A post in which I pay for my hedonism*

I woke up about 7am this morning feeling like the floor of a camel tent. Ugh. I was also starving. Unusually, I usually want to eat when I'm hung over, and the fattier and more unhealthy the food the better. Fortunately I had my leftovers from lunch yesterday, which were satisfyingly greasy and full of artery-hardening goodness. I scarfed them down with actual exclamations of appreciation and went back to bed.

When next I opened my eyes it was 10:45am - YIKES! I had all the packing up to do today. Every bit of it.

I dragged myself to the couch. I didn't feel terrible, but I was really, really drug out. Extremely tired. After sitting up for a while, I got to work. I would pack a while, and would then have to sit down for a while. But it had to be done. It was my fault for putting everything off until the last minute (not to mention partying so hard last night). I just had to bear down and do it. So I gritted my teeth and got on with it.

Eventually I got to the point that I needed dana to come over, and as soon as she got my message she did. It is so great to have friends you can rely on. We moved the big pieces of furniture out of the way and visited for a bit.

When she left I finished up the last of the little odds and ends, moving them all out of harm's reach, hopefully.

I did manage to round up a buddy to come by for a bit, and that made me feel a little better.

The house is destroyed. I had to unhook the computer because it was under a window, so the internet is down. I am totally disconnected from the world (except for the cell phone) at home for the first time in eight years. It feels very surreal. Even my phones had to be unplugged and moved. The house looks like those pictures you see of homes after the tornado leaves, only the roof is still on it.

By the time I got done though, I was really too tired to care. I brushed my teeth and crawled to the bed.

A post in which I am selfish

Well one of my Christmas ideas I was most looking forward to fell flat this morning. I was going to get a gag gift for Miss Helen, and got up early to go down to Anderson to get it. Unfortunately, I guess because of last night's weather, a lot of the vendors hadn't shown up - including the one I needed to see. I was very disappointed. I kicked myself for not buying what I wanted months ago - I knew I was going to do this last Christmas. Why I put it off is a mystery to me.

Since I was down there anyway, I wasted time walking around to see what was there - precious little. The day had turned off pretty, if cold, and there were plenty of people out there shopping, but there wasn't much to choose from. I headed on back to the house eventually to get ready to go shopping with Justin.

One of the nice things that happened last night was that Justin and I emailed and set up plans today to go antiquing at a place called Anne's Antiques. I had always meant to go in there, but never quite gotten around to it. But before we could leave, we did Christmas presents first. I knew Justin was dying to open his. He knew what it was before he opened it, and it was big hit. I got him a Cherry Blossom sandwich tray like mine - it has long been one of his favorite pieces in my collection. I kind of dodged a bullet there, because he was just convinced that was what I had gotten him, although I thought I had played it really cool. He told me he would have been disappointed if that hadn't been what it was, so I was really glad I got the right thing!

I was also finally able to get the Official Justin OK on my boat shoes - they passed muster. We then had a confab about the bedspread. He was very good about helping me to focus and make a decision. I ordered the new one online before we left the house. It is the most I have ever paid for a bedspread, but hopefully it will be correspondingly beautiful. I think it will coordinate with my valance fabric Mother gave me, and I should be able to pull some colors I like out of it to re-paint the bedroom. There are a lot of different colors to choose from (crossing the fingers).

I wish I had gone to Anne's before today. The woman working there was very nice, they had a nice inventory, and many of the prices weren't outrageous. We went over to pick up some soup bowls Justin had found that matched his pattern. While we were there, we of course walked through, and I found some blue Bubble Glass. You can see the first piece I bought (I have posted pictures of this pattern numerous times). It is just going from there at this point. Today was quite a coup - four dinner plates and a saucer, and not insanely priced. I snapped those right up, along with a Cloverleaf saucer. I love that pattern, but don't see it very often. It tends to run high, but this saucer was reasonable. $3 I could live with.

Cloverleaf saucer in green by Hazel-Atlas, circa 1930-1936

I was pretty happy about the visit to Anne's, and had told Justin that we would just go to that store. I was trying to be careful no to over-do because I have Christina's graduation party tonight. Since I haven't been to a single holiday thing I was really looking forward to it. But on the way to lunch we had to ride right by Southern Estates. We went in there just for a run-through, and I was glad we did! I found a Princess vase that I decided I couldn't live without, and bought yet another ash tray. I really have to stop buying ash trays. I can't believe I went out and bought more glass, since I'm going to have to pack all of it for the window people to come. I also felt kind of guilty buying a bunch of stuff for myself for Christmas, but I have already done my Christmas shopping (except for one present - an idea for Miss Kat continues to elude me). Justin told me he didn't think I should feel bad.

Princess Vase in green by Anchor Hocking, circa 1931 - 1935

We left there and out for a Mexican lunch. Mexican has become kind of a habit with us when we are out antiquing. It was very nice, but by the time we were done, I was flagging. I had overdone it. I got in and lay down on the couch for a nap. I knew I was going to need some rest to go to the party tonight. I put off all the packing up for tomorrow, so that should be an adventure. But I don't have anything else planned, and lunches are done for next week, so I should be OK. Hopefully.

I napped for a while, and woke up feeling like crap. But after I stirred around for a bit I felt better. I just laid up on the couch and played on the computer until it was time to get ready. By the time I got done, I felt OK. Not great, but OK. I was determined not to miss this party.

Nicole had called because we had talked about riding together, and she came on to the house. We had a hilarious time actually just getting there, jetting in and out of stores to do stuff at the last minute, since neither of us was really prepared to go. I got there in a better mood than I had gotten ready to go.

Donnie was there, and I got to give him his gift, a silly Christmas ornament I had gotten him. I visited with everyone. George (aka the Loch Ness monster and his wife were there. It was good to see them again. Many of the usual crew were there: Mark, Rick and James, Amy, and a lovely couple I hadn't met before, but really enjoyed meeting.

I was having such a great time that I over-taxed myself. Before I knew it, I was too far gone. I was drinking, and I think these last couple of weeks have cleaned out my system too much. I just couldn't handle it. So I ended up in the floor, and was having a hard time thinking about moving. Fortunately Nicole was very nice about it, and equally fortuitously, she could drive a stick. I managed to get outside, and she picked me up in my car and took me home. Whew! What a day!!

A post in which it is a better day, with ugly weather

Despite more insomnia last night (despite pills, I was up at 2am!, and never really got any good sleep afterwards),I felt much more serene this morning as I sipped my coffee on the porch. The peace was back. I had needed one thing to give, and it had. Now that I know I have a peace accord in place with Dad, I have one less worry about next week. It's going to be hard enough already. I haven't packed one thing in preparation for the window people.

Today was our Christmas lunch at work. As last year, they had barbecue again, which means I get baked beans and cole slaw for lunch. This year though, they also had a gorgeous sweet potato casserole. I really loved it. So of course I had a sugar crash this afternoon and a headache by the end of the day. But that's my fault for being picky.

Work went smoothly, but the weather started to get ugly. It was raining yet again, and sleeting also. The temp was dropping and it started to get really ugly outside, but having been inside all day I was fairly oblivious to it until Justin emailed me to say that Amanda had cancelled on the get-together at his house tonight. That gave me pause. I told Justin that if Amanda was scared off, I should probably forgo as well, as much as I hated doing it.

Then when I got off work and had to go out in it. It was well and truly nasty. I had initially thought that I would go to Russ and Billy's tonight. They were having a birthday party for a friend of Billy's, and that would at least have been in town. But by the time I got home through the driving sleet, with the temperature at 32, I decided that I should probably stay home. In addition to that, I wasn't feeling the best. I've overdone it this week I think.

So I called Billy, apologetically canceled, and prepared to spend the evening in. I can't remember a December when I have missed so many parties and evenings out. But I didn't feel too badly about staying home tonight. I put on snuggly clothes, and wished my new windows were already in. It was chilly in the house with the wind blowing against it.

I turned on the computer and chatted online while a cavalcade of arcane bibble-babble flashed across the television. The movie Enchanted came on, and I watch that. I still think it needed more Susan Serandon, although it was still quite enjoyable. So I laid back, relaxed in denial, and let the literal and figurative storm build and rage.

A post in which thing start off rough, but get better

I was up at 3:30 this morning with insomnia. Even I usually make it to 4:30. I finally gave up and got up. Some days it feels better just to get on up than to struggle to sleep when you can’t. Sometimes it's a relief just to leave the battlefield. On the other hand, my health must be improving if my insomnia is being so hateful to get along with. Since the Dad thing is on my mind so this week, I checked my email, but still nothing. I sent Dad another email asking for a truce for Christmas. Just one day with no political lectures, no sermons, no guilt trips; to be able to just have a pleasant holiday, and not something to endure. I’m not up to a day of endurance right now. I feel worn thin, like an old blanket.

I made my coffee and sat on the porch. Even that didn’t offer the little envelope of peace it usually does. I’m depressed about Dad. I feel bad about putting Even in the middle of it last night. I’m tired. I feel like my usual thick skin has just been rubbed off. I feel like I’m all prickly raw nerves. At least I’m not mad any more.

I got up and went to work. Despite everything that’s going on this week, I’ve been very productive at work. Account reconciliations and weekly slides are done. I finished the write-offs today, so they’d be ready for approval when my boss gets back tomorrow.

About 10 (after I figured Dad was at the shop), I called Eve to apologize for putting her in the middle, and ask her not to say anything to Dad if she hadn’t already. Dad answered the phone. But in a Christmas miracle, he seemed not to be spoiling for a fight. I asked if he had gotten my email, and he said no, so I just asked for a truce. He very nicely agreed. And then he sent me another email later, but I just let it go.

I did call and talk to Eve later, and apologized to her. She took it in stride. She seemed surprised that I would consider her feelings that important, which made me feel a bit worse. I called Lisa, told her everything was OK, and that I was sorry for getting her upset yesterday. She was fine. She said she sounded so bad on the phone yesterday because she was sick. Dad and I fighting (or indeed any of us kids and Dad fighting) really isn’t news any longer. It’s kind of like bad weather. You know it’s coming, you just don’t know when.

I felt much better after that was done, and my day smoothed out. I didn’t feel as tired.

But I had to wrap presents tonight. I’m going to Justin’s house tomorrow to do gifts with him and Amanda, so I at least had to wrap those two. I decided it would be a good idea to wrap James and Jeff’s presents as well , to have with me just in case they dropped by. Of course at work, I had intended to go home, eat a quick supper, and wrap all evening. But then I always intend to do that, and it never happens. I was happy to get those four wrapped, since I didn’t start until 9pm. The gifts turned out pretty, and I put ribbon on them and everything, and now I'm excited about giving them. I LOVE to give presents, I just hate wrapping them. I especially love giving presents to Justin. He gets so excited. It just kills him having to wait to find out what a present is, or to have to wait to give someone a gift he knows is a good one. He is so anxious he doesn't trust himself not to spill the secret. I find that very endearing and sweet.

I fell into Fishville again and wasted some time there after I ate, and then a friend on there started chatting. His name is David, and I haven’t seen him in years. David is a bit of a restless spirit, and he kind of drifts along on the kindness of friends. He’s in Chicago now. And he’s gay again. The last time I saw him he had been engaged to a sixteen year old girl. So we caught up for a bit. And then I was frankly just lazy. I can’t really blame this on Epstein Barr, it was mostly me. But between the lack of sleep, the drama, and the worry over all that’s going on right now, it’s been a really rough week.

I took some sleeping pills and went to bed.

A post in which I am feeling exhausted

I was up at 4:30am this morning for Dad's latest salvo, and my little rant below.

The day didn't improve a lot from there.

I was able to leave work today to get to the post office. I got Bernadette's card in the mail - maybe she'll get it by Christmas. I can never remember postage to France, and they seem to change the rates every year anyway. I also mailed Brenden's gift card. That just got me more upset. I hate that things are still the way they are between Cindy and her family and Dick and Eve. I've been patiently being the peacemaker for over a year now, but all of the sudden I've just had a bellyful of it, as apparently I have with many things.

I called Paul to tell him Brenden's gift was on the way, and talked to him for a bit. He isn't mad at me, for which I was glad. I had to kind of cut him off in mid-rant the last time he called me. It was Dec 1, our year end, and I wasn't sure if he believed me or not when I told him. He was supportive today though. He agreed that I've paid my dues here.

I called Lisa and talked to her to give her the news that she is the new Favored Child. Dad can't ever get along with more than two of us at a time. I've had a good run, and frankly a much longer run than I expected as Favored Child. I can't say I'm really surprised to see it come to an end.

Eve called this afternoon to tell me that they are leaving Christmas morning at 7am (??!! - madness, I know, but they want to be there in time to see Ava open her Santa stuff). I told her that if Dad didn't straighten up I wouldn't be going anywhere with them. She got really quiet, sighed, and said "I'll talk to him." I was like no. I need to hear this from him. Bottom line is that I am not getting in a car with him for four hours to hear a political lecture, a sermon, or a guilt trip. Then I felt like a jerk because she had called me all excited that Paul had sent her a new picture of Brenden in a Christmas card. So she was really happy, and I just pulled the rug out from under her. What a thoughtless bastard I can be. I just don't have the energy for this crap. I'm tired, I don't feel well, I'm having to work anyway. Christmas is coming. The window people are coming. Just the thoughts of all that is going on is exhausting to me. I can't imagine how I'm going to whether it all.

I'm supposed to go to Christina and Jennifer's party this Saturday, and as much as I want to go, I just don't know if I am going to be able to do it. Justin texted me yesterday about him and Amanda coming down Friday, but I texted him today and just asked if I could come up there. I can't clean up the house enough to have company by Friday. Then there is the party Saturday, the packing up to do, and dana and I are moving furniture on Sunday. I have no idea where I'm going to find the strength to do it all.

I went home, turned on my denial switch, and spent the evening on the sofa. Because that's what I needed to do. Sure.

A post in which my father is driving me crazy - again

He started it. I sound like a six-year old. Which I guess is as good a place as any to enter in to a dialog about my father.

It started on Sunday. He picked a bunch of that right-wing bullshit (which he no doubt finds profound) out of his email, and forwarded it to me. And I'm sitting there reading it Monday and thinking 'why the hell would he send this to me?' He knows I would never agree with any of it, and it would just piss me off. So I emailed him back and asked him why.

His response:

You are right, I knew you would consider the views in that tacky E-mail to be junk because it points out the junk views and laws that the current leaders of our country have us living under. I should not have sent it to you.

It is like everything else that I can not talk to you about. You see, you are my only son and I would like to share my core values with you. I know you think you are far smarter than I, and my views are antiquated. But one day you may realize the life I have lived and the experiences I lived through, resulted in insight you have not had time to learn, yet.

My number one core value is my Faith in Jesus Christ. We live in a nation where we are not allowed to acknowledge him in public. Obama told the world in one of his speeches that the United States is no longer a Christian Nation. I think he is wrong. Perhaps he should study the principals this country was founded on, #1 being Freedom of Religion. I don't care if our leaders are Repubs or Dems, black or white, Christ should not be removed from Christmas. In our nations capital, we do not celebrate Christmas, rather it is Winter Holiday. We no longer have Christmas trees, they are referred to as Holiday trees. By executive order, no religious theme can be expressed in any decorations at our White House.

Political correctness is going to be the Death of our entire way of life in this Nation.

This is my view of things, and if this offends you, I have truly failed in my duties as a Daddy.

For those of you who weren't raised Baptist, that's a big ole load of religious guilt, with a sizable helping of emotional blackmail thrown in. Not to mention a good portion of the latest Cafferty File for good measure.

I shook my head, swallowed it, and deleted the email, as usual.

But apparently I'm enough like my father that I couldn't let it go. I can't believe he has started this crap again.

I then got a press release about the Catholic church's stance on the new marriage equality act passed in Washington DC this week. Apparently, if they are forced to non-discriminatory hiring practices, or having to extend benefits to same-sex couples, they are threatening to close homeless shelters and adoption agency in DC. Very Christ-like. I shouldn't have sent it to him, but I did.

His response:

Yes Stephen, the catholic church is extremely compassionate toward any person in need of any kind. Our own church has over 30 ministries that support those less fortunate in our own community. We give food, clothing, shelter, medicine, financial aid, counseling, pray with them and for them 24 hours per day, everyday. We support missionaries is every foreign country, feeding the starving, building houses, drilling wells for fresh water, build churches, medical clinics, schools, build homes for and support orphans.

But the church has basic core values that we cannot support.

We do not believe in abortion and refuse to finance any group that supports it or promotes it.

The church teaches that homosexuality is against nature and against the teachings of our lord. We believe that marriage refers to a union between 1 man and 1 woman. Groups that support otherwise are acting in direct opposition to our core beliefs. The church cannot support those groups.

You are my only son and I love you very, very, much. I will love you as long as I breathe. I will love you, feed you, shelter you, protect you to the last ounce of strength in my body. I pray for you every day. You see, I have learned to separate you, my son, from your lifestyle. I love you as no-one else on earth ever will, but your lifestyle is a source of sadness for me. Please understand, I am not trying to start a fight, or insult you. I love you too much to ever do that.

Love, your Daddy

In other words, more of the same. Note the closing - pulling those emotional heart-strings. I haven't called my father Daddy in at least fifteen years.

I emailed him back, telling him, basically, to leave it. I'm 42. I won't be indoctrinated, and I don't see a church that would rather pull the crust of bread from a homeless man's mouth than be fair to someone like me as anything I want to be a part of. Thought I'd get that out of the way before they started trying to guilt me into going to Mass with them again this year for Christmas. If I was going to align myself with an organized religion, it certainly wouldn't be with an organized religion as intolerant and blood-soaked as the Catholic Church.

And so we pick up the clubs and go at each other's bloody heads yet again. I should be angry. Angry would help me take part. But I'm just tired.

I'm tired of our history. I'm tired of this battle. I'm tired of trying to maintain some semblance of mental health in the face of his constant rage, censure, and disapproval. I'm tired of trying to hold on to my sense of Christian duty towards him in the face of the constant belittling and sneering that I endure in his presence. I'm tired of trying to charm my way around his temper when I want to scream. I'm tired of trying to live in denial of the fact that my own father subscribes to the belief that I, his own son, am an abomination - a monster destined for hell.

Work is insane. I am lonely. I seem to have a better chance of being struck by lightning than to ever again enter into a meaningful relationship. I'm exhausted with my health. I just can't fight everything. I don't have the energy.

And now, on top of everything, he starts in again. I've already told them that I will ride with them to Lisa's house for Christmas. If I don't do it now, he's going to see it as an insult and get his ass on his shoulders about it. If I do go I'm going to have to listen to either a) a sermon; b) a political lecture; or c) his wounded guilt act for over four hours in a car. I just don't think I'm up to it.

The only thing that I can do is lay this down, pray about it, and try to give it over to God. That means doing more swallowing and smiling. More artful deflecting. More charming. And at this point, I just don't know where I'm going to find the strength.

So I did pray this morning. I tried to open my heart and let the peace in to take the place of the frustration and anger. Maybe this was God trying to get my attention again. If so, He truly does work in mysterious ways.

A post in which I'm feeling run down

I was tired when I woke up this morning, but my throat is distinctly less swollen than it has been, so I think I'm on the mend.

I need to get Bernadette's card in the mail. Every year it's a struggle, but this year in particular. The post office has cut the hours on all the offices back drastically. Usually the main office is open extended hours at Christmas, but this year none of them open until after I'm at work. It was a total waste of time to detour by there this morning. For an institution that says they don't have enough business, they are certainly doing all they can to discourage it.

I talked to Michael today and he's having a worse time than I am. He has all his shopping left to do, and is flying home on the 24th. He has to find gifts for the whole family that are not only small enough to fit in his suitcase, but that also won't break in the baggage hold. Better him than me. But I got his address corrected and got his Christmas ordered. I have everyone done now but Miss Kat, who is damn near impossible to buy for. dana is supposed to be working on a gift idea, but I have a back-up plan if I don't hear back from her. Of course, nothing is wrapped. As per usual. But I'm not watching Muppet Christmas Carol, my most favorite Christmas movie ever, until I wrap gifts. Hopefully that will be the incentive I need.

Dad sent me a bunch of neo-conservative emails this weekend, and I asked him why yesterday. His answer was a bunch of maudlin crap, basically. That has put me in a really bad, broody mood. I should be able to let it go - I usually do - but either this sick thing is wearing me down, or I'm getting to be just too much like him.

I brooded all the way home, and by the time I got there I was in such a bad mood I didn't even want to be around myself. Plus I was really tired. I stopped to get cat food on the way home, but was too tired to even go back out to the car to bring it in the house when I forgot it. Despite best intentions of starting to pack up tonight, I did nothing. I ate some leftover pizza, and lay on the sofa until it was time to go to bed.