they most likely would not be informed of anything that happened over the weekend, and that I would have to leave yet another message, which I did.
They did call me back fairly quickly, and I got in to see the doctor. He scheduled me for another sonogram immediately, and got me an injection of blood thinners. He also told me that he thought the same thing that I did, but that the swelling under my arm worried him. If that was a swollen lymph node, that would be a 'bad sign'. I was scared and called Rhonda to go with me to the second sonogram.
The woman that did it basically told me that a) I do have a blood clot; and b) that she really couldn't believe they didn't find it this weekend.
So the blood thinner injections continue, and I have another meeting with the doc on Friday to see if my blood is thin enough, and where we go from here. The pain is supposed to be gone in a couple of days. Lovely.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
A post in which my arm hurts
I got basically nothing done today. It was all I could do to get the sheets changed because my arm was hurthing so badly. I called the Cancer Center and begged the nurse practitioner on duty to do something, but she told me they couldn't give me any blood thinners (the treatment for a clot) until the doctor had seen me. I was very frustrated.
In the end, I wasted most of the day. I finally decided that I had to get up and get cleaned up, and that I could lay around at Russ and Billy's house and be pitiful as well as I could lay around my house.
After a very painful shower I headed their way. We ordered in Chinese food and I had some gorgeous curry shrimp. I'm so glad my tummy is back. I've eaten so much bland food I really have no time set to eat anything bland - like ever again. We watched some telly and I headed home. It was a nice enough evening all things considered.
In the end, I wasted most of the day. I finally decided that I had to get up and get cleaned up, and that I could lay around at Russ and Billy's house and be pitiful as well as I could lay around my house.
After a very painful shower I headed their way. We ordered in Chinese food and I had some gorgeous curry shrimp. I'm so glad my tummy is back. I've eaten so much bland food I really have no time set to eat anything bland - like ever again. We watched some telly and I headed home. It was a nice enough evening all things considered.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
A post in which complications arise*
I was thrilled to be out of treatment and had a lovely weekend planned. I talked to a new guy on Bear411 this morning and he sounded nice. We ended up meeting. Rick was nice looking, seemed just as personable in person, and things went well. I am encouraged.
Unfortunately as the day went on my left arm began to *twinge*. "That's odd," I thought. "if I were having a heart attack I think it would hurt worse than this." I went on with my day and ate some lunch. I started to get clothes together for the Ballet Trockadero tonight. But my arm started hurting, and then I noticed it was swollen.
It just so happened that a co-worker whose husband had been through chemotherapy two years ago had the extact same problem - which she had just told me about on Friday. I suspected I had a blood clot in the arm from the port. I called the Cancer Center and they told me to to go to the emergency room for a sonogram. Oy. The emergency room on a Saturday afternoon. I knew it would be a zoo. Also, Gaslight had just come on TCM and I wanted to see it. Why is it that they never put good stuff on TCM on the weekend unless there is no way I can watch?
Anyway. I signed resignedly and packed a bag to take with me in case they admitted me. I know how dangerous a blood clot can be, and I knew this had to be seen to.
The emergency room was of course full. I was there for four and a half freakin hours. I was on a bed in the hall for a while, but fortunately a woman one of the ER cubbies stopped pooping in it and they were able to move me in. Yeah. It smelled worse than the elephant tent at the circus, but at that point I was two and a half hours in and encouraged with any sign of treatment or progress. I missed dinner out with Billy, Russ, Logan, and some friends from Atlanta whom I really wanted to see. I missed the ballet and had to call and cancel.
I finally called Rhonda to see if she was free for dinner. It was looking as if they weren't going to admit me and I was starving. She got there about the time they finished with me.
I was told that I do not have a blood clot (after getting the sonogram from a very nice woman). They did blood work and told me that I didn't have an infection. These are the two most common problems with a port. When I asked why my arm was swollen and purple I was told that the emergency room checked for 'emergent factors' and that I didn't have those. I was instructed to get with my doctor on Monday. If the pain became 'excruciating' I was to come back, but when I asked what they would do that they weren't doing now I really didn't get an answer. Grr.
I was pretty frustrated, but at that point I had been still long enough that my arm wasn't hurting much and I was hungry. It was obvious they weren't going to do anything more.
We left and headed downtown, where Rhonda made an illegal u-turn. Right in front of a cop. Yeah. He pulled us over and checked her license, but nicely let us go with a warning when he realized we weren't drunk or anything. We proceeded to dinner at the wonderful Liberty Taproom, where I had some deliciously spicy buffalo shrimp, a nice salad, and a side of their gorgeous blue cheese cole slaw, which is one of the many reasons I'm glad to still be alive.
After a nice meal we went back to my place to visit and talk for a while. I really love spending time with Rhonda. It was a nice end to a frustrating day. I hate that I had to miss out on all the fun stuff I had planned, but sometimes you just get thrown a monkey-wrench.
Unfortunately as the day went on my left arm began to *twinge*. "That's odd," I thought. "if I were having a heart attack I think it would hurt worse than this." I went on with my day and ate some lunch. I started to get clothes together for the Ballet Trockadero tonight. But my arm started hurting, and then I noticed it was swollen.
It just so happened that a co-worker whose husband had been through chemotherapy two years ago had the extact same problem - which she had just told me about on Friday. I suspected I had a blood clot in the arm from the port. I called the Cancer Center and they told me to to go to the emergency room for a sonogram. Oy. The emergency room on a Saturday afternoon. I knew it would be a zoo. Also, Gaslight had just come on TCM and I wanted to see it. Why is it that they never put good stuff on TCM on the weekend unless there is no way I can watch?
Anyway. I signed resignedly and packed a bag to take with me in case they admitted me. I know how dangerous a blood clot can be, and I knew this had to be seen to.
The emergency room was of course full. I was there for four and a half freakin hours. I was on a bed in the hall for a while, but fortunately a woman one of the ER cubbies stopped pooping in it and they were able to move me in. Yeah. It smelled worse than the elephant tent at the circus, but at that point I was two and a half hours in and encouraged with any sign of treatment or progress. I missed dinner out with Billy, Russ, Logan, and some friends from Atlanta whom I really wanted to see. I missed the ballet and had to call and cancel.
I finally called Rhonda to see if she was free for dinner. It was looking as if they weren't going to admit me and I was starving. She got there about the time they finished with me.
I was told that I do not have a blood clot (after getting the sonogram from a very nice woman). They did blood work and told me that I didn't have an infection. These are the two most common problems with a port. When I asked why my arm was swollen and purple I was told that the emergency room checked for 'emergent factors' and that I didn't have those. I was instructed to get with my doctor on Monday. If the pain became 'excruciating' I was to come back, but when I asked what they would do that they weren't doing now I really didn't get an answer. Grr.
I was pretty frustrated, but at that point I had been still long enough that my arm wasn't hurting much and I was hungry. It was obvious they weren't going to do anything more.
We left and headed downtown, where Rhonda made an illegal u-turn. Right in front of a cop. Yeah. He pulled us over and checked her license, but nicely let us go with a warning when he realized we weren't drunk or anything. We proceeded to dinner at the wonderful Liberty Taproom, where I had some deliciously spicy buffalo shrimp, a nice salad, and a side of their gorgeous blue cheese cole slaw, which is one of the many reasons I'm glad to still be alive.
After a nice meal we went back to my place to visit and talk for a while. I really love spending time with Rhonda. It was a nice end to a frustrating day. I hate that I had to miss out on all the fun stuff I had planned, but sometimes you just get thrown a monkey-wrench.
Friday, February 3, 2012
A post in which there is a meeting in the ladies room
Well not quite. But close enough.
I had a call from our Matriarch today, and she pretty much smacked my nose for sending the email I did yesterday. I did know that there would be resistance, but they way I was reprimanded was particularly painful for me.
She told me I wounded her. That my email knocked her down. When I apologized for disappointing her, she corrected me "I wouldn't say you disappointed me. I would say you wounded me." Being our Lady, she was of course gentle, but it put me in a very bad place. One of the things I had a really hard time with during the breakup from my ex was that he had told me that I was insensitive. He told me that I hurt my friends' feelings frequently without realizing it. That was pretty hard for me to deal with. I had finally kind of started to come out from under that pronouncement, but the conversation I had today put me back there. For a bit.
I went to lunch, took a step back for perspective, and thought for a bit. I tried to think if there was any way I could make up for what I had done. I decided all I could do was send an apology, and when I got back I did so. I also realized that I don't think Lady Beth realized how saying what she did would strike such a tender place, and so I was probably overreacting. I decided I needed to lay that down.
Russ invited me to the shop tonight. Miss Kat and dana were going to be there, but when I got there there were a bunch of people there. That worked out perfectly. By the time I got there, I had mostly worked through my chagrin from earlier in the day. Before I went back to the shop I nipped home and wrapped Rhonda's thank you present. I knew she was going to be there, and after the day I'd had I needed to do something nice to make myself feel better. The timing of the gift was a little bit selfish, but she seemed to really love the present.
Rhonda collects little porcelain hinged boxes. Among such collectors, the Limoges Box is highly prized. She had told me at Christmas that although she still collected boxes, she had given up on ever owning a real Limoges Box. I knew little to nothing about them, but it seemed like relatively small dream to be able to make come true. After doing the reading and looking at literally hundreds of boxes online, I ordered her one. I had also bought her a pair of amethyst earrings, after finding out that she preferred them to diamonds. So I added the earrings to thetrinkets that came with the box.
I love to give Rhonda gifts. She loves getting them so much, and I got a really big reaction tonight that was most gratifying, and purged most of the sting from earlier.
We went on to have pizza and a lively round table discussion about some concerns we all have with the family before an emailed moratorium from our Lady abruptly ended the discussion. We're to have a gatherin' o' the clan on March 4 to hash some things out.
In the meantime, I went home and to bed. It's been a rough day.
I had a call from our Matriarch today, and she pretty much smacked my nose for sending the email I did yesterday. I did know that there would be resistance, but they way I was reprimanded was particularly painful for me.
She told me I wounded her. That my email knocked her down. When I apologized for disappointing her, she corrected me "I wouldn't say you disappointed me. I would say you wounded me." Being our Lady, she was of course gentle, but it put me in a very bad place. One of the things I had a really hard time with during the breakup from my ex was that he had told me that I was insensitive. He told me that I hurt my friends' feelings frequently without realizing it. That was pretty hard for me to deal with. I had finally kind of started to come out from under that pronouncement, but the conversation I had today put me back there. For a bit.
I went to lunch, took a step back for perspective, and thought for a bit. I tried to think if there was any way I could make up for what I had done. I decided all I could do was send an apology, and when I got back I did so. I also realized that I don't think Lady Beth realized how saying what she did would strike such a tender place, and so I was probably overreacting. I decided I needed to lay that down.
Russ invited me to the shop tonight. Miss Kat and dana were going to be there, but when I got there there were a bunch of people there. That worked out perfectly. By the time I got there, I had mostly worked through my chagrin from earlier in the day. Before I went back to the shop I nipped home and wrapped Rhonda's thank you present. I knew she was going to be there, and after the day I'd had I needed to do something nice to make myself feel better. The timing of the gift was a little bit selfish, but she seemed to really love the present.
Rhonda collects little porcelain hinged boxes. Among such collectors, the Limoges Box is highly prized. She had told me at Christmas that although she still collected boxes, she had given up on ever owning a real Limoges Box. I knew little to nothing about them, but it seemed like relatively small dream to be able to make come true. After doing the reading and looking at literally hundreds of boxes online, I ordered her one. I had also bought her a pair of amethyst earrings, after finding out that she preferred them to diamonds. So I added the earrings to thetrinkets that came with the box.
I love to give Rhonda gifts. She loves getting them so much, and I got a really big reaction tonight that was most gratifying, and purged most of the sting from earlier.
We went on to have pizza and a lively round table discussion about some concerns we all have with the family before an emailed moratorium from our Lady abruptly ended the discussion. We're to have a gatherin' o' the clan on March 4 to hash some things out.
In the meantime, I went home and to bed. It's been a rough day.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A post in which it's been a while - sorry 'bout that
The truth is, there's been a lot going on.
I lost my voice in May. We didn't really know why. The doctor didn't either. After a very frustrating diagnostic square-dance that went on for three months, they told me I had Mixed-Cellularity subtype Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Cancer.
I've been through five months of ABVD chemotherapy now. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Treatment makes me nauseated and dizzy, among other things. I've lost almost all my hair (everywhere) and about 10 pounds (which I could well afford to lose). I have a port in my chest. The drug regimen has done irreparable damage to my lungs, and I'll never be able to have (pure, medical-grade) oxygen as a treatment again.
But the last PET scan they did was clear, and after going in with 50/50 odds of survival (which really makes you stop and think, trust me), they think I'm going to live.
It' been quite an experience. I have two treatments left. I go in on the 12th for treatment #11, and then my last chemo is scheduled for the 26th.
My dad has really stepped up to the plate and been wonderful. We had a talk a couple of weeks ago that I wish we'd had 20 years ago. I feel closer to him than I have in my life. My mother, after initially freaking out a bit (understandably) has stepped up as well, and she'll be here to go to treatment with me this week.
The Kindred have all be fantastic. Rhonda in particular has been a rock, and helped me so much I don't think I could have done this without her.
One of my big fears has always been that I would have something badly wrong with me, and that I wouldn't have anyone to look after me. I've been very surprised at how my friends and family have rallied round and really been there for me.
My perspectives have changed, understandably. I've been really surprised at how people I thought I didn't know that well have gone out of their way to do something special or extend a kindness. It's really restored my faith in people in a way.
I don't hold life casually any longer. There was a time, after Michael left, when I wondered why I was still here, why I was hanging around - what was the point? When I got my diagnosis, I was ready to go home to God if it was time for that, but I'm glad it isn't time yet. I want to see what kind of man my nephew Cole makes - he's a phenomenal guy. I want to see my little niece Ava grow up, and go to her wedding. I want to be here to take care of my mother when she needs me. I want to have time to get to know my sister as a person, and enjoy her. I want time to spend with my friends, to travel, or visit, or just enjoy their company. So sticking around doesn't seem quite so pointless any longer.
My sister Cindy hasn't been in touch. Not even a card. I'm still conflicted about that. I try not to live my life in reproach, but I'm going to have a hard time moving past that.
So I've learned about people, and about myself. I've been forced into a position that I had to take from and rely on others - never something I was good at. Rhonda says that's part of the lessons I was supposed to learn from this. I've been forced into a place that I HAD to take things one day at a time, after a lifetime of worrying about tomorrow and planning. When there is no other choice, sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And sometimes that's enough.
Would I have gone through this to learn the lessons I have? I don't know, honestly. But I'm going to take what good from it I can, and leave the bad behind. And that's the most important lesson. Trouble will find it's way if it's coming - don't borrow it or go looking for it. If things are good, be happy and enjoy them - wring every bit of joy out of them that you can. Because that's what it's about. Finding and enjoying the happy.
I lost my voice in May. We didn't really know why. The doctor didn't either. After a very frustrating diagnostic square-dance that went on for three months, they told me I had Mixed-Cellularity subtype Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Cancer.
I've been through five months of ABVD chemotherapy now. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Treatment makes me nauseated and dizzy, among other things. I've lost almost all my hair (everywhere) and about 10 pounds (which I could well afford to lose). I have a port in my chest. The drug regimen has done irreparable damage to my lungs, and I'll never be able to have (pure, medical-grade) oxygen as a treatment again.
But the last PET scan they did was clear, and after going in with 50/50 odds of survival (which really makes you stop and think, trust me), they think I'm going to live.
It' been quite an experience. I have two treatments left. I go in on the 12th for treatment #11, and then my last chemo is scheduled for the 26th.
My dad has really stepped up to the plate and been wonderful. We had a talk a couple of weeks ago that I wish we'd had 20 years ago. I feel closer to him than I have in my life. My mother, after initially freaking out a bit (understandably) has stepped up as well, and she'll be here to go to treatment with me this week.
The Kindred have all be fantastic. Rhonda in particular has been a rock, and helped me so much I don't think I could have done this without her.
One of my big fears has always been that I would have something badly wrong with me, and that I wouldn't have anyone to look after me. I've been very surprised at how my friends and family have rallied round and really been there for me.
My perspectives have changed, understandably. I've been really surprised at how people I thought I didn't know that well have gone out of their way to do something special or extend a kindness. It's really restored my faith in people in a way.
I don't hold life casually any longer. There was a time, after Michael left, when I wondered why I was still here, why I was hanging around - what was the point? When I got my diagnosis, I was ready to go home to God if it was time for that, but I'm glad it isn't time yet. I want to see what kind of man my nephew Cole makes - he's a phenomenal guy. I want to see my little niece Ava grow up, and go to her wedding. I want to be here to take care of my mother when she needs me. I want to have time to get to know my sister as a person, and enjoy her. I want time to spend with my friends, to travel, or visit, or just enjoy their company. So sticking around doesn't seem quite so pointless any longer.
My sister Cindy hasn't been in touch. Not even a card. I'm still conflicted about that. I try not to live my life in reproach, but I'm going to have a hard time moving past that.
So I've learned about people, and about myself. I've been forced into a position that I had to take from and rely on others - never something I was good at. Rhonda says that's part of the lessons I was supposed to learn from this. I've been forced into a place that I HAD to take things one day at a time, after a lifetime of worrying about tomorrow and planning. When there is no other choice, sometimes you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And sometimes that's enough.
Would I have gone through this to learn the lessons I have? I don't know, honestly. But I'm going to take what good from it I can, and leave the bad behind. And that's the most important lesson. Trouble will find it's way if it's coming - don't borrow it or go looking for it. If things are good, be happy and enjoy them - wring every bit of joy out of them that you can. Because that's what it's about. Finding and enjoying the happy.
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