A post in which I get things in order*

There was a lot I needed to do today. But I needed some rest too. I've been hard at it for the last several days. I just feel in need of some quiet.

I slept until about 11.
I watched some mindless telly, and fooled around on line for a bit. I talked to a really nice guy that I'd like to see again.
I took my suit to be cleaned - it had makeup on it.
I went by the library to return some things.
I went in Red Ribbon resale, since I don't get over there much when they're open. I found something for Justin, and he begged me not to buy it.
I hauled off the recycling.
I made a good dent in the mountains of laundry, changed sheets, and stuff like that.
I did cat stuff.

Lots of people feel the need to use sex to prove they're alive after a death. It works pretty well even if you know why you're doing it.

I did laundry and made tea and stuff like that right up until bedtime. I need to be able to pick up the reins tomorrow.

A post in which I have a brutally long day

I knew today was going to be hard. I got up at 7am, took my shower, started straightening up the house, and ironed my clothes. That way I could just help Lisa's family get ready when they got up. None of them are morning people. When they got up, I made some breakfast (mostly for me, they don't really eat in the morning), and cleaned up the kitchen.

I got Cole's clothes and ironed them so he was ready to go. I had put him through the shower last night to make one less shower this morning. Organization just isn't Lisa's strong suit. While I was working on the back part of the house, Lisa and Carl had trouble brewing in the front half. I got dressed, packed my stuff, got Cole dressed, and took Cole on over to Granny's house with me, leaving them to finish and get over there in their own time.

Lisa has a requisite hour with a towel on her head before she goes anywhere. Since she had the towel on when we left the house, I could estimate their ETA.

I got to Granny's. Lisa and Carl pulled up a bit after, and we all went over to the funeral home. I found out when I got there that I was a pall-bearer, which was a surprise to me. I've never done that before. There was visitation from 12:30 to 1:30. At first, it seemed like the time would take forever to pass. But Mom's friend Maureen came, and my Aunt Phyllis came in. It was good to see them. I sat beside Granny for a while. They had brought her in in the wheelchair, and then put her in an armchair. There was another armchair beside her that was empty, and it just seemed wrong. I just sat down beside her. I never go to a funeral and ask "How are you doing?" That has always seemed the height of stupidity to me. I know now though that sometimes it's enough to just be near someone, so I just sat beside her.

The Obituary

And then suddenly they were taking the flowers out of the room and we were headed to the graveside service.

Being a pall-bearer wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It's kind of good (oddly) to feel like you're helping in some way. It was 90 out, and I was in a dark suit, but I didn't really notice the heat. When I hugged Mother after it was over, she said "Baby, you need to get out of that suit - you're too hot."

When we got back to the house, we changed and had a bit of lunch. I talked to relatives I haven't seen in years and years. I hadn't seen my youngest cousin in a long time, and we found out that we have some surprising things in common. We had a long talk. I always thought it was horrible to have a family reunion when someone had died, but now that I'm older, I understand it better I think. You renew the ties. You remind yourself that the family is intact, and you come together to support each other. You remember the good in being together when you have lost someone. It seems right to me now.

Kind of like funerals. They do no good to the one that is gone of course. But they give you something to do to feel that you've done the right thing. The worst part for me was kind of feeling adrift on Friday. As soon as mother called me and told me where to be, I had a function. I had a direction for what the right thing was to do. That helps.

Lisa's family and I left to go see Grandma Shumate. She's very much all about Ava Claire, her namesake. When we came in, her first question was "Did you bring the baby?" Of course we had. We went into the "living room" visitation area at the home, and talked a bit. We didn't really have to talk much, because Grandma was watching the baby. Ava, always the charmer, was already wound up. She went through her whole repertoire of things she says, ran all over the place doing cute things, sat on Grandma's lap, gave her a kiss - the whole nine yards. So Grandma had a good visit. I think we wore her out though. By the time they announced dinner at 5, she was ready to go eat. I took her on to the dining room.

We went back over to Granny's, visited a while, and then said our goodbyes. Mother and her sisters were staying over, but I wanted to be home. I left about 7:30. I was still kind of on auto-pilot. I did the trip home without even any music on. I had a lot of stuff to think about and start processing.

Everyone had someone there with them today but me. It's times like this, when I would really love to lay things down for a while and let someone else be in charge, that I really feel alone. On the one hand, I guess I need to get used to doing this stuff on my own. On the other hand, I am lucky to have so many people who love me - I don't have to do it all alone. I felt like being with my support group tonight. I called Russ and Billy on the way home, and went to see them. When I called Mother to tell her I was home, I really felt like I was. It was good to talk things through with them and empty my head out for a bit before I went home.

I had no time to cry today. I had to get ready, then at the funeral home I had no one to cry with. I was trying to be strong for Mother yesterday, and Rod was having a hard time today (he has been widowed only two years). I couldn't cry in front of Granny - she was upset enough. At the funeral I was a pall-bearer. And then of course the rest of the day I had places to go. I had thought that I might cry at Russ and Billy's, but by the time I got there I just felt wrung-out and used up. I was too tired to cry.

I crawled in to the house and went to bed.

A post in which the rest of the clan gathers

I knew today was going to be a long day. We got up and had coffee. We relaxed a bit - I had forgotten how hard it was to get Lisa and Co. ready to go.

The family visitation was at 3:30 today. We made it in time, but it was fairly close. It was a really good thing we had the house to get ready in.

When we got to Granny's the Virginia relatives were all there. With their kids. It was controlled pandemonium. Granny said she wasn't going to the viewing, so we went on without her.

When I was younger, I thought viewings were barbaric, and I always swore that I'd never have one. Now that I've gotten older though, I've been socially conditioned to expect it for some reason. Lisa didn't go. Cole had said he was going, but changed his mind. Which was fine. My Aunt Donna wanted to go because the last time she saw him had been when he died in the hospital. She thought it would make her feel better to see him fixed, but it didn't seem to work. Mother was tearful, but holding it together pretty well. I just kind of stayed with her.

They had put a stuffed dog in the casket with him. After the stroke, he wanted something in his hand all the time. When someone was there, they would hold his hand. My little second cousin heard about it, and picked out a stuffed dog to take to the hospital so he wouldn't be lonely. When no one was there, they put the little dog in his hand and he held on to that. They put it in his hand in the casket.

After the viewing, Mother told me on the way home that Granny had said she wasn't going to the funeral. They didn't really know what to do. On the one hand, you have to let people handle things in their own way. On the other hand, she was holding hard onto denial, and we knew she would feel bad later if she didn't go. She had refused to go see him in the hospital because she was clinging to the belief that he was coming home, and already felt bad about that. They finally decided that they would just act as if they assumed she was going (asking her what she was going to wear, etc) and go from there. That seemed to work.

When we got back to the house, she had apparently started to let some of it out. She had cried some with Lisa and Cole while we were gone. Cole is a sensitive and earnest boy. He really thinks about things. He was really subdued. Adding to this was that he had played with some of the Virginia kids when we had family stuff before, but they are old enough now to be at the awkward stage. They're all macho woods kind of boys and he isn't, plus they all see a lot of each other. He felt kind of excluded. I decided to take him off for a while.

We went to pick up some things we needed at Grandma's house. Lisa wanted some bottled water, stuff for the baby, etc. So we picked that up. We also went to see Grandma Shumate at the home. I knew she would enjoy a little extra visit. I was later told that she had been expecting us, so it was a good thing we went. She was all fixed up in a nice outfit with her hair all done when we got there.

Afterwards I took Cole out to dinner. There were just cold cut trays at the house, which didn't leave a lot for me to choose from - I had been eating tomato sandwiches to the point that I needed something else. Cole doesn't eat a lot of that kind of stuff either. We went to a buffet place up there that is very popular. It was good to get a big salad and eat some vegetables, among other things. We also fixed a plate to take back to Lisa. They were having fried chicken, cole slaw, baked beans, etc for dinner, and she doesn't eat any of that stuff.

By this time Ava had gotten to know the other babies that were there, and they were having a large time, running around, delightedly screaming at each other. The house was packed with people. It was both a blessing and a burden for Granny. On the one hand, it was a distraction, and she enjoyed seeing the family. On the other hand, it was a huge kerfuffle and I'm sure it was getting on her nerves. But she was in the thick of it.

We stayed until about 10, but then I rounded up Lisa and reminded her we probably needed to get on to the house and get the baby down. The funeral was at 12:30 the next day, and I knew it would be a struggle to get them all ready in the morning and there on time. Carl was there by this point, so he came on to the house with us.

We all got to bed some time around midnight.

A post in which I head home

I didn't really know what I should be doing. I wasn't sure where I was supposed to be when I got up today. I was up at 4:30. Since I didn't know, I just went through my morning routine. I knew I had to go to work for a bit to tie up some stuff for month end, so I went on in to the office early.

Mother called me about 10am. She was heading up today, and told me to come up. After that I just kind of went into auto-pilot. I finished up what I needed to do at work, came home, threw some things in a bag, and headed out.

I worked out for Lisa and me to stay at Grandma Shumate's house, since there is no one there right now anyway. The water heater was broken, but my uncle went in and fixed it today so we could have hot water and get ready there.

I went straight on to Granny's house. I got there before Mom and Lisa. Lisa was riding up with Mother. They were supposed to leave at 8:30 this morning, but when I talked to mother at 10 she was still waiting on Lisa to get there. When I talked to them at 11:30, when I left my house, they were loading the car. Lisa got a speeding ticket on the way to Mom's because she was so late. They got there about a half hour after I did, in time for a quick bite before they went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Granny wouldn't go. By that time the family was arriving. She told Mother and her sisters to go and make all the arrangements, that whatever they picked out was fine.

They didn't get back from the funeral home until after 5 - too late for me to call the office and give them the details.

Cole and I were dispatched to go to pick up some supper for everyone, which we did. Chicken and stuff. While we were eating, my grandmother's sister-in-law came in with a strawberry cake (made from scratch with real strawberries) that was so good I wanted to take her home. Granny's brother JV is in bad shape and is pretty much house-bound at this point.

We stayed and talked with the family until around 9. The baby needed to be put to bed, plus we had to unpack everything, so we went on to Grandma's.

When we got there, my aunt had been in and made all the beds, stocked the refrigerator, and left us some rice crispy treats on the counter. All we had to do was unpack and go to bed, which was a mercy. Lisa and I talked until late.

A post in which Poppy Brown is gone

Poppy Brown

I just talked to Lisa, and she told my Poppy died this afternoon. She called me because Mother is too upset to be on the phone right now.

It's a terrible thing for Granny, but honestly, he was in such bad shape that it was almost a mercy for him. In the last month he'd had shingles, the medication for which left him with a GI bleed. To stop the GI bleed, they took him off his blood thinners. When they took him off the blood thinners, he had a massive stroke. The best case scenario here would have left him paralyzed on one side of his body. He was already very impatient with being legally blind. It would have been terrible for him to be bed-ridden. When they went in to put in a permanent feeding-tube today and aspirated some fluid from his lungs, his blood pressure dropped to the point they could not raise it again. His kidneys had shut down last weekend, and his blood pressure dropped rapidly then too, but they put him on drugs to get it all going again then. Sometimes I think these new miracle drugs can be a curse.

Granny doesn't know yet. They're trying to get her sister, my Aunt Kathleen, to go over there to talk to her so she doesn't have to hear about it over the phone.

Poppy led a full life. He was married to Granny for 60+ years. They met when he drove a tractor past her house. That was a big status symbol in the small town they lived in. She was out in the yard with her sisters, and the prettiest one.

They were dating steadily (Granny had quickly thrown over her other beau to go out with Poppy) when he was drafted to fight in World War II. They married then. He missed her so much during basic training that he went AWOL and came back on the train before he shipped out to see her.

He bought my grandmother a bottle of Chanel No 5 perfume every Christmas.

He served his country as an Air Force pilot, and was the only one serving who was allowed to fly with glasses.

He came home after the war, and moved to Florida with my grandmother, settled down, and started a family. Three girls. My Aunt Kay, the eldest, my mother, and my Aunt Donna, the baby. They eventually decided to move back to Wilkesboro, NC. He had grown up on a farm and was no stranger to hard work. He went to work for Lowes building large commercial chicken coops. The work was blisteringly hot in the South Carolina low country and surrounding area. He came back to the cool mountains where he had been born and raised on the weekends.

He soon moved up to the sales department at Lowes, where his natural gift of gab and friendliness, as well as his reputation for hard-work and integrity made him a top salesman. He still knew half the town, even after being retired for years. The ones he didn't know personally, he knew their relatives. We never went into Lowes without someone who knew who he was helping us.

He built my grandmother a beautiful farm house with a complete kitchen in the basement so she would be cooler in the summer when she did her canning. He kept a small "gentlemen's farm" with a few cows, some chickens for fresh eggs, and whatever other animals took his fancy. He usually had a couple of horses, and showed Tennessee Walkers briefly. When the grandchildren came along there were ponies and goats. He also kept a garden, and grew his own vegetables and fruit, along with flowers. He had grapes and made his own wine.

He retired from Lowes, having worked hard all of his life, and prepared to enjoy his retirement. He bought an old house in town that had seen better days, and single-handedly gutted and restored it to its former glory. He re-modeled, re-wired, re-plumbed, sheet rocked, painted, and papered it until it suited Granny. They settled in to enjoy a retirement of travel and friends. Shortly after that, however, he lost most of his eyesight from a latent illness he had picked up years before. By the time it was diagnosed, he had 20% vision left in one eye. Always the handyman, though, he could feel his way through most routine jobs that had to be done. It was very frustrating for him when he couldn't do things, because he'd been able to do pretty much anything he wanted all of his life.

I'll never forget going shopping with him and my grandmother, and him getting me away from them to tell me he wanted to go to Sears. So off to Sears we went. He wanted to buy a chainsaw so he could prune the apple tree in the yard himself. I was trying to figure out how to talk him out of this when my mother caught us and put her foot down. He was legally blind by that time, and in his 80s. But he could probably have done it if he had gotten away with it.

He had an amazing sense of direction. Even years after he lost his vision, you could get out on the highway to take him somewhere, and he would know exactly where you were. When you got close to where you were going, he could tell you that the exit coming up was the one you needed to take, which way it was, and the name of the road.

He loved flowers. Even when they still lived on the weekend farm he kept while he was working for Lowes, he grew his own carnations. When they moved to the town house, he rooted cuttings from his prized rose bushes to move with them, and set out rows of exotically colored irises - many of which most people had never seen. He put out fruit trees in the yard. He could grow anything.

He never had to face life without my grandmother. He never had to go into a nursing home. He's been in his own home up until about two weeks ago. He passed with my Aunt Donna, his youngest daughter, holding his hand. All his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren loved him. He had the respect of the town he lived in. That's a pretty good life.

He was always a snappy dresser. He got up every morning and was fully dressed in slacks, shirt, and dress shoes, and smelling of after-shave, before my grandmother got up. I can still see him sitting in his chair in the den, waiting for the day to start.

He was a good, hard-working, honest man. I love him. And I'll miss him.

A post in which I get in the kitchen

I worked my butt off today trying to get all the write-offs done. My boss decided he wanted to clean out my work list this month. I hate doing write-offs. It’s very boring and difficult at the same time. But I got them all done but two. That’s pretty amazing as many as I had to do this month.

I heard from an old friend last week through Manhunt. His name is Javier, and we sniffed around each other a bit at the time, but nothing really came of it. He emailed me today and told me he would come by tonight to see me after work. I didn’t mind, but I had stuff to do tonight.

I talked to Laura today on the way home. She and Kimbley weren't at the Hat Party because they were still recovering from another party they had been to on Saturday. So they are fine, which I was glad to hear.

I ran by the library on the way home, then got in the kitchen and started cooking. I was making Grandma Shumate’s Chicken Delight tonight. I haven’t made it in a while. Of course I don’t make it exactly the way she did, but it still has the same comfort food feel. I put a lot more vegetables in mine. I had leftover celery from making all that egg salad last week, so I did celery, onion, bell pepper, carrots, green soybeans, fake chicken, and broccoli. I was afraid I got too much wine in it (Grandma would be very upset if she knew I put wine in her good Baptist Circle Group recipe), but it turned out good.

Javier came by just as I got it ready to go in the oven, so that was pretty much perfect. We visited and caught up for a while. It was good to see him. He’s all married now, and seems pretty happy with his lover. I was glad for him. He did tell me how much weight I had gained since he saw me last, which made me slightly less happy for him. I exercised some restraint, and didn't point out that he wasn't exactly Jack LaLanne himself.

After he left, I cleaned up the kitchen, finished up the apple pie with some ice cream (I’d had another big salad for dinner, but it was going to go bad right? This is why I don’t keep sweets in the house.), and turned in. I had planned to read some more tonight, but by the time I got everything done it was too late.

A post in which I take the night off

Today was back to work. It went pretty well, and I was almost caught up by the end of the day. You always pay for that day off.

After work I went by the grocery store. I cheated for lunch today and too burritos, and had really intended to cook tonight. By the time I got home though, that wasn’t going to happen. Plus I started a really great book today – A Kiss of Shadows by Laurell K Hamilton. I haven’t read a bunch of her stuff before, but I’m really enjoying this one. She certainly paints a very vivid mood, if her descriptions are a bit purposefully artsy for me at times. Then again, it’s difficult to write about sex magic that begets faerie power, I guess. This would have been a good book to read in the run-up to the campout next month.

So I gave myself the night off, had a big salad for dinner, and read my book tonight.